AVOIDANT BREAKUP RECOVERY: EGO DEATH

Рет қаралды 5,265

Күн бұрын

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@amberjackson9661 7 күн бұрын

I can’t stop watching your videos. Love how you do not answer just yes or no to questions people ask. you answer it and then provide detailed information. Appreciate the time and care. Looking to anything to help get me through this time.

@samyb2834 Ай бұрын

Yeah, only time and complete no-contact help you heal from these experiences. It's been 2 years and 8 months for since the discard and I'm finally in a good place. Took me forever to understand that there's nothing I could have done to save this relationship. It was doomed from the start. You can not have a fullfilling relationship with someone who self sabotage when intimacy starts to build. Impossible to be with someone who's incapable of communicating like an adult. Once you get out of the fog, you start to feel sad for these people. They are prisoners of their own fears. They are terrified of vulnerability and therefore true love. Imagine living your life like that?

@msdreamliner787 Ай бұрын

they look happy

@samyb2834 Ай бұрын

@@msdreamliner787 Trust me, they are not. Happy people don't behave this way.

@msdreamliner787 Ай бұрын

@@samyb2834have you met my ex? You’d change your mind. He’s the definition of dimissive avoidant, perfectly capable of going from a deeply meaningful long relationship to walking out the door, to start up a podcast about how happy he is

@jimbowen423 Ай бұрын

Great comments. I am coming through this right now. 5 months from initial discard and mostly no contact with intermittent bread crumbing and kissing liaisons inbetween. It's confusing, hurtful, painful and so difficult to get over but Im heading in that direction. Time helps soften the pain and the rumination dies off

@msdreamliner787 Ай бұрын

@@jimbowen423 same! 5 months since discard, some crumbs here and there but no empathy, accountability, responsibility, just gone wooosh

@bebbomon6036 Ай бұрын

"There's no UFO that goes around, picks them up and puts them straight into therapy just yet" had me cracking up 😂😂 Thanks Ken you're really saving me day after day with this messy situation

@ichadestriany9883 Ай бұрын

Hi Ken, thank you so much for explaning this, you slap my ego. I'm better after watching your video. As an anxious attacher, this is a terrible experience for me. She said i didnt do anything wrong and in fact I'm good but she left anyway. She said she just doesnt feel love anymore and I couldnt comprehend it with all the love i gave to her. it's been 3 months since she discarded me abruptly without communicating it beforehand. She jumped to a new relationship so easily while I'm still processing the pain. I think I'm handling it better now. I'm angry at her but I will try to see my worth too. As of today, i said yes meeting new people and I hope I finally find someone who is emotionally available for me.

@isabelbyersschoolofspeecha6030 Ай бұрын

Topic ideas: Why can’t the avoidant repair conflict with you? Why is the avoidant committed to their narrative of why the relationship ended?

@meilei8716 28 күн бұрын

I’m learning a lot about attachment theory because I was with someone like that for 10 years and it never changed but I couldn’t leave also. There’s this idea that it’s a trauma response. They learned an early childhood because their parents didn’t see them adequately. They believe it’s Safer to never allow themselves to be vulnerable. The more that response is threatened with healthy request for some sort of more open dialogue the faster you plummet to the end.

@Mudpuppyjunior 10 күн бұрын

FAs and DAs are motivated by two things that stem from their feelings of worthlessness; shame and fear which are not dissimilar. Those motives are too powerful for them to just work away very easily. It's not a narrative to them. It's their identity. It feels impossible to change so they take the easy way out and run.

@SB4E.2 Күн бұрын

They are so full of fear. Not feeling that fear seems to be more important than feeling love… that’s my take. And that’s really sad. For them.

@xxxxbuddhaxx7xx Ай бұрын

Ken, you understand this topic so well. Your content is always so helpful and grounding - thank you!

@BonkaMoira Ай бұрын

About ego death: I didn't felt that I'm unlovable or flawed or did something wrong that led him to deactivate. I *know* that it's his loss, not mine. By the time I decided to make an ultimatum and/or break up with him I have already did my research and knew what am I facing with. It doesn't mean it was easy, it was fkn painful and destroying experience, I was going through Hell. The oxytocine withdrawal made me borderline depressed with thoughts of d*ath. I felt a void that couldn't be replaced ever again. In the meantime I did beat myself up because how on Earth could I have been soo stupid and delusional. Forgiving myself was harder than forgive to him. Then finally the purifying anger phase came, it was liberating. It took me 6-8 months to get over it but at the wnd I have found a new me. This experience was truly a lesson about myself.

