Avoidant Men Open up When you Do This!

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
How to Get an Avoidant Man to Open Up and Love You: The Key Revealed!
Are you struggling to connect with an avoidant man? In this eye-opening video, Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, shares invaluable insights and strategies on how to break through to an avoidant partner. Drawing from years of experience, Adam reveals the one key way to get an avoidant man to realize how much you love him and to love you in return.
Discover the deep-rooted needs of Avoidant Individuals and learn how to create a safe and secure environment that fosters intimacy and trust. Adam breaks down the Avoidant Attachment style, explaining its origins and how it impacts relationships. From understanding their childhood experiences to addressing their fear of vulnerability, Adam provides practical advice for navigating the complexities of loving an avoidant partner.
Through clear communication, setting boundaries, and building emotional security, you can transform your relationship and help your avoidant partner open up like never before. Adam shares real-life success stories of avoidant men who have experienced profound transformations in their ability to love and connect.
If you're ready to unlock the potential for a deep, meaningful connection with your avoidant partner, don't miss this transformative video. Join Adam Lane Smith on a journey to understanding and healing in relationships, and learn how to become the best version of yourself for the person you love. Watch now and start building the relationship of your dreams!
The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available!
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on Avoidant Attachment watch: • Women NEED Avoidant Me...
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The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Getting an Avoidant Man to Open Up
00:02:07 - Ethical Avoidance and Lone Wolf Syndrome
00:04:19 - Being Worthy of Trust
00:06:35 - Clear Communication and Conflict Resolution in Relationships
00:08:23 - Building a Relationship Based on Mutual Needs and Preferences
00:10:16 - Building Trust through Additional Context
00:12:16 - The Transformation of Avoidant Men
00:14:23 - The Transformation of an Avoidant Man
00:16:36 - Viewing the World Through an Avoidant Man's Eyes
00:18:38 - Being the Best Version of Yourself for Love

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@nakitanash2189]

Just purchased! This is fantastic. Thank you, Adam!

[@AttachmentAdam]

@@nakitanash2189 That's wonderful to hear! Thank you for your support. Now go get your avoidant back and enjoy the journey together!

[@JenMaunier]

I’m in the middle of the course, and I love it. I’m going to need to watch a few times, aspecialy the 4 levels of trust and the what, why, how many times method. But I really had to share this with you: I’ve already been applying a lot of what you share in your youtube videos already, and already noticed many changes. Yesterday I got my hair changed (not a big change but significant enough) and while he was driving, out of absolutely NOWHERE he told me I was really beautiful. Do you know how many years I haven’t heard that? It was so awesome, I had to fight to contain my hapiness. I just said « i’m really glad you like it, I also like what the hairdresser did with my hair » and we continued on another subject. Adam, you are changing our lives for the best. Thank you so much. So excuse me while I’m going straight back to the How to love an avoidant man course 😂❤️❤️❤️

[@LdAmaro71]

18:12 “secretly watching this” made me smile because I was going to type, “today I learned I’m an avoidant.” But, yes, these steps would help. Thank you, Adam. First time watching you. 👍

[@JIF930]

FIRST! That grown man needs professional mental health help!

[@AnnaWhite-go6nz]

I dated an avoidant and I have a secure attachment style. I asked them after they pulled away, calmly - just tell me what you need so I can best support you. If you need space, time etc. no problems. His reply was: you’re too nice Again he pulled away, didn’t communicate either. The cycle was repeated. Sometimes I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. Bread crumbs and then plans made. Then crickets. The last time I was stood up, actually stood up for our date. Nothing, no text, no call. Four hours later I realised, I just can’t do this anymore. I politely said over an audio - as my polite texts and a phone call was ignored. I left an audio to show I was calm, not upset or angry and just disappointed/ that it comes with life and that it was ok. And that I just wanted to know if he was ok. I heard nothing. It’s been nearly 5 weeks and still nothing at all. This man said he wanted marriage, family everything with me, so it’s left me very confused. Until I found these videos, as I had no idea what an avoidant was. I have compassion, but the suggestions you made, I tried. I also express my needs, emotions and place boundaries, expressing them calmly and easily. These people are severely damaged and it’s not enough for you to be secure and help or heal this person. They need therapy to work on themselves and heal that part of themselves that is damaged for themselves so they can open up. Pure and simple

[@AnnaWhite-go6nz]

@@purplebutterfly314 i have done exactly this ❤️

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

Although I very much enjoyed the content of this video I don’t think it’s as simplistic as you make it sound. I wish it was. Having friends who are avoidant and experiencing my relationship with them I feel if they are slightly avoidant these principles might work but not that easily with a severely avoidant person.

[@AnnaWhite-go6nz]

@@heatherhilderbrand7298 thank you for your comment I don’t really understand whether it is related to me. But if it is, yes it is that simple. You walk away from those that do not value you or treat you with respect. Pure and simple

[@deemart7397]

I don’t understand why y’all keep saying it’s not so simple or easy. NO relationship is easy. Every avoidant is different. Been with mine for 15 years.

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

I was referring to the video content. And how I feel the video makes it sound like if you do these things you can make a relationship work with an avoidant. From experience with avoidant friends this kind of advice and engaging with them in this way doesn’t always result in the desired result. Especially if they are severely avoidant. And yes I do agree you. If they are not interested in respecting your boundaries you should leave and not look back.

[@MassageandReiki-ee5xg]

Keep him guessing by marrying someone else 💯

[@nakitanash2189]

lol

[@azzv.kuskatan]

Yes

[@wisewittyandpretty4210]

This comment right here!!!!

[@reneesmith5403]

Amen! 👏 👏 👏 👏

[@Jacqueline140]

😂😂😂 realest statement so far in 2024

[@Jessiethegirl23]

Im a healed avoidant woman. The things that helped me open up: Patience, Consistency, Truthful Communication, Stoicism (not being overly emotional), ask questions rather than being judgemental, saying you care rather than saying you love me, pulling back when i pull back.

[@Sarah-dn7ed]

Most women can heal better because they reflect and communicate a lot. Men are used to cope with everything on their own, they do not want to be vulnerable and talk their problems. So they carry them around without healing.

[@IndigoSeeress_Yaa7]

He is exhausting me mentally and emotionally. I do all youve stated. I even ask for clarity when he says what he desires of me. I still end up with half-assed, piss-poor communication from him..practically begging for quality time..its weird because he is willing to be physically intimate, but, doesnt "feel safe enough to open up because my ex was..........".😢im over it. I wanted to embark on a Journey with the man who was friendly and I could talk to him for hours about aliens, politics, science....now, Im gasping for air to get reciprocity. After being single for 4 years..I didnt expect this from an adult. He needs therapy, not a relationship. I feel like my Light is being dimmed by doing all the "heavy lifting" of the relationship alone.

