Listening Course and other classes: www.alexanderlyon.com Try a Free short course in Essential Professional Communication Skills: www.alexanderlyon.com/free-resources
@HIGHLANDER_ONLY_ONE9 ай бұрын
❌️ I have adult ADHD, and I bulldoze people out of conversations, and always feel bad after it's over. I get anxious around silence between people, so I end up "entertaining" by talking - in an author of non fiction, abs fiction books, and it's highly creative. Because I love learning, and hyper fixate on many topics I find intetesting, I know a lot about many topics. The point is, I understand that it's better for me to shut up, and let others talk - I do not talk, when I'm watching hundreds of videos per month on a YT, so why can't I do it with humans in front of me? It's impulsive, the same when people have a tremendous craving for something in the fridge they should not eat, and lose control and end up eating it all. So yes, I'm here to learn to be better at conversations, and learn to mask my ADHD traits. I love people, and it hurts me to think, they may think I'm being disrespectful. Thank you for these videos, and would you dedicate some of these to people like me please? Much love!!! 👍👍❌️
@user-rv2qx9yy9x2 ай бұрын
I struggle similarly (without the excuse of vast reservoirs of knowledge continually spilling over) and I reckon I've been underestimating the problem. Rather than just constantly trying "to do it right" in a live setting, perhaps better treat it like any other skill, needing to be broken down into progressively more difficult stages each with their tailored exercises - so this means both coming up with such a programme and finding sympathetic people to practice with.
@MattyJamesJams4 жыл бұрын
Me: let's watch a video on how to listen better! Also me: immediately scrolls down to the comments, gets distracted, and stops listening
@ricamaem.portillas2493 жыл бұрын
so me...
@growingtruedisciples3 жыл бұрын
🤣😆
@celestinac1105Ай бұрын
This just happened to me n your comment was the first I read loooool 😂
@geraldineramos5381 Жыл бұрын
One of the main barriers that most affects my listening is preoccupation because I often think about many other things I have going on in my mind daydreaming to the point where I forget to actually listen to the speaker. An example of this can be when I was once at school sitting in my math class and im thinking about how hungry I am and what im going to do after school while the teacher is explaining something important. Then all of a sudden I hear her say, “Ok, now im going to call on someone to answer the question” and because I was too busy thinking about other things, I never payed attention to the teacher and when the teacher called on me all I could do was just sit there looking all clueless and say “I don’t know”.
@user-lg9qt4mg7f9 ай бұрын
Same, daydreaming is a main problem of mind. sometimes I'm just listening to the teacher and the next thing I know; I break out of it and see that an hour has passed! It's very distracting.
@christophewakim35873 жыл бұрын
3 days ago I was a talking to a Syrian refugee trying to know him and he was not a good communicator and I got a little bit sad but thanks for clarifying this we should talk to other with compassion. Thanks Alex keep on the good work. I am practicing the tips to become a better listener therefore a better leader.
@DrJonTam3 жыл бұрын
Timestamps: 1:18 1 Distractions 1:45 2. Preoccupation 2:20 3. Too focused on details 3:00 4. The topic 3:51 5. Rebuttal tendency 4:27 6. The speaker
@emilywatttson81692 жыл бұрын
1 distractions 2 preoccupation 3 too focused on details 4 the topic 5 rebuttal tendency 6 the speaker
@user-lg9qt4mg7f9 ай бұрын
Out of the total six barriers to effective listening, I would say that Distractions is one of the barriers that effect my listening. One time I was listening to a lecture in middle school during English class, my phone dings which meant the I got a text. For the rest of the lecture, I spent it texting my friend which caused me to stop paying attention to the teacher. This caused me to not understand the assignment that we were given, which caused me not to do it and that caused me to fail it. This why I turned off notifications for texting so that way I cannot get distracted anymore.
