Comphet vs Compulsory Heterosexuality

This video serves as a sequel to "Am I a Lesbian: The Comphet Masterdoc and Bisexaulity" ( • Am I a Lesbian: The Co... ). In this one I explore some of the criticisms I recieved for the original video as well as the relationship of "comphet" to the original meaning.
This is probably the last time I'll address this issue! I just wanted to respond to some of the criticisms now that I have more insight into the culture surrounding comphet.
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[@sofianandama1946]

“ I don’t think the LGBTQ rights movement is meant to be about identity, I think it’s meant to be about freedom” YES

[@sayven]

I also think that if it were less about identity, the problem of desperately wanting to label yourself accurately would disappear.

[@Zaaalbar]

YAS

[@lulul0l039]

: D true. (And lol apparently instaportal is a scam, loving it‹3

[@someonesomeone25]

I've given up caring about labels ... all I know is that I want to live and love within a safe and respectful multi-gendered cross-dressing and highly attractive polecule with my tulpas and doll. No idea what that is called.

[@countessofalava6532]

Yeeeees!!

[@fredly5795]

What I understood : society fucked us up so much with their "holy heterosexuality" that everyone is confused and now people are fighting each other for labels/identities

[@exyzt9877]

the way you described it makes it sound like it's an apocalypse caused by a religious organization, and now I want someone to write something going in-depth about this with that concept.

[@bloodcottoncandy]

@@exyzt9877 In a way we are in a spiritual apocalypse because of capitalism and comphet

[@Rulyanna]

excatly it makes it so difficult to figure out yourself it makes me confused to.

[@decembervyne6541]

Like most bisexuals, I already struggle to pin down my sexuality and seeing “comphet” posts on tumblr has really made it worse. I’m sure it’s helpful for many people but it really dismisses many bisexual experiences (but what else is new lol)

[@anna_in_aotearoa3166]

The 'lesbian master-doc' described here definitely seems super-reductive, and very ignoring of the range of possibilities around bisexuality?? 🤔 It must be very confusing for people who are relatively new to exploring their sexuality, and who don't realise the potential breadth of human variation?

[@Em-jc7ct]

I was comfortable being bi until I saw comphet going around online. It completely threw me into a spiral and made my past internal biphobia return and be worse. It was extra confusing as I'm also demisexual to only men. Making me feel that actually my demi-ness to men was simply the time it took me to convince myself I was in love with a man. This video has greatly helped stomp out all that anxiety. I'm bisexual. I love my boyfriend. All is good. I know myself better than an article online does.

[@allyas]

I think this all boils down to sexuality not being a choice, but choosing how you label yourself. I ID as a lesbian, but someone with my exact experiences might call themselves bisexual. I chose lesbian, because it fits my reality and future prospects, as I have no interest in pursuing a man ever again although I did in the past.

[@ariaurre]

This is an awesome perspective. I ID'd as a lesbian for 5 years & recently came out as bi & was met with backlash from the lesbian community, a community I used to feel so safe & identified so passionately in :( I try to say my sexuality didn't change, but the language I use to describe it changed, so why did the backlash begin when I changed my label, but before when I used to say"I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian but who knows!" it was all welcoming? Why are people so gatekeep-y to labels when they're just words that people with VARIOUS experiences can use? Sorry for my essay lolol, I felt I was the antithesis of your same experience & wanted to share :)

[@allyas]

@@ariaurre Oh my god, people can be so shitty, I'm sorry. It all boils down to biphobia and people not getting that labels can change even if your sexuality didn't. Like, most lesbians ID'd as straight at least for some time before coming out and stopped once they recognised that they're gay.

[@zonk35]

I used to identify as bisexual, however I was quite straight passing until I realized I want to identify as queer because that word and label resonates with me. Bisexual women are always torn down by hetero men, sexualized and invalidated for being attracted to the same women they are. ugh.

[@whensarahdoesthings4662]

Yes exactly, sexuality is born, labels are chosen xx

[@amyvee1264]

I love this ideal! Yes, although I did end up marrying a man (now divorcing) and had a child with them, I know that pursuing men is not my objective for the future. Not because he ruined men for me or something, but because I realized I had settled to be with a man when I really wanted to spend my life with a woman.

[@justinemitcham1037]

The master doc did help me to realize I’m a lesbian who has experienced comphet for most my life, but I also really enjoyed your video critiquing the doc. I didn’t realize how offended some lesbians would get about your picking it apart, because for me it mostly just affirmed that I am in fact not bisexual, I am a lesbian. Just like you said, if the validity of your lesbianism is the doc, and the doc is questioned, I guess some would feel threatened because then their identities are being questioned. I also thought the faceless man joke was funny, cuz I did use to envision just a male body with no particular facial features when I was younger, and if you can’t laugh at yourself then you’ll just go crazy. But ik I can’t speak for everyone.

[@PotatoHero524]

I’m genuinely sick of the idea that same-sex relationships are inherently healthier it’s really insulting to those of us who have survived abuse from a same-sex partner.

[@noelephantitis]

I wonder if same-sex domestic abuse is underreported and/or gets scant attention

[@leightoncroft4152]

@@noelephantitisIm a social work student and in my limited experience cops take dv way less seriously in same sex couples especially lesbians

[@thomasmurphy9429]

Homophobic

[@portorosso8222]

i'm so sorry to hear that you were attacked for your video, and i'm hope you've been able to recover from it :(. i watched it as a bisexual and it really resonated with me as someone who had been repressing my bisexuality for years under the idea that i needed to be "gay enough" for the LGBT community -- an idea that had been pushed on me since i was 12 and first made contact with an online LGBT community. there needs to be more compassion for people in these positions, bisexual, gay, lesbian, or otherwise, because that experience is really othering. i feel like the internet has put this emphasis on needing to know someone's sexuality right then and there, when in reality, a lot of younger people might not even have a grasp of what sexuality is because.... well they're young. most cishet people don't even have that figured out until they're much older! basically what i'm saying here is -- thank you so much for your videos. they're so well thought out and well spoken, and i know that they mean a lot to the people who have watched and will watch in the future. your takes are really refreshing

[@laur7841]

A friend of mine also had this mindset. We were talking about the slur ,,faggot´´ and about its use. My bisexual friend then said that they felt bad using the word EVEN THO they are bi. They said that they seem ,,not gay enough,, to be able to use it and even said that they wished to hopefully be gay someday. And as a probably lesbian (tbh I just call myself queer, labels are exhausting), I had to tell them that the LGBT community is not a competition. We gotta support each other and each label. So, you have all my support, dear bisexuals.

[@phoenixfreefall]

Growing up in a climate of bi-erasure, I never felt I was gay enough to not be straight. I knew I had attractions towards women, but had much less opportunity to pursue girls I was actually interested in than I had with guys. Given prevailing attitudes that bi people are just confused, I assumed I was straight for a very long time. I didn't actually come out as bi until I was 30 and realized I had been talking about having "girl-crushes" for years without ever validating them as being just as real as crushes on men.

[@skorqion_art]

This Document fucked me up for the past week. I was so confused and scared I was not being honest to my partner. I didn't even consult him, because I didn't wanna trigger his deep rooted abandonment issues. I feel like I can finally rest now and just focus on living my bi, confusing life again. I

[@personunknown19]

Yeah

[@personunknown19]

@@ἀγάπη-ο6υ I labeled myself queer

[@skorqion_art]

@@ἀγάπη-ο6υ Thank your for illuminating that one. I think that one was the worst for me! I get a little easily, because I was being bullied when growing up and so when a boy is nice to me now, it makes me think they must like me because I am not used to them just being decent human beings. And because I never considered being attracted to women, I only ever had them on boys, until one day ^^

[@monsterhighfan144]

To make you feel better this document is dismissive towards straight women with sexual trauma too and some of the points are a HUGE REACH. Like its okay to be straight and not want to date men it's literally a dating preference. Also the girl who wrote this came out as bi

[@monsterhighfan144]

@@skorqion_art that normal because I feel the same way towards boys growing up. You just got to remember boys in middle school are trash but it can lead to some trauma later in life.

