Stephen Colbert's Cyborgasm: CrowdStrike Crashes The World | AI Massages

Tech lover Stephen Colbert delivers expert analysis of the latest developments in robotics and artificial intelligence.
#Colbert #Comedy #Cyborgasm #AI #CrowdStrike #ArtificialIntelligence
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Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015.

[@annnee6818]

Can I just say that Louis Cato describing a male musician as "hauntingly beautiful" is one of the most wholesome things I've seen in a while?😊

[@OscarLangleySoryu]

He was calling his “creative soul” that.

[@AlbertAlbertB.]

No.

[@tammyd.970]

I was so glad it turned out to be a man. That made me even happier. I love this band. 100x better than before.

[@tammyd.970]

@@OscarLangleySoryu dude still owns his own soul. so i hear, anyway...

[@OscarLangleySoryu]

@@tammyd.970 wut

[@philgroves7694]

"... with a couch." OUCH! Well-played, Mr. Colbert ... well played, indeed!!

[@III-cs1rv]

They said being an IT is like an Internet janitor, nobody notices you until they start seeing shits everywhere.

[@heartofdawn2341]

Everything works well: "what are we paying you for?" Everything turns to shit: "what are we paying you for?!!"

[@bearbryant3495]

​@heartofdawn2341 Yeah but when you do something that's actually pretty simple but works really well, they treat you like you're Einstein for a couple weeks. I practically lived on Jolly Ranchers for a while.

[@Ian-ie3hy]

You need to be a foreigner to get a job in IT in usa....good luck on that 100 question personality test to be a walmart greeter 🤣🤣🤣 Funny cause truth

[@Derfboy]

​@@bearbryant3495It's almost like they only care about the profit margin....weird...lol. Especially the "what are we paying you for?" And when you say, "My proven skills and experience," they see it as a non-factor. And by the time they realize someone has to replace you, the idiot that "let you go" was promoted (cost saving genius!) and is now overseeing a revolutionary new concept of a dedicated "company paid" position for IT. Brilliant.

[@Ironraven001]

​@@Ian-ie3hyI've been in IT for 23 years. 😂 maybe you're just too dumb?

[@Martial-Mat]

Andrew Bird is a terrific musician. The song he did with his wife and son on this channel during lockdown was wonderful.

[@alanweis7856]

I can't find it. Where is it? I mean where is Andrew? Where is Bird? Where is music? Where is his wife? Where is his son? What about lockdown? Is this the right channel?

[@FarBear-by6rw]

​@@alanweis7856 you're Insufferable

[@SpaceForceCommander]

CrowdStrike sounds like a military bomb that does collateral damage.

[@NOTSURE-m9i]

AIPAC

[@Archgeek0]

Like that one munition with all the spinny bits and jets of molten copper?

[@waytoobiased]

someone tell Bibi about this...actually, maybe don't

[@NoahWei42]

latest item in all police inventories

[@ChazZeromus]

@@Archgeek0that’s a raytheon special

[@daylightrambler]

Friday, we found out at work that our coffee shop was the closest to the airport when, oddly enough, a crowd struck us.

[@emydonavan6254]

“With a couch…”

[@hadespuppy]

I understood that reference!

[@ShawnHartmann-ul2qk]

Cushion pushin’.

[@user-sv9nb8ky2t]

when Mr and Mrs Vance fight, JD actually wants to sleep on the couch

[@Styphon]

"Couch surfing" has a new meaning

[@DoctorProph3t]

That couch was my bitch

[@SpaceForceCommander]

Roomba has developed to Cat level, able to lick its own behind.

[@KerryBuchanan]

I love how gentle Louis' voice sounds. Such a stereotypical jazz musician's style of speaking lol

[@JadeValour]

The last bit with R2D2 almost had me spewing my hot chocolate all over my screen!😂

[@bobbarker1798]

Umm, hot chocolate😀

[@vennril]

That bit fuckng sent me lol

[@tomduckworth6430]

I was questioning the hot chocolate in July, but then I remembered I enjoy ice cream in January.

