Can You Keep Old Friends in Your Life After You Heal?

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***
One part of healing people don't talk about is the loss of friendships. When we heal and change, not all our friends change with us; their traumatized behaviors often become painfully visible to us. Can you keep friendships with beloved friends, even when they might drag you back into your trauma? In this video I respond to a letter from a woman facing this dilemma. You might be surprised at my answer.
***
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[@meangirlhockey2812]

Often "Old Friends" secretly enjoy our pain. They pick away at the healing wounds and reopen them when least expected. Often the perfect amount of light we can SEE with ...... comes from a burning bridge.

[@lilafeldman8630]

Yes, they do.

[@r.p.8906]

great comment. They want us to be better, but never better than them.

[@annicks7385]

Exactly

[@carobutterfli2537]

I could not have said it better!

[@lyndseygolden7546]

Frustratingly true I lost a number of friendships in 2018 and with covid my mental Health I considered myself lucky to have already had a couple years I didn’t want to live through. And so much of that was coming from people I had really cared about undermining my ability to take care of myself and how much work it takes to get to the next day when grief disables your ability to find enthusiasm much less joy in anything. It was hard and sad to get out of those relationships but a lot easier to no longer be attached to them.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Realized several friends are narcissists.....now that I’m greatly healing I can no longer deal with them.....Ross Rosenberg says you will realize about 85% of your relationships are unhealthy when you overcome codependency

[@nancythornton2947]

I think that's me. There everywhere . I like being alone these days.

[@MsScottynz]

I'm happy alone most of the time, then it gets 😌

[@Catbooks]

Ross Rosenberg was one of the first I listened to about PTSD, who seemed to know what he was talking about. He's great. His voice alone is so soothing. He's such a kind man. When I first learned about narcissism, that my father had it, and then realised so did several people in my past and present, I began to wonder if I were seeing narcissists everywhere. How could it be that there were so many in my life? Was this real?? Then I began to understand why I was attracted to and allowing so many narcissists into my life. How could this be? Was the world really so full of narcissists you couldn't swing a cat without bumping into one? Then I realised yes, it's real all right, but I had unconsciously played a part in in. I hadn't learned how to have and express healthy boundaries, which would turn off a narcissist and I would be turned off by them and move on to others with whom this wasn't an issue. I was overly empathetic to others, abandoning empathy to myself. Of course that would attract a narcissist, and I'd be attracted to another injured person and feel like I could help "fix" them, without realising I needed first to fix myself.

[@Catbooks]

@@lisahinton9682 Of course not everyone is a narcissist, but there are a number of people who are, and that's a result of their own CPTSD. I don't think someone has to have a degree in order to recognise a narcissist. The majority of narcissists go undiagnosed because unless they're legally required to see a therapist, they don't seek therapy. Because they don't believe anything is their fault and are unable to take responsibility for their actions and instead place blame on everyone and anything else.

[@cardinalgin]

@@Catbooks Exactly.

[@ckingsman3894]

About 15 years ago, I realized that I had a pattern of picking friends who treated me the way my family did. They would be intense, close friendships but eventually they would engage in behaviors that involved mocking or embarrassing me in front of others. For decades I wondered what was wrong with me that my close friend always did this. Then I realized that they treated me the way my mum did. I was initially bonding with these people over something negative ( a mutual dislike of something or someone, a shared negative experience, etc). Eventually, that negativity would be turned against me and I would be devastated. Now I see that negativity as a warning. I refuse to get too involved with people who want to batch about their other friends, gossip about people we know, or complain constantly about little things. Kindness and support are now my required parameters for friendship. It has been lonely giving up most of my old friends, but much more peaceful not being constantly triggered and hurt. And now I no longer have to wonder "what's wrong with me?" when I am treated poorly.

[@natasaprot1811]

This is my life story 😔

[@carobutterfli2537]

Same here!

[@ckingsman3894]

It is really comforting to know that I am not the only person who does this. Thank heavens for Crappy Childhood Fairy.

[@rihannagirl556]

I have had the same experience. It felt like my mum groomed me to tolerate toxic behaviour and i became a complement to ppl like this. After observing the family patterns, im dont entertain self-doubt when someone crosses boundaries or disrespects me, i now get curious and then decide if if i should cut them off or distance myself. Good luck on your journey! :)

[@ritascappaticci767]

Wow... I really identify with your story... I realized that I also was attracted by this people because I was sick too, the more I recover the more I attract sane people

[@dawnmelton3013]

every healing period for me, involves letting people go. sometimes, it is just temporary and other times it is permanently.

[@charissaschalk5175]

Same for me! I've sometimes wondered if I'll ever be able to have lasting relationships! I look back at the past 25 years and see that each new relationship was a little healthier than the previous incarnation (ie, one work relationship compared to the previous one) but I can see the pattern of me becoming healthier and having healthier 'requirements' in a relationship, and after a few years, the old relationship just fizzles.

[@annicks7385]

@@charissaschalk5175 well said

[@annamc8228]

@dawn melton Thanks for sharing this ladies. I thought cycling through friends every some years was a problem but reading this string, its a natural process💜 I know feel grateful

[@dawnmelton3013]

@@annamc8228 i think change is probably the hardest part for us but it's necessary in order to grow and mature.

[@dianemoril7612]

me too. every 10 years or so my friends change.

[@tomtbi]

Sometimes friends aren't the healthiest for you...

[@nuthinbutluv4u142]

I think you attract people who match your energy at that time. When you heal or grow, they no longer match you, and it's time for new people in, who replace the old ones. If it becomes really awkward, that's your sign.

[@May-xt9pv]

As much as I miss old friends and family, I don’t miss them “shoulding” me, judging me and gossip. Creating & maintaining boundaries has been really good exercise as my awareness to my health increases.

[@amy5133]

The pandemic helped me to let go of friendships that didn’t serve me. I’ve had friends who simply didn’t want me to grow. For a long time (over 15 years) I was in constant people pleasing or a door mat to a group of friends. Surprise! When I started to heal & set boundaries they didn’t like it. I love them but letting go of that group of women has allowed me to find safe & honouring friendships which have mutual respect. I didn’t make a big fuss letting them go, I just gently walked away. Yes Anna! Do the things that help you.

[@Catbooks]

I love what you said and how you said it. Finding safe and honouring, respectful friendships once you let go of that other group. I'm the same, too much people pleasing and was too often unconsciously being a door mat. Then getting angry and resentful about it - with myself as well as with the other people. Not good. I think gently walking away is the way to go. Great post, Amy, and GO, YOU!

[@amy5133]

@@Catbooks thank you 😊

[@annicks7385]

Amazing.

