Choosing Gratitude and Hope | Matt Nightingale and Luanne Nightingale | TEDxSonomaCounty

Matt and Luanne share their true story about family, honesty, and love.
Matt Nightingale works as a church musician and educator, and was an Evangelical music minister for eighteen years, directing choirs, bands and ensembles. He leads a very active and influential Facebook community related to worship/music in his denomination.
Luanne Nightingale works as the Human Resources Director at the Volunteer Center of Sonoma County. She has a passion for serving in the nonprofit sector, and a Broadway-worthy singing voice that can only be heard in her car while on road trips or stuck in traffic.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@Fatherwasahamster]

"Nightingale Family Day" ..... that gives me something more to hopefully be a light to my broken family. Gratitude and hope. I admire the attitude. When I found myself in this situation I also insisted my spouse and I be "open and honest." But sadly, the facts about the end our marriage was to include infidelity and abandonment. And now my kids, my family, my spouses family, our friends, our church, and I all deal with a result of suicide. It is human nature to look for reasons. In my specific case as with so many Straight Spouse situations, many of us cried out with the deepest, most severe angst, "WHY????!!!!" To me it seems as if God and the Universe simply keeps acting like a character in a Kurt Vonnegut book when it matter-of-factly asks back to us, "Why not?" Life will never be the same. Wrongs to ourselves and wrongs to the people we love... they cannot be undone. The genious Steve Martin had it right in the movie, "The Jerk," when he showed us we could be grateful just for this Thermos®... and this lamp. All I have to build on is gratitude and hope. I have notes posted to myself all over my office, my home, my vehicle. "Live life. Love life. Impact others." And, "I'm healing. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm starting over." Or another note to myself, "I love you. I am sorry. I forgive you. Thank you." And now I have a sticky note on my computer screen, "Gratitude and Hope."

[@MattNightingale]

I'm so glad you found a little inspiration. Gratitude and hope.

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

Please do not take any 'hope' from this. Luann is a saint! Little do I doubt that she is actually surpassing a whole army of overwhelming emotions. It would be very useful if she did another of these to publicly express all that she has been through. I know at least one couple that has been destroyed by the poor innocent wife showing her infidel of a husband this, only for it to badly backfire!

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

This 'hope' is what all the straight spouses hope for! It is exceptionally rarely what they get!

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

I feel for you, sadly, I think your story of grief is more common, although the grief comes in many different guises.

[@timothyrogers8498]

I'm sorry but you guys that think some how this is beautiful , dumbfounded me. This guy manipulated this women, this women was so insecure she would not put a stop to it. I think it's great that people forgive, but this guy straight betrayed everyone knowingly and on top of it she is so bent on keeping her in his life for some psychological paradigm I cant fathom that she has allowed herself to be completely diluted by this man.

[@timothyrogers8498]

I'm not sorry, this is one disturbing. Thos dude straight up is most likely a narcissist.

[@autumnacker5310]

What.could she have done to stop it, though?

[@laolsonmd]

I went through this many years ago, and I can tell you from my experience that this transition can be made successfully. I still love my wife and she still loves me, although not in the way we once thought. I have been with my husband now for thirty years. Doug and my wife love each other as members of a redefined family. Doug is a bonus grandpa to our children; they love him and he loves them. Challenges confronted all of us, of course, and certainly some days were very difficult. It demanded that we each examine our value system and recognize that we could find a new definition for family that was not defined exclusively by our DNA. One of my favorite sayings is pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. The pain for us was dealing with my being gay, but we chose not to suffer.

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

No - you chose to make your wife and family suffer.

[@morganbrewer9691]

There's apparently a reason your last name is so similar to hitler. Open your mind and stop the hate speech for gods sake.

[@StephenBlackOKC]

WOW, the very judgment you make... wow!

[@maryjaneharber7193]

How beautiful! What a great global offering. Ty for being .Love and warm regards Kayla

[@suzweinstein]

Thank you for sharing your story! 💙

[@tysondog4949]

16 years of Christian ministry and not one word about Christ

[@eve-bluelg1361]

It's a Ted Talk, not a church sermon

[@itsappl]

This is my family! I still need you to check on that insurance thing for me, dad. I've been waiting like 6 hours and I haven't heard back. 6. Hours.

[@MattNightingale]

😂😂😂

[@TreyPearsonOfficial]

omg. haha

[@suzweinstein]

😂😂😂

[@WarriorBlood777]

Sick and disturbing to be honest. It brought tears to my eyes.