[@SiraSpirit]

Bisexual women (or women who think they might be bisexual) are literally half the target audience. How is the master doc supposed to work otherwise? Anyway, you're doing amazing work, thank you for your videos

[@mccabe1113]

exactly, theres no point in the target audience being lesbians because they are already lesbianss

[@SiraSpirit]

"women" was probably too narrow a word to use, sorry about that

[@Bonniebelle_00__]

Lol the confusion, keep watching I just started the video

[@spidermansbffl]

@@mccabe1113 The thing is, as a lesbian, I can still experience comphet, as do so many other lesbians, even if we are absolutely certain we are. I've always been pressured by my homophobic dad to "enjoy men, you're a fucking women", and it confused me for so long. It made me feel like I OWED men something, and women were thrown out of the picture. It caused me to question myself, and my brain started to call me fake, and that I was Bi. It's fixed when I realise that the thought of being with a man, sexually or romantically, actually repulses me. But thinking of women gives me euphoria, and makes me feel so good within myself, and I know that's who I truely am. I hope this explains a bit!

[@mccabe1113]

@@spidermansbffl But thats the thing if you are labelling yourself as a lesbian then are comfortable being with a woman / non man, if you are labelling yourself as Bi but experience comphet chances are you were never bi to begin with, my comment meant that regardless of how you label your self your true attraction is lesbianism and comphet to me at least sounds like a way to convince bi people that they need to pick a side

[@kling.klokje]

Thank you so much for this video, I’m an autistic bisexual and I really struggle with recognising my own emotions and whether or not the attraction I experience is true or not. Plus I’m kinda isolated from all of my queer friends rn and questioning my gender (it’s a lot). But I love hearing your voice (even though I sometimes don’t understand the things you’re talking about) and watching you really feels validating to my own sexuality. I hope you’re doing better now after your masterdoc video. Have a lovely night!

[@kafka9627]

me too!!!!

[@Scaryflexible]

I relate to this a lot. I'm autistic too and I'm constantly questioning my sexuality and my gender. It's a mess!

[@bananewane1402]

Bruh I feel you 😔

[@maldon3659]

I'm the same and it's awful, I have constant anxiety all the time and it's ruining my appetite to the point that i vomited out my food one time, in fact it pretty much ruins my ability to enjoy anything

[@danhentschelfan]

I relate to literally all of that :/

[@nor5673]

i’m so glad i came across this video. as a bi person myself i agree with pretty much everything you said. i also wanted to add that i definitely experience comphet, and i don’t understand where the idea comes from that bi people can’t? if it wasn’t for comphet and heteronormativity it wouldn’t have taken me almost 20 years to even realize that i’m not straight. even now, having accepted my sexuality for the most part, i still experience doubts about my attraction to genders other than men all the time. the bisexual experience is very complex and i really dislike the way some people (both in and outside of the lgbt community) reduce it to basically “gay light” bc we have the option to be in a “straight-passing” relationship (which is a questionable concept on its own and also erases non-binary and gnc people). it’s incredibly frustrating and i’m happy to see someone talk about it

[@hel.v5739]

How do u as a bi person experience comphet?

[@Mysweetamelia]

That’s heteronormativity not comphet

[@nor5673]

@@Mysweetamelia i've actually realized that i'm most likely a non-binary lesbian since writing this comment lmao. so maybe that's why the idea of comphet resonated so much with me even though i identified as bi. i now understand the unique feeling of comphet that only really lesbians can experience, which is thinking you like men when you actually don't, mostly bc of societal pressure. but bi people, especially bi girls and enbies, are also pressured to focus on their attraction to the opposite gender the most, even if it's really unimportant to them. bi people often figure out their same-gender attraction later their opposite-gender attraction due to societal pressure, even though the same-gender attraction might feel stronger or more important to them. you could argue that's just heteronormativity ofc, since they're not lesbians and so can't experience comphet, but i think it's fundamentally the same concept. and i don't really see the advantage in gatekeeping a term in these cases. so that's my updated opinion i guess? lesbians have a unique experience with comphet, but the mechanisms that affect bi girls and enbies are fundamentally often the same

[@nor5673]

​@@hel.v5739 i've actually realized that i'm most likely a non-binary lesbian since writing this comment lmao. so maybe that's why the idea of comphet resonated so much with me even though i identified as bi. i now understand the unique feeling of comphet that only really lesbians can experience, which is thinking you like men when you actually don't, mostly bc of societal pressure. but bi people, especially bi girls and enbies, are also pressured to focus on their attraction to the opposite gender the most, even if it's really unimportant to them. bi people often figure out their same-gender attraction later their opposite-gender attraction due to societal pressure, even though the same-gender attraction might feel stronger or more important to them. you could argue that's just heteronormativity ofc, since they're not lesbians and so can't experience comphet, but i think it's fundamentally the same concept. and i don't really see the advantage in gatekeeping a term in these cases. so that's my updated opinion i guess? lesbians have a unique experience with comphet, but the mechanisms that affect bi girls and enbies are fundamentally often the same

[@hel.v5739]

@@nor5673 yes this mechanism is heteronormativity but when ppl use the term comphet theyre referring to the fake feeling of attraction to the opposite sex as a way to fit in. We're all affected by heteronormativity and gender roles but i think comphet is a specific experience of lesbians, gays and aces.

[@hidingincorners]

I've experienced much more comphomo than comphet as a bi woman. I get a lot of ~cutesy~ comments from friends, even cishet friends, about how unfortunate it is that I experience attraction to men. They only get excited about me being interested in women and enby people, and completely discourage any interest in men. It's disheartening. It makes me feel ashamed of being attracted to men at all.

[@lvmln7843]

i feel you! I'm a non binary person and in my case it can't really be called comphomo, bc I don't identify with womanhood at all, so my attraction to women isn't really gay, but I definitely agree that this pressure to be like 🌟women 🌟 all the time, even if you have a strong preference for men (and people with masc gender identity) is definitely real. i have a friend who says "no straighto/no hetero" everytime she talks about a man being attractive and reacts with disgust to the idea of liking men and idk it's just sad and annoying. it seems like for some people the only valid type of attraction is attraction to women (because they are flawless or something 🙄) and we shouldn't really talk about attraction to men bc ew, men. i also think that it's really harmful to men who are (supririsingly for some) people and who deserve love and are not inherently flawed simply because they are men. of course, cis men's socialization is wack and leads to many issues, but it doesn't mean that we should be disgusted by all men simply bc they are men. it reeks of bioessentialism and is really harmful. fortunately, I stumbled upon the "it's okay to like men" 'discourse' some time ago and it helped me accept my attraction to men - it's just really ironic that people who talk about comphet don't seem to notice that some of their behaviours may be just as hurtful and lead to other people being ashamed of their attraction to a certain gender. i know this comment is a bit chaotic, sorry! i hope it's understandable anyways :)

[@SketchyHippopotamus]

Bi4bi is the way forward 😤

[@ZTanMURReneRs]

@@lvmln7843 @lvmln No, great post! This sounds almost like what we could call compmisandry. ;) Like, a pressure to conform to the group of women/non-men who hate men because they've had bad experiences with them and can't see outside of that framework/experience. Like "surely if you are queer/feminist, you have had bad experiences with men because I had them". I suppose it's broader than that, it seems very clear to me that in a lot of these spaces tolerance for an understandable frustration a lot of people have with the institutions(and people) they have gotten away from and felt trapped by, has allowed and masked actual hatred for groups of people, in a lot of cases men. It seems so pervasive sometimes. I remember on r/bisexual a few months ago a meme post about being bisexual but liking men more than women was almost removed for not being nice to women, when posts of the same format but with the opposite genders had been posted all the time and nobody batted an eye. It was nice though because they took that back and the moderator even had a pinned post on kind of having a revelation about it. I often see discussions where someone makes a big point essentially saying "you don't realise that by hurting men you're also hurting transmen!", which, fair enough, but it should be enough that you're hurting men! Why do we have to tie it back to someone who could plausibly be seen as oppressed for people to feel like they can have sympathy? Ah now I'm ranting. Ok. Out.

[@halfwayinfinate6342]

A few of my bi friends are more interested in women and I get the same thing. They might try hold my hand "jokingly" or something. Funnily enough, my friend who's a lesbian couldn't care less. She doesn't try to force anything. The only girls in my friendgroup I actually feel comfortable around are the straight ones and the ones around the same level of bi as me. They just aren't as interested in me, so there's no need for them to act weird.

[@Mablue15]

same, I feel like I need to choose a side, or like I'm cheating, I'm always testing my taste and is exhausting

[@nunyabusiness164]

I am bi and I thought my attraction to men was fake because of the comp het concept for YEARS!!! It was really confusing as a teenager because I have sexual trauma from being bullied / assaulted by an older boy when I was small. So of course I'm reading the list and it's like "the feelings you feel for men might just be fear and you're confusing it" resonated because.... I was scared of men. So even though I was constantly fantasizing about fictional men (shout-out Spock) -- I couldn't imagine feeling comfortable in a relationship with a man. But here I am, 21 and completely in love with my boyfriend!