[@lenaostholm9826]

This happened to me I walked away from narccissist friends only to realise how peaceful and good I felt not being treated as a doormat. I finally realised my own selfworth but it took 20 something years.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yay for you for getting there! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lenaostholm9826]

Thank you for sharing your knowlege your videos has helped me tremendeously. 💖

[@lynneivison5773]

Yes it has been very difficult disentangling myself from very long friendships. It is very painful because a lot of fun was had in these friendships but they were based on 'deep sharing' i.e. knowing everything about each other's life. I have a need, now I am an OAP, to have my secret garden, not to talk about my childhood at all with new people - it is just no longer relevant. I like light, fun conversations and connections. I can say just say 'thank you' to them all for the good times and move on. Sometimes the moving on takes time.

[@br2870]

I feel like I can't imagine wanting a friendship where I don't share everything. I feel like there's always the looming inevitability of the next crisis, and all those light fun friendships seem to vaporize at the sign of troubles. At least in my experience.

[@Catbooks]

@@br2870 I need close friendships too, where there's a real connection, and people to whom I *could* share anything, if I wanted to. Usually I don't feel the need to share everything anymore, but it's good to know I could, and that someone will be there for me when there's a crisis. In my experience it's not an either/or. With my closest friends I can enjoy fun and light conversations, and deep sharing too.

[@klou823]

@@Catbooks Old Age Pensioner 😊 although, senior sounds better.

[@amy5133]

Best comment ever! I can totally relate!

[@Catbooks]

@@klou823 Thanks! I'd have never guessed that, and agree senior sounds better 😄

[@lonebejder1144]

Why is it Anna, that the issues you bring up here allways match the state I’m in? I’m so thankfull❤️ It really supports my healing. During the last couple of months four of my closest friends has stopped contacting me. Probably because I have changed a lot lately. I am bringing my brain back, I try very hard to heal my flight response. I handle my anger and depression. I am nearly out of medicine. Trying to manage a new job. I try hard to accept my friends decision and I thank them inside of me for the good times, that we had together. Now I am facing a completely new life. My own. A free life. Thank you Anna🙏🏻 from Denmark

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Your own free life, how wonderful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dianelamorticella6053]

Going no contact with certain people has helped me heal. Painful, but it needed to happen. My love to you all.❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing!! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@rubychurch3466]

You said my love to you all Diane. What a beautiful thing to say.

[@Chahlie]

Oh my goodness, even people that I did not think were 'bad', actually were. When I look back I wonder how these so-called 'normal' people could live with themselves after using me the way they did. Like, what on earth were they thinking when they were blatantly using me for their own benefit? Do they excuse it by saying that I was a willing victim? Never ever be afraid to ditch people, in our case it's the healthiest thing ever :)

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

As we heal, we get stronger boundaries and more discernment about who are we interacting with :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@HereForTheCatContent]

I have just about zero tolerance anymore for people who pretend to care and then constantly cancel at the last minute, take forever or never respond when I reach out, or ignore me for months or years but pop up again when there's something they want from me. I've struggled with CPTSD and depression since childhood. I'm currently dealing with a health issue that's had a pretty big effect on my life the last two years. The lack of almost any support whatsoever has been astounding. (For the record I don't just talk about my issues or need support all or even most of the time; I mostly like doing fun things with friends or have conversations exploring various ideas, and I'm willing to listen and be supportive of them to, and have spent a lot of time doing this for people in the past.) A few people still felt comfortable asking me for favors though. These relationships just feel like crumbs and dust after awhile. Even if we do finally have a reasonably balanced and positive (or at least neutral) conversation, I don't feel any joy or real connection. I still care about them and wish them their best, but I choose to leave them to their choices. I realize that my inability to feel real joy and connection in situations like this may have (a little or a lot) to do with my own emotional state, but that's all the more reason to focus my time and energy on my own healing. That's an area I have some control over whether my efforts will eventually be fruitful.

[@TopSecretInformations]

I wish I could fav your comment more than once.

[@shewins3775]

I thought this was going to be about when you heal, you realize all your friends were narcissists. That’s such an eye opener and a shock.

[@Catbooks]

When I first started to heal, I began to wonder how so many people I'd surrounded myself with could be narcissists. Was that even possible? Was it that my perception was off? Or were there really that many narcissists around and that I'd allowed into my life. What WAS the truth? What I've learned, at this point, is that yes, many of them were narcissists, and I was busy painting red flags white out of my people-pleasing, fear-induced CPTSD. Which is like catnip to narcissists. I saw and felt those red flags, but denied them, and abandoned myself for the sake of others. Oops. I didn't know. Now I do. Now when I get an uneasy feeling about someone - a red flag - I stop and think it through. Why do I feel that way? How authentic is this feeling? If it's trauma being triggered, slow the hell down. This may be a real red flag, which means, walk away. Don't paint it white. No matter what, take it slow, give yourself all the time you need to reregulate so you can figure out if you're painting red flags white and are in denial, or it's past trauma colouring what you're feeling. There's no rush. A solid friendship or romantic relationship has that kind of time.

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Yes! This! The first friend described in the letter sounds like a malignant and toxic narcissistic jerk but the second friend is at least working on herself, and non violent and not verbally and potentially physically abusive like the first friend. Second friend sounds like she’s really trying and is probably a good person but doesn’t know how to handle conflict or stress. If someone told me they had a friend like the first friend in the letter I would tell them to run run run! I’ve had those people in my life and holy cow it’s been amazing since they’ve been out of it! But yes once I learned about narcissism and started healing I realized all the people that have been closest to me in the last several of my worst years were highly narcissistic and abusive. My life restarted when I got them out!

[@shewins3775]

@@Catbooks A great post and great advice. Thank you and Godspeed.

[@shewins3775]

@@ComradeFromRhody401 Absolutely!! The friend that comes and goes and act like nothing happened is definitely a narcissist- that’s what they do. Healing comes with a high price, yet you finally get to meet who you were supposed to be all along.

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

@@shewins3775 yes but I don’t think she acts like nothing happened, she said she apologizes profusely and will often overcompensate for a while but then isolate herself again. They also have cPTSD and isolating is extremely common, I do it but I absolutely love my friends and would do anything for them. I would do more for them than I would do for myself. I think attachment is coming into play here. The friend that comes and goes is clearly FA, and the psycho over the top malignant narcissistic friend that screams at everybody is probably Anxiously attached. Dr. Ramani did a video recently this past week explaining how most narcissists are anxiously attached. I couldn’t agree more but I’ve also dealt with some seriously covert narcissists that were obviously dismissive avoidant. The fearful avoidants are almost always really good people but deeply injured. Also we are not getting all the information here, what is the friend that wrote the letter with CPTSD do to make them pull away like that? There has to be some thing. Nobody’s perfect we’re all human at least the girl who wrote the letter and the second friend are actively healing unlike the first friend. I really think they need to get rid of the first friend with the over the top crazy behavior

[@emil5884]

I have noticed that the concept of out-growing old friends is offensive to a lot of people, probably because it sheds light on their own unfinished business. Oftentimes they will proceed to make you out to be the perpetrator and as judgmental. Let's remember that discernment belongs in every relationship.

[@lindaharrison3240]

Detachment is the key.

