Clutter as a Trauma response After Narcissistic Abuse

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Күн бұрын

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emotionalabuserecovery.com/cop
chapters
00:00 Intro
01:25 What is executive functioning?
02:29 Clutter and executive functioning
03:51 How to recognise clutter as a sign of impaired executive functioning?
04:47 How to address this clutter?
06:19 Summary

Пікірлер: 3 900

@narcabusecoach Жыл бұрын

Book Your Seat for the upcoming Webinar on Master Coparenting with a Narcissist emotionalabuserecovery.com/cop

@johnhansen4794 11 ай бұрын

Thank you.

@victoriawinters5207 11 ай бұрын

Thankyou Mr Bashir, for you have taught me almost all symptoms of recovery after Narcissistic Abuse in 2 weeks ,I did not know this is what was happening to me as I am all alone,I suffered 2 years thinking I was dieing an early / untimely death due to mental n physical illness caused by this Abuse.Now I that I have Identified.. I’m changing my mind back In an instant!!!

@levnzt6949 11 ай бұрын

@@victoriawinters5207 Well, don't count on it. Years of abused aren't being reversed "in an instant". Theres hope but also no need to provoke frustration by "forcing" fast healing. It takes months, years, therapy and willingness to experience old painful memories.

@levnzt6949 11 ай бұрын

Regarding Mr Bashirs explanations, I think they are somewhat lacking. The descriptions might be fitting but they are too vague and also might fit to many other illnesses or maladaptations. He's got the right "thread" to follow but listening to his descriptions its obvious he himself did not suffer narcissistic trauma. It's like being an alcoholic listening to someone who never had an addiction explaining what alcoholism feels like and then giving really vague context for it. But hey, if it's all about promoting some webinars, sure go ahead. Promising an "unshakable spirit" and "unbreakable physical and emotional boundaries" against narcissists! ( srsly?) is just something humankind tried to achieve since it's beginnings, but here you get it for just 67$ in 3hours. Baiting victims of narcissistic abuse with these kind of promises is just disgraceful.

@victoriawinters5207 11 ай бұрын

I’ve been in two year’s recovery and still recovering. What I meant by “ Change my mind in an instant” .. Is that to immediately decide to end the relationship with the narcissist completely with no contact! and start the road to recovery.

@creativearena Жыл бұрын

I am in awe ! I used to be ocd clean and I live in complete mess now and just cannot get myself to get organized

@sanjmalik6282 Жыл бұрын

@ladybug Your not alone, I was ocd clean too, with everything. The house, the car the children and now I live like a squatter. I can't bring myself to clean or have the motivation to clean. I hope when we have healed we will go back to normal.

@cc1k435 Жыл бұрын

Same thing here, and so was my MIL. Seems she and I have come to have a lot in common that way, all thanks to life with her husband and son. 😂

@AllahsServant12 Жыл бұрын

Img same. I use to stress about obsessive cleaning and now in between “peace” days, I don’t clean at all for weeks and I just don’t care 😮

@rnupnorthbrrrsm6123 Жыл бұрын

That’s exactly me and it keeps getting worse, I hate it but can’t seem to change it ! I left my nursing career and clean houses, they are spotless and disinfected when I’m done and I go home to a dungeon 😢 I’m so broken 😞

@gypsylee73 11 ай бұрын

I have it AND circulatory problems in my hands making me not want to touch things bc it hurts like hell sometimes. I just had to sell my house. I did it all on my own pretty much. I still have clutter!! Once I had this dream, or more I heard a voice in the space between sleeping and waking. It said "embrace the chaos".

@MysteryGrey 11 ай бұрын

I hoarded and couldn't keep my belongings in order at the peak of severe narc abuse. I literally had to retrain myself to do dishes, fold clothes, do laundry, wash the bathroom. It was like the tasks were too complex and I didn't have enough energy to do them. All I could do was just sit and stare or sleep. I couldn't even read, it was too complicated.

@lynnolmsted4698 10 ай бұрын

It's as if your body and mind literally checks out in order to try and heal in between episodes! I totally understand ; I could have said this myself!!

@ashleythaxton9667 10 ай бұрын

Me too!! The resulting shame spiral feels insurmountable at the time. (But it’s not ☺️)

@eleonorabartoli2225 10 ай бұрын

Please explain more in detail how you did it, if you can. 💛

@MysteryGrey 10 ай бұрын

@@eleonorabartoli2225 I used mindfulness. I felt the hot dish water, suds, etc and said to myself "I'm doing dishes" "I feel the hot water" "I feel the suds" talking myself through it as I went along also saying "you can do it" and " it will be over soon" and I felt accomplished after I did it and I let myself relax after I did it followed by "you did a good job" self talk, out loud. I still do the same thing, years later.❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

@eleonorabartoli2225 10 ай бұрын

@@MysteryGrey Thank you!

@mattewalsh967 Ай бұрын

"Your strength has gotten you this far"... well now I'm crying... I still can't believe I made it out.... 😢

@jacklarson6281 8 ай бұрын

a philosophy that really helped me was this: "Do something constructive every day." and that can be something as simple as washing a couple dishes, sweeping the floor to finishing that shed in the backyard. it doesn't matter what the project is. what matters is that you are doing something/ anything to improve your surrounding and well-being.

@renem1219 5 ай бұрын

All this is tied to infantilization. Feeling like a helpless child who does not know how to clean.

@gab5geddy 4 ай бұрын

@@renem1219Where did you obtain such information? Or is this your opinion combined with some imagination? For this survivor, what he says here rings true; however, every one is different and so are their unique experiences

@hilakummins3104 4 ай бұрын

@jacklarson Brilliantly put. I have all these issues -- not all from trauma but also Lyme, ADD, anxiety, depression, being terminally ill etc. I disagree that it all boils down to a single thing. It's a combination of factors for me. Great video!

@IMeMineWho 3 ай бұрын

👍

@lynnolmsted4698 3 ай бұрын

Yes! Like today I couldn't get out of bed...So I just told myself to just hang up one shirt. Then that led to doing one more thing...

@cecillebalignasay7358 Жыл бұрын

I never imagined...It does feel like paralysis...Sometimes, it's so hard to even start very simple tasks...Now, I see the connection! Thank you Danish!

@madeleinegrayson8372 11 ай бұрын

Just kind of blew my mind.

@beachlife4346 11 ай бұрын

Freeze response

@jenniferlegrow504 11 ай бұрын

That's how I described it to my doctor one day...like I look at the mess and I'm paralyzed.

@gloriawaddell6570 11 ай бұрын

I was in a 26 year marriage with a narcissist. I couldn't understand why I could never seem to keep my house clean and tidy no matter how hard I tried. Before my marriage I was a very clean and tidy person. This totally makes sense. It was 26 years of chaos. I have been on my own for about a year and a half now and am starting to take control of my life again but I can still see signs of clutter here and there but I am working on them!

@sum1has2 11 ай бұрын

First time I’ve been here and OMG, I thought I was losing my mind! Paralysis is EXACTLY what it is.😳😢😢

@kandiceomalley6301 10 ай бұрын

My narcissistic mother just passed away. I can breathe for the first time in over 60 years. I’ve been afraid to move for being critically judged by her. Nothing was ever good enough. I have to learn how to exist. Thank you so much for this information. It is very healing.

@romeothehavanese 10 ай бұрын

Congratulations on your new found freedom ❤

@TheGarnetObsidian 10 ай бұрын

Wishing you all good things ahead. I am still going through this with my mother. I hope life is beautiful for you.

@sangeethasoman6840 10 ай бұрын

Sending you love ❤

@nateo200 10 ай бұрын

Two adult women in their 40s and 50s told me this is EXACTLY how they felt when their father and mother died both were narcissists. They prefaced the conversation by saying "this is gonna sound fcked up but...".

@AvivaSingsOut 10 ай бұрын

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

@meluli1603 6 ай бұрын

I literally feel that i am incapable of functioning properly. No matter how hard i try, im surrounded by mess. It takes me forever to do a simple task.

@theonerealgreenman Ай бұрын

One thing a day

@dulcemoutinho5820 26 күн бұрын

Me too. I don't have the energy and motivation to do the basic things in life.

@ChaplainDeanna 7 ай бұрын

I’m finally beginning to understand the deep scars left from narcissistic abuse. Letting go of abusive people - sincerely not caring about the pain they create - is freeing.

@jenniferwilson5918 Жыл бұрын

This is where I'm at on my healing. I've gone NO CONTACT for almost a year now. But I'm overwhelmed with clutter at home, work, and my mind. I'm trying so hard, but feel so weak and unmotivated. I'm really struggling. But I won't give up. Thank you for your content. ❤❤❤❤

@narcabusecoach Жыл бұрын

I am proud of you for going no contact. Take it one step at a time and you will get through it.

@pinkposey8134 Жыл бұрын

Hang in there! You have got this!

@jenniferwilson5918 Жыл бұрын

@jbrown2908 Thank you so much for the incredible motivational advice. I'm going to implement all these ideas and keep moving forward. I really needed to hear your good vibes. It makes me feel hopeful I can pull everything together. I appreciate you so much!! 💗💗💗💗💗

@Cale_Davison Жыл бұрын

"Son Little - Neve Give Up" ❤

@kathryn885 Жыл бұрын

I’m so glad you said this .. I’m literally In the same place (a little over a year no contact) after 18 years of lies, neglect, and of course cheating .. and I am feeling the same way, plus of course I still have full responsibility for kids.. but I find myself questioning, “what’s wrong with me “ it’s been this long and I still don’t have my crap together .. “ was I the problem? “ ugh .. such a mind screw …

@StLProgressive 11 ай бұрын

I had no idea this was why I’ve left my house cluttered since my divorce from a covert narcissi. This is like a revelation. Thank you.

@jenifernadeau 10 ай бұрын

The biggest Revelation that may hit you soon also, is that one or both of your parents are covert narcissist. And likely other family members as well. We don't want to see it as children, that's why it's adults we don't see the red flags in other adults . That's why our body systems feel comfortable around that type of person that emulates the childhood we grew up with. So subconsciously we are choosing the same situation in order to right those wrongs. It's truly quite the Revelation when you recognize that most of your co-workers and your employers and your closest best friends are also covert narcs. Quite the program we will run on since childhood until we wake up to it and then deprogram ourselves😮

@StLProgressive 10 ай бұрын

@@jenifernadeau My mother is a narcissist, without question. It’s amazing how much our perspective changes as we get older.

@gmr1241 10 ай бұрын

Same here! I accumulated stuff because it was the only thing I could call 'mine'. Now I'm moving house again and deteimined not to take it all with me. It's not easy! I'm glad you got out!