@AlexJulian-rz8ozКүн бұрын
I know this video is old and I had a horrible situation where I was totally in the wrong because I kept talking and wasn’t being a solid listener. It went totally south and I spent hours after leaving the salon trying to figure out what happened. And i stumbled upon this’s channel and realized how very little i do actually listen and how bad my body language is. I might be walking into a write up or possibly even losing my job. But these videos actually helped me so much. Thank you
@alexanderlyonКүн бұрын
I'm glad that the old videos are still helpful! I'm still posting new videos too. Take a look at the *_videos_* tab on my channel page.
@shorarobert7476 Жыл бұрын
Thank you Dear Sir I agree with you about the barriers of Effective Listening My case are : Distractions , Preoccupation , Focused on the details , The topic then the Speaker Thanks
@jenagershon28446 жыл бұрын
Distractions, Preoccupation, Rebuttal Tendency for sure
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Rebuttal tendency used to be a very strong one for me. Preoccupation is still a struggle.
@donnamariewilliams82612 жыл бұрын
Ha! This was listed as additional study material for my Group Dynamics class. Perhaps I should have waited until tomorrow morning. It’s 11:05pm and I just spent the last 7 hours revising an APA style paper about addiction in order to get it submitted to my Emotion and Motivation class before the deadline at midnight.. I’m listening a second time in the morning! You have a new follower.. now, what did you say? Ha!!
@Iksvomid2 жыл бұрын
Coach, you've outdone yourself. I am thinking of calling you the Speak King!
@geriamims4035 Жыл бұрын
All of them are my biggest barrier!🤦🏾♀️ .... I'm working on this problem.
@deniseward0022 жыл бұрын
That was a good list of barriers. I find people are not very good communicators these days, they do focus on details and completely ignore the message you want to get across. I have a problem with people rebutting me as soon as I open my mouth. I think it's because I say things that they've never heard of before. Rather than listen they rebut. Very frustrating. I like the points you made - yes just listen to the person and try to get a feel from where' they're coming from. So many great tips. Cheers!
@lindadaly50072 жыл бұрын
I enjoyed your bloopers. This video was assigned by my professor for a Communications class. I enjoy your videos immensely.
@nandhinikrishnan88853 жыл бұрын
Rebuttal tendency is the one I could relate the most!
@thundered7775 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your videos coach Lyons... always good to get a refresher on what constitutes effective communication/listening skills
@kaylaz.68011 ай бұрын
I like your last minutes. They are the highlights. hahaha
@Wiintb Жыл бұрын
That is a great list. For me it is 1-6 Also, another derivative is “Repetition /sharing known information”. Also, long boring talks.
@mbmb774 жыл бұрын
Working on all of them, these are spot on! Love the bloopers, too funny!
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
Thanks, MB.
@HarshVardhanThiraniHVT6 жыл бұрын
Another great video, Alex! You're doing an amazing job!
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words.
@devangpatel49644 жыл бұрын
Great one...I faced Rebuttal Tendency while listening...thanks for sharing this informal words...
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
Thanks for listening.
@anik3822 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for sharing your coaching videos on KZbin
@jalisakay81774 жыл бұрын
I for one have endured all of these barriers
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
I have, too, at one point or another. You're not alone on that for sure.
@vilmabock4786 жыл бұрын
Working on Drift as of right now! 🌹 Thank you Mr. Lyon 🍃
@shalleechong59183 жыл бұрын
Very good video and helpful, thank you! Love to works on all of them! Distractions, Preoccupation, Too focused on details. Love the way you explain, I am working on how to be a good listener, i want to master the listening skills.
@afterfivedelers5841 Жыл бұрын
My problem is that I always focused so much on getting the details of the message and this is one thing I will work on
@abulqasimasadi57824 жыл бұрын
Hi Alex, thanks for these very useful listening advices. I personally do get caught up in the details and easily forget or fail to realise the bigger picture. Also, I love the last piece of advice you gave, about having a level of compassion and respect for the speaker as a human being that does go a long way in life. That speaker/person may become a good friend or you may have to see him/her a lot for any reason at work etc. So, I believe compassion is at the core of true listening.
