David Brooks in conversation with Ray Suarez | How to know a person

“There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen-to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”
-David Brooks
Discover the art of truly understanding others with David Brooks. In this insightful talk, Brooks explores the challenges of human connection and offers practical advice on how to bridge the gap. Drawing from psychology, neuroscience, theater, philosophy, history, and education, he presents a holistic approach to seeing and being seen. Join us as Brooks shares essential questions: How can we truly know someone? What conversations should we have? What parts of their story matter most? Explore these questions and more as Brooks sheds light on the path to deeper connections and a more empathetic society. Don't miss this enlightening talk at The Commonwealth Club World Affairs in Silicon Valley.
NOTES
Photo by Howard Schatz and Beverly Ornstein.
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[@ciliagalasso4745]

My father told a story of when he and my mother travelled with a group from Ukraine to Russia back in 1990. No one was talking to each other so at a stop he bought a bottle of vodka which he shared with the group and started singing La Vie En Rose. Everyone joined him, each one singing in his own language, and had a beautiful train ride together getting to know each other. This is my father, a people person and a terrific teacher for me as to how to approach life.

[@icd625]

Listened to your interview this morning. Went to a big shopping center in Canberra, Australia. A little girl, 2 y old?, appeared walking along the corridor, looked like she was following a couple. She looked lost. I started following her, and noticed at least 5 women paying attention too. One held her hand and the 5 of us re-traced her steps, about 100 m until her Dad appeared. I remembered your talk. It gave me faith!

[@NikiFoxE]

I do agree about the power of the small moments that Mr. Brooks cites. I have found that using the name of clerks, cashiers, nurses, receptionists and baristas--who are required by their employers to wear a nametag--is deeply satisfying. In some cases, I have had people break into tears because of the rarity with which they are called by name in a pleasant fashion, because it's usually only the angry customers or patients that take advantage of their name tag for complaints.

[@gmc22340]

I deed, yes, as a Toast.aster, during Table Topics one time, I asked me.bers what was the most important word they could ever hear. If I recall correctly, none answered correctly. Of course all of you listening to David's talk now know, it's hearing your name (ideally spoken in a caring tone😮).😂

[@turnercommunicationsgroupLLC]

Two of my heroes of public television and radio. Thank you both!

[@TimothyNapoleon]

I am just another human trying to help my family and community. The “why” and the “how” we got here is complicated but simple to me…we’ve forgotten we were human. Over the last however many years we’ve created all of these systems that govern our lives but have not focused on the development of the human mind. All human minds, all of them! Alvin Toffler in Future Shock breaks down the dangers of this path we are on, in my opinion. I am not an intellectual, I’m just looking for answers like the next person. Take care and stay safe!

[@doug3819]

How we got here, maybe my answer is simplistic but I think there are many answers, devices that took us away from people, cable TV, video games, internet, smart phones, computers, crime has made people afraid, church attendance is almost nonexistent, the death of small grocery stores, the same with hardware stores. Lastly the growth of large conglomerates, Walmart, Costco and others at the expense of small retailers. Obviously there are other factors.

[@SolaceEasy]

A call for authenticity. Refreshing.

[@kokolanza7543]

What a great guy. So much to think about in this discussion, will watch it over. The idea that there are two conversations going on with every conversation - one the surface topic, and the other the vibes communicating between the two (or however many) people. Thank you - I enjoy Ray Suarez as well. The insight into how much the US is class based is worth being aware of. The large number of people with NO close friends. These relationship problems must be closely related with the violence in US society. The years ahead are going to bring enormous problems with mass migrations, so relations will become more important but more difficult. In the past 250 years humans have changed their external world. The time has come to change our internal world. ♥

[@chardilbert8535]

Bravo David! You have inspired me!

[@dennisspurgeon4187]

I have followed David Brooks on the PBS Newshour for years. He is a deep and logical thinker. I am looking forward to reading his book!

[@karlastreeter7448]

David Brooks… you’re amazing. Thank you for teaching us about being a better human. ❤️

[@bethleslie3994]

Excellent! Thank you for this interview.

[@almasabbasali]

My respect and love for both David Brooks and Ray Suarez for this meaningful discussion on so many important areas David talked about. These topics make us feel and value human aspects which are so important in every day normal life to live and cherish about as everyone of us deserves happiness, prosperity and peace, and I pray that these are also extended in the war-stricken areas where people are suffering which we can see from distance but can only pray for their salvation.

[@dianaanthony2981]

The Voice that speaks to me in the Wee Hours just last week told me to lie on the floor next to someone and talk baby talk, or sweet talk to them. Being on the floor is humbling and disarming.

