Autistic Masking & Romantic Relationships

Autistic masking & romantic relationships;
After realising that I am masking in front of my husband I started thinking about the reality for many late diagnosed autistic people who were in a relationship before getting diagnosed. Or any long term relationships (friendships, work colleagues etc) we had before getting diagnosed and now need to address unmasking autism in that context.
It can be hard to unmask with someone who is already supposed to know us really well. Where do we begin the unmasking process in our own homes.
In this video my husband and I are talking about that process for us as a couple in hopes that what we address might be useful for other people.
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[@kassi4837]

When you said in your childhood, you were made to feel like it was your job to make everyone else feel comfortable, I felt that. I was the same way for me. It almost destroyed me entirely. Unlearning the unhealthy aspects of all of that is a journey and it’s difficult.

[@kkuudandere]

It was the same for me too! Even if no one explicitly told me that. I still struggle with that and I wonder where that comes from...it's exhausting at times.

[@jimwilliams3816]

I’ve heard masking talked about largely like it’s trying to fit in by acting, and I do try to do that now. But what I now think I did in my childhood was actually attempt to become the person I judged I needed to be to fit in. Which in my case was an adult, and either a girl or at least not a boy. Do other people feel like that’s what they did, or do? Not so much trying to behave a certain way, but trying to fully become what you are not?

[@DefyNottheLoris]

Yesss. And handling the resentment she mentioned too. I felt a flash of that when Mr. Purple said he's never had any problem with sitting out in the garden alone when he needs to. When as a people-pleaser household-harmonizer, I feel like it's my job to manage the emotions in the home, and leaving when I* need to may not be an ok time for the harmony of the group. It would be great to learn to set that load down, and to teach others about that invisible labor.

[@hispoiema]

Raised by a narcissist, married to a narcissist 35 years but now am married to a neurodivergent husband and trying to remember who I was when I felt free to be myself so many decades ago.

[@hannahclara7929]

I love these open conversations you and Mr Purple have. The small disagreements and working things out and restructuring sentences and points made is such a good example fo healthy communication

[@Caroline-fb3sz]

I love this conversation! I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say you feel like you have to be "always on" when someone else is there. That's part of the reason I don't know if I could live in the same house with a future partner, because I don't feel like I can ever fully relax when someone else is there because my form of "relaxed" (doing a lot of what you described - singing to myself, pulling faces, repeating things to myself, dancing around) is something I'll be judged for. Growing up, my parents made some negative comments if we were being too loud/boisterous in the house and I think I learned to shut that down in front of other people. Thank you for talking about this!!

[@Heyu7her3]

I'm surprised people even have romantic relationships. I don't think I could.

[@colin101981]

I'm Mr P in our relationship. I'm loving how open you both are. My wife and me have been married for over 40 years, like you she got a very late diagnosis (60). I can see many aspects of your conversation in our relationship. I hope you will find a way to relax and be yourself, especially in the privacy of your own home in front of the man you love - and who loves you. We've made significant changes in our home and our relationship that will enable Mrs C to be herself. But like you - it's an ongoing process. Thank you Ella, you see like a very lovely person - take care both of you xx. 🙋‍♂🙋‍♂

[@fhrus]

"When I'm shutting down the playfulness, I'm just intense" - I felt this very deep. Thank you for this video! :)

[@madelinemontgomery-collins1698]

Always being "on"...this is probably the biggest thing I struggle with. I try to turn off occasionally, and then I feel guilty for not taking care of everyone and everything. And my family struggles to understand that when I'm overstimulated or burnt out, even their presence in the room is too much.

[@homo-sapiens-dubium]

Why its hard to unmask? Masking often develops in early childhood before developing self awareness. This means that the process of masking is not something that most autistic people are aware of. This is extremely fundamental! Its like trying to shut down keeping balance & not falling while walking. Its not an aware process - but eats at least as much energy since its simply not natural - contrary to keeping balance (to most).

