Being Autistic and Navigating Romantic Relationships

[@tj4234]

Today I can watch this video as someone who is officially autistic. As today I finally got my diagnosis after many years. Now to celebrate with one of your videos Dana 😁

[@dlesliejones]

It takes a level of self awareness and mindful effort that I don't always possess, not to wind myself up. It's a miracle I was married for 32 years. Neither one of us realized we were autistic, which might have helped us communicate better had we known. Instead of suffering in silence. I'm really terrible at intuiting someone else's needs, so it would have been great if I could have just said "please be very direct when communicating with me". It would have helped her to know that it was okay to share her inner dialog, instead of assuming my lack of response to an unstated expectation was a (negative) reflection on her. In general I think that's a common trait... bewilderment of "what am I supposed to do?", and the inevitable ensuing misunderstandings. I can literally deconstruct complex machinery, interpret, diagnose and repair, but I can barely carry on a polite conversation more than a few interminable minutes. That, and my romantic notions were something out of a Victorian novel. I'm glad that I'm past all that now. BTW, you are glowing... and I'm happy for you. (I hope it's okay to tell you.)

[@goblinodds]

one thing i learned after a few relationships is that if it feels like a lot of work and feels hard and i fall into the "oh no this person doesn't really love me" spiral quite often, something's wrong-- it took being in a really comfortable relationship (with someone who's probably also autistic, certainly not neurotypical) for me to realize that, while there are some tricky things (having to reorganize your life, having to learn better communication skills), it...actually can just feel good and natural??

[@gmlpc7132]

As "friends with benefits" requires having friends that counts me out of that option LOL!

[@gmlpc7132]

My experience of intimate / romantic relationships has been very limited and for quite a long time non-existent. I don't even try anymore as it's just too difficult. Even on the few occasions when something started I then didn't know what to do to take the relationship forward so it soon failed. Overall a combination or poor social skills, social isolation and looking like a Silurian (LOL) have been a deadly combination in terms of even stating relationships let alone sustaining them,. While I feel disappointed by all of this I've become reconciled to it and to a large degree what you've never had you never miss. All the same as someone once said "we all want to be wanted" and a life largely or wholly without romance / intimacy is lacking something. For all of us there is a "special someone" out there but for some us that person is so difficult to find and there are so many pitfalls on the way it doesn't seem worth bothering. Maybe for me - and some others - it's a blessing in disguise as there are some bad people out there who prey on those who are inexperienced or "needy" in terms of relationships; it also means being spared the heartache that can come from genuine relationships that go wrong. Sometimes we have to make a virtue out of necessity but there are others with many good experiences and you're right to stress that being autistic does not mean a life without love.

[@DanaAndersen]

I've always been the 'theres someone for everyone and love is amazing!' kind of person, but honestly, I'm starting to think we put way too much meaning into romance as a society, and I think there's probably a lot of people who would be much happier with close friendships/found family, but we're taught from near enough birth that you're 'going' to grow up and fall in love, get married etc, making it feel like a failure if we can't or don't want to. I mean, there are aromantic people of course, but I wonder if its much more common than we see, and I wonder if a lot of people aren't aiming for romance just because it feels like we're supposed to, when its really one of the least important things to live a happy and fulfilled life!

[@gmlpc7132]

@@DanaAndersen That's very astute. The vast majority of people aim for romance and physically intimate relationships in their lives but we can also over-rate such things. In terms of dependability, loyalty and real affinity we often get much more from family and friends. For all that, romantic relationships offer something unique - physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. it's the promise of having that special, exclusive bond with a particular person with whom you may spend the rest of your life and who feels the same way about you. Of course reality is often very different. Very few romantic relationships last a lifetime and even those that do may find the romance fades away and the couple become partners in a more basic sense of sharing a home, finances and maybe children rather than having that "special connection", And sadly some romantic relationships turn very sour and end in a lot of conflict. However there are still many successful and happy couplings and even those who haven't currently got one commonly hope for one in the future. The social expectation is that we will all have this "significant other" and that can create problems for those who are long-term or even permanently single, whether that is their choice or not. The long-term single is viewed as peculiar, maybe someone to be pitied or - much worse - to be viewed with suspicion, e.g. "there must be something wrong with them". It would be better to reduce this pressure to "couple-up" but I understand why it is so important to so many people.

