Childhood Trauma Can Drive Abusive Behavior: Should You Tolerate It?

[@g_lopre8918]

I find falling at the mercy of anyone’s unwavering emotional pangs or sailing on the whims of “it’ll be over soon” can really tear away at the soul, bit by bit. The constant adjusting, assimilating to their moods can be so uncomfortably sweltering and dooming. I think now I finally know the stark difference between love and the insidious pain of loving at all costs. Today, I listen to my body and what it precisely tells me.

[@ARA-ee9yr]

Thank you, this really speaks to me ! Sending 🤍

[@sarahgwenable]

Good Share, thank you.💚

[@nathaniel_pardue]

That "walking on egg shells feeling" became my norm with my now ex girlfriend for 2.5 years. I hated her....and did not want to hate her.

[@yoshi4691]

I agree with separation. I went through this with my ex and he promised to change but in the end he never went to therapy, with or without me in his life. You can't live your life walking on eggshells for someone. They have to hit rock bottom in order to WANT to change, and even though they may want to, there's a huge difference between desire and action. It often takes rock bottom more than once to flip that switch (if ever).

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good point! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

You cannot help others . Until you help yourself ...

[@CompostWatcher]

Don’t tell him you’ve left until you are in a safe place. Don’t let him know where you live.

[@giancarlopia1404]

Excellent points

[@camadams9149]

2:00 That is abuse. People get too hung up on labels. They think finding the name can guide them to a solution. However, there is already a label. That label is ABUSE. The only solution is leaving. Trying to fix it & justifying it is enabling. You deserve better than that. You deserve full love and support. Have hope for your future. Don't waste you hope on abuse

[@trafficcontrol2420]

You can't save everybody; you gotta save yourself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Absolutely! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@SailorGreenTea]

4:18, jealous is fiercely protective and vigilant over people's rights and possessions

[@AussieBelle]

Please be aware that leaving an increasingly abusive relationship is a very dangerous time so Anna's advice on getting guidance from a domestic violence service is valid, and definietly prior to announcing that you are leaving. They can provide you with strategies for keeping yourself safe.

[@Koolcat1800]

6 hours of rage would be bad enough but 6 days?? that's insane.

[@VioletEmerald]

My mom raged for 3 hours at a time. Often more than once a week by the end of my childhood... That alone is "insane" and so torturous

[@fiction589]

I am not even 3 minutes in and it sounds to me like she is held hostage by him, not really like they have any health in their relationship... Sorry but I could never tolerate my partner raging at me, calling me names etc, this is a no go area, total taboo, absolutely disrespectful, abuse. My lord

[@benjamindover4337]

I just can't understand why she doesn't leave.

[@designchik]

Another terrific video, Anna. This situation sounds very dangerous because his rage and abuse are escalating. I hope she listens to her gut instinct that told her to leave before she found your channel.

[@2nd2LastUnicorn]

Would love a full ep on the moment your husband called you out and what led up to it... Your evolution and insight on that, how you felt then vs now. ❤️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Noted :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@schahrzadmorgan]

5:38 for 2 minutes applies also if the partner is walled off, avoidant, depressed. Adults aren't helpless. I don't have to learn how to put up with his or her issues for which he or she refuses to get help. I speak from experience. I was married 25 yrs to a one up avoidant. Now I expect adults to carry their own weight. I'm happy and authentic. Only happy authentic people have access to me.

[@smileyface702]

Thank you. I have a pull towards people who are either avoidant and depressed or anxious and emotionally unstable, and I 100% do not need to put up with the symptoms of that. I deserve to have needs in a relationship. I'm not "bad" if I choose to leave someone with mental health problems /diagnosis or even choose not to get involved because of these things. Most of the people who I meet with these issues are not doing the work to heal themselves and, so, I'm just repeating my childhood patterns. Thinking I should just have a rule not to date people with mental health problems just because of my codependant tendencies. Still feel like thay would be prejudiced and unrealistic...clearly, I'm a bit conflicted. So, I avoid the problem altogether and just don't date.

[@schahrzadmorgan]

@@smileyface702 I relate to thinking I shouldn't leave someone who is nice yet dysfunctional but after doing all this work on myself I finally realized the problem will never end when they're doing no work on themselves. It isn't their adaptive child that's the deal breaker for me but the fact they're not doing therapy or any self help. I'm 60 and I'm just done w that.