[@briena8881]

I started to mask when I was 17. At that point, I thought that my true personality was not worth being a part of me and I decided consciously to be a more likeable person. I had enough from feeling not a part of a social group. So I imitated people who were more popular, and I started getting a lot of acquaintances who were interested in me instead of only the few close friends I had before. But it was so exhausting and it took me 20 years to find out that my migraines which started back then were related to masking.

[@aboomination897]

That was a quite intimate conversation and I feel like he loves you so very much and that makes me very happy :') You two will work things out like you did in the past

[@burns_o_matic]

Yes! We spend so long mirroring and masking that we aren't even sure of who or what the real version of ourselves is.

[@Laura-yf7kc]

I really appreciate you and mr purple being willing to talk so openly to help others. I means a lot

[@briena8881]

For me, it's difficult for a couple of reasons to unmask around my close ones. First of all, it's some kind of (false) empathy. As a teenager, my mum once complained that I am so exhausting when I am in a food mood and when I am in a bad mood. So I always feel that my emotional displays are "too much". Another part of tending to mask is the feeling of not being safe. I experienced in former relationships that I unmasked in front of my partner and later on, when those relationships started to break up (it's a process in my experience, not something that just happens), those partners could be mean about my behaviours or ignored at moments when they supported me before. That was extremely painful and made me feel again and again loosing trust in even those people close to yourself. On the other side, my husband is disappointed if I mask, it feels for him as if I was not being honest to him. And also he feels hurt that I don't trust him enough to just unmask at all times. Finally, I really can't unmask completely anymore. I need to be alone to dance "like noone is watching", I need to hike alone to be really enduring. At times, I need to be alone to have my inner dialogues, to not being able to adapt to anyone else, hence being my true self.

[@shelbycurry721]

Wow… this is SO relatable. Growing up, my mom made so many comments about how it was so difficult to live with me because of my messiness, my laziness, and the way I didn’t listen when she was talking to me. It turned out that my struggles with cleaning and “laziness” were due to executive dysfunction…. My special interests were always “weird” and she didn’t want to hear about them. Too boring. My echolalia kind of drove her insane too. 😅 So I picked up on the fact that living with me could be hellish for a neurotypical person. We got in full on fights about how difficult it was to live with me (I’m talking about 13 years old all the way through teens) Eventually I met a guy who was weird enough that eventually I unmasked, pretty much completely in front of him over the years. And just like you said, when the relationship started to come to an end, all of these annoying quirks about me were brought back up and made me feel really bad about myself. My own self concept really deteriorated and now it’s hard to even tell my current SO about my favorite video games or movies or shows just because I’ve gotten really used to not sharing with anyone because I don’t want to be “annoying.” I just try not to act autistic. All the time. And that’s exhausting. And I don’t need to do that in this relationship either, so I wish I could stop. My SO loves me. I wish I could reverse this damage!

[@briena8881]

@@shelbycurry721 maybe I can give you hope here. For me, the change came from within. Not damage undone, but growth, healing. A strong warrior has many scars, that's what I feel about hard times in life. I kind of accepted my limitations, but also learned to be positive about myself on a daily basis. That has been a 3 year long process, and it's not finished yet. Instead of masking, I see it now just as roles, that can be picked up when needed, and that's a treasure to have those abilities. I gave up this idea of the "true self", as we are all constantly shifting, growing, adapting. Good luck on your journey ☺️

[@nyaamix138]

This is a great conversation. Mr. Purple seems like such a supportive partner! Unmasking is so hard and being 'on' can just be automatic, but it's great that he is so understanding. I hope your unmasking journey continues well Ella.

