Avoidant Attachment: 3 Early Signs Of Healing

[@kelliel7022]

It totally makes sense that getting frustrated with other people's vulnerability only happens because I was never given that space. :( I never let myself be the victim because I learned to take radical responsibility for my emotions. Healing avoidance feels so weird because it makes me sink into victimhood and pain that I never wanted to believe was valid.

[@JellieJoShmo]

*radical control and suppression of your emotions. Calling it “radical responsibility” appears to me to be yet another manifestation of the denial avoidants are in. Avoidants deny the existence of certain emotions and run from those very emotions when they inevitably appear. It’s about denial. And part of coming out of denial is not only naming things, but naming them as accurately as possible. Euphemisms or looking at a behavior/attitude/pattern through rose-colored glasses will not help.

[@XxX-vi9if]

​@JellieJoShmo why do people like you come into the comments and ruin everything. It is a "radical" step for avoidants to take because it's major to us, and it should be something so celebrate, not shame.

[@JellieJoShmo]

@@XxX-vi9if just because you’re not being celebrated doesn’t mean you’re being shamed - that’s your avoidance talking. Personally, I’m not celebrating the bare minimum. If you want to, my opinion isn’t stopping you. So go ahead. Why do people like you “ruin everything” by taking every little bit of feedback as an EGREGIOUS, EVERYTHING-RUINING, PERSONAL ATTACK? bffr 🙄

[@XxX-vi9if]

@JellieJoShmo YOU came into the comments of a self-help video meant for avoidants and spread shit because you're caught in your feelings and bitter about past relationships. And I'm not asking YOU to celebrate it, it's the bare minimum for YOU. For an avoidant they should celebrate, because it's a milestone for them and you should at least be grateful they take steps to understand you and themselves by extension, and be glad they make an effort to make the relationship work on your behalf. How do you expect an avoidant to learn and grow if you assume the worst from them from the beginning.

[@JellieJoShmo]

@@XxX-vi9if I’m not reading all of that again. The one thing you got right is: it’s the bare minimum FOR ME. And I’M entitled to MY opinion. You don’t get to control what people do or don’t say in KZbin comments. With all due respect (which is none atp) gtf over it 🙄

[@jamesbow5916]

This is really good. One thing I've noticed with my avoidant friends is how easily they get triggered, angry or uncomfortable the second someone exhibits vulnerability or shows intense negative emotions. They will label that person a narcissist or crazy. I've even seen friends do this: I'm sharing something deeply vulnerable or important to me, and it makes them so uncomfortable that they reach for their phone to check their notifications. After this happened about 3 different times, I realized what was going on. My own display of vulnerability makes them so uncomfortable they seek a distraction as a way to self regulate.

[@charissastella8920]

Wow thanks for sharing it makes sense

[@DahliaDance]

Oooof, James, yes. I’ve experienced this a lot in life. How do we, mostly anxious AS, folks HEALTHFULLY respond to that behavior? I’ve recently felt quite devastated when I’ve been authentic and vulnerable and then my partner starts looking at a magazine or criticize me. It’s so painful. 😢

[@dear.aprisa]

Wow thank you for noticing and sharing here. That’s helpful 🙏🏼

[@tentimes2660]

The story of my family meals.

[@lianxie5582]

Consider that perhaps you were emotionally dumping on them - this KZbinr had a video explaining that! It really helped me :)

[@Ms.Chan.T]

I noticed with me it annoyed me and made judge other women who would reach out to hang out often. I couldn't understand why they need constant presence not realizing its because I learned how to be alone for long periods of time without connection. My father wasnt around,I would see him here and there, and my mother just didnt want to be around me. I just learned how to go without human connection because it was painful to sit in pain and powerful to be self reliant and dependent. I prided myself for so long for my ability to not be dependent on someone else. I even get offended when someone says I should depend on them or something else.

[@Indigo_outlaw]

Dang! That last one of "I'm ok you're not ok" I never knew this was a part of avoidant attachment style. (I've just come to realize aa of late, that's my attachment style). I used to harshly judge those who play victim roles and can't control their own emotions 😬 I'm working on it, but this video is so helpful for helping recognize patterns. Thank you

[@goodorangekitten]

The three signs: (1) you start to see somatic and emotional experiences as data (2) you stop idealizing past and present; do without you contempt for "victims" (3) you begin to validate others' pain

[@junbh2]

Hmm. I feel like I do all those things pretty well, yet I don't seem to be getting any better at forming relationships. Maybe what I actually have is more social anxiety than anything else.

