How to Create Consequences for Repeat Boundary Violations - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Have you ever had someone cross a boundary you set multiple times? What did you do? Do you feel more confident about handling it now? Remember to download the guide for scripts! www.terricole.com/boundary-violations-guide/

[@lifeloverlorijean]

Yes, I have. One thing that has helped me, is the old adage, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" unless you have a damn good reason. I will give an example. A man I was dating was very indecisive. He changed his mind so frequently, our couples therapist even said it gave him emotional whiplash. I was glad the therapist stated that too. I realized this man had deeper unresolved issues that began long before I ever came into his life. What I did is move on emotionally. I now let him deal with his issues, and stopped going to therapy with him because it was always all about him. I had already worked hard to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. I knew I could not depend on him to keep his word. He lives in fear, which is also a form of pride. I now don't rely on him. I started to date others. Yes, I feel more confident. Thanks Terri, for more great advice.

[@nadiajr1500]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge, experience and wisdom with us

[@goddess158]

what about with a partner who name calls in fights , where i have not walked away every time , are the only consequences walking away or ending the relationship ? I cant see anything else other then that sadly. how could i set a boundary around going to couples therapy together ? i mean if it's a deal breaker ? or would that be controlling , i am confused in certain dynamics here. my partner and i are in a long distance relationship , so leaving to get on the train after he has called me a bitch in and told me to eff off etc , it seems drastic but im thinking its probably the only way he will start to see i'm not tolerating it. i feel ashamed that i have gone back on this many times so i think he knows now that i wont leave. He has also threatened to break up in many fights and although i have said this is the last time you do this , we always somehow resolve it and then he does it again.

[@sherrisolomon8673]

Terri, I can honestly say your teachings are teaching me on both sides as having my boundaries broken in many hurtful ways but I'm honest to say I have unintentionally broken other boundaries as well of the people in my life and have hurt them.

[@elipotter369]

@goddess158 the leaving the relationship or staying and tolerating whatever it is ypu don't like are the only options if nothing you say or try leads to any change by them. So, ypu choose the verbally abusive relationship or you choose to leave. If leaving is too hard, seek counselling for yourself with the aim of building up your own person hood so you can make healthier life affirming choices. I personally did leave a relationship after the third cycle of being screamed at, apologies of."I didn't realise it was wrong, sorry it won't happen again" - 3 times & I saw that WAS the cycle. It wasn't going to change. It came out of nowhere and was vile. Of course he didn't really care or value me. I then took a few months to choose the time that I felt ready to split it up permanently.

[@tenningale]

If you can't go no contact: #1 don't share any personal information (they weaponize all info against you) #2 don't react + don't show emotions (they smugly use this against you to gossip and lie that there's something wrong with you) #3 don't personalize their behavior (they’re mentally ill and they will not change)

[@andreacravinhos9603]

Thank you. Dealing with aging narcissistic mom who's going to be living with us for the next year.

[@tenningale]

@@andreacravinhos9603 I deal with a narcissistic mother too and I "Gray Rock." Brief, factual, unemotional. "Ok" "yes" "no" "that's nice" that type of stuff. I don't give any personal info, opinions, or respond to any baiting. I've learned they store that stuff in their head and use it against you down the line.

[@lizaddison5751]

This is how I now deal with it too. Once you know they will NEVER respect your boundaries, You just need to live them. ❤❤

[@angellove6023]

My husband was in the hospital for weeks. I experienced lovely, heartwarming, understanding help and ears from my friends. Except from my husband his sister. I set my boundaries firm to her, respectful, mindful, friendly, etc... She reacted so toxic and full of poison. I forgave her. I know not everyone has emotional intelligence, self-reflection, consciousness. But I know I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't need people who are toxic, destructive, poison. I want people who are good for my wellbeing. ❤️🌺🙏♥️🔥👍

[@OneWhoKnowz]

Agreed

[@mariagarza1269]

That's understandable, but I hope you showed some sensitivity to her as well. Your husband is also her brother, and I'm sure she was very concerned about him and wanted to be included.

[@MichaelAlbrecht-d7z]

I am a heterosexual male and volunteered in a number of organisations and recovery programs. My boundaries were not respected and I was abused.Be very careful about whom you talk too.

[@tslilbearshoppe9870]

I said the same thing to my husband. No cheating no hitting me or our children because you'll see the back of our heads leaving.

[@avanellehansen4525]

I have a door mat (Amazon) that reads, "Did you call first?" 😂

[@terri_cole]

👏👏👏

[@louiza-m6q]

Love it 😂 I am definitely buying one of those. I would never have known such a thing existed if it wasn't for you ❤ thank you 😊

[@josiproposi]

What's the context? ^^

[@avanellehansen4525]

@@josiproposi If I'm not expecting you, I won't answer the door. I don't like pop ins.

[@josiproposi]

@@avanellehansen4525 Ooooh okay!!! I read it with an emphasis on the "you" and wondered whether you wanted to find out who was the one who called first :D Like "Did YOU call first, or did I?" ...

[@lizaddison5751]

Once they show you they will NEVER respect your boundaries, YOU need to respect your boundaries.... took me a long time to learn how to do this, but I have... and they know it! Little to no relationship left, but that is soo much better then a toxic relationship.

[@elipotter369]

I don’t have any friends who are late, but my daughter almost always is. I had some frank discussions as to why, so she knows how i feel & she tries. However, as she is very busy with work, friends in crisis & crammig in activities, i decided to just not put more pressure on her, but to relax and do a sketch or read something fascinating, and always be sitting waiting somewhere confortable where i could order a coffee. I ended up so chilled and relaxed, haha!

[@terri_cole]

Way to go, Eli! 🙌

[@maevey3]

Does she turn up late for work too? My friends used to turn up late to dinner parties I threw, & gave the excuse of "kids" over and over. This is while they were managing to hold down jobs. I think they would have been sacked if they kept being late. I just stopped the dinner parties. Too upsetting.