[@katielykens2328]

Thank you. Coming from a home where healthy conversations about needs were not had.. that felt good to see that example

[@PocketaPoemArtbyCCC]

I am struggling immensely, I’m 37 and was diagnosed September 2021. Not knowing if your partner will ever accept you, is so so SO hard. Thank you for your efforts and knowledge sharing. ❤

[@thatrunningirl]

I hope you manage to find someone 'safe'! :) xxx

[@Java-D]

I love this conversation and completely resonate with masking by constantly needing to be turned on and meeting everyone’s needs. My husband works out of town and is gone for 2 weeks every month then home with no work for 2 weeks. Having him at home is so bittersweet. I love him and want to be with him and enjoy our adventures and memories we make together yet I am utterly exhausted and frustrated and on edge after just a day or two. It’s so draining to attend to his needs, our autistic son’s needs, schedule changes, more demands to cook or clean, more social outings, more having to conversate, etc. It is hard to unmask and rest in those moments where everyone is home and needs us. Especially when unmasking and relaxing, to me, means zoning out for hours on KZbin or in a book.

[@WilliamFontaineJr]

I’ve relayed some of my wife and myself’s past before so will skip most of that except to say, we’re 68, discovered we’re both autistic/ADHD/Dyslexic 2 years ago as our grandchildren were being diagnosed. Discovering and the beginning to uncover our real selves after years of hiding, masking, defending our selves will unquestionably take the rest of our lives. We are rediscovering each other and ourselves through many painful memories together and individually. This is easily the most difficult and adventurous process of my life. Undiscovered gems of each other keep popping up as we precess the pain and suffering of most of a lifetime living in “ignorance”. Listening to Purple Ella and Mr. Purple is like a key that unlocks our past, opening the door to self discovery and knowledge. That always leads to more understanding, compassion, and love. I cherish these videos because of that. Thank you Purples for the intimate love you share freely with us.

[@Mountain-Man-3000]

Unmasking is so hard... I can't with my spouse either. Decades of training myself to not be myself is hard to evade

[@deesparklebazinga9374]

I really struggle with masking as I'm 39 and was diagnosed aprox 2yrs ago with ASD and ADHD. I feel like it will be a huge task ahead to unmask as I am so hypervigilant most of the time. I feel so much guilt all the time and also forget to communicate what is wrong as I am not in sync with how I feel etc. Thank you both for this discussion, it was very interesting. Thanks x

[@Anne-hj6mj]

This conversation made me realise how lucky I am with my partner... I just recently self diagnosed myself (working up the courage to get an official diagnosis), but I have always felt coming home to my partner as coming home to a safe place.. now I realise that I can unmask with him and be myself and him absolutely loving me for who I am unmasked...

[@harrietwilhelminadevos5154]

The best way I found of looking at the validity of self-diagnosis is that professionals diagnose mainly based off what their patients tell them so therefore what you already know about yourself is not only valid but totally key to your diagnosis. Hope this helps. Good luck and welcome x

[@julen2380]

@@harrietwilhelminadevos5154 I don't know if it helped Anne but it certainly helped me so thank you!

[@Heyu7her3]

​@@harrietwilhelminadevos5154depending on how thorough the diagnosis period is, it may also require accounts from other people in one's life. I've heard this is the case in countris outside the US

[@BLedsworth]

I could feel how uncomfortable you were were and how apprehensive you were in anticipation of a response. As I can relate. I appreciate you making this video, thank you. ✌️

[@cazridley5822]

Thank you so much this is so helpful and I really appreciate hearing from Mr Purple as I have no idea what my autism is like for my husband other than feeling like I am a complete nuisance and not exactly what he signed up for when he married me. I was only diagnosed in December at 51 and I think I’m still processing that and trying to understand who I really am and how to be real me and not be ashamed of that, as like you I have been told since childhood I must be who the world wants me to be and not who I am .

[@lyalllunicec-1379]

completely relate to this, just with my parents

[@MrAndywills]

Very brave of both of you to put yourselves into a vulnerable situation. Respect goes to Mr Purple for being open, receptive and not judgemental. Guilt and judging oneself very harshly is very common.

[@TomMay-bt7ei]

I'm autistic and ADHD traits 37 first online test and I'm in London and I hate it so much.there is no help it's like nobody cares but you have given me hope.thank you

[@rebeccat9389]

I got teared up at Mr Purple talking about your exuberance. This is very interesting.

