Counter Dependency and Love-Phobia

Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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[@RICHARDGRANNON]

0:00 Codependency And Counter Dependency 4:33 Cluster B Personality Disorders Are Actually All Expressions Of Codependency 5:51 Counter Dependent Looking Like A Classic Histrionic Or Borderline 8:11 Counter Dependency Looking Like Grandiose Narcissism 10:32 Never Get In A Relationship To Fix Someone 14:00 What Counter Dependents Need To Do To Overcome Counter Dependency Part 1 18:22 What Counter Dependents Need To Do To Overcome Counter Dependency Part 2 24:20 The Final Advice For Counter Dependents 26:13 Goodbye

[@gypsyrosetucker1838]

Richard could you please talk about what is going on when a co-dependant loses all interest in love. Is this a form of counter-dependency?

[@MFBOOM100]

Bad parenting is the worst crime of all.

[@hbhooooihbbgvv]

Ghost Note Absolutely!! Becoming a parent doesn't automatically mean one has the skills to be a good parent. My parents just did what their parents did, having recently confronted them about the abuse I suffered at their hands, I learned they were both abused as children. Break the cycle!

[@ACzechManGoingHisOwnWay]

I would rephrase it as: Becoming a parent - while one cannot guarantee a suitable environment and/or upbringing for their child - is the worst crime of all.

[@ursamagick]

Czech MGTOW. There are no guarantees in life. You do the best you can. As you learn more you can do better. Unlike your car, children don't come with a manual.

[@loose4bet]

Actually there are guarantees in life and especially on the negative side. For instance, if you hookup with losers/badboys you are pretty much guaranteed it will not end well for the future kid. Another example, if you have a kid while you're totally broke you are guaranteed the kid will suffer materially. More over, exactly like with cars there are books and smart people who can guide you how to handle child upbringing. If you don't think rationally and you don't put effort in your education BEFORE you have a kid, you don't do the best you can clearly. You fail-experiment on a kid in order to fulfill your desires.

[@loose4bet]

I never said anyone should do anything. I'm talking about the consequences of not thinking rationally and not educating yourself. Don't externalize, your life is in your hands most of the time in western culture.

[@DarthShadie]

I once dated a counter dependent. I was still rediscovering myself after narcissistic abuse, so I developed mind games when he pushed me away. I even once bought a plane ticket to travel to the UK and then got it reimbursed when he begged me to stay. Not one of my finer moments. When I understood that I was being manipulative in order for him to stop pushing me away, we broke up. He wasn't a bad guy, but very damaged, and I was very damaged.

[@manillascissor]

best explanation i've ever heard on counter-dependency. i could not understand my ex's ways and started labeling her as a narcissist. then a BPD. then a counter-dependent. today, i only say she is emotionally abusive, because that i can say with complete confidence and it allows me to focus on myself and not worry about "fixing" her. that's MY problem/issue :)

[@eva-janemiddleton434]

Yes. I too am aware of why I am trying to fix a loved one who pushes me away. That old chestnut of I hate you please don't leave me. Wow what a great breakthrough it is when we see it is not us but the partner that has the issues or the part we play in the relationship. Even thought about showing the man this video. He gets the co-dependency bit and why he is that way. He doesn't know what to do outwith that. I think a course on this could save us all a lot of hurt and self loathing.

[@anjanabapat883]

spmanillascissor ditto!

[@untraptbutterfly]

spmanillascissor 🎯🎯🎯

[@willowgray9287]

Same here!!! Never understood the “why” behind his behaviors. Researching, therapy, etc. trying to make sense of everything. His role and MY part in it. Thought for the longest time he might be a covert narcissist or on the spectrum. After watching this video, hearing about counter-dependency for the first time, it all makes sense. Like you, in the process of making peace with it & realizing I can’t fix him or our relationship. Cheers to the journey of healing!!