@marguskiis7711 Ай бұрын

I am in anger phase and it is destroying me.

@slinkified 29 күн бұрын

Yes, you totally get it / it’s the oxytocin withdrawal. Ken is very helpful but not many of these coaches talk about the chemical effects. The bottom line is that we got plenty of red flags about these avoidants but we were too attracted to them and chemically attracted to them by this point. Sex messes your head up to see straight.

@SB4E.2 Күн бұрын

Well stated!!! Very!

@BonkaMoira Күн бұрын

@@marguskiis7711 eventually it will build you back. The anger will go away too, I promise

@IanuaDiaboli Ай бұрын

I beat myself up the whole relationship, but for the wrong things. The ego death I experienced demolished me, but I recovered a lot. Today it’s 3 months. I am content with the situation, but I won’t allow anyone anymore to walk over me again.

@marguskiis7711 Ай бұрын

Its getting worse.

@skromnyasha 28 күн бұрын

Me reading this on my 9 month and only recently started to coming out of numbness and pain, I'm glad people able to process this faster because I have wasted so much of my time I feel like, it was hell.. and still, I don't think I'm over, I think I'm in my depression stage

@IanuaDiaboli 28 күн бұрын

@@skromnyasha don’t worry, tonight I am pretty depressed. It gets me in waves. Some days it’s better, some days it’s worse.

@marguskiis7711 28 күн бұрын

@@skromnyasha i believe

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

@@skromnyashamine texted me after 6 months of ghosting me and all my severe pain vanished all of a sudden .. I cried so much ..he nearly destroyed me ..but when he reached out my pain and hurt were gone

@skromnyasha Ай бұрын

My suggestion would be how to survive the discard when you have cptsd and not go crazy existing and knowing that person that you shared so many intimate moments will do them with someone else. For me it's the most painful reality that I can't really know how to live through

@SherriFlemming 22 күн бұрын

Everyone has the right to breakup with someone. Relationships end due to misalignments and dealbreakers. They will be no different with the next person. Rejection is protection. Breaking the cycle is what counts. Complex PTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer CPTSD PTSD Dissociation And Trauma Bonding - Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 From Self Love To Self Healing - Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Take Back Your Life Own It - Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️

@skromnyasha 17 күн бұрын

@@SherriFlemmingso I can just go around and make other people miserable just because I can? This concept hurts me more then break up itself and makes me wanna never open up to relationship again. What's the point if people can just leave as they please like I'm some temporary thing for them. It doesn't sit right with me and I can't accept it. There is something missing with that statement, I have already lived through hell in my childhood and know how people are, I have accepted a lot of awful and traumatic things that happened to me but this is killing me, how can I gave my last hope of happiness and just accept that the closest person can just smash it as they please? I don't want a relationship where a person come in and thinking of breaking up, don't come in at all then.

@SherriFlemming 17 күн бұрын

@@skromnyasha I hear you. Do you have a support system, a therapist, someone you who knows you or that you trust that can be there for you? Ken has great videos re healing and on breakups. The antidote to suffering and pain is self respect and self love. ♥️ 🤗

@sherrymcdonald6594 Ай бұрын

Ken, you always seem to post a video about a topic that helps me 5 months after a break up with someone I believe to be an avoidant. You really helped me when you said that someone who does not that into you will not do these certain things. I just saw a short where a woman was saying if he tells you that he's not ready for a relationship which was one of the things my ex told me it's just that he does not want a relationship with you. He had told me that he had a type, he made talked about us going places, at one time he mentioned that he wanted me to meet his family I just could not understand how he did not have real feeling for me. I'm trying to get over it but I feel like he was special and I just miss him I don't know if anyone will ever make me feel the same.

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

Who says he did not have real feelings for you?

@dfateekh 29 күн бұрын

Thanks a bunch, Ken! This is helpful - I really like the part of black and white thinking - we should not blame only ourselves, or judge ourselves - like we are 100% was not enough, likable, guilty for everything And, I also appreciate the part about the revenge and anger ❤

@ajmosutra7667 Ай бұрын

i came so fast lol. at this point yours is a tv channel for me

@desertdog8006 Ай бұрын

Absolute golden content that had been overlooked. Transformative and insightful . Thank you Ken

@marguskiis7711 Ай бұрын

He gives pointless advices.

