Conscious Parenting with Dr. SHEFALI TSABARY

What if raising children didn’t have to be stressful and exhausting? What if we could become more joyful, let go our of ego and expectations of our children, and love them just the way they are in the present moment? Dr. Shefali Tsabary shares powerful insights on how to be the parent our children really need us to be. These foundational principles on healing our own inner wounds, simplifying our lives, and honoring their uniqueness and autonomy, helps us better connect with our children and create a peaceful family life.
Dr. Shefali is a clinical physiologist, public speaker, and NYT best selling author, including her two landmark books “The Conscious Parent” and “The Awakened Family,” which are some of my favorite parenting books. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. Her insights will blow you away, bringing to light thought processes that we often don’t consider because of all the layers of experiences we’ve had growing up in our own life and cultural norms.
In this episode we over:
- What the true role of the parent is
- The most common mistakes people make in parenting
- How we can become more joyful, less stressful and less burned out
- How to let go of the desire to obsessively control your child’s behavior
- Connection with our children first being more important than correction
- Helping children thrive who are naturally high spirited and resistant to boundaries
- Fostering sibling relationships
- How to best help siblings during their conflict and rivalry
- The philosophy in raising our children in a respectful way, appreciating their wholeness as people now, while also allowing for an understanding of their developing brains and a need for guidance and boundaries
- Becoming aware of our egos and agendas for our children, and how to work to let it go
- Handling anger and developing patience with our children
- Helping our children manage their big feelings
- Screen time, technology, and social media use for children
Where to find Dr. Shefali Tsabary
website: www.drshefali.com
Instagram: / doctorshefali
KZbin: / drshefali
Her courses: courses.drshefali.com
Where to find me:
Get my ebooks: www.ellenfisher.com/ebooks
My instagram: / ellenfisher
LISTEN to these episodes on Apple Podcast or Spotify: link.chtbl.com/ellenfisherpod
Family KZbin channel: / ellenfisher
Elevate your videos with record-label quality music from Musicbed:
share.mscbd.fm/ellenfisher

[@sarahwarner8431]

Some really cool things I’ve noticed are some parallels between Montessori homeschooling and conscious parenting. Both shine a light on the importance of a “prepared adult” as well as the teacher/parent being a guide for the child. Thanks so much for this beautiful conversation, Ellen! You’re both so inspiring and make me want to be the best parent that I can be.

[@karybelle515]

My 11 yr old girl and me were at the skate park a few months ago and when we were about to leave, this random woman came and asked my daughter “do u believe in god?” It was so random. Haha My daughter told her “ I dont know, Im still growing”. I just let her answer what she wanted of course and I was so proud of her and felt so blessed. Thanks for this podcast. Love and enjoy it. Every parent, grandparent, caretaker, teacher, everyy human should read and listen to her. ❤️✨

[@ashton6001]

She's incredible! And so nice you have her on your podcast! Another recommendation is Naomi Aldort, she's SO good when it comes to children and self directed learning and emotional resilience. Really worth having her on too! Thank you for sharing these conversations!

[@martaso643]

I loved that you asked about religion and I loved the answer to the question. Thank you for one more awesome episode, Ellen. I learn so much with you.

[@rachaelhentges5023]

I love listening to Ellen talk. Always inspired! Thanks for having her on your podcast too. 💖

[@theellenfisherpodcast]

thank you for your support and kindness, means so much to me!

[@leatolno222]

I don't have children, but I enjoyed this episode same as the previous ones! I completely agree that you need to heal yourself first, to be the best model for your children! If I can have that opinion as non parent 😉. Ellen thank you for your bravery to go in to the subjects that push people from their comfort zone! It's very necessary in today's world! Keep on the fantastic work!

[@presleecarson532]

I’m glad you don’t have a 13 year old boy who disrespects his mom and everyone all time it’s hit and miss I wish my family was happy I’m always stressed

[@kmiklec]

Her interview with Oprah Was game changer for me helped me to take parenting into complete another direction not Just in parenting but in spiritual growth. Conscious parent Was a game changer for me and im so super grateful for that

[@FemkeMuntzArt]

Thank you for this 🙌🏻. We have five children (one with high functioning autism, and one with ADHD, and all highly sensitive). It’s been and still is a struggle to meet everyone’s needs, and to create a harmonious peaceful family life. We’re stressed all the time and try everything to make things easier and happier for everyone. I can’t wait to read her books! Thanks again! 💜

[@gunnikr]

We have two adhd kids and very sensitive and I think we have a very loud household (yelling or laughing). I think it just comes with the territory.

