Chat&Chores - Body Doubling To Get Stuff Done

[@MorbinNecrim86]

Im not sure why some people have lived with me, as they seem to dislike me and have gone out of their way to push my buttons. I keep to myself, try to keep things clean and tidy. I live alone now and I love it.

[@UnvisibleGirl]

For me it's not just men it's everyone, I've been taken advantage of in so many ways in my life so I just asume people have an agenda even if they don't and maintain boundaries these days, heck I often just give people what they want if it's something easy for me to do so that they can show their true colours and bugger off xD. Advice for you thought, I think you have two issues, first is not wanting to invest the time just in case it goes all bad again( and dam do I know that ) but sometimes you have to push yourself past that( easier said than done ) , you can also kinda get a sense for peoples motives when talking to them or by asking them questions etc so you can drop people if they not for you or aline with ya values etc. The second issue I think you have is enforcing boundaries, value yourself more, you deserve friends with no ulterior motives, so if someone does just yeet them and move on. You're going to be ok with the move, you and winter are a team, any issues ya will bop them like you did with the chair and the airline 💪

[@MorbinNecrim86]

I also just assume everyone has an agenda, no one will be nice to me because they like me, it's usually because they want something. I've had friends who went all weird because they think I'm after sex from them, it's unfair for them to assume that but I know what guys are like so I don't blame them.

[@UnvisibleGirl]

@@MorbinNecrim86 I don't really know anything about you but asuming because you're here that you are autistic or neurodivergent so my question to you to ponder on, like sit with it for a while: What is it that people are misinterpreting as wanting sex and how can you communicate your actual intentions clearer next time?

[@thexpax]

I've seen a lot of life. I'd personally not like them to get in any deeper with this guy than they are. He makes a friendly mover, I'd leave it at that and let that be. A pal is someone you bump into once a year, and at Comicon. That's close enough for them right now, I think personally. They need time to pull their pieces back together before getting complicated with a man, I'd say. 🧡

[@AmarisFrede]

Thank you for this. I had it on in the background, because most of what you were talking about was rather depressing for me, so I had to redirect my focus. I'll watch again once I'm more up to it. You seem like such an interesting person, and I hope to some day have a friend like you. 🫂 Please know you are always allowed speak up for yourself and say no. No matter to whom, friend, partner, family. At any time approval or consent can be revoked. And those who do not accept that without repercussions, are not nice people.🌻 I wish you all the best for moving, a lot of strength and good luck on all the logisitcs, and that your new residence will feel like a safe and cozy home. Btw, your clothes look very pretty and comfy. I love the space theme, I'd wear that too! 🪐🌟

[@sejhammer]

Your video made me feel less alone, once again! I also have these kinds of trust issues with men. Sometimes people are not so understanding because it feels like they would expect a super dark reason like an extremely violent past traumatic encounter or something. Yes there have been traumatic situations, situations where I'm not sure whether I consented, situations where I did but because I didn't know what else to do, as you described. And after my autism evaluation process, I came away thinking "I am naive. I have been naive." for the first time in my life, really. I sort of reflected back upon it and realized there were lots of situations where I trusted people and should not have. Now, I am married to my second husband and he helps me a lot. I run things by him and he'll give me his opinion on whether or not I should trust, whether I should respond, whether I should do a taxing social engagement with that person, etc. Sometimes I hear him out and disagree and still go ahead, but I still appreciate that we discussed it together because it let me know some extra insights that help me put up the right kind of guard. I will say, I feel I get perhaps an outsized level of devastation when I invest my time and energy in building a friendship and the person ends up disappointing me. Yes, it's happened most in my life from cis men, but my most recent one was a non-binary person! Hehe, anyone can disappoint. I'm trying to see the positives, though. I tried even though it was challenging for me. I put in a real effort, learned about their interests that don't overlap with mine, even, and at times was vulnerable with them. It's all good practice for the next time I get an opportunity to form a friendship, and perhaps it helped me put the effort in more with my existing relationships that *are* working out. I think the best advice I can say is, when someone propositions you next time, if it wasn't already an idea in your head before they said it, then maybe err on the side of saying "no," then keep an eye on that relationship to make sure they are definitely respecting any boundaries you've put up. Remembering to have boundaries at all is hard for me, though, I get it that this isn't easy. I did have one very important friendship to me as a kid with a cis boy who wanted sexual things with me, and I did decline, and our friendship did continue for a few months after that. I don't know why that one was easier for me to take a "watch it, keep going with the friendship, but do a wait-and-see" type attitude. Eventually though, his feelings toward me probably are what soured the relationship.

[@stephenie44]

Noticed you don’t have any new videos this week, and I just wanted to send you good vibes. I hope your move is going well/I know it’s miserable to have to move again so soon. I wish you all the best and peaceful rest possible.

