What an Avoidant Man Thinks (And Fears) When He's In Love

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[@deec411]

I only got attention from my avoidant ex-bf when I said goodbye. 🙄 Did that for over 11 years 😮 so glad to get strong enough to say goodbye for good. Met Ed in Feb and it's wonderful to be treated like gold ✨ for the first time at 60!!

[@clairexxx0405]

@deec411 So Happy for you 😍

[@Alignmented1]

Good for you! Gold attracts gold you know!? 😉💖

[@orianam9835]

Great story . You are strong. ❤ congratulations on meeting at amazing man at last !

[@dianedehart]

You give me hope!

[@notsorandomo]

Im so happy for you now. God bless you and your life 💌

[@colleenhunter7207]

Was with an avoidant for 18 months. We both felt love like never before. Until he sabotaged the relationship by coping with other women and telling me over text- “I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. But I’m not in a place where I can provide you with what you need and deserve. I’m just not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.” I introduced him to attachment styles.. he started therapy during our relationship, that lasted a month. Feeling vulnerable in any way scared him. It’s been two and a half months since that text he sent. I’ve heard nothing from him, probably won’t. Love these videos.. thank you for this.

[@MaritzaNunez-kr5fi]

Excellent video! Have beendating an "avoidant" for little over a year and he worked hard to get close to me until,yes, I am now very much in love with him. But even though I have a Masters in Psych plus I have worked on getting to know myself, sometimes I feel like he is "just too much work". I totally agree w u that he probably has more needs than I do, but I haven't told him how much in love I am bec I am too dam afraid that he will put his running shoes on😂,!!! Thanks You helped me see it all in a much clearer light!!!❤

[@CoolBreeze-mj8gp]

Wow... literally received the same text over n over when I show deeper emotions SMH

[@kathysoriano8107]

Same here

[@joannegild8001]

You can’t fix it. YOU can’t fix it. Don’t try. But I worked on myself. I changed my expectations.

[@colleenhunter7207]

@@FaithAdventure2 agree. The only way to work together is if he’s doing his own work. At 48, unfortunately I’m sure he’s set in his ways.

[@AngelicaNightingale]

@2:41 "... a true avoidant man can destabilize any woman, even one with a secure attachment style ..." No truer words have ever been spoken. Thank you - I'm glad I found your channel. Cheers!

[@mariaathena7910]

YES

[@GeorginaJett]

I'm just happier being single, I've had enough, honestly my peace is truly great.

[@Portia620]

Peace is happiness!!

[@gemmahart3985]

Yes. But deep down you know there is someone out there who loves you and you love him back. And you unconsciously suffer of feeling deprived of this love. The only way you can attract true love is understanding that you ARE already loved (not that you are peaceful and reasonably happy, but) you are loved because the mere fact that we are born means the Creator loved us too much and wanted that we come to this world. And He loves and will always love us. What more love we need? Anything more is cherry on top. Nothing too extraordinary. It may be, but not more than this immortal wonderful love. So First we need ti truly love our Inner Essence that connects with the Creator, then everything else will align beautifully 🌸

[@SilverGreenEyes18]

There are not that many avoidant men tbh. Learn to avoid them

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

​@@gemmahart3985u r right

[@Kyokka]

Sounds like you've become an avoidant

[@jy26_0]

Please make more videos about avoidance men. I just left my fiance because he refused to get professional help. Yes he tried to get with me for a while and when he got me, he took me for granted and became scared due to his avoidant attachment issues. I became the blame always. You were right on about how they can make a secure person feel unsecured. I couldn't show any emotions and he became really scared when he showed emotions.he eventually became very toxic due to the need for control so I left as Iove is not enough. My mental well being is a priority and nobody can help a person who refuses to help them self

[@joannegild8001]

He always treated me respectfully. I didn’t try to fix him. I’m so happy with him now, after 3 years.

[@paulakayemartens8571]

Mine has taught me to communicate in an entirely different way, not only with him but with others. Not my job to see his potential or fix him. He knows I'm here but also knows my life does not revolve around him. I'm consistent but firm and he responds well. A year and a half later, we still do very well together.

[@lisaraper8053]

It is absolutely heartbreaking to try loving an avoidant man. He says he’s in love with me. But I scare him. I feel like a yo-yo being jerked around and played with. I’ve cried more tears for this man. It is draining me.

[@Anonymous-ze2mu]

Exit darling

[@SusanSummer]

Fix it or leave

[@georginafronda496]

Walk away it does not get better

[@MarinaMrls]

I feel you. Happened to me for 12 years.

[@suneetachanan-khan7192]

These men are confusing as hell. Get out while you can. The trouble is they don’t only avoid closeness, they avoid dealing with their own emotions, past and shortcomings, thus leading to inauthenticity. They make unhealthy partners for those looking for emotionally mature, stable and healthy relationships.

[@ester_22]

Most of the times they are gays under the closet

[@Portia620]

Great points! Been there done that and no thanks!

