Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: 3 Early Signs Of Healing

[@starmc91]

It’s nice to know that I’m not crazy and other people are going through this too. We are healing 😊

[@Mattiasje]

Right there with you. All aboard the healing train👉

[@sisieko]

Yes we aree!

[@jazminehudson]

I'm so happy for us 😍

[@sisieko]

@@jazminehudson me too!

[@SmallBobby]

@@Mattiasje so corny, yet so cute and heartwarming.

[@Mindsetolympics]

1) "Be aware of your emotions but never make a decision in the height of your emotions." + Acknowledging that there is a version of yourself that can return to a calmer, more emotionally regulated place. 2) Recognize your attachment wound for what it is. Nothing deeply wrong with you. Knowing you are capable of connecting with people. Knowing you're not a bad person for the bad behavior in relationships at times. "I can be trusted. You can be trusted. I'm okay. You're okay." 3) No fear/triggering when others express emotional vulnerability.

[@XxJazzXox]

Thankyou, much love❤️

[@Thysta]

This came to me at the right time thanks

[@MAli-rw8ko]

Thanks

[@oishikaray2767]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟✨✨✨✨✨✨🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞🌞

[@kathleenbell9509]

Thanks

[@philima]

This video is literally life changing for me. I never knew WHY i git triggered by vulnerability of others. I get reeeally weirded and grossed out by it in some situations. Also, explaininh that i am actually capable of love and not flawed is a game changer. I always believed i was just not capable of it in romantic relationships. I never understood myself at all. Suddenly getting super insecure or super cold and distant in relationships...i really really started hating myself because i didnt want to be that way. But that's not me, thats the attachment issue. It isn't ME. 😭🙏

[@akaraulov]

This or BPD. Sorry for putting it like this, but you better check with a specialist. This still won’t be YOU tho. We, trauma survivors, hear you, we are with you and you are doing great❤

[@Selly1801]

I also thought for the longest time I'm not capable of love or having a relationship, but now I've started to learn more about my attachment style and how to heal from it. It's so comforting to know you yourself are not always the way you react (which doesn't take away the responsibility, but helps you realize you can change your reactions)

[@belleofthecamp6530]

A a fearful /disorganized avoidant I’ve learned to “slow dating” and to try to pause or wait…it is best for me especially when I am feeling unsure or unworthy etc. In the past I may have jumped into situations or relationships and then felt trapped or even super anxious (if partner was dismissive avoidant) which then manifested in shame and frustration.

[@blankpagepanic]

Dating DAs as a FA can be soooo triggering. I have a hard time figuring out when to communicate, sometimes it feels too early

[@belleofthecamp6530]

@@blankpagepanic it’s the worst 😝 but one of the best ways to objectively improve my own avoidant behavior I’ve learned

[@mlynnmcclish3406]

I've had therapy, watched 3 years worth of utube videos, listened to trauma podcasts, etc. Anything to "find myself" or figure out "what's wrong with me" I am fearful-avoidant and was with an anxious avoidant for 15 years then jumped into a 3 year dismissive avoidant relationship. This turned my world upside down! I felt I emotionally hit bottom. Finding your videos....has helped me. Saved me. I am officially dating myself. I am for once in a long time.. whole.

[@jazmineworthy2010]

❤❤❤

[@sisieko]

I'm so happy for you 💖💖 it's great to hear that!

[@saral5373]

I love this ! How are you now ?

[@frederickhartray8364]

Heidi is great isn't she. So insightful. Best wishes for your future relationships or single life.

[@benkesallai]

I am happy for you! :) But for a while I thought too that I became secure during my healing journey. I was way better in managing emotions and the health of non-romantic relationships, however those did not really reach that deep emotional intimacy level so my fearful avoidant pendulum didnt start to swing between my Avoidant and ANxious sides. it went dormant. Well, when I got into one, it started again. Sadly i was not aware of it 1st, but after the breakup I knew what happened to me. I returned to my patterning. My advice as a random commenter, just be mindful about it. See the early signs and trust yourself! I know now, that's what im doing...

[@Itssimplyaisha]

I’m noticing more when I don’t trust myself when I make a decision. I also realize I am very Critical of others and myself. I’m learning to understand everyone can be who they want to be.

[@oonaghmolyneux7760]

‘My nervous system is on fire right now’ is a great analogy. And a helpful way to think ‘who lit the match’ 🔥🙏

[@royaloakseskies]

And as an anxious avoidant, I recognize many times it is my own insecurities that lit the match and the other person didnt even do anything

[@JBgoodiebag]

Hahaha this was me last night! It was a huge fire. Ugh I hate this so much. I’m finally feeling calm now

[@bugjustine]

Just starting this and have to say: I LOVE that you go deep and get expansive. And I HATE the more soundbyte kind of information that is slapping you in the face literally everywhere you look and don't look. So the first minute of this video actually breaks my heart. I know succinct is not always superficial - but it sure risks it. And it kind of precludes taking people along for the riff and the ride - which I feel you absolutely shine at for me. I draw SO much out of it. I mean, some people want only the Cliff Notes and punch lines... but, honestly, they get catered to up the wazoo. We are losing the capacity to think through entire problems or systems and are all about the quick fix. I mean - if you want to speak to both, maybe start your video by saying: this is the topic, these seem to be the take-home points and conclusions - and this is how I got there if you want to join me for the scenic tour. I don't want to miss out on ANY of your thoughts or meanderings. None of them.