[@wordivore]

Pretty hard when your friend is right next to you fighting with the cashier, unless you meant it like, don't be friends with her anymore then yeah.

[@mgw622]

@@wordivore I think there are multiple kinds of detachment. Physical detachment, sure. But you can also distance your mind, heart, and soul from a situation. Recognize that it's the other person's stuff and you don't have to engage with it or even attend to it.

[@tomtbi]

You can't change your "friends".. until they decide themselves they need help to change...

[@ms.anonymousinformer242]

If their causing their own problems and constantly asking for rescuing.... When the rescuing is not so much the problem, but rescuing results in them gas lighting, or throwing you under the bus, or turning around and talking behind your back , only to find out they lied about some aspects of what they told you (about their current issue) because they don't want to be called out on lying about something else... now imagine only associating with them to "be there" for their child. But when you open your home to help the child , the child is used against you by the parent and acts the same way (from being conditioned to be that way).... imagine if that is a sibling and someone you would stay FAR away from if they were not blood related because you can't stand them and have nothing in common all at the same time. Imagine being looked at as the bad guy for choosing not to help them because of not wanting to experience the gas lighting afterwards, the talking behind your back afterwards. Or having to re live seeing them fail and/or ending up in a tragic situation (that they caused by stupidity/addiction to drama etc..) and not having the emotional energy to keep up with their drama. Then being judged by other family members for not helping and being accused of having "conditional love" when trying to establish boundaries.

[@robertkeable1627]

Because of cptsd I never made true friends. A sad state of affairs at one age. Pushed them all away at it seems safer.

[@r.p.8906]

yup... me too... I never know if I over react or if I under react..

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

A lot of our members identify with this, and are connecting with each other- check us out bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mgw622]

Oof yeah... I think this is true for me too. As a fawn type I was never actually myself with people so they were never really friends with "me" they were friends with the mask I wore to appease them. And now that I'm working on not losing myself in relationships, it turns out they don't seem to like the real me. Sucks to have to replace practically your whole social network.

[@yellowfruitchocker9879]

@@mgw622 so true... It sucks when you stop appeasing and they instantly dislike the more authentic version of you. But it also clarifies on what grounds was the relationship built. I now prefer living in truth.

[@mariacullati2371]

When I find a friend is unhealthy (screaming, demanding) I keep my cool and give them space. I remain calm because it's good for me not to get sucked into misery. I remain cordial with friends because I love them and anger never solved anything. I heal me they will work at their own speed.

[@My_House_]

The fawning 😐 No own life and only adapting. Scared for any confrontation so hide or say nothing, even if they hurt you somehow. A bit like a ghost 😑 And ofcours the circling 😃 Thank you Anna 👋🏼

[@r.p.8906]

the basic fear of fawning is rejection which is worse than abandoning, bc abandoning leaves the person intact, and away while rejection, is destroying the person with words, beatings, slander, etc., etc., then, fawning continues in adult life and is self-rejection, self mutilation etc.. the worst

[@isabelaaaa1255]

the ‘no own life , only adapting’ SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE lmaooo wasn’t ready but that really resonated with me

[@toothpastehombre]

No one is perfect. Everyone is on their own journey. A little grace goes a long way, both to one's self and the people around them... so does adjusting the angle of your snoot... Healthy grace includes clear and healthy boundaries

[@lunasea4309]

🙌 well said

[@stacyjaye6350]

"No person is poor, if they have one friend. Three friends, that person is rich." - some random dude. Meaning, we only get one or two real friends in this life. You don't have to isolate but you can keep your world small.

[@heathersheagley7172]

I JUST had to block some "old friends " that I realized were toxic. It's saddening that I've allowed to be disrespected so long all "in the name of love or loyalty". I've sat around waiting for "my turn" to be important all the while, I'd drop anything anytime they needed a friend. I realized I was simply validating being abused STILL. I'm taking my life back and claiming my healing and recovery. I simply deserve to be healthy and happy

[@ksaas9]

This video is timely.Recognizing when you’ve done the work to heal your own trauma but others remain the same. Sometimes it feels easier to keep these “old friends” and maintain relationships with family members who are dysregulated out of fear of abandonment or rejection. The more you become aware of your own needs and desire to heal, the harder it is for others to understand or accept the newer version of you. In the words of Yung Pueblo “ Have you noticed when you have had the urge to change someone, what you really want is for them to behave more like you?” The desire to have inner peace is more valuable than battling external turmoil with others unhealed CPTSD. Letting go of certain relationships that are stuck in the past is more important than making space for them. You can love those people and let them go.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Well said. Thank you for sharing. - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

I love this. After my narcissistic relationship I started doing the work to heal inner child wounds and my cptsd from having a toxic family and being molested as a kid . As soon as I started healing my cptsd I lost most people in my life. My 14 years friendship , my mother and sister also. I was so excited when I started healing cause I was told I was the narcissist in the family cause I mAde every bad decision and choice I could in my 40 years and my mom and sister always helped me out financially so I thought yeah now I can start doing things for them to let them know thanks for helping me so much, but they had more issues with me healing then when I was down. When I was broke begging for money all the time they would want me around everyday complaining how I’m messing everything up but still helping me and now when I have money and wanna take them out to eat or by them stuff they ghost me and silent treatment. Then once I put up boundaries I became the worst person to them but when I doing dumb stuff out of depression they would always talk to me . Then me therapist pointed out I am the black sheep of a narcissistic family and I broke down crying . But I have grieved and healed lady few Months and my perspective have changed and I love the man I am but my family hate the healthy person

[@Peanuts76]

this are always the dynamics if scapegoat in the Narcissist family, and you are right, when we raised as scapegoat, our family always crossed our boundaries if we ever say to them, and then there's this cycle of abuse and gaslit to us, like they know conciously what things we can put up eventho it's really triggering and made us angry..... cut the trauma bond is hard, as they enmesh our individuality, but focus on yourself first, self care and try to find new activity that you enjoy, or as i say, hobbies outside family dynamics..... hope we healed, god bless and take cares....

[@Ilovemoneyandmoneylovesme]

Thank you for sharing this and I’m Proud of you

[@richardseargeant1077]

Anna Runkle, You are a gift! I've been listening and learning for a little over a year now..... and the thing I appreciate most about you and your desire to help others is that: you are so real.... and practical. This letter that you shared is heartbreaking and encouraging at the same time. I think one of the things we struggle with the most and I'm going to say is..... presupposed by Tina, the writer of the letter is that: we want relationships to be unpainful. Why is it supposed to hurt? Is that normal? As kids we don't get this. Relationships are painful. They're also beautiful.......... when they're healthy! As you wisely say, healthy relationships have boundaries...... one's that we hold for ourselves...... to keep us safe and enable us to participate in a healthy way with the ones we love around us. Please keep up the good work! You are helping many, maybe hundreds, maybe thousands with your insights. I'm very thankful for the technology that allows me to learn from you, Rick.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you so much for this kind comment!

