Boundaries are not punishment

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Boundaries are not punishment

Рет қаралды 33,411

Күн бұрын

Boundaries are not a form of punishment if we are enforcing them in a healthy way. Boundaries are about protecting ourselves not about controlling other people. Boundaries are about our own values. They do NOT have to agree with us in order for us to enforce our own boundaries around disrespect or yelling or unsafe situations.
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#boundaries #relationshipproblems #conflictresolution

Пікірлер: 118

@kelseycoca 9 ай бұрын

"the only people who don't want you to have boundaries are the people who benefit from you not having any." I can't remember where I heard this but I think about it often

@jennifercooper3812 8 ай бұрын

Henry Cloud or John Townsend? Just a guess. They're the authors of Boundaries.

@Pinkdaimonddragon 8 ай бұрын

Jesus, say that out loud. So the people in the back can hear you. 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 I could’ve said it better myself. You deserve a 🏆.

@Shortstacksandticktacks 2 ай бұрын

I would feel creepy and ashamed if I was violating someone's space and didn't know it because they didn't have what they needed to set and enforce a boundary with me. That's the difference is some people are shameless. They tell me what my boundaries should be, according to what they project onto me, and disregard what I say.😊

@estrela3889 8 ай бұрын

"Healthy boundaries only threathen unhealthy relationships." Awesomely that simple!!!!

@Pinkdaimonddragon 8 ай бұрын

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

@minoh3213 5 ай бұрын

Is my partner telling me that i can't have 1 on 1 interactions or activities with opposite sex frindships healthy even if I have firm boundaries towards people and hanging out with opposite sex people is something that isn't my priority hence doesn't happen often? I know that boundaries are valid and essential in relationships but I hqve seen that this boundary oftentimes has an extremely negative effect since you cage your partner to avoid "unnecessary drama or confusion" I tried to find a middle point for both of us to feel comfortable and not to give up our own boundaries to fulfill the other. I would rather leave than disrespect his boundary but I am also disrespecting myself because I hinder my chances of growing intellectually amd professionally by doing what he asks me to. I would be grateful if I could get some advice, thank you🙏

@bubblebuffy 9 ай бұрын

“The glue that was holding those together was you abandoning yourself.” Oof. 😮

@lailas.3205 8 ай бұрын

That got me!

@5Demona5 8 ай бұрын

When I set boundaries with my aunt, she'd lose her shhit and say "I wish we'd go back to when we had peace!" Which sometimes I'd reply with "You mean when you walked all over me and I just took it like a good little doormat?" She'd shut up fast. She wanted to say yes, but knew she couldn't without looking baaaad

@quoeppel 8 ай бұрын

Great response!

@Pinkdaimonddragon 8 ай бұрын

The audacity of some people.

@AmaranthEternal 7 ай бұрын

"I never did that. You're making things up." I know that conversation all too well 😔

@TubeYouInger 7 ай бұрын

I realise that I did that too as well. Never learned healthy boundaries. Now I learning and respecting mine and anothers boundaries. I wonder as well, if someone says no and you ask why or say, what if the circumstances are and I do this (fill in what it can be)?' Is that violating a boundarie or bargening or just normal behaviour. Nowadays I just accept the no or whatever the answer is. But I still wonder sometimes... 🙏🌈💫🤍😇😘

@Danka42 8 ай бұрын

I was fortunate to find friends determined to respect boundaries I never learned to give. It sure felt like a whiplash at first. Only then I started to realize how unhealthy my upbringing was.

@sydoly123 9 ай бұрын

Unfortunately many can't differentiate a rule vs a boundary. The 2 are very different. A boundary is not to tell someone how to behave or value but to advocate for yourself about how you respond.

@katjongeward7155 9 ай бұрын

yes! you can not make anyone do anything. you only can control how you respond. "if you continue to insult me, I'm leaving the room." you can't say "stop insulting me," they might for a minute, but, not really.

