Complex Trauma Can Cause Attachment Issues, Fuelled by Fear

Attachment issues often stem from someone being unable to authentically connect to a safe adult when they were a child. This lack of connection results in fear of abandonment or rejection.
These subconscious fears may lead to masking your authentic self, your needs, and your desires. You may feel that because parents or other adults/caregivers didn’t want to connect with you, that everyone you meet will eventually reject you. This fear then becomes something you carry into adult life and into every relationship.
You feel anxious that the authentic version of you is too much, or too messed-up for anyone to accept so in order to cope with this fear, you may try to mask who you are by pretending you have no needs or desires. However, you do have needs, and these will be left unmet if you live this way, which can result in all kinds of other issues including anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and even physical symptoms.
If this sounds like something you’re familiar with and would like to dig into understanding your needs more and learning how to meet them in healthy ways, join us in our 12 Basic Needs course. Live now on our website at timfletcher.ca
#healthy #healing #relationships #mentalhealth #complextrauma #addictionrecovery #addiction #complextraumarecovery #cbt #timfletcher #fy #fyp #mentalhealthawareness #shorts
#healingcomplextrauma #signsofhealing #narcissism #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticabuserecovery #recovery #basicneeds #12basicneeds

[@Sunshine36922]

We’re all afraid to show our true selves, to discover our true selves, to just relax and let our true selves shine through because we think they rejected us. In reality, for me anyway, they never even knew me. They never took the time to know me, so they didn’t reject “me”. I have no reason to fear being myself. They really did not know me! It was something going on with them, not me. Thank you for this video that finally got this to sink in.

[@olgakim4848]

Absolutely. They don’t want to know who you really are because they might find out that you’re better than all of them, smarter, more talented, kinder with empathy and not absolutely self-centered and self-obsessed and miserable like them. Way too threatening to their fragile egos and damaged selves. So they just imagine who you are in their heads, someone inferior to them, but at the same time they feel threatened by you and try to keep you in a certain role in the family. I’m done with that nonsense. Now I’m all alone in the world, and that’s fine because I have me. 💚🌱💙

[@Sunshine36922]

Right on ❤ perhaps we showed them that part of our true selves, with all the attributes you listed, early on and this was how they dealt with it - fear, panic, cruelty. The quickest way to shut us down. We gotta let these restraints we put on our true selves go! These are stellar attributes we possess, healthy families would have nurtured these parts of us not stomped on them! Wow, just wow, time to be who we truly are and let go of all insults, gaslighting and suppression. Time to be free ❤❤❤ the world needs more of all that you listed. Thank you Tim ❤and OlgaKim❤

[@Kristen10-22]

Right?

[@gloriarangott8803]

Yes, this is exactly how it was growing up...yes I feared rejection and abandonment, and it has ruined so much throughout my life ...😢

[@TheDavveponken]

It just dawned on me now that the fear of rejection and abandonment isn't, at least for me, irrational, but a natural outcome of having been rejected and abandoned then and there by my parents. They did so repeatedly throughout all those years whenever I expressed anything true about myself or needed their recognition and support. Even though they were always physically there, they were never there emotionally. They never cared enough to see i was suffering by their actions. The truth was too uncomfortable to them - the fact that they were being inconsiderate or ill fit to be a parent. Hoping not everything is in ruin and that you will find some peace and meaning to your life going forward.

[@TheDavveponken]

I learned: No one will listen to me unless I am brilliant, because my parents never really listened to me. So I hide myself away and become this brilliant person, or die trying. And even if I were to succeed I feel like a fake, because in a lot of ways I am. I've discarded people because they didn't fit the mold I wanted for myself (even if I genuinely liked them).

[@martagilvazartlife]

i couldn't have written it better, i have had this running thought since i was little, " will someone find me , how will they know i can do all these creative things, will i be mentioned?"

