Bert Kreischer is the Machine

Go to www.Bertbertbert.com!
Animator's Twitter @Corri_Loschuk
Audio from The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast #95 (JoeRogan.net). Thanks to Joe Rogan, Redban, JREDatabase.com & everyone who's tweeted me! Please pass this along to your friends and share the love.

[@yrrahyrrah]

"I understand you're the machine. Tonight you party with us." :D :D :D

[@MrinmoyRoy1990]

Bert: So I am not in trouble? Officer: No. Fuck this Bitch. This is Russia.

[@kyhber_blakstone]

Fuck that bitch*

[@kyhber_blakstone]

who the fuck says ruski anymore?

[@justsomeguywhodoeswhathewa4591]

He just becomes a Russian legend.

[@mrrodgers0]

Crypto Readings Russians do, because russkiy (pronounced roughly the same as ruski in English) is Russian for "Russian."

[@AdzLat101]

This story needs to be made into a movie.

[@JVD8383]

Adz Lat yes is would be so dam funny

[@ClarkPesto]

Listen to his flying dildos story. That needs to be a movie.

[@JVD8383]

Clark Pesto how did I miss this guy we where at fsu at the same time and I've never heard of him tell I found this video on KZbin

[@Jrock420blam]

Van Wilder was loosely based off his story.

[@cuzen2ownage]

how? van wilder didnt have any russians in it? lol

[@GranddaughterCoyote]

He is literally the Russian, human equivalent of "I am Groot"

[@theodoredavids9287]

PaperAnomaly legend

[@MadGameBoy]

guaranteed you say I Am Groot to a bunch of Russian mafia, your getting your ass kicked =T

[@VECT4GAMING]

... and thats why russia is beutifull

[@NefariousDreary]

@@MadGameBoy why is that?

[@lukecooney9691]

Ya Machina

[@calripson]

As an American who lived in Russia during this period, his story is very believable. I had many experiences that in contemporary America sound totally made up. It was a crazy time in a crazy place.

[@sourcandyxxx]

Care to share any?

[@Tyler-qf9vz]

I mean yeah, he has pictures and everything

[@MMA_Ruskie]

Ik it is believable

[@personiguess2453]

TELL UR STORIES please?

[@N1h1L3]

Same, my uncle worked in moskow right after the end of the USSR, having western building expertise renovating nightclubs for those gangsters. The only thing scarier was the military police, who didn't give a fuck. Got pulled over driving back to his hotel late at night after work, first thing is they put the barrel of an ak47 in your face, locked and loaded, after that your local translator can talk and you need to stfu no matter what with your hands up. He made a lot of money in those weeks, but he was emotionaly exhausted when he flew back to europe from the way people were treated back there.

[@Julesgio]

I guess social skills can get you everywhere.

[@billburr5241]

yep, a golden tongue can lead you anywhere

[@billburr5241]

unfortunately only a few have that gift

[@akumu9x9]

LIES!

[@ultimateshield79]

aka vodka

[@Jrock420blam]

Brocial skills.

[@847MicRoss]

The southpark theme made it that much better.

[@TrasherBiner]

Your contribution is so valuable. That "yep" added so much to the discussion...........

[@wwstar30]

someone agreeing with a statement does add to the discussion. But you getting butt hurt does not.

[@TrasherBiner]

Brandon Tate Whose butt is hurt more? The guy getting butthurt with a yep? Or the guy getting butthurt that a girl gets butthurt for reading yep. Also you are whiteknighting, so whiteknight me as well since I'm a girl too.

[@1NcognitoXx]

wtf... you just start bullshit all the time for no reason orrr? The thread was fine with a yep till you came in and gave it cancer.

[@topsam2256]

So many Easter eggs

[@richmatthews7685]

The biggest mistake Bert made during this whole story was settling for a C in Russian.. he had all the power to haggle that up to a B haha

[@ichigopimp97]

B- for sureee

[@TheArchersTungsten]

I’m sure that C was an amazing grade for Bert

[@sethspaner3438]

I was JUST thinking that.

[@greaterbritannia5745]

“Please don’t arrest me” Cop *gives death stare Cop: “I understand you the machine”

[@Tigerman1138]

“Tonight you party with us.”

[@SweetJohnny]

Why hasn't this story been optioned for a movie?

