WHAT IS FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT/ DISORGANISED ATTACHMENT?

Join me as I describe disorganised attachment. #avoidantattachment #anxiousattachment #secureattachment
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Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.

[@jellosapiens7261]

"You need to work on that in therapy" is SUCH a common line in FA's; to view it charitably, they are hypervigilant and get activated in response to anything that they see as an early sign of the trauma they've been through. To view it LESS charitably, they take no accountability for their actions and foist all the hard emotional work onto their secure/anxious partner. This is especially common in FA's with a lack of self-awareness; my FA ex constantly framed everything as my problem even as she mistreated me and violated my boundaries repeatedly.

[@maxitaxiish]

Ken , out of all therapists I’ve listened to on either KZbin or face to face psychotherapy, I’ve never heard someone so eloquently, intelligently describe the characteristics of these attachment styles. I’m 43 years old and about to give nursing away which I have done for 20 years. I’m hoping to study psychology and if I can adopt your style of educational development I’d be very happy with myself. Keep up the good work mate 🙏🏼

[@vv.8927]

I just love your approach- you hit so many points, without going in circles or leading into “selling” us Really appreciate you 🙏🏼

[@flower_7890]

Me ( fa) I was dating dismissive avoidant in the past😬 I left because I was fed up with their cold approach, lack of emotional connection, enthusiasm...I was back and forth with them but at some point I was like " nah it's too much work and nothing in return "...it was very traumatising and since then I've started to work on myself so I'm actually grateful for this experience 👍 I've been the worst version of myself back then , I cringe every time I think about how I acted, how emotionally disregulated I felt, how mean I was🙊. This person triggered me like no-one in my life before😮 but I don't blame them.

[@ironcupcake75]

This is me and I had no idea. Im an FA, I’ve only known for a few months and I left my ex DA for the exact reasons you said. So unbelievably dysregulated while with this person, not the whole time but when I kept trying to bring him closer to me and he wouldn’t. A life learning experience that broke me.

[@rosemary_of_aragon]

@@ironcupcake75 Same shit experience here. Glad I’m not alone. I was left emotionally scarred from a DA through his mind games, inconsistency, manipulations, and brutal betrayal.

[@ironcupcake75]

@@rosemary_of_aragon sorry to hear ❤️‍🩹 do you feel better now? Not as dysregulated or anxious? Or sad?

[@rosemary_of_aragon]

@@ironcupcake75 I feel SO much better!! It’s been 6 years of heartache but I’ve healed immensely. Thank you for asking. I’m wishing you the same healing 💝

[@wizardofaus2985]

This is me. I'm exhausted. I've had a history of relationships marred by unfaithful partners and have no trust. A DA marriage has been the worst.

[@no_more_free_nicks]

Finally you provided examples on how the therapy looks like.

[@whiggygirl]

I was in tears watching this Ken. I've NEVER felt so seen and understood. Thank you so very much for making this video. It's AWFUL being a FA, particularly when you are seeing a DA. That's SO painful 😢

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Fearful Avoidants don't trust and push people away. A 100% completely self righteous and project everything onto others. They also fall into the victim role...and have these crisis and dramatic events occur on a regular basis.

[@alimaedenious2745]

Yes yes yes!!!!!!

[@alyajewellery]

I think I’m an FA, on my way out with friends and partners I ghost to avoid saying spiteful things. As a generally calm and harmless person. I fantasise about saying things that I’ve noticed about the person that if they were to hear would completely damage them. I take time to warm up to someone in the beginning but I use trauma dumping as a way to imitate bonding.

[@samyb2834]

My FA ex trauma dumped after we had sex the first time. Told me about her past and her relationships etc. She really had a rough life. I felt bad for her because she never had a father figure. I felt like a savior.

[@charchar7897]

Instead of saying things that will damage others, why don't you just fix your trauma, or stay away from people period. You FA's are toxic and often bipolar. Go seek the help you need instead of making everyone else miserable. I'm certain if someone really told you how they felt about you, you l'd be in the fetal position. Fix yourself, and then you'll be able to see the beauty around you.