[@quantumviewtherapy8926]

@@junbh2 That makes sense. Relationship is in a state of absolute disarray due to the profoundly sick society we are surrounded by. Social anxiety is rampant and often covered up by denial and false happy moods, which cause more social anxiety for those around the ones who deny.

[@melissasmuse]

@@junbh2 you can’t really work on those things unless you’re actively practicing in a relationship. Hence “attachment wound”

[@nolanbooker2121]

You’re incredibly articulate and brilliant. You can really tell you are speaking from experience. I have never heard anyone, let alone a psychologist, explain such emotion-based concepts in such a logical manner. Your words are exactly what I need to hear as an avoidant trying to become secure by gaining an understanding of my emotions.

[@shubhagarwal9812]

Man, I cannot recognize my past self. I am entirely changed now; I cannot believe what I used to believe and how I used to treat myself. As my self-view changed, and I started to enter the realm of self-love, my perception and treatment of other people also changed. Like 1.5 years ago, I used to think that I had high intrapersonal intelligence, which was so naive, and I wanted high interpersonal intelligence as well. I wanted to increase my empathy towards other people but never was able to do that. I mean, how can I when I was not empathetic towards myself?

[@Dd94949]

Operant condition = what was rewarded in childhood = your parents "rewarded" you in childhood for being self reliant by maintaining connection (ie your need for adult protection) - this same parent would have "punished" you by breaking connection if you were too emotional or needy (which deeply scare said parent because in their childhood they had this same experience - if I am not self reliant, I am vulnerable and alone - very scary to an infant!). "If I am not self reliant, I lose the protection and care of my parent aka access to the good/loving parent."

[@jasonwilkerson9497]

I always remember from Lenore Thomson's "Personality Handbook" on the MBTI that "Just because you think it's irrational, does not mean it is unreasonable."

[@AmieFolkman.NewHomes]

My mind is blown. I thought that these views I’ve “projected” onto others were valid. It never occurred to me that victimhood or ranges of emotion was healthy. Wow, wow, wow! Thank you for clearly articulating this point! I think this will help me on my healing journey from a BPD parent and have more compassion for myself and others.

[@sandragunnell1925]

I keep hearing ‘what we don’t like in others is what we don’t like in ourselves. ‘ Now I understand why. Self-awareness: Recognizing when you might be projecting can be a powerful tool for personal growth, as it allows you to confront and work through your own insecurities.

[@lrivera31]

Yeah, people who are co-dependent, vulnerable, over-emotional, etc. it triggers me. I get quiet around people like this and plan my exit temporarily or permanently. We are wired to think and NOT act that way from childhood trauma. This is 100% true. I'm working on checking myself in the moment that it's ok to be vulnerable and open with others and people sometimes genuinely need others to listen. I draw the line at constant complaining, though.

[@thatsaniceboulder1483]

I see it as manipulative. I judge that overly emotional, needy behaviour as deliberately manipulative to get attention, to get their own way and to get others to do their bidding. I am unsure how to reframe that into rational behaviour on their part.

[@purrsandfurrs]

@@thatsaniceboulder1483same here. How are you progressing with this?

[@changetheworldforbetter]

@@thatsaniceboulder1483 Me too. Those needy, vulnerable most of the time even lie, fake things to get their way. So you are talking their not manipulative?

[@Dharmadog12]

@@thatsaniceboulder1483😢 hugs

[@thatsaniceboulder1483]

@@purrsandfurrs I am generalising, I do a bit of a “there, there”*pat pat and not pander to anything that I don’t deem as reasonable.

[@robertdais7569]

I'm so deeply grateful for your YT channel. Your insights are so clear & non-judgmental that they are easy to reflect on and implement into one's life. I'd nominate you as best of YT in your category if such an award existed!🎉

[@bolinhojpeg]

This video was a very good punch to the face, I didn't even realise that I judged other people when they were being vulnerable, but now that I'm consciously thinking about it... I do that A LOT. So I'll start working on changing that mindset, thank you very much for the amazing content.