[@Silvery_jassy]

Loved this!!

[@sarahkreuzer8259]

Thank you for this video!!

[@Authentistic-ism]

WIll you please make a video about menopause? I"m 42 and terrified and don't know what to expect. I don't have my mother anymore to tell me what to expect and she never educated me well in the first place and I don't know any other ladies my age to ask

[@TessaCoker]

Don't turn down the HRT is my advice. I took it and do have a family history of breast cancer but am still fine at 70

[@markigirl2757]

I watched my mom have it and she was someone who hardly showed outwards emotion until then. I will say from her expect and what she told me loosely it’s like going through pms but it doesn’t end or it fluctuates similar to when I have emotional disregulation and I understand how that feels and it’s hell. Otherwise that’s all I know, hopefully it’s aren’t too bad but I think tons of research and preparing is the way to go

[@luckysmummy5325]

Agreed! Please consider making a video on this, Ella. I'm 48, recently diagnosed ASD & awaiting ADHD assessment. I'm finding menopause pretty strange & bewildering. Have tried various forms HRT, now on some patches that are helping a lot but not completely making it all disappear! Many thanks Ella, Helen in Norfolk x

[@vivianstewart7523]

I think a panel discussion with women that are going thru it would be great!

[@alextris3596]

gentle reminder Ella isn’t a lady as they are nonbinary - of course many non binary people experience menopause too

[@thebigshedart]

Ella and Mr Purple thank you both for this. I found your honesty and openness with each other absolutely inspiring and refreshing. Ella I'm a couple of decades older than you and only quite recently realised I'm autistic (although I've known about my ADHD for maybe 25 years). Sadly I'm only now realising how much my neurodivergence was a factor in my marriage not working 30 years ago (which is not to say it was "to blame"). Relationships since then have just about survived only because (I now see) I've masked like my life depended on it! Oh and also because I've clung on to living alone in my own home where I can (and do!) sing and dance to my heart's content 😀. Wishing everyone in the Purple household wonderful times ahead. Judy

[@NormyTres]

Thank you Mr Purple! Thank you Ella! 💗

[@minniethomas6206]

You're such a cookie Ella💜💜💜and MP is a demure beautiful soul for you

[@emmanuelwood8702]

You are lucky to have found a person like mr purple and he is lucky to have found you.

[@tomrio9152]

I've been masking for so long. Thank you so much for this video. I'm trying to unmask with other people, but I'm so scared to be judged. One day, I'd like to have a lover who doesn't make me feel like masking when I'm with him. I will use this video as a guide to explain it to other people if I have to

[@Jinxyisms]

Thanks for sharing this with us. It was so nice to see.

[@ellie_5276]

Great video as usual 😊 I so admire Mr Purple’s willingness to go on camera and speak so openly about these things as your partner.

[@homo-sapiens-dubium]

Thanks so much for sharing this - it is incredibly valuable!

[@beccywilson1349]

i love this Ella ! it was so helpful . Both me and my long term partner are on the spectrum . we both have very diferent characters and mask in totally diferent ways and have totally diferent ways to cope . Our ways to cope clash . since childhood iv had to surpress my joy , so i only let go in isolation . but isolation isnt how i want to live . I ruminate continously about how we apear to others . He has coped by being in his own reality bubble and rebeling against and rules . this vid has helped me be compassionate to us both . so even if you both are on the spectrum the masking continues , i can asure you . please do more on this subject .

[@Dovestone.]

Such an open honest conversation!

[@TheoRodionov]

It's so heartwarming watching you two have such an open and honest conversation ♡ thank you for sharing

[@chocoboasylum]

I think masking is the learned behavior to hide behavior that is pointed out by someone else because we're used to people pointing out things that they thought we should stop. Growing up people like our parents, siblings, school mates, random strangers, would comment on how weird we were for doing X, Y or Z and now, in adulthood, the connection between people pointing something out and 'that must be weird, I need to stop that' is very strong and very hard to undo

[@vudfk]

Thank you so much for putting this out there. I found it really interesting. I wish you could do more of these!