[@JadeValour]

@@tomduckworth6430 here Down Under in NZ it's winter!😊

[@tomduckworth6430]

@@JadeValour Well, I guess I’m the only weird one now

[@gl15col]

Oh, by the way Crowdstrike offered - no joke -$10 gift certificates as an apology for screwing up that bad. And then the gift certificates did not work. Lets see how long it takes for the CEO to pack a little cardboard box with all his desk contents while security waits to escort him out the building.

[@TheRealDuckofDeath]

I think, they sent the same Starbucks voucher to everyone, so, the first to use it got it.

[@philipc8280]

The bug and gaps and testing was their fault, but the widespread rollout was not

[@twanfox]

@@philipc8280 The reason this happened all at once, to everyone that used Crowdstrike is because it is essentially a 'definition update', something that ALL sensor versions would use. So whether you were 2 versions behind on the sensor or current, didn't matter. Everyone got hit identically. The only controls customers have is how many devices at a time get such content. By the time you noticed what the cause was, though, it was probably too late for at least half your systems, and that's if you got the right calls right away.

[@TheRealDuckofDeath]

@@philipc8280 CrowdStrike's software is maintained and updated from their own servers. They don't use Microsoft's app store.

[@cooldude672]

​@philipc8280 yes it was. They pushed the update bypassing update rules.

[@kujmous]

"Cyborg-while" deserved better 😂😂😂😂

[@calico27]

I thought he said that, but the lack of reaction confused me.

[@SpaceForceCommander]

I was hoping the A.I. Massage joke had a happy ending!

[@tubularap]

Yes, the ending felt a bit ... unfulfilled 🙂

[@user-sv9nb8ky2t]

ba dum tsss

[@lukegoffkat]

You only get that if you're on the couch.

[@rendratvandonkereschrijver2912]

haven't programed that feature in yet

[@christophermarshall527]

Mrs Couch has just announced that she is taking legal action against JD Vance

[@beymeester5593]

RIP Sonya Massey & our Prayers to her son.

[@Roberta-q1q]

If she'd said a southern "Bless your heart" would she be alive today? I wonder if "threatened" shooter knows what "rebuke" means.

[@VMohdude-]

@@Roberta-q1qwhat the fuck?

[@utubepunk]

​@@Roberta-q1qDoubtful. That cop would've used any excuse.

[@phelan_pt]

​@@Roberta-q1q what utubepunk said, he was already feeling threatened by her picking up the boiling water, after telling her to take care of it. He was extremely biased against her. 😢 Either that, or he believed he was possessed by a demon. I'm an atheist but his reactions in the video are not normal behaviour towards a woman you were called in to protect.

[@S1L3NTG4M3R]

Cops had no right to even enter her home... you can see that the sh00ter was up to know good, or he would have has his camera on. Watching the other cops video, you could see that it messed him up and he KNEW his partner was in the wrong.

[@NewMessage]

Fun Fact: that massage machine will hardly kill anyone. Barely anyone at all.

[@kg4wwn]

Which puts it a step above chiropractors.

[@jaredknapp8886]

Ti's but a scratch...

[@robbiewiliams1974]

@@jaredknapp8886” ‘Tis “

[@DetroitStorm]

asking for a "happy ending" would be like playing Russian Roulette

[@thomashager1424]

Why am I getting Kafka Penal Colony vibes?

[@Johnioan2]

"After a local clinic introduced an R2-D2-themed prostate exam, it saw a 1000% increase in appointments."

[@raygunsforronnie847]

I never knew R2D2 had a prostate!

[@Maliceah]

I love Andrew Bird! So happy you have him on tonight!

[@andrewstevenson118]

I once deleted an entire database by mistake. One click followed by another to confirm. Tens of thousands of dollars gone. Thank goodness for daily backups, but it was a very stressful few hours. EDIT I found myself wondering if I would need to increase my mortgage to cover the damage. Still have a bit of PTSD around it.