[@jhlfsc]

Mindblowing! Completely mindblowing! The ONLY part about my realization of being a "dismissive avoidant" that I could not (and still struggle to) understand was how I became this way when I was always so grateful deep down inside to have parents who I knew loved me without question. I know they made mistakes, but thank God I never remember feeling unloved or uncared for. Perhaps that is one of the ironic gifts a Dismissive Avoidant has in that even if we were mistreated, we honestly do not have a conscious realization of it?? In other words, it doesn't come from a place of conscious denial, but rather genuinely not being able to put our finger on it.

[@Laura-jx7il]

i did feel loved too, but feeling loved and feeling seen could be two different things i suppose? parents not mirroring you and naming and working through your emotions with you could still be nice and say i love you. as a child, if thats love to us we dont know what a emotionally intelligent parent would do and what that would feel like. thats my guess

[@jhlfsc]

@@Laura-jx7il True....good points. However, I recently came to the realization that my emotional type of behaviour is probably much more related to my ADHD than from a particular parenting style. People with ADHD have a striking similarity to people with "dissmissive avoidant attachment" and the theory is that a person born with ADHD is WAY more prone to naturally developing this type of attachment stlye regardless of their enviornmental factors.

[@emberembr2944]

For myself, I can't put a finger on it but suspect that my parents straight up couldn't meet my needs because I'm autistic and they 1. didn't know that (and still doubt it). 2. judged me harshly for it Upon rereading your comment I realize that I 100% remember feeling unloved and uncared for so this may not apply. It may still apply though because we both can't put a finger on any specific events that made us avoidant

[@jhlfsc]

@emberembr2944 I will say that since writing that comment, I realized that having a "dismissive avoidant" attachment is probably 95% a result of having ADHD and 5% the way I was raised. By this I mean that I was/am hardwired to lean towards this type of attachment due to the way I process things. I am not sure about autism, but I do know that for most people born with ADHD, the "symptoms" between having that and being dismissive avoidant are virtually identical so in my case, my parents may have been able to consciously do little to nothing to form a traditional "secure" attachment style with me. The fact that I am fortunate enough to not remember ever feeling actively unloved, or rejected by them is a blessing and I am aware of that. The ONLY caveat I will say is that there is a type of parenting that is linked with Dismissive Avoidant attachment other than "neglect" which is being overly responsive to a childs needs but doing so in such an anxious way that a child learns it is better to deal with their issues on their own rather than reaching out and risking being flooded and overwhelmed by their parents emotions in ADDITION to the feelings the child already has about the problem at hand. That type of characheristic definitely applied to at least one of my parents. Whether it was the instinctive way they chose to parent or it was created in response to dealing with a child with ADHD is very hard to determine.

[@viperb4148]

I have a dismissive avoidant ex who would die on the hill that he was raised perfectly without any trauma. He had once told me that I also don't have any trauma (fun fact that he didn't know was that 1 week before he said that, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was on mood stabilizers 😅) but he wanted so much to be perfect without issues and wanted the person he liked to be perfect as well that he pushed any thought of having imperfect parents deep into his mind to be forgotten. I'm fearful avoidant who can see both sides of the coin so I understand him, but I also understand that it doesn't have to come from a traumatic place. It can also come from you not wanting to disappoint your parents

[@katradiction]

Holy moly! I've been with my avoidant partner for a bit over a year and these are all points we have discussed recently!! I feel... A little flabbergasted. It's almost too relatable. I'm excited to see more of your content. 😊

[@surehang]

this was mind blowing to watch. I've noticed all 3 signs without intentionally working on this type of healing, but I've struggled a lot with this lately. Maybe because I'm able to notice these patterns now. thank you! great video

[@leahsamaniego4507]

In my case, when I was younger it was harder for me to sit with people who were having strong negative or what I perceived as negative emotions. Now that I’m healing more, I can sit with these people and objectively respect what they’re going through but I have a very strong negative INTERNAL response. It’s repulsive to me and it’s difficult for me to be around in more than short bursts. I also struggle with people who I see as just complaining or venting without doing anything to help things themselves or find solutions to their problems or feelings. I’m so much better than I was but there’s a lot more work to do because the same responses I have to outside people is also how I react to MYSELF when I’m experiencing a strong emotional or negative experience.