[@ildykobrehel5895]

I loved listening to that conversation and I really love your sweater!!!

[@Becs887]

VERY helpful! Thank you both for your vulnerability to share this conversation with us. ❤

[@Iphone_G.rl8]

super interesting video! definitely got me thinking about masking and different variations of masking I had no idea.

[@garywoods8194]

Love how open and honest you both are. So so refreshing to see, thanks for sharing this conversation.

[@joanashrieber9246]

A wonderful and honest talk....

[@victorianwhovian]

This video will help a lot of people ❤

[@TrevorForever11]

I love these kinds of videos with you both, I am going through a similar situation with my relationship so I found this very helpful! Thank you so much for sharing this part of yourselves

[@nellygs702]

Thank you. It makes me realise that I don't mask with my husband and children and it's a relief even though I guess that's why I am sometimes not easy to live with... I am still undiagnosed

[@alexdoloressalerno983]

Great video, thank you for sharing these conversations. I'm hoping to create spaces for myself to stim in the big ways that I only do alone.

[@burns_o_matic]

You and Mr. Purple are just so sweet. I can see that he really wants to get to know the truest version of you. Thanks for making this video, this is very important content, and hits home for me in a lot of ways, as someone who is just beginning their journey of self-identification as AuDHD, (ADHD formal diagnosis and seeking autism diagnosis) and trying to get to know who I actually am, as I'm in my forties like you, and have been masking so long that I don't even know the real me and also have a lot of internalised ableism. Side note; I LOVE the profile pic, shaved head looks amazing on you!!!

[@vivianstewart7523]

You are both so fantastic and brave! Love you both. Thank you for all you do. 🤩💗

[@moyse001]

Super interesting! I feel a lot of these just from being in a relationship/living with someone different than me as well, so must be intense for you!

[@NovaRae91]

Your hubby reminds me of mine, and I feel like we are quite similar so it's really comforting to see you engage in healthy and loving conversation about something so important and complex! My husband is the calm, rational one and he happens to have a very similar jumper haha to me you are the curious and kind hippie, which I resonate with. It sometimes feels like we are so far apart and he's more neurotypical but I think that helps to balance things out. Your channel is really helpful and informative 💖

[@sheeliewoo]

This is amazing and so helpful. I have just started the unmasking at 54, it's not easy. Im lucky that I have a supportive husband too, we've been having similar talks 😊

[@essentiallyinvisible3572]

The way you both talked this through is lovely. Mr Purple seems to be a great fit for you and it’s wonderful that he loved your joy when stimming early in the relationship. Thank you both for sharing this with us. This is such healthy communication - acknowledging the ways you both do things (like feeling uncomfortable with your daughter’s stims in front of company) and being able to hear when you’ve not realised your own things :)

[@tanteAlex22]

Thanks for this amazing video, congrats and respect to Mr Purple who is getting more and more comfortable in front of the camera. Please guys keep making these videos cause they are really enlightening and comforting. You guys are great!!🎉

[@SarahConnerArms]

Oh my gosh watching how you two interact and explain and disclaim yourselves and react and be human (as well as the obvious information you were imparting ) in this video has been more enlightening and encouraging and comforting then any other autism or ADHD video I've watched. Fittingly it's a great example of the subtle masking everyone does when interacting and the little structures we can learn to make things less jarring (saying "can I just pause you" instead of just straight talking over someone for example) which, while still being artificial, are more respectful to others, and to ourselves because while we are still tempering our natural behaviour we are also acknowledging it. My fear of unmasking completely around my partner is that isn't that the same thing as just dropping all social niceties, and just being rude? Who is going to want to be around someone like that? But the truth is I do already do that... When I "crack the shits" and am in a bad mood, which is, as you point out, nearly always because I've "white knuckled" it, trying to be "normal", to that point where I just explode. Instead of just giving myself permission to relax the mask earlier on and give myself a break before it (and I) become unbearable. When I first learnt that *I* am allowed to say things like "I just need to pause you there" it was like I suddenly had superpowers! The hardest thing has been feeling like I am worthy enough to be allowed to say those things! I'm a weirdo, I'm doomed, I'm on borrowed time and deserve bad things - so surely my only option is to struggle to keep a perfect normal mask, until the inevitable moment I can't, at which point I will meltdown and be exposed to everyone and lose even the chance to pretend that I'm normal.