[@elipotter369]

@maevey3 she struggles to get to work on time, but by 5-10 minutes, not 15-30 minutes. In some ways, it's natural for kids, especially same sx, to push against a mother, as they try to establish independence fromthe person who is closest to them, so i cut her some slack. As she got to late 20s, she got more considerate, mature and caring towards me. But she never got away with being too disrespectful, selfish and nasty without me having something to say or do about it. I am the person she knows she can rely on, above all others- her rock and soft place to fall.

[@elipotter369]

@maevey3 I agree with your decision to not do dinner parties anymore if it was too aggravating. Kids can be harder to manage in the evening than for a morning routine - but you're right, people will try harder for a job than with family and friends where they feel there are lesser consequences.

[@angellove6023]

The reaction after setting my boundaries, the violence of my boundaries is so below my dignity. I've to take care of myself, my wellbeing. I'm the only person who can do it. ♥️🔥🙏

[@MischaelaRichter]

This is SUCH important information. I wasn't even aware of the concept of boundaries until my late 20's when I was in a toxic relationship that FORCED me into awareness of my boundaries. Things had to get so extreme before I recognized the importance of having boundaries. I wish I knew this information before it had to get to that point but I arrived in my own time and I'm a boundary boss now! Thank you for sharing this value and I hope your audience applies this information before they get to a point of extreme pain and suffering. If they're already there, it's possible to change! I'm living proof of that. I'm setting boundaries with my (lovely) husband, my family, my in-laws, my clients and my friends and it's brought so much more ease to my life!

[@Soph-rv9tb]

I learned about boundaries only in my 30s when I volunteered at a mental health helpline - the management identified that I struggled with boundaries around ending the calls (some callers would try to prolong the conversation and sometimes use manipulative techniques to go on talking for hours). In the beginning, I thought the seasoned staff were quite cold and heartless at times, but I then realised that I wasn't kind by giving in, I had poor boundaries. Eye opener!

[@angellove6023]

I've set my boundaries. My husband doesn't like it at all. I told him that I'm not going to put my values, boundaries in the trash for his sake. So he doesn't talk to me. I told him that he better has a relationship with someone who has no boundaries, values, doesn't stand up for herself etc... I know I can't and won't change him. I can only change myself. With my mother and sister, I already set the consequences. I haven't seen them since the end of July and I still feel relieved but every day I think about her that she is not good for my wellbeing. 🔥🌺 The way my husband does now is neither good for my wellbeing.

[@maevey3]

Good on you!

[@angeloftheuniversehartel-ry9ve]

I've set my boundaries again and again, for a million of times, in a gentle, respectful way. It didn't work. Then I did it firm. It worked, for a few months. Then I was so fed up that I did it so firm, respectful, and with the consequences. Since then, end of July, I haven't seen or heard my mother and sister no more. I send the cards unopened back. She calls, also on my smartphone but I can't hear if speak with my mother. From my sister I don't hear anything. After reading books about narcissistic people, boundaries, etc, I feel, very strong, I don't want people in my life anymore who are toxic, poison, not good for my wellbeing. Who don't have emotional intelligence, self-reflection, consciousness. Also with other people and even today with a friend of mine. People who are not good for my life, heart, soul. I'm getting stronger and stronger. I'm so tired and fed up with such kind of persons, relatives, friends, family, energies. Thanks for everything Terri. Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️🔥🔥🔥🙏🙏🙏🌺🌺🌺🤗🤗🤗

[@NasrinMansuripur]

I wish I found you many many years ago. Brilliant presentation. Thank you so very much.

[@terri_cole]

Well I am glad you're here now ❤️❤️

[@fr3agy]

Thank you so much for saying that communicating boundaries and their consequences is not the same as controlling the other people.. I has to set boundaries with my brother who disrespected me over and over again and once I set my boundaries, the first thing he said „YOU SOUND LIKE OUR CONTROLLING DAD, YOU ARE SUCH A NARCISSIST“ - that comparison really hurt me..

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry you experienced that behavior from your brother and I am holding space for your hurt ❤️

[@AngPoe]

My Mom is constantly pushing the clear boundaries I’ve set.

[@terri_cole]

I'm sorry to hear that ❤️

[@pwhite5411]

I’ve had family of origin repeat offenders and I swear sometimes they have a sense of entitlement and view a simple request and a boundary as a challenge. I’ve done the “ not going to the door” as a consequence. I love boundaries!!!! ❤

[@terri_cole]

Family of origin can often be the most difficult when it comes to boundaries. So glad you aren't letting that stop you from setting them ❤️

[@danielegintonlandscapearch4953]

I sure do. My mother… Such joy. Luckily she lives 1,000 miles away. Thanks for your work! ❤

[@beverleyheinze3840]

Such a great video. I had a friend who was always late and left me waiting in restaurants. When I raised it with her she said that her real friends understood that lateness was who she was and didn’t complain!

[@MT-uf8xh]

I had a friend like that and ended up ghosting her. She can do that with other people. Everyone’s time is important. Period

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

Thank you Terri for some excellent real life applications. How do I ask a colleague to stop speaking abrasively to me? I know they will look all innocent, deny it then turn it back on me with worse confrontation in private... this person has literally left me shaking more than once, worse than that it felt abusive as I was at a particularly vulnerable time in my life. Thanks for forgiving your sister, lateness is a sign of disregulation from abuse. We absolutely hate out lateness but those neural pathways are carved deep doing everything else because we are not good enough, or not brought enough etc instead of setting out to our destination 🙈❤️🙏

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome! With someone like this, I think it’s best to do it in the moment. The next time they are talking to you in that way, hold up your hand in the STOP position and say, “Hey Bob, can you tone down the hostility, please, so I can actually hear what you’re saying?” They may still deny it, but saying it straight up will also send a message that you are not going to silently put up with their bullshit! You got this, and I am cheering you on. ❤️

[@janathena7164]