[@LivinginCentralNewJersey-ep4bq]

We do need more people to be curious

[@mirafister-tadic7336]

I have always been a person who was interested in people. I sometimes overask and intimidate but make sure to share my story too. In my Eastern European culture that just showed how we want to connect to you and know where you are in life to give a hand without asking. ( example: funerals ) I felt really sad returning to Canada and US after, that people were just thinking me as invasive and inappropriate at times. My good friend gave me this book and I am enjoying every bit of it and this is my journey now to figure out how to help and be there for those who really need it and not to be used. I enjoyed this youtube video aswell, Thank you. I want to be there for people, the way they need me and to do my best to "know a person".

[@juliacichon7125]

Sometimes people think you are being 'nosey' when asking questions so it's a good way to start by saying where you grew up or how long you've lived here or there.

[@melbascott7740]

I can't wait to read your book, David Brooks. I really enjoyed this interview, even though it's 2:00 in the morning and I was just getting up to go to the bathroom. I think I'll introduce it at church today as a selection for a small reading group. Thanks, to both of you!

[@maureenchen4043]

It was entertaining to hear how he got to know a person deeply; it’s different than just listening carefully to a person talk about some topic. It’s asking curiosity question such as about the background for his political views, or asking a question about some narrative about his life. I usually don’t know about people until they’re so happy or sad to share some good or bad news with me. Then I would ask about it when I see them again. Asking strangers on a plane about their lives are fun, but it would be more fun to know and to understand people more deeply than superficially in various group activities I participate in.

[@maureenchen4043]

Thanks, David!!

[@BeautyAnarchist]

I have trouble with socializing so having a book that teaches how to understand people actually is the best thing that could ever happen to me

[@juliacichon7125]

Being socially awkward can be a charming trait.

[@justgivemethetruth]

I just saw this as a podcast, and your conversation was great. So many thoughts occurred to me during this conversation that I cannot get out in a YT comment, but thanks, I think the country needs reminding that we are, we have to be, a country, and we are not doing well. I felt a lot of that had to do with politics, and specifically the Republicans ( David Brooks ) party, but it is not all the Republicans. The equality divide being mentioned was interesting, as I always watch David Brooks on PBS Newshour, and now I think of his Zooming from his obviously opulent house wherever, and I wonder where he is coming from - though he does seem sincere and concerned. I just hope something happens to turn this around, and I think it has to do with everyone realizing that last realization from David, the quote from James Baldwin about, when you look at another person, that could be you, and how his party, that he has explained and supported have been separating from economically and politically and then blaming - and I wonder if that connects with the awful rabid antisemitism we see, as somehow that gets detoured to Jews in a way, because I just don't get it. I really appreciate this ... and I do hope David Brooks has gained a little depth to himself! ;-)

[@talkwench340]

I know this comment may be viewed as shallow but I looove his laugh.

[@ellenvanderveer5208]

This has been such an encouraging enlightening interview for me, I work as a Guidance Counselor. How do I find out about the class David mentioned he and his wife are teaching in the spring?

[@laurelton236]

David, Perhaps you've talked with Marsha Sinetar? More than 20 years ago her books "Do What You Love the Money Will Follow" and "Developing a 21st Century Mind"...she made a huge difference in my life. I recently found that she too has some insights into life in the senior years.☺

[@jeffreyarmbruster4670]

Hi Mr. Brooks: I'm reading John Barclay's Paul and the Gift. It's relevant to this discussion. A leading notion is 'gift' as being reciprocal, not one sided. Gifts aren't always top down and anonymous. Giving can open each one of us to the other. Still, giving involves risk and non-reciprocation. "trust" is the 'other' translation of 'faith' that Barclay emphasizes ("pistis" in the original Greek.) giving yourself away intro and with others who give back. Talking to strangers is a form of faith, or trust etc. w

[@karinlukas7041]

Mansplaining at a new level. It is interesting when cerebral and intellectual people discover emotional intelligience, instinct and intuition than most women have had all along

[@racheldavis4264]

if you are only READING the text... A heads up there are errors (i.e. shows "ministers" instead of actual work he said "diminishers" ). If you are @The Commonwealth Club representative can you please double check the full recording for accurate text

[@michaeltimpanaro5622]

Well said.

[@jayhoffman6899]

Listening to this a little a while and first thing that comes to my mind, is this a technology thing like social media of all kinds. I believe we are living in an isolationist society and this is why we have such high depression etc…

[@ashourinamirzayof1727]

I was talking to a neighbor, very nice younger woman, and mid-conversation which was maybe one minute, she got on her phone and totally ignored me. I even said, "She you later." She didn't even look up. Cell phone addiction is getting so big and alarming. I wonder if she might even know how that made me feel or even what she did?

[@juliacichon7125]

Yes it is difficult when a nice conversation is halted but don't take it personal. I heard somewhere not to be bothered by rude people, be more concerned about how you treat people, not how they treat you.