[@Chronicaleenie]

We all need a partner like Mr Purple! Thank you so much Ella for sharing this conversation between the two of you. My partner is neurotypical and sometimes it feels like we are on two different planets but I’ll show him this video in hopes we can maybe start up some conversations. Your videos with Mr Purple really help show understanding of each others views and showcase amazing communication ❤

[@pooramateurvideo]

love the sweater, mx purple!

[@alicekerby4569]

Ella is nonbinary, so I believe this should be Mx

[@pooramateurvideo]

@@alicekerby4569 noted! Haven't seen enough of their videos

[@oknowwhatwithheather8781]

Thank you both so much for this video! I am currently trying to unmask at home and am dealing with very similar issues. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD within the last two years, am a 45 year old mother and have been with my partner since way before diagnosis. I find I want more alone time than normal just so I can relax, wishing I could unmask in front of him. My fears are from past experiences, not from him, although he has often said that he must not even know me if I was masking all this time, and that all of our relationship before must have been a lie. In some ways this is true I suppose, and that feels terrible… I loved watching you two speak to each other and you can see that you wish for each other and your children to be able to be authentic at home ❤

[@emeraldflight3228]

I have my assessment for Autism/ADHD later this morning. I've been watching your videos and showing my husband them in an attempt to help him understand me and our relationship more. Thank you so much! He finds your videos helpful and so do I. I'm really nervous about my assessment. Masking is my biggest issue and as I uncover more about myself I realize I haven't really ever been myself unless I'm home alone.

[@clairey6407]

Interestingly, Ella, I really relate to what you're saying about struggling to communicate with people about when you're struggling and feeling guilty about doing that. I have acute M.E. and I struggle with overwhelm and overstimulation. I feel I should (and I want to) be able to give others what they need when they need it - after all, it's the case that they are there for me when I need them, as my needs are more demanding. It seems selfish to then fob them off simply because I'm too tired just now and I feel overwhelmed. I find that really hard to manage, so it's nice to hear I'm not the only one. Like you, I'm jolly and bouncy and sociable and like to entertain people, which doesn't always marry well with being chronically fatigued and overwhelmed. The things I love often become too much for me. Mr Purple is so lovely and it helps to hear his responses....which are incredibly similar to the responses I get from people....yet, I still feel guilty 😉. I often feel like my family are more accepting of my illness and challenges than I am actually! Like you, I'm learning and finding it a bit easier with time and practise. I think I have a fear of disappointing people and being rejected, as if I'm only likeable when I'm making everyone feel nice. I genuinely want them to feel nice. I'm having to learn that I can do that and also just be honest when I'm struggling. Thanks to you both for sharing 😊.

[@helenabobena]

I don’t have a lot to express that others haven’t already said - I would echo similar statements… I just wanted to say - to see your intimacy and honesty made me tear up quite a bit. It’s so lovely and refreshing to see others work on what I’m trying to understand, process and share with my person. Thanks for doing this Ella & Mr. P, we sincerely appreciate you!

[@lauraemma4402]

I love your colourful clothes Ella ! I’m looking at getting Lucy and yak dungarees but can’t decide which ones 😅 Super interesting chat loved this 😊

[@camellia8625]

You two have a beautiful relationship

[@TheRainydayvideo]

Beautiful conversation and very relevant to me right now :).