I attempted to set a boundary with a friend about not helping to plan a meeting for an organization we belong to. She kept trying to ignore my boundary by adding me to the email meeting list and sending me Evites. I repeatedly asked to be taken off the committee list. Then, a week before the event, she sent a text asking if I would help her with flowers for the meeting. Unfortunately, I listed a number of reasons why I would not help her with the flowers for that meeting, which then allowed her to 1. criticize my reasoning, 2. tell me my reasons were invalid AND 3. implied that I am emotionally unhealthy based on my reasoning. This made me really angry, and I sent another text explaining why her assessments were not true. She then became really angry and quit the organization!!! What I learned from this experience is that the word "no" is a complete sentence. I should not give elaborate reasons to explain my boundaries because it then allows the other person to criticize me, insult me, and potentially blow up our friendship.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry your friend reacted this way ❤️ One of my favorite quotes from Deepak Chopra is: “You never have to convince anyone of anything, ever." This changed so much for me.

[@Maliilse75]

@@terri_cole Wow! What a quote! Thank you for sharing,

[@lisadee9749]

Again, love the scripts!

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@jacquelinebates2224]

Terri ❤ you are incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the work you do!!! ❤❤❤ Your energy and the content/book you have created has been incredibly insightful and empowering for me. I never felt like I had a right to voice my heart without it being shamed, neglected, called names, told I was wrong, etc etc. Taking baby steps towards setting healthy boundaries in my relationship with my partner and my mother 🫶🏼 boy they really haven’t been a fan but it is really forcing me to take great care of myself and become a healed mother for my son. Many blessings to you ❤

[@terri_cole]

Amazing, Jacqueline ❤️❤️ I am cheering you on!

[@fuhgetabatit1051]

I always wondered how to handle repeat offenders, thank goodness this video exists.

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful for you ❤️

[@f.t.9889]

Thank you, Terri! What a great episode 👏 I can barely imagine that you have struggled with this. I'm working on improving this. I'm at the point where I need to learn to calm down properly before speaking my boundaries, because I get enraged at how inconsiderate and ignorant/toxic some people can be. Especially when it comes to exploitative and unjust people. They can really make me boil with fury. This is my next step to master.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your anger ❤️

[@f.t.9889]

@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri! I appreciate it! Have a blessed and wonderful day! 😊 ❤️

[@MS-ns4ki]

I need to be left alone

[@ProceedWithCaution0916]

I just found your videos today and have spent a good part of my morning listening to the video 'Self Parenting: Heal the Mother Wound.' I've alreay watched it 3 times today, journaled about it and I've written the ways I self- soothe. Not only do I have a toxic mother; a mother wound, I have been on the receiving end of sexual assault, workplace sexual harassment, been a stalking victim a number of times. Not until I joined a SA survivors support group did I realize that I did not know how to set boundaries.. Needless to say, my toxic, narcissistic mother has AWAYS crossed my boundaries even into adulthood. She has always invaded my privacy, read my journals, stolen my belongings, etc. I never learned to enforce my boundaries. I haven't watched this video yet however I look forward to watching it. Thank you for the extremely helpful content. ❤️

[@paulaholder9292]

Thanks Terri ❤. Your videos are like having a library of you to speak with when an issue comes up in my life. Helps me build confidence and helps me stay on track.

[@terri_cole]

You're so sweet, Paula 💕 Glad my videos are helpful!

[@sayusayme7729]

Hi Teri, I’m grateful to have found your channel. Do believe journaling will help. Also, years of being an unhealed, unhealthy empath has been daunting . Committed to healing all wounds in order to communicate with compassion, trust & faith in my values. So grateful 🤍

[@terri_cole]

I am cheering you on! ❤️

[@HD-mg9ru]

Terri I want to let you know how Thankful and Grateful I am for you. You are the Boundary Boss Queen. If I would have learned about this subject as Good as you Teach years ago, it would have Saved me a lot of Heartache and Unnecessary pain in my life. I'm 65 Yrs and what you just taught and continue to teach is worth its weigh in Gold. If I were to have set boundaries sooner in all these wrong relationships I would have brought the right Relationships in long ago. But I believe it's never too late. I can't thank you enough for all your knowledge and wisdom.. I'm sending you a BIG HUG Girlfriend. Thank you. God Bless you and all that you do. 🙏❤🥂⚘

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this comment. I appreciate you ❤️❤️ And it's never too late!

[@jannamartens9806]

I used to be a people pleaser not anymore haven’t for a while.

[@terri_cole]

Way to go!

[@newyorkie7277]

Same. It is so freeing and wonderful.

[@susanphend2189]

Thank you do much, Terri. This is so valuable. Wish I had this knowledge and the confidence to use it when I was much younger. ❤️

[@lemontere]

¡Gracias!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@GawaTozi]

Thank you so much for this episode! I am a strong person but I struggle to put boundaries, especially in my relationships. Two times I had to stop a relationship because in the middle of the relationships I was afraid to put boundaries (afraid of loosing him /loosing some of the rare time with him) and in the result both men treated me respectless that everything got a desaster and I had to go to save my health (permanent stress, high blood pressure, starting depression). Now I understand where the problem was. Nevertheless I don't know if I have the strength to enforce the consequences of my boundaries this time. Maybe this is the key to being with the wrong partner, but you don't want to lose your partner.

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕 I am a big fan of setting boundaries early and often in relationships for this reason. It helps you set the tone straight away, it helps both of you be on the same page, AND you can tell a lot from how the person reacts to you setting a boundary. If they react unreasonably (being angry or upset), then you probably want to move on. We teach people how to treat us. Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we'll ever have. If we don't treat ourselves with respect, who will? When we don't set boundaries, we are disrespecting ourselves. Of course, we can compromise, but what you think, how you feel, and what you want has to matter to you more than what anyone else wants, thinks, or feels. I get it, though. In my younger life I completely self-abandoned in service of not being abandoned by my boyfriends. It didn't work, though. I just felt exhausted from all the people-pleasing (not being myself) and resentful. Those relationships weren't healthy, nor were they built on a solid foundation.