@TilisuAOL 10 ай бұрын

I don’t have the motivation, but if 😢did, I would just throw everything away. This is making me so miserable, and I’ve been trying to heal from several other conditions my husband caused as well. I’ve read that narcissism can not be treated. I wonder if the damages done to me by the incurable narcissistic are equally incurable. I’ve never been so blindly depressed and phobic. Seven years of therapy and I’m thinking I need three times a week. It’s taking too long to get back to myself

@janice2992 10 ай бұрын

@@jenifernadeauYou are an absolute expert. It wasn't until all my children left home in the same week that I became ill. At age about 40. My daughter went to live at her dad's to be a babysitter for 2 babies. The boys had grown up and gone back to our home town. I got depression, M.E and an under active thyroid. I did not know how to tidy up what to put where? and no energy to do so.Now I am 65 and recovering from a narcissist husband. Who threw me out because of my mess. He is so like my mother. Now I know,( because of him) what she has been doing to me all my life. I started watching you tube about narcissists and have got rid of my best friend, who no one else would have put up with. My husband is in a complex needs home. My mum phones me 4-5 times a week to tell me how foolish I am or worse. It depends how long she is on the phone for. I resent my brother 'golden boy' and I am still on antidepressants 25years later. My home is still a mess and I have not got the energy to go out. I love living on my own. I have God, food delivered, clothes and want to do junk journal's from junk mail, packets and mixed media art supplies from eBay. Wombels style art is great. I have been suicidal and I am still here to tell the tale. God bless you all 💜💪🖖

@sharonjones7138 7 ай бұрын

I had nothing growing up…mother just didn’t meet our need for clothes, blankets, bed linen, shoes….at times food. She was consumed with herself, not her home or children. Once I was on my own providing for myself, I did just that-provide for myself. But, I went overboard and soon found my living space cluttered. I had too much of the things I needed and wanted. As time went on, I realized that empty space had to be filled with something…anything. The space represented the holes in my soul ☹️😢. I was just empty and if I looked in a corner it brought me to tears. Fast forward 2 decades (& a few therapists), I’m much better. It’s so easy to donate, give away, or trash anything I don’t need. The 🦋 is emerging from her cocoon. Thank you for your videos…they are so very helpful ☺️😊👊🏼.

@tbirdcraw11 3 ай бұрын

Glad you’re moving forward.

@user-zk2mk1np2rzlambchopu 2 ай бұрын

It's a miracle as I look around I'm so grateful to God in awe how He helps me twenty years almost geez it's horrific,but now I understand ...

@sudenims5235 Ай бұрын

Can relate. It takes a long time to heal. But it is so freeing to do so. Kudos to you.

@francestaylor9156 Ай бұрын

I was lucky and found God at age 12/13. God can fill the hole when the parents are unwilling to do their job.

@cometasporelcielo 8 ай бұрын

I had a therapist once say "every behavior is a solution to a problem." You absolutely nailed this, explained so much about my own clutter, and you have earned a subscriber.

@jcepri Ай бұрын

I love that saying. Thank you for sharing.

@Urhuuuur 10 ай бұрын

This video must be seen by many people who don't understand what the hell happened with them and their surroundings. Thank you! Incredible that nobody mentions this subject.

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

Dear, we are living in the end times of this Earth, which is enslaved by the demons and spirits of the forces of evil and darkness. Narcissists are part of these forces. Who continues to delve into how to analyze their behavior and the damage they cause without appreciating and accepting the gift of salvation that we have through Jesus Christ and the authority in His name, just wasting your time and missing your only chance for salvation and dooming yourself to eternal torment and suffering in eternal fire and brimstone for torture, along with your enslavers, on whom you now focus. THOSE WHO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST WILL BE SAVED. WHAT GREATER PROOF OF LOVE COULD ANYONE ASK FOR THAN THAT GOD HIMSELF GAVE HIS LIFE FOR US, HIS CREATIONS. THINK ABOUT HIS LOVE, FORGIVENESS, ACCEPTANCE, AND SALVATION INSTEAD OF ANALYZING THE POISON OF THE ONE WHO IS DESTINED TO TORMENT FOREVER IN FIRE AND SULFUR-SATAN WHO IS THE BIGGEST NARCISSIS IN THE UNIVERSE. WHAT WOULD YOU PREFER: ETERNAL LIFE IN LOVE, JOY, LIGHT, AND PURITY OR ETERNAL TORMENT IN FIRE AND SULFUR-THE CHOICE IS YOURS! TORRY YOU WILL NOT HAVE A CHANCE! BE BLESSED!

@813lem 3 ай бұрын

Yes it is. I would never have made the connection not in a million years. My house then was also very clean very organized. Now its a total mess. Its been getting better over the last year or so.

@julialewis8481 3 ай бұрын

Yes, when I was married my house was so organized I even had labels on the cupboards. Closet was color coordinated. Now, I pretty much wade through things with no certain place to be put away. I didn't notice the connection at all. Tfs

@aletheamallory9674 13 күн бұрын

THUS VIDEO WAS A GOD SENT BLESSING TO ME🤗🙏🏾🤗 NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED TO ME🤔

@flowerchild89 11 ай бұрын

I never realized there was a correlation between clutter and narcissist abuse. It makes sense.

@WindTurbineSyndrome 10 ай бұрын

I am interested to understand more.

@flowerchild89 10 ай бұрын

@@WindTurbineSyndrome me too!

@lyndawn2577 9 ай бұрын

But how do you get others to understand that sometimes you just "can't"

@simpleflight34 8 ай бұрын

Me either till now. I can't believe the areas of my life this abuse has done to me

@erinkavelak8953 7 ай бұрын

Horrible abuse survivor here. Never got therapy. This explains everything I had been dealing with for quite a while. Thank you.

@IMeMineWho 3 ай бұрын

It is not just after narcisstic abuse. When one grieves the loss of immediate family or soulmate(s), every little thing they wrote becomes precious.

@kay4725 3 ай бұрын

TRUE.

@IMeMineWho 3 ай бұрын

@@kay4725 Yes.

@tobychainsawmeyers 20 күн бұрын

I'm use to burying trauma behind a very sturdy brick wall inside my head for most of my lifetime, but few years ago 2 very big things happened that broke my wall down. My mother dying from stage4 cancer in a short period of time. I was in charge of clearing out her house & donating her clothes ,furniture, etc,, within the time frame housing manager allotted. Needless to say it was overwhelming and I couldn't finish and every day caused me great anxiety & insomnia to the point of a mental breakdown ! I remember on the last day throwing out furniture onto the front lawn while it was raining ! Anyway, most of that's all a blur now. The 2nd trauma was having to call the RSPCA to surrender my 2 cats because I just couldn't cope anymore and found them too demanding for my attention which I felt guilty I couldn't give them. I had blocked that loving emotion & only had anxiety, depression or anger within me. I had never given away any pets before and never thought I would do something so terrible like that being the animal lover and rescuer that I am. Doing that actually traumatised me more than my mother's death. I don't ever talk about it & only told 3 of my friends and told them never mention that ever again. I've built another mental wall which hopefully will last and protect me from the next big trauma coming that I know isn't far away- another death.

@Fretfor 20 күн бұрын

So very true! In the past two years I’ve lost both my parents & now I’m terrified to get rid of almost anything. Fearing I’ll accidentally throw out something of theirs or from them.

@thing_under_the_stairs 7 күн бұрын

@@Fretfor You have my deepest sympathy and empathy. I lost my mother and stepfather (I haven't had any contact with my abusive biological father for around 15 yrs, and I'm far healthier for it!) last year, and beyond being paralysed at times from grief and trauma, I can't imagine losing anything that had belonged to those people who were kind to me. Particularly any of my mother's lovely handwriting - it's precious!

@drebugsita 11 ай бұрын

I REALLY struggle with clutter. I can't choose and stick with an organizing system, leaving everything strewn around in chaos. It is a major source of shame, and I don't invite anyone over. I only recently heard of the connection to narcissistic abuse. Thank you for addressing this

@Sheba8. 11 ай бұрын

Yes it's shameful and I don't want anyone in my home either because I don't want anyone knowing where I'm at in my life. I couldn't understand why I had changed so much, but now I know and there's a solution aswell. I feel like clearing the place at last I'm free!

@bellautopia818 10 ай бұрын

procrastinators Unite!!!! ...... tomorrow! ✊

@sharastanley2941 10 ай бұрын

@@bellautopia818 😆

@deliawright8626 10 ай бұрын

This is the first I had heard it titled narcissistic abuse. Eye opening as was when I first heard tell of "Stolkholm Syndrome.

@bellautopia818 10 ай бұрын

@@sharastanley2941 soli. .. da.. r.. I.. t........ y✊

@weaviejeebies 10 ай бұрын

This is so true. I've struggled with clutter nearly to the point of hoarding my whole life. I was badly abused by a now diagnosed narcissist (raging sociopath actually) father. I also have ADHD, so I have memory and executive function issues from that. I didn't realize I had CPTSD until middle-aged, and after 5 years of intensive therapy, it was like a switch flipped on and I was able to implement a house overhaul. Now I have inner and outer peace. I'm not saying I'm ever going to be Martha Stewart, but it's so much better now and my clean home is a constant reminder that I beat the demon.

@tmo.48 10 ай бұрын

Five years, oh my goodness!!! I can't even afford one session. Thank goodness I found KZbin for so many if my answers, and then THIS video came along. I am so happy that you did so well❤

@eviewalters9245 10 ай бұрын

Mentally speaking it sounds like we're the same person...

@danilaroche1156 10 ай бұрын

Be careful about love relationships . The devil is a repeat offender and will attempt to bring another narc into your life to destroy you.

@angeldip5797 10 ай бұрын

Im gonna beat the demon too! Thanks for the inspiration!!!!!!! 🤗 🙏🏼 💚

@srock7967 10 ай бұрын

Wow I’m so proud of you!!!! I keep decluttering but cannot get ahead because the clutter behaviors continue. I just began, about a year ago, understanding how much clutter issues are actually a trauma response.

@natashab5969 7 ай бұрын

This makes total sense. My mother used to use cleaning as punishment for us. Toothbrushes on baseboards, tearing out every dish in the cupboards if one dish was dirty, throwing the dirty cat litter in my bed if I didn’t scoop it before school. Sometimes she would watch while we didn’t know and sneak up and hit us if we did it wrong, weren’t fast enough, had an attitude etc… so as an adult when my life gets chaotic…when it’s time to clean I feel like I’m being watched or punished and the anxiety I feel is overwhelming. The irony is the mess gives me anxiety as well 🙃🙃🙃 it’s a fun cycle

@Sophia-ql4md 7 ай бұрын

I’m so sorry, what you’ve been through was insanely horrible…

@arabrabann 7 ай бұрын

I do not see anything fun in the cycle you described

@cjlive5182 6 ай бұрын

That’s awful.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

@@arabrabann OP was using sarcasm, when they described it as a fun cycle. The whole comment sounds like hell and I’m sorry you had to endure that, OP.

