BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDERED RELATIONSHIPS: WHY BPD AND NPD ATTRACT

[@michellesunnylatham4046]

16:35 Wow, you are telling my life story. I didn't have a safe parent, or a safe sibling, and that's why I felt so alone, so sad, and then eventually just angry because I had to protect myself. Both parents were emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive in addition to NPD and BPD. I wish people were required to PASS a mental health exam BEFORE they are allowed to have children.

[@DrKimSage]

I am so sorry for your struggle - I know how real and deep the pain can be....thank you so much for sharing and please take good care of yourself - you are worthy and deserving of being healed and whole.

[@michellesunnylatham4046]

@@DrKimSage thank you 💗🕉

[@DrKimSage]

@@michellesunnylatham4046 You are welcome!:)

[@realhealing7802]

I agree with you. Both parents and the sibling are narcissists. I had nowhere safe to go.

[@PassionateFlower]

Same here unsafe narcissistic parents, a borderline druggy step mom, and a narcissistic sibling. Nowhere left to turn. Always picked abusive men with NPD. No friends I can trust. All I have left is my anger and massive paranoia to keep me company. It's a f*cked up world out there without at least one truly safe parent or family member. May you all find safety and something or someone solid to ground you and use that as a springboard launchpad into the life you deserved to have all along😔🌸🦋

[@entrotlek]

I just had a discussion with my therapist about this very topic. Its so heartbreaking to finally see how I've sought out the very same familial dynamics in friends and boyfriend thinking they would be my saviors. You're doing such a wonderful service for those who can't afford therapy or those who are scared of what it looks like. Thank you again.

[@DrKimSage]

You are so welcome. I am so happy you have the support of a therapist, and I am so sorry for all you've endured. We want to heal and yet we often repeat the cycle - it is heartbreaking you are right. But, you are on a path and your awareness, motivation and support will truly change your life! Sending you support on your journey and thank you so much for watching and sharing:)

[@2strokeorchoke496]

I’m curious can NPD look for saviors as well. I’m a dark triad but definitely acted needy to a beautiful older borderline.

[@jeanshea6259]

Yes. Spot on. I am female BPD. My male mate of 26 years NPD. The beginning like you said " all sparkle . Then 25 years of his affairs right in front of me, he didn't even try to be discreet. After the second woman I couldn't even stand to have him touch me. But I didn't leave. So trauma bound. But finally sick of my own escalating rage and at 65 just so worn out. Two days ago I found my strongest conviction ever and left him. I can breath. Even with only two days without insults, devaluation, humiliation, walking on eggshells with everyday of my life being set hot and cold, pulled and pushed. I feel renewed. Anew . I even decided to change my name to Valor. It will fit who I am today and from now on. A sixty five year old brave Virgo lady that dyed her gray hair bleach blonde last night. Who can't stop looking at how different I look. Can't stop chanting " change is good" LOL. I finally made my truth be that it is never too late to start fresh. Thank you Dr. Sneed (and Dr Les Carter also Dr Grande) without your informative wisdom I followed on KZbin. I would have woken up up the past two days with that dreaded cloud hanging over me. No tears keeping me a prisoner indoors. For years I felt evicted from life. Today I own the world. 😁

[@tonibutler7730]

You go honey , so very proud of you. Myself have been dealing with NPD from daughter for like 17 yrs, God finally woke me up and set boundaries and no longer talk to her. I felt like a weight was lifted off me . Stay strong, honey, and know u deserve better.

[@stacypickens7798]

❤❤

[@robynquinn-hakeem1318]

You are my hero. You are an amazing woman. I want to be your friend IRL 😊

[@The_NutritionChef]

Wishing you well♥️

[@katinabotten]

Be careful what u reveal online

[@stephanieclarkson9494]

I've been in a BPD/NPD relationship for 6 years and counting. And this is bang on.

[@AuntJoey]

My BPD relationship with my grandiose NPD wife lasted ehhh 2 years.

[@dah_goofster]

@stephanieclarkson9494 are you guys still together? I’m wondering i really want to know if this dynamic can work… i hope it does

[@stephanieclarkson9494]

@@dah_goofster we are, it hasn't been easy though

[@SpiritualJellyfish]

2 years on and off and I'm exhausted

[@lindsayreinke3025]

My mom is on her third marriage, and this is the textbook situation. I am healing from my own insecure attachment/borderline traits, and struggling watching her go through this. Setting boundaries but wanting her to get help is proving to be insanely difficult. Thank you so much for this information!!! I love all you do, you’ve helped me SO much.