[@EnlightenmentQueenElisheBA]

Run for your life hahahaha

[@haleyloving3575]

You are point on

[@Tani0415]

Yesssss

[@Pktommy1]

This video is extremely validating and such a good representation of how these relationships work

[@carriemeyer9222]

In a current situation with an Avoidant. I have made and continue to make efforts to understand his attachment style, to meet him where he's at, and to accept him as he is. I do not force, manipulate, or coerce in an attempt to change him. I recognize when he needs space and give it to him. I do not hold unrealistic expectations of him. I have watched him grow in subtle yet beautiful ways over time, and his actions show me that he cares deeply for me even if he doesn't verbally express his feelings for me. He is wholeheartedly worth the effort, and deserves to know what it means to be loved unconditionally even if he struggles with accepting/expressing his feelings and showing up with vulnerability. Avoidant people are just as worthy of love as anyone else- they just have a harder time accepting it. Please don't condemn and demonize people with an Avoidant attachment style. Thank you 💜

[@lizkiddersanchez1555]

Hi there! I’d love to speak with you about this more. I’m struggling with this right now.

[@meganlebon5891]

🙋🏽‍♀️I just had to abandon my avoidant man. I was completely unfamiliar with attachment styles. I had a great childhood and was focusing on my beloved career therefore no heart break and I am secure. He on the other hand had the difficult childhood. Things were great for 2 months. I thought he was my soulmate and he said the same about me. But once it was time to intensify the relationship he began drifting away, citing work as the reason why. I felt alone even though I was supposed to be with him, unwanted and invisible. He was never mean (though some can be) just slowly withdrew from me. He is a lovely man and if he could recognize it and work on it, he would be a fabulous partner for someone and I truly wish him the best! Thank you Brian, a very accurate description almost identical to mine.

[@evarudmik2164]

Yes pls do another video. You describe it’s all so clearly. I would love to hear more about avoidance men. I married one , Anytime there was a problem he always ran away and expected me to fix everything. I always told him that I feel like the glue in this family. Maybe he is a narcissist because now he’s run away from me after 4 decades Also ghosts his own family and his closest friend And how funny that people saw us as the perfect couple.

[@saradavenport6128]

Dated an FA for a year and a half. Had no clue what attachment styles were until he discarded out of the blue with the “I don’t think I’m what you want or need” and the “I need to deal with my past”. 2 weeks later was “in a relationship” with the new girl. I ended up in therapy where I learned what an “avoidant” was. Hardest relationship I’ve ever had to get over. I have empathy for him but knowing what I know now, I’d never want to be in a relationship with someone who could treat another person so coldly. How anyone can justify throwing you away treating you like you never existed is beyond my comprehension. Those are serious emotional problems that I don’t think will ever be addressed. Avoidants AVOID. They happily go on their merry way telling themselves it was YOU, never taking accountability or self reflecting on anything. They don’t communicate their needs, just bottle it all up until they resent you for things you don’t even know about and then just leave you in the dust while they move on to the next victim. 💔

[@kathysoriano8107]

Wow. Perfectly stated my current feelings and life for the most part. Hes bare minimum roommate with one sided convenience benefits.

[@justjersey2048]

@saradavenport thank you for this comment! I saved it. Just to remind myself, I'm not alone. ❤

[@deldoe2398]

@@justjersey2048me, too! I had no idea about until this past relationship. I still love him so much, but trying to move forward.

[@lynnsmith4929]

2 years of confusing hell, needs to be single, he dosent deserve me...wants to work on himself...yup..back on dating apps (thats if he was ever off them) never again.

[@rhonda728]

Thank you for making sense of this, I’ve spent years trying to figure out why someone pushes me away while keeping me so close, it’s very heartbreaking and confusing but now I have a clearer understanding why

[@belindaclevenger4759]

You're like a wise older brother telling us like it is! I had a brief relationship with an avoidant. He discarded me when things were going well, came back off and on for a year. Now I guess he's gone for good since it's been 3 months since I've heard from him. I miss him still but my life is much more peaceful with him not contacting me. I had no idea what an avoidant was until I met him. One of those lessons you didn't know you needed to learn.

[@cspace1234nz]

Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs, unless of course you are addicted to misery, pain and suffering, in which case they are perfect for you.

[@carolynsmith6738]

I describe my ex as emotionally bankrupt, his whole family were like this.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@carolynsmith6738 ….”emotionally bankrupt” is a slightly nicer way of saying “emotionally stunted”, either way they are emotionally unavailable aren’t they ?

[@winterkai12]

That's what I thought about my ex, he's emotionally immature and unintelligent in spite of being 10 years older than me. He runs away at any slight inconveniences and bails out. His emotional level is that of a teen in spite of him in his late 30s.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@winterkai12 ….yep, unfortunately age is no barrier to emotional unavailability and when it comes to relationships it often makes for loneliness due to an inability to connect on an intimate level. You’re definitely better off without him but it’s still really hard isn’t it ?

[@winterkai12]

@@cspace1234nz I always felt like he was emotionally available and we connected in an intimate and deeper level, however, he has avoidant tendencies that actually sabotaged the relationship and it was a lot of push-and-pull, hot and cold behaviour then. It made me so anxious. And I felt like he's not made for long-term relationships as he can't handle conflicts well or tries to avoid any hard conversations in the relationship. The way he handle things is that of a teen instead of a man his age. He wanted something easy and pleasurable all the time, when things get hard, he's out. And yes, I'm better off without him. But now that I understand his avoidant tendencies, I hope he can go to therapy which he isn't doing because he refuses help in general unless it's to get government benefits. Extremely hard at the beggining, but the way he disregarded me and my feelings moving on so fast to someone new sealed the deal for me.