[@pimnjllc]

This is messed up! I don't care who you are or who you love but people, you owe it to yourselves and others to be authentic from the beginning. No woman deserves to be put through that pain and disappointment because a coward did not feel like embracing his identity early on. Teach your children authenticity. It's not Ok to make someone feel like they lived a lie when they were being authentic and giving their all. It's not Ok to say: Oops! I'm sorry. I made a mistake. That's not a mistake. It's a set of decisions you make over and over for years. Saying "I'm sorry" is not enough or fair to the person you hurt. Parents, raise your children to be brave! Cowards only hurt other people who are willing to be brave.

[@Darthdad833]

I knew these two personally while Matt was the worship pastor at my church, great people to know and thier story is great to hear.

[@nojam75]

You still go to that church?

[@elizardourizar1025]

Matt, questions: what is the truth? What is love? And what happened when you were a kid? Thank you

[@John.Christopher]

I don't think he'd be able to answer that

[@veloferrari]

Amazing! I just watched again and while it brings me closer to Matt, whom I know, the depth and honesty and love Luanne and Matt have for each other reminds me of how lucky I am with a wonderful wife and our children. God bless Matt and Luanne!

[@dd41283]

Are they still happily married?

[@maryjaneharber7193]

Ty ! What beautiful ppl! Ty for being

[@tashmoore3825]

We're not of the same cultural tradition, etc. Yet I greatly appreciate Matt & Luanne sharing their story. I can't speak for my life partner here but I was & am mildly closeted. I am mostly out online but not everywhere IRL. Growing closer to Jesus actually helped transform my relationship to myself & my queerness though it's still a work in progress after realizing I couldn't party my way to wellness, lol. Perhaps we'll live in a world where I can be fully out as a Christian in art spaces & fully out as queer in faith spaces, & both in our wider families. But until that happens, I'm grateful that our story can be honest & intimate. Watching you two gives me hope that there are friends who can understand our decision to stick with our faith & partnership even though it's tough. I believe our outcomes are worth pursuing & I will be in a marriage that doesn't require us to hide from one another anymore. Not quite what I expected when I met him, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Cheers to the Bi, Pan, & Fluid Christians in mixed-orientation pairings, with so much love.

[@syedmammar1]

Two extraordinary strong and beautiful people.

[@faithoverfear6263]

This is so sad. Sin destroys everything. Only Jesus can save.

[@eve-bluelg1361]

So true. The sins of homophobia and the abuses of conversion therapy have destroyed so many lives. It's time we repent and be saved, because the truth will set us free.

[@John.Christopher]

Yeah it's a extremely distorted form of antichristianity

[@dd41283]

Did you really leave your wife and "marry" a man?

[@lindaanderson7211]

Love and miss you guys so much! Jenks is not the same without you both or should I say, without you six. Hope you all are adjusting to your new normal and are happy.

[@MattNightingale]

Linda Anderson Thank you! I miss you too!

[@KyleSfhandyman]

I find this story to be a tragedy. Two wonderful people who could be fabulous spouses and lovers to two other people. You would always preserve your love and friendship with each other. You are permanently bonded by your beautiful kids. But young gay kids, and your kids, deserve to see two people living honest lives. Unclouded by ancient books that have a myriad of interpretations. Don't let your faith damage more lives. Model a good loving and honest life for children who are looking up to you. Don't let another generation be damaged by the old stories. Lives of children literally hang in the balance. Gay children in religious families continue to kill themselves every day because they are taught that they are flawed, actually broken children. Don't do that to the next generation. Free yourselves from the shame and regret. Move forward. Be open to love. Be open to new family members who will bring more joy. Model love, honesty, and joy. Live love, honesty and joy.

[@MattNightingale]

Thank you for watching, Kyle. That's exactly what we're trying to do. We are hopeful that people will see this and avoid the pain that we've gone through. We are doing our best to model to the world what authenticity looks like. Our hope is that one day all will be well and that the pain we're experiencing NOW will be redeemed and used for good in the lives of others.

[@KyleSfhandyman]

Matt Nightingale I hope nothing but the best for you and your wife. You really do have a beautiful family. Thank you for openly sharing your story. I really hope we come to a place where homosexual folk are no longer demonized by religion, so gay boys and girls can grow up to be proud, happy and fearless adults. I was born in 61 and even though my family was not religious, I felt pressured by society to marry a woman. I knew I didn't want to take that path but didn't know how to avoid it. Then I saw the movie Making Love. I saw the hurt and pain that Michael Ontkean's character caused his wife when he came out as gay and realized it wasn't about me. If I were to marry, it would be totally unfair to the woman and dishonest to the world, so I decided I needed to be brave, come out, and live as a gay man. Your story may inspire young gay men to live honestly like the movie inspired me. That would be wonderful.

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

Totally tragic. I feel for Luann and the children. Matt I have only contempt for.