[@bearbryant3495]

Messing around with databases practically gave me hives, I never lost one but that didn't allay the heebie-jeebies.

[@philipc8280]

This is the fault of engineering leadership for giving write access to a prod db to anyone really

[@bearbryant3495]

@philipc8280 Our financial dB had 3 admins, me, my boss and the Finance Director. Guess what? They caught the FD fiddling around in it, among other stupid activities she was involved in.

[@krisfrederick5001]

Regarding the future past tense..."One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger..." -Mitch Hedberg 😂

[@heartofdawn2341]

Techbros always think AI and automation is the answer everything, without ever stopping to wonder if they are answering the right question, or even if there's a question at all.

[@catalinacurio]

The Japanese McDonald’s serves an ice cold mango juice it’s fantastic, if you visit it’s a must.

[@John_Doe____]

They've had "adult cream pie" on the menu, and despite the name, it was so damn good.

[@darlene5588]

Wish they try those items over here!

[@Spiritof_76]

@@John_Doe____ Those are typically always good.

[@music_YT2023]

I love Andrew Bird! I still have his Tiny Desk on repeat.

[@felichia808]

Anybody remember Y2K?

[@hadespuppy]

Turns out you can't prevent a global disaster, you can just delay it until it comes back a quarter century later from a different direction.

[@evatripp7788]

Yeah, My computer died whoever must have been one of the geniuses who thought the world would end on BYE 2000. But I d8d get a cute little green stuffed t2 guy to remember when my computer world died 😢😅😅😂

[@kaseyrolow]

I remember ppl talking about it but nothing happened lol.

[@calmyourmind5665]

Yeah. My cousin and I were daring young teens. We set the date on the computer’s task bar after December 31st, 1999 to see what would happen. The computer kept working and we declared, by our risk-taking, top notch, scientific research that it was an over reaction and nothing would happen.

[@ShawnHartmann-ul2qk]

The only thing that stopped working for me after Y2K was my old calendar.

[@baroquejen]

Aw, fabulous Andrew Bird! I remember seeing him live several times in tiny venues in Dubuque and Madison before he was famous. At the end of the Madison gig, he walked outside in the rain in his bare feet and spashed around for a minute before coming back in and packing up.

[@marshalzhukov4571]

Gotta love Andrew Bird!

[@michaelmoraga2926]

💜

[@beez1717]

I want Colbert to have the coffee maker from the intro in real life.

[@rendratvandonkereschrijver2912]

I would buy it and I don't even like coffee

[@ppa07]

What a joy to see Dr. Strings aka Andrew Bird!❤

[@RenataCantore]

Loving Andrew Bird 🐦 🐦‍⬛ ❤️ 🎉 🎸 ❤️

[@hepcatliz]

Oh! Andrew Bird in with the band! LOVE HIM ❤

[@christyrawlings8631]

Love the dig of JD Vance😂😂😂

[@chrisrj9871]

JD Vance, who did his own digging 😛

[@leannevandekew1996]

They definitely Struck the Crowd.

[@andykphoto]

That R2D2 joke definitely could have used an appropriately inappropriate sound bite 😂

[@non-exist-ent]

I would be honored for R2-D2 to do my prostrate exam. I might even be willing to pay double.

[@thelonesomefisherman7425]

Kinky

[@stevecarson4162]

The word for the gland is "prostate", with only one R. "Prostrate" with two Rs means lying flat and face down.

[@non-exist-ent]

@@stevecarson4162 It doesn’t matter to me what position I have to be in, it’s R2! 😜

[@non-exist-ent]

@@stevecarson4162 I’d like to blame spellcheck, but one can never be sure 😳 I honestly am thankful for the correction.

[@30meis]

Watching from Amsterdam and enjoying the humor every day 🎉

[@MarcKloos]

Watching from Vlissingen!

