Breakups: They were ‘all in,’ then suddenly bailed

What makes a person suddenly bail after they were ‘all in’? Here’s what happens when their future plans collide with today’s reality
Shyla writes, “I was in a relationship with this guy for a year and a half, we were just getting ready to move in together. 3 weeks before our big move, he came over and said he didn't see a future with me. That same day he was telling me how much he loved me and how he can't wait to open this new chapter of your life. I have a kid and he has 4 kids. I don't understand why this happened. Any advice you can give?”
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[@amuroray1085]

Serious relationships can leave you in Serious pain.

[@SusanWinter]

Good one Arturo

[@user-uv2sp4dp8f]

It’s incredibly cruel, he just blindsided me this past weekend. I feel used 😢

[@Hilary945]

He will get karma, and when he does keep him BLOCKED

[@rebeccastephens3233]

I’m so sorry to hear that it’s an awful feeling. How are you coping now?

[@JeremyPezzeca]

It's crazy how rare it is to find real authentic people who are capable of reciprocating real love, who know what they want. It's become such a lustful culture driven by attention seeking and over inflated self entitled egos

[@SusanWinter]

Fantastic commentary thank you so much

[@JeremyPezzeca]

@@SusanWinter it's not really fantastic at all in my eyes but your welcome. Thank you for your response.

[@shelleysanders9666]

Absolutely

[@philipc4353]

Completely and totally agree

[@lvace7574]

Exactly. Very well said. TY

[@jualebone]

Sometimes I wish I could meet the people in the comments. Everyone is positive and vulnerable. Deep down all of us want to be loved by someone. We all want to be "chosen" yet here we are, in search and surrender. Still doing the inner work and hoping for the best. I wish us all a respectful, intentional, consistent, safe, vulnerable, kind, peaceful, reciprocal and sweet love.

[@megyerizsuzsadora]

@jualebone i can relate. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Wishing you the best✨

[@cultivatevitality6923]

"He might just run away bc its all too scary" LOVE THIS

[@SusanWinter]

The reality of being where you say you “want to be,” takes courage

[@garethwilliams7741]

5 months dating a guy, I was the best partner i could have been. We had a wonderful few months together, he would send me affectionate messages and say he would miss me when we awere apart, we would do all the normal coupley things together. The moment I wanted us to define the relationship, he bailed, complete 180 saying he didnt have any deep feelings for me and not sure he ever would, but all his actions showed otherwise? Honestly a super traumatizing experience, bearing in mind not 30 seconds before, he kissed my cheek and pulled me in to spoon him. Not three weeks later he's back on dating and hookup sites, obviously looking for that "missing" thing, he doesn't get it, the thing missing is within himself. Yet, here I am picking up the pieces of a shattered heart. These fearful-avoidants have to be watched out for.

[@philipc4353]

I think this part of the reason why relationships and marriages don't last long nowadays. People getting into a serious committed relationship for all the wrong reasons. And then at the end of it all, someone gets blindsided and heartbroken.

[@adventuresofkatekat]

That’s crazy, it was also a year and a half for me when I got ghosted. And there were no problems or arguments either. Unbelievable.

[@rose-nb6kw]

Had this happen to me recently. Everything was okay and good, making plans for the future, then one moment "I'm tired of the relationship". It's so insane how a person could suddenly change. I'm still reeling from all of it even if it's been a month since the breakup. Your videos have been a huge help though. I know I definitely deserve someone better than him.. I just hope my heart gets the memo soon.

[@karinanovikova5479]

I’m still healing, even it’s been 6 months:)

[@Iamjodie78]

Same here

[@YouTubeUzername]

This is SO messed up! She will meet someone better for her!

[@SusanWinter]

I agree. And the person isn’t always a complete cad. Sometimes they really feel those feelings, but the fear of living it overwhelms them and they run away. Regardless, this person was not ready for her and indeed she was lucky to have gotten away

[@alexflips393]

They were never all in if they bailed.

[@beecat9951]

Maybe not but they might have acted as if they were, and so the mental and emotional impacts on the partner are the same as if they were all in.

[@SusanWinter]

Very good

[@SusanWinter]

ALEX FLIPS!! Great to See you here

[@josephsarto689]

What if they want to be Al in but subconsciously they can’t?