@mryan4719 10 ай бұрын

I once wrote a looooong letter (like 6 pages?) trying to explain to someone why I was establishing new boundaries with them using language that I hoped would minimize the chances of further offending them. 😂

@katjongeward7155 9 ай бұрын

and they yawned. been there. sorry.

@Bev4Drawing 9 ай бұрын

And they completely misunderstood them didn't they. (My experience.)

@mryan4719 9 ай бұрын

@@Bev4Drawingyup

@artifundio1 8 ай бұрын

"committed to misunderstanding us" Ouch!!, that rasonates strongly. It's almost commendable the variety of ways they find to understand something different of what we intended. And deflect the blame.

@AngelaLynn-cq8fl 10 ай бұрын

I was called insecure for asking my guy to stop following 25yr olds with T&A showing on social media for everyone to see. He declined so it was time for me to pull the plug. This amount of disrespect after 5 years together is ridiculous. This was not the first incident! I don’t think he will ever show me the respect I deserve.

@Iamlearningtolove 10 ай бұрын

Good for you!!

@can.dice1117 9 ай бұрын

Ugh been going through this exact fckn thing.... 2 years in. Living together. Is there a support group for women going thru this shit? 😅

@winterroses2020 9 ай бұрын

@@can.dice1117probably better to find support for divorcing/leaving someone who is being toxic

@jennifermiller8698 8 ай бұрын

Those guys are creeps.

@leahweinberger583 8 ай бұрын

@can.dice1117 yes! The single ladies club. Join !!

@heidighekiere7588 9 ай бұрын

Soo good! 'Healthy boundaries only threaten unhealthy relationships'🙏

@koellekind 8 ай бұрын

YES. On point 🎉

@anneyoung2310 8 ай бұрын

Sometimes you set a boundary simply because "me is not you."

@tedamjoke 8 ай бұрын

Wow that was a great video. Exactly what happened. I finally realized that no matter how much I try he is never going to try. I have to take him back to court a mere 6 months after our divorce for not paying the very bill that caused us so much animosity in the marriage- health insurance. I decided I will no longer argue or tell him how much he is hurting me. He doesn’t care. So I will let the lawyer do it! 🤷🏻‍♀️

@hilsbroorjlch3259 8 ай бұрын

I have taught my children that no one is waiting to save them; most of the time you’ll have to save yourself.

@SharonKBM 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for this. I am going through this now, setting a boundary with someone who neglects me, and everything you said is very helpful to me.

@cherylmoschitto_outwardsilence 10 ай бұрын

Well said and great reminder 🙏🏼

@sohinisen3042 7 ай бұрын

Insightful. Thank you very much for sharing. "There's no point arguing with someone who's committed to misunderstanding us." Nothing can be truer than this. 💯 I have learnt it the hard way. A lesson that I will never ever forget in my life. I respect and appreciate most people but from a safe distance. I respect those who interact with me keeping a similar distance.

@jennebeattie3168 8 ай бұрын

"A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still".

@mmoro143 7 ай бұрын

AMEN to that!! It is better to be alone that to stay in a toxic relationship. It is better to be in a healthy loving relationship, than to be alone 🙏😉. Work in progress..let's go❤

@janemarlo4978 9 ай бұрын

Fabulous... had to listen 3 times to absorb all the important info in this short message!

@annamarietaljaard1193 10 ай бұрын

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR TEACHINGS! IT IS FULL OF WISDOM ADVICE AND TRUTHS.

@TIJD19 8 ай бұрын

I learn more from your videos than in my 45 min therapy sessions 3 × a week 😮

@jmas2312 7 ай бұрын

lol. You need a better therapist. ❤

@AberdolphLinklr 9 ай бұрын

Should discuss how you shouldn't articulate your boundaries to... certain people. Those people will then go out of their way to then defy and violate those boundaries, then gaslighting you into "reactionary abuse"

@lizstokes9091 7 ай бұрын

How do we get this comment to the top?!? They're so sneaky about it, no wonder so many of us are afraid to be vulnerable! Who CAN we trust?