[@DarkroomMedia007]

All this for a man who is not your husband? if not, GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE MA'AM! He is liable to leave you for someone else and you have nothing to show for this relationship trauma. Pardon me for the harsh approach, you are wasting your time, he is not worth all this: he needs a therapist, not a doormat girlfriend with endless patience and nerves of steel. Is he avoidant when he needs/wants sexual intimacy? if not then he is playing you like a banjo and faking reasons to have you as a part-time lover. A mentally stable man is looking for a woman like you unless you feel you deserve him by something broken inside your mind and heart? I wouldn't think you do, please take my words with love and care as I have 6 older sisters and 1 had a married boyfriend who treated her the way your guy seems to be treating her. He also was physically abusive to her as well. Bless you and hope you find a satisfying outcome! 🙏

[@JenSweetpea]

Let him go and move on as he is wasting your time. This sounds just like my ex. The one thing this video doesn't mention is how these kinds of avoidants love to do things solely at their own convenience and can purposely make deaf ears to their partners' requests. They will work you over so you do all the work while they chill and run from anything outside their small world. Most are highly resistant to change and will use you at their own convenience and certainly reciprocity is not there. A lot of weak promises stack up and you realise they talked a good game but simply do not want to try another way, are inflexible and exhausting because these types are incredibly stubborn and also rather passive aggressive to maintain control of the relationship, it's pacing and conditions are all based solely on their needs so you find true partnership isn't possible in spite of the strong emotional bond you may feel. It is fair to try your best but if you meet a very stubborn, passive aggressive, sulky yet makes big and unsolicited promises and raises your expectations-type of avoidant move on sooner rather than later. They are happy to waste people's time knowing full well the relationship will expire once you get tired. Then they can keep their hands clean because you are forced to wall away. Avoidants are very rooted in their ways and would sooner see you wall away than change, the ones who would never dare to address their problems by going to therapy, the ones who are happy to be set in their ways. Know the type you are dealing with and decide wisely before getting deeply entangled with this type.

[@khushiprabhudessai9760]

Keep him guessing forever by you marrying secure attachment person and enjoy your life 😌

[@Kepukas123]

Yep and avoid toxic narcissistic men at any cost. Better to be single

[@Daneiladams555]

that's mean

[@user-bm2rq9dx5y]

​@@Daneiladams555 thatsblife ...we weak ones will be killed by stringer people one day

[@LovelyDejadej]

I was dating this guy he had an avoidant attachment style. I got him to open up and I got to see so many sides to him everytime he showed me a different side he would run. He cried in front me once he said why are you so patient with me and why do I feel so comfortable around you. The more I watch your videos it all makes sense.

[@saltycat662]

So you're his therapist. He's going to drain you.

[@Sarah-dn7ed]

Yes, mine as well, but then he closed again. Removed affection, got distanced again, relapsed with alcohol, raged, cheated... just a very sick individual. I could not fix him, now I have to fix my codependency.

[@LovelyDejadej]

See you’re trying to fix him I don’t try to fix men or change them. That’s not my responsibility. I also understand that you must create the space as well if I want to be heard I listen. When you in a relationship with someone it requires to have some level of patience. I don’t put myself in situations where I end up being a man therapist. Ive learned when a man wants to share something to shut up and listen. Especially when they don’t share that often. Everything he was saying I agree with because it works.

[@beverlystone4513]

I was rock solid safe and trustworthy for more than a decade. It did nothing.

[@BenLWolf]

Then obviously you weren't. You should have used the vaunted female "empathy" to discover just how little emotional support you were actually providing.

[@blondscientist]

​@@BenLWolfJesus, Ben....

[@BenLWolf]

@@blondscientist No, no. The correct term is Jesus Wept. And he did. And still does.

[@nakitanash2189]

:(

[@KaylaNoelle1]

@@BenLWolfWhat I don’t understand about men who are DETERMINED to despise every single woman on earth. Why not just leave us alone?? Why seek out interactions with us? If you think we are all inherently guilty by virtue of existing what do you want from interacting with us? Why not ACTUALLY “go your own way”??

[@LydiaKettle]

Know your worth, know your own value. It doesn't matter how much you love them, they need to seek professional help for THEIR issues. No way should anyone have to pussyfoot around and walk on eggshells for the rest of their life, just to keep a partner. Too many fish in the sea. Oh yes I AM currently walking away from this very situation, yes I do love him with all my heart and soul, I'm not willing to sacrifice myself for his issues though.

[@Sarah-dn7ed]

So true, I totally relate. Too much wasted time with too much toxic hope that he gets better.

[@Theaceofspace255]

Be there for them, all the time. but the moment you go through trauma, and need them to step up, theyll disappear. Cool.

[@tellitlikeitis5028]

Exactly! Fuuuck that

[@MzUpliftingTea]

This is the craziest shxt I've seen in a while. These MEN were poorly raised and have done ZERO self work, but as a woman you are to take ON HIS healing as a part the relationship. This is some next level mind fukery.

[@NichelleLC]

Not only do they disappear but they often lack empathy for you. You end up being alone in a relationship, constantly pouring into someone else who can't reciprocate.

[@fruity_mango6539]

Yes, exactly! And especially in the case of mine, which is betrayal trauma. My avoidant husband hid his pornography/sex addiction for 20 years. So now that I’ve been traumatized by it, he’s become even more avoidant.

[@kristenhyler3400]

Exactly, it’s madness

[@Tania_888]

I keep attracting avoidant people into my life because I'm avoidant myself. And when you realize this ladies and gentlemen...then you get to see yourself for the first time and realize you have the power to be happy and secure within yourself. ❤ Stop blaming other people look within. Take rest and refuge within yourself. That way you can attract a secure person and you can tell a walking red flag from miles away.

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

Very true !!

[@edwong4178]

One might think that the best match for an avoidant is another avoidant. But that’s not the case, is it? It seems like you are describing a one-sided relationship where the secure partner does all the work to make the avoidant feel safe, not mentioning how rare this clear and concise communication style is. It sounds almost enabling, rather than encouraging the avoidant to challenge their thoughts and beliefs through cognitive reframing. And all it takes is one false move by the secure partner to cause this hall of cards to come tumbling down again.

[@viktoriyaminasova6144]

I dated avoidants who expressed great interest in me, but once their game starts, it's a nightmare. Avoidant behavior nearly destroyed me. I used to be anxious but recently tested to have a secure attachment style. One thing I can say Avoidants will f#&k you up. I learned.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'd love to hear more from you, what was the game or nightmare that they start?

[@hearme4581]

For me as a woman I will feel like I’m dating a child. It’s frustrating for women to have to patycake a man. At some point we loose ourselves, we are doing the emotional work for both of us..

[@Sarah-dn7ed]

Yes and we end up being their mothers and then they do not feel attracted to us anymore. What an avoidant needs is somebody even more avoidant to wake up maybe. But not a kind, loving, understanding doormat.

[@wisewittyandpretty4210]

I get it. They get to stay avoidant but we need to become secure. Okaaay

[@AttachmentAdam]

I get where you're coming from, but the ultimate goal is for both partners to work on their attachment. When one partner becomes secure, it creates a safe environment for both and builds deeper connection and trust in the relationship. Make sense?

[@BenLWolf]

Le Gasp! You have to do... No.. do not let me say it! Your feminine ears may burst into flame! ... Dare I? Oh ... I suppose this one I dare. You'd have to do WORK! *distant thunderclap*

[@kylahyland7048]

Becoming secure isn't for anyone else but yourself. If you want a healthy, long-standing relationship where you and your partner are interdependent, becoming secure is the best option. Being secure attached allows you to have better bonds in all areas of life, not just romantic relationships. So don't look at it like your doing it for another person, because it's not going to work and you will see it as giving up part of yourself for another (which isn't healthy), look at it as a part of yourself that you are ready to heal "change" for your future self. You will, in no doubt, attract a more secure person, and through this transition, you will have the correct tools to navigate through any situations that aren't a good match for you.

[@BenLWolf]

@@kylahyland7048 You cannot heal a relationship issue WITHOUT a relationship, dear. Good luck with your plan, however.