[@babikakes2107]

Do you think you could ever possibly do a part 2 with this of how the children would feel as a result of this? I can very much relate. Thank you for always speaking so freely and honestly about these topics ♥️

[@PassionateFlower]

I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder, I have Someone Abusive F*cked up My Childhood And Got Away With It By Acting Like It Never Happened Disorder

[@myiashayne1734]

Literally how I feel man I hate this life! They literally got away with screwing my life up now I can’t ever be happy. I loved my ex and maybe I could have helped him focus on his mental illness if I wasn’t too busy trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me

[@eliseta4232]

thank you Kim. I can't thank you enough. I feel that when we talk about trauma everything in addition is worth it because is such a complicated topic. My psychologist said the other day, "you, grew up with no safe caregiver". I could'nt understand it. Now I know.. My safe people where my puppets and fairies. No other human being. Now it's complicated to feel safe and as you say "every relationship is so drowning". There is hope with good hearts like yours and the people on the comments. Good care

[@jcarieri5435]

This is my life! Mother bpd, father npd. Me, lifelong depression, anxiety self loathing. Father finally pushed me to a major. breakdown. Barely got out of bed for several months and almost didn't survive it. I do alot of therapy and have had to be no contact for years now. I am still very broken from it all. I work hard to make it through each day and I am 54 yrs old. SH**** Parents do tremendous damage, and will never even acknowledge the horrible things that they have done to their kids. The father finally died a few months ago. I don't mourn his death, I mourn all of betrayals and abuses that I absorbed over the decades. Although my mind knows that none of it was my fault, my soul still feels like I failed. At least I am a much better father than he could have ever dreamed of being. I am not a narcissist! I build my children up not pull them down.

[@lisacranmer8005]

I'm with you.. FATHER monster, my Mom crazy/bipolar, sister- lier and abuser since kids, over steps her bounds..,

[@irenahabe2855]

Sam Vaknin made a video about how narc's venom got into the 'victim's mind... The negative rumination, self loathing thoughts.. are not Our thoughts. They were put into us. We can banish this stinking thinking now, and learn to start listening to our (quiet) original inner voice. 🙂

[@ameliayi5817]

Thank you, Dr. Sage. This explains a lot of questions I had for a long time about my relationships! I feel a sense of relief after watching your videos.

[@MarjjorieDawes]

Ugh, this dynamic is exactly what played out in my whirlwind romance this year. I am BPD. I am pretty sure he has NPD or something to that effect. Amazing, mind blowing at the start. My boy. Now, we've fallen out in exactly the manner you describe. He has limited empathy. I guess when I look up people like JODI ARIAS and TRAVIS ALEXANDER it could be a whole lot worse than just crying in bed with ice cream. Can it ever work between these two? We're in a push pull cycle but I feel like this is it, I can't see him again.

[@sarapersson9084]

Sondering too! Im in the same situation, so sad. Everytime I withdraw and give up he starts chasing me, I begin to miss him and ask if he wants to come over But then he rejects me. I withdraw again and he starts the chase. Why does he chase when he obviously doesnt want anything? Been crying so much.

[@Winwinwinno777]

@@sarapersson9084 I have high-functioning BPD. My narcissist ex wanted to stay friends after we both agreed that we should stop getting romantically involved. However, he kept feeding me breadcrumbs from time to time, and according to him, the Breadcrumbing was automatic. It was so manipulative and hurt me so much, so I decided to go no contact. It’s been 10 days. It’s so difficult.

[@sarapersson9084]

Thanks for your answer! I totally gave up, so now he very much wants to have sex again. So tired of this. I understand that its hard for you, you are very strong.

[@svenfernandes]

This description of the dangerous "dance". is the best I`ve commed across. Thank you. You got my humble subscription. 🙂

[@BillPalmerMusic]

Thanks for the video. Very informative. My wife’s parents are the classic male NPD (covert) and female BPD. She was raised to pander to her mother’s emotional instability (big swings between depression, rage fits and everything in between) whilst having a hyper critical, arrogant and emotionally distant father. BPD mother used her for years as her emotional tampon and personal consultant. She was expected to talk for hours on the phone and just soak up the garbage she spewed out. NPD and BPD are a toxic combination to be sure!