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

Life is more about having balls enough to go to places and get in contact with people, you have to have Balls, otherwise you stay in home and die and then it becomes worse, once you had the balls to go a few times to a place and meet connect people you have to withstand the social games they play there...... which is pretty exhausting and anxiety inducing. they play hierarchy games, they play bully games they play alliance games to exclude lesser liked human beings (me

[@Devotchka161]

Being alone on a desert island is a dream vacation to me

[@sojournerkarunatruth4406]

Devotchka lol I fantasize about being a prisoner and volunteering for the hole (40 days minimum)

[@marisamorais7830]

I thought I was the only one who ever thought of it. I went to Martha's Vineyard,a few years ago and my dream came true. And believe me...it was awful. We must heal, we deserve love and a real life. Hugs.

[@jellydarling1008]

I really relate. more to this then the abuse I suffered from. the duel nature is unbearable sometimes.

[@aurinkobay7118]

very tough place to be in .. i am counterdependent ..you are by yourself with 0 emotional support .. you have no one to share the good days and bad days

[@MFBOOM100]

The man thanks for your contribution to humanity and for delving into a rarely discussed area of human psychology. We definitely need many more videos like this.

[@micheledobb589]

Ghost Note I agree

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

no I am not, certainly not more than most and likely less.................

[@noelmay9]

I had to watch this a few times to get all the way through it. I realize now I've gone from codependence to counterdependence. Time to get humble and vulnerable! I've done lots towards regulating my emotions, so wish me luck on this next leg of my healing journey! Thanks for all your videos!

[@keekee1982]

I am less than 3 mins in, but thank you already. I'm a counter dependent & can never find enough info on it.

[@cesarrenteria5903]

Hold on a minute before you self diagnose incorretly

[@carletouk]

I definitely do the push pull always have . I absolutely know this developed in childhood (parents relationship was a shit show) but I don’t have the grandiose and self pitying part of it . I just don’t know how to change it I don’t feel like I can .

[@Battledrone]

@@carletouk Find counseling for your PTSD, that's one of the stones you can move out of the way. At least that's what I'm doing for now.

[@the51project]

me too - it has ruined all previous relationships - I pushed them all away. I'm now 54. If only this information was available 30 years earlier.

[@floatingpointz5903]

@@carletouk I would agree that comparing it to grandiosity or NPD can seem really strange except maybe from an outsider's perspective. I'm not sure about the other factors either. I'd agree that mindfulness training can help. Meditation has helped me immensely, and I've been insanely lucky to find a resilient, loving saint of a partner. Luckily, I didn't push so hard as to ruin it...yet...

[@alicejackson7676]

I'm going to listen to this a few times more. It hit home on many fronts concerning myself and a few others in my life. This really helps. I listen to all Richard's videos--this one is in the top 3 for me as far as being so true that I couldn't quite take it all in.

[@DDD2323-z5i]

(This is long, but please bear with me.) You literally just described me. I love studying psychology, and last night I came across the term “counter-dependence”. Usually if I find a term that fits me so deeply I would cry, but I didn’t. I’ve just been in awe since last night and I stayed up late studying this. Every article seems like it’s speaking to me. Want to share some things I found throughout my life that correlate with counter dependency. 1. This aligns with all my personality types, and other conditions. I am an enneagram type one, also called “The Perfectionist”. Ones have an innate fear of being bad or wrong and an overall goal of being right or good. A one in stress (unhealthy) becomes “preachy” and narcissistic. I also have OCD which goes along with this underlying theme. 2. I am 18 years old and have never dated anyone. I researched sexuality and romantic orientation a lot over the last few years. I have been identifying with the term aromantic for the past year now. Aromanticism means you are not capable of experiencing romantic attraction. I also consider myself bisexual. Every time I’ve thought I might have a crush on someone I get angry? I don’t know, it’s weird. I think “No. I don’t need them in my life. That will only take away part of my freedom. It’s not worth it. You don’t even like them like that.” 3. I have two best friends (practically my only friends) that I’ve known for 11 years. I recently got in an argument with one of them because I “don’t share anything”. I technically do have other friends but I don’t really consider them friends. My best friend always jokes around saying I’m toxic and says stuff like “wow you have abandonment issues” or that I act bipolar. They say it as a joke and we always laugh about it together but it really makes sense now. There’s only one problem. I didn’t have a traumatic childhood in any way. Literally. I think my childhood was really quite nice and rarely ever look back on it negatively. I’ve wondered if I’d had avoidant personality disorder before but that also stems from trauma, so I didn’t continue researching it. Sorry this was long and kind of TMI. Does anyone have any idea where this could come from? I really don’t know, and I want to find out.

