Autistic Self Hatred

[@DJ-Daz]

I hate myself so much, if someone compliments me I get paranoid.

[@HaakonOdinsson]

Yeah I can understand this, I also get paranoid and I also squirm like mad at the same time and trying not to let it show

[@062082shane]

Lots of people have done everything Possible to make us hate ourselves

[@AspieGamer1986]

As someone on the Autism spectrum I've been feeling self hatred for years. In a Non-Autistic dominant world us people on the Autism spectrum are often ignored and reviled by society as a whole. Then again that's the trauma speaking.

[@Coneman3]

We’re sidelined cos normies think we are abnormal.

[@merbst]

yep, I can not help but to agree with you! Normie society is a pile of doggie do!

[@Coneman3]

I’m writing about this as an INFJ

[@brijmsn]

I don't hate myself but I hate how I appear to the world.

[@macmarles3243]

I hate myself because i can't do social interactions whatsoever. So I'm silent in groups because i know I'll either be ignored or will say something wrong or will fuck up. I always do that's how i know.

[@sharonjensen3016]

That is the reason why I said no to attending school reunions. Former bullies may say sorry, but apologies are not enough for what they did then.

[@nehagupta8283]

Its so sad even i have faced the same 😔😔😔

[@HaakonOdinsson]

@@sharonjensen3016 oooh yes, this comment hit home for me….i did the same thing, not going to reunions because of former tormentors. I just don’t want to have flashbacks of the incidents in my head. I hope things are better for you now. Best wishes

[@HaakonOdinsson]

Yes me too. Whenever I’m in a group I’m quiet most of the time. I listen though and don’t miss anything, but I’m quiet 90% of the time and for the same reasons you mentioned. Always struggle to be heard

[@Kalmxcape]

People are so fucking rude to me all the time and it makes me so fucking angry.

[@anonymousforcommentslol6075]

then people are like “oh stand up for yourself 😊” bro it isn’t the same for us, we get blamed

[@moellerlaessoee7271]

Honestly psychotherapy has helped my from having 0% self worth to about 50/50, and im not done. Bless you for your honesty, being different is hard yo

[@sambbbb]

Some of my autistic friends seem to like themselves and be happy, and it's absolutely baffling to me. I think they're super cool of course, but I can't comprehend their mentality. I'm very envious.

[@almostahippie]

Omg, this!

[@brookelynrhodes1998]

I was diagnosed with Autism as a child, yet I find that I have self hatred. I think the self hatred has to do with the limitations I've had my whole life, I want to be like other people but I can't. I hate that I had problems controlling my temper, I hated having toddler like tantrums (meltdowns), and generally I hated how I was behind. I honestly don't get how some Autistic people like themselves. I never have. I suffer with imposter syndrome too so I feel like what I'm doing isn't me. I just want to be like everyone else so bad, but I can't. Autism can never be cured and lifelong. That's the curse aspect of it.

[@Uzi_does_it76]

This was cathartic.

[@anothercat1300]

Gosh I related to this too freaking much. My self hatred is a matter of fact. I consider it normal. It's like a deep resentment and anger I have for myself.

[@ForgetfulHatter]

only got dignoised recently. but as i keep saying to myself. its like I have been given a flashlight are being stuck in darkness for so long, i can sorta see now! but............................what am i looking at? and why do i keep thinking about all the years of my life and the tiny tiny TINY little life altering failures i had along the way up to this point that were i finally learn it was autism all along and nobody thought my extreme lack of eye contact, lack of friends and quirkness in knocking extreme random facts could have warented a test for kid with autism? i figure i've been alive this long. sure thoughts existed. but nah. mom would be sad, friends would be sad, fans would be sad. i think im just disapointed at the world and how nobody taught to get me tested when it could have made a different. but im here now and the world is stuck with me. >:) unless it wants to smite me with a flying ice cream truck.