[@heidipriebe1]

This comment made me happy to read! I am a very long-winded person by nature (and appreciate long-winded explanations myself) so I love hearing that it is appreciated ❤️ Thank you for expressing that! And also - don't worry! I have no intention of becoming short and punchy in my style overall - I am only trying to keep things concise this week because I am having a particularly busy week but still want to stick to an upload schedule! I'll be back at it with the lengthier videos soon 😁

[@bugjustine]

💜💜💜

[@awesomefeldmanfamily]

Yay! More longer videos!

[@deborahwalsh4319]

I am really enjoying you sharing insights on avoidant attachment (having this myself). However i found this very hard to follow, especially the preamble (was all info necessary?) and the speed. I feel you have something very valuable to share.

[@taylorsmith4128]

Yes!! Thank you for going in-depth

[@rainbowkitschen6442]

This was very validating and encouraging 😁❤️ I find personifying the two different attachment patterns in my mind and letting them have their say without fearing/rejecting them to be helpful. I guess that ties into being able to recognize them as strategies instead of who you are, but it's really cool to be able to place yourself in the observer position and watch it play out inside of you. You still absolutely feel all the emotions that come with being triggered, but you don't get lost in them. Also, being able to recognize that you're triggered in the moment, communicate it to the person you're talking to and ask for however much time you need to self-regulate. More often than not, the realization comes afterwards. So, being able to do it in real-time every now and again is pretty awesome.

[@jamiejohnson7199]

The way you speak about attachment has resonated with me so much more than anyone else on KZbin. I’ve found myself often thinking, “this is not at all specific. I feel like anyone could relate to any of these. This is basically astrology.” But your descriptions have me furiously nodding my head during my commute because you speak to the depth of the experience. Thank you!!!!

[@sophiapetrillo3008]

Thank you so, so much for this! You have explained this better than anyone else. Holy crap!! THE VALIDATION!!! Your gift to the world is so powerful. I’m saving this video so I can listen to it over & over again. This is THE priority in my life right now. I’m about to join a Being Your Own Loving Parent support group & your videos encouraged me to seek it out. This is majorly encouraging. Thank you.

[@cameryngallardo]

Just summarizing so I get it: 1. Not making decisions in an activated state 2. Being okay with oneself and their actions 3. Accepting emotional vulnerability from others The content is great as always!

[@NiiNiiSparkle]

Wait…… so, are y’all INFJs too???? 😅👀🌝 Also, I’ve definitely healed…. I did it… I’m securely attached now 🎉

[@user-ir5jm4vv1b]

do you mind sharing with us the way you healed esp if you have a partner, how did you deal with the constant urge to pull away?

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

2:55 - "...my calm regulated adult self..." I've been meaning to develop one of those

[@anjastriepke569]

Luckily you just need one 🙂

[@ivelis1876]

I find these immensely useful as someone not yet in “stage 2 or 3” because it gives me a guideline for what to do now that I’m trying to take this attachment style and myself seriously. You clearly state the behaviors before and then what’s being done as an improvement, along with an end goal, which is amazing as I don’t ever hear what to do about how I’m feeling. It’s usually just me knowing I am this way, kinda reasoning that it boils down to my personality, and then criticizing myself for being that way. Love this, definitely keeping these pointers in mind so I can eventually say I’m in the process of effectively healing :) thank you!

[@emmaberger3748]

Yesss me too

[@NickoseLayne]

I am definitely on the right path. This feels good

[@chelsey7034]

I usssed to be someone who gets so easily affected by other people's feelings and somehow, I owned that feeling, it's as if I have to do something about it but the truth... I don't have too because it's not me who is required to regulate that feeling. I'm so grateful to feel validated.. been thinking of this for a long time. It's okay for me to detach. Thank u Heidi 💝💝

[@EmpressLestat]

When our style becomes our "beliefs", it's more difficult to heal. At this point I actually believe being self-reliant is a sign of Sovereignty, so when I see others playing the victim, I'm really turned off. I can consciously realize that everyone is allowed their own way of being, but right now I still "believe" it's better to be more aware that your life is your responsibility and not to blame others. I've got rewiring to do.

[@vivbill6802]

Healing can’t happen entirely by yourself. It’s good to take responsibility for your actions but hyper individualism is not healthy.