[@steveoinker]

+TheLykos that would be so great. It would just end with, "so I hear you're the machine" XD

[@professorchill7392]

+TheLykos Because thinking people aren't as easily impressed as you? This is an overrated piece for juvenile people - that's why it has South Park style animation. If this was really a quality story, it WOULD be made into a movie - anything that has mass appeal can make money.

[@mbirth]

+TheLykos AFAIK it has: www.imdb.com/title/tt3761718/

[@SweetJohnny]

Markus Birth Well there you go.

[@drwhoshisname]

+Sammy Chill someone needs to get laid.

[@joesimon2018]

the story continues partying with the cops in Moscow

[@Frixon21]

were can i find that i've been looking evrerywere

[@nitroustommy3668]

Fuck that bitch, this is Russia!

[@Tigerman1138]

Frixon Guess we have to find him on road.

[@ilikefrogs4291]

Where I can't find it

[@moncorp1]

Besides partying with the cops he then also takes the train back from Moscow to St. Petersburg.

[@chugunkin_klim]

As a Russian who survived through 90s in Russia I can confirm that every American (any western foreigner in general) we met was supposed to get hammered with us :( I am sorry for that :( It was like an instinct, when you meet a foreigner, tear your shirt apart to uncover your wife beater and tattoos, put on a side a volume of Dostoevsky you've been re-reading and start drinking hard with him.

[@connerysims7629]

Agreed. As another Russian from the 90s I can confirm that. Fun times though

[@Tigerman1138]

TyVsGaming ! It was because our hero approached them. He made them laugh, he made the friends, and he had the bond. To the mob the rest of the students were their 🐑/their little group to herd around. This guy? This guy had horns and beer!

[@Tigerman1138]

TyVsGaming ! Yes, that is what I said in the first sentence.

[@Emanouche]

Remember Bert in the 1990s when he was in college got nominated by the rolling stone magazine as #1 college party animal, that was he start to rise into fame, are you really surprised that someone famous for being a party animal would try to join up a party next door in his hotel during a field trip?

[@ShantyIrishman]

You have nothing to apologize for, that's called being a good host.

[@316SR]

I’ve heard this story many times...but the South Park version is awesome.

[@MJ_316]

When he does the bit now it's much more refined...and still funny as hell!

[@DamonCzanik]

This guy should be a US diplomat! People around the world love "The Machine"!

[@porschecollector727]

I would like to help you guys understand that besides "Machine" for Russians it was play on words. What Bert tried saying was "Ya muzchina" which means "I am a MAN!" but phonetically it closely sounds like "mashina" which is a MACHINE in Russian! So Russians would get a kick out of him saying "I"M the MAN" while to him he though he was being called "machine" so there you go. P.S. My fathers name is Igor

[@penisgoblin7352]

I liked that comment JUST because you know someone actually named Igor

[@eyesopen444]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭That makes total sense, the cop asking "so I hear you're 'The Man'!"

[@mastadonking3816]

"Ah, yes, my child. I remember The Machine.......he was hella crazy!!! HAHAHAHA!!!"

[@mastadonking3816]

I just realized that the Randy Marsh was present in this thing.

[@FrostSoul-qs6kq]

My kid's name is Sasha ... Small world ...

[@user-hq4tj9zt3q]

1. Rammstein was VERY popular in Russia in 90s and 2000s, but song "Du Hast" was written much later. 2. "Machine" pronounce in English like a word "Мужчина", this means "Man". In 1995 it was very funny, and Bert took the beer - very smart. :D

[@dominico-l9028]

Du hast was 1997

[@aidanlarose6901]

The fact that “du hast” is playing in the background is fucking amazing

[@TheCaymanRasta]

this story is fucking incredible

[@BarnOwlz]

+TheCaymanRasta You realize it's bullshit right? He clearly doesn't know jack about Russia.

[@Josh-fv2ju]

+Rory Kennedy dude this is like 20 something years ago and it's bert, I doubt it's bullshit

[@BarnOwlz]

It wouldn't play out that way at all, not to mention "the mob" never ran Russia. In fact I am going to assume your joking and move on.

[@binos8843]

+Rory Kennedy Fuck yes they did. You just look at some of the shit that was going on back then in the mid 90's.