[@mehranmossaddad1656]

Hi Dr Kim. I lived with a bpd a very hard core one for 13 years. At first because she mimicked my thoughts I felt comfortable with her and I had a history with her when she was 19 on a revisit when 35 we had a child. I really felt bad for her, my situation with work, finances, the problems at home wouldn't give me really time to see what was happing with my daughter and she had not talked about it, I could see and feel there was something wrong until one day she opened up devastated talking about years of physical, verbal, emotional abuse. I took legal action against my partner she was translating me with this npd, with whom I tried to stay calm and not to provoke any thing set firm boundaries with him but I went through hell the guy was a complete don't have a name for it. My daughter was just a total emotional wreck, anger, self view, confidence, worth issues. Every thing she had told her was etched into her soul. I sat by her bed many nights talking to her and putting my head on her bed sitting next to it I would fall asleep. How was I going to mend my child. One morning staying up all night at dawn it came to me that I had to make something out of all this force redirect and change her perspective. I started talking about body parts and function the brain and how we understand it mental disorders, ... she became very interested and somehow she learned the rest on her own and expanded her knowledge, her diagnostic is dead on and accurate as she is a very keen observer.she is 11 now, I ask her to take the exam but she won't and when I ask her why she says she doesn't want to spend all her effort and money on studying mental health and having to deal with people's problems (crazies) much rather study law, nice mix. But now she still says she has residual anger issue and social anxiety which I think she doesn't have the latter as she has a very healthy social life with girls her age, very close friends, and the freedom to explore things independently of course with set parameters. It has worked out great so far. She has started showing empathy and expressing her feelings, she talks now and accepts different views very easily. What else needs to be done for her? I tell her all the time to see a counselor she says they won't do any thing for me but to say they are sorry.

[@Kaitlynnn64389]

I love listening to your videos, they are so helpful and educational. have you thought about doing a podcast? I would definitely listen to it. 😊

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you so much! So kind! I did a weekly radio show/podcast on 104.7 fm in laguna beach a few years ago- for a year - (you can still download the podcasts) and would like to perhaps again someday!

[@airgin3000]

Good God My mother and my Father 100% I even self diagnosed them - but I never thought it was a common thing.

[@_luckicharms]

I have been diagnosed BPD and after 2 years in therapy and taking medication I have been able to practice mindfulness and just observe my relationship. I realize now, after 9 years, that I am with some who is NPD presenting. I began the process of separating with him yesterday. Thank you for your insight and your videos I feel that I am helping myself to heal by educating myself on the abusive cycle I find myself stuck in.

[@ttyldarling4516]

Thank you for making these videos. 💜 How do we let people in again? After becoming a single mother, I slowly isolated myself, over the last ten years. Now I'm at the mercy of 'them' with no one to turn to for help. I so value your advice and input.

[@DrKimSage]

I can work toward adding this type of video - would recommend Pete Walker's book on Complex Trauma - and if you need more specific BPD and NPD parent books please lmk!

[@purplefinch29]

Untreated BPD / CPTSD tend to attract narcissistic partners like moth to the flame. I’m an autistic woman with CPTSD and borderline traits, and a relationship with a man who had narcisssitic / bpd traits led me to heal my shadow.

[@purplefinch29]

Dear god you’re describing our relationship

[@chrissemenko628]

​@purplefinch29 Mine too😢

[@SpiritualJellyfish]

Bpd Aspergers here... Just now finding out how much this actually made me naive to love this man

[@rmjmoviereviews6876]

Do borderlines purposely tell co-dependents what they want to hear? Or do they believe their words? My bpd ex would say we're soulmates and turn around to rage at me over something as simple as not finding coffee in the kitchen cabinet.

[@graycebrooks7597]

We mean what we say when we are calm and not stressed but it’s hard for us to have a filter when we are upset it’s just rage and we don’t usually mean it when we go off on this rant

[@grantberdell4872]

They mean what they say, at THAT time. The problem comes with the facts that they don't have a true identity, or know what true love is, and the biggest factor is the lack of emotional regulation. Their feelings are subject to change like the weather. Which means that the same way they love you at that time, they can actually hate you equally in just as short of an amount of time. I hope that this helped you.