[@twylajollymore3665]

1957 yr old . Looking forward to your session 1964! Just soooo excited Been going thru SEVERAL amazing wonderful therapeutic videos but Terri , you have brought so much enlightenment FINALLY, I have a drop of hope to maybe heal a sever broken relationship Mother/Daughter . Adult daughter BPD / Me, people pleaser 😳like so many … I have hope now On my way t get your book ( you really have enlightened me to FACE ME ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Your book is in Summerland and the workbook is at Kelowna ! off I go❤❤❤❤

[@terri_cole]

I hope my book and workbook are helpful ❤️❤️❤️

[@sanctus66]

Im happy that I found Terii. Thanks for your work. Grettings form Argentina

[@terri_cole]

I'm happy you found your way here, too! ❤️

[@jenp342]

I can set better stronger boundaries, unfortunately, narcissistic, stalking mothers, family, and flying monkeys, they won’t change. So I’m stuck feeling that I will never be free of them. To many patterns of people watching me all the time. Treated like I’m some kind of crazy criminal, what kind of a life is that? Feeling like as soon as I walk out any door, whether I’m at home or work they get people to watch me. I have confronted this behaviour before. Sad to say it has not changed. (They think, it’s an “open door policy”, IT IS NOT!)

[@tammys701]

Brilliant!!! 🙏🤩

[@GraceGutarra]

Could you do a video on control vs boundaries! Please ❤your videos are so good !!

[@terri_cole]

I did! It's right here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bqSlfKRumLembZo Enjoy!

[@blognroses3161]

Such a lovely, interesting and helpful video Terri! Thank you for that. I have seen that you always provide us with high quality psychology and I really appreciate that. This is when KZbin becomes Edutube to me. I always learn something from your lovely speeches. My parents are much like the ones you taked about in this vid. I'll try to get your book, cause I need answers and solutions.

[@JudgeJulieLit]

"Edutube" ... great neologism !

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@OneWhoKnowz]

I feel guilt and resentment more now than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I take care of my mother who has dementia but also is a covert narcissist. I get paid to take care of her but I am very unhappy, my adult daughter has always been willful and willfully disrespected me and my sister is also an overt narcissist. I have CPTSD bad and I’m trying to find a way to restart my life but from a place of power for myself and creating healthy boundaries I’m seeing how people outside my familial system have treated me like shit and within my own family and I realize that it’s not just about other people it’s also being able to have them for myself within my life. I feel overwhelmed

[@terri_cole]

I see you and I am holding space for your overwhelm ❤️

[@eileenworth7862]

Well spoken.

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@lolabloo]

I came here looking for how to handle the difficult people around me and realized that I exhibit some of the same behaviors. It makes it easy to think it's not us when those around are exhibiting the behaviors in such a huge way and we think "well I'm not like that!" And also recognizing I'm manifesting the broken relationship between my mother and sister.

[@terri_cole]

I see you and am witnessing you with compassion 💕

[@horseisjustcats.tapedtogether]

Thank you, Terri 🩷💜💕❤️

[@openbuddhistforuminternational]

Healthy boundaries = video surveillance camera on your entrance and clearly written office hours .

[@GurlinDaBackk]

Remember God loves you♥️😊! Good news is that Jesus paid the punishment for your sins, He died, and rose from the dead on the 3rd day. you are ONLY forgiven and saved by putting faith in Jesus Christ for salvation. Please repent, change your life around and live for Him🙏. He is coming back soon🥳🎊.........

[@experiencelifelittleone]

I told my long time friends like more than a decade my boundaries and unhappiness with what she said and how it affected me. And then she said she want to leave my life for both of our good -.-. Who made her decide what is good for me

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️

[@WhistleblowingGoodWitch]

Thank you, Terri. we appreciate you so much, too! God Bless ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Im working on boundaries based on feedback

[@yasminpagan8046]

I appreciate you so much! You have been teaching me tremendously, had to navigate through life experiences. I love how sweet you are, your voice, your poise, Your positivity, your faith in us, and your wisdom!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

I need to work on boundaries on a continuous basis, the information on this channel is helpful.

[@lauracardenas5876]

Hi Terry, I have watched like 6 episodes in a row very interesting and related to me. Thank you so much for your work and videos. Also, I did the guideline on mother wound, very helpful. I’ll be getting your book soon.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much Laura ❤️ So glad to know my videos are helping you! I hope you enjoy Boundary Boss when you get it ❤️

[@HeavenlyLights]

ThankYou.

[@michelleharkness7549]

Thank you, Terri : again; thank you

[@michelleharkness7549]

😊😊😊

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@jodiewright131]

Thank you Terri ❤🙏

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome Jodie ❤️

[@Lexi_Con]

This explains it so well, thank you!❤

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome ❤️

[@austinhawkins8201]

I love this, thanks for this video!

[@terri_cole]

So glad you enjoyed it ❤️

[@sadiaarman363]

I feel overwhelmed by your words. Everything you say is so relevant and useful. Right now I am feeling sick bcz Iet someone violate my boundary. I was sick two days Before bcz i didnt tell my hosts what I eat. Got sick

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion and hoping you feel better soon 💕

[@cindyhavko5333]

These are different times. When I was growing up family, friends would just stop by. It was accepted. No cell phones etc. I think what is missing in this conversation is that our society has change very rapidly and older adults take time to transition to the changes expected by the younger Generations Millenials,.Gen Z or X etc.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you for great advice and support.

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@jacquelinegrace3]

Excellent video thank you so much! I have so many thoughts but I’ll start with my first one … at 5: 42 you started talking about first time boundary offenders and repeat offenders… How do you suggest I handle sisters and mother who are repeat offenders but they didn’t always know because I merely hinted to them… But my frustration/resentment level is so high it’s hard to share the boundary as if it’s the first time.