[@shearerslegs]

I’m glad you’re in love, we deserve relationships the same as anyone else we just have to accept that we will have more difficulties. I have mental health problems from the years when I was trying to be someone I was not and physical health issues so I have only had one relationship in my life. It was incredibly hard and then he dumped me because he said I showed I loved him but not that I wanted him and he didn’t realise how clearly he had to say things to me. He was autistic too so I would have thought he would realise that he also had communication challenges but I was just gone out of his life. It’s ok though, it would never have worked long term he hated being autistic and wanted to learn nothing about it, he just tried to squash it into a corner of his mind and pretend he’s neurotypical whereas I don’t see being Autistic as a bad thing, it’s a part of me that makes me different but it’s not good or bad it’s what you make of it by working on acceptance of your differences and improving those bits of you that need work. I think extreme masking is only going to damage yourself, I did it for 31 years and I still carry the damage it’s done. Also we had very different views on things. We once watched a documentary about a heart surgeon and they went to extreme lengths to successfully save a premature baby and they let a ninety year old man go home and die with good palliative care. We had a huge argument about it because he said the old man had a lifetime’s worth of knowledge and he was the one who should have been kept alive while they should have let the child die. If he’d felt they inflicted too much onto the child for a low chance of success I might have understood but they saved the child and I still don’t understand why he believed they were wrong to allow a man to die in his home in a dignified manner. I hate these tv shows that show us as a form of entertainment. I understand that people find it difficult to find partners and are willing to try anything sometimes but I feel they are taken advantage of. We’re not a form of entertainment we are human beings trying to navigate through life the best way we can. Online dating baffles me, I have met a decent man but also been used for sex. My therapist said I am too naïve for online dating which is fine except I don’t see anyone doing anything else anymore. I’m working on myself though so maybe in the future I’ll find someone that is right for me, if not I’ll actually be ok, I am not unhappy with myself and my own company. I hope everyone looking for love finds it because it is a great feeling if it’s right for you, thanks Dana for the video

[@DanaAndersen]

I'm so sorry you went through that, it sounds like a very difficult time, and what a stance to take on a documentary. Sometimes its the tiny things like that, that just make you realise exactly what kind of person someone is! I still struggle a little with my stance on things like love on the spectrum, they've consented just like the neurotypicals that go on Love Island and would hate to imply their opinion or consent means less than anyone else's, but. Id find it concerning that autistic people and the way we think are being made into entertainment for neurotypicals. Online dating is just weeiiirrrdddd, if I was going to need to look for another relationship, I think I'd probably try speed dating or just standing somewhere in public with a sign saying I'm looking for a girlfriend over getting Tinder again :P

[@shearerslegs]

@@DanaAndersen I’m never sure that the people who consent to love island have completely thought it through, I might be just an old person not understanding current culture but it’s going to follow them around and when they’re my age and trying to get work, whether it’s flipping burgers or trying to be a barrister, everything will be available online. I don’t mean to say that we’re less capable of giving consent to anything, although I imagine it’s dependent on your support needs, I do find it particularly difficult that traits that in me were not received well and I have had to suppress to get by are used as entertainment for other people and I know some of those viewers are autistic and love these dating programs so it might well just be a problem I have that I need to get over myself. I saw a tweet from someone today saying that they had masked so well they hid their autism from themselves and I really identify with him but don’t know how much more I can undo what I have done to myself. Sometimes my comments need a disclaimer saying what lens I see things through. Thank you for the reply and reading my very long comments.

[@DanaAndersen]

You make a good point that those on love island may not be thinking it through all that much, it’s terrifying that the internet saves everything now and it’s always in the back of my mind while making videos or writing comments! I didn’t mean that you were implying we’re less capable of giving consent, just trying to ensure it didn’t come across like that was what I was saying! I think my biggest issue is how much it’s used as education to the general public, and how much of it is controlled by the peoples neurotypical parents 😬 I think most ‘reality’ tv is exploitative in one way or another, and adding people with any disability to something that’s going to be consumed predominately by the general public just adds an extra layer that leaves me questioning what the actual entertainment is supposed to be 😅

[@deesparklebazinga9374]

Hey Dana, I hope your well. I discovered recently that I connect with being Asexual and it's hard work! I have a few friends that are female (all much older than me) but I prefer hanging around with men which is problematic because I just want a friend but it usually ends up with them wanting sex! I can't do relationships these days after my last male 'friend' messed my brain up emotionally by pushing/ignoring my boundaries etc and I had to get the police involved because he then stalked me for aprox 12 months! If I ever feel I can try again I will probably look for a Gay man!! Xx

[@philipswann9753]

Yay!