[@sharkdoesstufff]

Holy crap, you literally explained it so perfectly! My whole life I've been mistreated because I had a hard time figuring out others and getting into shit because they provoked me and I didn't understand how to properly express my feelings when I get overwhelmed. I've never liked myself, anytime I do something negative I always think of how I could have done better, even when my mom tries to tell me all the great things I've done, I know I've done amazing things and I do more good than bad, but man is it so hard to like yourself when all the world hates us for literally no reason.

[@shesays3673]

Thankyou for covering this, Dana. I couldn't relate more if I tried! And once again, I was only thinking about this the other day. I'm dealing with pretty immense self-hatred right now (and have since I was a literal child). It's so overwhelming and I spiral with it sometimes, a lot moreso lately. The other day I was thinking about how there's a good reason there's slightly more talk nowadays of micro-aggressions. I've probably spelt that wrong 🙃 The importance of understanding the negative effects of micro-aggressions and covert abuse/manipulation etc. I said to myself just the other day, that this is one of those "death by a thousand cuts" situations. Or maybe the saying is death by a thousand paper cuts 🤔 I know what I mean 😅 Basically, just like you said, all the little things add up over the years and like Buckaroo (the horse/donkey game you referenced 🥰) ofc that's gonna slowly kill us off. Age us quicker with stress and maybe even trigger chronic illness. It's a shit show, my friend. I also feel very behind people I went to school with, but I don't actually want the normal things like marriage or children whatsoever so that doesn't BOTHER me, but I do see it. I feel like an unqualified adult for sure. I managed the getting of degrees (just about) but I'm also out of work and I melt the fuck down at the very idea of getting a job again. I wish I could just be left alone but I don't have the financial freedom for that. I'm also clumsy af and try to avoid cutting food wherever possible. I could literally make such a tiny mistake that nobody else even sees but I get instant rage... at myself. Like, I live alone and this happens every day. I drop an object or can't seem to pick it up off the floor with the first try and I'm cuuuursingg!!! Instant rage and subsequent self-hatred. The rage over the world's smallest things is at least once a day, so yeah the self hatred is pretty inevitable for me. I have lots of shame from childhood abuse but I also have, like you said, total embarrassment just existing. It is entirely crazy to me how it seems like you make a video on a topic that I've just been thinking about haha, and you seem to use so many of the same words as me, too 😂 Definitely totally embarrassing just existing. Unfortunately, I agree with your perception of perpetually confused types of people. I think it may be a trigger to our primal brain (just my theory). That weakness in others makes you think "this person will slow me down". Kind of like seeing someone else's incompetence as a threat to your own survival because they're not strong enough to be part of your pack 🙈 I think it just may be this primal thing, survival of the fittest, dismissal of the weak type of thing. I know we're not cavemen anymore but we do have the primal brain still 😅 I try my very best not to show my irritation towards weak people/people who are triggering that feeling in me, I'd like to think nobody would know I'm actually taming a rage storm in my body because of their presence 😅 I know it's my problem, not theirs. But yes, when you think you're presenting as weak/underconfident etc, it makes sense you're gonna get people be complete arseholes. Some can't, or don't care to, tame the inner rage storm 🙃 The difference with us is we realise it wouldn't be fair to take it out on them because they don't deserve it. Likewise, I think it's a primal desire to feel accepted by your own species. At least a group of your own species. I heard a theory once that feeling entirely disliked/unaccepted by other people triggers your primal brain to believe you're at risk of extinction. Well, dying I guess 😅 I don't know if that's exactly true or not, but I can see how that could be the case. That primal brain again 😂 It's deeply distressing to be rejected over and over again, it almost always leads to poor mental health or even unaliving yourself, so it's got to be talked about and changed. Anyway, I've rambled again as I do. I'm always very interested in the 'why' of everything. Thankyou for sharing x

[@martincrotty]

I was my own worst enemy for years upon years, even catching myself saying "I hate myself" nearly daily some times when things were bad, but that was all while I was undiagnosed. Got the diagnosis last year after advice from a great autism support network here and it's been such a breath of fresh air and allowed me to really accept and love myself.