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing, Abul.
@gabyeap19906 жыл бұрын
My most biggest barriers to effective listening are "Focused on details with the mixture of "Drift"." Sometime I do have this tendency in the lecture or whilst I was attending a talk.
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Hi, Gabriel. Thank you for sharing that example.
@HunterTheNoobOfficial2 жыл бұрын
thank you so much this helped me with my homework
@mllekhl5 жыл бұрын
What about egoism? I believe this should go in the list. I often think that what I have to say is more important. So I rush people in finishing their bla bla only to give me time to talk. Any piece of advice for this? Thanks.
@alexanderlyon5 жыл бұрын
I agree. When we are self-centered, that can really be a barrier. The key is empathy, to put yourself in the other person's shoes. To try to image what life is like from their position. I have another video on effective listening that gets more into tips for how to do it well. kzbin.info/www/bejne/f6i6m5KJm6mjsMk
@user-tv6zj2pp3h Жыл бұрын
learning so much
@anik3822 жыл бұрын
My most common barriers are preoccupations, being focused on details, and rebuttal tendency
@adlinmedina64396 жыл бұрын
Probably all of them are my biggest barriers. Thank you for making this video! You are awesome!
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Thank you for the encouragement. :-)
@adlinmedina64396 жыл бұрын
You deserve it :)
@okeyobrian88074 жыл бұрын
Preoccupation is a major problem to me sir. Any guidance? I will appreciate, thanks. Meanwhile, you are my best teacher so far on these topics on communication skills.
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
I have a few other listening videos on the channel. Feel free to check them out.
@G.D.19684 жыл бұрын
All of them .... but drift and rebuttal most of all.
@abdulhafizbozdag29885 ай бұрын
Thanks
@jacquelinehurt2344 Жыл бұрын
Ok got it
@geneanthony34213 жыл бұрын
I manage to hit all 6 in most conversations
@alexanderlyon3 жыл бұрын
I hear you. You're not alone, Gene.
@DoEmDirtyDj3 жыл бұрын
Oh nice! Best tip to do when you're not interested is to take an interest! Great tip!
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
What barrier is a big issue for you?
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Thank you! :-)
@vilmabock4786 жыл бұрын
Communication Coach Alex Lyon The bluppers were FUNNY!!! 🌞 Thanks 🌷🍭🌷
@dannylojkovic52053 жыл бұрын
I’d say all of them. At work I get too focused on details, and when talking to other people I begin to find what they’re saying is boring/uninteresting so I drift off into my head and think about things I actually like. I really need to work on it. My parents thought I might have ADD as a kid, then it turned out my brain is fine, I just get bored with what people are saying. Somehow I still have relationships
@bettyswift361 Жыл бұрын
This helps a lot
@phoenixsimone62762 жыл бұрын
Omg!! 🤣🤣🤣The Bloopers are everything!!!!!!!❤️ your teaching are a gem! I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have you. I don't have guidance
@caitlinrose914 жыл бұрын
Distractions, preoccupation, and a little bit of a rebuttal tendency. I am easily distracted by sounds.
@abundancefaith61485 жыл бұрын
Preoccupation is my major challenge.
@alexanderlyon5 жыл бұрын
Hi, Abundance Egbe. True for me, too. I have 1,000 things on my mind and it's hard to focus on what the other person is saying.
@tonyamhillrios2410 ай бұрын
Distractions, OMG I run several business so I have 2 phones personal and business I have two ear buds in one my computer (law student) one my phones and this is bad my personal is reading texts messages. My personal life suffers even though my successful life thrives. My children always says I don't listen to them or pay attention to them and they are right. I finally figured this out when they were texting me on the same couch but I was on my computer and on my business phone, and all she wanted to say was good night and she loved me. Now I make time 1 day a week for my husband and one for my kids I lock my phones and computers turn them off put them in a safe at the end of the day money is everything listening being there NO OTHER STUFF IN MY EARS is everything my family, I really lost every friend I had because of this.