[@eimanm4676]

Thank you this helped me get through styling my hair, the story about friends who take advantage of autistc females is just so horrible and f**dup, it always either all the way platonic or all the way exploitative, never a middle ground. All the best with your moving ❤

[@LovellLevelsUp]

Hi Dana, love your body doubling videos! In dealing with this dude, if you decide to give the friendship a shot, I would be as clear as possible with him about what you want and don't want from your guys' time together (i.e., that you just want friendship, no sex, and that if his feelings are/turn "romantic", that you would want him to let you know so you can take that information and think alone, on your own time, what you want to do with that information) -- just some examples of what I might say

[@helenaskew4851]

Wishing you the best Dana on your move. Nice to know you are going to be with your best friend. youll be there for each other.

[@Scarygothgirl]

I feel like this is a common experience with autistic women and AFAB folk. I'm not sure if I can express it in words well, but I'll try. It's like, I crave intimacy but I assume no one is interested and I never expect anyone is interested. So when someone says they want to have sex with me, I'm taken by surprise, it's hard to process, and it doesn't really occur to me to say no. I want to be touched, I want to have sex. And it's not until it's over that I process that it wasn't the right person, that I didn't really want it to happen. But I *did* consent, because I said yes. But I didn't process what was happening at the time.

[@laura.bseyoga]

Moving is so stressful! We've just sold our house & now we have to find one to buy somewhere else & we're both burnt out. I hope you're able to hyperfocus with your show 💚

[@Noemi-u2m]

Your 'trust issues' are actually learning to be cautious from experience. It is very valid. Almost every woman and afab person comes to learn this. It's not on you. It's on them.

[@kalasimsy2966]

Maybe tell him what you've told us? Could weird him out, but maybe he will understand? Just tell him that youre not looking for anything romantic and its not about anything hes done, you just prefer to state that clearly, because of your past experiences. Also his reaction might tell you if you want to pursue that friendship?

[@MorbinNecrim86]

Life is so much fun aint it. Im sure the move will go fine. People reckon you shouldmt live with your best friend, but it can go either way, you end up despising each other or you become closer with an unbreakable bond, i hope its the latter for you this time. It sucks having to constantly move and live in undesirable conditions, but heres hoping it works and and you find somewhere more stable and permanent.

[@hawaiianbabyrose]

big life lesson i guess, if you gotta move you gotta move💪 (tautology, works every time 🎃) edit: sry about the sex story though, stuff so hard to navigate

[@youprettywow]

This helps me

[@cefk9944]

I'm not sure, if you'd like my advice/opinion/old age wisdom (if I have any), but I'm gonna offer it to you, anyway .. you make of it, what you will. Disclaimer: I'm a 45yo male in Germany, who you'll most likely never ever gonna meet in person .. thus, I have no reason to lie to you and I actually mean, what I'm gonna say, here. I watch your videos (mostly the ones about specific autism-related topics), because I'm AD(H)D (late diagnosed) and autism (suspected) and find them helpful .. I learned a lot from your videos and stories, so, thanks for sharing :) Here goes: There's always gonna be people, who will lie to others in order to get what they want .. But, that has nothing to do with gender or any other "group" that person is a member of. It's a "human" thing, rather than a "men" thing or whatever. It's about the individuals, themselves .. not about the groups, they happen to be a part of. Group-think is usually deeply based in stereotypical thinking .. and that's almost always wrong, imho (at least, that's been my experience during my lifetime). That doesn't mean, you should be overly trusting .. but, it also doesn't mean, there are only horrible men on this planet. I had a teacher a long time ago, who I like to quote when talking about this sort of thing, because he had put it so nicely, back in the day. He used to say: "Stay away from 100%-statements, because they're false, most of the time." The fun part about this is, that he himself didn't make a 100%-statement, when he said that ("most of the time" isn't the same as "always" .. and that's the point, that makes all the difference .. It's a more complex way to look at things, but it's also much better suited for determining the truth). What I'm trying to tell you, is this: If you cut every person belonging to a specific group (e.g. all males) off, by default, then you're gonna miss out on a lot of great people. Yet, if you blindly trust everyone, you're gonna have a tough time, too, because you're gonna fall victim to the bad ones. Some more practical things, that might help you tell apart a good guy from a bad one: - If someone asks you that question, again, you could reply something like: "Not today, but I'll think about it." That way, you can take the pressure off yourself and give yourself time to think about it .. ask them some more questions, that might need answering (e.g. what their intentions are .. friendship or relationship or just a one-nighter). - If you say, you need time to think about it and they start getting pushy, that's a red flag .. but, if they agree to give you all the time, you need, that's a good sign. - If you're not sure, whether they want a friendship, relationship or just get you into bed, ask them about their intentions. Whenever they make contradictory statements (that's a red flag, too), ask them about that, too .. because it's an indicator, that they might be lying to you. Could also just be a misunderstanding .. but, after asking, you'll have some more data (their reply) to go by. - If you don't trust the person in some way, you probably shouldn't trust them with your body, neither. I hope, this helps you (and whoever read this far, too) .. Sorry for the wall of text, though .. I'm having trouble keeping things short .. especially when it's a somewhat deeper topic, like this one.