[@nunyabusiness164]

but yeah I think the master doc fails to take into account how trauma and inexperience can effect your ability to imagine being happy in the future. I never imagined I could be this happy - with anyone, but especially a man. and yet I am. and I spent a long time feeling guilty and broken for my "comphet" -- which was just genuine feelings that made me feel gross bc of internalized biphobia

[@davidrothfels9295]

When you said "experience, don't just be on the internet" that hit DEEP for me. Like I'm Gen Z and I feel like since a lot of us understand ourselves almost completely through the internet, we get bogged down by theory and knowing who we are so that we can be accepted and praised for figuring out who we are (which now that I'm typing that out is REALLY messed up) so a lot of us that claim queerness early claim it before we actually experiment, or at least I know that was true for me and some of my friends. And especially for me with testosterone in my system, porn felt like what determined me so I just didn't try anyone other than boys cause straight porn is SCARY sometimes. Sorry for the rant, thanks for the video!

[@larrylyn210]

I’m a mid millennial who got an internet connection as a teen. My experience of being young was having a lot of time to think about myself and not a lot of places to go. I knew I was bisexual then, but honestly I didn’t have an experience that confirmed my feelings until i was 26. Dont worry about not having any experiences to back up your ideas about yourself. If you’re committed to knowing yourself over your lifetime, you will get to have those experiences. Just remember, the media you consume doesn’t define you. Your internet life will always be reductive. You will always be more than what words on a screen can define.

[@dougthedonkey1805]

I was wondering if anyone else felt the same about porn, I’ve been having these feelings but wasn’t sure if it was shared. I always feel a little bit bad about watching porn because of the psychological impact it has on me and the abusive industry it funds, but I feel way, way worse watching straight porn because it just feels like I’m watching rape most of the time. Gay porn just seems to be done in a way that’s more consensual. It could be internalized misogyny or something, but that’s just how I feel

[@veronicabarron]

Really appreciate what you shared! I’m influenced by the Internet as much as anyone these days, but as an “elder millennial” i.e. we got the internet when I was in 5th grade (and there wasn’t as much on the internet at the time), it wasn’t as present in my early years, so you’ve prompted me to think a bit about what shaped me then & how that compares to what’s shaping me now. I’ve often been grateful for the internet making lots of writers available to me in my 20s to help me understand my experiences (for example, I liked boys, but then I fell in love with a girl, and so I was like, whoops, not straight after all! And I had access to lots of people who thought that was pretty normal, so I could just be honest about it and be like, welp I guess I learned something new about myself!). But for me, the language and theory were things I found in response to my lived experiences, not before. Nowadays it’s cool that this knowledge is available to people of all ages! But I hate the idea that anyone would feel pressure to define one’s self in advance, when I think that part of how we find out who we are is by living our lives, being honest about how we feel while we’re living, and making changes as we go.

[@user-sg4ov7ng4h]

@@dougthedonkey1805nah same, straight porn is so clinical I'm repulsed, and I imagine this + it's male gaze makes it so women don't partake in it. amateur is better, they actually try to give pleasure instead of faking it. (sometimes)

[@molloblin]

The fact that you felt the need to justify that you were ‘lesbian’ enough to have a stake in this discussion is the most ironic example of this exact problem.

[@mystique3645]

Thank you so much for talking about this. Trying to talk about the lesbian master doc as a bi woman is almost impossible because you immediately get slapped with “lesbiphobe” and your concerns get turned right back at you as you needing to re-evaluate yourself. I am constantly forced to do that in the culture we are in to begin with because of everyone questioning me leading to me questioning myself. I’m constantly told I need to re-evaluate how I see my fellow LGBTQ+ and it always ends up with me needing to apologize for my attractions (because I am -gasp- also attracted to men) I think too many are too quick to pull the “you just hate lesbians” instead of stopping and considering why so many bisexuals find the document misleading and needing an update. Like ofc I don’t want to take away a valuable tool for lesbians, but at the same time those tools shouldn’t come at the detriment of bisexuals and be carrying outdated concepts that reinforce harmful ideas that target a lot of people. And I think the immediate belief that a critique is slapping down lesbians is telling of how bisexuals are seen and what lesbians are struggling with.

[@heatherdbcooper]

The thing is, it's not really a tool for people who already identify as lesbians. It's a tool for bisexuals and people questioning their identity to help them work out whether they are a lesbian. The devil's advocate in me would argue that, by the logic of the lesbians that were attacking Verity, Verity actually has more right to critique the masterdoc than they do since she is the intended audience, not people already affirmed in their lesbian identity.

[@VPSantiago]

That sucks, I'm really sorry about that. In a way I'm glad I'm not part of any particular community as I don't deal well with criticism and judgement, I can only imagine.

[@carleria90]

As a bisexual women, this video was reassuring. When I first read the am I a lesbian masterdoc I cried for a solid hour cause I thought I was (one again) lying to myself.

[@cadenceroy6686]

same!! i feel like if you are a lesbian, reading the article would give you more clarity and a sort of “aha!” moment. i feel like if you are a bi woman reading the article, it will give you a ton of anxiety/rumination (as it did with you and i haha)

[@sandpiperr]

@@cadenceroy6686 That really is something that should probably be at the end of the doc! Like a final chapter of "how did going through this document make you feel? would be valuable, because by my own experience and that which I've seen other people discuss, it seems like it feels clarifying and comforting for lesbians, and confusing and anxiety provoking for bisexuals.

[@catecrutch]

Thank you for making these videos for bisexuals who were thrown for a loop by the document, like me, lol. I needed someone to criticize the document that I was taking for gospel on what it means to be a lesbian. It really comes down to the label you choose to use.

[@bronwynoneill2760]

Agreed!

[@sweetie_babie]

I find it kind of interesting. As a bisexual woman myself, I looked at some parts of the masterdoc and found it fit me quite perfectly. I denied my attraction to women for years because I was super Christian, so some of the suppression they mentioned were accurate to me. It felt kind of validating, but I think there are parts of it that were a bit baffling. I first saw the doc months ago however, so I don't remember entirely

[@amyscott-pillow9131]

I just want to say thank you, that doc messed me up during quarantine, and your video helped me think more critically and affirmed my bisexuality.

[@mjparker5749]

Thank you for talking about domestic abuse within same-sex relationships. I didn't realize my last relationship was so emotionally abusive because I kept excusing my ex-girlfriends' actions as "not as bad because she's not a guy". I wouldn't have let a guy treat me like she did, but I somehow thought it was okay because we were both girls.

[@blackandwhitethinking]

you're delivering the videos i try to make but my mental health can't take. this whole comp het things has done wild things to mine (and my gf's) neurodiv bisexual brains. you are doing God's work. also, we should be friends.

[@amaram4217]

Loved this, and your original vid which was helpful to me as a bisexual very confused about the doc. :)

[@Bonniebelle_00__]

Thank you for responding. Any links?

[@martianpudding9522]

I'd be very interested in finding out how much this affects straight people as well. For example for straight women too there is a lot of messaging telling them that sex shouldn't be enjoyable for them. How many women who have the capacity to enjoy sex with men put up with bad sex and never learn how to enjoy their bodies because they can't imagine anything better? I also think a lot about the typical "marriage bad" boomer humor. How many straight people are in long term relationships and marriages with someone they don't like because they feel like they feel like being in a relationship/marriage is more important than having a relationship that is healthy and loving?

[@pythonjava6228]

I would really like to see that explored as well

[@monsterhighfan144]

I'm hetero and here's my take on it. I come from a dysfunctional family with financial issues and consist fighting growing up. I was also sexually harassed at 13 and 23. So it's hard for me to be in relationships due to childhood trauma, mental health issues (suicide and self harm) I'm learning how to live and figure out my purpose since I wanted to die at the age of 23. This document unpack so much trauma and triggered me so much. I wasn't overthinking my relationships I was overthinking and stressed about my childhood. I don't want to be in a relationship right now due to my childhood. So when people ask why I'm not in a relationship, I just tell them I'm not ready. I'm 24 in like 3 weeks so I'm still young but people view that as a bad thing. I don't think so. I'm okay with being single for the rest of my life. I just think comphet tells straight women don't be in a relationship for the sake of it. Go live your life how you want.

