Caught in Narcissist's Pendulum: Romantic Jealousy and Sex

The narcissist is incapable of attachment, bonding, and positive emotionality
He is possessive of his women only in two situations:
GRANDIOSITY/UNIQUENESS
1. When he is acquiring a woman and she chooses another man over him for sex only or for more, thus disrupting the process of co-idealization;
UTILITARIAN/INSTRUMENTAL/TRANSACTIONAL
2. When in a shared fantasy and he risks losing the 3 Ss that she provides him with (sex, services, narcissistic or sadistic supply).
Similarly, he is interested in sex only in two situations:
GRANDIOSITY/UNIQUENESS
1. As a somatic "player" in short term conquests (but not in casual sex with promiscuous non-discriminating women and not with the conquered women);
UTILITARIAN/TRANSACTIONAL/INSTRUMENTAL
2. As a cerebral in the lovebombing phase which precedes the shared fantasy (but not later).
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[@destoryer3946]

I love your tongue in cheek self depricating humor and find you attractive, informative and entertaining.

[@katjagorontzy2236]

Hey there Professor ! Glad I just found you on utube! Super interesting stuff for real! I have been with a narcissist for 3 years and from hyper sexuality in the first month starting month 2 there was little to almost no sex lol I asked him what happened and he said that sex was not so important to him lol😂 Could not believe my ears because he spends a lot of time looking at pretty girls online and masturbating , he told me that is easier because he does not need to connect and have a relationship or make any effort … He says he loves me lol I feel like I am loosing my mind, everything is sooo crazy, time to make a decision I guess, a sexless life with a partner who is there but not available is unbearable! I feel narcissists come from another planet and where put in this planet to destroy and confuse all the good people !!

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

I hope you managed to get out because I imagine after 3 years it's unlikely to go anywhere & you've had long enough to work out the reality by now? If someone is not capable of actual physical love & you found out he looks at pictures of other women while self gratifying, do you really think his words match reality when he says he loves you? I've just been through a similar situation with a guy who told me he wanted a commited relationship with me, lovebombed me, then only had sex with me once, then never again, despite seeing the other for 2 years. He blocked me on FB after 4 months with no valid reason, saying he didn't like me writing too much. He still came round sleeping with me, expecting the domestic mother replacement services, food, washing up, laundry, but never contributed a penny. He would give me gifts but they were always broken cast offs, provide me services in a grandiose way, but only once & his efforts were always tokens, never committed. He also told me he didn't feel like sex, he wasn't a robot,but then was hyper aggressive accusing me of betraying him, when I never did. I found out after he'd blocked me, he'd been looking at other women's pictures online on FB clicking love ❤️ when he stopped showing me any affection after he had conquered me, like a tap had turned off. All the women self advertised as witches bad woman style, but when I questioned him, he was just in denial saying he didn't know any witches.. like all the rest of his lies. He would continually flirt with other women even in front of me, & gloat to me he loved women throwing themselves at him, despite the fact he had stopped being affectionate towards me, but still wanted me to be there for him, while still flirting with me & wanting to take me out for romantic meals, & walks but never inviting me to his own home, & not showing me physical affection, not even once despite virtually moving in with me for months. I gave him 2 years, gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had trauma from the past, maybe he was dismissive avoidant. No. He was a contradictory hypocritical mess incapable of love. However much I loved him & grieved for the loss of the person who told me he loved me originally he never came back. It was hard for me to admit to myself, this person I continually felt bonded to, but permanently traumatized by, never loved me & was incapable of love. A trauma bond to someone who doesn't actually love you is not love. That's what I have to keep telling myself. The hope that someone will love you one day when they clearly don't, likewise also is not love. Hope you find the love you deserve one day.

[@Zev4U]

This absolutely described my ex fiancé & the confusing abuse he dished out. The sex mind games were unreal! Thank you for confirming all what I felt was happening to me the past 10 yrs. I was cruelly discarded after being tricked. & financially used. I may lose my home. I’ve moved out temporarily to get away.

[@jetpilot3714]

So sorry I’ve fallen victim to one of these monsters

[@lorettapadgett5132]

I'm so sorry a future faker moved into my house but I made him marry me during the love bombing faze in order to later sue him for divorce. I caught on much earlier then you.

[@arussell2817]

I wish you luck. Listen to Sam until you realize that 1. You are a kind soul 2. You're mind was hijacked 3. The heart heals 4. You WILL find true love. Start with self love & treat yourself as a friend would treat you. Empathy...we win! We have that. They are empty halls of mirrors. Cold. Confusing. No blood flows thru a cold hall. Entities of us. Scary. Good luck, you will heal.

[@tatianapantazopoulou7518]

It shocks me every time the gloomy way you describe the narcissists's world. Im here because of an awesome text you wrote '' The Green Eyed Narcissist - Full of Envy - Envious of People'''. I m hated by a colleague and it saddens me

[@harima36]

Envy and jealousy seem to be key motivators.We cannot take responsibility for others projections upon us. Aren't those impulses based on their own insecurities? We cannot take account for those. Yes it is sad and that feeling of sadness is a facet of our compassion / empathy. We can count ourselves fortunate and human if we have empathy. I find in regard to narcissists we need to protect ourselves and stay away. Send them a prayer from a distance if we want and then move on.