[@HippieZippy]

The problem I have with fearful avoidants is that during the initial stages of the relationship, they appear to be engaged. They seem happy and communicate relatively well, I would say. Although, perhaps a red flag might be the timing of the responses if you're texting each other. It appeared to me that the FA needed time to formulate a thought-out response. It was not instinctual. The back & forth texting style you would expect lacked fluidity and consistency. Then they flip the script . The fact that the FA is aware & cognizant of the fact that at some point they will inevitably retreat, become fearful, scared/ overwhelmed, etc, why engage in the first place? Because what? Underneath that avoidant dismissive exterior, there's a human being that desperately wants to connect and wants to be loved? Is driven by fear & underneath that veneer of ice is a person craving for human connectivity? A person can give them that in abundance, on a gold platter, sacrifice your very being , and it will never be enough! I add a caveat to that: unless they possess a real desire to change. Whereby they reach a critical point & they want to change, they envisage an alternative way of living/ being, that's a completely different story. If they are willing & we see a real effort on their part to change, we should be patient and show these individuals compassion. However, if we don't and it's the same old same old, usual selfish behaviour, ignoring you, being cold / callous, then acting as if everything is alright, then no! We need to take a firm stance against that. It's outright damaging. It will ultimately destroy you! All the time & effort you put in will be to no avail. Our well-being takes priority, no matter what! We can empathise with these individuals, but from a distance! Oh, the irony! In actuality, these avoidants can teach us a valuable lesson: self-protection/ self- preservation. Why are we so willing to sacrifice ourselves at the altar of dismissives? Would they do that for us? - No! Let's take a proverbial leaf out of their book - protect ourselves at all cost! That should be the message all therapists should be giving: Always Choose Yourself! No matter what. Do not get caught up with the intricate details of the inner workings of their minds. It's utterly futile. Keep it simple: either they change or goodbye! Protect yourself & your own well-being no matter what.

[@brucewayne5718]

Forreal I'm tired of emphasizing on their bullshit in these videos

[@charchar7897]

This is dead on! These people cause you to end up hating them. You have to choose yourself, cause if you don't, you'll be left to pick up the pieces by yourself.

[@jacobbaradaeus6250]

If you seek to only protect yourself, you’ll never find true intimacy through vulnerability. There needs to be balance.

[@jeannievail]

Oliver, I would say if you’re interested in leaving your FA wife, you should strike while the iron’s hot and take advantage of your courage while you have it. Don’t stay just for the kids because a toxic environment is not healthy. By leaving you’re teaching them how not to tolerate abuse. My ex husband tried to be manipulative as a way to prevent the divorce but I maintained a calm tone with him and once I convinced him that I wanted to make it as easy as possible for both of us, he mostly cooperated and eventually admitted it actually made him a better father. Our four adult kids all say they are grateful we divorced while they were little and it made our lives much more peaceful. Good luck 🍀

[@mitchbutler4736]

Sitting here listening to this video was freaky, it was like you know exactly how my relationship with my ex went. SPOT ON.

[@wizardofaus2985]

I thought I was AA but watching this almost everything ticks the FA box.. I'm married to a DA and it is hell! I don't see how I'm avoidant, but have a massive fear which I feel isn't helped by a history of relationships which have been abbusive and marred with infidelity. Any time I have found signs i have been gaslit that none of my reality is happening and it's given me a much harder exterior and very little trust of men. It has definitely affected my career and yet my DA shines, I can barely afford to live.

[@samyb2834]

My FA discarded me 2 years ago. What you mentioned is textbook. She kept offering me friendship and tried to contact me years later. I finally blocked from everything. Bye bye.

[@msdjraquel]

As one myself, block, block. block. We randomly think of you. We want to know we are still something to you. It's like a kid, not all of us are evil, just not loved enough by mummy and daddy

[@samyb2834]

@@msdjraquel it’s really sad, because I deeply loved that woman. She self sabotaged. She cried last time she spoke to me when I told her “people don’t just leave, they work on things”. She started crying and said “I don’t know how to do this”

[@msdjraquel]

@@samyb2834 I'm so sorry Sam. Trauma informed psychologists are the answer. I wasn't going to go to therapy, no way. Until I did. My life exponentially changes when I found someone I could click with. If she's willing to do the work, not all hope is gone. Sometimes the pain in our shame is too much to hear so we run away and we hide. We make bad choices. We realise and it's "too late" so we just keep Down that line because we effed up and don't deserve any better. We believe all of it. A new lens, a fresh perspective, a coping mechanism, a moment if self awareness, without the shame and guilt. The moment we realise where the trauma stemmed from. The moment we realise our childhood was really effed up, we can see it's not our fault. We can accept our abyss of loneliness and shame. We can then start to recognise our patterns and not be afraid to say it out loud. It changed my life Sam, I hope she can try and figure herself out. You never know what the future can bring.

[@karltan9461]

@@samyb2834 its a literal mindfuck they can listen to what you say exactly, and it makes perfect logical sense and then tell you they don't know how to do it.

[@jellosapiens7261]

Also you are 1000% on the money about FA's simultaneously pushing you away with their actions while claiming that they want you to save them, heal them, fix them, etc. I dealt with this with my FA ex, and it was EXHAUSTING!!!