[@Jane-yg3vz]

I feel the same way. The only compliments I ever get is for my looks, but thats not anything i did. Its just genetics. On the rare occasion that someone does compliment me as a person, I just don't believe them. Whenever I get criticism, which is often, thats just confirmation that I'm right to hate myself.

[@stevie7335]

I’ve recently learned at 37.. that I’m autistic and have ADD and what you just said is how I’ve felt my whole life

[@BScraycraycatldy]

Audhd. Never liked myself. Zero self esteem and self worth. I push ppl away and sabotage to avoid rejection later.

[@lexiefate6815]

You described me I hate that I do this and I hope that one day we do find a solution to help us feel better about ourselves or the right people to be ourselves with.

[@juliane2102]

I wish I had more people like you around me. I am 22 and in therapy atm, hoping to get diagnosed real quick. I've been bullied, dropped out of college two times, moved away for only 5 days just to panic and move back to my hometown. I quit my minijob, because I've worked in retail and got everything wrong and got shouted at by my coworkes because I've spend precious time organizing our products by color or cleaning while I could not talk to our clients or understand our cash register system (my boss told me 10 times how to use it until she gave up). I've even deleted our clients adresses bc I got everything wrong. I've also never been in a relationship because everyone runs away from me because they find me too cold or too clingy and I've had so many toxic friends who told me that they could not stand me the whole time and find me stupid. I get you! All this self loathing and self hatred does not come from nowhere. Try to get through life feeling like an alien :( hugs from me! (Sry if I made some mistakes, I am from Germany)

[@InMyBrokenChair]

Dude, are you me?

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

I’ve done nothing but retail jobs. But what vexed me the most are the cash registers and systems from food jobs. Could never master it. Weird, but it’s why I stopped doing those as side gigs…

[@mikenash7049]

I've hated myself since I was six and now I'm nearly sixty. It seems like the world, and the media in particular, are completely unfair in the way they treat different groups of people. "You're good at sport? Wow, that's brilliant! That's so cool!" "You're good at maths? That's terrible! You're not normal! You're not human! You're not fit to live!" I did maths at university but I spent most of the time trying to make friends and be accepted rather than doing academic work because I'd had enough being treated as a freak. But even with the things I can do to some degree, there is the sense that I'm not good enough at those things, otherwise I'd have achieved some reasonable degree of success. I've been writing songs for over fifty years but I can't get even one song published. I sing in local amateur operatic groups but if I audition for a show at a festival I never get anywhere. So I think I must really be pretty awful at those things, and they're the things I do best. It's only in the past couple of years that I've started to feel better, since I got engaged and then got married to a really great guy. He loves me more than I love myself.

[@paulphillips1848]

your video let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with social interactions, while secretly hating myself for every faux pas. your content helps people understand themselves.

[@rulerofjotunheim3160]

It’s funny I’ve lived my whole life with this experience but I didn’t understand what was wrong until I watched this. Thank you for making this, I thought I was just broken.

[@FirstmaninRome]

You're one of the most likable creators around, cant imagine your not likable in person its not possible.

[@compoundsandelements]

I'm in my 40s and I found this helpful and something I can relate to. There was some catharsis in watching you address this difficult subject. Thank you.

[@shmeleu]

That's normal, no point on hating what made/makes you who you are. I do like to swear at myself ))) It's definitely not hatred, I take it normally - this cheers me up, otherwise I would be like a non responding PC: being numb takes more time to recover (perhaps with greater health consequences also), rather to be emotional, swear and explain/tell yourself what's going on.

[@ScifiMushroom]

i feel this big time, i mess up so much in social interactions its hard not to feel bad about it and have it all slowly compound, i feel like linguini in that one scene in ratatouille where remmy is controlling him for the first time and hes flopping around and knocking over all the pots and pans and all the other chefs are getting really mad

[@epb7284]

I can relate on much of what you've said here and you're hair looks wonderful! ~Eric

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

💯 on the “we both misunderstood each other” part (paraphrasing) it’s like “can’t we just agree to disagree?” Or, one of my favorite quotes from an episode of king of the hill. “I dug a hole, you fell into it. Mistakes were made on both sides!”