@AberdolphLinklr 7 ай бұрын

@@lizstokes9091 yourself- You wake up with you, go to sleep with you, cry with you, YOU live with your decisions, you are with you when you're alone, when you're with your friends, family, heart broken, experiencing joy and severe trauma. You must trust and love yourself above all, because you are with you always. Don't be selfish and careless about others, but you MUST matter to you. I hope that makes sense.

@MsBettyRubble 8 ай бұрын

Boundaries are a set of personal limitations. You never have time verbally share those boundaries with others. In many cases that can be dangerous. Decide what you'll do when a boundary is tested. For example, many years ago I had a relative I could not be alone with. I told my parents and others that I didn't want to be alone with that person and I was criticized and called rediculous. Without knowing what I was doing (setting boundaries), I decided to never be alone with the person and never to visit that person. I made sure I followed my boundary. I had to rely on myself to provide the safety I needed because clearly everyone else thought I was an idiot for asking for help. That person would always suggest visits. I'd always say something noncommittal. I got what I needed. My parents thought I was "nicer". Boundaries are for our safety physically, emotionally, financially, etc. And sometimes that boundary includes not sharing them with others.

@carolniemann8966 10 ай бұрын

I should probably start every day by watching this.

@orangeziggy348 8 ай бұрын

Of course it’s not that cut and dried. They can do loads and tons for you, then one day things change, and they stop, suddenly they become super needy and don’t respect your boundaries or care about you and your boundaries….the person you thought loved you now is violating you constantly. Yes, people change. It’s not a question of whether they love or don’t love you, they can still love you; it’s sad really because ultimately it’s up to,you to leave them or continue to get yourself misused, betrayed, burned out. Once again, it’s not a matter of whether they love you or not, that’s the part that is the worst.

@prishaaneha 7 ай бұрын

Very nice advice to stop ourselves from feeling guilty of distancing from such unhealthy relationships

@v_kaydubz7424 8 ай бұрын

"Healthy boundaries threaten an unhealthy relationship." And unhealthy boundaries threaten a relationship before it has even started.

@leahweinberger583 8 ай бұрын

If you're not willing to respect someone's boundaries then no You should not be in a relationship with them

@Vercanya 10 ай бұрын

So well said.

@cristinavoinea8540 8 ай бұрын

Thank you. If you want healthy relations you should put boundaries especially with close family.

@homiekeen23 9 ай бұрын

That was me, refusing other people's boundaries 😖 (and my own)

@rusymptote 8 ай бұрын

Can you make a video about drawing a distinction between relationships we cannot help but persist in, even to small degrees (family) and relationships where we have a choice whether to persist in (friendships, romantic relationships, co-workers)? Setting and maintaining boundaries against someone who just wants to disregard these boundaries (meaning, they don't care about your well-being or needs at all) is draining. It's a constant, uphill task. There are plenty of times when it's best to disengage, intelligently (a planned exit) because the fact is, if you nees to keep setting and maintaining these boundaries, that person doesnt give a crap about your feelings or mental health. Either they cannot due to their own issues/stress, or they are just an actual a$$hole. Sometimes the best boundary is a full exit.

@EmmyFluff 8 ай бұрын

Me experimenting with having boundaries with my ex: "Hey, that conversation last night was actually kind of traumatic. In the future if a conversation gets too emotional and is no longer productive, I may need to remove myself from the situation until we both have had a chance to calm down again." Ex's response: "So you would just abandon me in my darkest moment?! (Friend) put you up to this didn't they?!" Good times. 🙃

@menorabbit 8 ай бұрын

I'm going thru a breakup. Sort of, kinda of... I've never had boundaries with anything in my life. I'm 24. And I keep trying to make everyone be okay with eachother. I feel like my entire life would fall apart if I don't stay as this "glue". But by abandoning myself, I feel crazy and I'm breaking. I love the way you put this and other things. I wish I could listen to you explain this further 😔 Do you have another video about this?