[@anjastriepke569]

Super-helpful, thank you. And for me the 3rd rationale is not as you describe. As a fearful-avoidant I was just recently triggered in my wanting to run. Not because I could not tolerate the other to express what I cannot, but because of an intense sense of responsibility for the other's vulnerability. My inner child is very worried that she will be unequipped and overwhelmed to support them, and possibly even trigger or harm them while they are low.

[@nanettevh]

Thank you for making this video. What you said with point 2 really hit me. ‘It is not necessarily the reaction I would choose’. That made me cry a bit and release the struggle that I have been having. Because I can see my reaction and I recently have been aware of how it (negatively) impacts others. And that pains me. I wouldn’t choose this if I could. And knowing that I would not choose this reaction but it is mere conditioning from the past really sooths me!

[@user-qw5bk1sg6d]

This is helping me more than anything has in my 55 years. Thank you for explaining and validating my feelings.

[@nishkalaprakash506]

I've never been able to tolerate when friends or partners whine or complain. Logically, I know its important to vent and a few times i do that too. But i hated that i used to get irritated and i hated that i would ever feel judgy about someone i love so deeply but this outer critic thing is making so much sense to me. I've never ever had the opportunity to complain growing up. Firstly, I had no clue how to articulate or even identify my feelings. But also there was no option for me to complain. I just had to repress the anger and move on. It really helps knowing that this is where the irritation comes from. I am able to look at my loved ones with so much more kindness now :) And also trying to actually complain more haha

[@beelove13]

I needed this! I had come back to this because it made me so uncomfortable lol but, I was very anxious at one point. Now I’m not anxious, I’m fearful and avoidant and it’s hard because I want to be the best mom. When I. Am with my daughter I fight through it. I’ll do anything to be able to comfort het. But, I don’t want to fight through it. I want to heal. So I can make a lasting connection with her and I know my childhood isn’t her fault and I won’t let it be. Anyway, thank you

[@marcwemtrust1480]

So this sounds like: If you first experienced secure style in childhood and then had some trauma, it seems possible styles can change to insecure ones or the other way round: First having insecure style and then healing. It depends on the self learning, being aware, communicating, regulating plus it depends on the patience, compassion, strengths and understanding of people you are with. Its interesting to see that some results of the attatchmentstyle-tests are displayed in the different percentages of those styles. In some cases not too much accurate, but nice making people think about themselves, not that much about the result, but because selfawareness is better key. Thanks much for going deep, very insightful, this might help also understanding some behavior of family members as well for people who had traumatic experiences.

[@felixtownn]

"You are now able to differentiate between your trauma/pattern and your sense of self. That goes a long way in your healing journey" "Realize that there is a calmer you behind the pattern behavior" 4:00

[@erinmarie11116]

Recognizing when i am having an emotional experience and expressing it in an appropriate way. In the past, I would bottle things up, or rationalize the scenario but never acknowledge that i was affected by said action. I am now able to recognize the emotional state and clearly express it in a appropriate manner where both parties are able to have their needs met. I no longer blow up and/or cut and run. I can observe when i am activated and take a time out. I am now at a place where i can tame the urge to react, create space, and revisit when i am emotionally stable. Thank you for the content you are creating. Your videos are providing tools and insight for me to reprogram and tap into my full potential.

[@mariab.gonzalez6130]

How did you heal?

[@erinmarie11116]

@@mariab.gonzalez6130 honestly, it is thru the acceptance that this is a lifelong journey and I won’t ever be fully “healed”. I journal daily and constantly am checking in with myself in how I feel. Being curious to scenarios that activate emotions and create space prior to responding. Also, giving myself a lot of love and grace when I stumble and fall. The recent thing I have been working with is noticing body sensations throughout the day and relate it back to what I was thinking or experiencing. Since I spent most my life in flight/fight mode, body sensations were foreign, so I was not able to trust myself in what I was feeling because I didnt understand the clues my body was giving me. (Ie pain in my chest when I am anxious….warm and tingly when I interact with someone I am interested in). I hope that offers some insight for you. Doing the work is not an easy venture, but its beautiful, worthwhile, with the benefits being greater than imagined.

[@gabriellegerdes1351]

I'm in enneagram 2 with a fearful avoidant attachment style.... And damn it's tough. It's definitely a lot tougher now with being sober (3 years) as I can't just "drink the feelings away". I know now after a LONG time of being "numb" that I NEED to feel these feelings and process them. After watching this video (and some confirmation from my therapist) I am started to heal. Sign #1 is recognizing the feelings/patterns and yup I can now see that. Sign #2 and #3 are getting there which again, baby steps.