[@besse473]

Yes please Brian, more info about avoidants - women can be avoidant too, due to the same reasons you describe. The key here is what you say, if people are actively working on healing their trust issues, then patience and kindness will win eventually. Some people have learned that they can only rely on themselves and it takes time to build trust with others. Thank you 😊

[@Portia620]

Thanks we do need time to trust people!!! 😢

[@nusratara5905]

I was in a relationship for 5 years. Initially he was so in love he used to do many things without even saying anything. But after a certain time when things started to get serious when I started to do the same thing for him and he started pushing me away. And created certain boundaries which didn'tmake sense to me but since I loved him I have accepted it. And this continued for 1 and a half year. He used to say the same thing that you have mentioned in the video that I am being sensitive and overly emotional,not practical enough. But I couldn't hold onto it anymore since I was not getting the love or attention. I was lonely. And I have decided to leave him. And he didn't say anything and he just let me go. But after ending the relationship he acted as if his world has ended but he didn't even try to keep me. I was very confused and I have lost myself for trying so hard for so long. Thank you so much for clarifying many things.

[@Musicisthelanguageoflove]

He likes me, he wants me, but fears the closeness he wants more than he wants it. He has some good qualities as a person and also believes he wants, an actually is, offereing a proper relationship. I was secure, but falling in love with him destabilised me. I still love him but......

[@ellengrace4609]

Time will cure you of that! Been there. ❤

[@meganlebon5891]

Me too, he drifted away after 2 months. If he returns and wants to work on himself and I am willing and available, then we will see. Sad though. A lovely man.

[@gardengypsy3407]

Same

[@angelm6497]

@@Musicisthelanguageoflove Trauma creates the avoidant attachment, you have to be secure to support their healing journey, just as they have to be committed to healing. If they are not committed then walk away. I have to say, I 'd rather deal with an avoidant than a co-dependent!

[@ausernamewhichmogs]

Same girl same

[@jennifers.8772]

I dated one for close to 2 years. I didn’t know about Avoidants at the time. The first time I told him I loved him (this was after lots of I love yous from him) he said “that doesn’t change anything.” Which it really must have. Over time he just became less and less affectionate, withheld intimacy etc. ie he deactivated me. I told him I’d leave his place sometimes thinking “wth was that?” Ultimately I was brutally discarded and we never spoke again. Very painful experience.

[@azuresea8086]

Great vid and more of this please. Avoidants are tricky because often they are genuinely nice people so there's no glaring defect as with the narc. It's harder to maintain boundaries and not slip into accommodating their fears. Still, it must be done. The red flag is not in them as much as it is in the person trying to bond with them and it is that feeling of overcompensating. Overcompensating = Red flag.

[@anne-mariewalsh6308]

I think you are one of the best male advisors on males on the internet today!

[@murahkami]

💯

[@janehotvedt3949]

Yes please. I've been with an avoidant, and it kinda turned me into an avoidant.

[@rinn9671]

That was good, thank you. More on avoidants and the difference to the narcissists would be greatly appreciated ❤

[@cspace1234nz]

ultimately no difference, they will both rip your heart out soon enough. Avoidants are really just well meaning narcissists. Avoid emotionally stunted avoidants at all costs.

[@annebos4634]

I've been told that all narcs are avoidant, but not all avoidants are narcs...

[@cspace1234nz]

@@annebos4634 ....either way they all tend to be arseholes who seem to be extremely destructive in relationships.

[@fromtheashes2023]

Yes please. This is very interesting and helps a great deal especially your comment about being kind. If you leave, you never feel bad if you were kind. Thanks

[@JonathanCartwright-h2d]

Very informative. Just realised my ex (been together 31 years) is an avoidant. Now gone off with a rebound and everything would appear to be lost, but I'm reclaiming who I am so not all bad. Perhaps it's his loss and my gain. Love you direct style and great sense of humour. Thank you

[@marthahardie]

This is helpful. At widow, age 72, I only have just so much time left. An ethical avoidant entered my life 4 years ago. Patience, kindness, truthfulness inspire trust, then safety. I have learned to be independent and not ask for favors. If he offers help, I allow him to perform arts of service because he said it is his love language. I accept him as he is and he accepts me. We vocalize how we value our friendship and respect each other's boundaries. I tell him that I avoid talking about emotions because it triggers him. Lately, he is attempting to get ME to talk about what's bothering me. I tell him that I don't need him to fix me and that I am working on regulating my emotions. I do tell him that I am content and peaceful and I am grateful for him being in my life because he makes a great day even better.

[@kath7386]

this is probably one of the best videos ive seen so far that explains avoidant behavior. presented in a very approachable, fluid way that just feels naturally conversational. im a secure who dated a man for a year and a half and i didnt piece it completely that he was avoidant until the end of our relationship. which he decided to end abruptly and it was a very “its not you, its me” and “i cant give you the relationship you need.” no conversation was had about what that meant to me and for us to define it further. it was just simply decided and there was no way of trying to work through it. mind you, we spoke about marriage and future plans so it felt seemingly serious. since the break up, they have not reached out at all. it feels very triggering and extremely sad hearing all the points made in this video, because the signs were all there. the whole time. i know he will never reach out to me again as he will find comfort in the attention of other women in his life through his career. my heart goes out to everyone who is feeling the loss and pain from being with an avoidant. its definitely not you. and you deserve so much more. so much better love.