[@MrClarissacain]

We don't always remember, or don't recognize the trauma as trauma. Observe the things that cause you to withdraw or lash out. Is someone dictating you emotions to you, like "you love this! You've always loved (x)." Or trying to make you do something you feel uncomfortable doing "come hiking with us it's fun and good for you!" My mother had my hearing tested because "i ignored her all the time" my hearing tested fine, so it's totally a behavioral problem. I'm just willful, right? Nope. I have an auditory processing issue. To this DAY the quickest way to trigger me is claiming im not listening. It's taken me a long long time to reflect back on how I was treated and recognize that it was just not good, since emotional manipulation doesn't leave visible marks.

[@kaleidojess]

Holly ... mother of.. actually my mind just got blown away..

[@randycrago1359]

I understand by your description that I am a counter-dependent. I’ve been in a relationship/marriage with a co-dependent for eighteen years. It is not at all how you explained it. It has never had a push/pull feel to it. There has always been love, respect, understanding, and encouragement for growth on both sides. I will say that that when I deal with people who are boundary encroachers, as with friends, family, and new acquaintances, I do have those reactions that you described.

[@Starlightndust]

I have been counter-dependent most of my life. I didn't date until I was 25 years old. From then onwards, my love life was a total f$%g disaster!! I was controlling, arrogant, self righteous and proud. I also became a workaholic. Dating, vulnerability, intimacy were alien and scary! Gosh, this video described how I used to be in a nutshell. I was extremely afraid of opening up m talking about "feelings".

[@texuztweety]

Long overdue, and so VERY relevant, thank you!!!

[@punkinp308]

This is really helpful, thank you. I was already thinking along these lines about a recent relationship, but this helps clarify my thinking. I knew he wasn't a narc, just someone who had been deeply hurt - now I see he was counter-dependent to my codependence. Push-pull, early boundary stepping, each intimate evening followed by weeks of silence, all of that but never any of the malice I'd experienced in earlier relationships. This time, it was less that I thought I could fix him and more that I thought love could fix us both. Obviously we were too fragile to make it work but we both got out with minimal damage and I for one learned a lot and got some good healing work out of it. I think it was a step in the right direction but also confirmation I have a lot more work to do.

[@dawnmason1525]

This Video has done more for my healing than 30+ years of intensive therapy. your videos opened my eyes to Narcissism in 2013 and literal saved my life. 3 months after watching, I left my 8 yr abuser. My sons are now showing alot of signs of NPD, Im not sure if there are traits, mimics/learned behavior or their BPD but I am going to share this with them now. I really want my youngest to understand about brain washing and how he was in the prime position for it. he participated with toxic family members to make me a scapegoat at my mothers death and we havent talked since. I hope for healing all around. Thank you for everything

[@cappykarma1754]

Counter dependany is a very bad & painful place to live... Thank you so much for addressing this.. . This is terrible the way we hurt folks just to survive... This is my new #1 mission to heal this for the sake of others!!!