[@iBi_uBu]

🎯

[@TheDavveponken]

@@martagilvazartlife this right here is actually one of the reasons I'm still around. (I got tired of being suspicious of everyone and got brainwashed by psychiatry to accept, only for a slither, that I was the problem, that my reactions and feelings were an exaggeration due to "adhd", so I was poisoned by ritalin. And now my brain consist of mere ruins.) This, and the fact that I may in fact be able to help others somehow. So they don't end up like me. But god do I want to be seen for the genius that I am (as do most people I suppose), or at least could have been, had I not been riddled with anxiety. Not sure where this was going, but the ego does serve a purpose. Far greater than "we" (the emotionally, or otherwise, neglected) allow it to. All the best, may you find your strength to show (and not having to show) your worth. Know your worth. Lots of love.

[@martagilvazartlife]

@TheDavveponken Thank you, warmly wishing you the same back. The things we could have done,what have we done that is our own desirable doing or the mere result of survival I wonder,then you're 52 and still hearing the kind of compliment from the outsider that thankfully doesn't understand why the "success " wasn't elevated and cashed in on ,the ol' " if I could do what you do,I'd be filthy rich" or you're so good at seeing through people you should be a councillor" , can't say I haven't played with the idea (to aid others) Your mind may have been asleep but your insight is alive and well it seems . I don't know where this was going either but I suppose it just continues.

[@TheDavveponken]

@@martagilvazartlife Thank you

[@Kanderz7]

Who in their right mind would want to connect with me? i don’t even know who i am. I never developed into a person. It wasn’t allowed. I was forced to be who my patents said, to act how they said, to shut down my needs and feelings. To put moms needs/wants ahead of mine. Dad’s to a lesser extent than hers ahead of mine too. I learned I didn’t matter, and just be quiet. So now as an adult entire portions of “me” are lost. I have forgiven them (although they are not sorry) and am starting to heal from the abuse. But yes the fear of rejection is real to this day - if I actually had a friend - which I don’t - and they realized there’s no substance to me they would have no reason to stay friends with me. Why would they.

[@paxchristi1661]

For me that constant unending cycle to be of some substance for Love pains me.

[@rachelbartlett1970]

You don't have to be a fully formed person in order to start making friends. You will be the result of whatever happens between you and your friends. Your identity will grow as your friends discover who you are. One of the most wonderful gifts my currently closest friend, J, gave me was a funny plastic doll with the label 'pathfinder". I'm in tears recalling this, but my bbf, M, (who died a year ago) used to say of me, 'If there is a way to get something done, Rachel will find it". The fact my new friend can see my archetype, a pathfinder, means she can truly see me. This is your goal. Your archetype is already in you, you just need to let your new friends discover it. You can do it.

[@boxelder9167]

I believed that I was too broken to be worthy of love. As a result that was generally my experience. But when I look at a broken person I see the beauty in them. So if I look and see that in them then it must be in me also. I started by treating myself with the same kindness that I have for others and I found that most of the problems cleared up. I stopped looking for someone to love me and started talking care of myself better. Secondly it pays to consider the source. The people who raised me were sick and I was putting too much stock into what they said and it turns out it wasn’t even true or accurate. They were adults and I was a child so I took their word for it but they were just sick and wrong. Once I realized they weren’t reliable I was able to form new beliefs and was set free from their prison of lies. Our value comes from our creator and not from what others have spoken over us. Our true value is priceless. It’s time to learn our true value and stop selling ourselves short to manipulative and controlling people. I am telling you this as someone who was treated worse than an animal. I have been beaten, tortured, neglected, forced to sleep naked on the concrete floor and eat out of a dog dish on the floor. I was told that I was just an animal and treated as such. But I don’t have to wear that anymore. It messed me up for a long time but I don’t have to be what they said I was just so that they could be ok. I escaped that house when I was 15 but it took many more years for me to realize I wasn’t free if I was still stuck with the same toxic beliefs that imprisoned my mind long after my body was free. I give you permission to live and find out who God created you to be. If the Devil was trying that hard to destroy you then you must be someone who is pretty amazing. The only tools the Devil has is lies and deception. The only way they can work is if we come into agreement with him. The truth will set us free. But we must seek the truth.

