How to actively listen to others | Scott Pierce | TEDxBirmingham

[@theritual23]

I'm A chronic interruptor. I never realized it until I started hearing the other person on the other end of the phone exasperate as I'd not only interrupt but then go on and on. Then I started wondering why my friends stopped calling and it hit me they don't want to talk to me cause I never let them talk. I listened to this video and even books like it cause I want to change. A few things I noticed is I usually think I'm right and am looking for validation, I usually call them with an already made up mind about what I'm sharing with them, but I'm starting to understand and that everything doesn't have go be said. I don't have to fix everything and as the video said I have to give honor to others opinion and their reality and I don't have to fix them. I must sound so egotistical and opinionated and full of myself to others and that's not the case at all. I've always struggled with feeling accepted and feeling unheard as a child but at the end of the day no excuses. I want to talk to people and friends and the great thing is I've just started this journey and when I interrupt someone I notice it quickly and shut up until their finish. So I'm getting better, I'm gonna learn to listen as much as I loved to talk.

[@mikeydizme1]

Powerful. Thank you and all the best. My hand is raised too.

[@raijinsensei]

Thats how i am now i want to improve but i also struggle with finding the energy to put forth the effort to improve myself. I hate to say it but i really think im just a terrible person because i keep having this thought of “why should i improve or change for others if i barely even care enough to do it for myself?” Idk maybe im broken or theres too much wrong with me

[@MyBlissfulJourney]

That is such an amazing self reflection. I too am a chronic interrupter.

[@susancollyer6186]

I've done that & realized it was the way I grew up and I just was an excellent student! 🥰😇🙏

[@picklepirate]

I’m at this video because I’m going through the same thing ❤

[@georgeb8637]

3:52 - make your scene partner look good, avoid asking questions, be present, use details 6:39 - conflict results in lack of understanding 6:49 - we are just shouting - if we are presenting our own points of view 6:57 - when I can accept another persons reality - then I can communicate, then I can learn 7:22 - pause and breath when confronted with a point of view that I do not agree with (I reflexively want to deny) 7:38 - if it’s scary - then I can form a bond with that person 9:02 - I simply be present, what is their body language telling me 13:15 - it fulfilling to fully listen and actively listen to someone’s struggle 13:20 - it’s supportive, it’s healing

[@gracezhou7906]

So nice and amazing summarize! Inspiring!

[@georgeb8637]

@@gracezhou7906 Thank you Grace - you just reminded me to review this video. Have an amazing day

[@haleyhelphinstine]

Thank you for this!! It is so helpful

[@lol-vo2yc]

As a horrible listener, this makes me VERY angry, so so very angry, but he’s right; without listening to the other person, giving yourself the time to pause to accept their reality, there’ll never be a bond. Just shouting independent POVs without debate or dialogue. I feel so called out, but I know I need this.

[@willclark1219]

I’m 8n the same boat with you, I’m about to loose a wonderful relationship because I’m so bad at listening.

[@scottpierce1279]

Hey, it's OK! Give yourself some grace; it took me years of active practice to even get the little skill I've gleaned. Be intentional in your listening; that's a good start.

[@sausagegabbagoochi1959]

I got the same problem where are you from must be up north thing…..Wait give me five seconds to except your reality

[@leeannakligis4393]

I feel you! I turned 33 yesterday and my goal is to slow down and listen 💙

[@sausagegabbagoochi1959]

@@leeannakligis4393 I turn 33 tomorrow 1989 must not be a coincidence guess that’s means we should grab a coffee ☕️ or talk about food or whatever you feel is efficient. But yea all jokes aside I really turn 33 tomorrow. Jesus age. Too funny.

[@garra12]

I didn't understand what Mr. Pierce meant by 'action' when listening until he said that last line. I fully understand now. Taking action when listening is about dropping our expectations and fully accept another's perspective as their own.

[@larissavia6969]

THIS SPEECH IS SO VALUABLE! I've done improv before and not only was it amazing and hilarious, but it transformed my life - just what he was saying. This was after a 6 week course. It flipped a switch in my brain to present, listen, build not destroy the space...I miss improv!

[@scottpierce1279]

I'm biased, but I think *EVERYONE* should take an intro to improv course - for this exact reason!

[@MuxiangP]

I thought improv was to help us become funny too, but after attending some improv classes, I realized that listening, improvising, collaborating, and supporting the scene partner is the key meaning of improv. Great talk!