@EmmyFluff 8 ай бұрын

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It sounds very relatable. Especially "trying to make everyone okay with each other" while also never having boundaries. But you will get through this, and you will be stronger on the other side. And you will probably learn some things a decade sooner than I did. ❤

@menorabbit 8 ай бұрын

@@EmmyFluff thank you so much

@EmmyFluff 8 ай бұрын

@@menorabbit I agree. At the very least I'm happy to continue this thread if it helps. But I seriously wish you well too and hope that your life has more joy and peace soon. Don't be afraid to seek help or support if you need it.

@GodofPainBelial 7 ай бұрын

You may also want to look into codependency. This seems like what you described here, so that may be helpful too. Good luck.

@junebugyolks 2 ай бұрын

I explained my boundaries, which are simply offering trust and respect when interacting with me. And my dad disregarded that, gaslit me, and laughed at me. But I'm confident that I know I tried my best and I'm better because of it. If he wants to remain stagnant, then he will never be invited into my pool again.

@hippiechick2112 10 ай бұрын

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

@evil1by1 8 ай бұрын

Id love to see a definition of a boundary. I see alot of people using emotional manipulation to get what they want under the guise of "boundries". Ie do what I want or else. I understand boundaries to be if then statements not do this or else or ill only engage with you under these terms. Such as I no longer engage with a family member when she starts gossiping. I dont cut her off or try to lecture, I just end the interaction when it goes to gossip. I will re-engage if the topic is not gossip. I see alot of "I won't go to Xmas if that family member is there and thats my boundary and your disrespecting me by not allowing me to dictate who gets to come and go at a home I dont own and a function I didnt throw."

@kiraoshiro9251 8 ай бұрын

setting a boundary is as harmless as self expression. you don't impose anything on anyone. where a self expression is you invoking an idea in others with your presence, a boundary is simply you revoking that presence once it's crossed. if anyone's boundary is "if X is going to be there, then Y won't go" full well knowing X goes every year, then Y should expect never to go and not argue with the host or others either. the boundary is the line, and when you use words or actions to cross someone else's, that is an offense. and to such an offense like Y arguing with the host, they could set one of the most common boundaries they likely have "if Y is going to be unpleasant, then I won't give an invite to them anymore" basically if it's something that when crossed you could revoke something of your's, and assuming it isn't necessary for them to have, then that is a boundary. it could be worked into "I won't give you _ if you _" so your's would be "I won't give you my presence if you gossip"

@tracystoermer9638 8 ай бұрын

Playing this on repeat until my people pleaser gets the hint.

@emilyb5557 10 ай бұрын

This is a great perspective.

@fourmacs8167 7 ай бұрын

Describes my mother to a T. So happy I no longer have a relationship with her. I mean I’m literally the happiest I’ve ever been.

@ij2647 8 ай бұрын

thinking about my mom who argued that me setting boundaries was the same as me hurting her, and how dare i. (context: it was when i left the room because i refused to be screamed at. i am almost 30)

@concettasultan8570 7 ай бұрын

Thank you for your videos. Your delivery is outstanding ❤

@selenesundara 9 ай бұрын

This was so helpful for me, thank you 🙏

@cloudyskies5497 7 ай бұрын

Whoa this had a lot of good stuff in it, I'm going to watch this again.

@chirpieone9193 7 ай бұрын

And be prepared for them to become more annoyed or angry with you for your boundaries until you hold your ground and they know you are serious or you quit them altogether. Read an old but excellent book by Harriet Golhor Lerner called The Dance of Anger. She calls this the desperate " switch back reaction". Your change is threatening to them so they are determined to get you to reverse so they do not have to face themselves. Expect it might happen but stick to your truth!!!!