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

Sadly, in the UK Luann would not even be able to divorce Matt for adultery as gay infidelity is not legally considered adultery, even though we have gay marriage in the UK. Shamefully 'gay adultery' was considered too 'difficult to define legally' when the gay marriage bill went through parliament (although discussion on it was essentially to try to protect gay couples from gay infidelity). This inequity is appalling and adds credence to the common claim of the guilty party that 'at least it wasn't with another woman' (from a husband - although there are plenty of gay women pulling the same line on their husbands). Laughably these selfish, self indulgent people think it is they who are the victims! That they should be lauded and applauded for 'coming out' for 'facing their demons'. As the cowards most are, they hide from the carnage that they leave behind. Luann is a remarkable woman! Most partners do not cope as well as she has (certainly at first!). It blows your whole world apart; makes you believe your whole life was a lie; makes you wonder what was real and what was not. Authenticity? My foot! Contemptuous betrayal!

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

My gay husband has not even totally come out of the closet! He fills in the equal opps forms that we all have to complete to protect liars like him by ticking heterosexual because he does not think it is anyone else's business that he is gay! Hello!! Why is it anyone else's business that I not gay? He won't even tick 'would rather not say' because ' everyone knows that means 'gay'!' Hello!! You are!! Furthermore, his toy boy (half his age) had the gall to tell me that 'When Ian was young, it was not socially acceptable to be gay' - yes it was! I was there - he wasn't even born! We met in 1984 not 1948! I had friends who 'came out' to me while still at school in 1982! We married in 1990!! It was not the dark ages! Another of the lies they tell themselves!

[@lovebug2662]

If you always knew why put her in this position. Why have children with her... Easier to hurt others along the way than to face your fears..

[@edwardmiessner6502]

Sometimes societal and group pressure is too great to do otherwise, especially in conservative Christian circles.

[@MattNightingale]

I think I answered this. My entire world, my culture, my family, my religion, my education. Everything taught me that homosexuality was sinful and broken. I wanted to do the right thing, to have a family, a ministry. To please God and my community. Obviously it was a tragic choice in some ways. And I am still so grateful for all the good that came from it.

[@writegirl2937]

Matt Nightingale..... Respectfully, didn’t that same Christian upbringing teach you to not defraud others? I see beauty in you and your wife, but it’s sad that the church puts more emphasis on the “sins” that everyone can see and not enough emphasis on matters of the heart. Deception is the worse part of this story. My best to you and your family, sir.

[@MattNightingale]

@@writegirl2937 Of course it did. I agree that defrauding others is an inherently un-Christian thing to do. I'm sad that I felt the need to hide my true self from so many people for so long. I'm so sorry for the damage that it caused so many people, especially those closest to me.

[@syedmammar1]

You should point your finger to society, culture and religion instead. We all make mistakes, we are all pressured into doing things that aren't good for us or others.

[@steeevealbright]

What a selfish and awful man. And that poor woman… she should not be sticking by a pos like him after everything he did to her and her family.

[@eve-bluelg1361]

He's friend of mine, and one thing I can tell you he's not is selfish. And if you're looking for awful? Find a mirror.

[@steeevealbright]

@@eve-bluelg1361 Explain to me how any piece of the story he tells in this video is not selfish? He threw everything he had built with a good woman away so he could “be his true self” (a satanic goal). There is nothing more selfish than that.

[@monstervan]

Great story, truly inspiring! Thank you!

[@eve-bluelg1361]

What horror and grief the sin of homophobia has visited upon us. Thank you for sharing your story so bravely.

[@harmanvirk4421]

Sin of homophobia?

[@kerrylloyd4382]

Beautiful message...thank you for sharing

[@mamasboyofmarin]

Amazing Matt... wow! ♥️🙌🏾

[@mamasboyofmarin]

Amazing Luanne!! 🥰

[@huxin100]

This is great. I am inspiring.

[@MusicLover-mk4ol]

Amazing Talk Thank you!

[@markandrewnouwen7672]

It's a real privilege to watch and listen to your story. Thank you.

[@leviarmacost8668]

What a selfish man…

[@eve-bluelg1361]

I know him. He's actually very generous.

[@haimanotmitiku3396]

Astonishing

[@kimsteinke713]

Thank you for Truth. Same story here. 🌈😁

[@joshuahuizing1142]

A horrible tragedy. Go back to your wife and fix your life. Your current "marriage" isn't real.

[@eve-bluelg1361]

💚💙💜

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

Warning!! This is not the usual 'happy' outcome for families caught in this tragedy!

[@anne-mariehilder7090]

Warning: Spouses of gays or suspected gays - DO NOT SHOW THIS TO YOUR SPOUSE with any hope of it making things any better! IT is most unlikely to do anything other than 'inspire' them to think that they are justified in their infidelity!

[@sandrabates6919]

Very well done! Passionate and moving, it's the way we need to be in the new age of confusion...thank you for the inspiration!