[@TheRainydayvideo]

Everything you said about stimming is so spot on.

[@Eleonore.77]

(NB : my "not a tip" but 2 cents, below, as per closing address & ask in the video.) This is such an amazing open sharing and gift you've both given us, Ms. and Mr. Purple. SO cleansing, so loving, so centered. (Yet not without little roller-coaster rides of anxiety, and then appeasement, as I listen along, absorbed). I'm really appreciating the partaking. Thank you for this medicine 🙂💗 Not a "tip" per se but sharing what came up here, as per starting to work on things : I would want to talk about and agree with Mr. Z what are the reactions that would and wouldn't precipitate my shame-shell from 'automatically' kicking in, when/if I were to unmask my dancing face and un-bridle the expressions of joy and enthusiasm as they course through me. I would want to have somewhat of a preliminary agreement on what would be acceptable and what would be prejudicial to my baby-stepping into re-discovering myself, that way, in company. This would help me open up to & engage in this new allowing, and help define & refine things as they unfold. For knowing that the by-default agreement would be to "not draw attention to it" (ie., having Mr. Z *not* react/respond) wouldn't quite sit well with me - for one, we'd both know that we're both on eggshells, but/and also, it wouldn't be fair to ask of my partner to silent/mute/hide/mask *their* response and *their* baby-steps in, with me, walking into this new (and 'sacred') territory. Hope this may serve 🤷🏻‍♀🌸🍃

[@noahfox7845]

This makes me miss my loved one and how she understood my difficulties with my mask.

[@hispoiema]

EXCELLENT CONVERSATION!! THANK YOU!! You sound like me in some ways and I am 58 undiagnosed. But I also have trauma. hmmm Going for a general assessment tomorrow (never been to anything like that in my life before so should be interesting) Just cptsd or more? hmmm I was married to my ex for 35 years and learned to not speak my mind or be myself in any way in order to keep the peace. I am remarried and my husband is more like you now (always joking, breaking out in random song etc) but my problem is that I am trying to find the balance of trust/ seriousness/ and playfulness. I have come a long way in the almost 3 years that I have been away from the ex where I could barely hold a conversation for fear, confusion and physical shaking to now wanting to be more the way you describe which is more like who I was before I met my ex (which was 1983) I find that the more I accept my limitations, the more I am free to express who I truly am - but also need to keep up on the subconscious ways I act and remind myself that I can be myself - what freedom that would be.

[@siljrath]

suggestion: E.F.T., Emotional Freedom Technique. may be useful, especially for the anti-stimming mal-conditioning, and ableist expectations, shame, anxiety, etc. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

[@ringlora2]

"That I should be able to be on the same level as someone that doesn't have autism." Remember..in some ways we are superior ^^

[@MonicaMolinar]

Dear Mrs & Mr Ella, thank you for sharing this conversation. Multiple members of my family, including myself, are recently self-diagnosed. We are seeking diagnosis, though the waiting list is long. The stories you share about your experiences - and that of your family - are truly helpful. Peace to all of you. 😊 💜

[@alextris3596]

gentle reminder Ella isn’t a mrs because they are nonbinary

[@MonicaMolinar]

@@alextris3596 I was unaware. Thank you for letting me know.

[@nicnic1190]

Thank you

[@graceface418]

It's funny listening to you two having different perspectives on the same thing. I always assume if someone is pointing out a behavior, they don't like it, but Mr Purple is saying the opposite. I totally get why you'd stop making the face while dancing Ella, because I would've done the same. RSD coming in strong here, I suspect! We are corrected so many times that we just assume if something gets noticed/pointed out, it must be disliked behavior. It can be so hard to just have the confidence to be yourself at every single opportunity, without worrying about other people's comfort/discomfort.