[@jesd5578]

He needs a therapist! Not a partner. A partner can’t be that and continue to be abused by him. Ok if you’re stuck in a marriage, yes do all this. But if you have a choice - DO NOT ENTER THIS RELATIONSHIP. Danger ahead!

[@KEG242]

This sounds completely and utterly exhausting for the woman, and very one sided. You're asking the woman to be the perfect bloody mother! An impossibility and any woman out there reading this, do yourself a favour, don't buy into the behaviour, get on with your life, have hobbies and good friends and he'll soon get the message. This has come from years of pampering to men resulting in burn out and having a F*** this moment. My partner and I now have a good relationship and it was all down to leaving him in his cave and going out and enjoying my life. Nothing better than disappearing in front of the disappeared!

[@Samadhicat]

Because it is exhausting. This man is teaching women to walk on sharp eggshells and enjoy the process because in the end, maybe the guy keeps the girl.

[@aranicolee]

It really does it both ppl worried about him the woman just gone fell drained and lost in him

[@user-re4hv7ns4g]

THE WOMAN FROM ENGLAND OR GREAT BRITAIN I COULD TELL BY THE SPELLING OF FAVOR SHE'S A SPOT ON GREETINGS FROM KENTUCKY TRY HELPING THE POOR THE HOMELESS FAMILY MEMBERS NEIGHBORS COME ON NOW STOP WORRYING ABOUT THESE PODCAST PEOPLE TRY TO PUSH RELATIONSHIPS ON PEOPLE AND MARRIAGE IT'S NOT FOR EVERYBODY GOD CREATED EVERYBODY DIFFERENTLY DRESS MODESTLY ESPECIALLY IT'S A BIG PROBLEM IN THE USA OKAY WOMEN JUST VERY PROVOCATIVELY THEN THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING ABUSED PHYSICALLY YOU KNOW AND EMOTIONALLY THEY'RE ATTRACTING THE WRONG KINDS OF MEN BY LOOKING LIKE THIS AND BEHAVING WORLDLY OKAY IT'S IT'S THE BOTTOM LINE I DON'T CARE IF PEOPLE GET OFFENDED BY MY COMMENTS IT'S THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH STOP TRYING TO CATER TO MEN OKAY LIFE IS NOT ABOUT THIS ALL RIGHT WOMEN SHOULD BE TAUGHT TO BLOOD THEMSELVES THEY HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE TRAVEL YOU KNOW HELP THE POOR AND THE HOMELESS MY GOSH GET OFF THESE PODCASTS THIS GUY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING

[@NichelleLC]

@@Samadhicat I lived like this, I am still in the marriage but I am burnt out from implementing all that he say's in this video for years, It left me empty and depressed.

[@Samadhicat]

@@NichelleLC I know that feeling, I've been there. For me, I realised that the person simply didn't want to do the necessary changes for us be in alignment. You see, at the end, it's really a matter of wanting or not wanting. In relationships we are just a person wanting, but the other needs to want it too. Nowadays, everyone is so damaged that it seems that we need to have a PhD in Psychology in order to fix the other. No, we don't need that and we must stand against this courses, the magic pill how they sell, that is going to fix relashionships. Adults must have and accept their on stuff, and be responsible, that's it. I believe in love and in relationships between people that want to be in relationships. I believe in being with someone that allows me to be me. I've been in relationships, romantic and friendship, with avoindts for years. And I everything I could in my power to show that I'm trust worthy. It wasn't enough and it was going to be enough. And after years and years of trying, they took off like nothing we did in pass mattered. So no, no more walking on sharp egg shells for me, and a lot of empathy for avoindts. I'm sorry they are missing On Life. Peace for Nichelle on your journey 💕

[@jencooper8497]

Stop accepting the emotionally challenged. You are better. Love, A woman who has not yet escaped the emotionally challenged

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

We are the emotionally challenged we need to heal first

[@anonymous_g001]

It's honestly criminal that your channel isn't bigger. Every men should be watching this!

[@sadiqua7]

He needs to be on loop in Times Square, CNN, all the news channels!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your incredibly kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that you find my content valuable. Your support means the world to me! 🌟

[@CandleBB]

i just got so upset with him for not caring bout my needs being met. being in love with an avoidant was a one way street. unreciprocated love felt like unrequited love. he ended it a week ago and it makes no sense why im so uspet.

[@BenLWolf]

@@CandleBB Thank you for teaching another man the valuable lesson that 304s aint loyal.

[@samuelpayne5460]

It isn’t the men that need to watch… it’s the women that needs to watch and do it. Men have a reason why we feel like this. The biggest thing that needs to be addressed is when he still says, “no”. Then she’ll reveal who she really is and that all that is learned from women from what he teaches how she can manipulate him.

[@theinvisogirl2520]

Holy shit this explains everything for me. Me and my husband lived this without even knowing it. At first we fought some times when we first dated but then we worked toward being friends and then later best friends. And over time we discovered that we got along so well we grew to love each other slowly. It took 6 years to get to where we are today and been married for one year. And we are really happy.

[@saltycat662]

Girl you've only been married a year. Just you wait. That man is going to torment you. Dating for 6 years is already a huge red flag unless you began dating when you were both really young.

[@theinvisogirl2520]

I really think your trolling, I’m sorry but not everything online is true

[@SevillaILove]

@@theinvisogirl2520 I'm with you. I am happy you are finding your safe happy place with each other!

[@vtbhoward]

I can see that what he needs is from Christ the Lord.... Christ gives love and peace that no one else can give, and it's better than any love a human can give another human. Without that love and peace, a partner cannot fill that tall order, unless the partner let's Christ be their soul source/mate of lasting love, peace, affirmation, compassion, suppport, and warmth in a relationship with any partner that is insecurely operating. Not many can walk the road of being the only secure adult in a relationship designed to be reciprocal to high levels.

[@saroniroy375]

Supporting and fuelling a narcissist who’s destroying people and then playing a victim all the time that the world is unfair to them, that’s unfair

[@metalmoffett]

Avoidants are not the same as narcissists.

[@ahsenaktitiz9163]

@@metalmoffettslight differences same destructiveness.

[@ForrestMystic]

I was that person. Now I'm as avoidant as he was. The rug was pulled out so quickly, right when I relaxed and believed he would stay. Everything you describe happened. Including giving me a speech about how wonderful I am and he didn't expect to find someone like me. But he dumped me, instead of opening up, because he said I deserved better than him. Now I can't bring myself to lend that support to anyone, because all I see is someone who is going to take from me and break my heart again.

[@creatureofstyle]

The problem was that I was that one person for him, but then he just invited his extremely toxic ex right into our relationship and started emotionally cheating on me with her. She doesn't want a romantic relationship with him, she barely even wants him in her life, she only keeps him around so that she can use him. I couldn't continue being a calm beacon in that environment. I had to protect myself... so I left. Now he just has another reason to be avoidant I guess, because he thinks people always leave If you're avoidant try looking at your own behavior in the relationship. Were you inviting chaos into the relationship or were they... because chances are it may have been you

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Don’t waste your time with avoidant men -you basically need to be a doormat with a career and have zero needs for them to be happy and they will still value you and most likely cheat.