[@andreav1706]

@@boxelder9167❤🙏🌈

[@suegibbons858]

There are plenty of us out there who could have written what you did.. You just need to find your tribe. Your people! The ones who know who you are without even saying a word ❤

[@sarahjmount9221]

So right on. Tim is incredible. Entire lives can be spent that way unless people are lucky enough to discover complex trauma and someone who understands it so deeply as Tim does. Thanks again for sharing your words of wisdom. ❤

[@lamarevans7954]

Fall in love with the person you see in the mirror who has been through so much and is still standing.

[@joytucker7393]

He has explained me so I can finally understand myself and my behaviors. I has talked with friends and we have spent so much time trying to figure this out. Why we get into bad marriages and do the behaviors. I wish I could have had this before so I could have raised my children without the drama and pain. He has explained and I am finally able to stop my panic attacks and start doing things I’ve wanted to do for over 20 years! I’m so glad he is sharing this. It has helped me so much! I hope he can help others and we can start to get better as a whole. I hope I can live the life a have always wanted and feel less crazy. I feel less alone and can think more clearly. People that have judged me don’t bother me anymore. He has helped me stop beating myself up and start to make progress. I’m so glad for this channel. I watch it anytime I have a question? I can say a prayer and the right one comes up for me. I did that yesterday and it made such a difference. Thank you so much! Pastor Tim Fletcher is amazing and a God sent!

[@concernedcitizen2076]

The wisdom from pastor Tim Fletcher has helped me tremendously. Thank you Sir.

[@oneoffivethousand]

Tim...this is incredible. Thank you for posting these excerpts!

[@Book3kk]

Trauma IS creating the attachment styles and the way we attach and we respond to the world.

[@gladwelltailor]

Very true God restore all going through narcissistic abuse in families,✍🏾📚📖🛐✝️🙏🏾

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

This was my experience, then something changed. Im undiagnosed middle aged autistic. My state doesn't have adult assessments even available. However ive recently found myself drawn into an autistic community. I believe God put that particular creator there for my to find so i can experience acceptance for being myself. It's helped to have that outlet and a place where I'm getting that connection needa met. So ive descovered it was because i wasn't getting any social needs met at all and was starved for depth and connection

[@RR-pn6kf]

I don’t think it’s “Mom & Dad didn’t want to connect with me” but more like Mom & Dad were told not to hold the baby so much or the Baby would get spoiled and most Parents did not know how to connect as that is something that was never taught or spoken about! I now as a Grama of 2 grandboys am trying my best to connect w my grandchildren and reconnect w my adult Children!! It’s never too late!!!. 🌻

[@scarlettking8246]

It's a sad way to live.... non person. Thanks for your help in healing cptsd

[@SailorAlexander]

Incredible as always Tim, you have inspired me so much to write music about everything you teach. ❤

[@stephbyerly9491]

Tim you are an absolute GEM 💎

[@ayemiksenoj5254]

I used to believe this. It still sits in my core to some degree. What I finally realized is there's a commonality piece missing when it comes to this kind of thought process and conversation. Often because we don't really know or like(not love, like) who we are we can(and tend to) attract people we don't align or have much in common with. Once you start to realize that its not necessarily you or that person, it's the both of you together, you can start to move forward. Then when you discover your uniqueness and become more intrigued about yourself and those that hold similar beliefs and values it helps to attract those people to you. However, I must admit depending on what you've been through this could be extremely difficult. Unfortunately, if you are a person who's life and experiences are truly rare/different it may take years. You may only find one person or you may end up with several different people to fill in what you long for in one or a few people.

[@jfdc8432]

He is always so spot on! Great gratitude to this man

[@didie7700]

A “fun fact” is that you’ll never be respected by some people. You can do everything exactly as THEY want and like, and they’ll never ever respect you anyway. They’ll always find a way to mock you, bully you, disrespect you. Because it’s who they are. It’s not about you and never was. If they don’t respect you and nonetheless are near you because of family or “societal” reasons (so you didn’t choose them but yet they’re around you with their toxicity), just let them go…”turn away and fade to grey”. Be the “bad” person, cut the ties, choose yourself. Because they’ll never choose you, and in the process of “pleasing” their toxic egos, you’ll lose yourself.

