Getting Called Out: How to Apologize

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This video was partially inspired by the "How to deal with getting called out" which was recently floating around Tumblr
blog.franchesca.net/post/58330...
Thank you Caroline for creating English & French captions for this video!
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[@chescaleigh]

Ya know,@Pand Coac, if you're going to accuse me of using a Romani slur, the least you could do is enable the ability to respond to your comment. Yes, EIGHT YEARS ago I used the word "gyp**ed" in a video and once it was brought to my attention that it was a slur, I annotated the video with an apology and apologized in the description box. Here's a screen shot for anyone who's interested i.imgur.com/6fxLhnZ.png Since it was brought to my attention I've NEVER used that word online or off. I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. I'm human and have to work to unlearn problematic things just like everyone else. If you'd like to call me out publicly, the least I ask is that you give me the opportunity to respond publicly. 

[@dirtymudkip]

***** Hey I'm calling you out, Beanbreath! Don't call people moron!

[@dirtymudkip]

Ok here. Why does the dumb lady make you happy?

[@dirtymudkip]

It's not the same reason. These are two completely different things. I'm really trying to reason with you so please try to speak logically. First off, there is such a thing as dumb people. Some people are smarter than others, and some are just completely ignorant. Second, intelligence should always be a factor in judging someone, how could you even say otherwise without cracking up. I really would like to know why you enjoy watching this woman's videos.

[@dirtymudkip]

Okay. Dude. I asked you to be reasonable but apparently I have to explain this like i'm explaining to a fucking kindergardener. I'm highly convinced you're a troll but I just have to keep going cause this is slightly amusing. First of all... again. You didn't answer my question. I asked you why you enjoyed watching this NEGATIVE impact on society, and you say, "people shouldn't be judged upon their knowledge because I know about beans and you know about computers." I can't believe i'm about to use such a simplistic analogy but here I go: If you were applying for a job.. (following?) .. that needed knowledge of nutrition and what not... they would probably.. hire you.. instead.. of. me.. ok? get it? i'm not saying it's bad to be loving and compassionate and caring. Those are all incredibly wonderful things... but jesus fucking christ.. if you can't admit that knowledge is an important factor in knowing who you're talking to, if you want to talk to them, and if you want them to work for you in society, then you are too far gone and I can't convince you of anything. Please try to answer my initial question in detail this time.

[@dirtymudkip]

Okay yea you're a troll.

[@bouncyshak]

I used F (homophobic slur) word with my gay friend because lots of my gay friends use it and were happy for me to use it around them. He took me to one side after a couple of weeks of this and asked me to stop and told me he was offended. I did the whole "but my friends" thing at first but he just remained calm and told me it wasn't ok. I never used the word again, to this day. A friend of mine did something similar with the N word. I told him in the same way and he just ended up using it MORE. We're not close anymore as a result. Some people are more willing to accept when they're wrong than others. Other people are obsessed with being "un-PC" and they don't realise "PC gone mad" is just another way of saying they discount the feelings of others and choose not to be decent, willing to grow and respectful. It alienates people around them in the long run.

[@bouncyshak]

+nicolebmoviesFTW2 Why are you here? I don't think this video is for you lol.

[@bouncyshak]

+nicolebmoviesFTW2 Yup, thought so... :)

[@nicolebmoviesFTW2]

:)

[@QuikVidGuy]

nicolebmoviesFTW2 haha okay buddy

[@tenhauser]

+bouncyshak This video is for everybody!

[@lovelyperson9]

One of the greatest pieces of advice I try to remind myself of when I'm in the middle of an argument is: Let go of your pride. The only goal when debating a family member, a friend, or a loved one is to hear out one another, and to internalize how the other feels about a situation. There is no "I win" or "I lose"...that just makes you selfish and unlikable.

[@CJGatsby]

When I was about 13 I was on a FB group with some friends, and I made a remark where I called someone a tranny. I barely even knew what the word meant, and I was being a dumbshit. Luckily, an older person in the group was kind enough to send me a private message explaining why that was wrong of me. I apologized with something along the lines of "I'm sorry I did that, I didn't know and I won't do it again." and I also asked some questions, and he ended up teaching me a lot about the trans* community, which eventually led to me realizing that I was genderqueer. You learn things about yourself when you get educated

[@Imsuperholy]

what

[@Snipezzes]

bro got brain washed.

[@cmc5394oparva]

LOL, you literally got groomed. 🤣

[@lolipopscandy62]

If only more people were like you...

[@ajhebb]

I had to get hit with the truth yesterday over a year of doing and saying things that hurt my friends and made me not myself. I write movie reviews on Letterboxd, and my friends found one I wrote for Django Unchained. In that review, I glorified Leo’s performance and how I thought the story was an accurate portrayal of history. My friends called me and told me the truth about how reviews like this offended them and others. I listened to each of them with tears streaming down my face. I’m autistic, so I would say how I can’t process all of this at once, not realizing I’m using my disability as an excuse. I apologized in sobs, but they immediately taught me what I need to start doing when this happens. They said things that were said in this video. Starting today, I’m learning what I can to be supportive of marginalized groups and accepting the fear of messing up again. Thank you for posting this video.

[@kujmous]

I was taught that "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are different. For instance, when a friend loses a loved one, I tell them I am sorry, because there is nothing I can do. When it is something for which I am responsible, I apologize. You're also very right that the follow-up is very much a part of the apology -- that commitment to improving yourself.

[@outsideaglass]

I recently had my ex boyfriend "apologize" to me about the reasons we broke up, and I really wish he'd watched something like this. His apology basically consisted of everything you just said NOT to do, and rather than soften the problem, his apology simply made me angrier. Gah. I'll favorite this and rewatch it next time I need to apologize. Thanks to Hank Green for sending me here!

[@littlepinkskeleton]

I wish a lot of people who get called out on racism would see this. Being defensive and using excuses makes it worse.

[@chescaleigh]

"I encourage you to get on my level and see past your false world."