[@celinadavies]

​@@MarcKloos🙋‍♀️Lol..watching from Vancouver British Columbia 🍁🍁🇨🇦

[@MarcKloos]

@@celinadavies to keep it Dutch - Vancouver is named after the _Van Coevorden_ family, who originated from the Dutch town of Coevorden.

[@chrisrj9871]

There's plenty of it in the States, for sure!

[@wholeshebang1]

@@MarcKloos- I wasn't aware of that. I'm surprised that wasn't mentioned when fellow Toronto-born *Adam van Koeverden,* a *_four-time Olympic rowing medalist_* (over 3 Olympics: 2004, '08, '12) was in the news during coverage by our Canadian sports broadcasters - though I couldn't possibly have viewed _all_ coverage. Adam is now the *Liberal Party representative* in Milton, Ontario, not far from Toronto. 🍁🥇🥈🥉💦🛶

[@mistermaestersirthomas9164]

“It’s like shooting womp rats back home” “I don’t care what you smell”

[@SpaceForceCommander]

Windows computers did go on Strike, affecting many Crowds.

[@notme2day]

The outage affected the worldwide company my daughter works for. They work with companies and the people who are in drug trials. It's still fubar.

[@AwesomeFish12]

Yep and if your server is bitlocked or using encryption software(which it should) you are truly, truly screwed...Unless you can flash from a backup...but not everyone pays the extra to have that option available.... So yeah. This is the worst cyber-attack in history and it was due to incompetence, not even an attack. Crowdstrike is finished as a company after this. It's done.

[@raygunsforronnie847]

@@AwesomeFish12 CS also had M$ trusted 3rd party status to have kernel level access (needed for security apps to do their thing, kinda/mostly). That is was so easy to bork 8.5m machines, by accident, should scare the bejesus out of everyone. Had this been a nefarious actor we'd still be trying to get things back online. I'd not be surprised if various Three Letter Agencies have exploited this earlier as a gateway to modify a machine or install other spy-stuff.

[@philipc8280]

@@AwesomeFish12 Is Microsoft finished too? Cause they hold half the blame

[@NoahWei42]

there has been a ridiculously simple fix published since shortly after the occurrence. No issue for even the newest of IT personnel. If things are still messed up, it is the users fault not CS's. Only reason Delta for example still has effects is because they are an airline so one delay snowballs down the road.

[@apoxalex]

Andrew Bird!!!!!! Bowl of fire!

[@ScribeoftheGods]

Great to see Andrew Bird sit in!

[@CanadianSmoke]

When The Donald eventually fires JD, he can start his own furniture business selling couches, he can call it, Virgin Loveseats by JD.

[@danm9006]

We'll there be a guarantee that it's really a virgin?

[@sedg83]

No one is going to believe they're ... Untouched

[@japoniano]

Fun fact: in Latin America because we pirate software and have terrible cybersecurity the Crowdstrike crash didn't affect us directly

[@lindayanez9519]

Wow! It worked in your favor!

[@petercolbeysgameshowmania7176]

May I ask where you’re from?

[@japoniano]

@@petercolbeysgameshowmania7176 Nice try FBI!

[@dvlduvall]

Andrew Bird!! "Are You Serious"!?

[@landonewts]

I can just hear Clippy now: “It looks like you’re trying to cripple an airport. Would you like help?”

[@hereigoagain5050]

Much respect for Stephen's support of musical talent. Wish he did the same for comics by using "correspondents" and guest hosts; plus it would lighten his load.

[@rikkiechambers4959]

Wait wouldn’t that just make it the daily show ?? Why would he want to make his show like theirs .. when people can choose both ?

[@hereigoagain5050]

@@rikkiechambers4959 True, but the host's personality, writers, and production team matter more than the format. I'd rather watch guest hosts than no shows when Colbert can't make it.