[@jcortese3300]

I think the important part to remember is that yes, it may be the REASON, but it's not the EXCUSE. If the partner has to leave for their own health, they have to leave. I say this as someone who does have strong CPTSD-related anger issues and has actively chosen to remain partnerless. There is no possible benefit to either person to put up with that which is un-put-up-with-able. In the end, the equation can balance out one of three ways: 1) The CPTSD partner deals with their anger. This benefits both. 2) The CPTSD partner doesn't, and the other partner leaves. This benefits the other partner. 3) The CPTSD partner doesn't, and the other partner remains. This benefits neither. Option 1 is best, but if the CPTSD partner took that off the plate, then Option 2 is better in total than Option 3. And the other partner can't get them to put "dealing with their rage" back on the plate. It's not off the plate because of you, so your presence will not make them put it back on the plate. It was taken off the plate for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with you: fear of confronting the past, fear of ugly memories, shame of thinking they were to blame for what happened, shame and guilt of acknowledging the negative consequences of their rage, etc. NONE of that has to do with the other partner, so the other partner can't get them to put it back on the plate. All they can do is leave, and hopefully the person with CPTSD will start the process of managing their past in a constructive way.

[@gem5249]

Almost from the time my feet hit the planet I was really abused. Started around 4yrs old no one was present or helped me. So 50 yrs later and 2 ex narcs plus my 1ex put my life in danger I was in a horrificar accident and ended up with a permanent spinal cord injury I escaped after 6 yrs and 3 sons blessed my life beyond measure. then my 2ex narc gave me a STD . I tried to leave after decades twice before 3 times was my charm. He now's plays the victim told the family and monkeys I'm crazy. I'm finding support from beautiful person. Working on healing my mind and soul. He wanted me to leave. He did everything in his power to lie cheat emotionally, he's a charmer and steal. So moving forward in this moment I will think and try to talk positively around my life today. If you might encounter me my goal is for you to walk away feeling happier loved or just a smile. Thank you for sharing this video with me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@CharliesAngel3036]

Thank you so much to be the only person I’ve found so far who is giving advice/being a resource for the PARTNERS of PTSD rather than those that are suffering from the disorder.

[@eisbaerinrbg9129]

I grew up with a mum with either borderline or CPTSD, anyway she would explode out of nowhere and rage on for 3 days sometimes; my sister and I would try everything to not make her angry (which usually didn't work). I can totally relate because I remember thinking if I just did the right things it would prevent her from becoming so angry and abusive. I am now in my fourties and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety some years ago. It is such a relief to learn that it's not my fault my mother behaved that way, so thank you so much for this precious video! 💙🙏🌈 Fortunately I could move out and have reduced contact to my mom, and as long as I'm taking my meds I can work and take care of myself and my daughter 😊

[@angelaholmes8888]

My father was just like that he would go into fits of rage of something stupid living with him was a nightmare I haven't spoken to him since I was 16 years old

[@TheFabricTeapot1]

It's never acceptable that one person's trauma should cause trauma to another.

[@newtuber4freedom43]

Lainie: Well said!!

[@sheilaoreilly6826]

Sounds more like the cycle of abuse. Maybe read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' too and see if he's in there.

[@Slowgroovin]

A: No. You shouldn't tolerate abuse from anyone, regardless of their upbringing. I was beaten like a drum as a child, and I didn't grow up and abuse others.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry that happened to you. -Cara@TeamFairy

[@SuB-gy4rb]

I lived this for 22 years just to feel safe, it does not work. Save yourself.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@johenderson7786]

I recently became a member with you. My 42 years of marriage has been a roller-coaster of drama and abuse. I went through years of therapy for an adult child of alcoholic and wanted my husband and I to get therapy together, but according to him, our problems were all my fault. Later in our marriage, he went to therapy with me, but he was a different person with the therapist, then he was with me. 2 years ago, I found out about narcissism. I believe he is a covert/vulnerable narcissist, but he supposedly talked to someone who told him he wasn't a narcissist. Perhaps it is childhood trauma, but his childhood didn't have the abuse mine did. My biggest concern now is that my husband can't or will not tell me he loves me. I have attempted to talk about it, but he just gets very quiet and won't talk. I'm not sure I love him anymore , but at 75 and a devoted Christian, I am not sure i want a divorce. I just know I don't like my life anymore. I want my joy back, which an old friend recently told me I have lost. I am beginning the work of healing from childhood trauma and the trauma from my marriage. I know it will probably be a slow process, and I will welcome any comments from Anna or your listeners. Please pray for me. Thank you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad you've come to the membership, Jo. Healing can be slow in some areas, and quick in others. With the Daily Practice, the peer-led calls, the courses, and the support of others in our member community, you're in a place where you can keep taking positive steps consistently. You may gain new insights and a new confidence in yourself that lifts up all the things you do in a day. You'll grow the part of your life that's yours alone -- not something that depends on him. This can help keep your eyes lifted toward the good you are creating in your life, and strengthen you to face any curveballs or big decisions you may choose in the future. Big hugs!