[@jasongarcia9452]

This is what I'm struggling with now in a relationship and it hit me square in the face. The pausing part is amazing and a true. I will listen to this to bond with my partner.

[@scottpierce1279]

Jason, there's also an interesting therapeutic exercise called an Imago Dialog that can help give you some structure to those kinds of conversations. You might check it out. Full disclaimer: I'm not a therapist, I've just done a lot of therapy :D

[@jasongarcia9452]

@@scottpierce1279 Thank you I will check this out...

[@papaslider6079]

I feel like I have been ruining my relationships with others, throwing away everything they tell me, because often, what people say to me goes in one ear and out the other. I keep amounting this to stress, because I’ve been suffering from anxiety and depression since late high school. But I think I understand now that it through my constant obsessing with what I’m going to say and how I’m going to make myself appear likeable that I’m not being myself. As a result my self-confidence and self-respect have plummeted, and my anxiety is worse than ever. I know myself to be a good person, and that is reflected in what my loved ones and friends say about me. But I’ve noticed a disconnect between what those loved ones say about me and how I act when I’m not around them. And I’m starting to think that my constant anxiety over making myself appear like that person is preventing me from being that person. I never thought about clearing my mind and tearing down those biases so that I can listen, accept what people are saying, and respond with whatever is natural. For the first time in a while, I feel like I understand how to be an active listener. Just stop trying to listen, and listen. Break it down to its core components. Yes (accept) and (respond).

[@scottpierce1279]

I'm so glad you were able to pull something of value from my talk. Give yourself some grace as you do this work!

[@jerryweajs]

Wow. This is so apt. You just narrated "ME" and gave me a solution. Thank You

[@scottpierce1279]

@@jerryweajs glad you found value! Pass it on :)

[@jeddenny1914]

This comment is so valuable to me. Your situation is very similar to the one I’m currently facing. I hope you’re doing well on your journey. I’ve realized my issues and now I want to truly listen and start my own journey. Thank you

[@eab174]

What an important teaching. I'm beginning to learn how to let people make mistakes and fail, and to give them the space and encouragement to grow from it, and to find joy in that process. The Miles Davis story is a beautiful example.

[@scottpierce1279]

I absolutely love that story. Miles was such a strong, fiery presence. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like for Herbie in that moment!

[@Christian_Prepper]

MY NOTES: Last listened 9:03 Miles Davis & Herbie Hancock. Herbie once played the wrong note during a set. A note that was so bad that the instant Herbie played it he lifted his hands off the keyboard and covered his ears. Rather than stop all music, or point out the mistake, Miles immediately played a series of notes that caused Herbie's bad note sound correct and acceptable. The answer is always "yes, and" (agree with what is said or done, then add to it). Avoid questions about what has already been presented. Use details and environment and try not to be funny.

[@scottashe984]

After watching about 20 TedTalks over the years I've come to realize that anybody can showcase their own TedTalk.

[@ladymiranda]

Have been researching and actively studying listening for the past few months, and maybe by now my mindset has shifted, but it was so nice to not have too much of a sentimental talk (coming from someone who is veeeeeeery sentimental) but more so technical and fun. Thank you!

[@حساممحمد-ه6ر4ي]

can you help ne please

[@ShyamkrishnanNair]

I totally agree! Making your scene partner look good transforms the conversation. I once focused on understanding another's viewpoint during a debate, and it was eye-opening. It's funny how easy it is to shout opinions instead of listening. Embracing different realities can lead to deeper connections. The Sense of Humor Improvement Program by Habit10x showed me that pausing during disagreements is a game changer. Stay present; truly listening can be incredibly fulfilling and healing for everyone involved!

[@somebody732-s2h]

This was brilliant! Give someone a note so they can sing a song!

[@thanhtu-nguyen5426]

Thank you Scott, for me, its a most beautiful talk I ever had in my life. So inspring, thank you one more time.

[@alibeaumont-filder3185]

Thank you for opening my mind , and making me truly realise what I need to do in the future.

[@DragonflyTodd]

How has this worked for you?

[@brownsugashawty]

I’m here in these comments specifically to help me communicate effective listening to my bf. He’s not a good listener & more so likes to be the one talking. He listens to respond, not to listen & understand. You never fully learn anything from anyone or about anyone if you don’t listen to them. Feeling kinda frustrated atm & I feel like idk how to communicate how to listen more than I already have. So I’m here.