@slinkified 29 күн бұрын

Hey skeleton man, you’re such a Debbie Downer. I see you lurking all around these sites with your two bit quips. I get that you’re still crushed but you really need to grow a pair!

@susiesunshine1969 Ай бұрын

You’re describing me perfectly! This video was created for me thank you!❤❤❤

@vilmavaitieke7934 Ай бұрын

those birds :D They took over all the attention :D Thats lovely

@jdprettynails Ай бұрын

Oh they absolutely will remember you. My avoidant has contacted me twice now, it hasn’t even been a year since he discarded me.

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

Yes they remember you ..mine reached out after 6 months and told me he already wanted to contact me after 4 months

@HotRodHarley06 Ай бұрын

I look at it like in that moment they meant what they said. Understand that it's all fluid.

@riverbilly64 28 күн бұрын

I think they just tell you what you want to hear, to save themselves hassle.

@mollymole7 Ай бұрын

He idealized me for months, after a couple of dates he wasn’t able to tell me he wasn’t attracted to me. He caught a cold and made vague posts on social media of how this was due to the fact that he was forcing himself to spend time with me and kiss me. From my biggest confident he completely flipped and became a cold stranger who was breadcrumbing me with dry and disinterested messages who came up with some mistrious phisical illness every Friday so that he had an excuse not to see me on the weekend. When I told him that this behavior was unacceptable he first told me covid made him tired and lazy (but liking every pic of every half naked woman on the internet), then blamed it on depression, but when I left him for good he made a fuss about it and told everyone that he was just determined to make work something that wasn’t a good match for him after all. Now he’s playing the victim on social media, even expressing remorse and nostalgia. He didn’t have the decency to treat me with consideration even if he didn’t like me. He’s 40 and goes to therapy. Yes, it’s a punch to the ego, but also quite disturbing.

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

Very disturbung ...crazy ..not normal avoidant behaviour..I am sorry you had to go through it ..did you love him? Are you still hurting?

@mollymole7 15 күн бұрын

@ I’m fine now. It was casual dating and texting

@umw569 24 күн бұрын

Topic idea: arrested development in avoidants, connected to lack of accountability as well as childish or reckless behavior

@TS-zl7wl Ай бұрын

Great talk, thank you. Loved the gentle whipping to do some self-reflection.

@inquisitivewanderer2536 Ай бұрын

Priceless information. Thank you.

@GesuHeche-fv4hx Ай бұрын

Great video, Ken! You unpackaged a lot here

@Justme1973 Ай бұрын

I’m 11 weeks out since the love of my life ended it without any closure and then blocked me everywhere. The day after we were choosing a new house, and after we’d decided to start a family. I’m not perfect as I was feeling a little insecure a couple of times inside me towards the end as I could feel her pushing away for a half/ day a few times when we were doing great, but was always close and loving afterwards. I just couldn’t understand it, and honestly I’m pretty heartbroken. How can someone just disappear when we seemed happy and where building a life. I believe I’ve learnt about fearful avoidant since then, I know I wasn’t perfect but I feel like Im sort of monster who she had to run away from…I’ll still never get my head around it..

@marguskiis7711 Ай бұрын

I know what you feel. They are so evil.

@RainFall-wz2yp Ай бұрын

10. Trying desperately to understand how I was "friends" with people I loathe and despise, and how I thought that was normal... 11. How on earth will I ever heal from the ceaseless life-long rage?

@ronaleitanedo6131 Ай бұрын

Please do a video about avoidant attachment in the queer community and how to navigate the guilt after leaving a dismissive avoidant. Thank you so much for your work. You bring clarity to a lot of people. ❤

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

Thank you Ken ❤

@Pinchofpunch Ай бұрын

Something was off for a long time and I could tell they weren’t being honest. My ex bought a journal and started writing in that about us instead of talking to ME about it. We were looking at houses and I could tell something was off and I started unraveling and lashing out. It’s so hard to let go because I was the one who was nudge nudge nudging until eventually she broke and wanted to leave. Obviously I can’t bring this into the next relationship, but I feel completely exiled from the friend group as well and I can’t go back.

@Christina-yr1ru 10 күн бұрын

10:20 this was mind blowing 🤯

@ellie9217 27 күн бұрын

Topic idea: when fearful avoidants break up with you, claiming they need to be alone to work on their issues…is this legitimate or just more avoidant behaviour? Do they ever stick around in the relationship while they work on their issues? Is there an advisable choice between these two options?

@marguskiis7711 Ай бұрын

Again the absurd "You feel and think wrong way. Don't think so!"