[@luminariasanctuaryofficial]

This is gold! We need more of this content! We struggle to change when we only get a few vague or “meme-y” bullet point that feel like “aha” moments, producing a lot of dopamine and feelings of elation, but then doesn’t actually help dig out the roots of the dysfunction or model real-world change. Please, Do NOT try to cut down on your words simply because of people’s waning attention span and KZbin algorithms. Your words, plus all the details and how they interact to form an experience, are important. We need these descriptions not as an overview, but to arrive in our consciousness as intimately and detailed as we are in our own minds, as detailed as our emotions and internal dialogue is, because that’s how we experience it. The human brain works on contrast, right? We only know pain in comparison to peace, hot in comparison to cold, up in comparison to down. We need both the dysfunctional model in detail as well as a functional model in detail, so that we can examine both and finally have the choice of which one to practice. It is then that we can heal lighting-fast. For this reason, I’ve been working on producing “maps” of the landscape of personal growth, tying together psychological models with neuroscience and descriptions of experience with feelings and thoughts, and what not to do as well as what to do. I’ve spent 30 years studying neuroscience, trauma healing, psychology, etc, as well as healing myself. What I’ve seen is that most people don’t heal until they either hear a million things they relate to (which are semantic needles in a haystack), plus they experience new things (which takes time and the opportunity), OR … they get a full picture of the dysfunctional model that empowers them to track down their own wounds, as well as a functional model to compare it to, and for the first time in their life they see clearly that there is an option, and can exercise choice, allowing the PFC enough data to create enough dopamine and new neural connections to override trigger-state much faster. We need these full mental models to be able to understand the depth and breadth of the dysfunction and all its attached beliefs and behaviors and cultural threads. I’d love to hear you go on for hours because your many words are helpful to fill in the blanks!

[@dustinquinton]

A sign that I’m getting better. When I think about my past relationship, and I get sad/mad, I come back to reality and it calms me down.

[@Dd94949]

Circle of security reframes the resentment projection model "im not allowed so youre not allowed" to a protection model - ie im protecting "us" from the pain and rejection i felt as a child. It's more empathic than you hurt me i hurt you. It's "lets both stay away from this painful way of being (that is actually perfectly safe)". Yay transactional analysis! I have the book I'm ok you're ok but haven't read it yet...but am aware of the model through COS intervention.

[@melissamelchor2753]

I just watched this one and another one of your avoidant videos, as I am healing this pattern within myself and I wrote so many notes! The biggest “aha” for me was that I often feel disgusted when my partner (in my most conscious relationship yet) shows me too much affection or acts like a baby & this is probably b/c those behaviors were rejected by my parents early on! Thank you for all your insight! 🤎🤎

[@NiiNiiSparkle]

Same

[@katso9834]

Observed the same in my r‘ships. Probably also has to do with this behaviour pushing me into the caretaker „grownup“ role that i had to fulfil as a child for my anxious/avoidant parents.

[@ginettegagnon1919]

I absolutely love this video! So glad that I found your channel! I wrote so much down. My favorite thing you mentioned was that the dysregulated/disorganized state and reactions are NOT who you are. And the bit you said about detaching identity from reaction patterns. I really needed to hear that! I am working hard in my relationships and in therapy and I can’t wait to watch more of your videos 💕

[@StaceyS1111]

Wow, thank you so much! I definitely experienced #1 today for the first time, and once i saw your video, i was very proud of myself for being able to recognize what i was going through and to self regulate. Being able to be aware of the disregulation once triggered really does help because once you are conciously aware of it, its easier to reason with yourself and subconscious and to not act in those moments. I was able to actually control and calm my nervous system after a bit, and that feels so good! Im glad to know i am on the right track. Thank you again for your video

[@awesomefeldmanfamily]

Your videos are amazinggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!

[@MeghanDonnellyIPY]

Dear Heidi, From a fellow Swiftie, Can you do a video on the top five fearful avoidant song lyrics by Taylor Swift?

[@Kbbqdota]

A friend suggested that this might be my style and recommended your videos. It’s been a real revelation because I feel like everything from childhood circumstances to behaviors long and short-term genuinely have fit to a tee. Thank you so much Heidi for shedding light on and skillfully articulating this information. I can’t be the only person who no longer feels just somehow defective or broken anymore and it’s just given so much hope and things to look forward to. Much ❤

[@stikk]

My aha: Recognize the you beneath this reaction pattern that is calm and stable. I'm not going to make decisions, or interact in this current state. I'll practice waiting until my regulated state is back, and use that calm and stable mind because the decisions are important to me. Also recognizing the the internal and unconscious thought pattern of "I'm not ok. You're not ok." Another aha is that I am healing. This feels super good. I was specifically looking for videos that didn't read "1:39:38" as their length. Boy am I glad I saw this! Ii really appreciate your effort. Thank you

[@mebeasensei]

How do you know if your own attachment injury is the source of being triggered you or if your partner/would-be partner is not acting out or is reminding you that he/she simply is not someone you really wanna be with?