[@laalaa99stl]

Poor R2DPoo

[@VeggieNatureGirl]

So cool Andrew Bird was there! Love his music

[@forgottenfamily]

That is not the probe you're looking for

[@bookbwitched6823]

Not dang! I so love Andrew Bird's music

[@Chunkboi]

R2-D2 prostate exams. What’s next? The lightsaber colonoscopy? And what happens if the doctor discovers cancer? “I’m sorry to say you’re going to become more powerful than I can possibly imagine.”

[@lisagulick4144]

I dunno...those polyps wouldn't stand a chance. Might have a problem at that first bend, though.

[@janmorgan471]

thank goodness for colbert

[@solomonrex3955]

Jackal here: you don't click QR codes

[@themadengineer1050]

I absolutely love the writers and the delivery on this segment 😂

[@t.d108]

Please, PLEASE keep Cyborgasam going VERY regularly. 🙏 We Americans ever so desperately need Science News - in a spoonful of sugar or a “Say whaaaat?” laugh! Keep it coming, PLEASE❣️ (And no, I’m not a Science teacher, just a concerned citizen.)

[@kimborealis]

I am reminded of the Orgasmatron. A device featured in Woody Allen's "Sleeper".

[@AndrewJohnson-oy8oj]

The rhing about AI diagnosis is that humans and AI make different kinds of errors, so the best overall results were from humans and AI working together.

[@lisagulick4144]

AI might be better than a doctor at detecting your cancer...but is it better than your dog?

[@AndrewJohnson-oy8oj]

@@lisagulick4144 Maybe that's the dream team, a doctor, an AI, and several dogs.

[@lisagulick4144]

@@AndrewJohnson-oy8oj Actually, I worry that the AI will over-diagnose. It could say that a harmless sebaceous cyst is a malignant cancer, thus pressuring the hapless patient to pay for an operation they don't need. Sounds like a scam to funnel more money to for-profit hospitals. I'm waiting to see how this goes. In the meantime, trust your dog if he sniffs at some part of you and whines.

[@thaphreak]

He puts the "R" in R2D2!

[@jacara1981]

The Crowdstrike fix is actually easy and can be done in just a few mins. Even faster with the USB boot program MS released to fix it.

[@NCandHR]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="82">1:22</a> My Dog totally responds to this sound every time haha! CYBORGASM beginning when the skull makes the deep sound. Anyone elses dog respond?!

[@wkyrouz]

Love seeing Ars Technica quoted by Colbert

[@SmolFrogge]

'The future is now which presently in the past' Ok. Which writer was watching kung fu panda

[@HerbertLandei]

I'm sure there was a "happy end" joke waiting in the massage robot bit...

[@jw8160]

And the R2D2 joke. 😂

[@mikemcconeghy4658]

Remember the microwave fireplace? You could enjoy an entire evening in front of a cozy, crackling fire in just two minutes.

[@jw8160]

😂 That is only if you used the preset "Cozy Fire". It is not recommended to use that setting since it doesn't evoke sufficient feelings of relaxation. It's recommended to use the manual setting for maximum comfort.

[@feralhomunculus]

I feel like the couch jokes will never get old.

[@raygunsforronnie847]

"No honey, really, I got it for a couch cushion!"

[@GoldenEdgedGreg]

Saw Andrew Bird live a couple years ago when he was using pedals to loop a violin and whistle and sing along with the loops, it was and still is one of the most impressive solo artist I’ve ever seen. 2007.

[@michaelstevenfriedlander4583]

I though Brat Summer would last longer.

[@Sjalabais]

The AI massage thing looking like factory robots merely restrained from killing you will surely help its popularity.

[@AndyGneiss]

Seriously. "What about bone fractures? Those robotic arms are too strong." "That's a feature, not a bug!"

[@tjjames9846]

I think JD Vance would really enjoy that massage table!

[@harleyclawson7639]

That CYBORGASM graphic felt like a page straight out of Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

[@eddieohearn17]

A massage with no happy ending it’ll never work

[@lukegoffkat]

You have to be laying on the couch first!