[@CaseJurassic]

+Rory Kennedy There was a Russian Mafia you fucking idiot. It was deemed one of the greatest threats to the US. What a fucking dumbass

[@sansonsambam]

"This is the machine. Give him alcohol and you'll have a great time"

[@sicroyalty]

The animation is absolutely outstanding, it looks damn near like it's actually south park studios production

[@kinioffiji540]

who noticed the Canadian in the train?

[@crazyjoedavola5430]

I did.....hilarious

[@macshatchetman13]

I nearly fell over when I saw the flappy head Canadian

[@MerlinOpeth]

Eh

[@zombiekilla9872]

This may be the best story ever told

[@darkdeviljones]

this has to be made into a movie throw at least 30 million at it

[@Jim-Bob-Billy-Joe-Johnson]

+Frank Grimes Van Wilder 3?

[@Nitrodino7875]

Keep dreamin, how can you believe a bit? Do you believe everything that come out of people's mouths? Including comedians?

[@Loxu69]

does it have to be true to make a movie out of it?

[@simonb5176]

Jose Castillo he has pictures of the entire trip lol

[@GhostBusters815]

You can look up pictures of his trip online lol needs to be a movie

[@natashanarushev3450]

I'm Russian. I'm laughing my ass off right now. 😂😂😂. It's Sunday 10:45am. I'm sending this to my coworker. And I'm his manager. P.s. I'm also drinking vodka and eating pickles as chasers. Russian style. I'll cook borscht later. This is hillarious.

[@afuturehobo]

This story gets better and better every time I hear it.

[@leonardd5840]

Ew

[@MickeyCuervo36]

I somehow met a Russian Mafiya dude in Florida. He ran a car shop (because he was bored I guess... he didn't need the job for money). I go in with my dad and sister and he takes one look at her and, I swear to God, tries to buy her... He doesn't say it outright, but he's offering us rides on boats, sports cars and shit, all the while telling us how well connected he is in Russia and how well he could provide for my sister. Of course, we said no, but about a week later, he invited us to this restaurant. His treat he said. Nothing actually happened, but I was scared as shit the whole time. This was after watching that movie XXX with Vin Diesel and I just saw Yorgi in my head. We ended up with the title to an 86 Jag and left with my sister in tow. He never brought it up again, but it was the strangest thing I've yet been involved in...

[@0hn0haha]

He sounds so sweet though... he loved your sister so much he was willing to give up everything for her! What a sweet gopnik

[@narekhart9862]

that dinner you had after everything, the feeling of sitting there shitting yourself as you try to enjoy dinner... thats exactly why he invited you guys

[@lazaregiorgobiani2461]

It's like a tradition in soviet countries where man asks a dad to marry his daughter. He wasn't buying her he just liked her and wanted to marry her, so he asked your father for permission.

[@anything7441]

Awesome story 🍷

[@rogerhinds4062]

You have some shit parents

[@OutcastAngelV]

>>>For everyone doubting this

[@chuzilla1163]

Marshall Kell im doubting this and your reasoning is fucking stupid.... he made this up, he made up his comedy special.. shared on facebook? so that makes it real?? wtf are you talking about and photos of what? him in russia? lol you honestly believe the cops said they wanna party with the machine are you fucking delusional or really that stupid stfu

[@OutcastAngelV]

You're a fucking moron, hahahah. Don't use the internet bud. Pass an IQ test first

[@ILikeYourSuit]

If you think an IQ test really measures your intelligence maybe you are the moron.

[@Nitrodino7875]

IQ tests were made for children...too see whom was a slow learner... I guess I found out Marshall is one

[@MK3SupraSteve]

@@chuzilla1163 several of his classmates have said this more or less a true story.

[@mattsprayberry0]

2:05 Randy Marsh left side of the screen.

[@crazyjoedavola5430]

With a Joey Diaz shirt on??

[@jdj90]

Thank you so much for making this skit! The animation illustrates exactly how I pictured Berts story in my head

[@ntallant86]

This has to be my favorite animated JRE story, the attention to detail is awesome. Great work! Not to mention, The Chive Office plays this video every Friday to get pumped for the weekend.

[@logicphile6207]

You worked for the chive?