[@pyre6772]

For me, I don't feel like I experience resentment towards people showing emotional vulnerability, but I definitely experience the 'if you can't have a toy, nobody can' resentment of people engaging in activities or interests that I want to but am unable to or feel like I can't.

[@letsgocnote85]

Fearful avoidant confirmed so I'm going down the rabbit hole now. You're brilliant and grateful for you! 😎🤘🏽💜🙏🏽

[@UnicornzAndLolipopz]

I've watched this like 5 times through my healing process. Everytime I watched this video before today it was used as a benchmark. Today I watch this video and go "Wow, I'm starting to show the signs! The signs are everywhere!". Okay maybe not the last part but I'm excited for my healing.

[@alexchong213]

As part of the healing process maybe consider changing your name ...MadKat? 😆🤣

[@UnicornzAndLolipopz]

@@alexchong213 Lemme confirm with your friend Cheech before I name change 🤣

[@Frazzle164]

Ditto to what was said above. Please don’t feel compelled to give in to short attention span virus and soundbiteitis! I’ve studied psychology/attachment for years (unofficial degree) and you organize and deliver info in a unique way that simply works (and thus, helps)! Many major lasting ahas. You also provide full mental meals, not just snacks. (That said, this snack was super nutritious.) My ahas: not so much FA as previously thought, but my external critic (Resentment projected as judgement, oh my! 😮) is on fire trying to enforce some weird toddler rules. Thanks a mill and please keep on, at whatever length feels right to your inner genius.

[@celinefrancesca114]

Hi Heidi, I class myself as an FA on a beautiful healing journey, I have done a lot of work and research so I don’t believe at all I have misdiagnosed myself this type of attachment style. However, I will say I don’t really resonate with your last point.. in being triggered when people express their emotional vulnerability. I am a massive empath and if anything it makes me feel more connected to people when they express their feelings to me… even though of course I find it hard to express my own. When it comes to the reverse it never really bothers me? Is it something that not all FA’s experience ? Because definitely not in my case x

[@TechieSewing]

When I found out that co-regulation may be done within 30min or less, while my normal way of going no contact and processing is usually around 3 days, sometimes more. It's not that I never tried that before. People have to commit to not playing a therapist, not criticising etc, because often complaining to friends would leave me worse than I started. I guess emotionally immature people befriend emotionally immature people and talk to them in emotionally immature way, and statistically, as we age, less people around are still immature.

[@gbltzr]

Firstly, I love your longer 30-min. videos! I adore the deep dives andI play them as I’m getting ready in the morning. Secondly, your point about being deeply triggered by people displaying emotional vulnerability..i’m not one to do so, but I once was triggered by a higher up at work when he shared a vulnerability that I identified so closely with, it felt overwhelming and I shut down the conversation. I’ve never responded like that to a situation when someone’s being vulnerable with me. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll say my strong suit is being an empath. Ironically, I was attracted to this person. I’ve learned my avoidant side comes out when I’m at the verge of caring Too Much in professional work relationships… Please keep making insightful videos like these! Tbh I don’t care it they’re 10-min or 30. I’m here for it.

[@bobleglob162]

You packed a helluva lot into this vid. Lots of good stuff. Thank you. I've just recently learned about these attachments styles. Pretty sure I'm Fearful-Avoidant. No progress report yet but I know what I need to look out for.

[@amasterofone]

Wow, i thought i was further along my healing journey than i actually am. This shows me that i still have a lot of work to do.

[@capipanda9812]

Same.

[@edgreen8140]

Anyone can show anything they want. They're just showing who they are.

[@DD-ic1bd]

Phenomenal, thank you!! Was so nice as you were explaining #1 and I was able to say..yep, yep, yep.. throughout! One of the best topics ever for FA's! Gives hope and encouragement to be able to know what progress looks like!!🤗🤗💖

[@artisticagi]

1:25 knowing when you feel disorganized 1:50 your fight of flight is activated. Remind yourself: 5:45 2nd Sign: Not Being Triggered By Emotional Vulnerability

[@danniellenelson9446]

Wow, my behavior and how I show up in relationships is NOT who I am... That one hit me in the feels. Good to know I'm healing. I just feel like I'm "in the way" most of the time and that my loved ones have to "put up with me". #3 I'm getting WAY better about. The first 2, still recovering and in the thick of right now... however, #3 shows up for me because I am a "play by the rulebook" person, and when others "break" those rules, especially ones that we have TALKED about, really trigger me hard.

[@elenaangelova7]

Curious about the connection between daydreaming, attachment styles, and quality of life? Participate in my masters study examining daydreaming as a potential therapy for adults (18+) with fearful-avoidant attachment. If you value independence, fear intimacy, and struggle to fully engage in relationships, you may have fearful-avoidant attachment. Click on this link: ntupsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9HU3lFedSJOLdpc to join this exploration of daydreaming, attachment, and well-being (and help me reach my target sample size for my masters diss aha :)) Thank you all in advance!!