@arabrabann 6 ай бұрын

@@ShintogaDeathAngel ditto

@GravyBaby420 7 ай бұрын

It’s taken me almost a decade to get my clutter issues under control. I still struggle, but I clean something at least once a day, as well as washing dishes every night, and that’s a huge accomplishment. For me. Not everything is clean all the time, but it doesn’t have to be. And occasionally I’ll have the energy to deep clean. Everything in time ❤️

@bluebird3014 Жыл бұрын

After an 18 year marriage, I did need to declutter, start over. I put everything in storage and my daughters and I lived with my parents for about a year. When I was ready to go back out on our own, I sold everything and bought new furniture etc. what a horrible time though. The girls were early teens, their dad was out dating and I had CPTSD. I had no clue what NPD was nor did I understand my life fog, exhaustion, etc. the declutter though, happened naturally by selling everything and starting over. One thing I did was, I didn’t date for about 3 years after the divorce, but I was not ready at all because no matter what the guy even suggested, I took it as he was trying to control and got very upset. One poor guy just mentioned sending me to a spa for a nice day and I took it all wrong, thought he wanted to control my hair and nails and went off on him. I wasn’t at all ready for many years to bring anyone into my life. So, in short, what a number narc abuse does on you. These videos are very much needed and so important. I had to deal with all this in 1993, before anyone even knew anything about narc abuse. There was no internet. So, whoever is going through this now, be thankful for the help you have here. Thanks Danish.

@amberinthemist7912 11 ай бұрын

It is epic that you did that in the 90s. I have been struggling with narc family since then, but I am only just now getting out from under their control. I don't know that I could do it without the knowledge on the internet. People really don't understand how isolated we abuse victims were before the internet unless they lived it.

@rhodatuckey7119 11 ай бұрын

Same here, miss, it has been 30 years and still very difficult...

@athena3865 11 ай бұрын

Mine started at birth. And yes, 65 years ago, no help of any kind to understand, let alone defend and protect. The best relationship advice is to not be in one.

@signespencer6887 11 ай бұрын

I didn’t date for 14 years, after a less than 10 year marriage. But I felt I needed to concentrate first on my daughters, and second on my career. Now I have had a 16-year dating relationship with a sweet guy.

@merrycristy 11 ай бұрын

Yes at the time there was No internet...I bought my first self help book at 16 in the nineties...I felt alone and It was like hell, I was not aware that I had Cptsd, but I felt like I was just beginning to open the lid of something really big... after nearly 30 years at least I am finding my answers...but I am not completely healed. On my way! Good luck to us

@melanyebaggins 11 ай бұрын

I realized recently that all of the chores I hate doing (and avoid until it becomes a problem) are all things that I was screeched at and punished for doing wrong from my narc parent. This video makes so much sense.

@melanyebaggins 10 ай бұрын

@@jurandysilva3548 That's a you problem. I use it because a) it's easier to type on a phone keyboard and b) it's a commonly used phrase in groups that deal with childhood abuse from parents. Just because you don't like it doesn't make it bad. I'm not putting their behaviour on me by saying that, they already did that. Now you're using aggressive language towards me because...you find a word icky? That's on YOU. (saying an expression I used is DISGUSTING, to a childhood trauma survivor, makes it sound like *I'm* DISGUSTING no matter how you try to spin it.) Your entire comment reads like something my mother would say to me as a child to chastise me. Congratulations on perpetuating the cycle.

@tyw3537 10 ай бұрын

I totally agree with you! I remember getting the counter felt by hand to see if there was even a grain of salt or sugar left after wiping the cabinets after doing the dishes. I was anxious, hoping I wouldn't have to clean them over again.

@WooliestPuma 9 ай бұрын

I was in my 40s (and finally had a dishwasher) before I could do the dishes without painfully procrastinating - related how the chore was handled in my family home (rather not handled, which sometimes led to angry flares from a parent)

@stellarose2938 8 ай бұрын

Me too. It was a struggle for me just to a start taking regular showers after moving out because I was so used to my mother yelling at me not to use the bathroom, to hurry up, to only use all natural unscented shampoo and conditioner and then to squeegee every drop of water off the shower walls and floor. I have to remind myself that it’s OK now for me to take showers and to cook meals in the kitchen. I can even listen to music without my headphones if I want to but I usually don’t. It’s like I’m scared to even exist because I’m so used to living in fear that she’s going to come yell at me. Now that the abuse is over I’m still learning new, healthy habits to replace my old habits of hiding and being quiet, sometimes hungry and dirty, just to keep the peace.

@aliciabell6688 2 ай бұрын

If I picked things off the floor my dad would yell at me and or hit me or throw things at me. Messiness was also the only way I could have privacy. I clean my house once a week and I ask for help from friends when I get overwhelmed.

@amichaels1871 7 ай бұрын

I started stockpiling food, clothes supplies etc. during the covid lockdowns & have quite literally run out of room in my 2 bedroom apt. It is also a fear or trauma based REACTIVE response that I was so IN IT that it was AUTOMATIC. Becoming more AWARE has helped me with my patterns & found other ways to channel it & CONFRONT all the physical, mental, emotional & spiritual STUFF too. You can't UNDO OVERNITE what it took you YEARS to create. Grant yourself the TIME & SPACE to UNDO it. ❤🌠

@sereneseventeen4919 7 ай бұрын

Omg me too 😅 I still want to keep it all too, just in case

@LeahKan 6 ай бұрын

Hey! 👋 Can I add this!? ...COVID Times were Brutal though!! Luckily I don't live alone because I was freaked out every day by going to work, going anywhere at all really...people trying to breathe on me! These days, I can laugh a little but Dang!! 😂😭😭❤

@amichaels1871 6 ай бұрын

@@LeahKan Be more afraid of BIG PHARMAS 'vaccines' they're NOT what they're TELLING US & tried to HIDE the TRUTH for the next 75 YEARS..😳👿💰💔

@truthtriumphant4015 6 ай бұрын

Actually...that was a very wise thing to do ...we are going to be needing it shortly...sooner than most realize. I'm an OCD/organized hoarder/prepper....have been doing so for the last 20 years ...went into overdrive 4 years ago. Maybe our past can help us navigate the future better...Just get your preps in order as best as you can...and keep on as long as you can : )

@3namechangezalowdevry90day7 4 ай бұрын

Keeping a ledger book with location and exp. date of items can help. Use up the things, oldest first. Make sure the things are stored properly to protect them from moisture and vermin. A well-stocked pantry hedges against both recession and inflation.

@Jennifer-bw7ku Ай бұрын

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

@IkamiLog Ай бұрын

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU Ай бұрын

Yes, dr.sporessss I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

@steceymorgan814 Ай бұрын

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

@IkamiLog Ай бұрын

Is he on instagram?

@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU Ай бұрын

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

@elizabetharmstrong5618 10 ай бұрын

This explains why I feel such an odd sense of liberation when I just leave stuff everywhere. I've always been such a neat freak. After 30 years of being unwittingly controlled by a covert narcissist, I'm now free and almost feel I need to "just be" without being criticised or severely chastised. Then just the thought of sorting it all feels like a crippling mountain to climb. I couldn't understand it.. now it all makes sense!

@sl4983 9 ай бұрын

Agree

@sonofhibbs4425 8 ай бұрын

SAME!!!!

@sl4983 8 ай бұрын

@@sonofhibbs4425 Like, it's MY home, I can do whatever I want, and I'll clean/deal with it when "I" want to.

@sl4983 8 ай бұрын

So our clutter is an attempt to stabilize life? That's what I thought but it just didn't seem to make sense. In my case this abuse was/is from the narcissistic property owners who did/do illegal subjective judging sessions/inspections every 6 months.

@debbievoss3496 8 ай бұрын

Baby steps.

@marijkejansen3321 Жыл бұрын

I worked 4 years with a narcesist, designing and making clothes. 4 month ago I stopped working with him because I was exhausted and had lost inspiration due to his constant demanding for more and putting me down, humiliating me. I went through a tough time getting myself together again. Also I could not design /work in my studio. My studio felt like an enemy and I left it a mess. Then a few weeks ago, after 3 month recovering, I decided to design and make some nice clothes for myself. So I did and that made me so happy!! Afterwards I cleaned my studio and now I'm designing and working again happy because my creativety helps me to further overcome the narcistic abuse.

@nokuthulabhodoza Жыл бұрын

Thanx Danish.I have always been very neat but since I live with a narc it has taken me two full years to declutter my home.I now know why I have so much clutter in my home

@undercoverbird8592 11 ай бұрын

Oh my lord they kill all creativity. I went to fashion school, I used to paint, dance, was an actor for almost 20 years but after 18 years all I could do around my ex was manage gardening. Now I’m picking up the mess. ❤

@annawasterbyjara9527 11 ай бұрын

Seems true. But I like to add that some people that suffer from abuse, turne in to a abuser. I wish I have understood this clutter sign much sooner. He said that people with psyiciological problems has a tendensy to be overly neet, and escaped any responsability for cleaning or going through his old stuff.

@fendibondie2545 11 ай бұрын

After dealing with a narcissists it usually take 2 to 3 weeks to get yourself together.

@NyTeSkAi.. 11 ай бұрын

@@fendibondie2545Lol! Maybe a one time encounter with a narcissistic great aunt visiting for a couple weeks.. But try 2 to 3 years or more for those who have been subjected to many years or even a lifetime of this sinister abuse. It alters you.. you have to process the trauma and rebuild yourself from the ground up. There is no way that I have found to speed up this recovery. So far it is a rollercoaster moment to moment even and it feels like nothing I've ever experienced before. There seems to be very little control over the outcome even when you are consistently taking steps in the right direction.. the finish line feels further and further away..

@strick405 8 ай бұрын

I cried after watching this. I've been hating myself for this disgusting shift in myself and wondering why each pile feels like an insurmountable mountain (the very word used by Dr Bashir). My mom recently died and the comfort of her stuff and yet the shame of what she would think of its lack of good placement has compounded everything. ♥Thank you for the first taste of compassion I need to give myself. ♥

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

@Martina1192 8 ай бұрын

I think clutter is a response to trauma DURING the abuse, not just after. Everything you said makes complete sense, only it’s not over yet. I always think “what’s wrong with me, why do I suck so much” like he always says, but it makes sense when you explained it.

@avianna7738 11 ай бұрын

This made me let out an audible sigh of relief. I have been living in hoarder-like disarray for years now and have been blaming myself for the inability to do anything about it-even had to begin treatment for ADHD-like symptoms because of it. Meanwhile, I used to be an extremely organized and tidy individual (almost to the opposite extreme, but not in an unhealthy way). So this finally helped me identify what had happened from point A to point B that caused this chaos. Understanding this feels so unburdening. 🙏

@tanjaprosenik3813 10 ай бұрын

I feel you. This is like my own story. I wish you all the best

@michellexu4651 10 ай бұрын

Ditto. Exactly my scenario.

@angeldip5797 10 ай бұрын

100% 🙏🏼 Amén!