[@alexflips393]

Nonsense. If a woman wants you she will go for you.

[@beecat9951]

Same thing happened to me. I'm still angry but I also realise that without true consistency, there is no chance of a real, adult human relationship and so I had to let him go. Turned out he hadn't fully recovered from his divorce and he ran away. I had to put my own needs first and understand these were his own issues to resolve. I'm looking for something more stable now.

[@kristamariau]

I have exactly the same experience. He broke up with me year ago, after he involved me in his daughter's life. I don't think he was over his divorce. Last march he introduced new girlfriend to his friends. It was difficult for me and ot affected on my sense of self-worth, but I realize soon that I'm amazing and his decisions don't affect on my worth. Living happy life now single and I don't have rush to anything new.

[@SusanWinter]

It sounds like you did a fabulous job in organizing your understanding of what really happened. There are times that people jump forward, such as this case. And they mean to be where they are, but reality snaps them back to the past

[@beecat9951]

​@@SusanWinter that describes it perfectly. A large part of understanding this has come from you, Susan, and I thank you immensely.

[@judyb8018]

Got engaged after a year of dating and when we moved in together he got cold and started arguments over petty things. I found out he was still married to his ex wife. Truth was he never filed for divorce yet. Checking his phone found pics of other women. I had always trusted him.

[@SusanWinter]

OMG! Really sorry for that, Judy. You dodged a bullet.

[@csstudio3648]

Could be he has an avoidant attachment style. There are many out there. So sorry for her! This is a terrible situation..I'm dealing with an avoidant atm and it is challenging.

[@SusanWinter]

Yes that is indeed a challenge CS

[@nanaosei3664]

The EXACT same thing happened to me. 5yrs in, talked engagement and had been house hunting. On my birthday after seeing our 2nd house he called and said it was a bad idea. I got a home on my own and then he tried to come back and move in saying he wasn’t in the right state of mind. 🗣Boy if you don’t SCRAM! 🙄😂

[@yishihara55527]

Someone told me that we were soulmates and said that they loved me like no one else and that our love surpassed all. They initiated the relationship. This was all manipulation...nothing was true at all. They just used me temporarily as an emotional tampon and then discarded me although I was there and caring. They demanded a friendship after they decided to break up and I would not accept that, so no contact for life. People NEED a long monitoring period because you really never know. You could end up trusting a monster.

[@thejordyjoansofficial]

My heart breaks hearing this story, sounds like somebody got full of fear and had intimacy issues. Shyla you deserve someone who will give you all the love you put out there in to the world, I hope you get the closure and resolve Susan mentions so you can get what you need to live your full potential.

[@SusanWinter]

It really breaks my heart as well but the universe is making sure that she gets the person she deserves!

[@HH-fo9sg]

There can be future-looking thoughts and fun fantasies, but without intention and an actual plan in the near future, it’s all imaginary

[@SusanWinter]

Very wise words!

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Oh, that happened to me twice. Both, avoidants. Both wanted us to live together, and we did for a while. Both switched from all positive bias to all negative bias in a matter of a couple of days, a full 180º turn, I guess defense mechanisms kicking in to prevent intimacy. These people function like robots, so predictable, almost binary.

[@goldenlifelove7251]

This just happened to me tonight. We didn't argue, I was the happiest I've ever been for almost a year. My bday is 7/28 & we were supposed to spend it together & now I'm just sitting here confused & heartbroken. I'm 49 years old & thought i as blessed to have finally found the right man. I'm beyond devastated & broken.

[@libritarian]

How are you holding up?

[@lisaa6099]

Ive had this happen…….. Booooooo hhhiiiissssss ! Its a shock and takes a while to get over. This was about 15 years ago, gave me trust issues. Basically after u get the answers - BLOCK THEM

[@SusanWinter]

Hey Lisa thanks for your commentary. Sorry for your experience. It’s not uncommon… That’s the unfortunate part

[@sammielisabeth4928]

Oooohhh I've been in this situation before. It suuuuucks 😭

[@How.Dare.You.]

Men who cant tune in with their own emotions do that

[@SusanWinter]

That’s a really great point

[@mlantieri]

Hi Susan, you look beautiful as always. Sadly, if this happens to you like it has me, it results in never trusting anyone ever again except yourself! But remember, this had very little (if anything at all) to do with you so keep your heart open for someone who truly wants to be with you.

