Avoidant breadcrumbing is validation seeking

[@BruceJC75]

I can hardly go a day without thinking about her. It’s truly insane that it’s even possible to hurt this bad. Even with all the research and understanding of why she would throw away something good, and all the half baked coping mechanisms, nothing helps.

[@walkertranger5746]

Right there with you ! All the lies from her …. I love you so much Don’t leave me Don’t go Why do you love me I’m not worthy I can’t believe I fell for her and gave her my heart for 8 years , then poof she went ghost . I’ve never been in so much pain

[@nuninuninu5095]

As a woman who is secure attached, I have seen men hurt over women who are broken, especially when you've done all you can, used all your tools, understand this, YOU are what's keeping her broken... I'm not saying she deserves a bad man, but she isn't ready for a good one. You tried, it didn't work. Heal yourself for about a year and build yourself back up. Then date again. During that year make sure you understand why you may have been attracted to her. Did you feel sorry for her? Did you want to heal her from another man? Try not to do that again, lol. I hope I'm not making light because I don't know the whole story. Make sure you're healed from this first, though, because some people take it out on the next person. Take care and be well. As for her, she may need a different type of man. Not physically abusive but some women gravitate towards A type butthole, arrogant men. I don't care for them, but I've seen some women thrive with men like that. That's what they really mean when they say you're too good. I hope this helps some.

[@allison8331]

I hear you ~ I’m going through the exact same emotions 😞

[@frenchie4882]

These types of people are so incredibly selfish there isn’t room in their world for anyone else.

[@shadowsbruther]

Yes

[@nuninuninu5095]

Avoidant = covert narcissist. How they effect others is the same results.

[@fantazm79]

Don't know if my ex is an avoidant or covert narcissist, but I don't it really matters

[@tredd9019]

​@@fantazm79​ only if you need to understand all the intracacies like a lot of us do.

[@phyllAgud]

@@nuninuninu5095 exactly

[@anothercat9600]

Just ask them out by text "I'd like to have a coffee with you" and then only answer date planning, time planning texts, no other text. They will send some texts first, maybe some photos, etc. Then watch the avoidant start asking you to meet. Let the avoidant do all the planning, don't help. Then don't confirm the date the day before. Let the avoidant do everything.

[@Ahicksaf]

My ex breadcrumbed me for 4 month. I set a boundary and 2 month later she still contacted me to send a me a funny video. She ended things out of the blue too, and always told me I love u but that she has a lot of doubts and that I loved her unconditionally and she can't do the same thing for me

[@DZ-jz8bj]

I wish more people talked about this. I can barely find something about avoidants admiration seeking behavior, or validation seeking. And yet my experiences with avoidants felt totally like they were just performing, being witty, funny, flirting, charming, etc. showing off their best behavior, their intelligence, saying how they are autodidactive and so on, as if they wanted to be percieved by the other person as amazing. And only after they are percieved that way, as someone special or amazing, thats when they move onto another person to see them as special / amazing too. Only when I got hurt and started to think about this avoidant as about someone bad / thinking less of them - only then they reached out back to me! This is crazy.... I just need to be reassured I am not the only one sensing that they are seeking the ego boost / ego stroke. Can someone confirm this too? Because people describe them as those who crave connection but want to be independent and so on. But I sense they only wants the validation and people to think the best about them. When I got lately hurt by one, it turned me into avoidant - I think I mirrored what he is. And another thing, when I got hurt and stated that I am hurt by this and this, he instead of understanding my emotions, were like defending himself and kept painting himself in a good light as empathetic person and so on and I remember I was like "what?" in my mind. Like I only expressed I am hurt, I wasnt painting him in bad way or cricising him. He kept messaging me several time after I said I need pause. And when I started to see him as amzing person again, he messaged me less often..... geez

[@spiritwanderer777]

i did ghost my ex, I want nothing to do with someone who gave me so many stonewall and silent treatments and in the end showed zero empathy and even resorted to cheating. ghosting is what she deserves.

[@pdubs1408]

Well congratulations on stooping down to their level of childish self centered behaviors vs be mature and the bigger person.

[@spiritwanderer777]

@@pdubs1408 I disagree. I did what I had to do to gain peace. I tried talking to them before ghosting but was met with unpleasant hostily and hurtful words. Sometimes ghosting is necessary. Besides we had a verbal agreement that if things went south one more time I would just disappear, so don't be so quick with the judgment before you know someone's full story. I wrote a short but heartfelt goodbye, that's the best I was able to do.