@Charlotte1983xX 10 ай бұрын

I got diagnosed with adhd after my ex narc aswell..heads totally shot

@jlynnthompson319 9 ай бұрын

He tells me I am nothing, I have nothing, everything I do have is because of him and his. He also steals and throws away my things, specially ones with big sentimental value that can't be replaced. When this started, I started becoming less and less organized. I started collecting and hoarding, adding to the disorganization. But it created a wall of sorts. It keeps everyone away. It's also a way for me to feel like I DO have something. But I never saw all these connections between my inner chaos and outer chaos as well as it being s response to his abuse until recently. Thank you for this video. It confirms what I started figuring out. I used to see it as proof that he was right. Which is exactly what he wanted. Now I can start clearing the clutter and taking back control of my life, my environment and my well being.

@angelcoyote9802 Жыл бұрын

I FINALLY got rid of all clutter, then I allowed a narc into my life again and BOOM! My home has turned into an explosion of clutter again. Thank you for elaborating about this. It makes me feel more forgiving of myself, and reminds me there is hope I can recover again.

@M_SC 11 ай бұрын

Wait did I write this? It’s me

@Yarblocosifilitico 11 ай бұрын

same!

@jenifernadeau 10 ай бұрын

If the universe will send you test and opportunities to practice what you have learned about yourself. That way you can refine those parts of yourself that you didn't know you needed to. That was the blessing of each narc that comes in. We will spotted in your closest friends and especially your co-workers, because had we not been in a lower vibration and unhealthy, we would have never chosen the jobs we did or taking on the friends that we did. We can only go with what's comfortable, so when we get comfortable with being uncomfortable, that's when we are moving towards what's truly healthy

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

@jondoealoe 7 ай бұрын

Seeing all the comments from people who used to be neat, tells me there's wisdom in this video ~

@jessica0321 7 ай бұрын

Wow. I had no idea my clutter had anything to do with the abuse I've suffered. It makes sense - thank you. I've been moving towards minimalism and getting rid of things I've hoarded and carried with me for years...the process of letting go causes a fight or flight response initially and then I'm grateful for the results. I have 25% left to tackle and I've been avoiding it. Haha. xx

@fightingfiresusa2961 11 ай бұрын

I kept wondering why I was living with piles of clothes on chairs and piles of papers everywhere. I didn’t think it had anything to do with my narcissistic situation I’m fighting to leave and heal from. It makes perfect sense.❤

@gmr1241 10 ай бұрын

I hope you can leave. Don't give up! There's help out there if you ask for it.

@fightingfiresusa2961 10 ай бұрын

@@gmr1241 thank you for taking the time to give a little hope to a perfect stranger. If you’ve been through this living hell, you must be a very caring and strong person. Bless your heart and thank you again ❤️🙏

@ladybird491 5 ай бұрын

I have so much clutter that it's getting dangerous, a candle feel from the shelf and hit me today and broke and I snapped and just started packing up shit.

@sahdogwrangler5594 Жыл бұрын

I have struggled with clutter for years. When I try to work on it, I can't make decisions. People have told me it's simple, sort items into keep, save, donate or throw away. It's not that simple for me. I also over shop & have guilt & shame over that. I've always thought disorganized & messy were a part of my personality. Now it's overwhelming to deal with. I went from an abusive childhood to an abusive marriage. I am in therapy but progress is slow because I can't leave my partner anytime soon. This video was helpful though. Its validating to know I'm not alone & that I'm not a horrible person for creating piles of everything everywhere. Shame, guilt & judgment don't help the situation. I have trouble being kind to myself. I can be very kind & forgiving to others, i need to remember to treat myself that way!

@alyciamarie4163 11 ай бұрын

I feel you! I couldn’t have written your comment. Only difference I need to see a dr. I have not gone in a few years bc I sick of telling them I had depression and anxiety with them never trying to actually figure anything out! If I do not continue to try I am the only one who “loses”

@cherylbarrel9966 11 ай бұрын

Me too. We've got your back.

@lovealwaysmom 11 ай бұрын

No one can truly know what you are going through except yourself. The narcist in your life makes it even harder for you to know yourself. My daughters and I were in a situation where we weren't able to leave for many years. We eventually got out. It was hard. Remember, years of existing with the narcissistic abuse will take years to recover from. Try to be kind to yourself when you can. Little, bitty, baby steps.

@amandachilds5290 11 ай бұрын

The shopping was also probably a defense mechanism where you got out a while and felt inspired and thought oh if I make things nice and look better it will be better or fix things... I believe there are also layers of codependency involved where you'd need to be hyper vigilant and put the other's whims first just to avoid danger. That feeling doesn't go away and if you were the type to marry a narc or go into business with one you were sincerely wanting a partner most likely and taken advantage of as a giver and good partner so you're stuck in that type of mode feeling like you need a partner or someone to tell you what to do next or help. Also, trying to avoid triggers to PTSD makes you avoid the things that were theirs or old memories or plans that would never come to fruition that the narc sabotaged. If you try to go through things too soon you can find hidden things you didn't realize were there and also find things that trigger strong, debilitating emotional flashbacks so you just put off the process or may actually fear it and then the clutter becomes worse or like the lady with stuff in storage said they get ruined the longer you out it off so the worse the whole thing gets. Add to it the depression many have and time make the process that much larger and overwhelming. It's not hoarding really, it's just not seeing the point in going through things and if you are good at memory you get by fine and know where everything basically is. There is also the fact that people who have gone through Trauma and especially Narcissistic Abuse feel blindsided a lot and that makes them feel unsteady because they were often sent on wild goose chases, blamed and burdened so much and often had to stop their projects to obey the demands of the narcissist so you begin to feel like if you can see everything out in the open it's better for you even if not for others. When things are put away in a box where it is truly missing in your minds eye, out of sight out of mind you feel like it's lost so when it's a mess but available then you feel safer, like more in control or can see the bad things coming better. It's because of living life like walking on eggshells emotionally has made you wary so you'd rather have it all out there in the open because the narc was so secretive and deceptive and manipulative you just won't live like that again in any form. Your mind learned to deal with messy a long time ago but still hates the sick feeling of blindsides and bombshells and that's why war or catastrophic events cause similar PTSD as continual emotional and narc abuse. These are my observation from others who share and based on my experiences too as someone with psych background and grew up with this abuse and had it again in marriage. Truth is we need a support group that doesn't just talk but helps each other out of analysis paralysis and make lemonade out of our lemons by either doing creative projects or learning to let our things be sold and become someone else's treasures and blessings and making new narratives about those objects to defeat the triggers. It would be cathartic and practical if we could find people we could trust that wouldn't be too pushy and egotistical to re traumatize us, if that makes sense

@Learned333 11 ай бұрын

Dr. Gabor Mate went through a shopping addiction too over trauma too.

@amandawalton8044 8 ай бұрын

I think it is important to acknowledge that narcissists often try to control your surroundings. It can help to think that you are taking back your environment and control over it

@amasterofone 7 ай бұрын

I think this is the most truly understanding and compassionate way someone has ever described my struggle. Thank you for the the compassion and empathy. So many people are instantly judgmental.

@lisataylor8732 11 ай бұрын

Im standing here staring at my phone. I dont know how long I've been standing here, nor can i say how much of that time I was slack-jawed. The serendipity is not lost on me, given that, at this very moment, I am in the middle if making myself pick & poke at my overwhelming clutter. Frustrated & unmotivated, i took a break, tapping on the first KZbin i came to. Thank you!!!!!!

@gracerc6154 11 ай бұрын

Lol, same thing happens with me!

@annem7806 10 ай бұрын

Thats called serendipity 🫶

@gibforddaddydale 10 ай бұрын

Jung would call that a synchronicity. But yeah, mind blowing. My clutter is so bad I can’t find anything if it’s put away.

@ericb6309 11 ай бұрын

“What does clutter have to do with trauma?” As someone who grew up with hoarders on both sides of my family, and one of them being one of my parents IN my childhood home… “ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!”

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

@INFJparadox 2 ай бұрын

It’s really insane how much lifelong trauma narcissists cause. This completely makes sense. 💖🙏💖

@rachaelb9164 2 ай бұрын

Yeah this totally makes sense. Suddenly with the negative person out of my life I want to clean and reclaim my home.

@SANNAsewglam 10 ай бұрын

I had no idea my clutter is from narcissistic abuse. Everything you said I have thought! I started taking kenpo Karate classes. I'm now able to clear out clutter. I am starting with 1 pile at a time! It's so Awesome to know that I have started the healing process and am taking my power back and am able to think for myself without thinking of what the other person is going to say and do to me. Today I celebrate the first day of the rest of my Life🎉

@WhimsyMeadows Жыл бұрын

This explains why my brothers home became so messy and disorganized after our narcissist mother passed. I never knew why.

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 11 ай бұрын

Maybe he was afraid of her disapproval of having a mess, but once she was gone he could go on with life and not having to care about keeping things organized anymore.

@WhimsyMeadows 11 ай бұрын

@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 this is true

@ToriOdevlin-mx3rh 11 ай бұрын

My brother said it reminded him of childhood and he liked it

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 11 ай бұрын

@@ToriOdevlin-mx3rh Same here. A mess feels rather soothing to me. Neat and tidy feels like an endless waste of time and energy.

@mayganphynix8267 10 ай бұрын

@@mrsqueakthecat.8061yes! I can relate to the part of the video when he said, being disorganized as a way of "gaining control". Like there's many parts of my life and how I feel etc that I have no control over, but at least I can have control over coming home from an exhausting day at work and not have to do much.

@kalgishah9634 6 ай бұрын

With narcissistic husband, we keep our home clean out of fear and to avoid torturous drama but after divorce, we keep our home as messy as possible due to our lost self.

@Krifpumpumkrify 6 ай бұрын

Being gentle with oneself is so important with so much healing. It's the first thing I advise when asked for advice

@ginalorraine1899 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for shining such a compassionate light on this tricky reality for so many of us. I am 20.5 months out of leaving the abuser. We have kids together, so the threat of him calling DHHS or CPS has always loomed in my mind. I’ve tried to stay three steps ahead of him here, keeping all but a few rooms clutter free and clean, despite pets. I have allowed myself the opportunity to heal in whatever way I needed, including shouting, “I’m not cleaning you up today” at the clutter itself. Before I left, my job was to clean up whatever series of messes he decided to create. I no longer chose that role, so I have refused this job many many times in my new home and life. Here I am, nearly two years later, with a laundry room that still needs organizing, one room in the basement that’s still out of control, and boxes stacked against one wall in the garage that make getting in and out of the car difficult. But I planted flowers and grew tomatoes. I grew the lawn back after the boys, dogs, and chickens destroyed it in one summer. I improved my credit score. I bought a vehicle. I went to school and have started a killer job in a completely new field. I set up a tiny “office corner” in my living room so I can earn a living and keep an eye on the kids. I have helped my kids heal some of their inner doubts and wounds. I haven’t lost weight, but I haven’t gained any either. I bought a lawn mower, a snowblower, a chest freezer, and security cameras. I fixed the back gate and painted the dining room. I bought my daughter a car with my own money. I’ve had to rely on a lot of gifts and charity. I’ve also earned my keep, too. I bought my daughter glasses last month. And as I grow into this confident, capable, empowered woman, I am able to release things that I had previously needed as visual reminders of my worth. I now recognize my value most of the time. It’s who I am now. And I don’t need all those visual reminders of comfort and encouragement and love…just some of them. My kids still love their clutter. And now that I have seen your video, I can release the need for them to speed up their own process. Thank you.