[@terri_cole]

I did a whole video on how to *say* a boundary here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jITcYqywq6Z5Ztk This might help you share it more calmly ❤️

[@Carroty_Peg]

Love your work, Terri. Love to hear your thoughts one of these days on Adult Children / Family Estrangement. It's becoming less taboo, though still very complex and pressured to 'bury the hatchet'

[@lavvaniasathasivam4742]

I set a boundaries with my boss,i got shouted at for being rude. I have been feeling guilty, i have been overthinking and can’t sleep. I’m crying because i feel guilty

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way ❤️

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Im sorry you are going through that, have you asked him why he is shouting at you was a boundary crossed in any way, was your mgr having a bad day or is it an ongoing repeat offense by your manager, anyway wishing you peace. Feel better soon, wish you well.

[@EowynBeloved]

Terri, would you handle a situation the same way for children and adults who have been diagnosed with ADHD and don't manage their time well or chronically late to appointments? I'm just wondering how you might set boundary consequences for people with learning disorders or mental illnesses? Is there more gentleness or understanding we should give to them? Thanks so much! :)

[@terri_cole]

Yes, I think that each situation has to be approached based on the person’s capacity and any diagnosis they may have, and a child’s age needs to be taken into account. ❤️

[@EowynBeloved]

@@terri_cole Thank you Terri for your comment back. I appreciate your help! Blessings, Eowyn

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Thank you for sharing

[@AncientlightInsights]

This was a fantastic episode! Just found you after watching your interview with Lisa and Im subscribed now. I wonder if you do couple therapy.

[@terri_cole]

Glad you enjoyed! ❤️ I no longer do couple's therapy (or 1:1 work), but if you reach out to my team at support @ terricole.com (without the spaces) they can give you the name of a therapist I recommend, although I'm not 100% sure they do couples. You can also look at BetterHelp or Psychology Today listings!

[@vladynick]

I'm new to your podcast. I discovered your wisdom via a Dr. Ramani youtube.

[@terri_cole]

Welcome, glad to have you here!

[@zion367]

Hi Terri! I am so happy that I watch your video today and see the example of people not calling back. I come across this quite often and I feel really uncomfortable about it, but somehow I feel like I am being difficult for pointing it out. Hearing you say that this indeed is a boundarie violation is very validating. I am going to put this into praktice from now on. But what do we do when people respond with all kind of excuses? And what is the consequence we can imply here? Cut the connection? That is not possible if for example we work with this person... Thanks in advance. Much love❤

[@terri_cole]

Hey there- I am glad this was validating for you! If it is a workplace situation, and it is impacting your ability to do your work, then I would maybe think about the consequence as getting a manager or HR involved. You can start gently, "I noticed that when I call you for something, you do not answer or call back. Is there a better way to get in touch, because this is really impacting my ability to do my work." See what they say. If they give you an excuse, say, "I'm sorry to hear that, but I still need this piece of information to move forward with my work and I would like to know a solution that works for both of us here." Finally, if nothing changes, "Hey, I've brought this to your attention a few times now, and if you cannot get me the information I need after X hours, I will go to [manager/HR] and let them know because this needs to change." Just keep bringing it back to the fact you want to get your work done and don't make it personal. I hope that helps!

[@zion367]

@@terri_cole well Terri, I send the message: "Can you please keep your promise next time or give me a heads up when it is not possible? It makes the collaboration more pleasant." Got stonewalled. He responds to all other things, but not this one. So now I repeated my question... Im scared AF. I feel pushy, bossy, fussy... but I know I have to face these fears and do it anyway. Its insane how I am the one feeling crappy when its my college that does not keep his word and stonewalls me. Ow well... feel the discomfort and doing it anyway. I am proud. Update: he just responded with a yes, so thats good. I am proud of myself for doing it. Thanks for this video Terri. It helped me tackle this problem. Very valuable ❤️

[@munirafuhrmann6249]

Thank you so much Dr. Cole for all your hard work. I love your videos I just discovered you at Dr. Shefali parenting map event. You have such valuable and priceless information to share. I have a question? How do you handle situation where your partner is interrupting during conversations with friends. I usually wait to acknowledge later but then he denies that he did it.I personally don’t mind being calling it out right there and on the spot. I am little hesitant bc of makings everyone else uncomfortable. But then I feel like I am silencing myself if I don’t say anything It doesn’t feel right. Boss boundary is on my list to read I hope it will help me with boundaries with my kids and everyone else. Shefali books have been super helpful with parenting I love them. I do feel like I am still missing boundaries part. I think it would compliment it well. Thank you so much! All my best !

[@terri_cole]

Hi Munira, so glad you are here! ❤️ I like to say boundaries are like learning a new language - it feels uncomfortable at first (especially if you are used to people pleasing), but the more you do it, the easier it gets. I have a short on calling out interrupting here: kzbin.infoypcd-Yeds3A I hope it helps!

[@Kimisingh]

Hi Terri, This was insightful! I was not able to open the Guide, the page says it's blocked.

[@terri_cole]

Hi there, I'm not sure why, it's working for me at this URL: www.terricole.com/boundary-violations-guide/ Could you try again? It may be a browser issue. If you still have problems, you can contact support @ terricole.com (without the spaces) and someone on my team will help you! ❤️

[@CeeGusts_49Waves]

@Terri Cole You asked that first time visitors to your site introduce themselves. Well, I am a “first time visitor” by conscious choice to your web site. I first saw you when you were a guest on another person’s podcast, and was impressed that you seem to be mature in your self esteem and in how you communicate verbally with other persons. What I dislike about ANY talk show is where the host/hostess takes the liberties of using FOUR-letter CUSS words, as if those words are sprinklings of Salt and Pepper on the food. So it comes as a surprise to me to hear you use the expression “…give a s - - t” … as though it should be OK with all people throughout. The Contents of your conversation are very potent. But the injection of dirty words is, as you say, “a boundary breaker”.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for voicing your preference. I realize not everyone is okay with cursing. That's my style. I respect that my content isn't for you.