[@marissa9747]

I thought this talk was full of amazing advice for conscious parenting! I am going to go back through it and write down some quotes to have as reminders (:

[@barka2516]

Great

[@TheThelenita]

I thought Dr.Shefali was about “spiritual print behind everything” including relationships between siblings. Now after hearing her strange response about religion I am beyond confused. She used to say different things.

[@basoraja5029]

Nice joint with you in your podcast# from Indonesia🇮🇩

[@gftmgftm9160]

Thank you both so much!!! 🌺💐

[@staciemurray514]

Loved this!

[@katiestegman8083]

Even though my son is 15, so much of what she says still applies. Especially now that he's going out in the world with a lot more independence. I just wish I had heard this when he was young - it would have taken off some of the pressure I put on myself. Great episode!

[@kmiklec]

Cant wait to watch this

[@juliaworksonstuff]

Thank you so much for this. ❤️

[@SarymaryQuiteContrary]

What a wonderful podcast, thank you Ellen. Much love from Germany xxx

[@kellymah8646]

Loved it. A refreshing and much needed reminder! Thanks Ellen and Dr. Shefali!

[@cydbott]

Great video. Thank you for this!!

[@krymcp]

Wowowow! This iss soooo interesting 😍

[@lucianas4919]

I really enjoyed this episode Ellen, thank you for covering this topic.

[@user-lq9cr7lf4q]

Alan is such an inspiration. Thank you for this quality and important content. you're amazing

[@LivingUnconventionally]

LOVE this

[@TheSelfishEarth]

Thank you for saying that is okay for two parents to have different ways to approach parenting. I was really struggle with this in the last few months 🙏

[@jamilasfridge7467]

wow just wow thank you!

[@presleecarson532]

Amen

[@the-purple-life]

Thank you for this Ellen, this was an amazing episode! i'll probably watch it a few times!

[@sierra8330]

My son has ADHD and is highly sensitive. His greatest desire in life is video gaming (which was introduced by husband-who loved them as a kid and is a tech guy in our school district). My son is almost 10 now and poses the question “If you want me to follow my dreams and pursue my passions, why don’t you let me play more video games, post on KZbin my creations and indulge my passion?” Our answer is usually that too much screen time is not healthy for his growing brain, even if he’s working on his passion. It’s all he thinks about and talks about and wants. I’m not sure what is right if I’m supposed to let him be himself. This has been an ongoing issue. I’d love some help. He currently is doing 45 min. a day. But my instinct is to say nothing during the school week and 1 hour on Saturday. But, he will flip out. Help!!!

[@nicoles.higginbotham8984]

Great episode 👏

[@presleecarson532]

You can say that again

[@evarosegger631]

This is sooo helpful!! Thank you both for this wonderful conversation 💘

[@theellenfisherpodcast]

im so glad you enjoyed it and found it helpful!!

[@maisieliberty1319]

I really appreciate conscious parenting and similar names given to this approach. I've read blogs on it and worked I'm childcare setting which take inspiration from it in their approach and support it and could see it being a good thing in practice. But I disagree with her remarks on rasing kids with religion. I think parents have every right to raise kids according to their culture and beliefs, it is part of the beautiful diversity of the world. I do think it is possible to have religious beliefs and still be open and flexible to your kids. So being a conscious parent doesn't mean you don't celebrate your religion or teach it tonyour kids I don't think this needs to come with it personally. I've seen religious people be excellent conscious parents. I love Ellen's videos and totally love the example she gives of positivity and gentleness and love to children and life she shows.

[@rajitharatnayake5018]

Wow

[@biancaehrenfellner2681]

would love a podcast episode with your sister :)

[@presleecarson532]

Yessss

[@julianamartinez9244]

Hi Ellen , I have watched you for the longest time and I really enjoy your content. I have always love to show my mother your content but sadly she does not speak english , I have tried to translate some things but is not the same. Could you maybe think about putting some Spanish subtitles? Maybe that way you could reach a broader audience . Keep up the good work !

[@presleecarson532]

Yes different language subtitles moves have them now it’s right to put it on everyone channel

[@emberdt7998]

I plan on my son at least having a gabb phone or something similar once he reaches the age where he is going out on his own to friends homes ect. A gabb phone doesn't have all the apps on it. Just texting and you see all their interactions.

[@kales2293]

I just got my daughter one and I LOVE it

[@16handsoflove70]

Is there a reason the video won’t play?