[@1968chooch]

@pdubs....congratulations for kicking someone down who's obviously hurt from the abuse. Of course he's fed up and the anger probably helped him move on. If your head wasn't so far up your ass you would've probably realized that

[@thendebele]

@@spiritwanderer777You did well… just did that right now. Texted them goodbye and blocked… Let them feel avoided and take it from there 😅

[@Jdotrhh]

@@pdubs1408why leave a line of communication open to someone who discarded you? at some point you have to consider yourself and that’s not wrong- your comment is ridiculous. So you kiss @$$ and beg?

[@Antaeres]

It's true ro a degree. As a healing FA (Mostly secure and some anxious) I didn't treat people like that, I know what it's like to feel like an option. It's harder to show up in certain ways, yes. But I think the baseline difference is when people are selfish and immature, they don't respect people. Vs, people who are genuinely suffering and are going through whatever it is / are learning to change it. Communication is everything.

[@user-wr3gy7el2h]

Thank You for creating this channel!!!!!! 👍👍👏🏻❤️

[@fantazm79]

She is blocked in all social media. The bridge back to me has been burned

[@kenatinl]

Your sharing of this information is always right on. It is so hard and a lot of work and learning about each other properly. Thank you

[@gstar1229]

Thankyou for your channel. I love your videos..so good.❤

[@wrotenwasp]

I swear you must have met and interviewed my avoidant friend Cathy from Michigan. Damn, I knew that something was off, way different with this girl compared to normal girls and to make it worse, I was recently divorced just 4 months prior (back in 2005) and she had been divorced for TEN years . Still hadn't met the "perfect guy that can communicate with me and make me feel safe" yet.That should have been my cue plus a failed marriage plus a dysfunctional, abusive childhood. If only I could have put this all together in the first 6 months or less. I needed a good kick in the butt back then and it would have saved me a lot of time and grief.

[@AlienatedArtist941]

Excellent 👏🏻 an avoidant has a book that I lent him, he won't give it back apparently...

[@shadowsbruther]

They gotta keep that door open. It’s their book now. Put it out of your mind 👍🏼

[@ButterCookie1984]

Gurl, buy another book.❤

[@1224polo]

She discarded me after a two years like a trash blaiming me for everything using absurd, not true and ridicolous reasons. She even accused me for flirting and texting with my female friends who i know 20 years and they are married 🤦🏻‍♂️🙆🏻‍♂️ How i should respond if she will reach out to me saying "hello"?? Ignore it and don't respond for breadcrumbs?

[@mina77sp]

I just came across your comment here. I got discarded for god knows how many times and the last one 6 weeks ago. DO not reach out. Do not. No matter how hard. If she contacts you, be polite. That’s all. Let her lead the conversation. Do not give away your personal life and tell her how you truly feel, even if you want her back. Let her tell you what are her reasons for reaching out. Let her do the talking. Stay polite, true to your self. Keep remembering all the shitty moments you had after break up. See where is she coming from. Maybe she just wants to be friends. Maybe she is checking out to see if you’re single. Which means nothing. Them wanting to get back DOES NOT mean accountability or that they have done any self work. Ask yourself if you really want to be on the same rollercoaster again. Unless they are actively engaging in healing and therapy…. Keep your head up and know your worth.

[@1224polo]

@@mina77sp I will not text her first. Not a hope! I don't want her back. I would not be able to trust her again even if she will do 100 sessions of therapy. I will not be going through her discard again however she is still in my head and god only knows why after all this what she did to me. This is fucked up. If she will reach out I think I will just text her "fuck off" and that's it. What is the point to say anything to her? She will not understand anything. She has no clue that she is avoidant and she needs therapy. I was telling her this many times.

[@ketobodybuilder2482]

She said she wanted to talk serious but only wanted validation. Its about to be for good now.

[@dennisassini-pw2ic]

Possibly back to the streets for her!

[@CarolinaMonge-jq6kb]

Thank you! You are very clear explaining

[@mookeystinks190]

Mine is still married and won’t make it clear what they want. Today is a concert for my favorite band. Last year he broke up with me right before this and I had to go alone. It was very painful. I tried moving on. Still not quite there after a year. But when I reminded him a thousand times this was coming up and I invited him he waited until the last minute and it is pretty clear he wants to just drag me along for validation but not change in any way. So he failed the test and I really don’t want to be someone’s second option. I’m worth more than that.

[@ButterCookie1984]

Still married to who- you?

[@mookeystinks190]

@@ButterCookie1984 no. He lied and said they were separated. For a year. Then told me casually after sending a picture of himself dressed up at a fancy restaurant while I was at work. I said you’re not getting divorced are you and instead of apologizing he said it figured I’d bitch at him and I pretty much got the reality check slapped in my face. He dumped me after making me get an abortion. I’m still traumatized but healing from his selfishness.