[@ene4731]

I once reblogged something on tumblr that fetishized bullying. I didn't know that was a thing at the time and thought it was cute because it was a comic about a bully and a nerd who turned out to be soul mates. After a few minutes of me reposting that, a friend who I look up to made a post saying how disgusting and uncomfortable that comic made her. I quickly deleted the post. After a little while, she made another post saying how she was bullied and would never want to end up being soul mates with her bully and how disgusting and horrible it is to romanticize bullying. After gathering up my courage, I apologized to her saying how sorry I was and that I didn't understand that it was problematic and that I was glad she could educate me on the problem. It's been a while since that happened but we're still friends and I'm very grateful that she called me out on it because if she hadn't, I'd most likely still be uneducated on the issue or treating bullying like something 'cute' or 'romantic'.

[@Jpanda16]

Is also worth noting when NOT to apologize. I've done and said things people didn't like and when using these steps to apologize i realized "im actually not sorry, i stand by what i said and I'm glad it hurt you" this is important because if you're being abused/ you say sorry too much it can help you build self esteem.

[@IQzminus2]

I once called someone out, and they responded the right way. He didn't become defence at all. And it's one of the best conversations I've ever had. It doesn't happen often I admit that, but when it does it's magical. It's all about respecting and trying to understand where ppl ideas come from.

[@thespookylass]

I'd say another point to add to making your apology better is to ask the person to call you out again if you do it again! Like "oh man, I'm sorry I did that, I won't do it again, and if I ever do, tell me!" something like that :) that helped me today when I had to apologise for being offensive when I self-diagnosed myself with having a phobia I haven't been confirmed to have. The issue was resolved basically immediately!

[@xlightknightx]

I appreciate this video. Thank you. I also love that you included the outtakes, that really shows how real you are, and that these videos don’t just come super easy and smooth to creators.

[@George_Hamilton]

I love how you feel comfortable showing your outtakes to viewers xD Shows that you can laugh at yourself and want to share it with others. Very admirable.

[@alfonsopadilla3626]

Thanks for posting this! It really makes apologizing simple and relatable. I especially liked that you put yourself out there and gave an example of a mistake you made. I felt like it really made getting called out is something that happens to everyone, which it does. It also HAS to happen to make the world better so yes. Thank you so much. :)

[@HanyH]

Dang, you recorded this in 2013. Which wasn't a time of woke-ness yet. You were very much ahead of your time. Great job with this!

[@GuruishMike]

I bet she got a loooot of hate messages.

[@blessingashanti7039]

I'm sayiiiiinnnggg! She needs more attention period.

[@adrian_hook]

There were actually a lot of people talking about this stuff in 2013 and earlier. We were just told that we were over-reacting or being too sensitive. We were told that we were the ones creating the issues and that “political correctness” was ruining society. We were made to feel like we were crazy for speaking out about the injustice that seemed so obvious to us 😬

[@Kellmachine]

I used to get a little defensive when I read articles on racism and cultural appropriation because I took it so personally (not ALL white people blah blah blah) But then I realized that these issues aren't about me specifically (not that I'm perfect and never have offended anyone) but society as a whole. It's important to listen and to learn from mistakes. Try to figure out why your comment may be taken as offensive without making it all about you.

[@ArianaSarahaFlightBehavior]

Amen sister!

[@hannahremmel9550]

You have no idea how important it is to me that you said "ableism." That's something people forget about a ton. I'm both gay and epileptic. My seizures are controlled (I'm 28 and it's been 15 years) but I constantly watch my favorite youtubers use seizures/epilepsy as a joke. So thank you, thank you, thank you. This is an awesome video.

[@krimzonvillain]

I'm naturally a pretty prideful person and I spent a lot of my childhood being a shit about apologizing. Once I started being more interested in the inner lives of other people (I guess when I developed a frontal lobe?) I began sincerely apologizing for my mistakes. Making that connection with another person's psyche and truly understanding their needs is one of the most powerful, mind expanding moments in life. Not to mention how freeing it is to remove tension from your life (even if you didn't know it was there) by making yourself more open and aware.

[@0ClaudioPin0]

Dear Chesca, You probably won't read this, but I'd like to thank you sincerely for making me see things more clearly. The things you said weren't new for me, but you displayed it in such clear way, I even got to understand my stance better. I wish we had one Chesca for every 10,000 people in the world, our future would be much better. Kisses from Brazil.

[@chescaleigh]

you're most welcome! thanks for watching and being open to hearing another view!

[@chescaleigh]

aw thanks love! i'm happy to share my experiences with you all and hopefully encourage others to examine themselves and admit when they need to apologize. thanks for being part of my journey!

[@emilymiller7529]

I'm studying abroad at a really amazing university and tonight, our Feminist Society is having an event about calling people out, how to call people out, and what to do if you're called out, and I'm REALLY hoping to show this to people because it definitely addresses those problems. This video is such an awesome and informative resource so thank you for making it!

[@StevieCio14]

Thank you so much! I was mean to one of my close friends and talked behind their back. I couldn't bare them. But after I recently began friends with then again I realized how mean I really was. I didn't know what to do but I knew I needed to apologize. I immediately came here. What a great video that saved my great relationship with such a great friend. Thank you! 😊

[@beishtkione24]

When are you going to apologize for Booty Jam?

[@brianistdead1]

Very well spoken and down to Earth. Beautiful. People have told me that they find apologizing to be the hardest thing to do. Maybe it has to do with how you are raised, with or without humility, respect, etc., but the idea that people are too big-headed to know when they need to apologize is incredible to this KZbinr. Let go of some guilt, be honest with yourself, and avoid ruining a friendship over pride.

[@markcolfer-henderson2722]

This really hit me in the chest so to speak. I've been called out, and done the things you mentioned. I won't lie it took me a while to realise I was doing this, wasn't until I saw a video of myself signing away that I did this! I've improved (Fingers crossed), and I now no longer make hearist remarks, or speak/sign it. So yes this hit me, and I hope in time I scrub away this rather negative part of myself.

[@ladyVenaglia]

This is going to sound silly to a lot of people but when I was a kid I didn't realize that the n-word carried so much historical trama and was a word that I should never use. One day I used the word jokingly with a black friend who had previously said that it would be okay for me to use that word in conversation with him. But a classmate of mine over heard and called me out. I had no idea what to do and her emotions where so intense in that moment that I didn't say a word I just walked away. I felt bad about this for YEARS and the more I educated myself on black culture and race issues the more I realized that I probably really hurt her when she heard me casually using the n-word. I ended up finding her on Facebook and apologizing. I didn't tell her why I was apologizing though because just doing a simple apology was so scary. I should have explained but she didn't even remember that I had ever done anything against her and told me that she remembered me being a nice kid. I was so relieved that I hadn't done any lasting harm and that she wasn't carrying that incident around in her memory. If I ever see her again I'll tell her the actual reason behind the apology but for now I'm just glad that I faced a memory that was causing me pain and turn it into a memory of doing the right thing.