[@thatrunningirl]

i REALLY feel this! i was in a relationship for 10 years, which ended 5 years ago. he never knew i was autistic. but i think he always knew there was 'something'. now with my new partner, of 2 years (who i am engaged to!) i feel comfortable being myself around him and 'unmasking'. but with the guy i was with 10 years, i was also unmasked, but ironically didn't know i was autistic! i don't feel comfortable being unmasked around anyone but my romantic partner. no one else feels 'safe'? xxx

[@rebeccat9389]

This discussion about stimming is interesting, I get overstimulated by my kiddo’s stims and I never know how to balance everyone’s needs.

[@kimberly-louisesisko6694]

So Know Exactly What You Mean, I Always Feel Both Guilty And Apologetic For Not Being 'Normal' (Aka Not Being Autistic Or Having PTSD) And I'm Always Conscious Of My Stimming And Try Sooooo Extremely Hard To Keep It In A Jar When Out In Public But It's Such A Strain And I Feel Like When Other People Are Around Me But I'm Not In Public I Should Just Be Accepted For It Rather Than Given 'Looks'

[@markigirl2757]

I’m slowly unmasking to my husband took 10 years and he told me he knows I talk to myself and dance and sing to myself and oooh the pacing lol now that I don’t work out bc of my health concern a few months ago, it’s even harder to mask that and he just pretends he doesn’t see anything or talk about it unless I bring it up and he jsut simply says im just being me lol

[@susanhenderson5001]

Thank you both for being willing to have this discussion via video so that we could benefit from it. My husband and I watched this together and it brought up many talking points and I believe I will offer the link to my therapist as well for further discussion with him on a couple of things you talked about. Best wishes!

[@Dayglodaydreams]

How do you find a romantic relationship if you are on the autism spectrum? A lot of (cis. straight) autistic guys hate having the pressure to make the first move, and usually bungle things, socially. I remember I got further with this (probably highly sensitive) woman, it was the second date. I said the wrong thing. She said she was "embarrassed", I apologized, but it was too late. We did not date again (I asked her if she liked the way I was with her, and she said "yes". I don't know though.)I'm also a highly sensitive person, just not always towards others ( :( )

[@briena8881]

Well, in my opinion it's about "not dating", but getting to know each other. I always hated dating. Either I masked to hard, or I fell in one of the thousand pitfalls of social interaction, it was exhausting and frustrating. I ended up with interested contacts because of looks and masked behaviour, it had nothing to do with "being me" and not even actually being interested in those contacts in the first place. I learned over time that it was more reliable to develop romantic interest coming out of friendships, because at that level, it's another comfort of being oneself and also understanding the personality of the other person. I read a book from an autistic guy called "cactus for valentine's day", which was impressive, because he went for the girl he wanted, and he was EXTREMELY picky, and told in that book the complete story. That might be interesting for you.

[@theresapizza]

I totally turn into Miranda Hart on my own, short of making fruit friends and vegtipals. Certainly singing all around and just being myself

[@loricat5606]

I really hope you apologized to your daughter afterwards and informed her that she wasn't doing anything wrong!

[@tanzanite2971]

Communication cards? *shy *

[@life-is-here]

This video is about a woman's journey to unmasking and how it has affected her relationship with her husband. PS 👍💋 I really like this channel! ♥♥♥

[@alicekerby4569]

Ella is not a woman. They are non-binary.

[@merwench]

Wow, so THAT's what it's like to have a supportive, neurotypical, mentally healthy husband! (Or is HE masking something? Wait, you got the only one, right?) I mean, seriously, there are men like that? How did I never manage to find one?

[@modishmade]

Interesting, I realize now that after having kids, my personality has changed so much. I feel like I too have lost that fun silly part of me that does stim dancing and that like “extreme” giddiness as I used to call it where I would be so happy I would need to make a lot of funny sounds and flap my hands or make weird faces. I always thought I was just a “weirdo” that I needed to do it so I forced myself to stop unless I was alone because I felt like “a drama queen” as my mom used to say.

[@SpectralTalent]

ella i sent you an email,..have a nice day,..look forward to chatting,.....(mattiox is beginning of the email).