[@Scorpio200]

Yes the narc I was with asked me after 5 months and after a year engagement I found out he had been talking to another woman saying all the same things future faking even about grandchildren.it was sickening

[@user-et1kf7dr8i]

Sam, you answered the questions that have been racking my brain for years now. Thank you.

[@harima36]

agree. Sam is helping me also to understand the eggbeater that I went through 40 years ago and am for the last 6 months of Sam's KZbins finally beginning to heal (if that is possible).

[@dianajane6185]

Excellent, Sam. This explains a lot. Thank you.

[@millicentfullwood2733]

Describe and explained very well…thank you so much!!!

[@jinaneaboujaoude919]

OMG !! so true … 10 years of narcissistic abuse i can relate… Thank you !

[@dianamelendez5464]

Sam once again thank you so much for the clarity the information I cannot thank you enough Abby more grateful for all that you have shared I look forward to every time you present anything on narcissism

[@Liveyourbestlife905]

Wow. That was incredibly enlightening. Thank you.

[@sriyusnita]

This finally make sense! Now I know why the nex was jealous and how he felt when he secured me as his 3S supply.

[@Jeannine241]

The commentary in the intros are always so entertaining. Thoughts on if the narcissist claims that jealousy and feeling inadequate is a turn on?

[@meyagain7475]

I'm back for more, just when I thought I overcame this things just got worse

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

I have a question, is it possible that when a borderline dates another who is even more borderline, he/she acts more like a narcissist and the same borderline while dating a narcissistic person behaves like an actual borderline ?

[@boblee2682]

Please post more interviews

[@zoronqueen]

How about going from one narcissist when he dies to a new partner, with aspergers?

[@SeraphinaNYC]

Brilliant

[@cindylyadon35]

I would love to listen in on the becoming independent

[@ichuze7312]

Good info! Thank you!

[@mujerorquidea8104]

I cheated the narc and punish me 3 years and then left me with no money-no job-no house and started a new relationship with a very much less atractive woman. Before he had a one night stand with an ex. The last one with the ugly woman lasted 8 months. He knows I love him but does not want to come back with me. I in a way also think will never work out again but now that I have all this information of how he is, would love to give it a try and see if he os really a sick mind. Would love an a answer from you Sam. Thank you for all your videos.

[@catherineoshea4268]

Tank you

[@nardosarayayohannes]

Sam Vaknin, Thank you once - again and again - you lebarated me from the disasreruous emotional feelings that went through my head not knowing the disordere. Now my question to your clarification is - I am separeted from the so called narcissist husband and leading my life on my own apartment. He witnessed that I met another man, and he tired to contact me , but in vain. Does this mean mortification? Because ever since then he sends me indirect massage through my grown-up daughter that he feels abundant and in return, he is trying to abandon my daughter as she states the fact. Does mortification keep the narcissist stay away for good ?

[@sheric4481]

Oi vey 😳 thanks Sam 🙏

[@jhoon2345]

Is it possible for me to sign up for any online studies over this subject ? 🤔 psychology

[@kate3264]

Very disturbing

[@anthonyreeves5248]

What happens when the narcissist expressed the rage and then asks you to have no contact are they really not interested and could not care less about me and does not want me to be controlled by her

[@cala65]

So I wonder, what is it that the parents did in early childhood that the child grows up to be a narcissist or are they just born that way? Also if they, the narcissist have a lot of cerebral activity to the point of exhaustion for others could it be a neurological disorder? I just don't understand how narcissism comes about.

[@samvaknin]

Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial - the perpetrators could be parents, teachers, other adults, or peers. Pampering, smothering, spoiling, and "engulfing" the child are also forms of abuse - see these: vaksam.tripod.com/narcissismglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/npdglance.html vaksam.tripod.com/journal42.html web.archive.org/web/20161025014451/metapsychology.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=de&id=419 Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/kA1vtsqWAiI The Genetic Underpinnings of Narcissism vaksam.tripod.com/journal43.html

[@cala65]

@@samvaknin Thank you Prof. Vaknin for your reply. Your videos are truly revealing and provide way more insight and depth than any "professional" I've come across ever. You take your listeners on a journey down the rabbit hole so to speak, where Alice is lost and stuck in the labyrinth of confusion, you tear down the veil. I truly appreciate the provided links that you put in your answer! Fascinating study material.

[@DanielCovington-ft9jc]

Hi what's good

[@samanthaporter6662]

My stepmom is a hateful narcissist who has destroyed my family.....

[@angelicasouza2086]

Professor, if I decide to live the shared fantasy own my own, without the narcissist from whom I’m on no contact hopefully forever, what does that make of me? Is it comum for narcissistic abused people to hold on to the shared fantasy after the end of relationship?

[@jacqielee2744]

To believe that they were in love and kind hearted? I think so.

[@lorettapadgett5132]

@@jacqielee2744 They thought they were in love at first.

[@corymccollett1427]

If someone has been diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder and can themselves recognize some of those traits in himself, do you think it’s possible for them to recover? If it is, what can someone with this problem do to stop being this way?

[@KindWizzard]

And how do you stop being a narcissist? 🥹This pattern of behavior is simply natural

[@Fanny16162]

Brilliant