[@meggallucci5300]

Good advice to love people as they are. If you cannot do this, consider leaving the relationship. You cannot change others, just yourself.

[@r.p.8906]

How is waiting in the car going to help? She’s coming in the car with all her toxic energy. It’s down to how valuable we think we are and how much we can love ourselves. We are not “ normal”! We are CPTSD! We need major self-preservation and the moderate boundaries are almost always not enough

[@wordivore]

Yeah, I'm not in agreement with this advice either. Sometimes we just have to let go and say goodbye. If that 'fight mode' behavior was coming from a significant other, I think Anna's advice might be different. I don't understand why it's not in this case. Even if the 'fighting' friend isn't fighting with her, she's still very much effected.

[@free2beme773]

@@wordivore I do think the later advice about staying grounded and non-judgmental and bowing out and saying you are frazzled is good - if you stay in relationship. Plan B is critical.

[@kathyingram3061]

~Id want to say something in her children's defense, even if she didnt like hearing it~

[@tomtbi]

I agree boundaries are crucial here...

[@mitra2028]

The four F's. 1.Fight 2.Flight 3.Freeze 4.Fawn. Well described Anna.🙂

[@gaiasophiaschoolofhealing]

Sometimes cutting ties is the best thing for our healing. Remaining in toxic dynamics can keep us stuck and delay our healing process.

[@billbirkett7166]

I had to have my entire life collapse before I could let the old things go. And I mean, I had to let everything go. I had to acknowledge that I had really been living a complete lie, an inauthentic life that I really hated, with relationships that were like vampires. Perhaps my life is emptier now, but...I'm happy that I don't have to deal with anything that I didn't intentionally put there of my own free will. I think that I am one of the lucky ones as this has happened to me in my 30's. I feel so burned out, but strangely, I have learned to feel joy again. I moved to Montana and I gave up on the big city life, which is full of liars and empty promises. I lowered my expectations severely but I am rebuilding with a new career. I got lucky because so much of the dead weight was actually taken out for me--I reached back for it, but it was gone. Now I am left with nothing but authenticity and that makes me feel about 1000% better. There is no greater approximation of hell than to be living a lie.

[@andynixon2820]

People like us often seek out friends and partners who are also damaged . We're hoping that there will be a mutual comradery or so that we can fix them if we're so inclined. As you say we can grow and develop as we start to fix our selves and we truly wish them to embark on their own journeys as well . But , they seldom do . They can be scared of facing their demons , sceptical of the process , or just comfortable in their own pity . We may still crave their company on our journey Dear friends , but probably best let them go as they will drain you of energy you vitally need for yourself. Jordan Petersen talks of making a sacrifice for a greater outcome , this is it .

[@birchc.1542]

I think this makes sense because i’ve watched folks who have moved on from addicted behavior- sometimes completely cutting off is important.

[@Healingfromtheroot]

It’s wonderful when we reach this point of healing. Sometimes parents with unhealed cptsd can be too difficult to see as well

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good point! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@dotendit]

You are right, the big question is are we willing to love people as they are. But then also, what do we put up with from them. How close we stay, even if we love them. If we are let's say half healed, it can be too triggering to stay too close too often. If we are well healed and well detached from certain behaviours and influences, we can stay closer and lead by example but even then it can be stressful. So it all depends on how much energy we can freely give away and then we still have plenty, and it also depends on the fact whether or not there's real mutual love in the picture, regardless of initially bonding over shared trauma's. I'm adding this later because I forgot something. There's another scenario that actually happened to me. The one in which we might not want to lose our friends and are willing to love them as they are but they might want to lose us. This whole thing that I described happened to me: healing, more and more loving people as they are but more and more detaching from behaviours I found stressful or not honest. There was mutual love and finally I could just give and accept and I'd still have enough because I learned to master my " energy household" more. But the other party refused me, regardless of love. Too proud and too ashamed and not wanting to be led by example or being influenced in other ways. I ruined some kind of status quo by changing myself and my attitude and perception. In their eyes I probably betrayed the past for the future.

[@swatirajsgi]

Deeply resonated with me.

[@starlaeuropa]

I have been noticing this lately. I moved away from the area as soon as I was able to, and while I keep in contact with some childhood friends, there are one or two that I just don't feel comfortable around (one in particular was the source of some of my childhood trauma, and I sometimes can't help but feel triggered around her, although she seems to have forgotten all about it - naturally). I have been on a few nights out with them over the years, and I have recently been making excuses to avoid it, as I know that my healing will get messed with if I have to be around this person, and she often seems uncomfortable seeing how much I have changed since I left the area 25 years ago, while she is still stuck in the same old place with the same old patterns. I am somewhat conflicted, because most of the friend group I have known for much of my life, but at the same time, I think I have outgrown them, as my life is now very different to theirs.

[@sarabjeetkaur7689]

Just move on its your life either we grow with people or we outgrown them i know it seems tough sometimes but its worth allthe best❤

[@maryelizabeth6797]

I have a problem overcoming childhood bullying. This was by my siblings and the reasons behind it are too long to explain here. I have tried for decades to make them recognize and understand but all I get is ‘I don’t remember that’. I have come to the realization that they personally have no reason to remember. They spewed their bile, it’s gone from their mind set so they have no need to retain memory or an emotional connection. However, as the receiver, we are left with the emotional negative impact and confusion. It sticks. We are in a position that we are too young and inexperienced to deal with. That’s the secret of hate in all it’s forms, release the hate, rejoice in the moment of self expression and then walk away. The damage is done but not your problem now. Sibling bullying has only been considered as bullying for about the last ten years. This nonsense that bullying, of any kind, is helpful or a good method of strengthening someone is just B.S. Like myself, don’t worry about the offender, concentrate on removing the emotional pain. It’s hard but it will help to not let the emotional pain stick. As far as I’m concerned, it’s their pain and I no longer will take ownership. I wish you well. It’s so peaceful on this side of the barrier. ❤️🇨🇦

[@adrianacowart]

You are the kindest most compassionate therapist I gave seen online. These videap have helped me so much

[@Catbooks]

I'll add wise to your list. She is amazing, and has helped take me further in healing in just a few months of watching her videos than 11+ therapists over years.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for your kind words. I feel obliged to remind everyone, I'm not a therapist!