[@bodymindsoul60]

5:20 ….all I needed to hear, excellent!🎯

[@JonnRamaer]

Guy woke up. Ppl wake up and come to reality about nonsense before delving into it's finality. Such action is salvation to the one leaving and distress over a lost toy to the one left. So sad they are no.longer around for unfurling of nefarious plans to subjugate that person's life.

[@bryanpablo6270]

That is crazy I am truly sorry to hear that has happened...

[@TimeIdle]

It's rough. But obviously, even after a year and a half, she still didn't fully know this guy. She probably too was living in a fantasy.

[@SusanWinter]

That’s a great point that you’ve made. Thank you for your share

[@yishihara55527]

Sometimes they are master manipulators and create a false persona. This is why it's imperative to have a long monitoring period and not trust so quickly.

[@zukolytical249]

Currently going through this situation with a 4 year relationship. This video helps so much bring my mind at least a little bit of clarity

[@WanderingMind-fw6it]

I just got dumped last night. I saw it coming even though everything he said was straight out of left field. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We met 30 years ago and were the best of friends and we reconnected at the beginning of the year. He just turned cold and distant on me over the course of three days and flipped out when I gave him space out of respect. No more relationships for me!

[@elijahrenee5688]

god i needed this.

[@goddessglow6996]

Going through this right now. Thank you I needed this 💕

[@SusanWinter]

Many hugs to you!

[@omgcarsonnn]

You always make everything so easy to understand and digest. I love your content! ❤︎︎❤︎︎❤︎︎

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you! You’re so kind to say so

[@AkaHeart1]

I feel that this man did love her but one or more of his children were not on the same page and therefore, he took sides with his children and ended his happiness. This is what happens when you listen to your head rather than your heart. I’m truly sorry he broke her heart as I would have been heartbroken.

[@getawaywithpam]

You are full of wisdom. I’m glad I found your channel 🙏

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks Pam

[@Casvaleon]

This answered my biggest question. Thank you 😊

[@dannydoherty3048]

It's like you've just read my soul....in my case I'm Shylar. My partner of 1½ year told me how much she loved me, how much Ive changed her life for the better, how happy I've made her. We've both had trauma in our life , but we've had such a positive impact on each other, it's like we were made to be together, because of how good we were for each other . We were engaged, we have the wedding booked, we have the honeymoon booked....then days ago she told me she doesn't want to have a future with me. I'm heartbroken and devastated. I love her so much. I know that when she has been telling me she loves me she's not lying. It's been messing with my head....the contradiction of still believing she's in love with to her running out and tearing my very being apart..... Laura you've drilled down to the two main things that I need to know. Is she running out of fear of the unknown, lack of confidence in me (or herself) .....or is it just simply that she doesn't love me the way she said she did and the way I believed she did. 💔

[@midevilmoon]

I'm sorry this happened to you man, I haven't been engaged yet but I know the pain of an abrupt ending to what seemed like a perfect relationship and I can only imagine how this must've felt. It really cuts deep and can be very psychologically traumatizing, especially when it happens to us guys as we don't have the same support system many women do and are often expected to just swallow the grief, move on and not show it. After two years of being broken up with the girl I was living with I thought I had finally met someone who may be 'it". Our personalities seemed to compliment each other and just work on a level I hadn't felt before even with my ex... we shared everything with each, were getting along great and begun to make plans for the future. One morning after just waking up to being told she would always be there for me no matter what a couple hours later I find myself blocked on everything my number, social media accounts all of it without a single explanation. I have absolutely no idea why, I did nothing wrong to her as far as I know even though it made me feel like I must have as I combed through my mind to think of any possible reason she did this. I still have no answer and I know this will haunt me for some time to come and possibly effect my ability to trust and open up again but I will try my best to move on bc at the end of the day that's really all we can do. I wish you healing on your journey through life, just know and believe that love will come again.

[@dinadina-px9rr]

how are u now?

[@debraspence3559]

You are right on!

[@SusanWinter]

Hugs to you

[@miraarim]

This resonates with my situation

[@SusanWinter]

I’m sending you a virtual hug!

[@ral819]

Susan, My take on this is, "I" have been guilty of this as well . We're all not perfect, but having been on both sides has made me more careful of me and my actions...