[@whimsyoni]

when we get angry we’re probably splitting, we don’t mean what we say when we split but we also suck at emotional management because our emotions are so big, so we can end up projecting those frustrations on others. but once we come back to our senses we feel immense guilt. so she could feel like yall are soulmates but also when she gets mad that’ll probably portray the opposite

[@javauoblacima3863]

​@@whimsyoni😮

[@teen42]

I mean everything I say when I'm talking to my bf, I feel like I love extremely hard and when I'm raging it's the uncontrolled emotions spewing out. I don't mean what I say when I'm that mad trust me.

[@rishaa682]

I have npd mom and bpd dad, i have complex trauma, sometimes i think i have picked up some traits from them im still trying to figure it out

[@AndieDenise]

I feel you, I just went no contact with my bpd mom and possible npd dad. I kinda just realized my dad may be an npd watching this video 😭

[@johanna77777]

​@AndieDenise saying, "I feel you" to someone who said he have NPD is kinda funny

[@teen42]

Cptsd actually has a lot of the same traits as bpd, many overlapping similarities. I think your experiencing that and not the bpd. I also have cptsd and can relate. 😊

[@tnopsclark6179]

I’m trying to show my hubby the narc videos to explain why I the borderline is frustrated with him. We chose this video…but he lost interest before you ever started talking content. I would strongly recommend doing all the intro and subscribe/like for the end so we can quickly get the info to decide if we want to listen to your content or move on to another video. Thanks!

[@chrissemenko628]

💯💯💯💯💯💯 Babble at the end!!!!!

[@TheSpicySpeaker]

I think im the only NT in a family of 3 borderline people. My life has been a madhouse. Just keep pushing, people!

[@NiaJ144]

Wowwww you’re literally speaking my entire life

[@agnese2215]

My father has bpd and my mom npd…me too has bpd and i always attract man with npd and is a very toxjc realation…

[@khoakdoan]

Absolutely textbook. It has only been a week but I'm hanging in there.

[@n0426]

It’s really sad. Just discovered that my mother who is passed away was probably a borderline because my father is definitely a narcissist! 😭

[@dawnemile7499]

What about a combination of BPD and NPD in one person or at least a combination of traits from each disorder?

[@DrKimSage]

Yes - very common to see overlap and a decent amount of NPD (comorbidity) can be present in BPD especially...

[@SpiritualJellyfish]

Bpd consists of narcissistic part. Doesn't make you a narcissist tho

[@JB-in4dj]

This is spot on for my ex relationship.

[@laurenvines5525]

Crazy how accurate you described everything to a T

[@RLLUMB]

What is the answer for the borderline after leaving? It’s been over a year I haven’t had a relationship since my NPD ex. He is married again and I believe that marriage has ended.

[@poshperfect1393]

So are we all just screwed no matter what?! If my Mom is BPD and my Dad is NPD, are my spouse and I set for the same fate?!

[@everydayarty]

Thank you!! This was so helpful ❤️

[@DrKimSage]

thank you so much!:)

[@thedarksiren9309]

Oof. This was a hard reality about my relationship to have to face😭

[@Omenxiiii]

My mom and dad are npd and bpd. I am npd and my ex is bpd and now I’m in jail. Life sucks

[@mjchristie100]

I'm the boarderline and this is very accurate sadly.

[@AmberVallese-i9d]

I am bipolar I have extreme haws and I've extremely low's. And my husband is a narcissist. You've been together for 10 years. And I'm at my breaking point. My mind is confused. I don't know if I'm coming or going. I tried to explain this to him. He automatically felt attacked. And then the name calling started. And this went on for 2 days. I know it's an unhealthy relationship and I wanna g Leave But I can't find the strength Any Any advice Would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

[@NRGvideoproduction]

Thanks dr. Sage❤️

[@Nao-i1g]

Hi i have a narcissist boyfriend and he is asking me ti get married as he is in need of this because of his future. I am struggeling so bad for such a long time now becsuse i am scared. Do you know what i can do or he? He lives in germant and cant go back to his fsmily in another country. I want to help him i am just scared i will get hurt more.

[@chipot9165]

This is on point and now i know where my relationship leads.