[@sharon_rose724]

I also got the "it's not you, it's me" and "I can't give you what you need because of my traumas". Which was partly true. But he also had a habit of juggling women and got a younger woman pregnant. He was a friend of 25 years and we were always drawn to each other so it was extra hurtful.

[@gemmahart3985]

I can be avoidant myself: when a man has needy demands overly soon, it makes me suffer, and after a while I lose interest, I want to run away. One good way a relationship can work for me is when I meet someone regularly and not for romance, say we work closely together, and we become very friendly, deeply trust and respect each other, but no one wants a relationship. If he suddenly falls in love and is single, I’d feel happy to return his feelings and would not be so resistant as I had chance to unconsciously observe him in various situations and appreciate his good qualities and I would feel empathy towards his weaknesses, and even consider them cute. I think these relationships can have a very strong foundation based on mutual respect, understanding, deep commitment and adoration without over-attachment. Relationship is like a flower - it should start as a bud, and slowly develop into a flower. if someone comes and forcefully wants to open the petals, it’s very painful and unattractive. I am not someone who can love only some non-existent hypothetical man, I can dearly love a normal man, with his insecurities and weaknesses. Lately I have been in a couple of situations where I had met men who were worse avoidants than me. these were super sluggish and hot-cold type men, however if I liked them enough I would have been patient. When we get inpatient that is a true sign that there is lack of “second” commitment, and some sort of serious incompatibility. Modern day dating can work only if both candidates manage to like each other deep enough reasonably quickly, while no one pushes the other stronger than the other can bear. Best tactics is small steps. But not overly sluggish. There is a rhythm in everything. If your rhythms do not align, there is a possible incompatibility. Our mindset is very important during dating. We need to check how it feels in an non-pressured way that is safe for both people, and if it is too fast or too slow, go one step back, and repeat this as many times as it requires until you both are aligned, but provided there is overall and consistent progress, otherwise leave it.

[@elsagrace3893]

Ladies, time to go back to the old fashioned way of meeting for activities with absolutely no possibility of sex for at least a year.

[@enderl5761]

Yes my soulmate & I have only hugged the past 1.5 years despite strong or maybe insane chemistry. So you know the emotional connection is real & deep

[@MusiXificati0n]

​​@@elsagrace3893 I honestly felt like crying reading this, but in a good way. I had similar thoughts but was unsure if it could work out to wait that long in my current dating setting but your comment bolsters my conviction. Thank you!

[@donidan4894]

​@@enderl5761same for 2 years.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

🎯‼️

[@maevekilara5328]

Dismissive avoidant people can be just as kind, caring, and wonderful as anyone else and are no less deserving of being loved; that being said, until they've put the time and effort into themselves to become more securely attached, they are not yet capable of engaging in a healthy relationship so it's best to just not partake on either side. The hard part is that typically you don't see the signs right away so by the time you do, as he said, you've fallen for them and THEN that's when things get so much harder, so that's where it becomes crucial to love yourself more and remove yourself. It doesn't make either of you bad people and it's not wrong to acknowledge to yourself that no matter how wonderful someone is or how much you love them, they are not for you and that's ok

[@saoirselove6193]

This is written for me❤

[@Pernikitty]

Or you’ve bought a house with them and they aren’t willing to move in! 😂😢

[@Portia620]

@@Pernikittywow!!

[@summerlane508]

When something feels wrong, don’t go deeper with this person. Listen to your feeling. Something is wrong. And also, adults need to know what kind of issues they have themselves and are making their life difficult and work on it, no excuses. Avoidant are great at AVOIDING. don’t think they don’t know, unless it is the first or second time they have attempted a relationship. They know!!!!

[@anhpam9205]

Thanks, thisexactly how I am feeling now after a brief encounter with a guy who was not really emotionally available. We liked each other aplenty but the timing was not right. i probab;y pushed him away by being interested and showing it. should have let him chase but I hate that stuff. He knows he has issues and needs space and I am sorry I missed that. I should have relaxed . He was though interested in 'other things' quickly, which was not right for me. He didn't have the patience to put any effort into getting to know me beforehand and ran when I made it clear we needed to do that first. He zeroed in on me thinking he'd get what he wanted, fast. So it goes. (BTW, I am a woman in my 60's!) Nothing new under the sun!

[@sherrylanglois5823]

My dad was an avoidant man. At his funeral all his children and exes trash talked him, but all his buddies could believe what a good man he was. Unfortunately I was groomed to love an emotionally avoidant man. What a mess!

[@saradf]

For the first time i feel bad for a person who hurt me because i saw a broken man ,suffering and trying to protect me by hiding his problems that he wanna deal with alone. I respected that and walked away, he apologised for dragging me into his mess. That’s the difference between avoidant and narcissists! he was so secure when i fell for him and taught me how amazing love is❤ as an ex insecure person it did trigger my past wounds but i choose my healing and peace ☮️ i can’t save him. If it meant to be he’ll do the work and realise what he missed.

[@aliciacardenas5945]

I’m with one now, believe me it’s hard to handle this man 😢 tank you for a brilliant job,please make another video about this topic 😊👏

[@delicateweapon4041]

Me too, I’m just learning what these terms mean at 36.