@workinganimator39902 жыл бұрын
Good teacher
@alexanderlyon2 жыл бұрын
Thank you!
@alexarias43784 жыл бұрын
Rebuttal tendency, and drifting.
@TheChurchOfPhakeKnewz4 ай бұрын
Do you have a video outlining how to design a presentation that resists people from drifting when they’re listening?
@nasrinali23284 жыл бұрын
Thanks Alex for your amazing videos. They are all helpful, informative and sensational. 👌🏽🙏🏻👏🏻
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
Glad you like them, Nasrin. :-)
@paulchukwuebuka31165 жыл бұрын
Preoccupation and Rebuttal Tendency....
@alexanderlyon5 жыл бұрын
Yup. Me too on preoccupation.
@anandveersinghyadav38034 жыл бұрын
Preoccupation........surely im am filled with many own ideas.
@asoulunderthestars8 ай бұрын
I struggle in general with preoccupation in the mind and having a rebuttal tendency. How do we manage the preoccupation?
@imovies6217 Жыл бұрын
The berriers that i already know it’s the point one to two.
@akanshabhandari2 жыл бұрын
Great content. Glad , I get to know your page.
@shashankna22633 жыл бұрын
preoccupation and to focused on details
@vamsikrishna94006 жыл бұрын
Too much focus is my main barrier !! How to overcome it???
@unknown-vp3ts3 жыл бұрын
I can't go on focusing the topic
@azadawampk Жыл бұрын
Preoccupied
@morganmerrill69053 жыл бұрын
Distraction and rebuttal
@felizaespiritu5286 Жыл бұрын
Good video
@kulveerkaursandhu59313 жыл бұрын
Distractions, Rebuttal Tendency
@sarahmestiri18554 жыл бұрын
I think I focus a lot on the details and also rebuttal tendency
@shantiKaur-c9gАй бұрын
preoccupation is my problem. real problem
@jamesk65414 жыл бұрын
Love the outakes..
@zainvpcreation18214 жыл бұрын
It’s very useful video
@mandymariposa72694 жыл бұрын
Drift one word and I make up a whole story in my head...complete with special effects
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
Ha! Classic.
@neelisrikanth74492 жыл бұрын
Preoccupation and focusing more on details are my problems. Probably I am having this defect how can I over come out of this sir? I mean more ways to improve myself to come across over this defect,what kind of exercises or practices you suggest me ?
@samanthaaguiar98582 жыл бұрын
The barriers that most effects my listening might have to be distractions. A time where I could not pull focus on what was being shared would have to be when I have my phone around me and I’m tempted to look at it and see what’s on it. The barrier that caused me the inability to focus would have to be my phone because I’m used to being on it and when I’m not it feels strange and weird. The outcome of not having listened would be that I would end up confused on what we’re doing at the moment or what the professor is teaching about.
@geraldineramos5381 Жыл бұрын
Distractions can also be a barrier to listening for me too especially when there is technology around me. I get so tempted to just check my phone constantly even if someone else is speaking.
@user-lg9qt4mg7f9 ай бұрын
Distracts are also a barrier for me, it's either my sound or sound, its mostly the phone because it's the thing that's most distracting.
@syblusyt922511 ай бұрын
Preoccupation
@tejas293319 күн бұрын
Preoccupation
@jessicabreal47845 жыл бұрын
preoccupation & rebuttal
@alexanderlyon5 жыл бұрын
Thanks for comment. I get preoccupied myself.
@forzatrentino3 жыл бұрын
All of the above :)
@TGPNOBITA3 жыл бұрын
Superb
@ummanzeybek40063 жыл бұрын
preoocupation is a huge barrier for me and it is unintentionally happens ,you know.Any advice?