[@rose7777]

Superb❤

[@rahmasamir909]

Yes I moved on too 😊❤ no Time to waste

[@flagirl0315]

Exactly. Secure people truly leave. Only way it ever sticks is if you sacrifice yourself and bend to their life like a pretzel bc they are not going to meet you halfway. It’s miserable

[@danyabarraza4658]

Imagine it you make it that easy and they still ghost you. 🥺

[@rahmasamir909]

I was with someone ghosting me and ignoring my text I Say i respect my self and others so I go to move on good Luck 😅 great freedome now

[@annb5106]

Problem with finding out and meeting the needs of DAs is that it brings about emotional closeness in the relationship which scares the DA and they revert to finding fault and nitpicking their partner, pushing them away. Would like to hear from DAs themselves if their partner meeting their needs has actually helped to bring them to a point of feeling safe and connecting with their partner.

[@TamasMateffy]

As an ethical. Avoidant it helped me that she met my needs in our happy period. When slowly she started demanding more intimacy was when I started to distance myself. Then she got even less, whined more about it, I felt even more suffocated, pushed into a corner. It’s the nagging, demanding , prying , forcing, emotional manipulation that makes me want to run for the hills. Avoidants look like pushing more and more frantically a door that has a sticker that says: pull. They just so entangled in their Own emotions, that they fail to notice , and read:PULL.

[@user-wv2ce3wd4c]

Me & my partner are BOTH Dissmissive Avoidant… I have to say this is very true for both of us. Me as a woman and he as a man. We try hard to be kind & patient with each other & learn as much as we can about our attachment styles…. & try to help each co-regulate. We’re eachother’s emotional support humans ☺️

[@ashton1952]

❤️

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

If it works then it works ❤

[@RosettaRedfeather]

I don’t understand how I am so hyper vigilant, and had such intense early life, domestic violence, trauma, and still not be avoidant…like it’s the reverse. I feel like I am championing people who did not get up and fight back like I did. Pushing back hard on ignorance, not letting people I love be overpowered by the evil around them…

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's remarkable that you've channeled your early life experiences into becoming a strong advocate for others. Not everyone responds to trauma in the same way, and your resilience and determination to fight back have shaped you differently. How do you find balance in protecting others while also taking care of your own well-being?

[@Jacqueline140]

I’m so sick of so many broken people it’s getting ridiculous annoying and pathetic how so many people want to be coddled! 🤮

[@Samadhicat]

It looks like the world it's governand by adult toddlers.

[@user-re4hv7ns4g]

AMEN 😁🙏 GREETINGS FROM THE STATE OF KENTUCKY IN THE US CULTURE IS VERY TOXIC AND VERY VIOLENT IT'S A MESS HERE IT'S NOT LIKE WHAT IT USED TO BE A WOMEN JUST VERY PROVOCATIVELY THEN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE OUTCOME MEN AND ARE TAUGHT TO BE VERY NARCISSISTIC AND SELFISH AND A FEW WOMEN AS OBJECTS BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER BY THE WAY AND ALSO SO WOMEN SHOULD NOT BE CATERING HOW EXHAUSTING I MEAN WOMEN NEED TO BE TAUGHT WE NEED TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO LOVE THEMSELVES AND BE OKAY ALONE AND HELP OTHERS BE THE DIFFERENCE BE THE GOOD TYPE OF PEOPLE IN THE US UNLIKE THE MAJORITY IT'S GOT TO BE REALLY BAD HERE AND IT'S JUST REALLY QUITE DISGUSTING AND MEN ARE VERY ABUSIVE IT'S REALLY IT'S VERY DISTURBING AND THE WAY WOMEN SOME OF THE WOMEN DRESS THE SECULAR WOMEN YOU KNOW THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT IS NOT BEING EMPOWERED BY DRESSING AND BEING PROVOCATIVE ONCE AGAIN YOU CAN THANK THE CULTURE OF THE EVIL MEDIA OF THE SECULAR MINDSET

[@jackdeniston6150]

Dont have children then

[@LindseyGarcia0918]

Wow Adam! You did the dang thing. I love how you really appeal to our empathy in this one. LADIES: treasure his words. I would even add that many of us who have big hearts truly believe that we are trying to appeal to our men and be sweet and soft. But please pay attention to the way you communicate. I thought I was being sweet And simply stating my needs. But I was actually criticizing and complaining. Now every time he does what I do want. I tell him how much I love it and I take the time out to admire his many strengths and what he does for me. It doesn't just help him. It helps me. It helps me to focus on the great man that he is And appreciate his masculine qualities. Also what Adam said about marriage: THEY WILL MARRY!! But yes they analyze risk. My fiance ghosted the girl before me when she tried to say I love you. Interestingly, the one story he will tell me about her is when she yelled at him when he needed to bring some work home. A few months later we met and within a matter of 2 months we were saying I love you and he, although promising himself he would never ever ever get married again, actually told me that he would marry me. Here. We are a year and a half later and just months away from such a sacred and beautiful vow. My point though is that he explained to me that I was truly kind, that I didn't yell at him and nag him the way other women do and instead I was always researching information and doing what I could to understand him and how he is. And I let him watch TV and play video games. 😂😂 Don't get me wrong. I have anxious attachment and I do make my needs known. But even if you apply the principles taught by Adam and others about attachment, you will start to see results. One other thing, my fiance is truly a good man. He is very respectful and polite and consistent. If you're longing for an avoidant man that is not ethical, do yourself a favor. Move along and love yourself. Respect is just a minimum.

[@BenLWolf]

Hehehe... Empathy. It's cute you ladies still think you have that.

[@LindseyGarcia0918]

@@BenLWolf you don't?

[@BenLWolf]

@@LindseyGarcia0918 Lemme put it this way.. there's a reason our gender isn't behind 90% of divorce.

[@LindseyGarcia0918]

Well that just makes me sad. I noticed that you generalized women by saying "you ladies". I noticed that you were sarcastic. And now I'm going to show empathy for you. You've probably had more than your share of experiences in life that have helped form your beliefs. And I'm sure your comment came from a place of pain because I don't doubt that you're intelligent and know very well that there are both ethical men and ethical women left in this world as well as the opposite. I do have to admit that I took your comment personally at first as I have put my heart and soul into my loved one and I carry a lot of pride in being the one that he has chosen after so much betrayal and abuse in his life. My comment was quite long so you probably didn't get through it all, but had you read it all you would see the effect that my empathy and love has had on him as well as the effect he has on me. I hope that you experience this and maybe just maybe there's a lady that will capture your heart and help you believe again. 🤍

[@BenLWolf]

@@LindseyGarcia0918 Oooo! oo! here it comes! the "performative empathy". Yes, yes. Go on with your bad self girl. Totally jill off to your own power. You're so awesome and wonderful and pristine.

[@ld921]

Listen Adam, I’ve done all these things , I’m very easy going and fun, but this man won’t commit, I’m Not forcing anyone to act in unnatural ways to please me, I left I’m in peace ✌️

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear you know your value regardless of his actions or behavior.

[@BenLWolf]

@@purplebutterfly314 A broken person can't fix another broken person, dear.

[@ld921]

@@purplebutterfly314 I agree cuz it’s dammed if you do dammed if you don’t, if you met me I’m the most prettiest easy going down to earth, great sex good conversation, pleasant engaging personality, calm and collected a scientist in a laboratory, smart intellectual, we like each other always spend time together, u know what happened all these attributes even pushed him further away because he’s now unlocked the abandonment fear, I can’t do anything right! So I gave up, I hate nagging people it tires me so when I see people ways I give them their space to act accordingly because it’s their life to live !!!