[@ericarice4588]

Ninadae Aziel me too! 💗 Good luck

[@ms.lillie1628]

Love phobia soundes like me can't wait to watch the video. I have literally given up all hopes of marriage and love even a boyfriend I'm good

[@ms.lillie1628]

Not what I thought, nice to could hav3 new information to ponder. thank you for the new one for me soon to ponder

[@hbass34238]

I think that just takes time. Once you work through your stuff then you'll be open to the thought of love. Ya gotta do the work tho, your work, the hard work, the work about why you are attracted to these people, why do they gravitate to you. Im still doing it myself and been labeled as standoffish in public, but Im fixing me first. It will pay off!

[@mandy8624]

MS. Lillie wow I am there too

[@natrlgrl]

I have a lot of these traits, but I never thought anything was wrong with it. It's my coping mechanism for self-protection.

[@dudanunesbleff]

MS. Lillie, I'm there too: Been ther for 11 years and counting...

[@redhat5384]

That is so relatable. I feel like my ex acted like he was the only one who has ever suffered or been hurt. How can you not see the people hurting next to you and because of you. He didn't want to take responsibility for making people feel bad. He didn't care how you felt as long as he was not responsible for it. Just like a child.

[@solutionfocused7147]

My goodness....I think you set a record Richie! You got right to the core of the NPD parent/child "narcashonship" within the first 38 seconds of your video!! Aubriegh =)

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

Every time I do this I get a little faster and slicker ;)

[@Madness300589]

Hi Richie! Thank you very much for this video and for the one on Facebook, it really helps to understand more. Could you do more videos on counter dependency? There is a lot less information on the internet on the topic of counter dependency than there is on the co-dependency and I think it's a shame. I think I may be both counter dependent and co-dependent - on the one hand love is something I want and need the most in the world, on the other I am very scared and running away or ruining every possibility of it. I am also a workaholic - cause my career is the one thing I have control over. If there are enough other people with similar problems, please do some more videos on how to deal with it. And thank you very much for all your work.

[@micheledobb589]

Joanna Madness That is so true.

[@Gomba13]

The way you describe yourself, I would say you really sound like a counterdependent, not at all like a codependent. Both codependents and counterdependents have the exact same problem, it is just their respective solutions that are opposites. Even the names for those solutions say it: they are both dependent. 😉 As for throwing yourself into your career, I agree that part of it is likely that it is an area you are in control of, but I think another reason why people do this is that it provides them with an escape from the preoccupations which produce the behaviour and the subsequent painful emotions. If I am focusing on work, I am not available for relationships, so I don't have to worry about intimacy and vulnerability, I am shielded against them. I know someone whose escape is meditation. It's a shame the description of this coping mechanism focuses on work and exercise.

[@cybele0]

I really wish I had seen this sooner. It explains so much of my life. I watched this video twice yesterday, and saw myself in it. I had been wondering for years and years what was wrong with me that I couldn't, truly connect with anyone. Why for the longest time my relationships fizzled as soon as things got real. Why I've always thought relationship-wise, the-he-at-the-time was never right for me, never (name your quality trait) enough. It's been me. All along, it's been me. My husband (for whom, after watching this video), deserves a freaking medal for putting up with my pushing him away for all these years. He isn't perfect (who is, really), but he's loved me for so long, and all I've ever done is push him away. I need a good cry now...

[@maplenook]

linda petersen 🙏🏻

[@tribbinvw]

This is, by far, the best video on this subject that I have encountered.

[@stephaniejane7987]

I had a little cry there at one point during this video & it was a good little cry. Thank you Richard for your realness & Your honesty; that's where a lot of the healing is, it's in the realness. I love the truth I always have and I literally have fought for truth, justice & integrity throughout my whole life so as an adult it's an absolute pleasure when you listen to other people who are speaking from a place of truth 😊

[@debrheinsmith7023]

Thank you so much for this, Richard! This explains the behavior of a man I dated last summer. I knew he wasn't a narcissist, but I could not understand the "I'm busy, but I miss you." or the "As soon as I get my projects done we'll have more time to spend together." (never mind that his project list was about 5 miles long...). And the addiction to/creation of drama in his own life was perplexing. Amazing, kind man, but of course his behavior triggered what I now know was an emotional flashback and my focus was on my own faults and inadequacies. My anxiety increased dramatically in the short time that we dated. I appreciate the accessible way that you explain the distinctions between the many disordered ways of relating--it's been an incredibly helpful part of my healing. Here's my question, though--as an educator I work with many students who are in crisis and I struggle (knowing firsthand what that feels like) to know what we can do for our students. Beyond the guidance counselors/social workers who are doing amazing work for our students and families, how can we support this child who has to return home at the end of every school day? And how do we educate them when they are in constantly fluctuating states of dysregulation? How can we better support them and their families?