[@felicityartemis8621]

One more thing. When something I've done or said is seen as 'wrong' or out of alignment, and I feel confused by that person's reactions or perceptions, and the new information they are sharing with me, I might also say: "Thank you for telling me how that effected you. It was not my intention to hurt you. I need to sit with it and digest what you've told me because I feel confused." And then I have space to absorb the new information and "make medicine" i.e., turn it into new wisdom and learning. Then I get back to my friend and we go from there.

[@pczukor]

@chescaleigh You are wise beyond your years. An important topic, clearly explained, with good examples. Took a lot of guts to use yourself as an example of someone being called out, where your intent wasn't evil but the hurt was real, and then the actions you took in consequence. Five stars, really well done. Am going to subscribe to your channel to see what else you are up to (or have been up to).

[@Sankines]

The day I realized that making a rape joke is one of the ways we encourage rape culture. I was at a party with a friend and we were taking selfies, making funny faces and all that. Then I said "I'mma make a rape face" Sigh. I know. It still haunts me til this day. As soon as it left my mouth I was appalled. Sadly, my friend did not call me out on it (I'm kinda intimidating I guess lol) BUT he looked at me weird and I got his point. What makes this worse (to me anyway) is that I'm a woman so I shoulda known better when it comes to rape culture but I do now (not that men should know less). I know now that that word should never be used in a joke and that the mention of it should only be in grave situations.

[@user-oi6gr8xw9h]

What the heck is a rape face?

[@user-oi6gr8xw9h]

Oisb2Skeptik99 They don't take male rape victims seriously.

[@YouLikeKrabbyPattiesDontYou]

it's not about "common sense" and knowing "rape jokes are jokes" - it's a reminder trauma you've experienced with the bonus of someone using your pain as a punchline. "some victims" don't speak for all people. and rape jokes help normalise the idea as being no big deal. also, actual rapists who hear them feel validated in their actions - if you can joke about it, it can't be so bad, right?

[@SomeRedDame]

Story time of when I fucked up? H'okay, here goes Once when I was driving, I was late and stressed out-- and getting onto the freeway is always my least favorite part, because I swear you're almost always at the mercy of ongoing traffic, and it feels like no matter how soon you have your turn signal on, no one wants to let you in (even if there's limited road ahead of you) so it creates this big rush of panic to just muscle your way into the lane before the road runs out-- ANYWAY. Most onramps merge into a pre-existing lane, and this is what I was bracing myself for-- LA traffic, NO ONE was giving me space, car after car, I kept glancing over my shoulder, am I clear yet? No. Is it safe to merge, NOPE, that one was in my blindspot-- OH god, breathe-- oh man, oh man-- I'm almost out of road, I can FEEL it-- LET ME IN, COME ON-- Finally I manage to force my way into the lane and let out a massive sigh, I made it-- but looking in my rearview mirror the people behind me are clearly upset, like REALLY upset-- I-- what!! Wh-what do you want from me?! I HAD TO MERGE-- GIMME A BREAK!? I felt bad for merging at first, but you guys are being assholes and wouldn't even let me IN, COME ON, I mean look I was running out of... road.. I finally look again, and then realize the onramp I used to get onto the freeway was the opposite side of the road of the ramp I normally use to get onto the freeway (that one is a spiral onramp, which are much more stressful)-- but THIS side's freeway onramp... started it's OWN lane until the next exit. I never NEEDED to frantically merge into that lane. ....Shit. I'M the asshole. I realize this and the guilt just hits me right in the chest-- I. fucked. up.. and I even got mad at THEM for being mad at ME. I felt like such a jackass. As I drove on, I continued to see their car ahead, they'd since pulled into one of the other 4 lanes and were maintaining a small distance ahead... maaaan... I remember the way they looked... Just remembering makes me shrivel in my seat like a bad puppy... I felt like shit. So for a few miles (it's a long drive and they're headed the same way) I just keep watching their car, ashamed of myself and keeping back, not wanting to face them, but just agonizing over what a jerk I was. Eventually, I just can't take it anymore, I gotta do *something*. My friend is in the car and I ask him to grab my sketchbook from the back seat and get out a blank sheet for me, and I dictate to him a big apology note in sharpie while I sped up enough to eventually catch up to them... I get in the adjacent lane and super briefly and lightly tap my horn to get their attention and hold the sign up, simultaneously mouthing "Hii...? Nnh-- I'm so sorry, I messed up. Please forgive me!" At first when they just saw my face and recognized me, they were pissed but in an instant they saw the message and they were surprised. And then, the tension just melted away; the people in the car understood, giving me some nods of approval and waved, even smiled and said thanks. The fact I was able to apologize meant the most to me. Up until that moment, after I had realized my mistake, I wanted nothing more than to say sorry but was just terrified that they were so pissed and it was too late.. Luckily for me, it wasn't and I was able to make amends.

[@ladyVenaglia]

This is great!

[@chescaleigh]

I could hug you for this! yes, this was a perfect example! thank you for being willing to learn and mature enough to apologize

[@camilla2a333]

I am still I little kid and did something wrong and I wanna apologize for it:)

[@kath7522]

Ah gosh, I don't think I've ever seen a video like this before- which is definitely a good thing, and your hair looks so amazing!

[@markdalyre]

Nearly a year later, this is still one of the most important videos I've ever watched.

[@neilcic]

Oppression has a huge emotional and psychological component. If oppressed people insist that jokes create an environment that's emotionally and psychologically oppressive for them, what are we supposed to do to prove that? Make them take a lie detector test? How about we just take their word about their own experiences, for once?