[@rose7777]

@@BenLWolflol easy to dump on ppl. Come i welcome u to see my burns and scars. She is right if she dsnt want to get into this.

[@rose7777]

@@ld921i stand by you sister ❤

[@andrewpowers2249]

As an avoidant man, one thing for sure you got right is "asking about context." Sometimes I feel something I did, or said, is taken wrong, and I'm accused of hurting my partner. And if I explain why I did what I did, showing I had no bad intention, I'm usually accused of "being defensive." And I understand people are free to feel the way they do, and I apologize, I ask how to make up for it... but assumption of motive, that's where I go "I didn't do that to hurt you, I'm sorry that it did hurt you..." and a fight occurs, and I don't understand why. I wouldn't assume someone did something setting out to hurt me... So...asking about context, that just seems so important, and so overlooked.

[@azzv.kuskatan]

Get your emotional problems solved before getting into a relationship, nobody needs to deal with your problems, you need to fix yourself before trying to be with someone. Is not fair to the partner who needs to deal with your emotional issues. Get therapy and maybe someday you can try again when you're healthy, that's the best for you too, so many breakdowns because you really aren't prepared for a relationship YET.

[@The_NutritionChef]

I understand where you’re coming from. I have an avoidant personality too, but depending on the person I can shift it, but I’m definitely avoidant with friends to an extreme and I’ve had people get mad at me too I would suggest saying I’m sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t my intention. I just needed space because of etc. that was going on with me personally , * insert your details and context, The key is that I said I’m sorry”i” hurt you not: I’m sorry that “ it “ hurt you Do you see how the first one takes responsibility personally, where the second one is still kind of doing a little bit of blame shifting and cold shoulder behavior? Trust me I get it. I do the same thing!

[@AnselSf1]

If you are with a person who believes you want to hurt them, then that person is not right for you. The first step towards a healthy relationship should be trust that we’re in this together, not you against me. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

[@LdAmaro71]

@@azzv.kuskatanYou sound angry.

[@azzv.kuskatan]

@@LdAmaro71 I think you are romanticizing mental illnesses and reading a common sense argument against codependency it sounds aggressive to you because for you this should be the partner sacrificing themselves for an avoidant, which is just ridiculous and doesn't resolve any problem, it only causes new mental problems for both parts in the relationship.

[@paulahamilton3018]

Imagine if they talked to you reasonably and then the avoidant still becomes irrational

[@jeanieburns2571]

This video assured me that I'M the avoidant one...

[@AttachmentAdam]

Which part resonated the most and sparked an 'a-ha' moment?

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

Same here

[@CM-xu6bd]

Same

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

I believe I have behaved in this trusted, non-pressured way, but some people are just too entrenched in their maladaptive, avoidant coping mechanisms. At some point, you have to set a boundary and leave the possibly of a healthy, romantic relationship in favor of your own mental well-being and time. It is bittersweet. I recall feeling as though I was attempting to befriend and provide a safe space for a stray animal.

[@MsHaynez]

Wow, this is the first time I’ve heard this perspective on an avoidant outside of why they are avoidant. Bravo, this video provides a framework on how to think outside yourself with an avoidant to increase harmony in the relationship. You painted a picture of what a day is like for an avoidant.

[@SK-no2pp]

My person will come and rest, when he’s recharged, he’ll leave lol

[@MassageandReiki-ee5xg]

Just like a narcissist: idealize, use, discard, repeat.

[@kasijune88]

Same here! They don't want a spouse they want a mum!

[@azzv.kuskatan]

Why are you all with mentally unstable men, let them solve their problems alone first, maybe you can be with them if you're still available after that.

[@belle3055]

@@kasijune88mine lost his mother when he was 13

[@adrianaburger514]

Thank you for your video. The conversation is much deeper though, and doesn’t take in consideration the trauma that caused years long wounds . Even though you might not be in front a manipulator, often the trauma causes abusive behaviors, and no matter how much “fair treatment” you offer, no matter how “unicorn” you are, it’s very rare to find a man that will actually appreciate what you’re doing for him, in terms of what you explained here. It’s like trying to feed caviar to someone who only fed himself with fast food. They don’t have the capability to appreciate it, even if they wanted it. Trauma changes human nature, and self awareness in these cases is the hardest obstacle . I speak from a four years long experience. I understood and grew myself, in the effort of understanding another human being, but the defense mechanisms are too embedded, and the generosity and flexibility you offer is often taken advantage of. There’s never fairness in such a relationship, and it decays, instead of improving, because the securely attached partner is taken for granted, and expected to be the “giver”, reliantly.

[@ashton1952]

Tbh doesn't sound like a secure attached person is sounds like the anxious person. Over-giving is a thing one needs to cut back on, determine own limitations and where to draw the line, or decide that it's unconditional love and have no expectations of anything in return. I could be wrong but that's how I understand about the anxious style.

[@christinan005]

This is y I bout to give up😢 people are too messed up to b in relationships these days ..

[@DarkroomMedia007]

This man is giving terrible advise to have people who are secure attached and mentally stable to basically be the therapist and enabler to a toxic and damaged person. Hell naw!

[@DarkroomMedia007]

Try youtube channel "The Crappy Childhood Fairy" I guarantee you'll get more clarity and helpful advise. Anna is a veteran of these messed up relationships and have expert advice from being associated with addiction and relationship therapy organizations for 30 years. She has a LARGE catalog of videos that showcase letters from people who are avoidants and others with childhood trauma that is often the root cause of why these folks are wreaking havoc on normal people and can't commit due to childhood neglect and alcoholic parents (her mother was a raging alcoholic). Childhood neglect causes Limerance, a state of mind of obession for people who is emotionally unavailable, causes side chick syndrome, and people's moral compase to be broken and accept friend with benefits situationships and married men as "normal" or "better than nothing". whew! Check her out - peace and blessing to you! 😎

[@jackiebraun5479]

Wow! I cannot thank you enough for this video. Most of the videos on avoidants are very negative. This is a real eye opener, maybe I should say "heart opener". I thought I understood him but there are still some things that I just didn't get. It's very clear to me now. I feel like crying. Again- much appreciation and respect for you.

[@km101]

Wow! This is interesting that you talk about safety, as this very morning, my avoidant SO, who is opening up gradually, was saying how the word safety and security come up each time he thinks of his needs. I am very happy that I do exactly as you recommend: clearly express my expectations and enquire about his. As security and safety come up a lot. I am his safe place, his peace. We try to keep an open communication, and it works great. We are in love with deep friendship vibes.with him, I learned that love is acceptance, and it starts from within. Each one is responsible for becoming more aware to be a better person. Now, I really get the powerful saying, " because I love you, I love me. Because I love me, I love you" ❤ Thank you beyond words for your videos ❤

[@azcountrymom]

Beautifully put!

[@JessicaHealey]

I am a “information snob” and I am picky on who I follow and listen to. You are fantastic!!! True and easy to understand and digest information! I loved it and I’m craving more info!!!

[@tinydanceryoutube]

Imagine being a woman who has never experienced true safety. I totally get this whole video. Men aren't the only ones who, from no fault of their own, yearn for this feeling in a relationship. I find that men who are avoidant types like myself, lack any sense of self-awareness and come off quite the opposite as highly defensive individuals who have no clue why they can't trust others in relationships. In other words, they're clueless about attachment styles, let alone that feeling safe is what they lacked growing up. Thank you for making these educational videos that help both men and women reflect and grow towards change in ourselves as opposed to (us) expecting others to meet needs we sometimes aren't aware we even have. Hope this made sense.