[@spiritwanderer777]

It's a lot harder to get a DA to do therapy, so I wouldn't use that as a statistic that there are more FAs. After watching your video it seems that it's a lot easier to spot a person with FA attachment style. Thanks for sharing.

[@alimaedenious2745]

I agree

[@alimaedenious2745]

I’m screaming with YES YES YES couldn’t have said it better!!!! 🙌

[@TrustintheLord860]

I was with an FA for eight years, and married her. She immediately changed and distanced herself and left me. She refused to discuss anything. I am devastated and it’s been nine months. I found out she secretly met a guy a week before she left and is now with him. Total people pleaser and she lied repeatedly after she left. I think she is sometimes delusional.

[@womynislandnow2206]

I completely agree with you that Disorganised Attachment is a much higher percentage of the population, I see it everywhere, and I also agree with you that they arent the hardest to treat.

[@msdjraquel]

As a fearful avoidant (self aware) it's hard to know if we should leave them alone because we know it's not it. We can't find a reason to fault them, it's just not giving us the toxicity we're used to. It's good for us and we don't know how to handle this. Go away come back argh. It dies my own head in that I'm like this

[@neveragain733]

Ty for sharing

[@msdjraquel]

@@neveragain733 it's frustrating when you do have empathy and low self esteem so you don't really know what you want I don't want anyone to be hurt either. I tend to choose abusive partners and get so bored and irritated by the boring stuff. It doesn't make sense on paper and especially in real life

[@jessicahitchens6926]

You need to go and heal yourself its possible. Maturity definitely helps after 35.. and you need to do the work when you are single.

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Find a good homeopath. It strengthens your emotional core. And make sure you are taking good supplements as a woman. Women suffer far more due to their changes in hormones (fluctuations).

[@abes2758]

At least you are aware. I am anxious and naturally in love with an avoidant who abandoned me (of course he did) but I think I’m borderline avoidant also because this also resonated with me too. I get the ick if they are too into me.. how fucked is that?

[@csstudio3648]

Thanks so much for your insightful content on DAs and FAs! I've been binge watching your channel for the last few days (new subscriber 😊) and have found what you share massively helpful as I navigate my relationship with my FA/DA . He's had many major traumas, more so than most people. I really appreciate you and you deserve many, many more followers!❤

[@maxitaxiish]

He’s awesome hey

[@bluecoffee8414]

Love your videos. Feedback: I wish you had more 20-30 min vids.

[@paulakaye8126]

Great content! Thanks! ❤

[@apatheliac]

It's really hard being so aware of my patterns but not aware enough to stop them as they are happening

[@BirdieHaze2207]

So you can feel it coming on when you’re deactivating and you can’t stop it in any way?

[@jamesjohnson6309]

The overlaps are interesting. My DA/FA? Has been very successful in her nursing career. Hyper focuses on it. She comes back every 6-8 months like an FA, and doesn’t seem to do any sort of rebound (could be a hopeful delusion) or what not because I’m a safe space. (Long distance). Like clockwork at 2 weeks she pulls away. Thank you for your info. I no longer resent her for ghosting the times she did. I just feel bad for her. That’s a lonely way to live.

[@MAMTAYADAV-wk1vp]

Can you please make a separate video on FA leaning DA. I mean what does that exactly mean? Like they are not fearful avoidant but Dismissive? Could you please explain it? Would be really really grateful to you.

[@tinac6114]

I'm interested in this too. That's how I feel my ex is.

[@daker1941]

When I dated an anxious attacher, I found myself swinging from FA to DA.

[@nipitinthebud4343]

I would be really interested in DA and projecting for sabotaging. My DA friend (with eventually a crush) projects his political views /Antipathies on me (I am rappresenting for him now Nato, liberal ideas,.. He so rejects and he totally attacks me in this "personified" projection) for sabotaging our friendship ("incompatible views"). I would love to learn more about how to navigate such situations, apart of going NC.

[@koala01111986]

It took me around 4-6 years to trust my best friend (met at University) and open up to her about some things 😅 and many more years with other 2 actual friends to open up about vulnerable things of my past 😅😅

[@LJK9]

Spot on.

[@adamhensel4877]

Sound very familiar to my 14 year relationship that just ended.

[@ANME1rocker]

Do you think youd be able to write in the description the books you recommend or the timestamp of when you mention them?

[@morganacrypt3134]

I'd be interested in that as well

[@rosetaylor3717]

FA here!!

[@daker1941]

Enjoy your journey!

[@jacobbaradaeus6250]

Ken, isn’t it true that while childhood environments can have an impact on creating Fearful Avoidants, toxic relationships in early adulthood can have an even bigger impact on them becoming Fearful avoidant? Can you talk about that dynamic?