[@Thought.I.Was.Clever]

I recognize this. I feel really strange when I try to say “I love myself”. In fact, I really can’t say the words out loud.

[@tj4234]

The game you are talking about is called buckaroo. (Probably spelt it wrong). But in answer to your point I used to hate myself quite a bit. Used to get very depressed and wonder why no one liked me. Now I just don't care. But then again now I know I'm autistic and I found that out a fair while ago. And when I found out I was autistic I initially had a poor reaction to that too but over time I now accept it as part of who I am.

[@rainbowstarks]

Thank you for being so open about this and speaking to what a lot of us feel ❤

[@rainbowstarks]

Also I was thinking this whole time that your hair looked great haha 😂❤

[@goblinodds]

oof thanks for this ahah i didnt think i hated myself but i relate uhhhh really hard to nearly all of this, what the hell went wrong x_x

[@Coelacanth1]

Much of what you have said there is my mid fifties ongoing experience and I do admire your bravery in creating a KZbin Channel to tell the world how it is. Oh and a Beatle on the mantelpiece - excellent.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

Earlier in life I used to wonder how people seemed to have time for a demanding job while also having a spouse and kids. Reminds me of a funny quote from mad tv. “Dr Michael from melrose place, how does a doctor find time to act?!” (Like, how do you all multitask so well?!)

[@chelseajones2112]

I just have to say I adore you and the way you talk and your exquisite use of the F word and I relate so very strongly to everything you’ve mentioned. Thank god I was listening to this while driving on the freeway because I was scream laughing when you were talking about how the girl who bullied you is now a mental health nurse.. I see stuff like that happen all the time and it all just makes me think life is one big cosmic joke. The people who everyone gushes about how nice they are and fawn over always come across as the worst people to me. And as I look back on my life of 41 years I just see a chain of one embarrassing moment after another, just a series of humiliation and shame, as if that’s all I’m meant to experience in this lifetime. Anyway, GREAT listening to you, heavy topic but somehow the most refreshing thing I’ve heard, ever.

[@delaney5721]

Idk if I’m autistic or not but I can never fit in with social interactions and hate myself too and I don’t want to but I always do stuff wrong esp in social interactions. I don’t ever feel good enough or like I do anything right it’s frustrating.

[@nitt3rz]

Very very relatable. Having ADHD as well, it's terrible. I think I started simply feeling completely neutral about myself, that slowly, not liking became hating; as I found less I could do well. When anyone does try & compliment me, I don't know who they're talking about, the idea that I did something well seems completely alien. Edit: the game is Buckerroo

[@ChameleonClouds]

"We're like part of the same club." Thanks for the laugh and for your vulnerability.

[@64Rubix]

These videos are really good, keep going!

[@7272nighthawk]

I have never been diagnosed as autistic but im starting to find I share a lot with people who are . the self hatred is one for sure I am smart enough to at least how I look to other people , and it aint good. After a life time of doctors, counseling, meds, ETC so far nothing has been effective.

[@thetickedoffpianoplayer4193]

I've struggled with self hate for years. I personally feel that if I had been diagnosed as a kid I probably wouldn't feel like this. I'm blind and I've known I was blind since I was a baby, and I've never hated myself for not being able to see.

[@thexpax]

despite simple discouraging differences from the majority --- ev-er-y life is a walking miracle worth 🧡 loving and caring for ! honestly can we change differences ? no, so fk it and smile we are just human too

[@georgehugo561]