[@mvmoni]

I love your podcast Ellen, but I had soo many ads that it was super annoying! I had at least 15 advertisements and I am even not at the end. Maybe you can't change it, but if - please a little bit less :)

[@presleecarson532]

Y’all are awesome keep being you happy 😊 stay strong and safe my aunt got Covid think before you act go check out pura vida bracelets and earth hero save the planet perfect isn’t real neither is normal go bless all parents take a vacation by yourself listen to nature do better save money time ignore haters

[@k92wilding16]

I really love this interview but I have a strong caution... please, I beg of you all, PLEASE don't just leave it up to the children to deal with their own disagreement and teasing because it can lead to bullying and abuse. My parents did everything you two discussed and it turned from "light" bullying to full blown abuse and my parents would tell my little brother the exact words you said Ellen "if being called a baby didn't bother you he will stop", and "if you don't react they will stop", "don't tattle tale! Don't tell us we aren't gonna listen stick up for yourself." For him it became, no one is here to help me and I have 2 older siblings who will push me til I am sobbing and all I'm told is that I am not tough enough, I'm am a baby cause I can't handle it. It was horrible and it turned into my little brother becoming physically abusive to our younger sister cause that's all he could do to make it stop. He became anger and violent and everyone put it on him and still to this day dismiss all the bullying and abuse he was forced to sustained with no help.

[@TheThelenita]

Very good point. She is kinda pro-bully in a way that she feels that this kid is “wounded, disempowered”, can be changed. I think bullying is a very complex subject to deal with and “pouring more love onto the bully” just does not help

[@k92wilding16]

@@TheThelenita At least not in all situations no. Yes we still love the "bully" child and show them our unconditional love but we also need them to know that it's not ok and shower the "taddle tale" in the same light. No demonizing, no victim blaming, no checking out as a far mediator which, within the other videos of Ellen that I have seen, that's usually what it seems she does but there is also a large difference between stable and unstable/abusive house holds and that needs to be addressed.

[@TheThelenita]

@@k92wilding16exactly. I saw a “Milton’s secret” trailer where Dr.Shefali was empathizing with a bully and kinda denying that “bully’s victims” are real - stating that they have already been told that they are “bad” at home or somewhere else therefore they are more ready to “absorb” the message that is coming from bully rather than standing up for oneself. I was a huge fan of Dr.Shefali now I take everything with a grain of salt

[@gunnikr]

No offense, but it sounds like there was a HUGE disconnect between parent child relationships in your household. What you stated above to an outsider sounds highly dysfunctional. To me it sounds more like permissive parenting than authoritative parenting. Your parents weren’t able to see the real situation of what was going on. What Dr. Shefali says is true but it’s VERY hard to practice it 100%.

[@kirstyhoughton3940]

How do you reduce phone time in young teens without causing conflict? Ideally they would never have had a phone but I gave in because I was trying to be understanding and empathetic, but now it is a battle even though she has a limit of 2 1/2 hours a day it is very obviously addictive and now reducing it causes upset between all. This podcast seems to contradict previous screen time podcasts in that we need to relate that social media is important for this generation but yet we know it is not healthy, advise please!

[@QueenSoap]

I was surprised by her answer about screentime, because it seems like she's saying to let them just do their thing except for this one thing. I personally think parents have gotten extreme about screentime. Some of the smartest people I know grew up watching a ton of TV and playing video games. I'm not saying you should let your kid watch tv all day, but I do think it's one of those things that's intensely regulated for no reason and causes a ton of unnecessary stress for kids and parents alike.

[@Jwayne1020]

What are your religious beliefs?

[@TheThelenita]

31:56 It is super polar for her - either life sustaining things like shower and the rest is just “unnecessary things”. Also this comment about 1600$ dollar shoes - is not of her business what parents buy for their children.

[@YehavHartman]

TSABARY.. that's an Israeli name

[@Brajesvari_108]

I don't necessarily agree with the part where she states religious beliefs were created by man....regardless of which you may hold, all are coming from sacred teachings that in essence teach the necessary and essential value of the spirit, which is beyond the bodily form of human life. This understanding is a pillar of our very existence...We are not these bodies we are the soul inhabiting them. We are doing a disservice to ourselves and our children if we hold no spiritual faith or do not share our beliefs with them.... This body, this world, is all temporary and our actions determine our results on the grand scale of things.. I feel that every human being needs to have a greater understanding and connection beyond themselves and spirituality or religion can teach us this. This is foundational to our very being and existence, it allows us to connect and see that living source within all other beings. It has nothing to do with imposing upon your child, rather opening your child to the awareness of a magnificent power beyond themselves. It's about allowing them to build their own faith, by first being a model of your own.