[@godzillamanstreb524]

This is me! Except several of my friends are narcissistic & now I realize why I was with them

[@moonbeanification]

Anna, your wisdom and compassion are so inspiring. THANK YOU for showing us how to heal from CPTSD. You're an angel! ♥♥♥

[@fantabulousfreak9821]

I see a lot of comments that I identify with and I'm beyond grateful that I stumbled across this channel and this video, albeit a few months late. I have friends who trigger my distress and I've stopped talking to them but there is this one good friend of mine of 8, almost 9 years and we used to bond over similar childhoods and talking trash about people as that's how my family would bond. I've grown out of that now and stopped doing it on top of taking initiative by seeking help from counselors and out university psychiatrist. This friend treated everyone badly but they treated me well, as if I were special and he played an integral part to who I am today when he taught me to stand up for myself and we shared everything together. When he found someone he was infatuated with but that someone didn't really give him the time of day as often as he wanted, he began projecting to me and made me feel guilty for not being there as often as he wanted when I got busy with university. Insults, berating me, guilt tripping, inserting all sorts of insensitive comments and being an overall awful person to be around. I did all I can to pacify him and when that didn't work, I put my foot down against him and told him I didn't like how he was treating me. I grew out of my old, awful, and mean habits. He never did. And that's not an old friend worth holding on to. Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy, and to everyone here in the comment section for affirming that it is alright to let go of people like that, even if the friendship has spanned years to this point. I'm grateful and I'm hopeful that it can never be too late to go out and meet new people.

[@emilyanderson9797]

Absolutely. I had a friend since the age of 8 (I'm 48 now) and I knew she felt proud that we were still friends decades later. But it was so one-sided, she didn't remember birthdays, talked all the time, could't understand 'why' by abusive ex did what he did, and many other times when I felt unseen, unheard, squished. The last time I saw her, a few years ago, she talked for four hours straight about herself. Only once asking , 'so how are things with you?' and then jumping right on with herself after I said a sentence about my life. That was it for me. What kind of friend is that? No care for another, no willingness to even bloody listen for five minutes, just always about themselves.Awful. I'd put up with it for far too long. I don't even miss her now.

[@free2beme773]

I like the Crappy Childhood Fairy’s overall advice to be gentle and work on ourselves and remain hopeful. But, as she says herself, boundaries are absolutely everything if we stay connected to unhealthy people, So, I'm disappointed in this one example she gave in how maybe you could go with your friend to the store, but ask if you could stay in the car. I think the Crappy Childhood Fairy failed to set a strong healthy boundary in this example by suggesting to ask permission to stay in the car when it should have been a firm statement that the person IS staying in the car. And, I would have liked further discussion on what to do if the friend argued about it and how to follow through with the boundary and the consequences of making that statement and defining the boundary in that scenario. What if the friend said, “No, I don’t want you to stay in the car. I need your help. Come in with me. “ Then what? Then the fawning person is put back into old behaviors of accommodation or faced with confronting her friend in a situation that could leave her in a car with an angry or upset person or being abandoned. We should never ask permission for a boundary. We should state our boundaries clearly BEFORE it happens again. In this case, she would need to say, “I’ll meet you at your/my house. I don’t want to go out.” If the friend couldn’t do that, then decline the visit. I have been put in this situation myself. I told my SO beforehand that I will never get in the car with this friend again. I had been in the car with them twice before and their road rage, erratic driving, and distraction were terrifying. But, when we got to the friend's house and the “chores” for everyone were split up, I was designated to go to the store with that friend driving and my SO did not step in to prevent it or provide alternatives! I felt trapped and didn’t want a scene with my kids there. So, I went. It was as bad as I thought, and I was grateful I only had to go 1 mile with them. But, I let my SO know that if they did not protect me from this in the future, I would simply say we had to go home. Fortunately, I later realized it is my job to protect myself, and now a few years later, I instead have decided there is not enough good to outweigh the bad in that friend relationship now that our kids are grown and gone, and I no longer visit that family. It kind of makes me sad, but I now realize that I was always put down or mocked or used, and I can't see that changing. We should never be in a car with someone who flies off the handle. They are usually not safe driver’s and therefore make it dangerous for us both physically and emotionally. They often engage in dangerous driving techniques and threaten other drivers. Also, if they get stopped, there is potential lethal danger if they confront an officer. Further, their bad behavior always, always carries over into the atmosphere, and it is toxic. Setting boundaries on their behavior means telling them goodbye when they behave that way. Staying there enables them, and make us miserable.

[@andrealmoseley6575]

This comment is from the other side. Sometimes I literally have no energy. I don't call back, or I say no, etc. Something happened maybe and I can't be around a certain person. Sometimes I can't talk about it. Often I want to reach out but just can't. So I work on my healing and occasionally I csn reach out again. I'm sorry for the pain on the other side. When I can barely breathe that's all I can do. Fight for breath. Much less call back or go out. So, I'm saying this to say, don't take it all personal. It may be the other person's problem. People have done it to me and I know it is painful. But not sure what else to do.

[@peeppeeping1389]

I ended three friendships from college that had been 30 years in duration. I had a few good years but Covid has really messed things up for me in the healing. I figured out some of the friends were narcissists. Two were massively against my no contact.

[@TopSecretInformations]

And you were massively against their choices.

[@Bopomama]

Me too. Realising who and what they were was just ... liberating.

[@ldellan3211]

"you have my permission to love them anyway." 😊💕

[@slowmochicken]

I think procrastination is part of the freeze response. It's paralyzing

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

yup! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@mysteriouschaos3849]

When you've grown up developing this cptsd, most of your friends reflect the opposite side of that. Similar to role play and role assumptions. Playing out the same relationship trauma experienced as a child. Most friends, not all. The challenge is in identifying who is who, then in keeping any other friends at a safe distance, if at all.

[@jenniferlu7649]

Yes! I am trying to do this too!

[@laurahennessy2893]

I have alot in common with this person writing this letter. I found that I don't ask people if it will be ok if I take time out for myself. I just make announcements going for a walk, meditation time, self care time ect..... I just express my disappointment with the neglectful friend I pray with them and reassure them.

[@nathanosterhaus]

I'm the damaged one that got kicked to the curb by many. Don't get me wrong, I've kicked many to the curb as well, some I've pushed away and didn't mean it, but couldn't get it back. I'm finally at my alone point and at first it felt horrible, but after to dived in the darkness, I realized that I'm finally free.

[@isitjustawasteoftime786]

This is awful. I’m in the middle of watching this and a family member messaged me, I sent a lengthy response, then went back to the video. I have to laugh because what else can I do at this point, but I did everything you just said not to do. I’m going to have to save this video and watch it a few times to let this sink in. It’s very difficult to love some people where they are. I’ve been hearing the same complaints from this person year after year and they have no intention of doing anything about their issues, whether they are physical medical issues or mental/relationship issues. It’s the same conversation over and over, so out of frustration I started offering possible solutions. Of course none of them would ever work. I care about this person, but I’m being dragged down almost every single day. I feel like I’m just cutting people out of my life left and right as I go through healing my own trauma.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That happens, and you can always cycle back later if you want. Nothing has to be forever :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@inmyownwords9798]

I tried: If they don't ask for advice Don't offer. Just say oh, ok, um hm.. hm, yeah, I see when they talk. If they do ask, say.. what does your first mind say... well go with that... & let them know you've got to run & you'll chat later 😉 & hopefully I didn't overstep a boundary, peace and blessings to you

[@jmfs3497]

This is where I am currently in my healing. I've noticed for about two years a couple people in my life who are frustrated that I no longer make myself smaller for them. Over the last two years as I stopped people-pleasing and started voicing my own needs, I began noticing how often they were dismissing my needs/voice, even though all i was seeking was equal compromise. I simply stopped negotiating verbally, and started prioritizing my needs without them.