[@ARA-ee9yr]

I feel that you will get torn down with every attempt to save anyone. Your cure for him can’t come from you. You are in control of what you can do. Have faith and leave. If you’re too scared to leave physically, start building extra strong boundaries. Then when you feel strength within you, leave. Do everything to build a safe place within you . You are not safe with him. I hope you‘ll use your inner „navigation“ and follow its lead. You can do this.

[@limitlesky]

If she's gonna leave, she should first find a safe place. Don't reveal the location.

[@embo_5787]

And do it in silence, the knowledge of your departure can trigger some to violence

[@TeamCat1128]

Yes!

[@emmaleechase613]

This is a big issue for military families. Important to stop letting the the diagnosis of CPTSD or PTSD hook people into living with abusers or abuse. It can also escalate. We just had an INQUEST here in Canada of a soldier who killed his mother, wife, daughter and himself. Be careful out there. As is said in forensic psych, ‘sometimes the difference between a suicide and homicide is which way the gun is pointing’.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Scary but good point! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@jamiesexton2522]

Or we could as society decide to stop fighting wars.

[@ARA-ee9yr]

I realize that giving absolutely no reaction to a raging person, makes them explode. They want attention, but well I can’t give it to them. It‘s as simple as that. It‘s uncomfortable to experience it. I practice having compassion for them and observing them and their rage, and keeping distance. A healthy (makes me wonder what that means ) distance. Going within and having a safe space within you, will save you in an uncomfortable environment. Thank you 🙏🏼

[@sperez3275]

You have no obligation to stay in an abusive relationship. Abusive people and behaviors are definitely the result of CPTSD and childhood traumas. Abusive behaviors come from a place of deep hurt and insecurity unfortunately. Happy, secure people aren’t abusive. But I wish there were more videos and resources online though, directed and centered around helping those types who wish to get help. Sadly, there isn’t much available, but there seems to be so many abusive people. Everything online just seem to villainize them. Which is fair I suppose. But still, for those that recognize their abusive behaviors and can’t change themselves, there isn’t much available online for them at all. There’s only the other side of the coin.

[@ARA-ee9yr]

I notice me being to hard on myself, but too forgiving with others. Not in a healthy way. I wouldn’t call it forgiveness, but tolerance. I had a high bs tolerance. No more. All love is directed towards me, sayonara to any tolerance for unhealthy behavior or thinking. Bye bye old mindset ! I‘m out. Thank you for the video 🙏🏼

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@ARA-ee9yr]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks for creating this space. It helps so much. 💜

[@hipnhappenin]

Crying ... My boyfriend of 3 years has recently "flipped a switch" (in quotes because the warning signs were there from the beginning). Name-calling, raging, controlling my schedule. Everybody has been urging me to leave, and like you mentioned, the fear of loneliness keeps me in the relationship. Hoping to take the first steps to leave soon.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So sorry! We are all behind you, all the way. The first step is to leave.

[@karlippo]

I am out four years now. Very emotional abuse relationship eggshells outburst etc. I had no idea how bad it was until recently. Getting emdr and our daughter also. GET OUT. Its very damaging. And because you are ín the situation you dont know its that bad. And you cant help him. Get out. And then when he doesnt want to lose you he might decide to get help. But any which way get out first.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for chiming in :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

He has to summon up the courage to ask for help .. It's that plain and simple...

[@TaylorGrinerOneal]

It’s literally my exact life. Every detail!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@ancestraltwine8893]

Mold Rage is a thing too. Some have narcissistic trauma…pharma drugs as prescribed neuro toxicity….and mold affecting their nervous system. It’s THE system that’s responsible for all this crap. Thanks for all you do. You put on some great content.

[@krenee8640]

100% agree

[@tulip5210]

6:55 could you make a video elaborating on that? The calming the thought process that led you there and what you mean

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

There is a free course all about it! bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy

[@embo_5787]

Dear Writer please get out if and when you can, you deserve better ❤️ Save yourself please, cause this was me but too long ago...

[@quoteme.goddess6957]

What's her description of being treated like a Goddess? If that's how he's really treating her, she wouldn't be writing in. Also, why IS SHE trying to FIX him?

[@gabrielbrown805]

I don’t understand why they don’t try and catch it after the first time and actually get help. If they genuinely felt horrified by their actions I would stick by them and help them through it. Sometimes it’s like a reflex that doesn’t require thought, but if they actually intended to lay a hand on me and continued to do so, without showing any remorse for their actions, then I’d leave without saying a word.

[@christinah.8504]

here's something to consider....low testosterone is known to increase irritability and quick to anger in men. My husband is being treated for low t and had some of these symptoms. It could be a contributing factor.