[@pamelav.5699]

🌈🦋🌻🌷ThankYou Susan Very helpful 🌸

[@SusanWinter]

Happy to hear that!

[@anniemargareth7617]

That, or he found somebody else.

[@brenda9633]

Loved your scared baby voice

[@powerplants6567]

You nailed it Susan 👍

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you!

[@ghadamamdouheskarous]

Wise Susan Winter

[@SusanWinter]

♥️♥️

[@divinity2478]

Yeey, my ex was this lol, we broke up last march

[@SusanWinter]

I’m sorry to read this divinity, but it’s reassuring to know that somebody doesn’t try to be someplace that cannot be

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

Leave some room for introspection; there was a reason and part of it may be your fault.

[@user-us1yu8gx9s]

My ex of one month was here visiting from another country for a job. It was my first offical relationship and he completely lovebombed me but it seemed sincere because it came up his parents like me and I was like they know about me? He was like yes I told my mom, and I asked to see the text to see if he sent a good photo and he wasn't lying, he did. Everything was his idea first. Getting an apartment in my city once he finished his degree. Doing long distance. He completely won me over. It was his idea to come over my house when I was busy with homewrok (my school starting soon) so we both agreed for the oppurinity for him to figure out the train system to get to my house and meet my parents. Right in the middle of settling on date just a random "I'm too busy with school for a relationship lets be friend again." And was cold as ice on the phone when I called crying, devasted. He never even mentioned school starting

[@GalacticWoman]

There could be many factors to this. He may have talked to his kids and they may have said something/ his ex may have had impact on it too. And sometimes just a sudden AHA moment hit him

[@SusanWinter]

True. Galactic woman, great to hear from you

[@GalacticWoman]

@@SusanWinter ♥🧡💚

[@LateNightCigars]

he might just turn out to be like Johnny Depp: when sh** hits the fan, he goes hiding in the bathroom 😂

[@SusanWinter]

Better than hiding under the bed!

[@LateNightCigars]

@@SusanWinter 👍

[@jeremywilliams154]

Love

[@SusanWinter]

😊😊

[@annabee148]

💯

[@SusanWinter]

🥰

[@arsenelupiniii8040]

Don't evah! threaten the bottle, or you will be so confused for the rest of your life. My girl loved me until I wanted her to lay off the booze. Then poof, found someone who would enable the drinking. !0 years together, not a peep in the last 7 years. I am over it, I chase Benjamin's now. Everything else falls into place after that.

[@andrew-isac]

@3:26 👌🏻

[@markharry8486]

Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser, i wasn't going to let my marriage of 18years crash.

[@justinclynes481]

well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer.

[@markharry8486]

please how can i get in touch with the spiritual adviser?

[@justinclynes481]

her name is miriam chamani dietrich, and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster.

[@markharry8486]

thank you for your recommendation, i will look into it now.

[@stephenn77]

Guys are just scared little boys!

[@landajimmy]

😂😂😂

[@shelleysanders9666]

Clearly his Primitive Brain (emotional centre, which can be fear-driven) took over from the logical part of his mind (where he wanted a proper relationship)

[@SusanWinter]

There needs to be a balance and unfortunately not everyone has had the experiences in life to be able to find where that is.

[@pamelav.5699]

🌷Hi Susan How do I write you ASAP!

[@SusanWinter]

ENTER your question on the contact page where it says video requests. Thanks a lot Pamela

[@jeremywilliams154]

Hi

[@alessaxn]

I wish you could offer affordable email consultations with max word limit 400

[@SusanWinter]

Keep an eye out for my KZbin membership options coming soon. There is a component in there that might fit your needs

[@alessaxn]

@@SusanWinter so looking forward to it. I will be the first to join!

[@SusanWinter]

@@alessaxn AND YOU DID!! AND I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION WITH A VIDEO

[@alessaxn]

@@SusanWinter Thank you! I am very glad I found your channel few years ago. Your wisdom is a life changer!

[@billhaboush9090]

I wonder if you got my message , I like you hugs. bill

[@stevieberisha561]

It’s funny you say all In this poor lady dated a avoidant I dated one she used to print me photos and put them in my car saying all in at the bottom I’m sorry but all of it is fake it sucks but it’s like dating a narcissist none of it is real