@Jaxmusicgal23 8 ай бұрын

And the unhealthy partner will sometimes try to set boundaries like: You will not speak that or “so & so’s name again in my presence”. Its always demanding the opposite party from them to do something. Healthy boundaries are: If you speak about x,y,z or “so & so”. I will choose to leave the room and no longer engage in conversation with you. Kinda petty about a subject but its better. I do know my hubby uses disrespect as a boundary but his idea of disrespect is letting him know what he said hurt and any following invalidation or gaslighting or deflecting or defense given by him I call out or asking him to not yell. Or refusing to answer him when he is yelling or upset cuz it will escalate the fight…. Yeah, thats disrespect to him and he calls in his boundary either to leave or demand I respond to him.

@RugRat6956 7 ай бұрын

My husband states “ are you ill “ Something always has to be wrong with me???! “ how are You going to fix this “ “ I don’t want to argue “ …. Before a word even comes out!!????

@acb9753 8 ай бұрын

So much wisdom in 1.44 min. Wow. Thank you❤

@tishie42 8 ай бұрын

Add the partner being on drugs and the other in recovery and you get a whole shit show in top of this. Asking for respect and boundaries and saying my expectations was always turned into an attack. Followed by you never loved me anyway. Like bro I gave up too much of me for you. That glue statement hits home. My abandoning my needs was keeping us together. It's sad that that he can't see anything past the end of his nose. I hope he can better. We aren't together and he's struggling and I feel bad sometimes that I'm not. He's even said if you loved me this wouldn't be so easy for you. It's not easy but I have to have sanity and sobriety or my life means nothing. Nope. Just all nope. And I have been that person before too. Manipulative even though I didn't think so. And now that I can see my behavior and self reflect before I act, I don't want to be on either side. I want something in the middle with emotion regulation and healthy boundaries. Not perfect but certainly making progress.

@Rys12.3-4_5 8 ай бұрын

Healthy boundaries only threaten unhealthy relationships .

@TheLovelyMissBeans 8 ай бұрын

I find myself having so many ah ha moments watching your videos.

@puppetfix5871 8 ай бұрын

Thank you!

@BeautifulYou33 8 ай бұрын

Oh, God bless this man.❤

@hannahplantpie6728 4 ай бұрын

Thank you.

@wolke2298 8 ай бұрын

so on point!!

@corinahill4996 9 ай бұрын

"Boundaries" the way you explan them were taught to me as ultimatums. What is your explanation of ultimatums??

@leahweinberger583 8 ай бұрын

It's an ultimatum it's a consequence this is where I'm comfortable and this is where I'm not and if you can't respect somebody's boundaries then no you really should not be with them

@caddieohm7059 8 ай бұрын

Most people don't know the difference between boundaries and punishment. They are so happy they get permission to set so-called boundaries when in reality they are just too lazy or incapable of communication.

@blissful1689 8 ай бұрын

Thank you so much. I’m a newer subscriber struggling with a separation process now after years of caretaking and trying to focus on healing and learning to manage my co dependent bent. This was very affirming. Thank you for your content. It matters to me ❤️‍🩹 “The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His face on you and give you peace.” ( Numbers 6:24-26)