[@tariqzk6964]

I don’t interrupt people. I know how to fake listen. But I literally and with all seriousness cannot focus with everything being said in meetings

[@thepowerofhelpingwithreube4407]

What a story. Allowing people to continue in their flow when they are talking is so important. I talk about this in my latest video, but it's seriously something so important that I've learned through counselling training.

[@حساممحمد-ه6ر4ي]

can you help me please

[@thepowerofhelpingwithreube4407]

@@حساممحمد-ه6ر4ي with?

[@حساممحمد-ه6ر4ي]

l want speak English

[@scottpierce1279]

Absolutely agree. In workshops I've used variations of Imago Therapy's Intentional Dialog to help people build those skills

[@kalebchoi6372]

What an underrated ted talk

[@jeremiestern]

Amazing video. Being a fond of improv myself, this presentation really speaks volumes, so thanks to this seemingly very nice and profound person for sharing his knowledge.

[@preciousqasha1992]

What a wonderful presentation. I loved it! Thank you Scott Pierce

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you so much!

[@rolveger]

Great speech. Great to think about the meaning of emptyness.

[@janiceraj1]

This is by far the best way I have heard communication and active listening described. Genius!!!! Thank you

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you so much!

[@mariammassoudi8602]

Fantastic the way he connects improv to all the communication approaches out there! Valuable. Thank you.

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you!

[@milkymalk2963]

Great speech, painted the message like musical chords

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you! What a lovely way to describe it :)

[@DragonflyTodd]

How have you been able to apply this to your every day life?

[@DragnPiano]

I love the comment of emptying yourself!

[@jettsetgirl]

The best Police interrogations always are with Detectives that are actively listening . They allow the person to speak AND they retain the information. No preconceived expectations of how it’s going to go . If they are guilty they will get tripped up when you ask a follow up question to what they said 10 minutes ago in their “story “ If their innocent it’s a recollection of the facts of what happened .. that being said always get a lawyer 😂 before you speak to the police

[@lavdoria510]

i need to explain active listening to my class and i wonder if the teacher will notice if i just translate this ted talk instead of making my own thing

[@scottpierce1279]

Go for it :)

[@daireks]

this presentation is super underrated

[@HappinessTheBrand]

Beautifully written.

[@tylxr999]

Really glad to have heard this. Thank you!

[@BeeHappy968]

If not talking to someone (giving the silent treatment) is punishment, so is not listening.

[@Davidurla]

I started my Journey with Amazon in TRMS, damn this is one of the videos they showed on Day-1. Role is super Challenging, My Team is so Productive & Supportive. Work Environment is just Perfect.

[@scottpierce1279]

Wow really? I'm glad people are finding value in my talk!

[@gueaja817]

Belajarlah mendengarkan. Sebetulnya dengan belajar mendengarkan orang lain, kita akan mendapatkan banyak hal baru yang dapat berguna bagi kehidupan kita. Dan, sbg umat Islam tetap harus berpegang pada Qur'an dan hadits. Rasulullah SAW bersabda: "Aku tinggalkan ditengah-tengah kalian dua perkara. Selama kalian berpegang teguh dengan keduanya tidak akan tersesat selama-lamanya, yaitu Kitabullah (al-Qur'an) dan Sunnahku (hadits)". (HR. Malik; Al-Hakim dan Baihaqi).

[@TH-eb5ro]

Great talk. I notice the reframing with a person who answers 'No' and then changes and sometimes agrees in their reply most of the time. It is as if they are verbally negating my perspective. It does cause me to doubt that they are listening and I do feel it is a power issue.

[@scottpierce1279]

Indeed! I really try to shy away from putting a value judgement on using "No" - it's a valid response in many situations! However, I want people to understand what *happens* when they respond with "no" and how it affects the dynamics between two people.

[@gayatrigovalvanshinanda6921]

Well Presented Being active listener is the key.

[@douglasheinl250]

Very good, thank you so much.

[@scottpierce1279]

Thanks Douglas!

[@joeleo7777777]

Wonderful. Thank you.

[@AVIJITDAS-ty4ki]

Thank you sir very well presentation.

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you!

[@derekhauffe7197]

Excellent, Pierce!

[@ramsesrameez5430]

When it doesn't means to you even you have spoken that words they were forgotten as you divert your mind into other process.

[@Metaphyical0samak]

Thank you universe

[@drtaraknathchattopadhyay1776]

Valuable speech.

[@lt.r.b.chaudhary4328]

Wonderful presentation really very nice

[@itstokoza]

Starting this tedx with miles and herbies story is so iconic 🖤

[@krishnadaiya2788]

Very direct and effective style!