[@moedervanbranko409]

The detailed examples from the walking wounded club members you(ve) share(d) are very very helpful for identifying our own issues and where we stand. The summary at the end as well. You're are making a difference in helping people to heal🙏

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your support of the Fairy and channel! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@janethagen3385]

Best friend broke off the friendship 4 yrs ago when she remarried. She sends a card at bday & Christmas with vague greetings and never anything personal about her life. Outside of this, she has nothing to do with me. It makes me feel worse. I get that card and hope arises, so I send a text with a picture….then zero response. Part of me wants off her card list and just put the nail in that coffin. The other part of me is like an abused child who keeps hoping that family member will love them and so secretly waits for that card that causes pain and rejection. It’s too much. The anticipation of the card and the patterned rejection.

[@peach411]

Thanks for that. My autonomic nervous system didn’t calm down until my 40s. Once it did, I could socialize so much easier and with more confidence.

[@autonomydepthconsciousness7633]

It's true as you grow in self-awareness it can be difficult to integrate back into your old friendships especially if the friends are complacent. Sometimes you'll have the odd friend that is inspired by you... that's always nice!

[@allisong.4280]

I had a friend who was stuck in fight mode too. We seemed to get along great at first, but layer by layer her true colors started to show. Soon she began to fight me over every perceived slight, she was extremely preachy and snarky, and she just wanted to fight and argue with me over every little thing possible and always blame me for things instead of taking accountability. No matter what it was, it was always all or mostly my fault and never hers, so I finally had to take my leave. I hope she gets the help she needs to become a more pleasant individual to be around and be friends with, but she doesn't seem to want to take the proper steps. Unfortunately for her, she won't get a second chance from me. I'm not willing to take that risk again and sometimes we need to learn from our mistakes in order to realize something is definitely not right with us and we need to make changes. Next time she gets a friend like me, I hope she doesn't mess it up.

[@caliblue2]

Knowing what your limits are and creating a kind way to establish those boundaries is awesome advice. When you’re stuck in the trauma cycle it’s hard to do that so A conscious effort even rehearsing your boundaries when you’re alone would probably help. Abandoning others isn’t nice but the one person you don’t want to abandon is yourself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for chiming in! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@azcactusflower1]

While watching this, I realized I didn't listen to my intuition yesterday saying "You need to leave before they come here" (friends of my cousins). I didn't honor myself and the 'visit' turned out like ground hogs day. I shouldn't be surprised their patterns showed up. Additionally, a month ago I started fasting and have noticed a change with my emotional responses. Makes sense as autophagy from fasting 'renews' your cells. I'm exited. (I follow former Olympian, Dr. Sten Ekberg on YT) Limitation in all ways is key to healing

[@LizNeptune]

The hard relate I have for this omg!! I have a flight friend and it ended up ending or “pausing” our 19 year long friendship! Refuses to heal! And her wounds were rubbing off on me! So I peaced out. Call me when you’ve done the work…

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Been there myself :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@kimlec3592]

Refuses to heal...maybe not. Maybe just unhelpful people in her life. Hard to heal on your own. But totally understand need to distance from those who try to disable you with words.

[@JesusSaves77799]

Absolutely beautiful video. I loved it. I loved how you didn’t automatically dismiss her friends, but showed her how to be balanced in the situation (because they seem like important people in her life although I agree that setting up some boundaries or protections might help her and them too in the long run!). I also loved how you described not telling everyone the healing work we are doing - or trying to fix others. I think that was so great because you are right, most people don’t want to be told what to do. They follow examples of healthy people!! I also thought it was so wise how you said that we don’t have to tell everyone that we are setting up boundaries (because that can be offensive to some people). By just doing them they can learn from us too and we can feel better too by not getting ourselves into uncomfortable or even potentially dangerous situations. I mean, I think if someone is doing something dangerous we need to tell them, but for the smaller stuff just taking care of ourselves can say a lot and the person can ask us when and if they are ready what it is that we are doing that is working in our lives. I loved this video! Thank you and God Bless You! 🙏💖

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for these detailed comments. Made me smile!

[@JesusSaves77799]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You are so very welcome! Thank you as well for such an excellent video! I really appreciate your insight and wonderful thoughts!

[@karentyndall7948]

Brilliant advice as I have culled friendships as too triggering!!!!

[@emilyanderson9797]

Same. And it's okay not to keep wanting to be triggered, upset or not respected.

[@marilyngreenblatt746]

True friendship is a life- long commitment. If you bail on a friend, you are what is called a "fair weather friend".

[@inmyownwords9798]

And sometimes we realize that there was no friendship, it was an illusion or a trauma bond. We hung on because of our own abandonment issues. Sometimes...

[@luminouscali]

I have a problem with this advice because it feels wrong to me. If I see someone being abusive to a cashier, I don't want to wait in the car. I don't want to spend time with a disrespectful person even if I enjoy spending time with them. Having to wait in the car to hide from their abuse is not a great enjoyable time.

[@inmyownwords9798]

You have the right not to do so. I agree. I think it's from a perspective of if someone wants to remain friends.

[@emilyanderson9797]

Also,i've had it where the friend tells you the whole story of what happened over and over so you might as well have gone in to the shop with them anyway for all the drama and stress you feel anyway.

[@aubreysnyder338]

Someone I was friends with for 9 years and we were pretty close. Fell out of contact for 3 and 1/2 years. Got back in contact for a handful of months this year. I finally figured out that best friend didn't actually heal from the past so just ended up doing the same cycles. I've gotten tired of the cycles so I stopped them a couple years ago. Also realized how narcissistic this person is. When she was overweight and I was skinnier I feel like I made her look better. Now she's skinnier from eating disorder and I gained weight after getting off drugs. I had to accept that she was basically a female version of the guys I would date. Only care about the outside of the body. Needless to say this person and I aren't in contact anymore.