[@gazelle3635]

This is one of the best videos on Avoidants. This describes my relationship perfectly. I was a secure attachment style but my Avoidant made me more Anxiously attached. He's discarded me and returned several times over the years. I loved him like no other so always took him back. Everything you said here describes him perfectly.

[@hotpink3459]

Are you still together?

[@kathysoriano8107]

I am currently with an avoidant. Funny thing is I used to be an avoidant. But I now am an anxious attachment type. It has been the most difficult, miserable, non gainful, misleading, fake, unfaithful/disloyal relationship I’ve ever been in. I hate to say the mental physical verbal abusive relationships I’ve had in the past were easier and clearer to deal with. An emotionally neglectful and toxic relationship like this one I’m in is the first thing that has pulled the wool over my eyes. I feel worse all around in this then when I got beat on. Crazy I know. I’d never put up with another abusive relationship ever again. Now trying to detach from this is a whole new level and I’m good at detaching with a quickness. I guess it’s the fact that I just don’t understand and it blows my mind how they can think some of what they do. I’m glad I’m not that person anymore. I missed out on plenty of great relationships with people in general, romantic relationships, friendships and other opportunities I know for a fact living the life of an avoidant. I’m a very understanding and compassionate person with empathy and grace but I have dealt with so much and accepted so many things when I know I deserve more and I desire very little. Free things that are easy as breathing. 🥺

[@czill4603]

I agree with you. I was in a verbally physically abuse marriage and nothing compares to the relationship I had with ex fearful avoidant. A screwed up ride that was. Takes a long time to get over it all. God bless you. Love yourself…that’s the answer.

[@alchemicalsoul]

That person can teach you the TRUE concept of unconditional love, and self-acceptance. Many people are conditional in their love and don't know it. It doesn't mean everyone will permanently relate to a person with avoidant tendencies, but if you choose to do so, you will learn the way of self-suffiency which is what most ancious people have needed to do.

[@r_and_a]

💯 agree! while many talk of the "anxious-avoidant *trap"* where an anxious chases an avoidant who pulls away which encourages them to pull away more, i find the flip side "anxious-avoidant *dance"* can be incredibly healing! when an avoidant pulls away, do so also - not out of spite or anything like that but respect their need for space & use the opportunity to nurture other connections/passions/interests then when you come back together you're both coming from more "full" places i'm a "fearful avoidant"/"disorganized" so it's probably a bit easier for me than an "anxious preoccupied" person but when 1st met my DA partner i was overwhelming triggered into my anxious side (big part of why we drifted away after 6 very rocky months) when we reconnected 18mo later i'd lean into my avoidant side when triggered which helped things last longer but since i discovered attachment theory & embraced the "dance" more our relationship has been blossoming as has my own personal development 💜

[@Portia620]

I did that unconditional love once!!! Applied to the wrong human like a con man or narc and you will end up numb no matter how loving you were!m and if people are not putting the work in and owning their own bs ..run!! Life is too short to help someone not willing to help them self! Women are not rehabs for ill men not willing to be strong men and step up to growth!!!

[@patty518]

Unconditional love is for children and for your own self, not adult relationships. You don’t abandon yourself and your needs in order to love someone else unconditionally. That is not loving or caring toward yourself.

[@Chantusyluvmuzik]

Yesss this is true definitely me since i was the anxious one but it does show u the true meaning of unconditional love.. the way Jesus loves ❤ whoah the test and patience u gain ..🙏🏾

[@Xenia-E-Zilli]

He told me how he likes me and how he has feelings for me, but when at some point I said that I feel that we are deeply connected, he turned ice cold. That word - connected - made him cringe inside. He then said how he doesn't feel the connection. So how someone can have feelings for someone and don't feel connected ? From that moment on, everything went downhill, sadly ....... When I left he was in shock :(

[@patty518]

The best thing my avoidant ex did for me in the entire time we knew each other was to break up with me. I thank him for that as I was too committed to making it work. Now I am with a wonderful man who is caring, loving, affectionate, listens to me and is available for emotional support when I need it. He is both a friend and a lover and doesn’t freak out when I express my very normal needs. In a way my last relationship with an avoidant has made me appreciate my current partner sooo much more!

[@annreilly7925]

This validated my experience i had with a 100% dismissive avoidant over the summer. You're 100% right it's not my job to fix or help him and I recognized that. While he kinda broke things off, I recognized he was right in that we weren't compatible because he wasn't doing any work on himself to mitigate his avoidant attachment style and put it all on me. And for a hot minute, I took it on. Ugh. Glad that's over. Lol 😅

[@Portia620]

Women are not rehabs for broken men unwilling to grow!! Strong men own their bs!!!

[@CoolBreeze-mj8gp]

Wow... I've seen a handful of videos about an avoidant, but THIS ONE hits the nail on the head! His past relationship he shared w me, was in a situation and she was on a break from her husband... they got close and then she went back to the husband. He seemed IRRITATED that she did that! I found it a bit odd, but when I asked was he inlove/loved her... he said ' im sure we both cared for eachother' ... fast fwd to he and I... when I was going through similar things, I saw him over and he was smitten! Then I didn't see him for a whole year and once I did, he acted smitten, again! He asked me out, this seemed great. But as the months rolled by, anything that seemed minimal to me made him put me in this ' I don't know if we can get along' box, eventhough there have been MORE good times than awkward ones. Now, he takes days even weeks to respond to texts that involve an emotional reaction/response. Avoidants are the hardest type of person I've ever been emotionally attached to... even my narcissistic ex was easier to understand!!