@marshacreary24426 жыл бұрын
#5 Is the rebuttal tendency attached to stress or other triggers associated by whats being said?
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Yes, Marsha. That could be one cause that heightens our tendency to want to launch into a rebuttal. When talking about a topic that is important to us (whether we agree or disagree with what is being said), we're more likely to get fired up and jump right in. That could be a version of stress or excitement. Another cause is the listener's personality. Some people are very quick to speak whereas other people reflect for a few extra seconds. Very outgoing people (and I put myself in that category) are more likely to anticipate the end of the other person's talking turn and have their next thought geared up and ready to express. So, there are various overlapping reasons we do this, some internal and some external. Thanks for the question. It is an interesting topic to dive into a bit more.
@anninditaptr22774 жыл бұрын
Hello Coach. It is a very good video that helps me a lot to do my assignment. I'm still confused about mental and physical distractions in listening. Would you mind explaining to me the examples of these two distractions? Thank you a lot^^
@aliahallanodin85992 жыл бұрын
I think I always preoccupied of things that is why I can't focus to the speaker.
@AR-wy2dz3 жыл бұрын
Hello Alex I belong to preoccupation drift category, this is holding me back, could you please provide me the solution for this.
@c.abinashbhuyan4983 жыл бұрын
I started thinking (researching( about the topic, what speaker is talking about. So, I miss the other part of lecture...how to deal with that?? Plz. Help me. I think it is comes under focus in detail type of distraction.
@alexanderlyon3 жыл бұрын
Hi, Abinash. I have a handful of videos on listening now. If you search for my name, *_Alex Lyon_* , plus the word *_listening_* or *_listening skills,_* I'm sure KZbin will list my videos.
@called2worship7403 жыл бұрын
What is the solutions to preoccupation?particularly thinking about the next thing and drifting
@alexanderlyon3 жыл бұрын
There is no one solution to that, Patricia. But, I do have several other videos on various listening skills that get beyond the various barriers. Feel free to take a look.
@vyomgupta75236 жыл бұрын
nice video brother
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Thank you! :-)
@skionen17816 жыл бұрын
Rebuttal tendency I find I struggle with, not all the time just sometimes. Any tips for that? Thanks for sharing your videos I really enjoy them
@alexanderlyon6 жыл бұрын
Hi again, skione. The rebuttal tendency is a habit and a hard one to break because it starts with a shift in thinking. My question is this, what is your main goal when you are listening to the person? What is causing you to want to jump in with your rebuttal? The mindset we have really drives the way we act. The ideal mindset would be to say to yourself, "Just listen and make sure you really understand what they are getting at accurately and completely. I want to really hear them and let them know that I hear them." That mindset will change how you see your job as a listener. Then, make it your goal to follow up after they have ended their talking turn by saying something like "Let me see if I've heard you. It sounds like you're saying . . ." and then accurately and fairly restate their case. Don't try to twist their words even in the slightest bit. Just focus on them.
@vilmabock4786 жыл бұрын
Communication Coach Amazing wisdom. This is not just knowledge. Thank you.🍃
@chetanr813 жыл бұрын
preoccupation...drift
@tayseerbadran17203 жыл бұрын
Barriers to effective listening Distractions The speaker The topic Rebuttal Focused on details Preoccupation I struggle the most with Focused on details, the speaker and the topic. Sometimes I struggle with preoccupation too.
@helenlee9934 Жыл бұрын
Hi, I am hard of hearing. During this pandemic when everyone is wearing a mask (and I'm a lip-reader), imagine how hard it is for me to try to "listen" to what others are saying especially when they're too soft or not speaking clearly or mumble. How can I nicely tell the person it's hard for me to hear him/her and wants to end the conversation? Haha
@bijalsavla6835 жыл бұрын
Probably rebuttle because I keep forgetting to listen carefully and still interrupt as you said listen to understand not to respond please help me how to improve it completely .