[@jclar7210]

This topic should be mandatory, it's so upsetting getting into a train or public transportation in Chicago for example and everyone has their headphones on, it's the world we live in, it's pretty pathetic, 20 years ago or more it wasn't like this

[@juliedahl1892]

How do people even approach others today. Guns, knives, addicts, anger, no trust, no common sense??? Where’s the morals, respect, kindness??? Some people are really selfish. Do unto others , what you would want them to do unto you.. What even happened to that feeling??

[@jjones7219]

I think part of his point is that we have to try. Also, I don't think everyone is carrying guns and knives or that no one has common sense etc. Rather the opposite, in my experience anyway

[@davegriese7909]

This is why we need RFK

[@LivinginCentralNewJersey-ep4bq]

On Mass transit; Trains they should have at least 1 car that is set up so as if it was set up like a diner; booth style and facing each other for conversation.....

[@NikiFoxE]

In about 1998, Mr. Brooks, the YMCA, Search Institute and Character Counts pitched you about their joint research on children. It was entitled "Hardwired to Connect." It seems like your progress as a person might have benefited from paying more attention. You were not alone--the coverage of the release and National Press Club event was disturbingly paltry.

[@dianaanthony2981]

MAYBE, Just maybe atheism is still in the land of belief? What happened to you ad you described is the Land of Knowing? Because you know what happened to you?

[@oliverjamito9902]

Students what is political opinions unto all the Who am I? Ye can see the results. Many making noises yet not knowing why making noises? Disregarding my Heirs commanded to provide free space and room to grow! From here grows! These same minds has set underfoot grace! As far to tempt and to provoke! As far will say look can murder nor abort thy Hiers innocents little Minds God's glory in front of thee! Heirs and Angels who persevere knows the commands given since...till. time given likewise will accomplish as intended. Till...time remains nor time no longer.

[@ScotCampbellwindowpainter]

10,000 different Gods

[@householdone7559]

Great... 320 pages though... is that necessary? What was wrong with 200 pages?

[@lancebrown5531]

David Brooks is great but nowadays, with a positive attitude, you run the risk of being accused of being 'woke'. Somehow this is a bad thing for many folks that don't understand what it really means.

[@NikiFoxE]

Ouch! You blew it on the Midwest question. No wonder you are hearing the flyover comment so much more often. UIC and Northwestern MBAs and their consulting firms aren't worthy enough for you? They are doing a great job of also reinforcing the elitism that you merely describe, instead of descry. 😢

[@shermanefouche4162]

He's male. He's come a long way in understanding but remember, he can't know our perspective.

[@janetdavidson4619]

Yup. A challenge for you, David Brooks (whom I truly enjoy, by the way, but ...), find a good-sized, but not huge, city in the heartland (Lincoln, Nebraska?), and teach classes there, in the state university, with some occasional public lectures or, better, some mini-courses at the local community college over the course of a semester or year. And report on the experience. It would be good for you and them and us.

[@SausalitoVicki]

Mansplaining “Old Wives’ Wisdom” about how to connect with others.

[@NikiFoxE]

Here, here! It feels like such a backward-looking insistence on a return to "the good old days" that never were--especially for girls and women.

[@NikiFoxE]

Also, feels like a less well substantiated version of another white male author's Bowling Alone.

[@NikiFoxE]

Back in extended family days in the 1960s, the politeness that Brooks describes included girls like me and my cousins being forced to submit to kissing, groping hugs and lapsitting with creepy uncles. Also, as someone whose mentally ill godmother died from suicide, Brooks' labeling of "Crazy Aunt" is triggering and hurtful. And Suarez's grim "I know your mother" was code in my neighborhood for, "And she's going to beat the crap out of you." 😢

[@RavenVapor873]

Try listening to this again when you're feeling good. Try hearing it without your thoughts running in the background. I didn't hear anything you did. IDK, maybe take a walk and then listen once more. I hope you will hear what I did. 😊💜

[@user-cm1eo7yj6j]

Liked hearing of what he shared on socialization, him saying, hard to take in, things that are said about Biden, Obama are not true? 😂 wow on that one, ha if he really is a supported of a President that doesn't have a glue on guiding our country in so many ways! Just saying.

[@marcusaurelius9123]

glue?

[@RavenVapor873]

​@@marcusaurelius9123I think she meant to write clue.

[@NikiFoxE]

Don't glorify the past, please. I was born in en in 1960, and the prior generations were even WORSE about friendship, family and debate than the folks that I incorporated in the chosen family around which I formed my adulthood. I appreciate the aspirational tone of your book, Mr. Brooks. But please face forward with a desired future. For a critical example, in the 1960s and before, simply being left-handed in a parochial school was treated as a moral failing by the majority of adults around me--much the same as children's gender-expansive nature is being crushed in many places today.

[@johnperrin6341]

David Brooks is not a smart man

[@marcusaurelius9123]

He's more admired than you. Sorry

[@RavenVapor873]

According to you ⁉️ I have never heard of him before. I have really enjoyed this and it's because of him. I like him. See how easy that was? 😊 If I didn't enjoy it I could just go onto something else.