[@sophiapetrillo3008]

Does anyone know the best way to find therapists or coaches who specialize in attachment styles? I’ve never been able to find anyone who seems to get it or focus on it to this extent. Would love to know if anyone has suggestions.

[@cococabane1]

Personal Development School therapists all experts in it with lots of resources at the school. They’re brilliant

[@sophiapetrillo3008]

@@cococabane1 awesome thank you!

[@salmanisrar3772]

Check out Attachment Project's site. You would find help there.

[@Kaizen800]

You are exceptional at explaining all these concepts. Thank you for making these videos. You’ve helped me immensely.

[@rosesofebony]

I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, but I have always been comfortable with other people having feelings. I just don't like having them. It's definitely a good idea not to make decisions in that altered state. That's what I learned from this video.

[@mooninrosequartz]

I’m the same but I have to admit there were times deep down when I felt jealous they could be so raw and vulnerable in a way I felt incapable of

[@rosesofebony]

I'm sorry you struggle with the same issue. However, I'm thankful to know I'm not alone. From my perspective, it's absolutely okay to feel jealous. I believe all emotions are neutral. I view jealousy as the Bat Signal from Batman. It's a signal to work on our fear of abandonment. I have gotten better at feeling my emotions with safe people in my inner circle, but I still need to work on doing it with others outside of it. I have a feeling you'll get there too. Sending hope and peace your way.

[@mooninrosequartz]

@@rosesofebony thank you for your message, I greatly appreciate your validation, yes I see my jealousy as a form of admiration and remind myself that it’s a message from my body to honour but doesn’t have to persist or overwhelm me, I love how you say it’s a Bat Signal, that’s a really succinct way to put it. I’m definitely working on my issues and am trying to show up more raw in my inner circle and others, it is a struggle but I feel hopeful having made it this far Thank you again for your kind words, I wish peace, love and joy for you too

[@InTheServiceOfTheQueen]

Me and my husband are fearful attachment. But we're both in therapy although separated. How often do marriages work out with this?

[@mitchrehner4827]

Currently going through my “ah ha” moment. Ironically enough, my “ah ha” moment was triggered by being discarded by another fearful avoidant. This has been me for as long as I can remember without even realizing it. And in my adult life I have lost some people because of this. I can safely say I am currently in step 3. I just keep wishing I hadn’t had to go through so much heartache and loss to get here. If only I could go back with what I understand now to mend those relationships. I can feel myself shedding my old skin and it hurts. Anyways…thanks for this video. It’s good to know I’m not alone and to trust the process. Even if it is painful.

[@bm5_5_5]

"I’m not okay, you’re not okay". Wow this part especially really hit deep. I am definitely not as secure as I thought I was. However, this video proves to me that I’m starting to separate myself from these old patterns at last because I am conscious of them and actively trying to do better/make different choices. I felt so unsafe in my body for the longest time so I realise this made everybody else feel unsafe to me. Now I can trust myself this has helped me to trust others. What a breakthrough this year has been. I actually believe I can turn the last 15 years around now at last and can co create a healthy relationship with someone.

[@aishahouwen4686]

FA here. Question for anyone who has moved from insecure attachment to secure attachment/is further in their healing: do you ever stop feeling gross and deeply uncomfortable and unsafe after being vulnerable? I know I should do it despite being scared, and recently I have been, with my two *closest* friends. (Emphasis on closest because I can't with anyone else. The first one I've been friends with for 6 years before being able to be vulnerable and the other one met me as I am so I don't have to pretend) But after a few hours and days and weeks later, when I think back on it I cringe physically. Like, ew. And in those moments, I'm overcome with this anxiety that it was unsafe to do (even if my friends reacted with understanding and compassion, which they always do). But I remind myself it's fine and that it's just my insecurities. Will I ever not freak out about it?? Also does it get easier ☹️ cuz it will take me an hour of hyperventilating before I can share said vulnerable thing (very incoherently and through choking back tears and constant long pauses and "um"s) I just hope it gets better and I'm able to share with more ease and less anxiety

[@JohnM...]

Or maybe take the absolutely pathetically inadequate advice from Forrest Hanson’s Dad of ‘lean into it’ without any further explanation that generally ‘find people and situations that make you feel better about yourself.’ Honestly, that ‘advice’ is the worst, and least helpful I’ve ever heard.

[@Hezcumiruka]

AMAZING! Thank you so much! I can see clearlier how my brain works and I can identify that those behaviors don't define me

[@elizabethparkes1581]

Thanks heidi…. So glad that you have picked the points that i am going through…. Amazing exposition

[@Jihanaldz]

I personally think I’ve tackled stage 1 & 2, I’m still struggling with stage 3 though…

[@bbnikk]

It was so difficult for me since the very beginning of my childhood to process all these emotions and only in the past year I've successfully completed the stage 2 of your teaching but unfortunately it's a long way to reach that 3rd stage. I'm doing great as my progress is going good. Your video was very helpful to me. Highly appreciated.