[@lalawawa9134]

oh wow. ...this resonates deeply. I've generally avoided relationships. recently, I found myself in a relationship with someone who I now understand to be a vulnerable narcissist. It felt like a miracle; I went full blown fawning codependent, gave up all control and boundaries. although it was not at all a healthy relationship, the experience was and the awareness that followed is truly cathartic. thank you so much for the video.

[@tinamariesmith3150]

I see the self isolation as healing process. If you’ve been the peace maker in a toxic family or attract friends that always need you emotionally ( have mental illnesses) you get drained. Relationships are work, what if you are spiritually seeking to choose different people.. Is that wrong?

[@catdeluxeatday]

Tina Marie Smith true.

[@karo1564]

You'll get to know more personality disordered people and they practice spiritual bypassing, to not see and solve their real problems. Also a lot of narc gurus around in this circles! Looking for your money and your devotion- watch out!

[@Treebard]

Tina Marie Smith Nothing wrong with isolating to heal. I've done a lot of that. But I've found that eventually I need people again, and the trick then is fostering healthier relationships, where no one is bulldozing the other. Good luck!

[@treevapeacock846]

The more you heal, the more healthier / balanced people come into your life. ...more than not anyway and if the unbalanced ones show up, you are more aware. ..recognize it and address issues or GET CLEAR FROM THEM♡

[@SaraFJones]

Tina Marie Smith I had the same thought! No arguments here that I am inclined just as he describes but the reality is that there are people who don’t respect boundaries, who it is best to set boundaries and try to work through it when they are infringed upon! That doesn’t mean that because I am inclined to counter dependency that these things aren’t real! I am likely attracting these people while I am in progress to healthier ways of relating! Bottom line, believe in yourself as you continue the work of being healthful!

[@floatingpointz5903]

So insightful that it pulled at me emotionally. As someone who's grappled with this, I never knew it had a name. Now I have a sibling falling hard into that trap. It's also amusing to see how this can seem like narcissism from the outside when the impulse is so different. It's definitely not like trying to self-aggrandize or absorb all the attention or manipulate the crowds in your favor or thinking everyone and everything is there for your taking. No. It's more like an inner fight between dark cynicism and nothing being good enough to get by, the feeling like one can lose control of the situation at any moment. It's the crazy self punishment, assuming that others will only let you down, or assuming that no one can possibly understand, or thinking that everyone's a liability or there's no one you can trust. That "push/pull" can range from emotional detachment to actively pushing people away. I used to be mostly push; hardly any pull. It's such a contradictory life that always results in isolation. A little suffering can build character, but I thought that's what I needed. It's hard to let go enough to live a happy life. Like he said, humility, objectivity and maybe yoga (or meditation or whatever maintains that objective mind and calm resolve) is great medicine. Let go...

[@colleenminer9406]

Really helpful. I had not heard of counter dependency before. Again it’s helpful ti think of it all on a spectrum where a person can move from one side to the other. And yes now that I’m 56 years old I am able to see that I have work to do to build trust with others. It’s so good to have a more balanced perspective. I can see where I can improve and take small steps to move into healthy relationships. Thanks!

[@ann-marieb5911]

There's always so much content to work with in your presentations. It's like you show us all the layers we need to be aware of and you describe them so well. I'm so grateful for your teaching, the information you share and how you present it. Thank you.