[@birdie6916]

Wonderful video, Terri. Working on this with my older sister. I have tried so hard to set the limit with her, with consequences. I have told her how I feel when she yells, screams, insists, pushes, intrudes, and blames... and that I will limit my contact with her if this continues. Sometimes she backs off for a bit, but then it starts up again after a couple of weeks/months. Not sure what to do as I cannot go no contact, because I have a niece with whom I want to continue having a good relationship. My sister is borderline and bipolar, and I am an HSP/people pleaser. Do you have any advice/videos for how to co-exist peacefully? Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

So glad you enjoyed it, Birdie. ❤️ My advice is to keep your boundaries BIG and limit your contact with her.

[@birdie6916]

@@terri_cole Thanks so much, Terri.💖

[@brg2743]

We cannot get three neighbors off our property mowing. Survey sticks do nothing, calling the police does nothing, taking a camera and videoing them does nothing, tellung city officials does nothing, asking for a trespassing order does nothing, and having no trespassing sign does nothing. Due to an easement and alley, we cannot fence. Any euggestuons? 13 years of this and nerves are completely worn out dealing with it

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this. ❤️ It sounds like you’ve tried to establish boundaries and tried to improve the relationship, but it hasn’t worked. Your best option at this point may be to remove yourself from the situation as often as possible, even if that means not being able to enjoy your property. Having boundaries means that you’re committing to doing something different, not that you expect them to do something different. So consider what else you can do that can bring you more peace in this situation and won’t require them to do anything different (since unfortunately, it seems like they won’t change).

[@VishalJhaveri-lh5fs]

It's very difficult to protect the boundaries

[@terri_cole]

Do you feel comfortable saying more in a comment here? What are you finding particularly difficult about protecting your boundaries?

[@szatanica1]

It might be a weird question but bare with me. I understand the definition of boundary. It's a manifestation of what is ok and not ok with me. BUT why should anyone care about what is ok and what is not ok with me? (see? told you...weird:)

[@terri_cole]

Why shouldn't they, tho? I don’t mean the entire world- just the folks you want to have healthy relationships with. If you love someone- don’t you think how they feel and what they want should matter to you? The opposite is also true (according to me ;) ❤️

[@szatanica1]

@@terri_cole Sure, but the boundaries are not limited to interactions between us and people who care about us. :)

[@elenapowell4608]

Hi Terri! I’m really struggling, I don’t know how to communicate and have my boundaries respected by somebody with BPD, could you talk about this please?

[@terri_cole]

Hi Elena - Many sufferers of BPD see your boundaries as a form of rejection so it can be challenging. I will do a video on this topic! Thanks for asking this ❤️

[@elenapowell4608]

@@terri_cole amazing, thank you so much! You are such an inspiration to me! I bought your book and listen to podcasts, but the videos I find particularly helpful. Your body language makes all the difference in in how the message is perceived. Thank you for doing these videos, they are really helpful ❤

[@elenapowell4608]

@@terri_cole that’s exactly my struggle 😞 I’m at the end of my tether, after 14 years with a BPD husband😞

[@mfrance3834]

Been there with BPD ex-spouse and a couple of other borderline friends. . In my experience borderlines don’t have boundaries of their own and consequently don’t understand them. You can’t discuss something like this with them…they can’t hear you. It’s like talking to someone on the first floor while you’re on the third floor. Futile.

[@MsVandana777]

I had the hardest time with a sibling and how she used a maternal relative it was such hell.but also there was a relative who never honoured those boundaries ..why was there no money ?.

[@MsVandana777]

The other part is a maternal.rekstivr who does not want me to have anything

[@MsVandana777]

Also her ngo is frightening with frightening people

[@joanneh6879]

Hi I’m new here. Trying to find a way to address these boundary issues between my 39 yr old daughter and myself.

[@terri_cole]

Hi Joanne, thank you for being here. ❤️ I hope you find what you need! I have many videos on boundaries here.

[@Roswell33]

I just don't want people in my life who cross boundaries. It's so hard though, a friend just met up with me for coffee when her flatmate is a close covid contact and they are sharing a kitchen. She didn't give me the option to reschedule which I would have if I'd known. She's a lovely person but now I have covid and I am fairly high risk. I will likely have ongoing issues. I'm pissed. What to do when someone just isn't considerate?? It's not the first time, but it's too late in these situations. She also gave my dog medication at the wrong time when she was dog sitting, she was too lax. I think having her again is a bad idea, but SO MANY people are lax gaaah

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear that and am sending healing vibes your way ❤️ Breaches of trust like this can be difficult to navigate. It sounds like she may not be the right person to dog sit, but as far as seeing her again, can you try having an honest conversation with her? To say something like, "Hey, I love hanging out with you, but I need to reiterate that I am fairly high risk and cannot withstand another covid infection. I need you to be honest and careful with our interactions. If someone you've been in close contact with has tested positive for covid, can you please let me know so we can cancel? I'd like to be able to make informed decisions around meeting up and that would help." You say "it's not the first time," so if you've already had this type of conversation with her, and she doesn't seem to care or understand, then it may be best to stick to phone conversations or texting to lessen your risk. If you haven't had a frank discussion with her about it, then telling her this may give you the info you need with how to proceed. ❤️

[@4peaceandharmony]

'Afraid' to rock the boat when you are living in a situation of shared expenses and you can't afford to live on your own, yet (rentflation!)