[@JeffD-fe7qg]

Number three is defiantly eye opening. I am a recovering Dismissive and have a hard time with my wife's anxious style. This is very helpful. Thank you!

[@harveyts3]

It's interesting to me. I have all the room in the world for others to feel whatever they need to and live their emotions. I never get frustrated with others unless they push me into situations where I cannot get my own space to process my feelings. I feel like I'm half way towards healing but the last half the half where I am able to feel my feelings instead of just labeling them is close to out of my reach. I'm super calm, I endeavor towards kindness and understanding for everyone else but I cannot excuse myself from anything other than perfect control. I think only my wife would say that I'm even avoidant. I hear from people who do not have to live with me all the time how good of a listener I am, and how reassuring I am when others are struggling. I sometimes wonder if that isn't in part due to my own calm nature and the senseratity in my love for others I'm able to demonstrate. I wondering if I hadn't ended up this way what I might have been like. I it seems was born to love people with little effort. I feel very lucky to be excited to meet new people and to see intrinsic value in others.

[@KimberlyJohnson-c8b]

Just thinking a bit about the feeling of vulnerability I feel when someone who is displaying pain and victimhood, especially when it seems excessive and designed to get people to do things for them, asks me for help. I'm realizing that part of me is thinking, "But, I never got help, so I'm spending the energy I have for this on myself, since no one else will do it. If I give you that energy, I will be empty and destroyed."

[@spianny]

I totally relate to you on this.. spit on! 🙏❤️

[@purrsandfurrs]

I get extremely judgemental when people come to me with their problems. I see them as attention-seeking and weak, even manipulative, and plan to switch the topic or leave asap. That’s because in my younger years and early adulthood I was expected to deal with everything alone, my fears and worries were mocked and downplayed, all while people came to me for advice and help, never asking how I am. It was a combination of everyone wanting me to be there for them and no one being there for me. Today I really pride myself on my mental toughness and independence, and really love this about myself, and find any sign of venting or self-victimization very repulsive. I noticed slight progress I have to say in allowing myself to feel weak without judging myself for it. Its ok to not know what to do sometimes. It’s ok to feel helpless. It’s ok to be confused. It’s ok to be scared. That doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human. I don’t want to abandon myself like people used to do in my childhood. At least I am practicing and trying my best. It’s a work in progress, but it feels nice. Hopefully this will one day translate into my relationships as well.

[@Dharmadog12]

❤

[@Adam326]

Your stuff is helping me out of this pattern so I can be a better partner and person. What’s confusing to me is I can’t tell if it’s intuition or my DA driving me to seek solitude. But at the same time I value my relationship and love my partner very much, I don’t want to give it up. Even though I know it would bring a type of relief, I would deeply regret it later.. This conflict is hellish, but I’m willing to work on it

[@badicavlad3949]

Hello. Have u succeed or break up ??. I have a da partner and im curious ??

[@Adam326]

@@badicavlad3949 We have a family now and I am very secure in our relationship. It was a lot of work and it was painful to go through, but it's possible. I was lucky to have a partner who is patient and loving through it all. I had to go against my thoughts and instinct to run away, because it just comes from fear and not facts. After a while, the fear goes away. So your partner has to have this mindset and put in the work. You can read a book called: The Answer: How to start a relationship and make it last. Which talks about attachment.

[@cornellcutie1]

You always have quality content and are great and breaking down things in a way that is easier to understand. Thank you!

[@Cauldron6]

Thank you so much for this video. I’ve noticed some of these features in myself and I cannot tell you how relieved I feel!

[@Madamekittylein]

Your content is so inspiring to think new ways about me, my past and how I perceive the world. It's one of the most helpful resources to get better, thank you so much! Love from ENFP ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@stevewhite791]

Heidi is out here saving souls. This is great info. Really resonates with me. I forgot all about I’m ok you’re ok. College 101

[@Birdsfan21]

Thanks so much for this video, Heidi. I'm DA on the journey to secure and always curious if I'm on the right track. Thankfully I checked all these boxes! Still work to do, but man so many emotions haha. I credit a very good friend helping me through seeing other perspectives and impact vs intent. You're videos are tremendously helpful.