[@Vickynger]

the heterosexual tragedy by jane ward talks about this in depth. really good book. but yes, as a cishet woman i had to come to terms with my sexuality as well bc i just never enjoyed any of the way sex in the patriarchal gender binary was advertised. but my taste also was never kinky enough to draw me to these spheres. i was so confused for years that i just thought i must not like sex then. its not that tho! i like it! just not the way most hets have it lol

[@lyndonwesthaven6623]

And throw the ace spectrum in that bucket as well.... When I was in college, I had my first experience of having a crush on a boy, a thing that after having a completely dry adolescence, I'd assumed was never going to happen. And I had a really bright period of excitement, which in retrospect was really split between enjoying how I felt about him, and feeling like I'd matured, like I'd finally developed enough socially to be ready for this new kind of interaction, and attraction was now going to be a part of my life. And then for various practical reasons I didn't pursue it, and several years went by and it didn't happen again, and most of my doubts about the experience were on grounds of comphet. Would I have read that kind of strong rapid attachment as romantic if it had been for a woman, or would I have read it as wanting close friendship (a thing that had always been exclusively femme for me), and how much was my response flavored by hearing romantic love framed as the best and most important type of relationship, and wanting to be capable of it?

[@sandpiperr]

Also, I feel like that document is, at the least, dismissive of straight women who've experienced sexual trauma. I mean it lists experiences with domestic violence as a sign of comphet! If you've been through sexual trauma and/or partner violence from a male partner, it's only natural you might experience anxiety and negative feelings, which can include physical manifestations, around the idea of having sex or getting into a relationship with a man again...but that doesn't necessarily mean you actually like women and are in denial about it. It could very well just be the result of having been traumatized.

[@MiniaMonteagudo]

Most gender/sexuality therapists will tell you that the best thing you can do in order to sort yourself out is experiment and socialize in different ways. They will recommend you try out different things and get some clues as to what feels best, or if you already suspect you might be X, try behaving that way in particular and see if it's right for you. Specialists also know and will repeatedly tell you that ultimately it is up to you to know what your identity is and that there is no diagnostic criteria they can use to give you a definitive answer. Keeping that in mind, from a pyschological perspective, much of this document reads like speculative psychoanalysis and consists mostly of leading questions. I'm not saying it's useless or invaluable, but it's certainly not the be-all and end-all.

[@aaakliuciami]

As a bisexual transfeminine enby, I've had way too many unpleasant encounters with lesbians on twitter, many of which were invalidating my experiences as a bisexual or mocking me in some way. I remember reading the masterdoc feeling a bit confused, so I'm super happy you actually made this video - it spoke to me on a deep level!

[@caitb7089]

I worry for the amount of teenagers who read this document and take it as The Lesbian Bible. I see so many TikTok comments about it... I think all queer women can relate to the doc. It’s not a fool proof ‘guide.’ Your life experience is what you have to rely on. And as someone who identified as a lesbian for 6 years and now bisexual for 2 years - it’s okay to not know!

[@monsterhighfan144]

That's what I'm thinking. I've meet hetero, pan, and bi women who related to a bunch of things on the document. It's all about life experience that affect your attractions/dating life not a document that was written by a teenager lol

[@izumiis]

as a lesbian who deals with comphet and found the masterdoc to be very helpful, this video is absolutely amazing. We need to hear more bisexual voices on this because the masterdoc isn't perfect by any stretch of the means and when it ends up causing harm to a big part of the community it's a sign to step back and re-analyze what we can improve on! Bisexual and Lesbian solidarity is so important so to all my bisexual girlies you are 100000000% valid and are getting a big platonic smooch on the forehead < 3

[@ShadaOfAllThings]

I really hate a lot of talk around comphet stuff. Its made it a lot more annoying to think about my attraction to men, because every time I can actually point at something I actually like, there's another brainworm of "okay but do you really?" or "Is that a man only thing?" like any of it fucking matters. I'm obviously getting all those feelgood hormones when I'm having sex with a guy, and I have consistent attractions to men who aren't supermodels. This should be enough, but because people try to use anxiety inducing tactics to talk about real issues they end up fucking with people whether they realize it or not.

[@monsterhighfan144]

Especially on tiktok lol. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I always feel good when I had a crush on a guy. I just got nervous and good anxiety because I'm just a shy person :/

[@tremolo2109]

I was raised in a pseudo-fundamentalist Christian homeschooled community in the southern United States, and I didn't even consider whether I'm attracted to women until I was in my late teens and started experiencing the world outside the church and family. I thought I was very straight because I was definitely attracted to men. Imagine my surprise when I was definitely attracted to women as well.

[@Katm0m]

This was def my experience, then I went to a women’s college. Funnily enough, I didn’t come out as bi until after I graduated. I thought I was “just an ally” when I went to pride- I’ve always thought women are beautiful (bc duhhh they are!) but didn’t realize I felt a little *more * than just aesthetic attraction to women. Now my cis/het male partner is insecure in our relationship bc I told him that I’m also attracted to women 💔

[@PrincessNinja007]

For the rest of my life I'll never know if I'm actually ace or if it's just a side effect of being raised in purity culture

[@PrincessNinja007]

I joke sometimes that I'm bi because I'm equally grossed out at the thought of men or women

[@FeatherHair24]

Super interesting, I've followed you and other bisexual creators and full respect here. Now I ID as a lesbian but have a lot of love for the bi community and used to feel really strongly connected to bisexuality (even going to BiCon and reading all the bi books lol). Honestly I personally just feel I have a more fluid sexuality and while I used to feel bi I now just don't have that same attraction to men that I used to but I'm always open to wherever he flow takes me lol

[@BethanyBell]

The idea bisexuals can't speak on comp het is ? No matter your sexuality, you can be subject to experiencing comp het. Not to mention you are speaking up on something that effects bisexuals- as a bisexual. Suggesting you have to be lesbian to speak on something effecting bisexuals, just highlights the problems bisexuals face within the LGBTQ+. We're always seen as ' less than' and like we have something to prove. Its exhausting.

[@_mqdi]

comphet is a lesbian exclusive experience

[@TurudesRavenholt]

​@@_mqdi No it isn't.

[@JoULove]

*raises hand* asexuals experience comphet too

[@RebekahSolWest]

I’m sorry to hear you were attacked. Social media and Twitter especially can thrive on negative feedback. I hope you can find ways to relieve your anxiety.

[@crowlowin4330]

I didn't realize the biphobic elements in the "am I a lesbian" superdoc and the comphet concept, thanks for sharing! The concept of comphet helped me because I interpreted any positive feeling towards a man as a crush, so when I realized that wasn't true and started letting myself having crushes on women (and therefore realizing what a real crush is) it was really validating. Now that I see some of the problematic aspects of comphet, I will try to find better ways to communicate that experience that don't invalidate bisexuals!

[@RoseSmell2005]

TIL biphobia is a real thing and pretty sh1tty. I'm so sorry for all the people who had faced hate for being bi especially from the gays . No one deserves to be hated for who they are attracted to. Virtual hugs....

[@lizzies.1562]

I see this as a miscommunication between people who see "lesbian" as a strict pattern of attraction from women towards women, and people who see "lesbian" as a set of real world experiences that may be influenced by your attraction. Thanks for this video

[@yaboigamerghost405]

Not entirely sure if this is for me but the way a lot of lesbians talked about comphet online made it harder for me as a man to accept my own bisexuality. It took a good amount of time and some help from my already bisexual girlfriend to help me actually get over the feelings of "I'm not gay enough to call myself bi" and "If I call myself bi that's disrespectful to all the actual bisexuals". And after getting over that I've definitely been more comfortable and happier in my own identity.

[@hectic-glow-clouds8723]

Your videos always deliver a really engaging level of insight, nuance, and compassion! I am so sorry you got so much shit for your video(s) tackling lesbianism/bisexuality/“comphet”. You honestly address your topics with a degree of historical research and good faith that is really refreshing to see on KZbin. As a person who would probably who would probably grab the identity-words “non binary trans lesbian” out of a hat to describe myself, I really have been compelled and affected by your discussion of these topics. I love being a lesbian and that is a label that feels best for me, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel wary of the transmisogyny and biphobia sometimes prevalent in (mostly online) lesbian-labeled spaces.

[@bronwynoneill2760]

Great to hear this, thank you!

[@orangesanguines]

I totally agree with you. As a bisexual woman, the comphet document confused the heck out of me. Like, what do you mean I can think I'm attracted to people without really being attracted to them? I already question my bisexual identity enough as it is. Now I have to worry that I can fool myself into thinking I experience attraction???