[@SymphonicMotion]

The thing about being Called Out is that most people who do it, do it in a very aggressive and insulting way and it's really hard not to get defensive about it o because the people being called out indeed have no idea that they were in the wrong and why. I've been in both positions of aggressively Calling Out and being aggressively Called Out; it's not a good experience and it usually only leads to the receiving party just turning away, ending the conversation or just blocking and that is counterproductive. I think this video needs a part 2 on How to Call somebody Out because in the end, Calling Out should be an informative and educational experience, not just an exchange of insults.

[@danicatempleton6745]

+SymphonicMotion I agree. I also feel like a lot of people doing the calling out don't take the time to read the situation and come up with an explanation that is easy for the person being called out to digest and make a meaningful impact on how they think about something. Like I've explained microaggressions to a massive anti-SJW by avoiding big scary SJW words and trying really hard to find parts of their argument that I agree with.

[@SymphonicMotion]

Danica Templeton Indeed, but there are people who just outright attack with whatever language is at their disposition. I remember one of the first times I was called out. It was awful and the worst part is that it left me with a strong, negative impression of the entire group, not just the person who called me out. Thankfully, I've grown out of it but it made me realise how dangerous and counterproductive it is when you call someone out in the wrong way because in the eyes of the receiver, you're representing the whole community and if you do it wrong, not only you're not helping your community in the least but you also end up hurting someone else's feelings.

[@danicatempleton6745]

***** Oh yes, of course! I'm just detailing another way that people do a poor job of calling out.

[@burger_kinghorn]

That is why intent does matter. Impact deserves more weight but it's not the only thing to consider. Too often I see an offended party lash out viciously as if the offender made some grave sin willfully and with the full weight of all intention. It winds up as a disproportionate response and the offender gets defensive so much that no reconciliation can occur.

[@jessaymack]

Such a positive video. It's refreshing to see someone who honestly wants to be welcoming to people and doesn't get defensive when called out. Once you get over that hurdle that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you're willing to put in the work to make sure you never make that mistake again, it's hard to remember the time where it was more important to defend your own ignorance than to defend others.

[@josiahshelton3148]

thanks for posting this :) i had to keep rewinding cause i got distracted by how beautiful your hair is!!

[@RikkiBower]

I am biracial and I sometimes the impact of using my passing privilege sucks. Recently, I had a fellow colleague who wanted to identify using their middle name. This person is (I do not know how they identify racially) black. I asked in front of everyone if the reason they decided to use their middle name rather than their first name was because of experiencing racism in our community. Later, I found out that they were offended by how I asked and how blatantly insensitive I was, in so many contexts. I also realized how racist, how culturally incompetent, and how intrusive my actions were. I apologized for my actions and now more than ever, I am trying really hard to identify the intent and impact of my actions so that I can make sure that I check my privilege before saying fucked up things so others do not have to endure the impact. This video rocks.

[@camelopardalis84]

I just have to say that: In the past 10+ years I had much contact with people who work as or are certified - social workers - social pedagogues - people who integrate "clients" with mental, social, psychological disabilities (there seems to be no english job title). Such people are the only ones that I hear say things like "I'm sorry that you were offended." It is possible that they are trying to say that they acknowledge your being hurt (or that for some reason they are trained to say such a thing to make someone they've hurt feel heard) but to me (and many others) it just sounds like "I feel sorry for you because you feel bad after I called you dumb (or fat or annoying or messy or boring or ugly or whatever) but you just FEEL hurt. I did not hurt you. You ARE not hurt. You FEEL hurt because of something that has to do with you personally or maybe with something someone else did to you in your past but in no way with me or what I just said. Me calling you dumb (or fat or annoying or messy or boring or ugly or whatever) did not cause your bad feeling. You did." But seriously, what is most probably the only indicator that you indeed hurt someone? This person FEELS hurt. Hurt that is felt is actual hurt. Shoe salesmen, dentists, economists, novelists, painters, bakers, even teachers or nurses, know that feeling hurt means being hurt. But people from social areas (apart from education and medicine or nursing) don't know. Such sad irony.

[@kalpic11]

This is so relevant and I'm glad you were down to earth with us about your problematic side because I can totally relate. Just- good job.

[@22noash]

thank you for this video!!! also, i really really like your hair in this video

[@suzbone]

One I've learned: If someone is hurt over something that you said or did but you think they're making a mountain over a molehill, don't argue about it or try to "help" them see your perspective on the matter. Say, "Hey wow, I had no idea that would hurt/upset/anger/scare/embarrass you like that... honestly, I had no idea. If I had known I would have never done it. I'm so sorry! Now I know better, and you can count on that never happening again." AND REALLY MEAN IT. If you care about someone, you SHOULD be able to really mean those words. Plus, it's pretty much the fastest way to help someone see the mountain they made as the molehill it really is... and if it turns out their issue really isn't a molehill after all, then you've gained important insight about them and helped deepen your bond with them. The ability to apologize quickly and sincerely for an unintentional hurt is something people should master well before adulthood.

[@Deathclaw12]

This is a very informative video. Also I like your hair

[@sheilapaca]

Thank you SOO much for making this wise, informative, thoughtful and extremely helpful video! EVERYONE needs to see this. The words “thank you” actually minimize the degree to which I feel grateful.

[@genawade882]

This is very, very good. It doesn't pertain to only being called out for bad behavior against groups: it is entirely applicable to apologies in intimate relationships as well. Thank you for this. I am a good deal older than you are, chescaleigh, and I am both deeply impressed by your articulate clarity at your age and grateful that young people of your intellect are out in the world, making it better. I will be relying on your generation to help me when I am an old woman, and you give me great hope!

[@RubberJunk1]

Don’t apologise just to appease people, everyone makes mistakes and has the right to learn and grow and move on with their lives. People should have more compassion.

[@shanecamastro2008]

You are my favourite person on youtube. Thanks for existing.

[@socagoddess96]

I wish more people could see this. Why is it so scary for people to admit they are wrong and apologize? I love that you share your own experience because you are showing people that it's really not so bad. Nobody's perfect. Just say sorry when you're in the wrong and mean it!

[@flj7]

Many years ago, I said something that upset someone I didn't know very well. After it happened, she took me aside and told me that what I said had upset her. I didn't understand exactly why she was upset, so I have to give her credit for explaining when I asked her to. I'd said something that was ignorant and frankly pretty rude, and I didn't even know it until she told me. My intentions (I was "just" making a joke) didn't matter, because what I said wasn't okay. So I apologized, promised to change my behavior (never make the joke or similar ones again), and ended up making a great friend!