[@MappedOut-du8hw]

I have a lot of advice to give you but everytime i try to write it, it goes on forever. The youtuber Of herbs and altars, has done a few videos (similar format to your videos) about navigating men and their experiences with them as an autistic afab. I think they're late 30's early 40's, and i have always felt that its important to listen to older women/non binary afab people when it comes to navigating men. The one on pretty privilege is good, i think they tell themselves what they wish they had known as a younger person about men. I think something i would have told myself in my 20s about men was that you can never be too guarded. It's not that all men are bad, or have bad intentions, but its important to bare in mind where they come from, what society has (quite brutally and in a way that is invisible to many women) taught them will mean they are a winner and what it has taught them will make them a loser. I used to relate a lot to men who were like me, different, couldnt fit in, etc. My immediate reaction was to feel empathy for them, but it was not the empathy in itself that tripped me up, it was assuming that they had the same perspective as i did. Men havent had movements that helped them analyse how society manipulates them the way we have with feminism. Young men in particular often feel crushed under the pressure to prove their manhood, and if they havent felt theyve done that yet, or consistently, then they become more desperate. One of those ways of proving manhood is getting a girlfriend or having sex with a woman, or having a lot of it. Usually consistent access to sex is important to them, and many would take that over one night stands. I think this explains your creepy roomate unfortunately, and is something that happened to Of herbs and altars too, her male friend stopped talking to her after he got a girlfriend... They think that being with a woman will solve all their problems, restore their manhood and make them able to tackle life, and to them this is a powerful notion. Sure we all can believe that having a partner or exciting sex life can heal us, but with men there is the extra pressure of it relating to their entire self worth and sense of manhood. It's a powerful force, so do not underestimate this, especially with men who do not fit the oppressive standards for masculinity, but have not examined it. Luckily that is changing, but i wouldnt count on it right now. Be extra wary of those who use your empathy to get close to you. As women we are encouraged to share our problems, but as i said before men often come from a different perspective. Yes they should be able to share them, but many men will only share them with women, this can cause them to put you in a 'role' and also heighten any attraction they feel towards you, it can also serve as a way to make you more likely to let them closer. Many men do this, especially when they feel they cant get a woman by conventional means. Yes it is just that all peopel should be able to talk about their feelings, difficulties and traumas, men are not excluded in that. However intentions are another ball game. The men i have always felt safer around are those who can express feminine aspects about themselves, and do not feel threatened by femininity in themselves. That is a green flag for me. However i think you need multiple green flags with *anyone*. Think of what makes your relationship with your best friend work, and dont go for anything less. It is easy to feel like you are passing judgement on others when you feel empathy for them, we autistics men and women often have a strong sense of what is just. However there is a difference between judgement and discernment. You are not judging a person if you have noticed something off about them, you are discerning. I hope that helps, just remember this: It is better to reject someone safe who will likely later forget about us, than to let a dangerous person into our lives because we were afraid we would hurt them. Over time you will learn a lot about people, in the meantime if you are very unsure of a person but have no concrete evidence to distrust them, distrust them anyway.

[@radishraven9]

Hi don't worry about being depressing, this video really helped me with my cooking some butternut squash 😊 i seem to mostly befriend gay men because i have a hard time with straight men who seem to not understand (or even get angry at) the fact i am not interested. So yeah i get it. But it seems this guy is nice at least to talk superficially with? You decide in the end 🙂

[@stephenie44]

I’m sorry you went through that with your last roommate. It sucks that one night he felt impulsive and your entire relationship changed, I think it makes a lot of sense that you feel the way you feel about guys, after having those experiences. I’ve decided to really lean into direct communication, because it makes me feel a lot safer. I couldn’t care less if it’s not socially typical. So if I were in your shoes, I would be really upfront with the guy that helped you move/found you on instagram. Something like: “You seem like a cool person and I’d love to be friends. I just want to be clear that I’m not looking to start a relationship.” You could even go so far as to explain, “I’ve thought I’d built friendships with guys before, and it turned out they were just trying to sleep with me. If that’s all you’re looking for, it’s not gonna happen, man. I’d rather not waste each other’s time. But genuinely, if you want to swap VHS tapes or have movie nights where we actually watch a movie or talk about Dr. Who, I’m here for it.” If that doesn’t scare him off, great! You know he’s capable of being straight forward with you. And if it does scare him off, good riddance, that’s a him-problem.