[@sarahbayla]

Same here, fellow bi woman!! I went through a wholeeeee identity crisis a few years ago where I convinced myself, partly with the influence of this doc (combined with my mess of traumas), that all of my previous and current attraction to men was fake and just "comphet." It's basically gaslighting, and I ended up in a huge struggle where I was falling in love with a guy but I tried to convince myself it wasn't because I believed I must be a lesbian. How messed up is that 😭 (happy ending though, he and I have been together now for two years ❤️)

[@sarahtonen719]

@@sarahbayla yeah I read an article and comphet does seem very gaslight-y to me. I rather go by richs essay since it was the og comphet essay. The culture around comphet right now is anxiety inducing and just annoying

[@Nefeli851]

It may be confusing for you and for other bi women- sorry for your experience- but without these things and this concept, me and many other (femme) lesbians we would never discover our identity. If I hadnt read about comphet, I wouldnt recognise that I was lesbian. So, it is maybe confusing for many/some bis, but its an eye-opener and a real disclosure for lesbians!

[@Skag_Sisyphus]

I felt this video essay a lot. We used to get harassed by dudes trying to get us to kiss, trying to grope us etc. There is this stripper mag that shows who's dancing where, its real playboy-esque, its got a lot of nake women posing and straddling poles and the like, and we were just sitting together holding hands and this douche threw it at us. It hit me in the face. I have a million of these stories. More recently, i was walking alone, carrying a purse with a gay flag fist pin and patches on the arm of my coat making a bi flag. (A strip of one, really) a woman accused me of following her, and threatened to kick my ass while repeatedly calling me a dyke. So when lesbians talk about my straight privilege while not knowing jack shit about me, it can be really irritating. I'm sure if i had told the woman about to kick my ass that actually its fine cuz i fuck dudes sometimes too, she would have been like "oooooh, okay. Well we're fine then. Have a good one, fellow straight"

[@Em-jc7ct]

Thank you for this video, i needed this. I was comfortable being bi until I saw comphet going around online. It completely threw me into a spiral and made my past internal biphobia return and be worse. It was extra confusing as I'm also demisexual to only men. Making me feel that actually my demi-ness to men was simply the time it took me to convince myself I was in love with a man. This video has greatly helped stomp out all that anxiety. I'm bisexual. I love my boyfriend. All is good. I know myself better than an article online does

[@crypthouse]

im so glad i found this video. im a fem nonbinary person in my 30’s and questioning if im bi or a lesbian after identifying as bi since puberty and the am i a lesbian masterdoc left me even more confused. i’m still not sure, but your thoughts and words here have been extremely comforting and affirming

[@lucifersshroud]

Your takes on these subjects are so refreshing. So many 15 year olds on twitter can’t stand any nuanced and hard discussions on these things. And they really think sexuality is super strict in boxes. I also choose to ID as bisexual instead of a lesbian because...the lesbian community scares me lol. There are so many rules and so many weird standards and so many are so mean and dogpile people who don’t agree with them and the bi community is much more chill I feel. Even if I’m never w a man again I’ll probs still always consider myself bisexual 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Hyzentley]

God, I am so glad that I am not the only one who thinks about the lesbian community like this. I honestly worried that it crosses over into lesbophobia to criticize them, but really, there are just so many strange standards and harmful ideas (in the general movement, not for all lesbians, I know several really nice and tolerate lesbians who are not like this, but you get what I mean)

[@killmepls7865]

Holy shit this struck a chord with me

[@monsterhighfan144]

Don't forget tiktok lol

[@Inspirit-gp4dp]

@@monsterhighfan144 what's on tiktok?

[@berniegertje5358]

Uh doesn't everybody experience comphet? I'm a (mostly) straight trans man and I've grappled with the question of whether my attractions are based in my own true desires or societal expectations. I had a lot of crushes on guys when I was younger, but I've only really had a sexual relationship with one man. I currently find myself mostly attracted to women, so for a while I struggled to make sense of these crushes I had on guys. The way I've made sense of it now is that I liked these guys as friends but it wasn't really socially acceptable for me as a "girl" to be friends with them, so I interpreted these strong feelings towards them as crushes, as I didn't know how to have friendly relationships with boys that weren't refracted through the lens of potential romantic partners. Most of the time when these relationships turned romantic, I felt uncomfortable, though I didn't understand why at the time. Sure, part of it was probably Christian sexual repression, but it was also that I didn't really view them that way. Anyway, the amount of gatekeeping certain lesbians do is really confusing and weird to me. *shrug*

[@dorian5876]

I don't understand why people think bisexuality is weird. As a lesbian, I might feel attracted to someone who presents androgynous but the moment I find out they are male that attraction is gone. Instantly. THAT makes zero sense to me. If I found them attractive, why should their gender matter!? Bisexuality is the only thing that makes to me, even though I am not bi.

[@saraambjrndalen3716]

Thanks for speaking out about the masterdoc! I'm a bi woman and like you found it troubling, but I couldn't put my finger on it. You managed to articulate what I couldn't.

[@schwiftyjerry666]

I really appreciated your section on comphomo. When I first came out as bi I had a strong lean towards the opposite sex (though currently I'm leaning towards the same sex) and I was very insecure about my validity as a bisexual because most of my friends and bisexuals I saw online leant towards the same sex. I kept thinking I was, as you mentioned in the video, 'not gay enough' and I felt alienated from the LGBT+ community as a result of this. It took me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality and accept that I'm a valid bi regardless of which sex I'm currently more attracted to. Great video, you raised some excellent points!

[@BeautyMonster1000]

Great video, as always! I don't really feel like you needed to apologize for anything you said or did in that other video though. That other video really helped me as a bisexual woman who has had problems with the Masterdoc from the beginning, mainly because it can cause lots of problems for bisexuals and I've never been happy with that. If it helps lesbians, that's great but it doesn't really help bisexual women at all.

[@cozygoblin]

I needed this video four years ago jeez. I have a complicated experience. I thought I was lesbian as a teen. Realized I was bisexual. Then I transitioned, then I detransitioned and was requestioning my sexuality on top of it, found the comphet am I a lesbian doc and completely believed I was a lesbian for 6months hardcore and...no, I'm not. I was a traumatized bisexual who needed to process their sexual trauma due to men. The doc isn't inherently bad but it absolutely leads one to a specific conclusion that then made me feel worse about me realizing I'm actually bisexual.

[@nightskystars0762]

You don't have to apologise to those people who didn't even watch the video. If people say "the Lesbian masterdoc is for Lesbians only and not for Bisexuals", then verilybitchie's videos are only for Bisexuals, so get out.

[@Slavaboo1]

“To be able to experience attraction and pleasure and then being told it’s fake is deeply confusing.” YES. I’m so tired of being told my attractions and feelings aren’t real or valid. It’s biphobic and hurtful as hell and no one but other bis seems to get it.

[@ashy1587]

I feel like comphet is something that has the potential to affect basically everyone in the lgbtq+ community, everyone has the right to comment on their experiences.

[@vintagetechno]

Can I just say...I’ve been watching your videos off and on for a long time. A LONG time. (I found you through your “I’m Rick perry and I’m a dinosaur” video) And through all these years though your content has evolved, I’ve always appreciated how funny AND thoughtful you are. I actually haven’t watched the “Am I a lesbian?” video (yet), but this this video really struck me. I really appreciate, again, how much thought you put into your response, and despite the criticism you got you don’t dismiss anyone, just ask that they consider giving the same amount of thought. I just kept nodding to myself the whole time because I not only agreed with everything you said but was struck by how much your thought process seemed to mirror my own. I’m sorry you received so much flak - I hope the people who got upset with you for criticizing the doc will come to realize for themselves one day that it’s okay for something to be important and formative to you and also need to be set aside eventually (Harry Potter anyone?) Anyway, all that to say, keep making awesome shit!

[@verilybitchie]

This is so nice, thank you so much!

[@iknowyouwanttofly]

That video really made me feel better and less alone. I thought the joke was funny. I am bi and alot of the time my fantasy dont have a clear face and sometimes not a clear body at all but usually a very clear powerdynamic :)

[@isw_1214]

Bi (ace) woman here and the fact that I'm attracted to women while not being sexually attracted to men made it that much more confusing in everyone else's eyes. The comphet notion that my attraction to femme boys meant my attraction to men was fake persisted in my mind for years even though that should've been one of my early signs of being bi; I've always liked femme boys and slightly masculine women and I no longer question it and am comfortable communicating it.

[@SomeoneBeginingWithI]

If comphet is a lesbian only term, and you have to be a lesbian to be allowed to read the document, wouldn't that render the document mostly useless because everyone reading it has to already identify as a lesbian? Unless the document is for people who currently identify as lesbian but are re-questioning and need reassurance that they are indeed a lesbian? If you read the document and conclude that you are not a lesbian, have you sinned by reading a lesbian-only document that you were not supposed to see?