@alexanderlyon5 жыл бұрын
Yeah, that's a big one. I have another video on effective listening skills. That one gives more direct tips on how to listen.
@bijalsavla6835 жыл бұрын
@@alexanderlyon thanks for responding my comments I really appreciate it
@user-ie9fg1he8p5 ай бұрын
Rebuttal for me
@Murrai14 жыл бұрын
Preoccupation......................
@anaghamgopi24684 жыл бұрын
Hi. I'm from India. Does the term 'barriers to effective listening' have a particular definition?
@alexanderlyon4 жыл бұрын
It's not a special term. It just means what each word means. There are obstacles that we experience that make it hard for us to listen well.
@lisazorro9794 жыл бұрын
ACCUSATIONS OF NOT LISTENING IN COUPLEDOM .... I'm not Lisa Zorro, I'm her fiance, Martin Camden, and we have this problem a lot ~ each accusing the other of not listening and, right now, each accusing the other of not letting the plaintiff other get a word in edgeways !! Then I, the male bridge-bulder, as I like to put it, try to clarify the situation by saying, "Look, darling, either we're both guilty of the same crime here, or one of us is a bigger problem than the other ~ which do you think it is !? ~ to which she replies, "Forget it", to which I reply, "I'm happy to carry on trying to sort this out, AND I can also be happy to forget it (as she's the one with the presenting issue), so by asking me to 'forget it', I'm going to assume that this means we're both happy to end this conversation for the time being unless you say otherwise", to which she says, "Forget it" again, to which I respond, "Deal", which then results in (blissful for me) silence FOR A WHILE !! Then, a little later, she pipes up another presenting issue ~ this time she wants us to spend some of our spare cash on fixing a little cosmetic problem of hers that has been irritating her for a long time. This then reminds me of a clarification to our sometimes updated financial agreement that I had not fully run past her yet, so I vied for my turn to get in edgeways a sufficient number of words ~ a proposal that she immediately agreed to ~ HALLELUJAH !! Then I explained a confusion about our benefits situation that I really should clarify first thing on Manday morning ~ then she told me that it had been HER that had cancelled our JOINT claim under advice from so called 'professionals' !! Then I explained that I would be happy to agree with the benefits people on Monday as to whether we should stay on SEPARATE claims, or switch back to a JOINT claim ~ which she was then also okay about. Then she was okay for me to continue (to get some more of MY words in edgeways), so I started to explain my latest financial plan update so as to gain her approval / agreement ~ and things have now been okay since then ~ but can anyone not see that, despite mutually identical allegations (both not listening / both not letting the other get a word in edgeways), one partner (in this case Lisa) is habitually more difficult than the other, and the other has to remain extremely skilful in gaining healthy resolution, rather than in ending up with the usual 2-way World War 3 histrionics on our hands yet again ~ OMG !! And it's my contention that it's usually the woman who's the problem here in such a way that no third party notices, and such that the man gets the blame coz he's supposed to be the greater bully with threats of bigger muscles, and greater capacity for callousness, being his secret weapons of choice that typically result in the woman being / feeling (allegedly) outmanoeuvred / oppressed ~ and virtually everyone believes this shit although, typically, it's the women who's the bigger problem with the man simply not having the skills to control an out-of-control 'monster' (with an entitlement problem) without everyone thinking HE'S the problem ~ going as far as losing child custody battles unfarly, and then being financially shafted by brainwashed governments / brainwashed legal systems !! Now, sometimes, to too often, to maybe more than 50% of the time, THE PROBLEM MAY BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND ~ but female victims get loads of free resources, where male victims get ignored, and the resultant male suicide rate doesn't seem to matter to anyone either, with female complaints being investigated and acted upon to the hilt, and men being expected just to take it, like the big ugly invulnerable disposable men that (allegedly) they are ~ but, typically, are not !! Who can explain to me where I'm going wrong in my analysis here !? And who can explain what should be done about this God-damned awful mess !? And who can explain why Laura Doyle's answer is not one of the best so far, and who can also come up with some other potentially wonderful solution candidates in favour of family peace, harmony, happiness and maybe even some joy !? ~ see www.lauradoyle.org !?