@saiitome 11 ай бұрын

Beautiful thoughts, good luck with the future 😊

@69bird71 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing this.

@stellaclarke-hx7bq 3 ай бұрын

Massive thumbs up and big hugs and lots of love to you. 👍👍👍👍👍👍💗

@satoriceramics6010 Жыл бұрын

It’s sort of a feedback loop. The clearer your environment, the clearer your thoughts. The clearer your thoughts, the clearer your environment. It might not feel like much, but cleaning your space is a HUGE act of self love and step towards healing. It’s so hard to keep a clear mind when I am surrounded by messes. I used to work as a mechanic surrounded by messes everywhere, but a lot of it wasn’t my responsibility. In my home though, it is. I just try to tend to the part of the garden I can touch and clean what I am responsible for. I feel my spirit say thank you when I do. Those messy thoughts will undoubted re-emerge and create physical clutter again, but it’s our job to check ourselves when we begin to slip. Great video Danish❤

@constancedenchy9801 Жыл бұрын

I don't believe it. I believe "clutter" is how we are socialized. Danish is talking about a "theory" and theories aren't fact

@janebrown7231 10 ай бұрын

That's a great description and analysis. Thank you so much!

@LForbesDeWild 10 ай бұрын

I love how you said "cleaning your space is a HUGE act of self love..." It's no wonder I can't clean. I can't love myself. 😞

@janebrown7231 10 ай бұрын

@LForbesDeWild You're not alone in that. Hoping you're at least on the pathway. Small steps. 🤗

@SondraStellaria 10 ай бұрын

@@LForbesDeWild.. I agree. Knowing this is how I manage. I also employ mindfulness and positive self talk to help me stick to necessary tasks like caring for pets, self care, dishes, laundry. And no matter what I make my bed straight away. It’s soooo important even though sometimes seemingly impossible to love yourself ~especially when you feel so unloved and unloveable. 💛

@gothmamasylvia462 7 ай бұрын

I never realized that my messy house was a symptom of having lived with a narcissist. Thank you!

@jodie3671 Ай бұрын

It makes sense that the clutter makes us feel comfortable as the abuse made us feel uncomfortable in all sorts of ways. Ordering the aftermath after a storm. 💟

@TheAutumnGypsy 9 ай бұрын

When I was married to a narcissist, my home was spotless and organized. Since the divorce I've lost that, my home is a mess. It's slowly starting to get better but, I never realized this was going on. Thank you. ❤

@lionking3957 7 ай бұрын

Same here.😢

@bas-tn3um 7 ай бұрын

you were like MUAHAHAHAH im free im free i know the feeling

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

@lynnolmsted4698 6 ай бұрын

It’s probably because you finally have a chance to relax instead of having to radically perform just to please or not piss off the narcissist.

@RealityCheck1980 6 ай бұрын

I’m in the same exact situation. I see pics from my married life and my home was so clean and over time it’s cluttered-but we will conquer this!

@rkl3692 Жыл бұрын

Thank you Danish for preventing me from hating myself at every turn.

@cherylbarrel9966 11 ай бұрын

Danish is a miracle.

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

@js-93308 8 ай бұрын

Wow, thank you so much Danish! I had no idea there was a correlation between narcissistic abuse and managing daily tasks. It makes so much sense now, when the abuse was at its worst so was my ability to function. I'm not sure what's worse, feeling helpless and unable to fix the mess, or the shame and trying to hide it. Either way, both made me feel like I wasn't n't good enough. I've been reading the comments and it has really helped, thank you to everyone who shared their story. I don't feel as broken and alone.❤ All I can say to everyone is please don't give up, I believe in my heart that we all deserve to be happy! If we keep talking and supporting each other we will be one step closer to taking our lives back. I'm determined not to let my narcissist(s) win! You know what they say...the best revenge is a life well lived. 💪

@galaxy98765 4 ай бұрын

To js_5505, your comment is very supportive and very inspiring, and I needed to be reminded to not give up. Wouldn't it be nice if all of us who commented here, plus Danish, could all be in a support group, sitting in chairs in a circle, in person, and sharing stories and supporting each other? Looks like we are all in the same boat, and it is comforting to me. Well, I guess I will get up and clean or organize something now! Peace to everyone. ❤

@js-93308 4 ай бұрын

@@galaxy98765 thank you for your kind words 💜 and yes that would be really nice. I actually found a free weekly peer group session on Zoom, It's a great place to open up and share your struggles, sometimes someone on the call is going through the same thing too. I still haven't cleaned my house though 🙃

@ericachacon8337 8 ай бұрын

This makes so much sense. On top of years of narcissistic abuse from both of my parents, & then later from my son's father, I also have chronic depression. I have worked hard to minimize the clutter in my home (and in my mind!) but often the first sign that I'm struggling or not coping effectively with stress, is that things start to get messy around the house. It's an ongoing battle but I have hope because it's gotten much better over time, as I'm continually putting in the work to heal. I wish everyone watching this peace, love & grace- it's not an easy thing to get past trauma & abuse, but it IS possible! ❤

@katharinasloboda1411 8 ай бұрын

Same. Send you love and courage. We can do it, we will heal. We survived the narcissitic abuse and the trauma it caused. Now we take step by step and get our life back. ❤🎉😊😇

@Jeanne-oh8kh 4 ай бұрын

I believe we are the solution for dealing with the fear that it was only "me"... going through this and that nobody could possibly understand... but now we see that we are not... I'm praying for us all

@RosieTime_ 10 ай бұрын

I'm going through this right now. In my 50's, parents gone, but still tormented mentally in the ways described above. Healing is a slow but important process. Parents were an immature nightmare of neediness. You're right. I'm dealing with the triggers and side effects of it. I'm free, but still a hermit out of habit, or conditioning. Sometimes I feel like I'm a little child again being screamed at.

@ShepardfortheLord 10 ай бұрын

Healing and Grace 🙏

@lightwarrior432 9 ай бұрын

Blessings ✨

@lorriefinley3129 8 ай бұрын

@rosietime3332 I suggest you check into finding a Therapist who treats PTSD with EMDR. It can be very helpful in abuse situations. It makes it so you can relive the incidents without triggering the emotions. It may help you. Im not a therapist. I've used with several times in my 60's for different issues with success.

@ShepardfortheLord 8 ай бұрын

@@lorriefinley3129I have had EMDR also. It helped me.

@dariaschooler 9 ай бұрын

Well, it’s been 20 years since jettisoning the abuser. But only 10 years since losing my vocation to disability. Now the chaos has manifested. I’m getting too old for this shit. Thanks for making sense of a lifetime of challenges. Damage takes its toll over decades. I’m just grateful to still be breathing and thankful to God for my complex life. May His Will Be Done.

@montehill1364 8 ай бұрын

As someone that was with a narcissist for 21 years, & now highly cluttered, this rings so true.

@blankpaperandme 8 ай бұрын

This resonated with me deeply. I am now trying to declutter but so far it's taken several years and my mind continues to spiral in chaos. I still live in the toxic environment, but I am working to leave it as soon as possible as was the recommendation of my therapist. It's just difficult because this person destroyed my sense of "personhood" if that makes sense; destroyed my self-esteem to a point that it is almost non-existent and I am only now realizing this in my 30s and partly thanks to going to a psychologist. She helped me understand where the root of my anxiety, panic attacks, and shattered self-esteem and sense of self started.

@TheSopheom 10 ай бұрын

My narcissist passed away a little under a year ago and to be honest with everyone my biggest emotion was relief. Shortly after the relief came PTSD and it shook me. I was blind to the amount of stress I was under because I was too busy trying to survive. I knew then I needed to sit with myself and regain touch with the person I used to be, there was no other choice. I have been doing the work and the clouds are finally starting to clear, along with the mess in my house. Another symptom of the abuse that I didnt recognize until this video. The biggest thing I want to express is how amazing the grace is when it comes. Reclaiming yourself in all your glory, is truly magnificent. And worth every excruciating step.

@kandiceomalley6301 10 ай бұрын

I feel your pain. My mom died four months ago. She was in hospice for 6 months. I completely shut down to survive it. My partner kept asking me why I did it since she was so horrible. Honestly, as the eldest and only daughter, I was afraid of being charged with elder neglect if I didn't. That's the only reason. The utter and complete relief when she died was so huge. I'm just now learning she was a narcissist my whole life and I was her object of terror. It is overwhelming yet freeing to have this new understanding.

@TheSopheom 10 ай бұрын

@@kandiceomalley6301 thank you for sharing, I don't think this gets talked about enough because I felt incredibly guilty for feeling relieved. And yet, my heart does mourn him. Perhaps it's my mind romanticizing what was, perhaps it's the comfort of familiarity. I will grow with and through these scars, hopefully to be a beacon for a kinder, softer way. Love and healing to you. 🙏❤️

@kandiceomalley6301 10 ай бұрын

@@TheSopheom I recently discovered that it is an old pattern in my family. When my great grandfather was dying, destitute. All fourteen of his children signed a legal affidavit that they we unable to or had no desire to take care of him because of his abuse during their lives. how sad is that? Before I knew about narcissistic parents and that my mom was a prime example, I told a friend that Hallmark and Norman Rockwell lied to us about what family is. I'm having trouble mourning my mother because she was horrid until the very end. What I mourn is what my childhood could have been. How I could have healed better, sooner if I had understood. But it wasnt and I didn't realize the narcissistic behaviors until after she had passed. But it has given me more insights and tools to work on my own healing. I gave up on having a big healing reconciliation with her. Trying to be honest with her was like walking into and airplane propeller. With this new understanding and tools we can take steps to recover and heal. Blessings.

@TheSopheom 10 ай бұрын

@@jurandysilva3548 it's hard to see how dark it all is until you're out of it. I think that's what makes the grace so amazing when it finally comes. There's also a strong sense of wanting to lift people up, so they never have to go where you have been. 🙏❤️

@fullajoy3325 10 ай бұрын

Very well said.

@victoriagibson411 11 ай бұрын

I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought i was a messy lazy person. Now i see why I'm going thru this! Thank you so much.

@cazb4421 2 ай бұрын

I learnt this, and it helps. Instead of putting it down. Put it away. Instead of putting it down. Put it away! It helps me start slowly in healing.

@CalzaTheFox 8 ай бұрын

I can vouch as the son of an abusive narcissist, and my mother who suffered worse than I did. She would buy things on a whim because of the use she saw in it, put away someplace, and forget where she put it. Both her and I have had a problem with hoarding, clutter, and disorganization despite preferring organization in our lives.

@ladybird491 5 ай бұрын

Wow same here! The narc will be organized and have neat home while ours are trash cause they transfer their trash energy to us.