[@violetmaritime]

it’s an only lesbian term because it’s an only lesbian experience. you can read the doc and should read the doc to gain perspective but it’s not your experience. edit: it’s basically “for” questioning lesbians but literally no one is telling you that you seriously cannot read it

[@sunnysonali12]

I wish you all the love, my dear! I am so sorry, that you had to experience this unnecessary hate and agression, since that kind of discourse is so counter productive in a discussion this fragile and vulnerable about sexuality and identity. I hope you can heal from that :) anyway, as a bisexual both of your videos about comp het did help me because you seem to have a very rational and analyzing take on all of that. I am still getting to know that subject so i wont say that what anybody is saying is right or wrong, but i like to have you as a source of information, because i mostly feel clearer afterwards.

[@bronminett4042]

I found the master doc by accident 2 days ago and fell down a rabbit hole. I used to define myself as bisexual but honestly I’m just not sure anymore. Thank you for talking so openly and eloquently about this topic. Going to keep looking into it and myself and go from there but lesbian or not i will be watching your videos cause I’m a fan 😂😊❤️

[@NewBlueTrue]

Honestly, I went down that rabbit hole to and I came to the conclusion as stated in the video, people can identify however they want, but they can also act however they want irregardless of what their identity assumes them to be.

[@davidsantander7697]

As is a bisexual male who ran across that document and people talking about it on the Internet it literally sent me into a spiral of doubting even my own attraction to men. Thank you for highlighting all this work also as a psychological nod the documents is reinforce to confirmation bias.

[@ticketforepic4429]

To suggest that someone shouldn't read or watch something because they don't identify with the group is terrifyingly shortsighted. I'm a very left leaning cis-het atheist man that watches lgbtq+ content from across the spectrum, I watch right wing news and listen to Christian apologists. I do this to better understand peoples perspectives, opinions, ideologies and lifestyles... Context matters! As a result, I've abandoned my American libertarianism because I came to understand how selfish and problematic it is, I recognized my white cis-het male privilege and exchanged my "not racist" for anti-racist and understand that the best I can ever hope for is waking, not woke. If you think you are woke, you are falling back to sleep! And now at 42 I've decided to abandon my current career go to college and peruse one in social justice and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm on the right path. This could not have happened in my old eco chamber. Thanks to content like yours I have begun to pry my eyes open, thank you!

[@Skag_Sisyphus]

The only issue i really had with your discussion of the comphet master doc (a thing that is, indeed, flawed) was that you portrayed it talking about "fake attraction" which i didn't see in it. What i saw it talk about was more akin to "I'm not disgusted by men and i do like to be considered attractive, so his attraction to me and my indifference to him is the same as attraction." Or "i let him have sex with me and that's the same thing as wanting to have sex with him" women are often taught that their attraction kind of isn't a thing? Even some "straight" women aren't actually attracted to men and do not desire to sleep with them and that's supposed to be normal somehow. I know because they have told me men aren't attractive and sex is something they let him do when he's good. It's very sad. So this is the "i don't want to be with a man, i just want to be in a relationship with one" thing i think you misinterpreted. I also think the abuse you got for an insightful video was horrible and I'm sorry the shittiest lesbians attacked you for pointing out issues with said master doc. I hope you are better now.

[@venuslove-i1v]

The problem with this idea though is that the les doc tries to paint the picture that people who are "crushing on men" are also lesbian. And it does paint the picture that all the attractions that you have had for men is "a lie" or "fake".

[@PrincessNinja007]

"I mean I don't fantasize about him, or feel any tinglies, but women just don't have fantasies or desire" is probably the single most sweeping lesbian erasure ever made, because how a lesbian in a het relationship feels is how straight women are "supposed" to feel, so are you gay or just very very pure? Like, the picture I was given growing up of an ideal relationship is that a woman with no desire for men pleases her husband who can't stop pawing her. That's 1. super rapey, 2. erases every man not attracted monogomously to women, and 3. basically tells every non-man-attracted woman that her feelings are just normal straight woman feelings because she's a normal straight woman

[@raicantgame6634]

As someone who falls under several queer labels, it gets to feel like gaslighting to be told from so many angles that my experiences aren't real and I don't really know my own mind or feelings. Like if reading that doc helped some people find themselves, great, but I've seen the stuff in it used against non-lesbian queer women (and even straight women) so many times, telling them their attraction to men isn't real, that they don't really love their partners and should leave them and embrace their "true lesbian self", and generally used to push the idea that men are inherently abusive to women and no woman can ever REALLY be happy and healthy with a man. So, my issue isn't entirely with the doc, but the people who try to claim its contents as some sort of holy text, and try to force it onto people who are already comfortable in their sexuality.

[@sarahtonen719]

I've notice this as well! I have ocd and an ocd app where I've saw many straight and even bisexual women thrown into spirals bc of this doc. I even saw a health and sex psychology worker on reddit saying he's not even a fan of it bc of the way it was written.

[@nicodashie]

honestly? this was really eye opening :0 i had been questioning my romantic orientation for a while now. i flip flopped between bi and lesbian (well, before i found out i was nb), and when i discovered the lesbian masterdoc i immediately concluded "okay i must be a lesbian." it still didn't feel right though, and i kept going back to the lesbian masterdoc to make sure. thing is, i DO really like the idea of having a male partner, but i haven't actually felt real romantic attraction toward any guy i've known irl nor have i wanted to date any of them (mostly bc the only guys i've known irl are either cishet douchebags or, well, gay). sexual attraction wouldn't be a deciding factor here because i'm asexual lmao, and neither would stuff like celebrity crushes bc i don't have celebrity crushes in general, men or women. i also think both men and women can be aesthetically pretty. maybe i like women a little more, sure, but men are cool too, and bi people can have preferences, right? i think the problem was that i had looked at the lesbian doc very religiously and hadn't considered that it had been written by regular human beings. i really needed to hear to perspective of a bisexual person, so thank you for both of your videos :)

[@nunyabusiness164]

idk how old you are but sometimes it takes a long time to meet someone you really like - someone really special. if you think you could enjoy being with a guy then theres no reason not to keep your options open

[@ashlysinfoandmusic8209]

Please, know that YOUR OPINION does indeed MATTER! 💕 I’m a lesbian “elder”, I’ve been in he trenches fighting for LGBTIQ+ rights from the start. Know that it is so very important that diverse perspectives, experiences, and yes even opinions be shared, otherwise, the majority of the population will continue to be locked away in some closet for what is and has always been NORMAL human sexual behavior.

[@MsLovelifetothefulle]

As a bi women I read the master doc and was like yes a lot of this applies to me. Coming out to myself later in life almost guarantees comphet, I think. Also there’s a lot of the online discourse that really does encourage the gaslighting of the bi experience. So it’s just one big pile of confusion that tells me that no matter what I’m lying to myself. How I’ve tried to deal with it is by literally asking myself, Mandy are you lying right now? I do a little soul searching and the answer is no, I’m not. And I accept that as truth. Even if I am lying to myself, I know that it probably comes from a place of not feeling safe enough to tell the truth and that’s completely valid. So I just working on being a safe space for myself. My favourite thing about being bi is the community that says there’s no one right way to be bi. You can stay here as long as you want, try on the label, try on another and then come back and then leave again. Whatever you like, your always welcome.

[@purplekitten6637]

8:25 I'm a bi/queer/pan (haven't decided on a sexuality label yet) non-binary transmasculine person and yes, I hate that the Lesbian Masterdoc says that liking feminine men is a sign of being a lesbian. I used to ID as a lesbian before having some realisations about my gender identity and sexuality. The thing is, I always had a thing for feminine guys and girls, but I wasn't interested in masculine men and, because I didn't experience attraction to men in the traditional sense, I thought I was a lesbian. It's so strange how the message of the Masterdoc seems to be that if your fantasies about men are not these stereotypical heteronormative fantasies where you're a feminine woman and they're a manly man, then you must not be capable of attraction to men. For me, I couldn't imagine being with a guy as a woman, because I'm not a woman, and so I experienced a disconnection between that part of my sexuality and my gender identity. So yeah, having fantasies about s*xually dominating men, pegging men, being with feminine men, etc. doesn't always mean you're a lesbian. Could mean that you're a bi and a top. Could be something about your gender identity. Could, as was my case, be both. Frankly, I think it's offensive to assume that bi AFABs are really gay for women and feel free to explore relationships with women without gender roles but then with men they must have heteronormative fantasies and must like men in the same way that straight women usually do (or at least how society encourages straight women to like men). It's absurd to think that bi AFABs must all be into these manly men types or to assume that it's impossible to have a relationship with an AMAB person that is free from gender roles and conventions. Like, all of these assumptions about how you either a) have a relationship with a woman and have complete freedom of expression and an egalitarian partnership or b) have a relationship with a man and are restricted to this heteronormative standard where the man must be the domineering partner is a very reductive, binary way of thinking about relationships, and it seems to suggest that it's only natural to expect hypermasculinity from men and that straight women must put up with whatever is men's nature, rather than deconstructing gender roles for everyone, regardless of sexuality, and allowing people to be attracted to femininity in men or masculinity in women without it being assumed to be gay. Not everyone experiences attraction the same, or expects the same things from a relationship.