[@enderl5761]

Brian, I’m a fan of your straightforward insights & advice. I’m so glad you made a video on Avoidants. Pls make more esp on Fearful Avoidants. My wonderful soulmate is FA & I’m keen to support him & help him heal & for our relationship to grow into commitment. So videos on how best to support them & also to manage it so that it doesn’t just drift away or be in some twilight zone. Thanks so much Brian!

[@eg1620]

I spent years on and off with an avoidant. I'm the one that is sick of the bullshit.The cycle has completed, and he's back and wants me. No, thank you. The best way to be respected by an avoidant is to leave them. Even they know that their behaviour is appalling.

[@Portia620]

Agreed!

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

🎯‼️

[@czill4603]

Brian, you are the best! So many videos on this subject tell you how to get them back. WRONG! I too was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant. Tried twice. He broke my heart into a million pieces. Never have I experienced such a hard breakup. Just pushed me away with no warning. Rocked my world. It will be one of the most confusing relationships you will ever have. I would also add, my ex wore a mask, was an imposter and a people pleaser. I was in love with his potential. I pray for him.

[@clairexxx0405]

Hello Brian, Thank you so much for another amazingly informative video. I'd really love to watch more of youre videos on avoidant men please, most people will think im crazy if I say I was in a very abusive relationship and im now in an avoidant one we have both had difficult pasts, you asked what it feels like? For me its like a roller coaster of feeling lonely and then its ok again but then here my heart goes again why do I miss him so much and he seems ok without me? Why do I need so many cuddles and affection? Am I being too needy? Am I too much, maybe im not enough? Oh look at all those xx's hes put on my text 😍 No text night night, course he needs space Claire stop being ridiculous, hes just tired he works hard, you will see him next week when he can. Just a few random worries & thoughts. Thank you again I love it when you read until the end 🤗

[@angelinpdx2297]

Brilliant insights, thank you! SO true. My dismissive avoidant exboyfriend totally went into flaw-finding mode (finding things about me that were “insurmountable”). He self-sabotaged. He also had the exgirlfriend he pined over, SO true. I am healing my heart and scored as “Secure” on an attachment style quiz. (I scored as “Anxious” during the relationship with him, haha.)

[@rosemariemartinez4030]

Wonderful man, we’ve known each other 18 days. He told me right off when we met that he’s anxious/avoidant. So he knows, he’s working on it, divorced two months from his third wife. So I listen, give him space, I’m there for him NM/NY long distance romance

[@Pernikitty]

That’s ringing alarm bells, long distance is one of their go-tos for giving just enough of themselves. I truly hope this man is indeed serious about changing, but mine (nearly 4 years in) just seriously reverted as we got closer to making actual plans to move in together. Wants me to move to his vicinity, but won’t entertain moving in until the kids have grown up. 8 years from now.

[@CarmenSleeper]

❤the avoidannt vs the narcissist comparisons. More please.

[@HY-td8ru]

After 2.5 years, I finally walked away. We had talks about his disappearance cycles, talks about how I felt about it, talks about his empty promises, talks about how he wouldn’t hurt me again and again. I guess his avoidance fears are just too great to overcome. He abandoned me once again.

[@gazelle3635]

Love this video. Please make many more videos about Avoidants. I think it is avery common situation and would help so many people to understand this dynamic in relationships.

[@LadyDarkSunMoon]

You had me with "climbing the Everest in a swimsuit"; that is a great metaphor for the efforts it takes. No one can help an avoidant that's unwilling to recognize their own patterns, unfortunately...

[@NrsChapel]

I’m 6 months out from ending my 3 year relationship with an avoidant. These comments are so helpful and validating. Because of this man and everything I’ve been through, I was able to really get in touch with myself by researching and going to counseling. I had turned into someone I didn’t recognize and that bothered me. He reached out twice in the 6 months, wanting to be friends (Not after how he shattered my heart the way he did!) and both times I said Nope, have a nice life! I still have no interest in dating and I’m taking time for myself to heal for the first time in my life (I’m 45). Yes it sucked going through this, but it has also opened my eyes a lot. Good luck all! ❤

[@shotpusher]

Make more videos on the avoidant. Thanks.

[@Essensify-w3e]

can you make a video FOR the avoidant man please? Your videos are great!

[@anne-mariewalsh6308]

Excellent idea!

[@Pernikitty]

Just don’t use the term avoidant, they find it triggering. Oh no don’t use that word either, they find it ‘off putting’

[@annebos4634]

And for the avoidant woman...

[@annebos4634]

@@Pernikitty 😂

[@WhistlingMeg]

Broke up with my DA a month ago, after 4 years. I thought I was secure, so this was horrible when he pulled away - I just couldn’t do it any longer. Didn’t know what else to do though..

[@UrDominioN]

Why would a woman want a robot? They might not be bad people, but if they’re not giving the same thing you are, they don’t deserve you. Much love

[@AngelCline-o7g]

Please make more videos on this! Been dealing with this for almost 8yrs. I’ve never heard it explained so spot on by anyone else. Thank you!

[@paulaz9680]

Very accurate. It's nice to hear that feeling sth is off is not always a sign of neediness. Could you please make another video with advice how to detach emotionally from constant pulling& pushing game with such man?