[@jeanettehingebjerg5167]

❤Its literally a whole generation...in the hood I grew up anyway❤ Really soothing to hear it also🙏❤️ Theres nothing wrong with me,

[@realjasoncart]

This is honestly how it feels trying to connect with people. Most people in America wear masks constantly

[@sarahalderman3126]

Yes, that is to be expected given our society and the trauma it causes. With more that 25% of little girls being sexually molested before the age of 18, 50+ divorced families, and the massive exploitation of countless young girls via porn/social media it is quite literally to be expected.

[@cruelangel7737]

Thank you so much. That's exactly it. Finally I know what the hell is going on. After 29 years. Thank you so much for this video.

[@1991laurenbaldwin]

Wow. I never looked at it like that. This is so true.

[@jenniferm5980]

I needed to hear you today. Thank you.

[@judithvb100]

So true

[@JDobrozsi1]

Yep this is true with rejection and well I am grateful by God's grace and mercy that I overcame that part of my journey and there are those who won't reject me. I am at that point where I am learning to not isolate myself and have healthy relationships. Don't lose hope for those of you out there who feel rejected right now because there are those who won't reject you in life. Sometimes it takes being rejected enough to learn that there are those who won't. I know that is difficult and painful but sometimes that is the way that we find out there are good people out there. Sometimes you have to go against the grain to see the change you want. It really is worth it and it's something I have to keep telling myself as well.

[@Adam-sm5zf]

That hit way too close to home. This perfectly sums up how I attach to people

[@suekelsey1329]

Thank You very much This is me so much My life is from that point of view

[@sarahcouture24]

So true...

[@Ultraroyal13]

It’s a long road….

[@Kristen10-22]

💥 NAILED IT! Exactly me to a “T”

[@cristysmith3797]

Facts

[@Swiftiecatz13]

Exactly 1000 percent and im just realizing this years later 😢😢😢😢

[@AffirmativeArtsOnTheRoad]

But this one is DEFINITELY TRUE ABOUT ME....THAT'S WHY I JUST STAY BY MYSELF....SAVES US ALL THE TROUBLE AND PAIN...

[@alisadunn5443]

Yikes. Yes, with my hearing loss.

[@wildchildliving]

FACTS

[@user-mm2kx9kd7d]

That’s true though.

[@blewdraaz1057]

Non of this was concious for me in pre verbal trauma. I shut down when i was very little. Both my parents and people round me were terribly abusive and violent. Im still detached and disconnected with myself

[@ccmayhem7549]

The reality is that just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they actually won't reject you. Generally, there is a reason even a parent wants nothing to do with you.

[@Thomas_Winters]

Narcissistic parent

[@Seekfind]

🙏

[@danielanelamaa1861]

It's me😭😭

[@maritaandersson9394]

❤❤❤

[@10CBB]

Im scared of people i dont want them molding my brain anymore ew

[@andriyandriychuk]

I like your t-shirts

[@thebluebutterfly5177]

Correct me if I am wrong. I absolutely recognise this in me now, at 47 following childhood trauma and complex trauma from Ongoing betrayal and infidelity, I now feel this way. But looking at it from the perspective of the man who has rejected me who has also experienced childhood trauma and is a narcissist, isolating himself to the extent where he has acted out to prove he should be rejected. Is this a thing or am I making that up. I am not denying my part as a co narcissist. Tim’s videos have helped so much but I just would like some clarification on this? He won’t work with me to even make it better so we can coparent our children. He just accepts the worst, accepts the rejection, welcomes it even. Like it was his plan all along.

[@brisimon3832]

Do you do one on one sessions? Thank you!

[@Thunderroad8517]

Is there more to this video? How do I find it?

[@ConcasserSan]

I need this information too!

[@mamie374]

Does anyone know what the title of the full video is?

[@ConcasserSan]

I would like to know too! Please!

[@user-em8on8py9z]

Thats a Narcissist.