@lisastenzel5713 8 ай бұрын

I read the title, feeling confused. Cos what has this to do with punishment, I thought? And with every sentence...I thought more and more about my twin sister. She hurt me one too many times with a bunch of lies. And I cut contact to save myself and to heal and so I showed her my boundary, right?! Told her, we are done. Whenever she truely changes her mind and wanna clear it all up, take back the disgusting things she accused me off, I am still there. But until that day I am gone. So, she calls after 11 months and wants to talk, repeating every single insult. While begging me to establish contact. Couple of months later, she calls again. Even several times, cos she didn't reach me. Telling me part of it was meant, part of it she blamed her hormones, but she refuses to apologize. Why I don't know, cos I hung up at that point. Still, she said she called just to get in contact again. At that point, when she called again...I was like: What do you want? You need something!? You only ever came for me if you needed something. She denied needed anything. Well, I think it's safe to say... she finally realised that you can't just forget about a twin sister. I tried very hard. Believe me. I tried anything to get free of that pain. And she doesn't even gets that she did something wrong. Even when her partner got into a fight after he heard what she accused me off. Her partner is a very nice guy, who has a traumatizing first relationship. He has the biggest heart. I feel like she is gonna break it one day. But, I drifted. I put two and two together when I watched this video. Gave me a good reflection. Sometimes you only know things in the back of your mind, and not really consciously. This brought it to the surface. Thank you

@yomiseno 8 ай бұрын

He doesn't care, he wants people to act a certain way that he's coming after them so he can feel good about his insecure self and prove his insecure self. He doesn't want what's healthy, he wants to be THE MAN who comes after the woman then making them walk in eggshells. Then when they act like it and totally ignore him because hes annoying and would rather do something elsw, he plays victim.

@asmranonymous8591 6 ай бұрын

Holy crap y'all. I tried to hold a boundary this morning and everything fell apart. My boundaries are simple - please don't yell at me, cuss at me, or call me names. We had a disagreement over how to download something on the tablet and he started yelling. When I reminded him of my boundary, he said he yells because I push him to that, because I frustrate him until he can't handle it anymore, and that any person on the planet would react the same way. I tried to explain that I feel disrespected when he yells at me, that it hurts me. He said You're not hurt, you're not disrespected. He said if anything, HE was the one who was being disrespected because I even suggested that he was disrespecting me. He called me a liar and a manipulator, said I was gaslighting him and that I clearly had a chemical imbalance, and that I should seek professional help if I think there is anything wrong with the way he treats me. This is the 3rd time this week he yelled at me and I asked him to respect my boundary. He said he has always been a yeller and that I don't get to suddenly decide that I have a problem with it. He said that is wrong and no one could live up to my standards of how I should be treated or spoken too. He said that facts are the only thing that matters and that the FACT is that he isn't doing anything wrong and it's not his fault I FEEL like he is. So yeah, that escalated quickly.

@laurenj6771 8 ай бұрын

Punishment is always being based in revenge, boundaries are based in respect

@DS-hq1um 3 ай бұрын

But the question is, how many times do you remind them of your boundary before you realize they don't care about that boundary? Once or twice - maybe they didn't know that was a boundary of yours. Or maybe they honestly just forgot in the amidst everything. But a fifth time, a sixth time?

@jesseskellington9427 8 ай бұрын

Well said! 🎉❤😂😅😊

@AmaranthEternal 7 ай бұрын

Damn. Can I get just a whole quote list

@fartmagus 8 ай бұрын

What are your opinions/feelings on forgiveness? Thanks!!

@AECH_CH 8 ай бұрын

This is really true, but I'd just advice to keep it pragmatic in real life. Things happen, stress and external preassure and factors are also a thing. In todays day and age I definetly feel that people leave to soon without communicating, and not too late (at least a vast majority). But if someone literally plays dump idiot even though you told them 10 times you don't want to be yelled at for no reason - well yeah that's not gonna work I guess.

@jesseskellington9427 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for removing the sex out of the partnership and also bringing up family members :-)

@taydertauht 4 ай бұрын

What if you set a boundary for someone, and then not too long after they set a boundary as a “let’s see how you like it” or retaliation? Like for me if a boundary is set, a boundary is set. But what if the way they set/present it as a jab to you setting yours previously?

@minoh3213 5 ай бұрын

@mmoro143 7 ай бұрын

Ty for sharing Jimmy (and btw wisdom needs no school certification - Did Jesus and apostels have any titles ("counselors" "therapists" "life coaches" "psychologists")?🤔🤣🙏🌸