[@ButterCookie1984]

​@@mookeystinks190OMG. Leave and never look back. NEVER. He is getting his ego boosted by you and your availability. Deflate his ego by walking away, no response, no explanation. Silence is hell to them. Trust me.

[@tabarnakopoulos]

3 months + since discard day. I never gave her the news she had wanted me to give her about my new position at my workplace. I never accepted her friendship offer, and I never contacted her. I still haven't got any form of news or manifestation from her. I miss her a great deal. But she hurt me so much that I don't want any contact with her... yet... or maybe ever? Mainly, I'm doing great. But some days, I feel like a ship without its sail... lost at sea..

[@AlienatedArtist941]

1 month + here.... I feel the same you said

[@estherlongmore9443]

This is good info. Thanks. What would you suggest to me to do/say if he does come back? I still love him and DO want him back, but I would set specific boundaries and expectations. If he tells me he misses me, how can I best reply without enabling his avoidant tendencies?

[@phyllAgud]

Please don’t take them back They will pretend to be secure And then discard when they get overwhelmed. Do yourself a favor. I have been there and I don’t wish that for you

[@MzEbbyFrost]

I NEEDED to hear this today! I know better but keep falling for his damn crumbs making it hard for me to move on😖 we still haven’t seen each other after our blow up even though he agreed to but the part that blows my mind is that he’s been randomly sending me pics of himself lately and I’m trying to understand what’s the reason. We aren’t friends on social media so I guess he just wants my attention and validation but won’t meet up.. we literally live a few blocks from one another. It’s weird and annoying

[@guywithahelmet9597]

After 3 months it must be a famine. Haven’t gotten any breadcrumbs 😂 let’s goooooo

[@shadowsbruther]

Odd comment

[@knitnpaint]

What do you suggest I say in response to obvious breadcrums?

[@OiVinn-eq1ml]

I just said “Who’s this” the next morning after they called & texted me in the middle of the night

[@alirh1145]

Thank you somuch this is really helpful

[@natalieblagrove9292]

What should we do to make them step up to their games. You said don’t ghost them but how could one protect oneself for those silly behaviors.

[@walkertranger5746]

No contact

[@juliegaudet7816]

Mine was scared that he would lose me forever. He thought I was involved with someone else, but I wasn't. I was just taking care of me and finding my own joy. I Def went No Contact. I shut the door and let him run to his toxic ex-girlfriend. He even married her but quickly found out that he had made a huge mistake letting me go. The "marriage" lasted a few months and it was over. He finally learned his lesson. His fear of loss won out over all the other fears. I'm here just trying to make sense of it all. We are together and it's a work in progress. I'm hoping with this new info and understanding that things can finally move forward. Work on you and put up boundaries for yourself.

[@natalieblagrove9292]

@@walkertranger5746 I went no contact for a couple of months now but I feel in my spirit that he will come back and I want to know exactly what to do.

[@matteorayner4273]

Goddamn it I just took the bait. Not falling for that one again.

[@CabeloemOvo]

There was a person using your videos and asking money for psychic readings

[@CoachRyanH]

There’s unfortunately some scammers out there that do that. I’d never message anyone offering a psychic reading!

[@CabeloemOvo]

@@CoachRyanH it happened in tiktok, keep your eye there

[@GesuHeche-fv4hx]

What if he sends kiss emojis, but doesn't seem to want to bring up discard. What's the psychology behind that

[@a.d.b535]

Sounds like he's trying to bait you to respond to him though he's done nothing to say he wants you back. It'd reassure him that you're still there while he's doing nothing to apologize or work to win you back. A true change is for him to apologize and let you know how he's going to work on the relationship.

[@Cfty111]

My FA ex is exactly like what the coach say… Recently i think he is dating his ex again who he claimed to have cheated on him. I realised that he did the breadcrumbs to me in the same timeline he reached out to his ex… i think his anxious side triggered and he wanted to seek validation from me or his ex and see who gave him response. Two weeks ago i put a shared google location list private and probably he saw it immediately blocked me on facebook ( while we no longer friends there and i cannot see any of his updates) I dont know is he angry i may not be an available option soon?

[@a.d.b535]

My DA was timing his other ex's response and would likewise give me more or less, depending. I'm so disgusted being used in this way. He discarded me recently then ran into me 3 weeks later and asked how I'm doing. I said fine and walked on. He doesn't deserve my time, my presence. He can reach out with real measures if he's serious. Anything short of that is bullshit.

[@phyllAgud]

@@a.d.b535please move on He won’t change, he will pretend Very low self esteemed individuals and selfish