@coldfact. 5 ай бұрын

@@ladybird491EXACTLY! I just said the same thing, in a comment- on one of his other vids; that the feelings we end up with, were really theirs all along! Wow... confirmation indeed. ❤️‍🩹

@coldfact. 5 ай бұрын

Their crap dumped onto us, AND THEN, have the nerve to shame us for it!

@hehunches Жыл бұрын

Internal clutter manifests in my outward life This is right Just pick one tiny thing and clear it. One narcisstic abuse cobweb at a time.

@themysticmuse 11 ай бұрын

Well put.🙏

@angelafair6492 11 ай бұрын

😂😂😂😂 yep.

@fuckgoogle6047 11 ай бұрын

Ok. Ill try that...thank you. Ill let you know if it works.

@AM-.. 11 ай бұрын

“One Narc abuse cobweb at a time”. Another way to look at it, good analogy. Thx.

@tmo.48 11 ай бұрын

Beautiful

@tarey05 Жыл бұрын

A friend of mine's husband was diagnosed with frontal temporal lobe dementia (loss of executive skills) after years of disorganization/cluttering/hoarding, resulting in many job losses. My friend pieced together evidence that he had suffered from an early age from an abusive father who constantly reminded him that he could never do anything right. It was terribly sad to see that the trauma was clearly reeking havoc on his brain function in the end. Thank you for this insightful presentation, Danish.

@ksenijaorel6386 Жыл бұрын

Is this reparaible, how is this possible!!???? As far as I stydy narc. I found out how cruel they are, I am survivor as well uf....

@QueenieAlexander2000 11 ай бұрын

My close friend has physical causes for his clutter tendencies, as well as an abusive father and mother. One should not overlook vitamin B deficiency (pernicious anaemia and gut issues) and hypothyroidism as causes of clutter too.

@chriselectric1116 11 ай бұрын

YES, VERY TRUE, I LIVED THE ABUSE FROM MY FATHER, HE WAS IN THE MILITARY, A NAVY GUY, AS HIS SON, I COULD NEVER ,EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT, HE MADE ME FEEL USELESS AS A MAN, NOW AT 57 I STILL STRUGGLE WITH ALL OF THIS,. I AM DOING WELL; BUT I SPEND MONEY ON SHIT I REALLY DO NOT NEED , MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT, ALL EXPENSIVE GREAT STUFF, I AM VERY LONELY,; BEEN THROUGH SO MANY WOMEN, HAD A LOT OF FUN, BUT AT MY AGE, AND NEVER MARRIED, I AM STILL ALL ALONE,. I CAN NOT TRUST ANYONE,....THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO I HAVE EVER SEEN THAT REALLY EXPLAINS IT, NOW IT ALL ADDS UP, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW,.. THANK YOU,....

@tarey05 11 ай бұрын

@@chriselectric1116 God bless ypu, Chris, and welcome to Danish's community. Hope u take time to watch many of the videos; he is helpful in ways nobody is. Danish's story with his dad is somewhat like yours and on his youtube home page, he has a contact email to make an appt with him. He is a hypnotherapist.

@AM-.. 11 ай бұрын

I watched some videos stating that the brain changes while dealing with someone who has narcisstic traits… the abuse really affects brain structure to psychologically.

@theanonymoushousewife886 7 ай бұрын

My husband always went apesh*t on me when I'd clean house. His whole family are 'collectors'/hoarders. They suffered a ridiculous level of abuse in their home. And since he went apesh*t on me every time I'd clean and control the clutter chaos, our house is now just like what he grew up with. I guess he got his way. Clutter is contagious in that way. When you live with somebody who goes apesh*t when you get control over the clutter chaos, it has a way of wearing you down so you no longer want to clean your own house. That's where I'm at. I now just want to walk away from it and let it rot. It's eating me up inside, because this is not in line with who I am and always have been. But I'm worn out and just can't motivate myself to set up for that punishment again for trying to make our lives easier. He'll just clutter it up again. it's a never-ending hell, not to mention unhealthy, unsanitary, and pest-ridden. I swore I'd never live like his mother did, but guess what? The haunting of that narcissistic abuse is more powerful than my will at this stage. I've thrown in the towel. I no longer have it in me to keep doing it. I get screamed at over nothing/anything if I try, and left alone if I don't.

@renem1219 5 ай бұрын

My mother forced me to be her housekeeper, and she praised me for it. Later, I resented it and did not want to focus on cleaning all the time and wanted to take my life back. Instead, I really enjoy working on projects instead. It is also, partly, due to real estate being so expensive and these days there is not much room for things. Danish, thank for spreading this awareness.

@bev4155 10 ай бұрын

I have been out of the narcissistic for 12 years. I couldn't figure out why its so hard to stay organized when I use to be a neat freak. Its overwhelming to get thru the day. I sit and look at what needs to be done and then walk away to take a nap and ignore it. Thank you for the insight

@zulthor8453 8 ай бұрын

The same is happening to me..

@number1angel66 8 ай бұрын

Same here. 😔

@Courtney23932 8 ай бұрын

Hey I get rest and don't feel bad but my boys will come home from being with their dad (the narc)0 on the weekend I have to work at the hospital cleaning thoroughly 20+ rooms to say did u clean any mom....no mom is drained i will get to it. As if he tells them to mess up moms house or just buying them stuff all the time and end up taking stuff to the goodwill idl clutter and I like everything in its place I won't give up.

@sarar5230 8 ай бұрын

Me too, Ive been out of the Narc relationship for 5 years, and sometimes sometimes have a nap, as I cant decide what task to start with first. I used to be quite OCD and very tidy, so this is good to know Im not the only one.

@heatherrittenhouse-philbri7444 7 ай бұрын

Yes, the naps are so handy for not having to deal with or think about anything.

@Tammissa 10 ай бұрын

I’ve had a few narcissists in my life that literally made me think I was crazy. Nobody understands what one feels after being severely abused. There’s so much I’m learning about why I do what I do and why I feel like I feel. I’ve always blamed myself. Thank you for this info.🙏

@sandraschultz3104 10 ай бұрын

Please get out of the pattern of picking these people. I’m learning as well. Bad pattern that has been programmed into us.

@janetpattison8474 10 ай бұрын

Lots of people understand. On this channel & many others you’re in good company. Check out Dr Ramani, Dr Les Carter, Lise Romano, Darin McGee and others who are all experts in narcissistic abuse. I grew up w/ it, and have been surrounded by narcs ever since.

@braingamesballsortgame718 9 ай бұрын

@@sandraschultz3104Bad patterns of becoming a people pleaser and having no boundaries to say "NO"

@ninii394 8 ай бұрын

@@sandraschultz3104 but then i will have no one

@bondjane007 7 ай бұрын

@@braingamesballsortgame718 well oddly enough I say no, but it doesn't seem to make any difference to the narcissist. I think people like us who are people pleasers and maybe feel that by doing things for other people are trying to help and save other people that somehow they like us but instead it turns out that we become victims of their control and their power and we lose our own control in our own power and our identity. I don't know how I found myself surrounded by so many narcissists in my life, but there they R. I'm lucky in one way that most of them are not around that often and they're not in a serious relationship any of them so I only see them once in a Blue Moon. But sadly I don't have any particular special person that loves me unconditionally and I wish I had that. I actually would like to get rid of all my stuff but I have no place to have a yard sale and no one to help me do the sale yet because I want to sell everything I have and keep very little. I am actually not attached to any of the stuff except that I see that there's money in it and I hate to waste things. in this modern day everything is throw away and I am from the era where you pass things down to generation to generation and they're made well so that they last a long time. So I'm partly stuck era of saving and recycling and repurposing and passing things on to the next person. I also recycle and get stuff from my neighbor's to recycle as well. But I have a lot of physical disabilities and I just had hip surgery and I'm in constant pain so it's very difficult for me to do a lot of lifting and bending and physical work that needs to be done I also broke my back by lifting heavy boxes I'm kind of afraid to do too much heavy lifting for fear I break some more bones. But I am going to keep my eye on the ball and I am going to try to get some help so that I can get a place set up or I can do the yard sales and get this stuff sold make some money and then I can put out my inventions and my children's book. I first have to find someone I can trust in my house with my stuff cuz there's so many things there that they could easily take when I wasn't looking and I wouldn't even know they were missing so I feel like I'm a little bit different than some of the people that are collecting clutter because I don't go and buy stuff I kind of get stuff from my neighbors or find it

@tishgrier 7 ай бұрын

Thank you! I've always wondered about my clutter, and your explanation makes sense. Over the years i've made slow and easy progress with my clutter. You're so right about the small steps, too. They add up and before you know it, you've made progress.

@anntrope491 4 ай бұрын

I think that professionals who have expertise in this area should set up some guidelines for a “narc abused anonymous” group… as I believe there is a huge need for this type of recovery group. Thank you for validating our trauma… the process of recovery is ongoing…💕🌻💕

@tinanbob 10 ай бұрын

My mouth dropped open when this came on! This is me 100%! I survived the worse Narc abuser and now I am deep in clutter so bad. I was never like this before and want my neat tidy life back. I don't know how to even start it's so bad. I just never knew it was a trama response. I really only care to just survive.

@pinkposey8134 Жыл бұрын

Thank you! During divorce aftermath felt like I was camping in my home. Did not understand why I lived in clutter at that time. Then one day I snapped out of it.

@zakithiganyaza5525 Жыл бұрын

How did you achieve it?

@pinkposey8134 Жыл бұрын

@@zakithiganyaza5525 Thank you! Actually saw that the clutter was blocking my path in the house, kept bumping shins. Focused on at least not blocking pathways. In this video is the key, put away slowly and small items. I choose 5 items (in the same room or area) to put in proper spot per day to begin. Sometimes it take a while (thinking about it) to find a spot for that item you chose. It will dawn on you. Then that is how it gradually becomes smaller, and at the same time, your mind is looking for 5 things to organize. That is what I mean by snapping out of it. If you need to move items along, a free table (for items you would not likely sell) in front of where you live helps, helps you and others both feel accomplished. Then reload the table if needed. Still tend to block my path, working this takes time. The clutter also is a representation of ourselves and what we have been through in life, and at times of trauma seeing all of it somehow validates us as people. Like seeing your breath in smoking or on a cold day.

@visionvixxen 11 ай бұрын

I see my parents home and I feel like it’s a refugee shit the funny thing is they’re very wealthy doctors and now fully retired. They should be able to be renewing it renovating it but things are stapled there patched up there mismatched, and the scary thing is it makes me feel so sad and discombobulated inside but they keep on saying they like it and now I feel bad because I don’t want like something they like what what is that’s a representation of them but also when will they get past it you know like OK they can love their patchwork, messy, chaotic, refugee style lifestyle, but when will they love themselves out of it I just don’t understand it and I do also because I have ADD and I can’t see 5 to 10 steps ahead but I just I don’t understand

@visionvixxen 11 ай бұрын

@TippyPuddles 8 ай бұрын

Thank you. I had an earth shattering awakening watching this video and listening to you. My clutter began when the narcissist left and I never realized or made a connection. I was always tidy and organized and now I sit in anguish at the mess I live in. I couldn't figure out why I can't clean it up.