[@CrazyCupCake991]

“It’s not maybelline” Me: sold

[@hannahsmith4007]

a lot of things in the master doc resonated with me. Trouble was that if i gender swapped some of it, it also resonated with me . I got annoyed with “compulsory sexuality”, I’m not repressing sexual feelings for anyone, they just aren’t there. Hadn’t even thought what it would have made bisexual-questioning people think or feel, thank you

[@brnaps]

I'm so glad I found you channel. I follow a lot of people online that identify as bisexual, but for some reason, it's really hard to find a space where being bisexual is actually the center of the conversation.

[@oblivion1te]

this is so true and it was really upsetting as a bi woman to see the way things were phrased in the doc. as someone still trying to fully rest and be at complete peace with my label and what it entails and ward off internalized biphobia, i agreed with myself that i didn't want to read the doc because i know for a fact i like men and that is real so i didn't want to cause another questioning spiral when i almost feel settled.. but then i saw a post that pointed out the things said in it and the biphobia and it really suprised me. i feel like we get a lot of ostracisization from the certain groups in lesbian community as bi women and it does hurt, i love that we have two separate labels that show our unique experiences and i wish we could both be at a peace and just acknowledge that we all love women lol, but it feels like we're often told we don't really love women as much or that we're still preforming for men etc and don't have any similar experience when we actually can have such an almost parallel experience. i read the examples of comphet in the doc and was suprised as I've experienced most of them and i thought "does the person that wrote this understand these are also experiences shared by bi women as well?" "this can't really determine being a lesbian if it's experienced outside of that" most lgbt women struggle with these things in general because of society as a whole not just "liking men vs not liking men". i went from thinking my "ratio" was 95% men and merely 5% women to accepting that it was much more fluid and equal, and that was definitely the work of comphet lol. we really need a better written thing that's collaborated on by both communities to make sure both sides experiences are discussed.

[@lilywab]

THANK YOU FOR THIS!! Honestly I’ve had SO many issues with this doc ever since I first read it, it has so many biphobic undertones, it’s ridiculously simplistic and essentialist in so many ways that I think are harmful for anyone who might be trying to understand and come to terms with their own attractions. Like, how are you gonna be able to explore your emotions and experiences if you’re being told that certain things are inherently fake? plus, where are the credentials of this document, was there any goddamn research behind it or is it just the random musings of some lesbian based in Their Own experience ? also, I understand the whole “born this way” argument is very important politically and a lot of people feel like they can’t afford to lose it, but I genuinely don’t think it’s the best way to validate ones identity. I mean I don’t care if you’re born this way or not, that’s not the point, the point is you are who you are for whatever reason and you have the right to be that way, period. Proving that something is “natural” is not the way to fight for rights anymore.

[@ebisawkward]

I appreciate the point you're making. During my teenage years I didn't really realize fully that bisexuality and dating girls was an option and the first time I heard about it was from an acquaintance stating about another girl "just because she messes around with girls doesn't mean she's bi". Because of that, I found out that I'm bisexual later in life when I was already in a committed relationship with my now husband, so much of my figuring out of my sexuality had to come from literally just thinking about it and reading stuff online. Unfortunately a lot of online content regarding bisexuality is incredibly invalidating and made the process much harder. I still struggle with the idea that I'm not gay enough and not really bisexual because I haven't been in relationships with women, mostly due to the things I see online.

[@virginiadrohan8231]

I sincerely thank you for publishing these 2 videos, they have been incredibly helpful as the doc has only plagued my mind with anxiety as it worked into my intrusive thoughts. I am not tricking myself thinking im bi. im free!

[@amyvee1264]

I absolutely loved this video. This was exactly my problem with the doc. As some who identified as bisexual since elementary school, got married to a man and had a child with them, I felt like a can of worms was forever opened with the doc with no real way to decipher if it was comphet or actual attraction to men. It just told me that it was probably fake and left me to question, “BUT HOW DO I KNOW??”

[@varrantgreen4259]

I'm legitimately getting dizzy from realizing the nature of the subjective expeiance of having being bi deligetimized from every side.

[@sycastells1212]

Been openly bisexual since age 17, and now in my 30s I'm still having stunning realizations such as that kid I was obsessed with in 9th grade Algebra? Yeah that was a queer crush. Compulsory heterosexuality is absolutely an issue for bisexuals. "Those feelings I have must be platonic, because I lack a cultural framework to understand them as romantic or sexual" is a legit bisexual experience.

[@lilianakuse6990]

19:12 YES YES YES the document can help but ultimately you can not figure out your sexuality just from some words online.

[@sleepinbelle9627]

Umm, actually, I learned I was Bi thanks to an online quiz I took in the middle of the night while panicking about my identity.

[@lilianakuse6990]

@@sleepinbelle9627 I'm glad you had that experience but it's not that easy for a lot of people.

[@daisyflower1545]

I can relate to wanting to be a lesbian to escape abuse esp since my interactions with men weren't enjoyable at all. Now I'm seeing a guy and its so much fun and I'm seeing a girl and its so much fun. I'm a greedy bisexual stereotype lol

[@emilykuykendall2899]

I thought the video was actually super helpful...AND I still find compulsory heterosexuality to be very influential in my life. To me, the doc was a starting point and I was able to push off from there to more research.

[@achillendimond2124]

"this document that is meant to help people figure out if they are or aren't a lesbian isn't for you because you don't already identify as a lesbian" Like seriously there is no way to make that logic make sense

[@daino.8191]

As an omnisexual man who is constantly trying to figure out (in a very bisexual way) whether or not I'm *really* attracted to more than only women/if my attraction to other genders is valid, I appreciate all perspectives. I clicked on this video hoping for some answers about my identity, as I'm sure many are hoping for when they view that master doc. Instead, you gave me a nuanced examination of identity from a bisexual point of view. I really appreciate this. Instead of constantly being so worried about whether or not I'm valid by any communities' standards, I realize it's okay to relax and just...be multisexual. With more experience and time I'll gain more understanding of self. It's okay and probably more beneficial NOT to have answers handed to me.

[@winter-i-i]

another great video! ❤️ i am so sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety and depression. there will always be conflict within the lgbt community and there is no point in seeking validation from any group, that's just a waste of time and energy. you are so kind and so smart and also your jokes are hilarious. :) pay no mind to the trolls. may you feel better soon ❤️

[@grmgt]

Geez... How in the hell people think us Bi folks have no say in comphet? Almost every Bi person goes through a crazy amount of confusion becouse of what is deemed acceptable by society!

[@aureusnovasolis208]

My mother's childhood friend left her ex-husband for a woman and was in a relationship with her partner for a number of years. When it later ended and she ended up dating a man, my mother said "Guess who isn't vegetarian anymore". Great ally-ship.