[@ssphotopinup]

Cna you speak to what to do/say when you do start setting boundaries and speaking up. When your partner starts accusing you of a "major personality change" and how he doesnt understand if things were so wrong why i didnt speak up in the first place? I am a recovering people pleaser and he is not understanding that change is good it doesnt mean i now have a personality disorder and should be committed. (exaggeration, but its how i feel when he says that)

[@terri_cole]

Can you have an honest conversation with him and share what you've been learning? You can tell him you discovered you were a people-pleaser and you're trying to live more authentically and in alignment with your true values, and that you would appreciate his patience and understanding while you navigate this and figure out what you DO want. ❤️ The other thing I see often with new boundary-bosses-in-training is they want to grab a megaphone and shout their new boundaries from the rooftop, but this often doesn't work for the reasons you described. It *can* be jarring for the people in our life. Think of it this way- you and your husband have been doing the same dance for (likely) years. Now you're suddenly changing the dance. While yes, change can often be good, many people are scared by it. It's going to take a bit for him to figure the new steps out, and it's also okay to ask for support. ❤️ I also did a video about the emotional roller coaster of setting boundaries here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l16kZJR9r6yVaLM

[@ssphotopinup]

@@terri_cole thank you so much for replying. I am trying all of this and he is dug in about my changing being bad "for him" and how dare I.

[@albatross0175]

This is excellent and I did the whole program on Insight Timer so I will go back and revisit it. I will say, however what do you do if you Xpress all of that and if you constantly Xpress it to a person who appears to be deaf, who really truly does not understand what you’re Expressing, I mean, where do you go from there?

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad you enjoyed the Insight Timer challenge! ❤️ To answer your Q, you may need to attach consequences or re-think your relationship. They are telling you something in their inability to hear you- either they feel threatened, or are unable or unwilling to change.

[@albatross0175]

@@terri_cole thank you. Sorry about the typos; I was dictating into my microphone.... :(

[@MsVandana777]

I nerd so desperately this financial freedom

[@Danielle-t7t]

My mom she goes over my boundaries and then plays the victim i had to distance myself from her because she said the other day all you do is stress me out just because my truck is broke down right now she always really negative she towards me and my kids and she thinks she's perfect she acts like I'm a horrible person it feels like she competes with me like who is the better parent and she acts like my childhood was perfect in my childhood was horrible very dysfunctional and both my parents were abusive verbally and physically I know now it wasn't my fault I have worked on myself I have forgiven both of my parents for everything they did to me as a child yet my mom still treat me like really bad and I can't have people in my life like that ❤

[@terri_cole]

Good for you for doing what you needed to preserve your peace ❤️

[@sinisamarovic]

My ex used to breach my boundaries repeatedly. I would tell her every time and she would promise she wouldn't do it again, but soon later she would do it again. For example typing on her phone while alone with me. I did it to her once, just to show her and she got angry in two minutes. I showed her I wasn't typing and just wanted to show her that she wouldn't tolerate it either. After some word salad she promised not to do it again. Of course she did. I broke up with her immediately. She hook up with a random dude an hour later. Just showed me I made the right decision.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry you experienced that behavior with your ex. I feel you on that boundary- phones need to be away when talking!

[@anneliesvanpoucke8731]

Hi, I am not evan able to express my boundaries. The sadness, frustration and self loathing is ... I can't even think of a word that can desrcibe that ..at the same time, angry at myself for even writing this...not good & i know

[@anneliesvanpoucke8731]

but I have, i already did express some boundaries, but indeed they keep ingoring them

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a video that covers the emotional rollercoaster of setting boundaries that may be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l16kZJR9r6yVaLM You are so not alone in feeling these things.

[@anneliesvanpoucke8731]

@@terri_cole thank you

[@thatlittlehomestead]

What do you do when your in mid conversation with a family member where they have invalidated you in the conversation then the phone disconnects on their end so you call them back leave a message on their voicemail to say hey the phone got disconnected never to hear from them again? This happened to me and it caused a huge emotional flashback trigger/CPTSD. I have not addressed it I don’t know if I should I was shocked and it’s several days out now, I’m still processing it. This person also said they loved me but to the degree of pain I felt from this I know that this is not love to disregard and invalidate someone you love like that. This person was from my family of origin and I have noticed that most everyone from this family is like this which explains to me the root cause of my trauma. It was so very hurtful😪

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear that happened and am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I don't think there are any statute of limitations when it comes to bringing up past boundary violations. If you're still feeling shocked, I might suggest writing them a letter to process your feelings- but not to send to them, just to get it all out. You may have a better idea of what you want to say to them after getting it out onto paper, too. You can begin with something like, "Hey, I've been thinking a lot about the phone conversation we had where the line disconnected. I wanted to bring this to your attention because our relationship matters to me, and I have to say, I felt really hurt..." (modify as needed). Take good care of yourself ❤️

[@thatlittlehomestead]

@@terri_cole thank you for your words of wisdom. She actually sent me a message on FB a few days after saying nothing about the abruptly ended phone call. The behavior reminded me so much of my mom since they are sisters I guess they share this similarity. It was as if the abruptly ended call never happened. I was a bit taken back. I did respond with a short response to what she had sent. I have realized the reason I didn’t speak to her for so many years. This huge trigger had brought it all up to feel again. It was very upsetting what happened in that phone call but I realized the power to keep me safe is within my own core values and boundaries. So this is what I will be working on💙 You are very kind and I so much appreciate the videos you share on KZbin. I am learning so much from you. Blessings to you dear one💙

[@terri_cole]

"I realized the power to keep me safe is within my own core values and boundaries" YES- that is such a powerful realization ❤️ Way to go!! And I am so happy to hear my videos have been helpful for you.

[@natashalapin6423]

Consequences need to be realistic that is very difficult, my daughter is a repeat offender, always promises but never follows through. For example she keeps asking me for money to come home but then doesn't come home, this is repeated over and over, daily, fear is something that I know I need to get over, however, the only consequence would be if she continued to contact for money I then can say I will not answer her calls? is there anything else that one can put in place. she is an adult 27years old. The same for my son he's turning 31 still asking me for money. your advise would be appreicated.