@mocalifornia6103 8 ай бұрын

😮 I'm shocked to see how accurate this is!! 🎯 I've always been a very clean but mostly organized person. But in the last years, before I left the narcissist, I started letting my room get messy n cluttered with things, mostly new things that I'd buy to soothe myself n try to keep busy n feel better. It's been 17 months since I left him n I'm still struggling with this but now everything makes perfect sense 🥰 Thank you so much Danish✨Now I know why n how to fix it 😘 This gives me a alot of encouragement 💖 Blessings to All 🙏🏻

@terrybritton1258 11 ай бұрын

I had both physical and mental abuse from my narcissistic mother. I live in a messy, cluttered house but I went no contact 6 months ago and find myself finally feeling safe enough to start to remove it. One of my counselors said I would start to remove the clutter once I felt safe. It was the only thing that kept her away. Thank you for explaining this so well. My family doesn't get it and we are all estranged. It's sad, but I think all of us have been traumatized. I like how you say to be kind to yourself and take it slow. That's exactly how I'm working on things. It's not fast enough for some but it's the only speed I can move at now.

@jenifernadeau 10 ай бұрын

It's wonderful to see that you are the strong one in the family that will be doing the healing for the ancestral lineage. Breaking Free from the patterns. You are the awakened one. They always Saw The Light Within you ...& set out to destroy you because your light shine on the dark parts of themselves that they don't want to see. Anything anyone has ever done or said about you or to you, has never been a reflection of you, because we are Just Energy. Your vibration was innately higher than theirs. Detaching from family and recognizing that they were there to teach us things about ourselves, because we choose each family members in our lifetimes for our lessons, allows space for the true Soul tribe members to show up. Toxic family systems expect children to be amazing without ever providing them with the resources to do so. Your parents were likely codependent and of course Very damaged from their own childhood, and they cannot teach what they don't know. So forgiveness internally for not seeing it, results in forgiveness for them. But setting our boundaries in the meantime is the best way to heal yourself, because you cannot heal in the same environment in which you got sick. When you learn to say the word no to a parent, who is really just another person(, never put anyone on a pedestal, especially family) and practice not explaining yourself and being firm but polite, it will throw everyone in the family for a loop, but you must consistently practice it. And the family is the one to practice it with because you will now need those skills at your job and within your relationships. The family cannot teach us healthy things or what a healthy relationship is because they were not healthy. The best part is, that once you work on raising your vibration and doing what brings you Joy when you were a child, following your passions, healing and honoring your inner child,, and recognizing that anything's someone thinks , says or does never has anything to do with you ( it's only reflection of what's going on within them, because whatever happens internally must be projected externally) there lower vibrational selves HAVE to fall away. It's universal law, The Law of Attraction. You can only attract you that same frequency that you vibrate at Because you are now stepping out of the unhealthy role that they created for you, without you knowing it, when you were young. We are not here to make other people comfortable, especially in their dysfunction. Love yourself first. And then you show the world how to treat you, by your example of how you demonstrate self-love self-worth and self- value. You will be tested with people trying to come into your life and disrupt your healing during your time of isolation and growth. Those that respect your space and truly want the best for you are the ones that will stay

@jenifernadeau 10 ай бұрын

My mother could never learn to stop comparing herself to others. That is a useless waste of precious energy and time . And when people threaten you with leaving, make sure to let them go LOL. Because anything that is truly meant for you will never pass you by. Whether it be an uncomfortable lesson, some sort of perceived loss, a blessing, a person, or an opportunity. Your guide and ancestors and angels are always waiting to speak to you, the more we detach from the physical world, the easier it is to hear them.

@nondesalim7093 11 ай бұрын

I now understand how I suddenly changed from this extremely neat person to this extremely messy person. Thank you so much for your simple and straight forward videos 🙏🙏🙏

@lairdsimons5431 10 ай бұрын

From Mrs: Yes! Yes! Yes!

@seraphina3142 10 ай бұрын

Same ❤ I did find help and support. Research and therapy revealed how I got myself to physical / mental condition in the present. I didn't cognize myself. BEAUTIFUL LIGHTWORKERS - It's okay to not be okay❤ HSP are attracted to those who need healing. Don't listen to anyone who judges you. Especially if they met you during healing!! ❤❤❤

@pjw661 Ай бұрын

I see myself in this video so clearly. For so long I've wondered what's WRONG with me?? I used to be such a neat nick. I'm going to follow this guy's videos. If you see this comment, thanks so much. God bless everyone here going through this. It is painful.

@SweetBakesCouture 7 ай бұрын

OMG this was on time and comforting. I was literally in the process of finally cleaning and rearranging my bedroom, piles of clothes and all. It's been a year of emotional and mental struggles, finally able to take baby steps 😩😢🙌

@cherylberk4593 11 ай бұрын

Iwent no contact a year ago. I cant seem to get over it. Simple things like doing laundry and throwing out old papers seem frightening. It is a paralysis! Thank you so very much, and bless those who have shared. I have never seen this addressed before.❤️

@bichismitas 11 ай бұрын

In 33 years. With ample memories of narcissistic abuses starting from home to everywhere I went. I am in this point right now. My healing has begun. ❤

@janetpattison8474 10 ай бұрын

Welcome to the world of waking up, to what we’ve been dealing with forever. If u haven’t already discovered many more helpful narc experts, some are: Lisa Romano, Dr. Ramani, Dr.Les Carter, Dr. George Simon…. I jump around, and each expert has their own great style of teaching.

@lovensnugs2385 10 ай бұрын

Waking up is exactly what it is too, when it starts u feel like you've been sleep walking through daily life

@pamelachisholm2166 7 ай бұрын

This is by far one of the best explanations of why I was diagnosed with CPTSD several years ago. My counselors ( yes I’ve had a few and they’ve never even come close to addressing the situation). They all could learn a thing or two by watching this video.

@marinadelrey5512 8 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for shedding light on this subject. This would have saved me so much self shaming had I heard it fifteen years ago. I had been so hard on myself for years with self judgments of feeling like a lazy slob that just couldn't get myself to be more tidy and organised, as much as I wanted to. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I can attest that the healing can be agonisingly slow, but thanks to people like you, we have a better chance to make our trauma responses conscious and turn that shame into immense gratefulness to our body, mind and spirit for helping us survive. Much love and blessings! ❤

@justbeachy2031 7 ай бұрын

Even if you heard it 15 years ago, it may not have mattered. It’s such a process. I am well aware yet I hate myself every day, even though I know I am a very good human being

@sujatha21 Жыл бұрын

For years i have struggled with getting rid of clutter. I never imagined it could be a trauma response. Now I'm going overboard giving things away and going minimal. I'm struggling to stay balanced

@hspinnovators5516 Жыл бұрын

I feel like giving everything away, living with so little etc may also be a trauma response. Would make another good video...

@ladylucid1169 Жыл бұрын

I feel that. I gathered all the things each area of my house could possibly have. I even made lists that I kept upgrading by using Google to make sure I didn't miss any items. Once I collected almost all so called essential pieces each room could have, I then experienced moving homes. I filled the uhaul truck 2 1/2 times. It was overwhelming and I switched to just wanting to burn it away in a fire pit. When I moved again, I only needed to fill the uhaul once. After all that material collecting for years, it took a quick turn to aspiring to be more minimal. What's the point of having all that stuff just in case it's potentially needed if you cannot find the specific things when you need them.

@ladylucid1169 Жыл бұрын

Also your comment has 33 likes on it and just noticed my gas in my car has 33 miles left to E. Oh wow and it's 8:33 right now. Lol 😆

@ritajohannessen9804 Жыл бұрын

Pray and work, it goes hand in hand. I got rid of every bit I didnt need- and the peace thereafter....😊 but I did together with Gods Word. I listened to videoes about it when I deecluttered, it gave such a motivation.

@T_doodle_77 Жыл бұрын

@Lady Lucid i have neen fighting my clutter for 5 years now. I have some simply beautiful things. But, just as you pointed out, i can never find one of the 17 extention cords. Or, the kitchen utensils that i bought at that yard sale last month. Etc etc And, when i do try to adress it, i am almost instantly overwhelmed with the severity and magnitude of it. I am just so lost about how to move forward.

@a.person1723 10 ай бұрын

took me 40 years to 'learn' how to clean house. Until I realized the thing that was holding me back was my dad. every time I would try and push myself to clean, I would get his image stuck in my head. him, with the belt and that bulging forehead vein, and all that rage that he always took out on us kids when we were small. I used to hide in the coat closet when he would come home from work... i had to unlearn all that terror before I could clean shit. edit: physical abuse and terror were how my parents 'taught' us how to do literally everything from house chores to homework. and yes they were both narcissists as well.

@Move4ward888 Ай бұрын

This is so true for me!!! I had no idea that my inability to get organized and stop impulse shopping was due to being in a relationship with a narcissist! Once I started focusing on my self care and started to pursue my career goals, I noticed that the fog cleared and now my home, mind, thoughts, and finances are getting back on track!!! Thank you for helping me understand what I was going thru… I honestly just thought that I was being a bad mother and a horrible woman. 😢❤

@tannwich5350 7 ай бұрын

It's extra hard if you're a writer, multi-focus student, or multi-instrumentalist, because the clutter seems so valid! Most of it is information. Not just the classic picture of old soda cups and clothes and expired receipts. Your analogy of the office is very helpful.

@victoriacaldwell9285 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for this. After getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist, I noticed as I began reclaiming my life I became more organized and clutter free in my home. clutter is definitely a symptom of abuse.

@sojourner3163 Жыл бұрын

It was eye opening when you mentioned reclaiming your space. I have struggled to even make decisions, doubting my own thoughts and feelings. I see now I need to love myself and give myself permission to recreate my surroundings and stop settling for what has been. I am not happy with my surroundings, the clutter and all the reminders of life with my ex. I ask why have I held onto these things for so long? It's almost like I am punishing myself, believing I deserve to feel unhappy, unworthy. Thank you, Danish.

@cherylbarrel9966 11 ай бұрын

Let this video encourage you that there is nothing shameful about trauma response.

@jocelineblerot7887 11 ай бұрын

My world is upside down, clutter is everywhere. Zero energy, looking after a narcisstic (aged)mother. Sibling with Severe narcissism(discovered first, 4 yrs. ago. New apt. near my mother. Furniture is all wrong, disorganized to the nth degree. Takes weeks to fold laundry, pieces get pulled out one at a time, as needed. Dishes gets done 2ce weekly, in a good week(me, dishwasher). Everything is out of place, recycles keep piling up, every corner is filled with who knows what. I started out my first 50 yrs. of life a healthy neat freak. Everything had its place. My ?life has been totally turned upside down. I don't know who I am anymore...nightmare doesn't begin to describe what this is doing to my psyche.