[@Freya-qu9wo]

I think I can be anxious preoccupied but at the first sign of conflict I want to break up. And I will, very stubborn, I will not contact them. They have to beg me to get back together. So what am I?

[@wednes3day]

Doesn't point one imply that you should be leaning more into avoidant aspects? And continuing to dislike the anxious? Feels like it's missing the counterpart for being better adjusted also when the avoidant/deactivated kicks in. For example "hey, rn you're not feeling things as personally, but that doesn't mean that those feelings aren't there for you at the core" .. something like that?

[@carolyncarlson6410]

The way you explain things really helps, I'll be watching some vids more than once. If they're a little longer w/more info that's ok-thank you!

[@Ascendance1992]

this is the most polite way I've ever been told to grow tf up and get over myself

[@heligahelena5707]

I expressed a need and we had a conversation than made me feel terrible but I smiled and looked him in the eyes and talked about emotions and practicality from a rational point of view and when he left I felt nothing. The next morning I woke up and was angry and confused and HURT and wanted to end it but at the same time thought maybe this isn't a regulated state to make decisions from (at least I thought about it) so I just sent a text. A bad text. Then he called and my emotions were all over the place so this is maybe the only good thing - I told him maybe we should talk when we've calmed down. I waited 24h then sent him a text saying I wanted to end it and not talk about it and if he had something more to discuss he could text me. I don't regret ending it (for the 4th time but 50% of them by him) since we're really not good for each other and usually in a limbo of labels. I doesn't make me feel safe. That I know.

[@loliipop070409]

What do you mean I can STOP THINKING IM UNWORTHY Z

[@demonhauntedplaygound4618]

Great video, thanks for the great content! The underlying problem you highlight in your #3 here, wow, that's been me for as far back as I can remember (I genuinely thought this was just a me thing, I've never encountered anyone who understood that side of me before, it's strange to see someone talking about an aspect of myself that seems so unique to me, as if it's totally normal and commonplace for people of a certain type of attachment style). But for me it's not just for feelings of vulnerability, but for most feelings in general. When I'm around people and they're not all maintaining an emotionally neutral state, or somewhere close to it, and their also not attempting to avoid veering far from neutral, then I'm on edge and waiting to go into flight or freeze mode (which is why I've mostly chosen to avoid being around other people as much as possible, because it's an exhausting state to be in). I've had Alexithymia (I'm totally blind to my own emotions) for as long as I can remember, and it seems to make sense to me now that these two things are linked, maybe the attachment style caused it (altho it could just be that I was born w/ it, I can't necessarily rule that out). I've been working on quieting that outer critic, trying to become ok w/ others having/expressing feelings around me, and have made some progress there, but it still seems I have a long way to go. It seems like I've split the problem in two, and worked on one half of it; I've convinced myself intellectually that it's ok for others to have and express emotions, but on the values side I'm still judging them harshly (because I see it as bad/wrong/weak for them to not have better control of themselves). I'm open to any tips anyone might have for working on the values side of it.

[@MessiahRamsay]

How long do these heightened states of dysregulation typically last? I’m asking bc I’ve gone through phases of desperately feeling the need to quit my job and cut myself out to feel safe.

[@johanneshalberstadt3663]

Hi, following psychology graduate here, though, not a therapist and I didn't learn too much about attachment. I'd like to ask you, if it is possible to have certain attachment style around certain topics or life domains? A lot of what you are talking about as making up a certain attachment style are behavioral or experiential patterns in response to conflicts. Is it possible to "be avoidant" around conflicts tief to certain tobic or life domains and show a different, maybe anxious or maybe eben secret attachment style in other life context. Would that be a mixed attachment style?

[@mtc-j9i]

Very helpful! I thought the length of this was perfect. Not too long and not too short. Able to. Go in depth but not so much that my mind wandered! Love it!

[@annemarrie3895]

Thank you for finally doing this video Heidi 🌞 I wish I could have gone deeper

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

Other people's emotions still scare me, but I consciously make a choice not to judge them. I know that anger is not about them, but about the circumstances that caused me (and my ancestors before me) to not feel safe having emotions. I used to sit in front of someone in class, who breathed audibly, and my nervous system was like "is that a sigh? potential annoyance that requires my attention" and then "is that laboured breathing? an acute problem that needs my attention?" I figured out what was going on within me (obviously, it had nothing to do with her), but I still started sitting in a different seat so that I could pay attention to the professor. Oh, and the whole while, I was worried that this breathing woman would somehow pick up on my annoyance or worry about my choice to sit somewhere else. It's exhausting to have this attachment style.