[@shannonmccann3297]

I wish I watched this video sooner. I am now worried that I cut off some friendships that I deemed to be toxic when I could have possibly set healthy boundaries in a mature, respectful, and mindful ways. I bonded with a friend and we ended up living together for two years. We primarily bonded over our terrible pasts and the way we process the world. It was an incredible friendship that also turned incredibly toxic. Halfway through our 5 year friendship, I learned about trauma and re-evaluated my past. I charged down the healing path and have now been seeing a psychotherapist for 2.5 years. I felt incredibly judged by my friend. She held a lot of resentment toward me regarding past arguments and situations that she'd never spoken up about. I tried really hard to communicate with her about her behaviours that made me uncomfortable, such as road rage or not offering so much as a shoulder when I couldn't walk and needed to go to the hospital. I was consistently met with shock, rage, and the blame game. I spent years trying different ways to communicate, face-to-face, a text, letters, space, etc. I see in this video that this feedback isn't always a good idea, but I've always been transparent about my feelings and struggle to silently set boundaries. I finally ended the friendship and have been grieving the loss. A month later, I entered an intimate relationship with a friend of 3 years just to learn that he only wanted sex. I was transparent from day 1 about my relationship with emotional and physical intimacy - I am a committed relationship person and intimacy is very private (and special) for me. I had a brief conversation with him about it, but then I realized that he was very disrespectful to me, so I also ended that friendship quite abruptly with a letter explaining my decision. I am worried now that my response was a flight response and that these friendship could have been preserved had I worked harder to evaluate the situation and respond instead of react. That being said, I do believe that I outgrew these people and was struggling to see them in my life. I am aware that I still have toxic traits from my past and I have been working on myself every day for years now. I am confused about my choices and my doubts as well as why I doubt myself in the first place. My new (healthier) friends and therapist agreed that I made the right decision to remove them, but I don't want to get into a habit of just cutting people off. This video was really helpful, it appears to be the direction I'd like to move forward in so that I can balance my newer and healthier friendships with my C-PTSD. For context, I am primarily a fawn-reactive person, so I find myself allowing people to disrespect me without seeing their behaviour as harmful, which ends up hurting me self-worth. Thank you. :(

[@starrwolfe6666]

Thank you, Anna, for this. I appreciate the message of loving people where they are and in doing so our triggers lessen. I so needed to hear this today. Many blessings to you and all who gather here. May we heal together in love, peace and joy.

[@juanitamayes6329]

I've been struggling with the "friends issue" for a while now ... Thank You!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it helped! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@micheleheath2253]

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for these videos! I’m so grateful!

[@tucky3191]

Taking your own car is gold advice! (End of video) How do we know which conflicts are important enough to work through/talk about?

[@icysurfer1]

It has helped me to feel like I'm better than the cptsd says, I notice that even some very "successful and powerful" people have emulated me and my holistic lifestyle mostly when I was not there to see it, but I did see it.

[@sillymamacita3854]

This hits HOME!!!! wow, crazy relatable. Thank you so much for this!!! 🙌🏼❤️

[@annieballasteros9159]

Oh my god this is perfect timing. I’m going through this same problem rn and I’ve been struggling really hard with it. Thank you for this!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You got this! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jessicasytsy5555]

Thank you for taking the time to create these videos. You are a beautiful person !

[@lilafeldman8630]

I needed to hear this, thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@purplefireweed]

THANK YOU THANK THANK YOU. Just what I needed in this moment. 🌺

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome

[@margreetgroothedde]

I am so happy you are telling we still can stay friends that are wounded. At school I learned that broken people can t have a relation with each other that has future. It always stuck with me. Because I am wounded as well. I don't want to have that vision with myself as well as others. I love how you say to protect your own energy, have my boundaries. And try to love them as much as they are.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Healing gives us freedom to have the relationships with whoever we want- so liberating! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Delgado-ot4lq]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm thinking that your perspective on us being willing to love the other person as they are (in this case someone in constant flight mode) would not apply in romantic relationships, correct? A romantic partner that keeps leaving and returning? Wouldn't that be considered crap fitting? I ask because some of us may hear something like that and think that it applies to ALL people and types of relationships. Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you for all you do!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

@@Delgado-ot4lq Yes, putting up with abusive behavior is crapfitting! I would never recommend getting into a relationship with someone who flees, for example, and I'm sure you've seen I've made dozens of videos about it. But our lives are populated by people with many kinds of brokenness. If you can accept that they are the way they are, it will help you to make realistic decisions about whether to let them into your life -- not "spackling" over the problems, or imagining the possibility and then trying to drive them to be the person you have in mind. It's important to see them as they are. It is possible to love broken people. With childhood friends you see now and then, there's a little wiggle room because you don't live with them or depend on them for safety and security. Sometimes we struggle to face reality because we don't want to see the problem. Better to face reality and do what you will!

[@Delgado-ot4lq]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for taking the time to clarify. I love the way you explained this to me. It makes sense just needed confirmation. I appreciate you🙏

[@pluffer241]

You're a wonderful help, Anna. ❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you think so! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jennxer]

Thank You for consistently giving me so many brilliant bursts of realization and understanding. You help so much. Thank you for answering your call and using your socially valuable gifts in such a beautiful way.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You are so welcome!

[@scottallencolorado]

Thank you for another amazing video. So helpful.❤

[@rubychurch3466]

My parents died in the past few years, I have moved to a new state and slowly slowly beginning to be friendly with new people. I’m terrified because two lovely ladies have swapped their numbers with me, maybe for a coffe or something. We met at a craft group, and an exercise group. I’m really nervous cos for the very first time in my life, I’m no longer trying to find a deep, good, tell everything friend. I just want nice people to enjoy these social groups with, to perhaps grab a coffee or meet at the big craft store. I don’t think, in my 60’s I want or need the bitchibess that comes with someone knowing too much about you, knowing your damage and hurts. I just wAnt, on the outside anyway to be the fun Ruby, the lighthearted, cheerful Ruby. Meanwhile I’ll keep working on Anna’s tactics. I’ve recently started on the daily writing thing. Best wishes to each and every one of you, may healing be in your future, and thank you Anna.

[@SusanneBreul]

This is brilliant advice!

[@prarthanadurgam8646]

Thanks for talking about this really relevant topic. I appreciate how you are able to create an umbrella of related experiences due to CPTSD. You express a level of detail that really help develop the wisdom we need that I believe is the only true blessing from these experiences. ❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@Lulusoadictaful1]

I enjoy your videos so much, they help me understand my loved ones to suport them and even though I don´t think I have CPTSD I can relate to some things you describe. Also, I want to point out you express yourself so tenderly and compassionately, that it makes me admire you a lot. Thank you for everything you do!

[@Catbooks]

Great and very important topic we can all relate to. I've dropped some friends along the path of healing. Some because I realised they were toxic, some because I couldn't stop or didn't know how to manage becoming triggered and dysregulated when I was in contact with them. There's one right now I'm not sure what to do with. I love her, but she does have substantial CPTSD and out of that her communication to me is always filled with whatever awful things are happening in her life. And I do mean always! I want to be there for her when she's struggling or hurting, but it's like she's afraid to tell me if anything positive is going on in her life for fear she'll jinx it, so she never does that. I want her to be happy, just like she wants me to be. I tell her when things are going well with me, and she's always happy for me, just like I would be if she told me the same about her. In every email (which is how we communicate) I find myself saying "I'm so sorry about X" and "I'm so sorry about Y." It's beginning to feel empty because it happens so often, and is out of balance. I really don't know what to do.