Hey Dana Thank you for this video and being willing to get real and vulnerable. I'll be up front and say that I am not on the spectrum, but that I relate to some things due to certain mental health issues. To my point: It was difficult to see how verbalizing all those self hatred thoughts affected you and almost dragged you into an emotional spiral for a moment where you truly felt those things to be true. I struggled with self hatred for a very long time and thought and acted in many self-punishing ways. Over the years I have learned that it was very important for me not to verbalize those thoughts in a way that I was essentially affirming them. If I had to talk about it, I had to be very careful to distance myself from the thought, not personalize or affirm it, and stop and change the topic if I felt it was dragging me in to a point that I felt it and believed it. It was also important to start verbalizing positive statements of truth that countered those thoughts and lies about myself. This took therapy and friends and a lot of practice, but it did really change my life. I hope that you find similar help and a way out of this terribly hard place. I know that it is possible

[@torontofenderjunkie]

Thank you so so much for posting this. This might be the most relatable thing I've ever heard. Maybe will help me accept what I've learned about me...

[@sori6196]

I hate myself cuz my thoughts are always the same and so dull. its not just that I'm boring in social situations, I'm boring with myself too.

[@costelinha1867]

"You're so smart, you have so much potential" THEN WHY AM I STILL UNEMPLOYED AT TWENTY FUCKING FIVE YEARS OLD?!

[@Why_even_try]

I can relate to this sooo much.

[@snuffybox]

Leaving a comment just cus i want your channel to succeed.

[@DanaAndersen]

Thank you 😭🥰

[@alanparmenter]

7:57 Classic masking! Practised smile! Sarcastic laugh and eyebrow raise, though… Can we all stop teaching autistic children to mask please?

[@merbst]

You are free to hate yourself, but hopefully you have changed your mind on the topic since then. No matter what the case, several random strangers around the world remain quite fond of you! Your humility is admirable, much like my ability to deliberately ignore the point of the video. lastly, please interpret this mostly as the words of someone who likes your pretty face, and has met many unusual people from different walks in life, that I have met some people who had nothing at all mental to contrubute to society, who had found so much success as porn-actresses. I have never seen that particular board game. I too have fallen down the stairs, but I am back on my feet

[@MindDrifter_Ed]

You have a very pretty face and hair. Your face was the first thing that made me stop my gaze on your video. Only then I read the name and, being on my way to understand autism better, turned it on. Also, you say that you don't care about sympathy, but, still, I sympathize with you. And I wish you to meet people who are kind and understanding, so that your hate towards yourself dissipates and gives way to better feelings. And thank you for your openness.

[@MarkKent-o2t]

so well done for talking about this.i have aspergers..mark

[@ExplorationRandomDestination]

This chick is a beautiful soul inside and out

[@NightmareRex6]

i dont "hate myself" but i DO HATE my crap short term memory and it makes me sooo MAD it tormented my mom with CONSTANT loosing of expensive winter jackets and torments me with constant not remembering where i put stuff when i clean up. i dont know how to punish myself properly becuaes im like that could get me KILLED one day and not just an "inconvience" i tho have good long-term memory its JUST the short term....

[@TIMBowden-c7i]

No hate myself!

[@chlrsnj326]

You covered me pretty well... 🤣

[@msteven2]

I was diagnosed with autism at 45 and had a lifetime of hating myself before then. Is there anything you've found that can break the cycle of self -hatred? I'd love to hear you talk about any strategies you've found helpful!

[@GeoPol01]

10:08 oof I related to this one a lil too much

[@DanaAndersen]

Im glad you can relate, but I’m also sorry you relate to any of it!

[@andrewgarcia6951]

❤

[@GodsBelonging]

Me too.

[@FirstmaninRome]

And Funny

[@ryans1623]

Do a group of autistic people, get along with each other or relate better than with others?

[@DanaAndersen]

Obviously it depends on the people just like it does for neurotypicals, but I’ve found I tend to have fewer misunderstandings and less awkwardness personally when with other autistic people, or even just neurodivergent people in general. My found family is comprised entirely of neurodivergent people, most of them autistic but not all!

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

Me too! But I do find I need both types of people in my life

[@thepariah3516]

They look at me like a freak, I look at them as cattle.

[@nevermind8589]

You'll be the best mother in the world my dear.

[@michaelfreydberg4619]

I thought you were in your early 20’s. Like 22 or 23…