[@devarajuakil1068]

Thank you sir

[@meghanadharne7438]

Very useful presentation

[@JackieLue]

Pierce, you have most definitely found your calling ;-)

[@Mrmr27398]

why i can't find more content to this man, i keep searching and i got nothing

[@Myślącrozumnie]

Incredibly moving speech. During it, I was thinking about some quote from the book/film "Fight Club". There is a moment , when main character says: "Losing all hope was freedom." Thanks to Scott Pierce's lecture I came to the conlcusion that it may be considered as some kind of motivation maxim. However, it doesn't encourage us to lead meaningless life, but to be present, authentic and to be empty in the way that deprives ourselves from the egoism and expectations. What do you think?

[@meghanadharne7438]

Wonderful presentation thank u

[@Progaming-n5v9l]

amazing

[@Sarvebhavntusukhinah1111]

Really wonderful video

[@chandrashekharupadhyaya6530]

Great🙏🙏.Very interesting to listen

[@Gigislaps]

Great talk. Wow 😯

[@scottpierce1279]

Thanks Emily!

[@archana_gamit]

good video on listening

[@gblwk]

10:10 Amazing! Well said.

[@susancollyer6186]

beautiful

[@AdeelImranr]

thank you for this great talk

[@ravidekani9300]

Very good session.

[@vishnulande7202]

Great speech

[@darrensurff8554]

Thus accepting is true listening 😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮😮

[@mohdshahnawaz.australia]

Absolutely loved this:)

[@حساممحمد-ه6ر4ي]

can you help me pleas

[@bidhanhazra3071]

Thank you sir for nice presentation

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you!

[@dr.surendraparmar2336]

Thanks very much.

[@looli1327]

Worth listening to

[@soundhealingbygene]

so helpful

[@jeanjeune770]

Listen

[@rulerfragnite7836]

Excellent sir

[@myrkaortiz1268]

My therapist sent me this video so here I am

[@terryhogard1090]

How do I remain empathetic when I know they misunderstood or misapplied a word i used. I told my Fiance “you blasted me” (got angry and let me have it). She thought I was saying she posted all of iur business on the internet. When I tried to define what I meant, the argument devolved quickly to, “ I heard what I heard?”

[@dawnqwerty]

I wonder if he watches Would I lie to you? Because that’s the only other place I have heard “i was soon disabused of that notion”

[@scottpierce1279]

I think I've caught a couple of episodes, but if I picked it up from there I don't recall it. Thanks for watching!

[@ItReallyIsiPOD]

I think that it's a fairly common saying. I have heard it several times and I haven't watched Would I Lie to You?

[@biswajitpanda1363]

Thanks

[@c.b.inalli1841]

Well explained

[@shobhaahirrao1866]

Very interesting sr,👍

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you!

[@raghulohiya3883]

Good speech

[@hmgohilsanskrit937]

nice lecture

[@Thetwinkly]

LISTEN WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS. YES AND?

[@AnanyaSankarDebabhutiisthe]

Thank u sir

[@dr.babasahebgore1665]

Very nice.

[@shivu4654]

Thanku sir

[@adithyaadiga10]

Very good video

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you!

[@Prof.Dr.VirenkumarPandya]

Interesting session about listing -Dr Virenkumar Pandya BDK ARTS AND COMMERCE COLLEGE GADHADA

[@dancar4906]

This was Goood.

[@aparnadas5277]

Done

[@michaelsherwin3]

I’m about to lose my wife because I’m such a bad listener.

[@masoodahmed5305]

Good

[@hirji129]

nice

[@5ashisbiswas7]

Engaging lecture.

[@scottpierce1279]

Thank you!

[@anyabeymusic]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@gypsyj2967]

He’s a cheese ball but I’ll going to hear this out

[@johncooper9727]

wait... What was Herpes mistake again? IM JK LOL, yes and how did that feel?

[@lindaorlandi1127]

Are you saying Miles Davis is a great listener? Miles Davis was a horrible person and Herbie Hancock is 1000x better and now I can't listen to anything you're saying.

[@jamesscoza2840]

The thankful chimpanzee currently water because toad microregionally beg before a pushy archaeology. gray greasy great, aback halibut

[@bjustin1000]

YES

[@gypsyj2967]

Squirming with the cheesyness

[@brotigayen6858]

Great speech.

[@hemantsuthar8110]

Thanks

[@डॉ.अतुलचौरे-ऑनलाईनकवीकट्टा]

Great speech...