[@mrstoner2udude799]

Mindblowing insight. Compassion for the emo responses of others is key for me in this area.

[@Ennpey]

This is so helpful. Thank you ♥♥♥ Your videos have already helped me start healing a lot!!

[@gabrielguyenot3960]

I definitely fall into the avoidant category. Particularly the central locus of control, and getting frustrated when others don't operate that way. At this point I can empathize (robotically) with someone showing intense emotion, but I am still disgusted and judgmental of those who allow their emotional overspill to affect other people's quality of life. Specifically like seeing a drug addict trying to steal to fuel their addiction, or an emotionally needy person who can't stop themselves from trying to extract interaction out of me.

[@mattng4707]

Agree

[@Laura-jx7il]

ughh same. i'm not judgy at all towards addiction and social vulnerability in general, but when someone im talking to gets too vulnerable like spilling trauma and talking for an hour about one emotional topic i get disgusted with them.

[@Dharmadog12]

@@Laura-jx7il😢

[@VV-ik7sy]

Oh man….I had a strong pull-back bodily response when you talked about holding space for our victimhood. This video helped me realize I’m not as healed as I thought. But I’m definitely working on it. (Since I’m always curious about the types of people commenting-I’m an Infj 1w2)

[@miyane447]

I’m an INFP and i feel you. I’m also not rlly healed bc i always say my parents were great and i had a good childhood, but i think i’m finally starting to admit i did not always get my emotional needs the way i needed

[@jainy1707]

This added soo much clarity. Thank you soo much. I love your long vids, too much great info. ❤❤❤

[@Ursaminor31]

I learned about unconditional love and support by the opposite at home. Greatest test to figure out and reverse.

[@yotongus]

Thank you so much, Heidi, for all your videos.

[@mahnoor2775]

Watching this and feeling moved because I can finally relate to this😭🥺 and it feels soo good

[@lightroastmocha]

Respect and gratitude! You've been a guiding light in my healing process. Can't thank you enough. 🙏🏻

[@theladyamalthea]

Hallelujah! I’m healing!!

[@philima]

Oh, radical responsibility....😮 Yeah, i dont like vulnerability, it really frustrates me at times. I feel like ppl are weak or doing something that pushes their "unmentionables" onto me. I think deep down its a "im not allowed, so why do you think you are allowed" to be vulnerable... I do get offended by this. This is a weird reaction... I guess i should be happy for them to be able. But i guess ill accept this internal rule first and then develop a curiosity for the others and try to become more vulnerable myself.

[@Inoveon]

So much good stuff here, all 3 signs resonate a lot with me, which makes me happy! One thing I noticed with the last sign is that it's taken me a long time with my previous partner to differentiate between them being vulnerable and sharing where they are at emotionally vs them dumping/being verbally aggressive. Since I'd been learning so much about all things therapy and trauma and attachment, I did a mental translation in my head when my partner was swearing at me that went something like "oh they are angry and I can hear that". Today I view that as really damaging to myself and I make it important to myself how someone displays their emotions with vulnerability or like a weapon. In Radical Honesty they call this the difference between radical honesty and brutal honesty, the former including one's own vulnerability and the latter being more a weaponizing of emotions. I'm curious on your take on this from an attachment perspective. I've experienced this as a big trap for my avoidant attachment pattern. Since I wanted to stay in connection longer and not be as flighty, I overlooked that there are moments where there isn't real connection, but abuse happening. At least, that's my analysis looking at it from today.

[@jamesbow5916]

I feel you. My ex weaponized his emotions against me and anyone else any time he felt threatened (which was any time his emotions were not regulates.... which was often!). It wasn't until after the relationship was over that I better understood how much this wounded me. I had a lot to work through after that relationship.

[@stefanmatton8778]

The thing is, some people DO weaponise vulnerability in order to force guilt onto the other person.

[@DuhaAbuAlQasim]

this video was like a sign from the universe for me. i'm so grateful! thank u for your efforts and making this video. ♥

[@cnunez13]

Thanks for this video! That last point really hit home

[@Embarasin]

It took me a number of years to comprehend that i had medical, dental, Enviornmental relational, trauma because my parents said our childhood was good.. and i never thought to consider until therapy that i had been neglected emotionally , medically, mentally. I had to give little me a name and care about her and also parent her .. about choices i made which led me into Bad relationships and unsafe situations. I might be in the 3rd shift…. But i need to work on that..