[@gentlemansfury]

BOOTY JAMMMMM!!!!

[@andiekpop]

Thank you so much for this video. I made a mistake (not racism or any of those mentioned) but the tips helped me out just the same. I seriously owe you so much. thank you for this video. it is PERFECT.

[@zacharybohlman4069]

Thank you for the physical and emotional effort you put into this, I found it very helpful and informative.

[@kristinschrader9398]

I love these videos. As painful as it is to be called out, it builds strength. The cool thing I’ve experienced is getting quicker to catch myself and LEARN. The last time I was called out, it was so brief because I actually HEARD myself and could imagine the impact, had I said the ableist, ignorant, hurtful b.s. in front of a segment of people who would have felt that IMPACT. What amazes me is how deeply ingrained thoughtlessness can be in me. The more I learn, the less it amazes me...

[@Lori_P89]

Everybody I know needs to watch this!

[@tangentialize]

Great video, some fantastic tips here people need to take on board. I'd also be interested to hear a how-to on identifying and dealing with people who really are just being overly-sensitive/threatened.

[@shiramay1547]

This video is awesome! I'm a communications professor and I'm planning to show this video in my class. Keep doing what you're doing, and thank you for making the world a better place!

[@chescaleigh]

wonderful! thanks for sharing my work and for the great work you're doing as well!

[@CorbiniteVids]

The best thing about this is that you actually had the intent of getting your point across to people who already disagree. Too often people on KZbin or tumblr will talk about things like this, but only in a way that people who already agree with them can relate to, so it doesn't really get any traction.

[@TheNjsb]

BOOTY JAM!!

[@oBUNo]

I haven't been called out for anything but I've noticed how horrible some of the things I've said and done were. I no longer use the word f****t after hearing my grandfathers rants about my cousin being a lesbian. I am no longer insensitive to Asians and how harmful it is to lump them into the Chinese/Japanese/Korean mold. (I take back my first statement. I called one of my friends Mexican but she's actually El Salvadoran. I was ignorant to how diverse the Latin culture was.) Now I'm trying to abstain from rape jokes, a habit I picked up in the gaming community. When I was younger I though everyone was being sensitive but then I realized that the same things that hurt me as a Black person will hurt other victims, ethnic groups, races, and the like. It's just a learning experience and it helps in the long run. it's totally possible to speak to another person without being offensive. It's easy too! Doing so will make you plenty of friends. A friend of mind expressed their want to be gender ambiguous so I now refer to them as their new name and not their old, mis-gendered name.

[@riversongsmelody]

I've done a lot of stupid things that required a proper apology and I'm afraid to say that I used to do A LOT of thing that you said NOT to do. This was an extremely helpful video!

[@yuumeko]

Great video. The ability to sincerely apologize and acknowledge your faults to me is a sign of a mature, open-minded person. I've apologized to my dad a couple of times where I hurt his feelings in ways that seemed small to me but really got to him. I said and thought all the no-nos, but later realized it wasn't about what was what I thought was right or wrong, it was simply that I hurt someone I love. Big life lesson there for me.

[@grausammesser]

This seems to imply that there is a direct line from getting 'called out' to apologizing. There is an important step of actually discussing the incident with the other person. It feels that it is taken as read that if you are called out you are in the wrong - full stop. I think this simplifies the interactions between people. The offended party has just as much obligation to try and understand where the other party is coming from (what might make a good companion piece with this is a 'how to call out' video). No one person speaks for an entire marginalized group, and often individuals will disagree on what is offensive. In particular, there was a friend who had undergone a change in identifying as male to a female, and prefered that people used the pronoun 'he' when talking about their past identity, and 'she' when talking about their current one. A third party said that this was hugely offensive when people would follow this friend's wishes. I felt (and still do) that I have the obligation to understand why this third party felt offended, but at the same time they had an obligation to understand that it was the original friend's choice on how *they* wanted to be referred as (and to me that trumps someone's claim that their choice was offensive).

[@kacheekyy]

I apologize for nearly everything, even if it doesn't need an apology. But if I really screw up, I could write an essay on how sorry I am and I still wouldn't feel like I've done enough.

[@tomireland4740]

This is a fantastic video, I'm going to save a copy both to share and frankly to re-watch myself when future me gets defensive rather than listening. Thanks for producing such positive and constructive stuff and sharing it.

[@mytrait]

this is the first video i've seen of you and i was certain I'll like it before i started watching it as i saw what topics you talk about. I am very glad i now have a place i can come back to and get educated about daily life issues. I am aware of a lot of things, what my problem is, is that whenever I tried to explain my point of view to people who do not deal with problems like these in their freetime, i get called out for being 'too sensitive' and overthinking everything, making problems out of things which are not actual problems. Now i've found a source on which i can inform myself and be sure that I can use the information to form my sentences/arguments in a way in which they will hopefully understand that they are being offensive. I'm looking forward to watching your videos i the future! x

[@baileerock]

thank you so much for making this video. it's super well done and very to the point. you asked for shared experiences of being called out and how folks apologized. a little over a year ago i (a white lady) was doing some organizing for a take back the night march with some poc friends. i was jazzed up and excited about the project that we were working on, so much so that i interrupted a woman of color a few times in discussion. it was brought to my attention a few days later by, not the person i offended, but another co-organizer. we talked about white supremacy and how it manifests itself in different ways. i was being called out on my whiteness (not for being white, but exhibiting white supremacy) and initially i didnt understand and reacted defensively. i thought my behavior was just me being excited, not my whiteness. i had a looooong conversation with the person who brought it to my attention about race, and the idea of white supremacy. i was upset that the person that i offended wasnt able to bring it to me herself, and we talked about why she didnt feel comfortable coming to me with it. but then it clicked and i saw myself for the first time, and the great lack of racial analysis that i was displaying by behaving in such a manner. i immediately apologized not only to the lady i offended, but to all the other poc folk in the room that evening for acting the way i did. i didnt make the apology about my feelings and emotions toward being called out, and i didnt apologize profusely. i simply said i was sorry and that i would be more aware of myself in the future. it shook up my entire world and made me super aware of my, and other white folks actions around poc folk. i'm very happy that i was called out for this behavior because i feel that it's made me a better person. again, thanks for posting!!