[@yustmeok]

Thank you for talking about avoidant men. There aren't that many videos about it out there. I'd love more videos about this topic.

[@lisazidlick1650]

You are right from every direction! Perfect Video! Thank You! 😩🙏

[@lauriemorales7605]

This is a very important topic that I would like to hear more about! ❤

[@terrymondon7649]

Excellent video Brian❤❤

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

It’s impossible to be in a relationship with him. This makes me feel better about it being over. I got discarded abruptly two weeks ago.

[@dionneyagla5731]

I'm so sorry. ❣️

[@cathrinej3935]

I learned a great deal from this video. Thank you, Brian.

[@placebo106]

Weirdly, I'm stabilizing since I have been with my DA. I've been learning so much about myself, I couldn't have done it without his presence in my life. I'm learning how to communicate in a non-judgemental way, how to not be anxious or how to create a safe space and give space. Even others say I have a lovely energy now. I'm more self-assured, I know my boundaries better and I'm recognising when I slip into people-pleasing mode. Of course, the relationship has its ups and downs ngl, but I have grown a lot.

[@mansijain4258]

This was bang on right. I had met an avoidant who i felt was attracted to me. But as soon as I felt he realised I liked him too, he ghosted me. Years later, when he is married and I am married to another person he came back. And really looked interested. I am clear about his behaviour now seeing your video. Thank you so much. Make more videos on this topic. One point I felt you should have added was that they are scared of being vulnerable

[@beverlypatterson2550]

Thank you for this very informative and detailed video. It was so helpful on many levels. I was dating an avoidant (unknowingly) and experienced many of the things you described. As of this writing, I am giving him space and time, once again. So I don’t know where this will lead or end. One good thing I did do was remain calm and kind. I knew something was wrong but could not realize what it was.😢 Your presentation is professional and yet personal so you make the viewer feel engaged and appreciated.😊

[@valentinanocross8677]

Well expressed and i have known this for a long time. You do the best synopsis profile

[@Sudakshina_Kina]

Thank you Brian. This is very valuable. Please make more videos based on avoidant men.

[@Justyna-dg4hs]

Run. Run fast.

[@hannahchristo8214]

Wow Brian.. how I wanted you to talk about avoidant attachment style.. Thank you so much.. you hav a lot of wisdom.. you speak words of knowledge

[@alilsunshine7172]

What was it like?? Torture. Extreme stress. Crazy-making. Horrible heartbreak in the end. (MULTIPLE heartbreaks!!) Thank you for this video. It is one of the very best I've watched on the subject.

[@GCaroRC]

I hear you 🫂

[@dianagentile7636]

“Hi My name is David & I’m An Avoidance!!” 😆😆😆😆 Be Gentle Caring & Helpful!!! Thank You 🙏🏽 4 sharing Brian 🙏🏽🙏🏼🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️

[@TheTropics4]

Wow! This finally makes sense to me! I started romantically dating a man I was friends for two years. We didn't hang out much. Then we had three weeks of the most amazing love, affection, and connection I have ever had...then boom! Three weeks later, he dumped me! I was devastated and could not make sense of it because he is a good man and I know he truly loved me. Thank you for helping me finally make sense of it all.

[@erikacordoba3182]

Thank You so much! This is SO helpful. It's amazing how much You know the dynámics how avoidants work in relationships. I'm in a "relationship like this" and this has confirmes me i'm doing good. Thank You again and I Will love another video for You to go deeper in the topic. You are a genious! Keep up the good work. I'm from Argentina.

[@Rainerudhiel]

Yes, please make more videos about avoidant men! I have anxious avoidant traits-- but after 10 years with a narcissist, I realized one of the reasons I stayed was because of my own avoidance. I've been working on myself for 4 years, however, I still struggle to recognize avoidant traits in others.

[@chelsea14379]

This is the most informative video on advoidants I've ever seen

[@rmn_40]

Thank you Brian, plz make more videos about this topic & the dynamics in the relationship.

[@astrialias7605]

Yes, please make a few more videos about Avoidant Men. For example: What are the differences between Avoidant and Narcissist? What is the best way to communicate with an Avoidant without setting off their activation system?

[@madhumitalahkar6038]

The video was very informative. I had met a married avoidant man who fell for me. We went on for 2 yrs but when I realised that he was in love for me, he shut me off without any explanation. Never got to know the answer if he actually loved me.

[@WayneZalinksy]

Well maybe that’s for the best if he was already married…

[@Portia620]

Get real! Seriously no offense but love is infinate and it doesn’t go away!! Too many have no idea what love is and if he left he was lustful or something like Infstuated with illusion of you!!! Love doesn’t leave!

[@Portia620]

@@WayneZalinksy😂😂😂 she needs to never do that again! Why do these women do that!!???? Big big mistake ladies!!! These guys will maybe leave wife then do same to you! Nasty! 🤢 heck no! If he is not in an open marriage he is gross!!! To each their own and I don’t swing but at least they honest! This man is deceitful and you both have red flags on ya. Yikes

[@carolinecatona8728]

I am currently in a relationship with an avoidant. He is currently getting therapy, but progress is snail like slow. We are not talking as of yesterday because I can't handle the limbo the relationship is in, and I've asked him to make a real commitment to me. This video has been helpful. I had done all the effort to try to fix him/ the relationship at the expense of my own needs. This has led to frustration and fury on my part. Finally realized I can't fix it. I am hoping he can get the help he needs and wants. I now have to focus on me and my own attachment issues that have kept me in this relationship for so long.