[@breezybrookshire]

This was really hard to listen to. I’ve noticed how hard it is to see other people taken things personally, feel pain, etc. because it was best as a child to be the quiet good girl. Now as a recovering people pleaser AND trying to heal the avoidance, it’s a strange dance of knowing when to reach out to others.

[@edaumaysol]

The last point was really important for me to hear. I realized that in my past relationship I was 100% doing this. I was extremely triggered to the point of inability to function or interact properly when my partner was upset. I thought of him as overly emotional, when in fact I believe now that I am non-emotional / under-emotional. But regardless, I needed to meet him where he was at. I was very dysregulated all the time because I didn't understand. I don't think I still can fully understand- others peoples pain makes me cringe and hurt to bare witness to (not out of sympathy but out of disgust, I guess). Trying to work on changing that.

[@BOBO1337gaming]

Proud of myself for this journey and thank you for your insights. Good luck to everyone on this path

[@Flavortastical]

5:16 Oh dang, Those Joe Rogan interviews where he's talking with Bert Kreischer! Bert is just dancing through life, trusting in the universe and Joe wants him to take accountability so bad! I react similarly to people like Bert and I suppose this is why

[@rabbitcreative]

7:51 Thank-you for your usage of 'rational'. In my experience, people use that word to mean, "doing or not doing something I disagree with". So if A does something B agrees with, then B says, "that's rational", and "irrational" otherwise. I take my 'definition' (functional-definition) from Ludwig von Mises, that 'rational' describes a scenario when a person uses particular means to achieve a desired outcome, even if the means chosen didn't yield the desired outcome.

[@luciacollotto641]

Very useful and simple tips !! Thank you so much

[@saltriverpirate3172]

I checked all the boxes on an earlier video, was interesting. Not sure about the 'healing' thing. I appreciate that autism has been described as a spectrum and increasingly see all human situations in terms of shades and nuance. That said, I also appreciate a number of people on that spectrum have made the point they do not consider themselves broken and don't want to be 'fixed'. I have never been more free and at peace. No issues with past mistakes or partners, I accept I am the common thread in all of the dumb things that have happened in my life and forgive myself for not being that smart. Take responsibility, NO good lesson comes from blaming others for anything.

[@Gk2003m]

2:40: one need not idealize childhood in order to forgive the transgressions visited upon you during that time.

[@alexistokarska9541]

I'm in a process of healing my attachment style after a breakup with anxiously attached boy and dearest lord it is sooo true, I am so scared. I told myself that I'm gonna start working on feeling my emotions and sometimes it's good, the other time I'm like "wait is this normal to have this emotion? I had it yesterday and the day before too, does that mean I'm frequently sad? Am I depressed? Should I kill these emotions right in the roots?" It's really exhausting sometimes. Some days ago I found a meditation for feeling and connecting to emotions and feelings, and I see how it helps me, so it may be a good idea for other avoidants.

[@antoniafuenzalida9497]

Thank you sooo much for your incredible content, i feel so seen and relieved to know why i have this especific type thoughts and emotions process

[@DuhaAbuAlQasim]

THIS VIDEO IS SO BEAUTIFUL.... IM CRYINGGG... THANK U SO MUCHHHHHH.

[@cheravie1]

Your videos have helped me so much!! Thank you!

[@GoddessHabits]

Oddly, I took radical responsibility for 30 years and then went through a 4-5 year period of intense victim identity. Maybe it was me trying to integrate.

[@sunbeam9222]

Same

[@Ken19700]

What if you don't remember your childhood?

[@Lee-fs1rg]

Not remembering childhood may be a sign of trauma. My sister experienced that because of extreme neglect

[@Ken19700]

@Lee-fs1rg the memories are there, I get flashes. My parents were good people. There was no neglect from them.

[@Chidi_xx]

For me it’s feeling comfortable actually saying how I feel and not feeling uncomfortable to say it. Or feel it. But once i started feeling it and saying it out loud I feel less repressed and happier

[@IfeomaNwanze1ze]

Asking avoidants in the room that have dated, loved and tried to make it work with an anxious person, do you think living separately helps? Do you encourage the idea of your partner to find emotional support from other people as this can be overwhelming for you? How did you 'meet in the middle'?