[@esay3334]

your videos have too many ads. i really love the content of your videos and find you often word things so perfectly and i enter this deep self reflective moment and then pops an ad. so triggering and disruptive. this happens multiple times per video. it’s actually really frustrating. so as a fan of your work, i understand you need to make money from your videos for all the effort you put in, but care for us experiencing your videos in the moment as well please. many times I have had to stop watching your video because of how disorientating and anxiety inducing it is anticipating an ad. there was one about a horror movie!!!

[@whiggygirl]

This is an excellent video, but watching it has also made me realise that I'm nowhere near healing 😢😢

[@guttercherry6507]

It’s not about feeling like a 2 yer old and if you can’t have a toy then they can’t have a toy. It’s exactly like if you don’t shut up right now, you are going to get killed.

[@JordanGray-j4n]

Hi Heidi, do you have any workbooks or suggested best resources for healing from this?

[@mariab.gonzalez6130]

Thank you. I need more resources for healing. Where I can find it?

[@marjolijndijksterhuis6223]

Your work is hugely helpful to me - thank you for all the time and effort you put in. Because your talks are so rich, a slightly slower pace would allow me to take in more 😅

[@jimcarnicle3560]

The book "the mental game of poker" explains unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence. Great book.

[@oreokid77]

Screw shorter videos😂😂 I will send u a Starbucks card for a 1hr episode series

[@erica2857]

I’d say I am almost at the first sign. I am 2,5 years in therapy and I still struggle a lot. How long did it take for y’all to heal?

[@dominicrozell6835]

The last one is something I noticed today, a girl that I had a fling with is connecting really well with a new guy and I had that same feeling of if I can’t have you no one can kind of thing

[@anitayougotit885]

It is sooo fascinating that I got into that topic, that you talk about! It is soooo fascinating because I find myself partly in the fearful avoidant attachment style. And I always thought, ok I just trust my intuition, when I feel soo good to finally break up and go my own way. I always felt so free and myself and thought, well I am free that makes so much sense, I love to be free and do what I want. But also I questioned myself, what is going on in my subconcious that I make exact these decisions now. And I thought, I just have no idea, something might be going on, but I just have nooo access but someday I might find out. And now I feel like I'm slowly finding that out. OMG. That's such a big thing, that there are theories to my experiences, not just my strange inner experience all the time that I'm confronted with and just trying to work with it in the quiet and thinking thats just who I am. Wow wow wow

[@Madamekittylein]

That sounds a lot like what I thought. I was aware that I hold trauma, but I couldn't say which attachment style I was. In this video I recognized the "I am bad, others are bad" thing, and the disorienting feeling, not to know what to do. I usually tried to ignore that I felt very stressed, because I couldn't handle it. Until to a point where I started to numb out. I'm still confused, but I think I get somewhere bit by bit.

[@anitayougotit885]

@@Madamekittylein So special. Yes it’s so interesting. 🙏🏼 Thank you for sharing. Ja, I have a feeling, the best I can do is just let it come, let process, let it be there, observer and things will unfold at the right timing.

[@angeliahamilton6773]

Ive learned so much from this video. Thank you

[@exacto0]

recently went into fight or flight and noticed that with someone who i think has an anxious attachment style but its surprising I am recognizing what went wrong for me and why i needed space so desperately

[@natalieking6552]

A aha moment was the third sign realising why I feel resentful when others are in victim mentality and or displaying emotions because my early template said it wasn’t okay I can now when I notice myself feeling this way in response to another is quietly in my mind that this presentation is not about me and stay compassionate that it there own stuff and not judge or criticise

[@hannahhubert2257]

after learning about intimacy scarcity from you and paying more attention to the feelings than the thoughts/logic when triggered my relationships & regulation dramatically improved

[@frederickhartray8364]

You do like your words, as you say, but one of the things I like about your videos is that you do not repeat yourself.

[@louisebissonnette4872]

Please speak more slowly as it would help a lot to better understand the concepts you are explaining

[@MarkJones-cj9wk]

Thank you so much heidi 🌹❤im beginning to heal

[@anzarre]

I needed this today, thanks Heidi, this was awesome.

[@Jazzmine96]

The actions you take are indicative of who you are as a human being

[@ruthwestmoreland6749]

What if me having more patience with my partner’s emotions is just me placating her? I’m so avoidant that I’m not sure if I can trust myself that I am growing.

[@ZiliaVing]

I love your longer videos. You are sooo intelligent and have so much insights to share...!! 🥰 I can't get enough.

[@JDaGoat]

How do I know when i’m in a calm state and not making rash decisions?

[@satu4387]

Thank you so much for the information on your channel. You communicate so well!! Your category of ‘I’m not okay, you are not okay’ is a great reminder to go back to books I read some 15 years ago: ‘I’m okay, You’re okay’ as well as ‘Staying ok’ by Harris and Harris. They were useful then and I believe now🙏🏻💛💫