@Yarblocosifilitico 11 ай бұрын

I rearranged my room recently and it felt so liberating. I had a hard time actually believing that I could have my room however I liked (and of course, I received subtle criticism, but I was so fulfilled that I barely cared).

@brunorojas3992 11 ай бұрын

Same.

@Isthisinterestingnow 10 ай бұрын

@@YarblocosifiliticoWhoah, same about not believing that I could move things or that it's OK. Though mainly because N siblings act like I'm not allowed to do anything.

@heatherrittenhouse-philbri7444 7 ай бұрын

Thank you, Danish. No one understands me now. I have been completely shut down. My narc relationship ended two months ago and I have tried to remain no contact except for two contacts that unfortunately were necessary over belongings, etc. On those two occasions I was stunned at how easy it set me back emotionally. It was awful. I couldn’t believe how much came flooding back after just a short conversation. For anyone who doesn’t think the trauma is real, I guess you’d have to experience it for yourself. It was my first and LAST time. I’d rather be alone than again go through what I’m going through now. Being alone is not something I’ve ever really enjoyed or desired, but at this point, I can’t even imagine putting myself out there again just to get clobbered. Maybe someday I will feel normal again. I hope so.

@laurelmarshall6903 7 ай бұрын

I have been soo disorganized for most of my life. Many times I've felt I AM clutter... What you say about chronic stress & clutter & trauma feels so true.. Thank you for this comforting video, Danish..

@scarlettfrancesca 10 ай бұрын

This was a truly beautiful video, thank you. I've been a mental health specialist for 20 years and even I fell prey to a covert narcissist and it forever changed my life. I have been single for over 3 years and the abuse he did, still impacts me daily. I want to truly clear my mental and physical space and it feels like such a daily struggle. I really appreciated your compassionate message and genuine kindness ❤

@sl4983 9 ай бұрын

You fell prey to one?

@scarlettfrancesca 9 ай бұрын

@sl4983 Do you not understand what that means or you're trying to have me explain my situation?

@sl4983 9 ай бұрын

@@scarlettfrancesca yes it's just fascinating that you were a mental health specialist and one of them still got you! I'm not being facetious at all. I've been learning a lot about them from Sam Vaknin. I went through a lot with 2 of them and am still trying to get a handle on clutter

@scarlettfrancesca 9 ай бұрын

@sl4983 He definitely did not present as one for the 1st 2 years of the relationship... not a single sign. So it was not obvious and apparent until later and once the behaviors started, it became a very dysfunctional dynamic that turned sinister quickly.

@susanazinger2525 11 ай бұрын

Thank you , Danish .. I can't believe you're talking about this . As I'm listening to you , I 'm sitting on my bed looking at all the clothes , shoes , newspapers , books , 1 box of half-eaten donuts from over a week ago still setting on the dresser ...and 2 tiny dried up kitten turds in the far corner that I just now noticed . I'm in tears . I always took pride in my housekeeping , everything was in it's place - organized - always loved having friends over who couldn't believe how cozy and beautful I kept my home .Friends I no longer have - thanks to my malignant narcissist of a soon - to - be ex ... He loves to tell his flying monkeys how lazy I am - when I don't have one lazy bone in my body . I've never been so miserable in my life . Cluttered mind - cluttered house . One room at a time is how to reclaim a person's dignity and sense of normalcy ... It's been scary as hell ...thank you so much for being there for us ✌️❤️

@jennifere4641 7 ай бұрын

When I planned my departure on 24 April 2021, I went into auto-mode. De-cluttered and took a 3rd of my sh*t. It was therapeutic, the start of self-therapy. My new place is a third of the size of the family home. Working on my emotions now. Divorced July 2022. Been more in control of my life now at the end of 2023 than in my entire life. Thank you for your enlightening videos, Danish🌼⭐👌🏼

@sonyamihaylova1433 7 ай бұрын

@kharakessler1390 20 күн бұрын

Cleaning tip: when you want to get rid of some clutter or clean a messy room, and feel overwhelmed like you don’t know where to start, always start with obvious trash first. Turn on some music, open windows if possible, get trash bags, and just start tossing shyt in! It makes. A HUGE immediate difference that also makes you feel good! Because the reward center is on fire with how much space and progress you made already! Then start putting things at least on the side of the room in which they go before worrying about what cabinet or shelf they go on. Just put it over by it first. Once everything is at least on the side of the room in belongs, then put it away. After you are finally done, light a candle and incense (preferably sage) and take a shower. Then come out and lay down and enjoy the FLOW of energy in that clear space.❤

@amyfromindy 10 ай бұрын

Danish, I sit here amidst my cluttered home and chaotic mind in tears and I must thank you. My story is a long one...10 years long in which I've struggled with CPTSD and serious health issues due to several traumatic events in a very short time. After seeing 12+ doctors and getting nowhere but down on myself I had a Brain Mapping (QEEG). From the QEEG I learned my executive functioning was not functioning which explained my inability to organize and clear out 10 years of a cluttered, chaotic environment and return it to the serene haven it had previously always been. The tears I now shed are due to the insight your video gave me as to where this all began. Exactly 10 years ago I got out of a 2 yr abusive relationship with a narcissist but did not even consider that a trauma! I struggle to give myself grace though after discovering the impetus of this debilitating journey I feel that task may be a bit easier now...the giving myself grace task. I thank you for that gift.

@sl4983 9 ай бұрын

Following

@stilettodiva98116 9 ай бұрын

Wow, we have had very similar experiences…I’ve been fighting with my medical care team to get a QEEG, but even trying to manage working with 12 different specialists is so overwhelming that I totally shut down and can’t deal with that. Thanks for motivating me to at least start pushing for having this diagnostic test done ASAP!

@collywogs2258 8 ай бұрын

It’s taken me 8 years too I’m starting to take steps to regain my life but, man…where to begin? Baby steps I guess. Thanks for sharing your story

@vaska1999 7 ай бұрын

@@collywogs2258 Same here.

@hexxan007 6 ай бұрын

❤‍🩹❤❤❤

@statickitten 10 ай бұрын

I've always considered the clutter the brain's way to hide itself physically from the abuser. I'm still in the situation with my narcissistic abuser, and even just getting out of bed seems almost impossible, but I'll get in trouble if I don't. I've had to devote all my life to my mother, so much that I don't even know who I am. Every once in awhile I just power through cleaning my whole room in a day to avoid her arguing more.

@solvated_photon 7 ай бұрын

One reason I resist decluttering my sleeping area is to make it difficult for an intruder to approach me with stealth. I never used to have such concerns, but when you’ve experienced many instances of ID theft and burglary after breaking things off with a narcissist, it changes your perspective. One thing I’ve found that helps is trying to be mindful of small tasks I can do while doing normal living. Best example is when going up or down stairs, I ask myself if there’s anything I should take with me, maybe it’s some dishes or some trash, but if I’m already traveling I should not be empty handed.

@healingandgrowth-infp4677 7 ай бұрын

I can't do that as it feels like going out is to serve chores n I'm more unworthy and going out is not for my wellbeing n need for fresh air as I rarely leave my home If I get up to go to loo I do take things through though to tidy those up I leave small amount I use I keep to 1 spoon for Everything n 1 plate n 1 mug n leave it under slow running water all thr time when not in use It works well cleaning it I was used as a slave so it's triggering I'm so sorry you had to endure that abuse n violation tho after the abuse 😮

@lucienneglaiser7563 7 ай бұрын

Thank you so very much for this video. I've never understood how I became such a hoarder, living in clutter. All my organisation skills seemingly have been lost. I've never worked out when this clutter and chaos started. You have helped me discover the time it started...it was after a several year relationship with a narcissist. Thank you for helping me discover that link. I am currently doing my utmost to clear my surroundings, painting and cleaning and repairing my home. The hardest part, seemingly, is letting go of the things cluttering my home. I'm working on it. I've trapped myself in the thoughts that it will be painful, however, I don't know without actually letting it go. Knowing that I have been in trauma, gradually healing, since the relationship with a narcissist, can help me to move forward in this process. 🤞

@dracofirex 10 ай бұрын

If you're recovering and trying to clean a hoard chunk by chunk, you're not alone. I've been using Dana K White's decluttering process, it's good for the overwhelmed person. She has 5 steps, but they can be done in any order in any space at any time. If you're not up to all five, you can pick 1 or 2 things. Maybe it's a day where all you manage is to bag up one bag of trash and throw it out. Awesome! Better is good! I've found this super useful and others might too!

@Serena.Hope.Eternal 8 ай бұрын

Dracofirex, I thought of Dana K White for this too! Watching her videos on KZbin has been an absolute game-changer and lifesaver! Dana's system has helped me make the decisions needed to make changes in my home environment. Before the information I learned from Dana, I never could make the needed changes. I couldn't figure out how to make decisions on what to do with each item. The helpless overwhelm of it all kept me paralyzed. I highly recommend Dana K White's books and KZbin videos for anyone needing help with their physical environment. She is a fellow Texan. 🤠 🥰 💫 💙💛

@dracofirex 8 ай бұрын

@@Serena.Hope.Eternal Yeah, she's great! I've been able to forgive myself for being overwhelmed and having days where all I can do is try not to make my mess worse and maybe take out some garbage. Maybe it's a little better, maybe it's exactly the same, but it's NOT worse! Plus this method does not leave a big pile of things in the corner because your organizer told you to take everything out of the space first!

@carriecree1789 8 ай бұрын

@@dracofirexthe hardest thing is realizing that many people feel overwhelmed by their things, and their house is not always in perfect clean order either. I had a hard time growing up because I thought that nobody else had clutter in their home. As an adult now, I realize how different everyone lives in their own personal space. And sometimes it's perfectly fine to say, today, these things have a place, and that place is right where they are, until I have energy to change it and make it better. Nobody will be mad for me not putting away the shoes, or leaving the laundry pile. I am interested to read about this method you mentioned, I hadn't heard of it before.

@dracofirex 8 ай бұрын

@@carriecree1789 Yeah, sometimes I just have to do what little I can do and say well, at least it's better!

@heathertaylor8904 10 ай бұрын

It will never cease to amaze me that, even after 45 years of healing from a narcissistic mother and sociopathic father, there seems to be no end to the discoveries regarding how their abuse still affects my life. Just.. mind blowing.

@RubanLawrence Ай бұрын

Omg. I left my covert narcissist ex about 10 months ago, and we were togerher for about 3 years. When we met, I was organized, tidy, spontaneous, creative, and energetic. When I left, I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was fearful, panicky, and had completely become disorganized. It took between 6-8 months of HARD WORK to get my life back in order. I now feel like myself again, and the flashbacks and being chronically stressed are nearly faded out completely. My life is ORGANIZED again. My vehicles are always clean, my house is spotless, I cook and eat healthy food again, I am working full-time for the first time in two years again, and I have fully processed and organized the backlog of clutter in my life!