@ShouttoJesusChrist4 жыл бұрын
Women are already working on the male suicide issue look it up on KZbin. But the men in the comments section hated the poor girl for bringing up the issue on tedtalk so please don't start with no one cares try looking at the people who already doing then complaining like you are. You complain but do nothing. If you cared you would rised money for it. Like the way women and men who cares for black people rights and women rights and children rights to a better life did. They organize raised money communicated found solutions and didn't whine and stop but kept going. That is why they won. So stop your whining and start your organizing. Even little girls in India can organize themselves to stop early child bride taking and you can't come on.
@almedinakahrimanovic8454 жыл бұрын
rebuttal tendency
@avuh2 жыл бұрын
my greatest barrier is destruction from my phone
@unknown-vp3ts3 жыл бұрын
Topic is my biggest loss
@kensprague98022 жыл бұрын
But how can one possibly avoid anxiety and/or rebuttal response when trying to be a better listener to a speaker that loves to attack with assumptions and accusations and then self-victimizes when they are, inevitably, rebutted? This seems a paradox.
@Alphacentauri8192 жыл бұрын
“…loves to attack with assumptions and accusations and then self-victimizes”. It sounds like you perceive attack and assumptions about you, or something you did, and feel a need to set them right, defend yourself? Is that correct? When we are stuck in self protection, over- personalization, we can NOT zoom out, have empathy and actually see what is going on. Sometimes we can also see an attack, if we are hyper defended, where maybe an attack didn’t exist. We will see any criticism (perceived or real) as attack and be in a defensive stance…which is NOT at all able to listen. Hyper defense posturing starts in childhood usually, attachment theory can explain some of the subconscious programming (conditioning) and core wounds that can influence that behavior. Some people can stand solid in who they are in the face of criticism, not take it personally, can validate the others feelings (which is not the same as agreeing, at all) and hear the other person out, ask genuine questions for clarification, and after all that, non-defensively state their position. That type of person is secure in themselves and doesn’t have an intensified ego, or self protective stance, and can “hold space” for another person’s perception without fear of annihilation. They’re solid. That’s exceedingly rare, takes enormous self awareness and emotional intelligence. What would happen if you did just listen? Not over identifying with what they’re saying, but tune into why they are saying it? Become curious about their core wounds that are activated and hence that heightened behavior. Doing a rebuttal to their reality (even if you feel it is “wrong”) will never, ever, ever, have a chance of resolution. It is more likely to solidify everything they were saying (in their mind), not strip it of its power…it’ll have the opposite effect of what you want. It’s hugely invalidating to them. Maybe they’re accusing you of being selfish or similar & you genuinely ask for more info. Asking and listening, does NOT mean you agree…but that you are secure enough to hear them out. Rebuttal means you aren’t. Rebuttal means you need to lambast them & make them wrong. It’s an ego posturing and akin to throwing gasoline on a fire. It doesn’t calm the situation, but will only increase the conflict exponentially. ‘I Hear You’, by Michael Sorensen, is the best book I’ve read on validation. I started in the medical field in 1999, and am now pursuing and advanced degree in neuroscience. I promise you, your approach is the death knell of relationships. I’m not saying the other person is approaching you correctly either…but they’re not here to speak to. Please know that a criticism almost always is a hurt/need, that a person is too afraid to be vulnerable with…and unfortunately it feels “safer” to present it in a prickly package. Then the rejection might not sting as much as an open vulnerable request. Most of this is very subconscious…deep internal narratives and limiting beliefs, past negative experiences, drive these behaviors.