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear you're dealing with this, Natasha ❤️ This can be difficult when your kids are involved. What I would ask you is, what if you do not lend them the money? That's the boundary: "I've lent you money in the past and you do not use it to come home, so I am not lending you this money anymore." It also has an innate consequence. My sense is that they may keep asking you for money because they keep receiving it. As they are grown adults, this is on them to figure out (although I know it can be tough and painful to watch). ❤️ If they do not respect this boundary and continue calling you, you can also take the step of letting them know you'll no longer answer their calls/texts if they're only asking about money. You can let them know you'll be there for them outside of that, if that feels okay to you.

[@JenniferWilliams-bb7hi]

How do I enforce the consequence for someone who keeps wanting to give unsolicited advice like how to discipline my son?

[@terri_cole]

"I am not seeking input on my parenting. The next time you make a suggestion as to how I should parent my son, I will end the conversation." And then be prepared to end it. (Alternatively, you could say, "I will change the subject, and if you insist on continuing, then I will end the conversation.")

[@rebeccajones8628]

What if the boundary breaker is the mil and your bf does not put her in her place and even takes her side always. It is crazy making.

[@terri_cole]

It is, Rebecca 💕 That's a hard situation because it really, really helps to have your partner on your side here. Is there any way for you to reduce your own contact with her? Maybe sit some family gatherings out?

[@DJH97]

Ha. My narcs didn’t even say they wouldn’t do it again nor did they ever apologize.

[@nadiajr1500]

That woman needs to find someone else to water her plants, if she doesn't want her parents to continue breaking her boundary. Many narcissists believe when we owe them, it's a ticket/payment for them to do whatever they like at our homes.

[@amberlindoyle]

I’m new 🎉❤

[@terri_cole]

Welcome Amber, thanks for being here ❤️

[@amberlindoyle]

@@terri_cole Thank you for posting such captivating and motivating videos that I am learning so much from! And I love your voice 😊

[@Avcgdudhhj]

How about someine who says that just who I am... I will always do that... grrrr....

[@terri_cole]

If that is true and they do not have the capacity to change, you have to ask yourself whether you want this person in your life. Or you can figure out a compromise you're okay with. As I mentioned toward the end, I had a friend who was always late, and I asked her to come to my apartment so I didn't have to deal with waiting around. It was the best compromise given I still wanted her in my life. ❤️

[@Avcgdudhhj]

@@terri_cole thank you. I agree its not worth having someone in your life who doesnt even care enough to respect your wishes. That is not true friendship. I ended it. Thank you agsin.

[@Sunnivah13]

Please everybody reading this, REMEMBER: IF YOU DO NOT SET A BOUNDARY ON THE OUTSIDE, YOUR BODY WILL SET ON ON THE INSIDE and brace you against the impact. Do you want to experience the life long struggle that a chronic freeze response and dissociation does to your body and mind? Don't make yourself sick just by being to shy to say what you want!! It is your responsability to care for yourself.

[@raquelknabben393]

That doesn’t work with a Narc!! I have tried and tried! How can we put boundaries and consequence in some one that does not respect anything and does not believe in that?

[@terri_cole]

The guidance in this video isn't necessarily about narcissists. In that situation, I recommend focusing on what is in your control, to the best of your ability, which is to lessen contact. Maybe it's seeing the person less often, shortening your conversations, or just limiting what you talk about with them. Of course, this depends on the person- if you're living with them, it is harder, but if that's the case, stick to talking about facts rather than emotions.

[@a7744ry]

She could have asked her parents to give her the keys back🗝️👊 powwww!

[@tormagnesvendsen3552]

I have been married for almost 30 yrs with a very unstable and almost i think a psykopat Boundaries are not possible. It creates a lot of hurt to the whole family. We have 5 kids. Now i am leaving here.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ There are some people out there who are boundary destroyers, who will bulldoze over boundaries no matter what you do. I hope you're able to stay safe ❤️

[@sagist9936]

I don't know the consequences for not helping with the housework. No help and I do it all myself or no help and live in filth. Or just leave.

[@terri_cole]

I have a video on strategic incompetence here that may help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iX-4hGOGq9eWjrs My questions would be, have you had a conversation about it yet? Have you stated what you'd like from your partner and how their lack of help is impacting the relationship and how you feel? The reason I say that is because a lot of times, we have unspoken agreements or assumptions where we think our partners should pitch in to help unprompted. We know how much work we are doing and we feel resentful that they don't offer. The thing is, if we do not ask, they may think we've got it covered because by constantly doing (without saying anything), we often teach them we don't need help. I hear you, though- it is difficult because if you have higher standards (or any!) for cleanliness than your partner, it feels like it all falls on you. Or maybe you have tried discussing this with them and they are not receptive. Or worse, they say they'll do something and never do it (and get angry when you ask about it). Without knowing more, I can't give you specific advice, but I hope some of that helps. ❤️

[@kregg-hy4gi]

Terry you are not aging much. Still attractive. Some people like you don't age much. JMHO

[@RoyCascalheira-ow8mg]

Hi Roy Cascalheira South Africa

[@terri_cole]

Welcome Roy!

[@stygiantwst]

my cubicle neighbor... I cant escape. Job hunting daily

[@terri_cole]

Sending you strength ❤️

[@AfroPHBabe]

9.32. I'm Dorcas

[@lilyswan9008]

My ex husband is narcissistic the ex partner narcissistic malignant psychopath my ex bf recently vulnerable narcissistic mother sister brother is narcissistic 2 sibling narcissistic friends narcissistic in the job narcissistic manager etc

[@dlwsport250]

We may very possibly be the common denominator as we don’t set our standards and consequences EARLY ON

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

The same fights over and over feeling unheard and unseen

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

People pleaser issue, working on boundaries now

[@LynnSandler-j9k]

Severed long term narc relationship with ex boyfriend of 30 yrs he simply crosses boundaries again and again, it was absolutely exhausting, he is struggling with the inability to grow up and seek any counseling. I cant fix it, didnt cause it, gotta walk away, he is nicey nice type thats why I liked him so much, we got along as long as I met his needs all of the time. Quite exhausting.

[@dlwsport250]

@@LynnSandler-j9k Peter Pan?