[@KayCee45617]

This video came in the nick of time omg. Brian, I think you may just have saved me from years of misery! Thank you!!

[@JenJan36]

This is my relationship without question... spot on description 👌 helpful overview to better understand the dynamic and IF I choose to continue with this particular level of connection he's able to offer.

[@meganlebon5891]

My avoidant slowly drifted away after two months. Proceed with caution. He was unable to meet a super basic need, even though I asked respectfully 3 times. I ended up feeling in a relationship but still unwanted, and lonely.

[@vikkirapley5443]

Absolutely loved this podcast, I think I’m with this kind of man and it’s really made me have more understanding ❤

[@anyanwujuliet8022]

Love this... More please

[@deldoe2398]

Omg! I can definitely resonate with what you indicated. We were so much in love❤with all the oxytocin. After the 3rd year, he started complaining about all the little things and belittling me. In the end, he discarded me and I had no idea it was coming. He told me that he wanted his space. I was crushed and devastated. It had been 5 months now.

[@dionneyagla5731]

Uggh, I hate the "in limbo" feeling. If avoidants make up 20% to 30%, then I think that I've dated EVERY ONE of them.

[@confidenceblesson]

Thank you brian, this video was helpful😊. u clearly described my situation in your 3rd scenario. I met an avoidant man I didn't know was avoidant at d time, he seemed interested me. 3-4 months in, I was unattached so his interest grew. 5-6 months later I became comfortable with him and felt d need to be close to him. He then started getting upset over little things like me forgetting to turn off the light switch in the bathroom🙄 & the AC. boom😮..he pulled away without saying a word, & me noticing his distance pulled way as well & have been in NC since then. Watching ur video gave me clarity & I only hope for the best. 🙏

[@irenemwangi1126]

Brian makes sense always love form 🇰🇪🇰🇪🇰🇪

[@alfielopresti2821]

This is an amazing video!! Thank you. I learned alot about avoidants. Yes, would be great to learn more.

[@oleta7110]

Thank you, I appreciate your insight. Please make more videos on this topic!

[@ellenmykkanen3865]

I have a somewhat avoidant attachment style that I've been working on. and I see that I'm frequently attracted to men who are either unavailable or avoidant themselves. I panic when a man shows a lot of interest in me and that has kept me single for quite a while. I really like what you've said about recognizing the differences between avoidant styles and narcissists and would love to hear more about how to give someone a chance without losing myself in the process.

[@IanuaDiaboli]

God bless you for this video. I feel so relieved and validated.

[@TheTattooedSoul24]

I'm about to date one that I have worked with. He is in therapy. He suggested that he go by himself when I told him why I didn't want to date him. I can see changes already about 1 year later. He can admit his part in past relationships and takes full accountability for it. He is very eager to learn why he is like he is and what to do so he can adapt. After listening to this post, I can now see why he likes me. I've got boundaries and say exactly what I expect from him and what I will not put up with. He does not have to guess about much with me, but is it enough?

[@dandydiavoless310]

GREAT VIDEO!!! and yes please!! 🙏…. as an avoidant gal Id really appreciate you posting more on the topic ❤️‍🔥 thank you!!! I absolutely enjoyed it! I’m so glad I bumped into your channel! greetings from Mexico!

[@lisanneeeee95]

Omg thanks for this video. Especially the "you are pressuring me why is this so important to you. Why are you so sensitive and demanding..." He literally does that when I come to close. He is like yeah we can hang out. And even without putting a label on it. If we are together and are happy we don't need a label. And then I said I need a label because otherwise you can still date other girls. And then today because me pressuring he told me I am pushing him away

[@jenniferaquin1034]

This video completely explained to a T what happened in my last relationship. Figured out he was an avoidant however could not grasp it fully. It all makes sense now.

[@sunshineonmyshouldersmakes8331]

Yes. It was pure hell. Don't do it. It's not worth it. You will leave the relationship completely broken and in need of therapy (if you're a genuine and loving person.)

[@smhan280]

That was my experience too 🤣 I’m ok now, and back to thriving in my single best life phase after a multiple sessions. Hope you’re doing better too or on the mend at least xx

[@jeanjessmommysharlyn2771]

You nailed it everything is right and most of the women now are watching about dismissive avoidant attachment style

[@AnnaWhite-go6nz]

I dated one periodsxñaly this year. Set times for yourself. Set boundaries and lay out what you are looking for clearly, calmly. Observe. If they do not show you in their actions, walk away. Best thing I ever did and looked after myself . 8 weeks passed and see you later.

[@elisabethdecesso5508]

Thank you for this video. Now I understand him. Please make more videos about avoidants. Thank you

[@Portia620]

Why just avoid them like the plague because strong men don’t stay stagnant! They grow and we are not Ethan’s for ill men!!!

[@Portia620]

A weak man will cheat and leave!! That’s all yall need to know!!!!

[@PJ-xl5hs]

This is so good.. more please!!

[@summerlane508]

This is one of the best videos I’ve seen, and I watch a lot. Please make more, I have so many question. Thank you Brian Knox.