[@chescaleigh]

wow. thank you for being courageous enough to share this story AND for being open to checking your own privilege and working to be a good ally. this is SO HUGE and says so very much about your character. if i could hug you, i would! thank you again!

[@aramacao5179]

I asked some really gross and thick questions of an asexual role model (at the time) of mine. They responded with due anger and frustration. I didn't know how to apologize at the time, and I did basically all the things you say not to do: I fell over myself trying to explain and justify my actions, rather than taking responsibility and listening to their words. They did say some things to me that I think were unfairly personal (attacked the legitimacy of my own asexual identity, which at the time was a major insecurity of mine). But that doesn't change what I did.

[@gabrielacarvalho2226]

Hey! I'm brasilian and this was the first video of yours that I've watched. Well, thank you to change my mind for better. Thank you for everything you've done to me. I really apreciate you for all that ideas and videos that you make. Keep talking to us!

[@Eremis77]

I've called people out on the non-apology "I'm sorry if you were offended" many times, while at the same time making most of the other mistakes repeatedly. ("You're too damn sensitive" is a big one I need to stop using with certain people.) Thank you for calling me out indirectly on this stuff. I'll work on it too!

[@ReadingRhinoPress]

Thank you so much for making these videos, we really need this in the world and you are taking steps to better it. I know how to say some things in mandarin and when I worked at a shoe store I would sometimes say little things in mandarin to Chinese customers and they would genuinely love it and laugh at my attempt haha, it was a good time. But this one time, I spoke mandarin to a korean lady and I could tell she was offended when she was like "I'm Korean." I felt SO bad because, my ethnicity is Indian, and I regularly get mistaken for being middle eastern and Muslim (I'm an atheist from Canada), SOOO I wish that lady would have called me out, I definitely learned from that!

[@jorgegalan6390]

Hi I am native spanish I would like to practice english I can help with spanish. George

[@hoimerquispetapia5085]

so i am native spanish i would like to practice my english I can help with spanish

[@samanthak.3165]

As an artist who draws anime things, I got used to using the word 'trap' to describe a boy who looks like a girl. Years ago I used it all the time without thinking... Until one day someone messaged me about it and told me how unkind it was to trans people, to imply that a trans woman was 'trapping' anybody. I realized how insensitive I've been, apologized, and never used the term again.

[@rubymimosa]

Beautiful video and you put into words something I was never able to communicate before. Intent vs impact. Powerful and direct. As well as point 4. Don't do it again, change. My poor husband struggles with this one, "Why bring up what happened before, you allegedly forgave me for that?" Well, frankly because I forgave you understanding you would stop doing it. You keep repeating the behavior it negates the apology! (of course I'm talking about little things, not divorce things). What I'm trying to say is thank you for providing this information and language that cuts away the bs and directly to the core. ps: I found you through Scishow. Take the best of care and DFTBA!

[@mistycremo9301]

I like your seriousness and honesty. I totally agree with your message, and appreciate that you took the time and effort to discuss a serious matter.

[@arinonihonglish]

I'd just like to say that this was amazing and perfectly said/delivered. I want everyone in the world to see this video. Also, you're fantastic!

[@chescaleigh]

aw thank you!

[@TheWhitefisher]

I once took too great of an interest in a native american's identity. We had just met, and I thought I was being nice. He was a musician and I was asking if he ever did anything traditional. He does not. Then when I realized that I was being a nuisance, I apologized... repeatedly!! He told me that the best thing to say was nothing, and so that's what I did. I stopped talking about race and I let him have the floor. I learned that I didn't have the right to ask, and I didn't have the right to apologize. I put a foot wrong and he didn't need to listen to me just because I was feeling guilty. I wanted to apologize but he didn't want to hear it. And that was his right. I am glad he was so cool headed in the situation, and that he was able to wait for me to understand.

[@IChIDH]

Intent is all that matters...I say what I feel, if you take it the wrong way, that's on you.

[@GoVocaloider]

Shreem You can say what you feel, but if you think that intent is all that matters then that is a perspective that only considers your feelings. It does not take into account the feelings of the person on the receiving end of your words. Like I said before, you can say what you feel - there is nothing wrong with that. But it should be done with tact, while being polite and by phrasing your words with caution. You can say things that are difficult to say, while also not being rude. Being brash, and getting your point across are not inter-dependent. This is something I had to learn myself. It may be annoying to explain something that seems obvious, but doing it rudely means you are assuming and treating the other person like an idiot and that's not right.

[@felicityartemis8621]

Absolutely love this and all your amazing tutorials. I have a critique of the word 'wrong', (as in "you did it wrong" or "I was wrong)" as it is a dualistic oversimplification. I prefer, in this context, to use the phrase 'out of integrity'., which literally means 'not acting in alignment with my own values'., So when my friend says, "hey I felt hurt when you said I sound white because I'm well-spoken. " I take a moment to feel that. Then I say : "thank you for bringing that to my attention" "I'm sorry I was out of integrity when I said_______" AND "I will not do that again". Replacing the word "wrong" with "out of integrity" has the effect of bringing our integrity, i.e., alignment of values with actions, explicitly into the conversation. Then we affirm that integrity is an ethos between us. I feel it is an empowerment and an upliftment of the evolutionary track we are on. What do you think? Love and respect, Felicity

[@garbo3x]

I don't know why I torture myself by reading the comments section...hurts my soul. Thank you for this video

[@WahkeenaSitka]

this is where i beg to differ: yes, you should apologize and take responsibility if you hurt someone, either intentionally or unintentionally.. but there is a difference between physically hurting someone and emotionally hurting someone. however, there has to be a line drawn in the sand, a boundary here... because what you're saying is that anybody can have their feelings hurt and put the blame on someone else, and make somebody else responsible for their reactivity. that is called projecting your emotional triggers onto the external, ie, not taking responsibility or owning your emotional reaction. the boundary, drawn in the sand, really DOES have to do with intention. ultimately, if you intend to inflict harm, hurt, attack or abuse someone - either physically or just with your words - you do need to take responsibility for the impact and apologize. if your intention is not to attack or be abusive, but your expression triggered someone else unintentionally - it's really not your fault that they feel hurt. it really does boil down to intent to attack, or not.