[@lisacollins9884]

It makes sense ❤

[@MartaHobzova]

I really like how detailed this video is - showed me a clear picture and examples what "sharing your expectations and needs" looks like in practice.

[@kristinahaugen5534]

Spot on! I have to feel relaxad and true to myself in order to help my avoidant darling to be able to trust me and open himself up! Love you! ❤️

[@ryans_ambition]

Your video good sir hit the nail on the head. I have never heard anything more clearer and what exactly sounds like me. This is crazy. I am a Marine Corps veteran and it feels like such a relief to hear what you are saying.

[@Seraphina93]

Leaving this for the next person. I was called an „obsessed psycho“, „jealous“ (I asked if his ex knew they were broken up), „delusional“, etc., so the transition from avoidant to psychopath (not clinical term I assume) seems smooth, he left and came back 2-3 times and if I was 1% braver I would contact his ex and ask if she knows I exist(Ed), but I’m too scared of him for that. If your dude verbally abuses u like mine did „when he was stressed“, please let him go. They escalate often. Just putting this here. I’m a mature, soft person so I definitely don’t go around being abusive, all I asked was „hey this seems weird she was ok w the break up? Just like that?“ and he exploded on me for weeks until finally leaving. Do it better, don’t take them back ok

[@normanbarton3468]

Never knew that there was a definition for the way I distance myself from the woman I'm dating until she gives me all the right reasons to trust her.

[@bobbylacy2374]

But, you really still don't trust her fully, do you?

[@msredcurtains]

Are you trustworthy? Or do you just expect others to be trustworthy?

[@martinadrigo4692]

There is nothing secure about this "secure partner". It's people pleasing, pure and simple. Unless it comes to you naturally, so it also fullfill your needs.

[@margotmaven1052]

If only it were so, Adam. Many of us here have done what you suggest... we have tried to show our avoiding partner the love caring and understanding you discuss here. You said that you have help for the avoidant in some videos and I will look for them. After everything I've been through relationships with 2 avoidants in a row, this is what I have learned: An avoid MUST know that he is an avoidant. Only then can he begin to see the sabotaging patterns that have emerged in his life. No amount of understanding by a partner is going to fix and avoidant. They have to fix themselves. That means counseling and a lot of self-reflection. Please don't ask us to do all the work. There's not a magic bullet coming from non avoidant partner's directions. I would love it if you would come up with a video to send to the avoidant to open his eyes so that he can start to heal.

[@jesd5578]

It’s a beautiful video. Lovely & hopeful stories you have shared!!! WARNING:- these happy endings will not be commonplace. It takes YEARS in most cases, especially where no therapy is involved. It’s a big fat MAYBE. Is the MAYBE MAN worth it? He may never change. Please remember- these happy experiences expressed are of men who have been humble enough to go to therapy. Most men will NOT do this. If you have someone who is *willing* to do this therapy, that’s definitely a great sign. Then it’s very hopeful. But it is very rare. And this guy’s channel is only talking about people who have been humble enough to do therapy. Wonderful stories. But I think he should be warning the dangers more, cos it is extremely dangerous, when not guided by a professional. Don’t do it alone!!!

[@suziesmith9076]

I had to watch this twice because I thought I was hearing: LADIES LISTEN UP TO THIS SUMMARY. Do all the work to make him feel safe because he does not feel safe in the world. Be his peace, give him his space, meet his needs and eventually he’ll meet yours if you’re patient consistent. If he’s not doing it because you haven’t made him safe. Not because he’s a grown up and hasn’t taken responsibility for his wounds but because you are not safe 😩😩😩

[@jesd5578]

Oh you’re being sarcastic 😅 phew, I hope this dude isn’t actually saying all this, I’m about to watch. It would be too high risk to keep investing all that into an adult who may never change! I agree, he needs to sort his shit out alone

[@azzv.kuskatan]

I hear the same thing

[@thatguywastakenagain]

He is giving advice to the question "I really want this person in my life, what can I do?". If you see this as an attack on yourself and Adam putting the blame on women it is because you choose to.

[@womanhoodisnotacostume7648]

I think so too. It's really about personal choice. If you felt that person worth the fight then get in there, if not simply move on. ​@@thatguywastakenagain

[@saltycat662]

@@thatguywastakenagain That is not a person you should want in your life. That's the problem.

[@divinetimeastrology]

You are doing wonderful work in the world, Adam. I wish you were around when I was a young woman and in love with an avoidant man. But you're here now, and your work is very valuable to me and so many others.

[@thegardinerfamilycreative1156]

Thank you so much! This information is so incredibly valuable, I have been dating a guy off and on now for 14 years!..but every time he has always ended up pushing me away! I am so grateful to be finely learning the skills to help him feel safe with me and be able to settle.💗

[@xxShesARebelxx]

So i heard everything you said and it was absolutely profound and I think you are right, with a caveat. I was/am a textbook anxious style but with profound enlightenment and shadow work done, making fast strides to secure attachment. Now, the man Im in love with is DEEP in the trenches of his dismissive avoidance. I understand every aspect of why now and have clarity and empathy. Now, while i agree with your take here, it is going to take TREMENDOUS energy, work and time for him to dig himself out of his hole and for me to keep up the work to help him through that on my end. All i will get in return for a long period of time will be breadcrumbs, resistance, and being accused of being "holier than thou". So, how is that, at all conducive to me being able to maintain the road to secure attachment, even when Im self fulfilling and have laid boundaries? I know this man loves me, but from a deeply damaged and broken subconscious. How the heck do I take the inevitable backlash that he will start with while he learns to process and rewrite his mind towards emotional stability?

[@bobbylacy2374]

Is he helping you through yours? I love my husband dearly but I've got to the point, after the last 10 of 25 years being Hell (ex-wife invited to his niece's wedding, breaking open the ugly box of feelings he had buried), that I am tired of dealing with the undeserved, intentional acts he's done to hurt me. He's treating me the way she treated him, and I didn't understand WTH was happening to my marriage, or why, until now. You should not backslide into being anxious again or put your own success aside for him. I went through Hell before I met my husband and he met me healed. I won't allow him or anyone else to take that success, my worth, away from me again. You said, "the MAN I'm in love with", not little boy. He needs to step up do this on his own. You can be supportive but empathy is a two-way street. You really can't survive on breadcrumbs and why should you?

[@vv.8927]

I love an avoidant man … most likely an FA - he used to say he finally felt peace with me. Called me “the love of his life” Most likely because I used to be a DA so I recognized some things he may need. I did one thing … that he got upset about broke up with me abruptly. It’s been 3 months and it nearly broke me. Now I’m finally coming out of the other side, he still doesn’t face me, emails me. And I’m getting tired. Honestly not sure I want even want to deal anymore even though I still love him. 😒

[@SK-no2pp]

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you will have a lasting, healthy, fair and fulfilling relationship with them. He called you the love of his life, but are his actions towards you matching his words!? No. Connection doesn’t mean compatibility. He’s conflict avoidant and breaking up with someone abruptly is immature

[@ashton1952]

Not easy, been through something similar. If he's still emailing you there's def something still there. I could be wrong, but believe they have to conquer their stuff and find the resolve to come back to us. Good to be prepared with what to say and do if they do. Hope things get better for you 🙏

[@nohillforahighstepper]

If you plan to continue with him, you will need to determine if you think you can do this for the rest of your life. If you are having serious doubts at 3 months, I would take a very serious look at what you want from your love life. Does this man fit into that? My great-grandmother used to say that a woman's love will grow wherever it is planted. If it is planted in a big pile of horse crap, it will grow there. It won't be healthy but it will grow. If it is planted in fertile soil, it will prosper. If you decide to end it with this man, accept that things just didn't work between the two of you and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

[@BenLWolf]

If you love him, let him go. He's so much better off without you.