[@arteisiacalvin6286]

It took me all my life to figure out what's wrong with my father, i found him to be counter dependent and a narcissistic. Childhood was hell for me as the scapegoat. Im healing one day at a time

[@s3101217]

Man thank you so much... Your videos saved my life after I broke up with my narcissistic ex... But I now found myself at the opposite side of the spectrum and definately showing a few counter dependent traits... This is timely and bang on... Thanks again for making so much difference on my life! Every time I'm stuck you seem to have a life saving video.... :)

[@lmj7638]

This was an AMAZING video and you’re absolutely right.... and it’s VERY difficult after trying to make sure red flags are not ignored without punishing a new person-- yes trying to make new references, new memories, and Checking my emotions with more logical rationale to accept people’s actions which DO match what they say.... this was very helpful. Thank YOU for your time .

[@donnamcdaniel942]

I have been told I’m Codependent, but I had no idea there was a Counter Dependency until now! I think I’m more Counter Dependent now that I’ve heard you discuss this topic. Thank you Richard! God bless you!

[@willowgray9287]

This is the most helpful, eye opening video I’ve seen about this topic. I hadn’t ever heard the term “counter dependency.” I’ve been watching your videos/subscribed to your channel for a long time. I’m so thankful for the work you do, your compassion, sharing your own experiences, your knowledge, passion for wanting to help people heal/understand what they’ve experienced or even what’s going on within them. I have been in a relationship for years with a man who I thought might have a form of NPD (more on the covert end of the spectrum). I couldn’t say it with certainty because I’m not a professional & I hate labels. After hearing you talk about counter dependency, it all clicked into place!!! You described our relationship dynamic perfectly...the push/pull, wanting me close, punishing me or pushing me away for no apparent reason, then knowing what he needed to say or do to pull me close again, etc. The entire thing was spot on. I’m typing this through tears, because for years I couldn’t make sense of it. (I recognize & take accountability for my role in the cycle-Codependent 😔) Thank you again for all you do!!! You’re changing lives.

[@lmop3663]

You just diagnosed me. That was exactly my story as a child. My parents were only interested in meeting their needs I always saw in myself a desire to want to connect and even as early back as in my childhood if i really connected with someone, i'd be really happy, my parents would comment on how well we played and then next time i would be super shy and didn't want to connect with them anymore because i was afraid i would ruin the relationship. I literally didn't know what it was i would just not be as receptive to them and more argumentative even though all i wanted to do was connect. It was always a very very perculiar thing for me and to this day i don't really understand it. I was literally pushing the intimacy away at an early age. Coupled with facial tics and sounds of all kinds i made during childhood there was extreme isolation which came with shame and self pity. I'd like to think i'm not in the extreme end of the scale where i'm using others as ruthlessly as you put it as because of how scarce friends were i have based my identity on honoring the ones that stuck with me until the day i die. However i definately can see this trait in me, i am brutally honest up front and then have been known to withdraw by forces unknown to me, that were completely unconcious as i would get make stories up that i'd get upset at them for. I would perceive them as not listening to me or hurting me and when i brought it up they would deny and it would ruin the relationship. 11:00 from then on you absolutely hit the nail on the head. Unbelievably accurate. It is actually the exact same thing i speak of when talking through my issues and I still carry this mentality everywhere i go.

[@hfamily4976]

Codependent = urge to merge Counter dependent= urge to purge lol

[@SuspiriaX]

haha perfeeect its over 9000 bro

[@gaebren9021]

I have gone back to college and am studying Engineering. I have found that the challenge of learning something that is very logical based has helped me a lot. I came from a creative background (free expression, drawing painting etc.) I have found that my brain has changed as a result of having to challenge myself to think differently and also to stretch myself mentally.

[@jennfrazier1644]

I am an engineer. I have always found math was something I could control. It always gives me great pleasure to solve a problem and have the answer. I gravitated towards math because of my need to control...you are right - everything is logical (people - not so logical - ha!)! My writer, creative self is always fighting to come out...but it is not as rewarding as solving a problem. In fact, I am much more critical of myself in "creative mode." Best wishes in your pursuit of engineering. I hope you find it as rewarding as I do!