[@PDXdjn]

Freakin' love it! I was on this trip with Bert. Was sleeping during the train robbery, but can vouch for most of it. Bert's one of the funniest people I've ever met, and had us in stitches the entire trip.

[@radboi1256]

I’ll take shit that never happened for 500 Alex

[@xHarpua]

F it, I choose to believe Sasquatch. You’re really missing out by not suspending your disbelief Mr. Foreskin.

[@InsanityOnDiscord]

@@xHarpua Yeah fuck it, it happened.

[@ZChoate]

@@radboi1256 Pretty well documented his story is real, and Van Wilder the movie is based on Bert's college career. He was in Rolling Stone for being a party animal.

[@PDXdjn]

Just popped in to see all the hate. Google for photos. I‘ve posted a few that are easy to find.

[@rev5069]

11 years later and it’s finally being made a new movie! May 2023

[@tonytone4332]

ive heard this story probably 20 times and it never gets old. the movie looks good too.

[@itheassembly]

There's a Fleshlight on Joe's floor XD XD XD

[@shadowuser00]

itheassembly fleshlight used to be one of the sponsors for his podcast.

[@itheassembly]

Oh, I know. I just thought it was funny.

[@Tigerman1138]

OMG! I didn’t look closely to what it actually was, but check out the mob’s hotel room. There is a nuclear bomb-for sale.

[@bigheverly]

I get the pocket pussy being an ex sponsor and the metal pot, pot funny. But I don’t understand the billowing volcano

[@aguy2162]

This: A Story That Definitely Happened

[@CM-jb7fs]

I almost thought for a second Matt and Trey made an episode about Bert. We can only hope.

[@jmvt3]

7:57 "God from the Machine" nice touch

[@winks420]

Dude this is by far the greatest animated video ever ... I wish it was an hour long

[@adammcgirt7123]

Spit vodka in someone's eyes has to literally be the hardest shit I've ever heard!!

[@9ANDA]

Seeing this just know getting recommended is so amazing ❤

[@xtoxicgamer]

Listened to the whole thing even though I have heard it so many times ! Great video

[@Culturedtuna1]

lol at the dude with the joey diaz shirt at 2:09

[@dawest767]

That's Randy Marsh with the shirt.

[@JTHundley]

I think I might have to switch over from Stern to Joe Rogan. Fucking hilarious!

[@Mogruith]

Dude this was fucking incredible! Nice job, that was so good. I didn't want it to end bro. BRILLIANT.

[@malachigibson1586]

Ten. Years.. Ago… wtf man…. Life really is short

[@ibeleaf]

they should also add a counter for how many times you, yourself, has watched a video, id be at like 50 for this one

[@thehubbabubba667]

+ibeleaf I found out about this story 30 minutes ago, I've listened to it twice.

[@hapaharley1706]

It just doesn't get old

[@tc4877]

So basically, I just need to learn "I am the machine" in every language and I'm set to go.

[@digitalgods5568]

Unbelievably great man! Thanks, this was so entertaining!

[@CedarRose7]

I love that this showed up on my recommendations

[@brodieknight772]

That's the coolest shit ever. Honestly an absolute victory

[@Supercell2]

Love how Rammstein is playing in the background.

[@unhumanized]

no way this is animated i love this. How did i just find this

[@hollywoodhende]

I love how du hast is playing😂 so happy this was animated!

[@youngpmb3221]

Rewatching this and 2020 and i cant hear “gulag” and not think of warzone 😂

[@Enaz19]

OG's remember Vorkuta

[@jessienoelani6896]

Why do I hear Du Hast all of the sudden

[@tarahrahboom6457]

cause Du Hast is a bad ass song to go with this bad ass story

[@khh1964]

It’s a good song. The Moscow song they have would be more fitting.

[@will1hago66]

Is Du Hast in German???

[@loganricketts9260]

Will’s World yes

[@chudwick8814]

@@will1hago66 yes. It actually doesn't have an exact translation, though. It could mean "you hate" or "you have." Nobody knows what Rammstein meant when they made the song.

[@aleiterful]

Never saw the animated version so excited watching this right now lmao

[@MRLMF5]

Maaaaaan that was awsome!!! You guys did a great job on the animation!😀

[@theexecutor8128]

4:16 Sasha is actually the shortcut for Alexander 😂

[@Liz-cmc313]

Everytime I hear this story I laugh Everytime. Bert is a trip🤘🍺

[@outofbody6797]

Bruh when u hit it off with strangers that shit hits different.