[@eldee3967]

you always come out with videos that are magically very aplicable to my life! always excited to see your take on things! :)

[@SebastianSeanCrow]

20:29 this video is the only reason I even know the master doc exists. I just remember lesbians on tumblr talking about how they would force themselves into relationships with abusive men because they were trying so hard to be straight and they called that part of comphet

[@ЕленаКим-ц2т]

*a small Russian bisexual cat subscribes and raises her paw to greet common sense, analytical skills and sense of dignity of the author*

[@melissas4226]

Being bi is just so hecking confusing, it cannot be described. Howver you do an amazing job and tbh I’ve been having bi panic about the master doc and comp het for an annoying amount of time now (thanks contra) and this was such a great video to come across 😌 luv u and thank you xx

[@san_aria]

I know this video is from 2 years ago and the lesbian masterdoc one is as well, but I must admit that your critique of it helped me to not go insane lol. Even if you discussed the issues with it, I still believe myself to be a lesbian. Even though I thought I was into men as others were (even though I never found irl men to be attractive only the drawn ones with feminine features), ultimately I was into gaining men's approval and being appreciated by men but not being into them themselves. On the other hand, with women I can truly have this drive to initiate, like this sparkle of energy and warmth. I think people who were against your video didn't understand your intentions or they were simply insecure with confronting their inner demons (especially if they were afraid of men, they would rather run away even though they actually did feel attraction to men). I have quite similar experiences as those people, so being afraid is quite understandable. Nonethless, being so harsh towards you was uncalled for... but what else can we expect from the internet these days? That bit from the lesbian masterdoc when you were laughing at wanting to fuck a guy's body but not the face was so funny I was laughing so hard at the reaction lmaoo

[@athenabrown3117]

Honestly, I really struggled with the idea that i shouldn't be bisexual because I had the distinct feeling that lesbians had... More of a community, more of an "actual culture" behind it, and that if I was bisexual then not only was I worse and more foolish for wanting to date men, but I was also "missing out" on aspects of lesbian culture like butch and femme identities, and the very label Lesbian, which is appealing because of the way with which it validates both one's gender and sexuality in the same word, which bisexual does not do, obviously. Sapphic exists, yes, but it almost feels like a refusal to make a "real statement" on my sexuality. It also didn't help that I was a heavily closeted teenager surrounded by homophobes and transphobes who spent most of her time on the internet, so the "LGBT communities" I was experiencing were like, highly segregated discord servers and such divided into "lesbian" "sapphic" "mlm" "transfeminine" "transmasculine" "nonbinary", and so the idea that I might shift from nonbinary to transfeminine to mlm to lesbian to sapphic felt like I was betraying one "side" and moving to the next. Not to mention the fact that communities _for_ bisexuals specifically basically didn't exist, not as far as I was aware. It was either the label lesbian, or the label sapphic, which i essentially saw as "lesbianism lite" because it included bisexuals.

[@lid2966]

I really appreciated the final messages of the video. It would be nice to have a doc that evolves

[@barbarasalviano388]

Honestly, thank you for this video. I identify as bi and have had some issues with men and liking men, experiencing compulsory heterosexuality and stuff, and reading the lesbian masterdoc made me question my sexuality even more, and it just didn't make me feel valid as a bisexual and I thought all the good things I've experienced with men were a lie and I was just pretending. For a while I even debated on whether I should identify as a lesbian. This was very enlightening and it took a weight off of my shoulders, so thank you.

[@teedragon4421]

First of, thank you for the video you made before this one. As a late bloomer bi, i was extremly confused by the doc cus i KNEW i wasn't a lesbian but everyone was telling me otherwise. And also, i appreciate the last part of this video when you stood your ground when you mentioned not making this more accessible for non-bisexual people. So many things are made from homosexual binary m/m w/w and they rarely consider the bisexual experience. So thank you for centering that in this and all your vids!

[@cenedrariva4990]

its interesting that people would claim that comphet is only applicable to lesbians, because if we go by the definition from the original essay given for compulsory heterosexuality, wouldn't that in many ways also apply to bi and gay men? like specifically that the society around them doesn't present dating other men as an actual option, and so they might dismiss or ignore their own attraction when it occurs? but i suppose if you're redefining compulsory heterosexuality to mean "all pleasure queer women feel with men is a fake trick" then including men and bi women in the experience of compulsory heterosexuality doesn't make sense

[@WhichDoctor1]

I grew up as a boy, and I knew I was attracted to men since I was a young teenager. But I never felt like I could act on it because I lived in a very heterosexual comunity and I'm more attracted to fem people. So I felt like I wasn't gay enough to not be straight. I've only really started to embrace my full range of attraction since I've come out as enby. I guess breaking down one barrier helped break down another. And as nonbinary I didn't feel any social pressure to not like men, in fact as a fem presenting person I actually started feeling some degree of expectation to find masculine people attractive. That wasn't coming from other people either, it was coming from inside me. The more I started seeing myself as feminine a part of my brain that had been trained by society went from saying "people who look like you shouldn't have sex with men" to "people who look like you should want to have sex with men". I went through a short period of thinking my pole of attraction was actually flipping from fem to masc where its always been solidly 70/30 fem/masc before. But after I realized what was happening and where these expectations were coming from the desperate drive to be mounted by a big muscular man eased off (although didn't go away ;3) and I came to a more nuanced understanding of my attractions. As far as I can see that's the purest distillation of Comphet. And I'm not going to let anyone tell me that I didn't experience it just because I don't call myself a lesbian.

[@FatimaAlkinani-rw3of]

I actually relate to the part where you couldn’t act on your attraction to the same sex because that’s literally me, except I am a girl who likes women but can’t act on it and I also relate to the part where you said you didn’t feel gay enough because you femme presenting people more than masculine people, I am like that but the opposite I really like masculine people that at one point I thought I was bi with a preference for men but now I am bi with a preference for masculine people. So if I did have a ratio(which I don’t since I hate ratios and feel like they are restricting) it would be either 80/20 masculine/femmes or 60/40. But now I just accept that my bisexuality is like pan with a slight preference for masculinity since I think men, women, and enbys are hot asf. Also I know let my self have a wide range of attraction and not go on bi tik tok since I don’t relate to it and most of the girls their are very female leaning and mostly gay. And as much I like women and think their pretty and soft I can’t relate because I don’t have a preference for girls. And plus the only bisexuals I can relate to are the very bi bisexuals who are more pansexual and find everyone hot which is what I am.

[@raphaelbell2791]

Yeah as a bi enby who has previously identified as a lesbian... Just want to add to those saying comphet Tumblr posts have been pretty confusing for me. This video actually helped a lot.

[@Audreyperson37]

I watch these 3ish videos & the Bi cycle every time I hit some rough terrain in my bi cycle thank you these help me so much

[@molloblin]

Sometimes I feel as though the homosexual community, especially during the earlier stages of modern ‘gay rights’ movements, steered extremely hard into the ‘I was just born this way, I can’t help it’ mantra as a way of justifying their lifestyles to a chiefly heteronormative and commonly religious society (re: God made me this way). Maybe it was easier to swallow for people who didn’t like the taste, or maybe, treating homosexuality as an inherent identity, an unwavering essence that has always existed and will never change, was very validating and gave people a sturdy leg to stand on, so to speak, for feeling confident in their attractions. While understandable, it can be a kind of black and white way of thinking about a very nuanced human experience, and when confronted with the ‘grey everything-in-between zone’, people who comfortably exist in that headspace become fearful that their definition of themselves and way of explaining their experiences is being brought into question. If homosexuality is a choice, then is what I’ve been telling myself all this time still true? It kind of throws all the absolute self-assuredness out the window and forces people to think in a more complex way about their feelings in a greater context. That’s sort of an issue IMO with hard set labels - ‘who I am’ rather than ‘what I do’ ideologies can breed ownership disputes, gate-keeping and flat out denial of people who don’t fit the mould. The anger and defensiveness sometimes stems from genuinely feeling hurt by the opposite side (heteronormative culture) and that resentment then applies to anyone that isn’t helping them hold onto that pendulum swung completely to one side - they’re traitors, consorting with the enemy. I believe that a man happily married to a woman for 50 years can get a divorce and find pleasure in a new relationship with a man and that doesn’t necessarily mean he was gay all along or that his heartfelt love for his wife was ‘fake’ all these years. Sexuality can be more complicated and fluid and even (gasp!) change over time as you never stop growing and experiencing life as a human being. Real people don’t exist only to fit a narrative that keeps others more comfortable. Maybe now we can recognize that we are past the part where we have to make gayness fit into a one-sided culture and we can let that pendulum swing back to centre a little more to be more inclusive of the spectrum.

[@Inspirit-gp4dp]

damn... you kinda blew my mind lol straight facts

[@RaptieFeathers]

I'm a lesbian. For a long time, I kept defining my identity based on external descriptors, and thought I was bi/pan... But that never felt quite right to me. Then I found out someone I looked up to was both a lesbian _and_ happily married to a man. That... That blew my mind, because I realized that that we have the freedom to apply labels to ourselves. I'm much happier now.

[@scarletempress2652]

How does that work though?

[@Doodlebob108]

Wait, people think comphet is only for lesbians? What about gay men who feel like they have to date women? That's still very much a thing. Is there a different term for that? Or do we just ignore that?

[@sarahtonen719]

Compulsory heterosexuality was just a theory in the 80s. I would argue that anyone in the lgbtq+ community can experience it. It just if lesbians see it as an all person experience its a threat to them and they may not actually be lesbians- that's why they defend it so much.

[@jaclyncooley5983]

these videos, especially this one has been more helpful than all the internet searches i have done and i am so grateful.