[@the_infinity_channel]

I have CTPSD and my ex have it also, I changed but he did not. Trust me if someone have CTPSD he/she can chnage work on her him self if he is not willing just throw it away. It is not gonna work. I have been in relationship 7 years on eggshell, I have been living also and it was terrible when he got mad, I did have anger also and at first I really thought it was my fault because my parents had alao CTPSD.... real love can chnage everyone and everything but if he she does not love you it is not gonna work. Do not push it it can get worst..

[@HellaBella]

God this makes me feel so sad for her because from the outside looking in, the answer seems so simple: YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

So glad it was useful! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Then work on healing yourself and decide if you want to have another relationship with someone else or not. If not may I suggest pursuing a hobby or 2 like I did to fill the void??

[@brightphoebesays]

I think my mom acts the way she does because of the guilt and shame that was heaped upon her growing up by her Evangelical, sexually repressed, abused and neglected mother. He mother had stunted growth from childhood malnutrition and a stepmother who didn't want her. No wonder my mom thinks the way she does. But she doesn't know where it springs from. SHe doesn't see it, she just follows along in her mother's footsteps, guilting and shaming me and using it to control me, expecting me to respect her at a level that's almost veneration. Anger is not tolerated. I know from others that her mother was a scary person, but mom misses and longs for her, thinks of her as an angel of sorts. Mom lost her mom young so she doesn't understand why I would ever take issue with anything she does. My husband's childhood trauma made him act abusively toward me. I always thought my love would fix him, but it didn't. He repressed me, isolated me, was jealous, and suspicious of me, policing me, giving the silent treatment, even physically restraining me. The stress and anxiety was making me sick. Yet he wanted me to stay. He forbade me to leave. I was concerned for my future health, and for what I was modeling for my child. I had to leave, though it was hard. Exciting at first, then really scary, and my anxiety and self esteem got worse. Very heartbreaking. I still loved him when I left, and I still mourn the loss of my marriage. I still worry about him too. I doubt he will ever heal. He acts avoidant personality disorder. That's my guess. He's happier alone and has told me so.

[@newtuber4freedom43]

A type of bpd, maybe, not all types behave like that. Highly likely npd. I'm not a dr, but that's my best uneducated guess. Always helpful! Keep up the great work.

[@erin9243]

It’s very likely that have both. It’s very common

[@VioletEmerald]

@@erin9243 my mom had both indeed.

[@ipsitasen9569]

Anna can you make a video? If I am dealing with CPTSD but at times I am raging with anger , anger issues which might lead to physical abuse?? How to start healing yourself ? If the guy had asked you to help him for his behaviour what would have you been suggesting him?

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

This is a free course to deal with resentment: bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy

[@britvica]

He is cheating on her.

[@TeamCat1128]

My thoughts too. Just speculation of course, but that’s what it seems like.

[@amarzayaavarzed5470]

Thanks 🙏

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You’re welcome 😊 -Cara@TeamFairy

[@yolandagraham3151]

It sounds like dissociative disorder

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

If he chooses not to change . Start the divorce procedures ...God and or The Law will take care of him!!

[@Hannah-dk2rk]

I am in the exact same position right now, my partner rages at me multiple times every day and it's only gotten worse in the past month. I still haven't worked up the courage to leave them, but I know I have to as they are now verbally abusing my family on Facebook. This video has really helped me to stop putting up with the abuse and I am now trying to contact them as little as possible. My only question is how would the person in the video and me get out of this situation if all the partner does is guilt trip them and constantly message them abuse? It would be great to know your answer on this

[@mariak2216]

Please speak to a domestic violence service for women in your country. You will need their support to develop a safety plan, then share this with only your most trustworthy dependable friends or family who are focused on your welfare and best interests, in order to leave safety.

[@mariak2216]

Emotional violence can cause the longest lasting harm. It is really important to protect yourself ASAP.

[@TeamCat1128]

Make all the preparations behind the scenes, then leave without a word. You are NOT responsible for how he feels. He’s an adult. You are responsible for you.

[@eabeloth7035]

I dont think you should just leave like that. They never choose to be abused in their life ever at all. So why punish them even more when another acknowledges their bad behavior and will work on it.....

[@jeffreypmitchell]

Nobody wants to talk about a moody woman. And how to stop that.

[@kimberlyjennings618]

Praying for you girl 💜 God can work miracles, trust in Jesus and you’ll be okay whether you stay married or not. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:6-8 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit. The afflictions of the righteous are many, But the Lord rescues him from them all. He protects all his bones, Not one of them is broken. Evil will bring death to the wicked, And those who hate the righteous will suffer for their guilt. The Lord redeems the souls of His servants, And none of those who take refuge in Him will suffer for their guilt. Psalm 34:18-22