[@abp2473]

I can’t speak to experience, but it sounds appealing (to live separately)

[@ferpc0394]

Hello all, I need help and suggestions, PLEASE! 🙌🏼 I have anxious attachment (preoccupied) and my ex-boyfriend has avoidant attachment. He reached out about getting back together. Since the breakup I have been doing inner work and will start therapy this month (for my own sake, not just because of the breakup). One of the ways I can see us moving forward in our relationship is both working on our traumas. I know that he is opposed to therapy (and as an avoidant, that may feel very counterintuitive for him - like major alarm bells) and previously (before we broke up) he was considering my suggestion on couple therapy. Dear avoidants, how can I introduce the topic of therapy without sounding like an ultimatum, demand, making you feeling trapped or forcing? I am lost. I think therapy would help in the long term. I love him SO much, but I know that I can’t be the only one doing the self work in the relationship. I appreciate anyone how could shed a light! ✨🙏🏼🌼 sending peace and light! Appreciate it P.s: thank you so much Heidi for your insightful videos ❤️ they are really helpful!

[@gogyoo]

You can't, really. Either he is convinced he has a problem, or you will butt heads in your second try at the relationship.

[@sunbeam9222]

A lot of DA are not charmed by therapy that doesn't mean they don't do inner work. Other attachment style are more expensive and rely on others to do inner work. A lot of DA don't function like that. I'm a DA and I come from much abuse. I was a real real mess. I never did go therapy but I did work on myself big time for the past 8 years. Often times when I mentioned what I did people would tel l me oh that's what I did in therapy. I came up to all these healing tools on my own, Das way. I keep reading he/ she won't do the work they don't want to go to therapy. Therapy is often self made to a DA.

[@ChaiLatte13]

wow ty! It seems in some areas I am doing better but many areas I am really bad.

[@mahnoor2775]

Please do a more detailed video (later stages pf healing)

[@Knrehnddb]

One thing for me is I get almost jealous or envious when my younger siblings are allowed to be emotionally vulnerable & show their emotions it triggers me in a way where i remember & I want to withdraw even though I know better

[@esther_andfriends]

How would a secure attached describe their childhood? Because I ask myself if secure attached people ever inform themselves about this topic at all or reflect their wounds in childhood. Most people I talk to who want to learn about attachment styled are those who doesn't recognize themselves as 100 percent secure and have recognized anxious, avoidant or disorganized tendencies they want to work on.

[@truephysx2356]

This is also indicative of a lot of how the military trains people to behave too. It’s always someone’s fault about this or that, so someone has to take responsibility.

[@IfeomaNwanze1ze]

As an anxious person having issues with my avoidant partner this is just funny. Traumas mhen Being very objective and honest with myself are part of the tools I need to navigate this

[@Evi_Evi86]

I was emotionally neglected as a child and have an avoidant attachment style. In therapy i learned to listen to my wants and needs a lot more, and also became more aware of and okay with other people's vulnerabilities. I can deal with other people's emotions a lot better now. But what bothers me is that I still have trouble dealing with the emotions of my parents and sisters (mainly my parents). I feel some sort of resentment towards them. What could be the reason that I am okay with people's emotions/vulnerabilities now, but not those from my parents?

[@Nothing_Left_To_Say]

‏‪5:40‬‏ Ok, so you just said the most important point. "Unless you were locked together in a room", and thats exactly what happens when you try to be intimate with someone, and as longer you are locked with some person, bigger the chance of old avoidant you to reappear with all his glory, and no matter how effectively he is with all the signs you mentioned which point that he may be healing...

[@rabbitcreative]

5:05 Sounds like my mom. And I think I understand, at least in part, why. Hmm... Especially at 6:08. Incredible.

[@Baltabak]

me driving on the road with other people. sees/involved driving behavior I dont like/wouldn't do. me: "I'm OK. You are not OK."

[@l.soloproductions1465]

Great video and very helpful!

[@maxzoe948]

Great video, many thanks.