[@AND-od5jt]

The crowd was confused by the "click the CR code" :D

[@TheDriedfrogpills]

The horror movies that are gonna involve the ai massage machines 😂 it's the new tanning beds

[@lashendawest7509]

Good morning stephen colbert fans

[@AlRam-m7g]

Andrew Bird is such an underrated musical legend

[@NancyPower33]

@<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="205">3:25</a> Anyone else think of "Whisper In Your Eyes" by the fictional boy band Boyz4Now (Bob's Burgers)? "Close your lips And open your eyes I want your eyes to hear my lips, And also my eyes"

[@michaelccopelandsr7120]

Best way to load a virus or subroutine.

[@notyou8397]

Stephen, I personally like the phrase “ fool me once shame on you fool me twice. Try try try try again.”

[@yournameismyname3905]

Just had a great sandwich.

[@Alex-js5lg]

Andrew Bird is the musical guest tonight? _Are you serious? Are, you, serious?_

[@kraakenhex8459]

Dude I LOVE Andrew Bird!!!!!!!!! Ya'll listen to Nervous Tic Motion of The Head to The Left - it's a song he has.

[@igorschmidlapp6987]

CrowdStrike... Best ad for Linux/UNIX ever... ;-P

[@jw8160]

Not really. Their product is also available on Linux and MacOS. Fortunately, this time, the software problem only affected Windows.

[@zoeherriot]

Can confirm - could not buy McDonalds in Japan last week - was annoyed. I really needed a Cheese Locomoco burger.

[@Buckboy2024]

I do love me some locomoco. First enjoyed in Honolulu.

[@zoeherriot]

@@Buckboy2024 Japan has a serious love affair with Hawaiian influenced burgers. :)

[@atticussfinch9001]

Roomba! Couch… 👏👏👏😂

[@patriciamurfitt4590]

Was not going to comment but you had to make me laugh and smile so much 😅😅😅 thanks honey 🥰

[@deborahcorso940]

Andrew Bird’s music is hauntingly beautiful indeed.

[@pixelfairy]

At <a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="180">3:00</a> keep in mind Amazon owns Roomba.

[@TheRealDuckofDeath]

That deal got nixed by the EU.

[@seanwebb605]

R2D2 can perform your prostate exam, but 3CP0 will be telling him the odds of successfully navigating through that asshemorrhoids field.

[@GrahamCrannell]

<a href="#" class="seekto" data-time="217">3:37</a> - "Cyborgwhile..." got *nothing* from the audience and that's a damn shame 🤣

[@missdarque]

How does the happy ending work with the massage robot?

[@infamousElle]

Talking glasses? Great. Now I will never be alone. Ever.

[@carolyncarlson6410]

And all this time I thought a squirrel got into the Crowdstrike server facility just looking for new home... It's all fun n games till poor Chippy bites the wrong wire No Chippy No! ZzzzzBANG! Poor Chippy :(

[@kyReeElainProhm]

Grocery chains in Australia also shut down. Still having issues

[@pageharris5693]

It crashed our locker kiosks in the waterpark. Swearing was the guest theme of the day.

[@AwesomeFish12]

The R2D2 probe joke made me laugh much harder than it should have.

[@Chunkboi]

You know something went wrong when during the exam, you hear a muffled “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope…”

[@jarls5890]

"Roomba that can wash it's own mop" - wth, my Roborock has been washing...AND drying...its own mop for years!

[@mason96575]

Interesting… I’ve looked it up- it’s only $219? I May be grabbing one…thank you!

[@Alexis84DE]

What??? Roborocks are like 800 euro here where I live! Send me one please, that’s a bargain

[@slarson231]

Speedway and Starbucks were down in my town.

[@BowBeforeTheAlgorithm]

NGL That Burger sounds delicous

[@d.m.conroy6717]

good preamble

[@RealEstateRonFL]

never thought I'd be clenching at a picture or R2-D2 but here we are...

[@barrettpickett5603]

Would have been funny if a robot is on the message table while the robot is giving a hot stone message