[@user-vt3im6iy1d]

You can love him and still choose to move on for yourself fall in love with yourself get to know who you are unapologically read workout Meditate Journal spend time in nature Hiking fishing dancing swimming coloring get dressed up Take yourself on dates Flirt with men then Gradually start dating again If you do all this he will come back Men can feel your energy switch however Sometimes we think we want them back until we fall in love with ourselves then their behavior becomes unattractive It's not about finding the one It's about becoming the one and attracting who you are always meant to be just be patient with yourself and enjoy the journey Because love is inside of you Love is all around you love is beautiful love is magic We are never. Separated in love because we are love❤🥰

[@sarahfara1539]

I partially agree but it takes 2 to tango. The avoidant also needs to make an effort, work on his patterns and also accomodate the differences and imperfections of their partner because they can't always carry the whole weight of the relationship and completely adapt and accomodate his every need. Everyone has an off day sometimes and you can't be someone's peace, consistency and security 24/7 if they don't even give you any consistency and security because of their patterns... The avoidant needs to try hard to show up in a safe and consistent way as well!

[@northofyou33]

Seriously.

[@rose7777]

Very well said ❤❤❤❤

[@bobbylacy2374]

Exactly!

[@JustThinkForASecond]

“Trying to be fair, in a world that’s unfair to them.” That’s definitely a key takeaway. I never thought about myself possibly being an avoidant, but that quote may just make me rethink that possibility.

[@lokidarkbeard2647]

I'm a guy, and you described me and my ideal relationship perfectly

[@ReWildingTheWarriorWithin]

Most concise & accurate explanation & accompanying advice I’ve seen to date. I’m deeply grateful to have come upon your channel; it’s such a valuable resource.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to have you here. I really appreciate your feedback.

[@KathyBuckCali]

Thank you, I appreciate your input and have a greater understanding about my relationship.

[@sheridangreen9857]

Sad that there's so many of us who are single and we offer this harmonious way of being but we are trying to find a peaceful man. So many hurt people in the world unfortunately :(

[@claudiafrers8923]

It's not about ethics imo. Some men cannot help but breadcrumb, stonewall, put no effort and ghost you. We must in this case analyze the risk we assume by failing to walk away. They are addicted to their maladaptive behaviors and you really don't want to get addicted to them. Call them out and get out. Also not all avoidants are this way but many are immature when it comes to love.

[@DarkroomMedia007]

THANK YOU!!! His advise is counter productive. It's cool to identify who the avoidant person is at a textbook sense but getting emotionally enmeshed with them is relationship suicide! You cater to them without reciprocation and appreciation, can't expect more from them, gotta walk on eggshells for them to not scare the delicate bunny away into the woods and constantly fear them leaving? They ghost you at will, they are unreliable, unpredictable, can't accept love and affection? Call you days or weeks later to breadcrumb and jerk you around and disappoint? HECK NAW!! Ain't no body got time for that! True love aint never been that hard, but toxic trainwreck situationships have. lol HARD PASS!!!

[@northshorelight35]

Adam lane, the avoidant whisperer

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love the sound of that!

[@TheWBWoman]

Twice in my life, I've stood by a man when he was in a severe legal situation and if I'd wanted to, I could have made these men's situations worse if I hadn't been in their corner. The first time, I'd only been dating the man a few weeks and he suddenly wanted to take me home to meet his mother after his crisis. The second time, I could have married this man if I wanted - even today, he tells me he still thinks about me all the time and regrets a past action of his that is why we are not a couple/married today. Some men seem to need to see you stand by them in a terrible crisis to know that they can trust you.

[@jenniferhegg4521]

This made me cry my eyez out !! I never heard anything like this in my life. You have opened my eyez and my heart and now I have hope .. thank you so much!

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're most welcome, glad to help! What resonated the most?

[@misfitdiva1459]

Adam you are so very well informed about this subject I cant say enough....i will tell you my story at some point....

[@micheller3731]

You're awesome Adam! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate that!

[@dragonfly1153]

Wow, Adam! Thank you! This is the most relevant, helpful video re: avoidant men EVER. There are still times when I'm so frustrated I want to set my hair on fire for relief, yet when I hear this perspective, I actually feel hopeful. You really explain the whole whole thing so well.The dopamine piece is fascinating. Bravo!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to hear that the video resonated with you and provided some clarity and hope. What specific insights from the video do you find most helpful?

[@littlemercy83]

The way you broke that down was incredible. Thank you for what you do ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. Always happy to help!

[@doraev2055]

Thank you so much for this! The communication processes are simple and clear. Speaking from honesty and a place of compassion for this viewpoint. He asked me to help by being more emotionally stable. I am no longer anxious because I have noticed what he asked me to notice. I deeply identify with this after many failed relationships. I am female, but can also manage my own emotions without external validation. I understand he loves me by his actions. This has helped as he has pointed out my communication style is lacking for him. This definitely helps. I design processes and framework for a living, so this sounds right up my alley. I believe with his input and help we can develop processes to help us communicate more effectively and build towards long-term success. He has expressed many of the sentiments you covered and has provided me with a roadmap to gain his time and attention. Thanks again. I appreciate your work.

[@Sofiahansen_3069]

Your content is incredible useful and so well put together. I pray your channel grows as much as it helps people ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback, I really appreciate it!

[@Ahbhswrzq9221]

You really know what you are talking about and are saying a lot of truth!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you found the information helpful. What has resonated with you the most?

[@rahmasamir909]

The best relationship is with yourself ❤

[@Cross8798]

I’m was extremely anxious before meeting my husband who’s secure attachment. We’ve been together 21 yrs, his love was what gave me assurance and security. Adam is right when you become that one person who makes the individual feel love and security, there’s no feeling like it 👍

[@Sacred_Intuition111]

Your videos are beyond valuable!! Thank you so much ❤❤❤

[@timxoc]

I think this is great advice. As the anxious one in my relationship, it also helped me see some areas where I've been lacking in my own self improvement. For those in the comments saying it didn't work with their avoidant person, keep in mind that there's a lot at play in every relationship, and this will only be helpful if they genuinely want a future with you. Maybe they don't right now, maybe they won't again ever. Sometimes people stay with us out of convenience, even if the relationship is chaotic.

[@elianas5374]

I understand everything you said & agree with most of it. You want to be his safe place, you want to convey positive energy only. However, the part which doesn't convince me about thia video is "imagine you meet someone who tells you what their needs are clearly from the beginning & how to meet them" Ok, I did but then he didn't put any efforts trying to meet my "reasonable needs" - cause avoidants do not really worry about other people's needs WHICH IS THE MAIN ISSUE. What shall I do then ?

[@DarkroomMedia007]

this man is bonkers!! I'm not dealing with a broken man - NEXT!!!!

[@SplendidMisanthropy]

This hit home. Not closely but directly. Thank you.

[@theparisend]

Thank you. I'll do this ❤

[@dakotapeters5654]

This is soooo accurate I've literally thought everything he's said

[@NordiskSeger]

What you tell resonates exactly with my personality and experiences. Constant risk-assessment wherever I go.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm happy to hear this resonates. How does this affect your relationships and circles?