[@dmanm85]

This story will never get old.. the animation makes it he best lol.

[@DennisJNH]

"I understand you're the machine?"

[@ajfiveohfour]

This story is the only reason I know who Bert is and was the first experience I had with Rogan's podcast.

[@cassiecasiano2500]

Hearing this and seeing the performance that came of it is amazing.

[@paulkaderli3526]

And now it’s finally becoming a movie!

[@chudwick8814]

I love how rammstein starts playing in the background 😂

[@roseriv1641]

I imagined his stand up story exactly like this

[@pab1381]

I love the little guy with the Mexican mustache with a Joey Diaz shirt on 😂😂.

[@seanriopel3132]

That was awesome. I've heard the story a couple times already but being set to South Park and Ramstein at the end was hella fun.

[@Gitfiddle]

This is the best story I’ve ever heard. Bar none.

[@colttodd522]

heard this story 10 times just realized . he is like their groot.

[@LONDONTEASKATE]

This was when i first became a bert fan loved this

[@PopSquadAnimation]

Great job on this!

[@dralial-waeli7162]

Best Story EVER

[@goodtimes1368]

1:57 Stan marsh is there before he becomes lorde in south park

[@soleclaw6521]

I love that Rammstein is playing in background at points.

[@joerahme9030]

oh my god when he opened the door 'Du Hast' from Rammstien was playing omg

[@876r876rf]

one of the funniest stories ive ever heard

[@markpereira1975]

Dude this was the best story I’ve heard in a while and the best part is that it really happened! I’ve got a few good similar stories! Those were the days!

[@Real_Richmond_510]

I just binged watch all 94 of these jre toons...... and I don't regret it one bit.🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

[@realkingofantarctica]

This is a masterpiece of a podcast and a stand-up comedy show.

[@rizikos_]

that is fucking insane omfg

[@Chuck-PK]

"if you give him alcohol you'll have a great time" hahaha thats 100% bert in a nutshell an i'll always love him for it

[@WSFM_Rex]

Bro make more of these

[@michaelpipkin9942]

This should be Drunk History. Definitely worth an episode.

[@ethanpfannkuch5510]

Love it how they're playing Rammstein in the Russian mafia room. Even though they're German lol

[@Jeffari1]

Hahaha fuck yeah, love the fact that this is animated and in a south park style no less.

[@171RAVEN]

I've heard this story at least 100 times, still fkn love it!

[@JosephJohnson-sq4bu]

Weird, the year is now 2023 and this has indeed been made into a movie.

[@1x1nDone]

Still the greatest story that has ever been told on the JRE

[@Jackson-id2nz]

Don’t worry bert your not the only one who took foreign language class in college thinking it was gonna be Spanish I did the same thing with Japanese accept I never joined the yakuza

[@Tigerman1138]

I love this story and the animation is awesome.

[@carolinecayll7198]

I'll never get tired of this story

[@driprubies2464]

My favorite part of this is his classmates had an entirely different experience in Russia They probably toured historical places and cool architecture!🤓 Him got to basically live as the king of Russia 🤴

[@TheIrishSpectre]

The first time I heard this story I thought it was bullshit. But then I did some reading on Bert and how, while a student at FSU, he was the subject of a long-form Rolling Stone piece on college party culture and was the inspiration for Van Wilder: Party Liaison. Now knowing that, this doesn't seem so impossible.

[@yogurtslinga09]

No matter how many times I hear this story it never skips a beat 🤣🤣

[@seahawks366]

One of the best stories ever

[@BTL812]

I love how it’s a story based in Russia, with a German theme song

[@EntryLevelLuxury]

"Alex, Igor and Sasha" Sasha is the pet name for Alex, so really there's two names :D

[@unstoppableavenger4901]

Sry for late answer and my bad English, but i want to tell that i think that Alex can be a pet name for Alexey though. So, it's makes more sense, if we talk about Alex and Sasha just like about Alexey and Alexander

[@jakenikolia1453]

This is so much better as a cartoon

[@mr.nobody9697]

one of the best stories ive ever heard.