[@robynquinn-hakeem1318]

I'm BPD and my partner who I have not seen in two months is NPD.... who I am trying to decide about whether I should leave or not. However we both have the ability to self evaluate and we have decent relational skills because we have both made changes in our lives that go against what a personality disorders tell us we should be however we are not in a healthy relationship at all. I see hope but I've been trying for the past two days to help him heal from his childhood wounds and just giving him so much empathy and love trying to show him that he needs to love himself and heal from this. But he completely ignored it and argued against it no matter how many times I said this is not an argument I meant this is not something that needs to be fought we just need to heal but he does not understand that. Help

[@Artfultaste5550]

Something to keep in mind is that it's not your job/responsibility to fix or save them I know it can be a difficult thing to accept but if you believe you love someones trauma away you'll be left in a loop

[@kaetlynmaddison5001]

oh my god thank you so much.

[@harrietdai480]

almost fatherly

[@inanitas]

Fuck. Should've ran when she said that she magically draws in BPDs. Or when she pretended her life was awesome and successfull when it was obviously not. Or when she started to shift all guilt onto me while happily announcing that I am the one projecting shame. Hell of a ride, feels like I unlocked an achievement lol.

[@wildartbyoldie]

Yup. My Mom and Dad in a nutshell

[@sommermeade3329]

I’m so tired

[@krystal9449]

Jesus it’s my life.

[@SpiritualJellyfish]

Mine too

[@BonitaBrandt]

I have just subscribed to this because I like the content; however, I do wish that this Doctor would slow down her speech. It would be easy for people who are Psychologists to keep up with her points, but we "lay people" need a little slower pace.

[@SpiritualJellyfish]

I loved him so much. Would do anything for him.

[@gabrielanderson9463]

Mon with BPD traits ✔️ Dad with NPD traits ✔️ me with bpd traits also and I just kinda fell into this man and he told me he was a dealing with some NPD traits as well so it's kinda checking out and I'm seeing my parents relationship in mt head and I'm picturing a future relationship deer christ

[@celinafisher7406]

Yep very electric but we were just having sex but he'd be really deep wish sharing cause he knew I also was wounded and he needed a woman not too attached to share his stories of other sexual twists etc. But he tried to make me in love..it worked kind of but from right on I knew he was either a narcissist or very narcissistic maybe BPD. His mother was a mess his dad was his best friend so ya.. but it was toxic I acted like I didn't care but I did inside wished be was obtainable. I got addicted but I always knew we were broken. Plus I wasn't looking for anything it lasted three .5 years and it was during the time I was saving money to move out of the country to be with my kids and then had a an illness prolong the time he was my fun time but it wasn't fun with a narcissist or narcissistic man. I knew from get go he was unavailable his kids and ex live here in the USA he won't move to Baja California where my kids are with their dad. I'm moving soon I'm native American I ain't even been to Mexico tho I grew up less than a couple of hours from Baja California. That knowledge saved me. I learned Soo much thru a lifetime of therapy.

[@kimmaddison8686]

I got BPD 😢

[@duelmonstertcg-ocg6353]

So this is explained everything I am the one with the border line is she's the one with the narcissist

[@lisakilian6988]

Very true

[@hearme4581]

Very accurate

[@DrKimSage]

thank you!!:) happy to hear it resonated!

[@joyjoy-b5f]

I was passed on from therapist to social workers and back Half my life, at least 350 in total It was more interesting to document my experiences As they did not know much about treatment And told me im too sick in my head and cost too much time and effort and i would never get better anyway, So no treatment for me But i dont believe it anymore And they used my BPD to blame me as a mum coming out of Domestic violence shelter, and not allowed to heal Cause my traumas were not real So technically i should have stayed abd let him beat us to Death So my rage has a reason Many reasons But i havent hurt anyone So i should at least get a stickrr for behaving good Since accusations are never far away But compliments never Interesting

[@Bonn-w3t]

😢😢People that have bpd or npd are floozy!!😮😮 Yes there are very toxic and they can have real healthy relationship so if that couple that had bpd and the other had npd and they were together for 25yrs😅 wow that was like rod sterling in the twilight zone!!

[@Lapointesun]

Good video

[@chante707]

10:40

[@mehranmossaddad1656]

My daughter 11 is on Medicare and I believe it would do her a lot of good if she talks to you. Can she?

[@richard-en2dx]

💋🍸🌹