[@lesdyxiatoo]

I had a friend who did the same to me and eventually I had to cut ties. It wasn’t healthy for me. I was starting to notice how my own healing was coming undone. I can’t say what you should do in this situation but maybe try talking about it with her first because I did that with my friend and after he refused to hear me out or respect my boundaries, I called it quits. It sucks but it isn’t okay to be expected to handle that much negativity. I don’t think it’s a problem to vent to friends or family, but when the only conversations happening anymore are purely rants and venting then it isn’t much of a relationship at all. Hope this helps.

[@socialdistancingon8333]

I have a boundary in line with this. I've had to deal with a lot of bi-polar relationships and this type of communication is called an "emotional drive-by". For every negative thing they tell me, they have to tell me one positive thing that's going on in their life, or I will need to talk to the person at another point in time. It either tends to weed out those who just want to dump all their problems at my feet, or it has a positive effect on the story teller.

[@Catbooks]

@@lesdyxiatoo Ugh, I'm sorry he refused to hear you out and respect your boundaries, but yeah, you did the right thing by trying, and calling it quits after you gave him a chance and it was no go. My fear with my friend is if I tell her this, she'll overreact into thinking she can't tell me anything bad that's going on in which she really does need support, and I don't want that. If I'm right she feels saying anything positive, or putting any kind of positive spin on things makes her feel like she's tempting the gods and makes her more vulnerable (even though that's irrational, but real to her - at least that's my sense of what's going on), she'll withdraw because she won't know what else to say to me. I agree with you. Venting is fine, and sometimes really is helpful and necessary. Everyone needs a safe place to vent at times. But when that becomes the majority of the relationship, and you never hear about anything positive (because of course you want to hear that about someone you love!), it becomes too much weight. Thanks for sharing, and for your insight.

[@Catbooks]

@@socialdistancingon8333 Did you make an agreement with your friends about this and they agreed to it? I don't know if my friend is bi-polar or not. I do know she had even worse childhood trauma than I had, but that's all I know. I would LOVE it if she agreed to tell me one positive thing going on in her life for each negative thing. Hell, I'd settle for one positive thing for every two! I really do love this person, and want to work it out, if that's possible. How did you approach the conversation?

[@socialdistancingon8333]

@@Catbooks I would basically just ask for one nice thing every time they mentioned a negative. I've noticed that kind of just asking gently but being straight to the point in asking generally yields good results. When I tend to make a big to do about how they approach me conversationally, they are less likely to oblige, as it brings up insecurities and may make the other person feel bad. You have to weigh the balance between having your own boundaries in place to keep your sanity vs how much you're willing to drown in another's sorrows. Of course, they don't have to provide anything positive. It can't be forced out of anyone. When that happens, I simply cut the conversation short and let them know I need to use the bathroom, or in the case of emails and stuff, make dinner. With long emails, I tend to just encompass all the sorrow in one big show of empathy and say how much everything sucks and then ask if anything positive is going on in their life. That makes the email super short. If it happens often enough, there is the chance that the friend may catch on to their behavior and that it's not holding my attention the way it used too.

[@LarissaSimpson]

Definitely experiencing this right now-it’s so intense and I feel so sad about it!

[@weirdwolf888]

This is my fave video of yours so far as it’s helped me realise that I’m too open/transparent/sharing about the details of why I’m setting a boundary - and THAT is what’s causing a final nail in the coffin. Thank you ❤

[@starttofinishmediaco.2520]

Great letter. Lovely advice Thanks for the video!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@raiderlove5923]

I want to tell you that I really am happy that I found you and your KZbin channel. Since I have been watching your videos with their different topics it has helped me figure out how to look at the childhood I had. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Wow, thank you!

[@raiderlove5923]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You're very welcome.

[@benedettasavitri9644]

A super great video, thanks ❤

[@andrealmoseley6575]

Wish I'd know this previously. Good advice. And hopefully others will respect it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hope so too! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@catherinekittykat]

Great talk, information and explanation, and advice!!! Much Thanks!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad it was helpful!

[@catherinekittykat]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS VIDEO! XO

[@inmyownwords9798]

I had been in the keeping it real frame of mind, telling a person specifically why 🤣 I do prefer the incognito approach and explanation. Makes things so much easier & sometimes you have people who will still push. Remain planted 👌🏽💜 the wrong ones will find fault with all of your methodology; No matter your honesty, politeness, being straightforward & or inclusive.

[@Tascountrygirl]

This is so helpful. I am in my second day of the writing practice. Decades ago I was doing vedic meditation (which I am no longer practicing - I use the meditation you suggested using a made up mantra 'this') At that time I had friends who were in a kind of 12 step group for mental health. They were Christians and believed I was not being Cheistian for doing vedic meditation. However I still persisted quietly in practicing. At some point though their criticism and blaming got to me and I needed to detach. So happy I have found your group.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm glad you found us too! You can do the writing and meditation with a group in Crappy Childhood Fairy land. membership :) www.crappychildhoodfairy.com -Cara@TeamFairy

[@veryimportantperson3657]

I feel weird about the phrasing "I need to do my [xyz thing], *would that be ok*?" I understand that social niceties often dictate that we ask permission or express other sentiments that aren't completely accurate, and that's ok; we don't have to reorganize all our social interaction around our healing needs, but speaking for me personally, I probably wouldn't ask permission to do something like wait in someone's car or meditate. I'd announce my intention and then I'd do it.

[@lizgen4278]

Yes! Clear boundaries! Good fiendships will allow you to act on your simple intentions without judgement or coercion ❤️

[@Bhanoo4UTube]

I tend to agree...I mean what if the friend says it’s NOT OK? 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@veryimportantperson3657]

@@Bhanoo4UTube lol exactly

[@roslyncerro1263]

I wouldn't ask for permission either. Always staying in a hotel solo helps to have required solitude time, too.

[@nancywysemen7196]

nice to get back to you. a bit of a fawn here,nibbling on resentment grass.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

LOL!

[@jimmy-stevenbiemans1486]

I don't really understand why, but I was able to listen to this video, and getting all information I wanted from it, while doing my yoga practice. Whether it is a person or a KZbin video, I often have to overexert myself concentrating on what is said and even then I forget the story, but this is easy to follow and recall even though I was multitasking. Thank you for the video, I was just asking myself this when the almighty algorithm kicked in 🙏🏻☺️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's great! Glad you found the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@lindamcauley4728]

You are amazing 👏 ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for the kind words. Grateful you're here. - Ashley, Team Fairy

[@Bpdbryan]

You keep the “right” friends when you heal. The wrong friends will find fault or problems in your healing. My partner had this recently as he’s been working on himself (including boundaries) and when he called a friend out for gaslighting me when I got a sexually inappropriate comment online, the friend accused ME of being controlling. The friend even admitted to being selfish and wanting my partner to himself.

[@bill8216]

Some people only have Fight, Fight, Fight response

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

True! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@graceypants]

Still feeling so hurt that a CPTSD friend completely vanished on me due to her dysregulation

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

If it was dysregulation it wasn't personal, but I get it still hurts :) -Cara@TeamFairy