[@chescaleigh]

again, this video isn't just about hurt feelings. it's about apologizing for saying or doing oppressive things. so for example something racist, homophobic etc which is stated in the video. everyone has different things they're upset or triggered by, so this video doesn't apply to that. the difference is when you say or do something that upholds oppression it's not JUST about feelings. you might not INTEND to say or do something racist, but your intent doesn't matter when what you're doing is leading to the mistreatment of an ENTIRE group of people. you're not just effecting one person or one person's feelings. so your words and actions have tangible consequences, not just hurt feelings. so we can agree to disagree on this one, but that doesn't change the simple fact that there's a difference between hurting someone's feelings and upholding oppression which can hurt someone's quality of life or even lead to their death.

[@edge8881]

+Wahkeena Sitka thanks for sharing this it is def on everyone's mind. chescaleigh you are beautiful and have great energy. Thank you for explaining this to me in away that dose make sense . I chose not to apologize anymore then is necessary . WITH all these apologize coming from sports stars presidents entertainers It's gotten to be fake.I am NOT on you to making videos so I understand the situation that you got into what I don't understand is if all your friends and the people that you're around approved of it and you yourself approved of it and your heart has no malice then why did you apologize.if we cannot joke about ourselves joke about other people other people joke about us we have truly become less in the society.I have a friend I hurt his feelings one time I never apologize I just never did the same thing to hurt his is feeling again. intentions are all part of being human, if your intention was to hurt me or my family no apology would work in that situation. anyways I am sick of apologies. and no I don't always mean what I say or see what I mean especially when it comes out wrong and somebody looks at me cross eyed and blurt out wait a minute that's not what I meant. honestly what you did in your mind when you made the (offensive) video was innocent was it not ? Do you truly believe in your heart that you set up the Tran-community up to be assaulted ? Not now but in your innocent intention . With that being said there are people out their that will take everything that people do turn it twist it and at some make you believe you have just added to all that is wrong in the world . I'm sorry but the WORLD was set in motion long before me or you could do anything to stop it. Personally I'm full of regrettable events words and even actions so I deal with it. Saying sorry accomplishes little to nothing . I would've love to see that video you made , that you said in good conscience you took down. Don't ever be sorry for curiosity or for discovery. I'll finish by saying I try to think about what I'm going to say,do and act and when I fail mostly w/fam,"called my sisterinlaw a bitch one time not cool" I just give a hug and say, I'll try better 

[@chescaleigh]

Christian Blumenthal thanks for being open to listening and doing a little self reflection! no one's perfect, life is a journey full of growth and change ;) again, in this video i explained the importance of intent vs impact. of course i didn't mean to make content that was transphobic. but i did, so I apologized and am now more aware of how my words and actions and the actions of others effect the trans community. it was a meaningful learning experience, one that i don't regret at all. i needed to have it in order to grow. the point isn't the intent, it's the results of the behavior. THAT'S what's worth apologizing for and trying to correct.

[@imscenery]

I am with you for the most part Wahkeena. Yes, I feel that people are responsible for their own emotional reactions. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said that no one can make you feel bad without your permission. Yes, I also do agree that intent does matter. However, I do not feel that a person should only apologize when they intentionally hurt someone emotionally for several reasons. 1. People who intend to do harm generally do not feel bad about it and would therefore feel no need to apologize. 2. Not everyone who is offended by something is projecting. You can be genuinely be hurt or offended by someone else and still take responsibility for your own response. This does not change that what they did or said that was offensive. 3.And lastly, you can be UNINTENTIONALLY offensive. You can do or say something that does promote gross stereotypes, negative behaviors, marginalize a subset of the population and not realize that you are doing it. I do it all the time. I grew up in a very negative environment and sometimes I open my mouth and my upbringing comes out. I say things without even knowing I am offending people until someone points it out. It is in this case that I have to step up, acknowledge that I was in the wrong, understand WHY I was wrong, and commit to making a change. Absorb the new knowledge and grow as a person. I screw up all the time, but I typically only make a particular mistake once.

[@chescaleigh]

agreed! this is aimed at people that WANT to make a genuine apology and change their behavior, but are prone to falling back on bad habits.

[@DannyDisease]

chescaleigh, you are brave and wonderful for admitting to your passed mistakes so openly in order to help others avoid making the same mistakes. Love this video, love the couple others I have seen of yours, just subscribed! And I only have like 3 other subscriptions on KZbin, I am picky! You're right up there with Laci Green. :)

[@aliz4467]

Nah... I am firmly of the belief that a person's words, no matter what they are, only have power if I give them power. I am the one in control of whether or not I feel like a victim. You can call me a stupid ugly bitch, but I know better, so those words have NO POWER. We don't need to be constantly on eggshells for each other. Just be pleasant, and ignore the things that you disagree with, and the world will remain whole. I cannot be victimized unless I allow it, emotionally, at least.

[@crossing.the.cosmos84]

+Ali Z I don't agree with this, words hurt.if your were called a bitch every single day, day in and day out it would take a toll on you mentally

[@aliz4467]

+Beebe Tree I never said that. Long term verbal abuse of course has a psychological effect. But that's not what I'm talking about. If you keep going back to the message boards, places etc. where people are bad mouthing you ON PURPOSE, you should probably also be ready to deal with it, or walk away. If you can't deal with it, and you also won't leave... then you are pretty entitled, believing everyone has to edit themselves just for you. That's just not going to happen.

[@crossing.the.cosmos84]

***** I get that part, I never understood why people being bullied online..keep loggin back in..but I see what your saying.

[@YouLikeKrabbyPattiesDontYou]

words are actively used as tools of oppression to dehumanise groups of people to help normalise violence against them. so, no.

[@AuroraCalifornica]

Some of this I totally agree with. Some of it, I don't. Intention doesn't matter when it comes to how it made the other person feel, but intention *does* matter. If someone steps on my foot on purpose, I'd like to know so I am not around that person anymore. If I step on someone else's foot, and I just apologize for stepping on their foot, though it was unintentional, and they start telling people I did it on purpose, I am going to set that person straight in letting them know it wasn't on purpose, what was meant to happen, but reiterate that I am sorry that I stepped on their foot and that I will be more careful not to step on it again. Sometimes people get hurt by people just being themselves, this is where we usually get the "you're being too sensitive" responses. I don't expect people to apologize for who they are, but I do expect them to apologize for how it made me feel and to reconsider their audience and material before attempting to be a comedian again. Most of the time when I've screwed up, or someone has screwed up with me... "Why?!" is a part of the conversation.