[@wizardofaus2985]

100%. Whilst my upbringing was dysfunctional, I feel more traumatised by men in my life who've time and time again cheated on me and had extra marital affairs and gaslit me in the process. It's been awful.

[@eveunknown8785]

So a fearful avoidant could actually appear perfectly stable and emotionally healthy for some time until the inevitable abrupt withdrawal that leads to the break up ?

[@sammyott5288]

Agreed, that happened to me

[@pugninja7037]

I am a FA , but Iam growing so much.

[@therealkeinemoniker]

i keep getting different information about rebounds with FAs. I've heard they're less likely to jump right into a new relationship.

[@annettekeeper2855]

I have a question. My avoidant bf of 3 yrs broke up with me bc he suddenly can’t handle me being 6 yrs older. He says he loves me and considers me his best friend but he wants to now date someone hi “own” age (he’s 48 I’m 53)… I’ve been the longest and healthiest relationship he’s ever had… is there ANY reason I should hang around and be his friend? I love him and would want a real relationship but I don’t think he’s capable… I don’t know if he just wants to keep me close as an option or if he really does love me… his reason for pushing me away is insulting and hurtful but he doesn’t get why this is hurting me… should I just cut all ties?

[@TheVerbalAssassinFAFO]

48 and 53??? He's full of poop. That age difference makes absolutely NO difference. It's the same age group SMH

[@deb_diaries]

Cut ties. You're always going to be 6 years older than he is, and he is always going to have that excuse to do a runner on you. You made no mention that he is in therapy and is working towards Secure Attachment. Therefore, what you see now is exactly what you will be getting in the future. There's no need to continue a friendship, as that is simply a way for the Avoidant to keep one foot in a relationship and one foot out, a position that they very much enjoy. You are one of several options to this person. Why would you want to be an option instead of being someone's priority? You indicate you want a real relationship. Well, being someone's priority is what a real relationship is all about. If you break up and then become this Avoidant's friend, they will forever be in and out of your life - "in" when they're feeling neutral or anxious and "out" when they are feeling avoidant. It's a horrible roller coaster. Block them on your phone and on all social media. Let them go, and resist any urge to check in with them later. Then you go out and live a great life. There are plenty of securely attached individuals with great character that will treat you wonderfully in a relationship because they bring healthy relationship skills and emotional availability to the table. All the best.

[@alimaedenious2745]

Which would you say is the hardest to change…FA or DA?

[@chrispaul7036]

Bud i really need someone to talk to to figure out if this fearful avoident is my girlfriend ive studied alot of these personality disorderes and still i cant make a true desision on witch one? Is she BPS? IS SHE BIPOLAR? IS SHE A NARC? IS SHE??? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 4 years ive been with her. Is there anyway that i can comunicate better with you please let me know. This has put me in a really dark spot i have alot of ?.s there is alot that makes sence here. But sometimes so do other ones. TRUST is her bigest thing. I dont lie and i dont cheat?

[@justme9514]

Fearful avoidant people are just problematic and really need to stop disturbing people's peace. Date other avoidants, leave secure person out of the BS please and thank you 🚫

[@therealkeinemoniker]

it took me a while but im not where you're at lol.

[@wizardofaus2985]

And guys should stop having multiple extra marital affairs which lead to your partner to a mental breakdown. But hey- infidelity is almost encouraged in this day and age.

[@gabrielakarl3859]

The beginning of a fa relationship almost seems.like a BPD.

[@womynislandnow2206]

I guess you wouldnt know what is being exposed to potential harm regularly

[@gregorystinette8271]

Will anyone ever evaluate how these dynamics play out in a sexual manner, as in the S&M community ??

[@morganacrypt3134]

What an interesting question 🤔 You got me thinking about this too now 🤭

[@gregorystinette8271]

​@@morganacrypt3134Yeah, that would be a good puzzle to solve

[@jamesjohnson6309]

This is what I’ve been wondering for a long time. A lot of DAs seem keen on extreme sexual dynamics

[@Me76me]

I wish I could talk you right now.

[@flippinmentalproductions9990]

Can we have more of you when you are totally pissed off with these people. They are the best videos. This is bland and boring

[@sushisam3010]

Attached is a very poorly written book. One of the worst, in fact.

[@jamesjohnson6309]

How come? I found it quite insightful. Maybe on a surface level but still. Good intro material

[@thealphabetist]

Agree, it’s so simplistic and trivial. I get that it’s written for the masses, but it’s just very very basic and cliché-ridden. Also, why does nobody ever mention that they openly excluded disorganized attachment from the book, because according to the authors, it doesn’t affect enough people to be worth discussing it at all. I don’t get its popularity, there are so many books about AT that are much more interesting and educational.