[@NordiskSeger]

@@AttachmentAdam Quite negatively (to say the least). The main reason as to why I have barely gotten involved with any women nowadays, is because I see constant risks. Especially, since I have a lot to lose economically (one divorce or false MeeToo-allegation would ruin me financially and socially) and don't want to end up like my dad, who -after his remarriage - ceased all contact with me and my siblings as well. Just because of that mean-spirited, narcissistic, woman. Plus, I would never, ever feel comfortable talking about my past to any woman that I'm romantically involved with. If I would so at all, because I have also deep insecurities about sex and everything around it. When it comes to friends and acquaintances, I have a few close friends but can't talk to them about above-mentioned problems (as they're even more inexperienced than me, plus they are committed to their religion while I'm quite secular with regards to religion). Since I'm a quite public figure in certain circles, I also feel very uncomfortable talking about personal issues with any of them, as my gut tells me they can't be trusted with keeping a secret. My closest family on the other hand (siblings, mother and nephews), I have a very good relationship with, but certain things I can't even talk with them about as I have felt too ashamed telling certain things, although I certainly know they wouldn't judge or ridicule me for it. Excuse me for the long reply, but this is pretty much how my entire adult life has looked life (I'm now 36 years old).

[@cobragirl15]

Wow. The immediate urge to reach out to him and talk to him this way is overwhelming. Haven't spoken for a month and I know to wait a few months more before even testing the waters. Thanks for this insight. You described him to a freaking T.

[@lisacollins9884]

I truly believe this is an approach I should try with my my avoidant man. I do love him and I know that he worth every ounce of understanding 💕 We have been doing our relationship for two and a half years solid. Things are awesome, but we are learning how to make it work together ❤️ I believe your podcast gives me a deeper understanding of what he goes through on the daily. I am so excited to understand our relationship even more ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad to hear that you're finding value in understanding your relationship dynamics! If you're interested in delving even deeper and building a lasting connection with your avoidant partner, you might want to check out my new "How to Love an Avoidant Man" course: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ - It offers additional insights and strategies that could further enhance your relationship journey. Keep up the great work, and I'm here to support you every step of the way! ❤❤

[@tombingus3984]

Is there anything one can do as an avoidant man to improve without a partner? So you can enter a relationship with less of that baggage?

[@SK-no2pp]

Therapy, counseling

[@romisana]

From what I remember, Adam recommends friendships as a way to start healing insecure attachment. He has videos on how to form healthy friendships here on his channel

[@nohillforahighstepper]

Find Jesus. You can't trust people. They will all fail at some point.

[@ashton1952]

Awareness is half the battle

[@musicallife3981]

Find out what they need and try and meet it or atleast find middle ground if it seems like too much at the start

[@beau8750]

Wow, first time I feel understood, by this man, and myself, I turn to the comments hoping for some support and theres just rejection. Thanks everyone 💔 I'm not a bad person. Been in pain all my life and trying to mitigate the pain I cause to others and they cause to me, so I live in the periphery because I know there's more to feel, I just can't access it. Man I was hoping the comments had a community of understanding, feel pretty despondent now.

[@latchkeykidfilmsLLC]

This was VERY insightful. Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for watching!

[@secretshaman189]

Wow, you really pinpoint the problem. Thank-you for your wonderful work.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad to hear that.

[@linwelch9307]

Adam; This was so clear and helpful. Thank you. I really appreciate it.❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're so welcome! I'm glad it was helpful!❤❤❤

[@romy3582]

Great information. Thank you, sir!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you found the information helpful!

[@ChaosTheBard]

Thank you for these videos. This has helped me in my relationship with my avoidant best friend so that I can understand him better and I don't have as much anxiety when he disappears.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're most welcome, I really appreciate feedback like yours. Which video has been the most helpful so far?

[@ChaosTheBard]

@@AttachmentAdam Anything that teaches me tools for how to talk to him, how to be patient when he disappears. He has been gone for up to two months sometimes, and I will reach out to him every 2 to 3 weeks just to remind him I'm still there, tell him something good that happened recently... He seems to be responding really well to it, although he hasn't stopped disappearing and I suspect he never will. Avoidant types just be like that sometimes. I just try to be appreciative of when he responds and always welcoming, but I do still struggle with the transitions for about the first week after he disappears and the first week when he comes back, so the next time I do get a chance to talk to him. I'm going to let him know I noticed that it's a 'risk' just like you said because I don't want to get to the point where I'm vigilantly searching for the next time he's going to disappear and not be able to enjoy the time we spend together, and while I realize it's a me issue and I need to figure it out, I would probably have an easier time if he has any ideas on how we can work together to make that not an issue so that he can still feel comfortable coming and going as he feels led and I can have peace of mind?

[@lucitheriot2420]

This makes so much sense. 😊

[@boweir6744]

Adam I am a woman who has been married to a man like this for 29yrs....I have been his safe place, I have been there with open heart and mind. With solutoins to help us both feel loved.....To this day he still bases our happiness on weather I keep his emotions safe. Number One priority.

[@rebeccapost1922]

absolutely I agree, mine was 31 yrs of unconditional love and I was his stability, when I left , oh he has regrets because he finally realized what I put into the relationship, his life was peaceful, it’s now a shambles, he realizes now, too little to late, this is not healthy love sorry.

[@antonellafemia6688]

Adam you are amazing!! Greetings from Toronto Canada 🇨🇦

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey, thank you so much for your kind words!

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

This is catching many folks up on how one talks to each other. I realise now how folks without this education develop coping mechanisms like malignant tendencies or anxious, depressed states etc.

[@joydarling9187]

Thank you. I needed to hear this. TODAY. ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad my words reached you at the right time! Take care. ❤️

[@CheezyMamacita]

I cannot wait to try this.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Let me know how it works out!

[@Cj-nz5hn]

Omgosh! Thank you so much! I understand! His issues have a name! Thank you Lord. My guy is a classic! Every thing you said fit. I'm going to watch more of your videos.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wonderful! Thanks for sharing and if you ever need more guidance feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail]

[@waynepolo6193]

One important caveat that should be included here is how to assess when it’s _worth it_ or not to try to keep a particular person in your life. It should never come at the cost of your own mental and emotional wellbeing, and it’s critically important to be aware of when the effort gets to be too one-sided for too long. _Most of all-_ learning to trust when you did _everything you could,_ and not blame yourself for it not being enough. While it’s important to reflect on one’s contributions both positive and negative, it’s vital to recognize when the other person’s inconsistent, unreasonable demands are setting you up for failure.

[@cecilang9721]

You are totally right. And it’s what I’ve been doing but it’s clear now that I am probably the love of his life but he is not of mine. Does that make sense? Because I’m also avoidant. But I grow and learn and change and improve every day and every week, and he is but soooo slooowly that at some point I’m just going to distance myself the heck out of there. Nobody has time for this. And he will regret not trying harder and I will have no regrets. It seems callous to say it, but it’s true. And I want to point out that the amount of self control it takes to control not only your own emotions as a damaged person but also monitor and keep track of the emotions of the other damaged avoidant is so astronomical that for most people I would not advise it. It is unachievable UNLESS you are securely attached and just looking for ways to unlock the avoidant. So you are absolutely correct on that too. Anxiously attached people, you can’t do it. Get yourself in order first.