[@markpalermo1000]

+Cherp Correct. Like you, I agree with most of what she's saying, but the point on intent (and I've seen it echoed elsewhere online) is actually dangerous with regard to how we view and treat one another.

[@AuroraCalifornica]

+Mark Palermo Both the input and the output have their own value. Which is why we have to hear each other and also consider both parties' point of view in the retrospect of any interaction. We are only human and there are better battles to fight than the ones with those who had no intention of harm and are truly sorry for how the person felt because of the words or actions that occurred. It's nearly impossible to consider the feelings of all involved prior to saying or doing something if you do not have the experiences another person has. Learning those is a part of life and has to be considered before vilifying perfectly good people.

[@kcses1]

Your analogies are absolutely SUPER! Thank you!

[@TheMaga1984]

Thanks for making these videos. As a professor I can use many of these videos in class to speak about challenging issues. Keep up the good work!

[@ravenousfire7798]

TheMaga1984, I would definitely drop any classes where you used Franny as an example of someone to emulate...

[@VegasU2ber]

cHold up, your work is one of the most blatent examples of an individual's intent and impact being 180 degree polar opposites. I can see that you are trying to construct positive change, but I really think that your approach is hurting your vision

[@chescaleigh]

+Patrick Barton we're allowed to disagree

[@fireballbastard7873]

+chescaleigh Hey Franchesca... Are you going to apologize for the "booty jam" video you did, which sexually objectified black women and demonized (literally) black men? Or are you inconsistent with your own ideology? I'd like to know.

[@rojonbarnett321]

+chescaleigh This guy is wrong. The only reason why people get offended by what you're trying to do is your encouraging privileged people to sacrifice some of their freedoms, so that marginalized groups can be treated equally. All your doing is asking people not to be selfish, but people want to be so bad.

[@FaithBlack2001]

I've seen this video 3 times today alone, & I just can't stop watching it. It's so perfect. Here in Denver, we're having a major issue with a local gay bar banning trans folks from entering, & in the past they've doubled their prices for any woman who enters the place. A protest happened on Sunday. The owner of an event that happens once a year & gives a portion of it's earnings to a local charity wore a sign that read "fight for gay marriage, not drag queens at beer busts" (a reference to another charity event that sometimes happens at this bar). As a public figure, it's a pretty big deal that we've been giving our money to someone so transphobic. His apology was WORTHLESS & did half the shit in this video that you're NOT supposed to do. THANK YOU for making this video. It's perfect for our situation.

[@chescaleigh]

please don't misunderstand me, i'm not calling you oversensitive. i'm open to listen & learn. but i make sure to do my research before accepting any and everything at face value. i don't doubt your sincerity nor do i take any type of slur lightly. i'm always down to admit when i'm wrong and apologize. but i need to be informed in order to do that. again, i looked, couldn't find anything and asked if you could help.

[@MissOrangeSocks]

Thanks for this video! I really like how you used a personal example :) and everything you said was really well thought-out! I'm subscribing!

[@BohemianScandalous]

Stuff Mom Never Told You lead me to this video! And I have to say that you have instantly earned a new subscriber!

[@jehrmacbrigid1617]

I see a lot of people on here saying stuff like "Oh, just suck it up. People are too easily offended." Funny how, with the exception of Alex Chen, they all give the impression of being white, straight, and male.

[@gibertusalbans1779]

Lots of females, lots of races too, try leaving your echochamber of racist, sexist brainwashed SJWs

[@Shooter21Des]

Wow. This was really fascinating to watch. Never really thought of it that way to be honest. Thank you for making this video! Much love! x

[@ablackphoenix77]

Watching this made me realize that I know several people who a REALLY good at this! I feel like I need to go thank them for being awesome and setting a good example for people like me who struggle with the humility it takes to truly apologize. Thanks for such a great video! I will be sharing this.

[@Mathemusician97]

One question I do have. What's the difference between being oppressive and offensive?

[@chescaleigh]

great question! offensive hurts someone's feelings personally. where as oppressive upholds problematic behaviors or ideas that impact an entire group of marginalized people. so for example, saying something mean about someone's outfit is offensive, but it doesn't perpetuate harmful ideas about an entire marginalized group. whereas making jokes about LGBT or POC, contributes and co-signs harmful ideas about those groups that lead to their mistreatment. so something oppressive can be offensive as well, but everything that's offensive isn't oppressive.

[@DrJMW]

chescaleigh I agree! I especially do not like that men call women the "B" word in songs and then women will sometimes refer to one another the same way! smh BAD BAD BAD The other oppressive atrocity I have noticed for years is that some ladies dress like they are wearing bondage or jewelry that condones oppressive behavior...this is why I will never wear anything that looks like "ripped" clothing (slit skirts, primal half tops, chains, collars, ropes), as if it would be worn by a pet. If a woman doesn't wear clothing reflective of the respect she has for herself, how can she expect others to hold her in a high regard?

[@chescaleigh]

J_Gal99 I don't think how someone dresses influences the level of respect they deserve or have for themselves...

[@DrJMW]

chescaleigh So, you would wear the outfit you had on in this video to a JOB INTERVIEW instead of professional dress? How about bagging jeans around the knees or a dress worn to the club? Mmmhmmm, that's what I thought.

[@chescaleigh]

J_Gal99 you're comparing apples to oranges. certain situations have dress codes. ie. job interviews. but a woman choosing to wear ripped clothing in their personal life or in casual settings like at the club or on a date does not mean they don't have respect for themselves.

[@Lorettagrace]

Thanks, Chesca, this was really helpful -- honest, smart, and just all around useful.

[@lifeaschad]

This is something that everyone, everywhere, needs to hear, and ABSORB! Thanks my global friend... you rock.

[@neilcic]

No. Apologizing means you acknowledging that you did something that hurt someone else (regardless of your intent), and showing that you've learned to not do it in the future.