@tarkov_6 Ай бұрын

selfish through and through. Use you during the relationship, use you to justify breaking the relationship, then use their image of you after the relationship

@skromnyasha 28 күн бұрын

And then using a picture I have taken of him on the dating profile 💀

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

@@skromnyasha 😢 horrible icecold heartless people they are

@denisek3276 Ай бұрын

Thank you Ken 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

@christinehowarth5763 Ай бұрын

You done good again Ken . Thankyou!

@Mudpuppyjunior 10 күн бұрын

In my case, I believe I'm the best guy she ever met and she was an idiot to discard, especially since she went back to a real dumbass of an ex. She was the problem. Not me. But having that knowledge doesn't make it any easier because we were so great together before she deactivated. She even started therapy at my request and stuck with it for 8 months but in the end still monkeybranched because she's such a train wreck. But she was my train wreck and had she only stuck it out long enough would have healed. Knowing I'm a great guy doesn't help dealing with the loss of her potential. The real her was a mess but she was on the course to change the real her into something amazing but chickened out and ran. That's a hard nut to crack.

@OnMyGrindNowForever Ай бұрын

Thing is I will never know if he just lost interest or he was an avoidant. It would be easy for me to move on if I knew for sure that it was the latter. But without hearing from the horses mouth, it's all just a guess really.

@jimbowen423 24 күн бұрын

Great video

@AnneMandry Ай бұрын

New title: the Kookaburra episode!

@BonkaMoira Ай бұрын

About being neurospicy and attachment style in my experience: my ex ex is hardcore ADHD, I have ADHD and we were together 20+ years in which we showed up secure. My avoidant ex said he has ADHD and it adds up, he has. We are on good terms with my ex ex while the avoidant banished me after I broke up with him. (Oh the rage he was presenting when he lost the control, it was frightening, like I see a total different person.)

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

I wanted his confirmation that he loved me ..I am secure. 🙃

@inquisitivewanderer2536 Ай бұрын

Topic request: where to start with inner child work

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

You don't always need inner child work..secure people usually do not have childhood issues

@Fkzion111 21 күн бұрын

Do anyone have advice on how to move on from the avoidant when you also are co-workers? I try to keep distance but it’s impossible not to run into each other every now and then. I was the one who ended the relationship due to his fear of commitment. My mental health really suffered after staying in that situation with him for 8 months. So I decided to leave.

@cococaptivating7611 Ай бұрын

I’d like to understand how it affects a serious fearful avoidant that leans heavily toward dismissive avoidant when their Mother is married to a violent philandering NPD alcoholic (their father) and uses them as a child to be her confidant.

@marguskiis7711 Ай бұрын

After that disaster you jusr can NOT trust anybody. Until the end of your life.

@slinkified 29 күн бұрын

What the hell are you talking about skeleton man

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

True 💯

@jamesbondinspector Ай бұрын

Love your content Ken! Thank you!

@ajmosutra7667 Ай бұрын

could you do a video about avoidant lying? it seems to me like they dont remember well what they did or said that which crosses boundries or simly imitate what another person is saying to simply people please.

@coping_in_copeland_coper Ай бұрын

they absolutely do that in the form of having no accountability, as if they never said something, did something or promised something. Or, they rationalise it away using the lamest of excuses.

@ritapeters1330 15 күн бұрын

They don't remember ..they really don't

@autumnrivermoon 27 күн бұрын

Thank you 🙏

@Cactuscupholder Ай бұрын

I can't tell if mine was a blindside or not? Like I knew we were butting heads but at the same time I got the "we're just not compatible", and I didn't realise he was at that point.....

@xxxxbuddhaxx7xx Ай бұрын

You never know when they're at that point lmao

@tinalu4695 29 күн бұрын

Concerning neurodivergence and attachment I came to the understanding that it’s two different things that often coexist. They concern different areas, circuits and neurochemicals in the brain and their formations or impair there of in the early development. ADHD concerns the executive functions in the prefrontal cortex and an imbalance of dopamine mainly while attachment is concerned with the bonding system and it’s related brain centers and chemicals. As both irregularities mostly stem from stressors in early development they often occur simultaneously which can lead to the impression that they are the same or cause one another. But they can also occur independently from eachother, for example ADHD can result from a stressfull environment of some sort in the forming years while at the same time the bonding system did get enough nurturing to develop fairly adequately. Of course for both there are numerous different possible causes and circumstances. But I do think it’s important to look at them as two different things.