[@theellenfisherpodcast]

This is a beautiful response and I resonate so much with what you said. I do also see the other perspective, coming from my own experience growing up, where it really depends on the way the parents go about teaching their children about faith. If a child is taught "THIS specific religion is the truth, and you cannot question any other sort of faith or belief." or "you can look into other beliefs/thought processes, but you HAVE to always come back to THIS answer because I KNOW it's the truth"(that the parent believes), I can see that being damaging and not helpful. Rather, if teaching a child the way you explained it, and allowing for nuance and openness as they grow, speaking clearly that "this is what I believe, but you as you get older you might come to a different conclusion than me," accepting that they might not come to the same conclusion as you (the parent) when they grow up, and accepting that, and loving them regardless, not being fearful they will "go to hell" if they don't believe what you do - then that is a healthy environment for children on the topic of faith. Thoughts?

[@shine9080]

You could not express it better than that. Thank you. In our modern era is often forgotten how religions can help to empower every human, teaching deep values in life, help to live healthier far from achievements and materialism, never ending plans/structures but simply finding inspiration for the better self. Our children could benefit with it once they learn the real essence of it. As usually they refer to each parent as role model they often pick what parents believe and if we’ve been good enough than it will not be imposed but naturally inspired. I guess…

[@Brajesvari_108]

@The Ellen Fisher Podcast Yes completely agree, acting more as a guide than oppressive, is the overall message that I perceived through out the video. I feel as though it's not inherently wrong to want to protect your child from the perversions of society and as a result being stringent and firm in your faith or beliefs. I think those could be good qualities to have to teach your child to be unwavering and to stand for what they believe in (religion, lifestyle or otherwise). I also agree that there is a way that this can be done in a loving and open manner as discussed in the video. Religion is a such an indepth and complex topic, but from my personal studies I've learned that they have their purpose according to time, place, and the nature of people. Religions are like stepping stones on a grand spiritual staircase which leads to our highest spiritual potential. There really is only one true religion which is to realize our Nitya Dharma (the eternal occupation of the soul). Doing so is a step by step process, and religion may act as a foundational basis for spiritual development. Essentially every experience we have is a result of our past actions. Religion is a way to follow the rules of divinity according to an individual's nature to help them gradually build up strength to continue climbing the spiritual staircase. God gives a variety of ways to come to Him. Over all it simply helps develop the desire to achieve our highest spiritual potential by rectifying desires that may lead us towards our demise (greed, envy, lust, gluttony etc.) as well as to live more simply by understanding that this place is temporary and that there is an eternal place beyond temporary material sufferings. Thank you for this video and this nice conversation!

[@kaycevictoria9947]

your son is 19 & can't clean up his dinner plate without being told? I have to say thats crap that he'll do it on his own. my husband is a perfect example of that. he struggles to clean up after himself.

[@annajay163]

I remember Dr.Shefali speaking about Higher Power on Oprah’s masterclass. Now she sort of denies it. Classic narcissist

[@kristabowling1979]

I loved most of this but she needs to be cautious around religion. I felt very belittled and demeaned. She needs to take a more neutral stance when talking about it, otherwise a lot of ppl will be turned away from the good things she has to say.

[@danielcrowe1335]

I think it’s inappropriate for children of any age to be using curse words and shouldn’t be tolerated. Teach them to speak respectful to everyone. Treat others the way you want to be treated. They wouldn’t get away speaking like that to their teacher or boss. They need to learn from their parents respect for others. If children are saying curse words then reevaluate who their peers are and the environment they are in.

[@karenjacob6349]

Can’t stand that she lets her teen treat her like she treats her friends. I think there’s a reason why we are the parents and friends are not. That’s just pure disrespect in my opinion. Let’s keep it balanced and not loose the essence of what parenthood is about. It’s about training our kids to love God, love oneself and love others. Train them in the way they should go.

[@TheThelenita]

@Karen Jacob exactly.

[@TheThelenita]

@@mic9965 I think one thing is to have trust between a child and parents. But dropping the “f” word in front of your parents and making it about “friendship”.. is it ok though? Is it alright to be OK with this language at home/between a child and an adult who may have strong boundaries about this sort of language? Considering the fact that Dr.Shefali emphasizes the importance of one’s boundaries it is beyond weird that she is fine with it.

[@AS__704]

Karen, yes! As adults yes, we can have a more friend like relationship with our mothers. For children there needs to be more of a mom/child relationship. Yes, this looks diffrent with each year/genre of a child's life. Also she has only 1 child. She hasn't had the experience of dealing with multiple children who have diffrent personalities and characters. I might respect her if she had 3,4 or more children however that is not the case. And you are 100% correct in that it is our job to teach them about God and bring them up in His ways.

[@TheThelenita]

@@mic9965 yes, cussing can be form of relief - it is not always the case. But when the kid just drops/integrates the “f” word into his speech and use it often without any real reason than this is more of a bad habit.

[@TheThelenita]

@@mic9965 don’t adults have a real reason? :D there are plenty 🤣 And adults should control the use of “f” word etc. in front of the kids as well.