[@anthonyyarborough4231]

Mind blowing. Thank you so much

[@sdearing6375]

I understand what you are saying better than the useless therapist I hired for 6 years. I think the judgment part is that people who play the victim make it unsafe and chaotic

[@grounded.growing.and.glowing]

thank youuuuuu❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@JaniceWalker-t6q]

Thank you!!!!❤

[@Arya-78-g4u]

Grateful ❤

[@russellschmidt3593]

This was enlightening thank You

[@sunnyjim369]

Thankyou ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!!!

[@CrowMagnum]

I refer to some of what is discussed here as an intolerance of intolerance

[@vunguyentr5561]

00:40 "what psychopath rely solely on logical data but emotional" speak me the avoidant 1:10 me whenever the feeling is overbearing, let it numb

[@deekum6557]

5:10 boom! Glad to hear I am recovering a bit

[@janamalkawi1836]

Thank gad I'm healing

[@Reflectionsfrompoetryandwords]

Is there any book to know more about this?

[@Dontclickmychannellll]

Adult children of emotionally immature parents

[@bunny8352]

Aah so ive been healing, let me be patient then

[@andym264]

Do you think you could slow down a bit!

[@oliwia8285]

Can you heal your attachment style even though you are not in a relationship?

[@namelessbrat7197]

For a DA, you might get the theoretical knowledge needed, but being in a relationship, or rather interacting with people who you can practice being vulnerable with and who challenge your assumptions/wounds/triggers is vital. Theory and practice are two different beasts.

[@junbh2]

I think you can at least partly. Plus relationships don't need to be romantic relationships specifically.

[@leifdux7277]

Damn, the self-regulating part is big. My mother was always absent so I had to resort to taking care of myself with her abuse and well as my own life obstacles. Heh, made me super independent but I'm sure I lost a lot of hair in the process LOL

[@jpkeen]

Thank you

[@TheIcyjul]

i have ADHD and i do get bored and i also get to be like hyper focus so my relationship kinda jump from 1 to another relationship : so having a long-term relationship like anything above 1 year and above can be a struggle and i kinda have blockage in my heart chakra : so sometime i kinda more into the sexual side but less emotional towards partner or partners... its kinda sad to myself im keen on learning more any tips on that

[@franciannetavares]

❤

[@brokeboy87]

Heidi eyes look extremely blue in this video.

[@J_Dot_S]

7:54-8:10....😮🤯🤠

[@JohnM...]

6:30 don’t you mean INTERNAL locus? It’s the external that’s f***ed up…

[@tiaturnbullchampionscoachi9587]

This parallels embracing shadows.

[@monikap8777]

Can it actually be healed?

[@namelessbrat7197]

Yes. Seen many DAs heal it, and they're happier and even more regulated than before! (And they thrive now in their relationships with partners and kids) But just a note: there is no way around the discomfort and pain while on the path of healing.

[@johnhatch2519]

Could you re-state everything you talk about in this video in such a way that a person with only a high school education can understand it? Asking for my Dismissive Avoidant girlfriend.

[@joeaverage3444]

I'm avoidant, but I've never felt like there was something wrong with me or that I needed healing. I'm not unhappy with the way I am. So why change.

[@An_Gha_]

Just tell before dating so we can run away.

[@Sleepingwei]

We’ve all been there. I mean I guess it depends how old you are, but there will come a point in your life where you realise your own inherent loneliness and disconnect from the world and you’ll realise that being avoidant means a life of isolation. Our avoidance protects us from rejection, and because we avoid we are always rejected. It’s a vicious cycle. We reject to avoid rejection because rejection is painful and so then nobody chooses us. All scenarios leave us isolated.

[@namelessbrat7197]

I haven't met a DA so far who thought there was a problem with them. I also haven't met one who did the work and regretted it afterwards. Ironically, those who did the work still insist there was nothing wrong with them, but admit they are happier, more relaxed, even more in control now and with better beliefs and relationships. The thing with DAs is that their wounds are unconscious. Conscious or not, those wounds still exist. And logic propels us to heal our wounds. It's the sensible (though uncomfortable) thing to do. On a fun note, one DA told me the secure style sounded very toxic to him, and he's happy being DA.

[@grabbelton]

You talked extra fast this time ..hard for me to follow...r 3x i stil can't follow..even with the English subtitles 😟. I think i sm getting old 👵🏻