[@gaebren9021]

Thank-you. It is interesting. I was at a networking event. I asked a woman there (she loves math) what it was about maths that she loves so much. "The number never lie" was her reply. I have to remember that. The numbers never lie. They are always honest. :-)

[@gaebren9021]

Poppig die? Maths too trendy?, Jazzy?

[@janeharris6734]

What a complicated f***ed up little world we live in. I had a push/pull relationship with my Mother, however I am still more the Co-dependant. I encountered a Counter-Dependant a few days ago, which left me wondering......wtf just happened. This explains quite a few things for me..... thankyou Richard, brilliant as usual 😊

[@Fluidx808]

Wow I have CPTSD and didn't realize there was a name for how I act/feel in relationships. Or non relationships really. I've isolated myself big time. Very enlightening!

[@314151618]

Urge 2 merge Sounds like an 80's wave band or something. But I get it though. Catchy and descriptive.

[@manillascissor]

can you please talk about addressing these issues (narcissism, etc) in the WORKPLACE? it's the ultimate place where saying no doesn't work. there is a built-in NEED to be there and work through (suffer), and i'd love to find a way around or through it!

[@pastorjeanna]

I've been there! I realized that the narc operates in the same style no matter the type of relationship, professional or intimate. To survive, I used the gray rock technique and did modified no contact. Can't do true no contact unless you quit the job. Because this channel and others like it, I was at a point where I was able to steel myself for the covert battle/cold war that was taking place and decided that I was not going to be pushed out of a job that I enjoy. Long story short, the narc left. I'm still here, but the process was really hard on me.

[@okok-bp9dj]

Extremely difficult if one of these people is your manager. Truth is most of the time corporations will let the narc bully and terrorize people forever. Most vicitms are the ones who end up leaving. I started working for myself partly because I refuse to work under abusers again, and they are everywhere.

[@Kirky94]

Jeanna Clever Exacly the same thing happened to me I worked with an abuser for 7 years! In the end I sussed him out and took the best revenge possible :)

[@treevapeacock846]

@@janettemartin4604 I did it, at request of my twisted blood mother's "solution" to sisters jealousy. ...it was heartbreaking but when your around that type of mentality it doesn't matter to be loving or willing to communicate and cooperate. ....I love my sister but have no contact because the simple solution (communication) Isn't an ability they even desire. Fortunately my mom hated me so much she fabricated lies about me and shipped me off to foster parents.....I learned there that my desire to communicate on a deeper level is a GOOD thing and I'm not oversensitive. ...my mother's hate and unloving problem solving was the only example my sister got, so unfortunately the beautiful relationship we were possibly redeveloping got sacked due to the jealous narc mother that brought us both into this world and then divided us when I was 13 and again 10 years,ago , when she suggest that I quit my job in order to cure my sister's jealousy. ......it's bad enough to go thru this crap in a family but then to compound the fracture when it's connected to one of your jobs.....that's some down hard double heartbreak but the grief subsides and life goes on .....a much much better life now, one FREE OF the fantasies I had of that part of my blood maternal side of family Ever being half as real or harmonious as most of the foster families that I was raised in. FREEDOM from toxicity those type of people emote is a blessing and thanks to Richard and therapy I've worked through, the heartache is finally gone. It was worth losing part of my family to get my health back BUT there was times I felt that wasn't the case and would rather hold out for my dream of unity even if it hurt me then give up....I had to share that in case anyone is still in that space. ...perhaps they'll think more about their health and FREEDOM from toxins....whatever form they show up in.....sorry ...got rambling...

[@ctwofirst6635]

@@villanelle529 I agree. I'm looking for another job since my workplace seems to tolerate and even encourage people to be jerks in the office. I'm surrounded by attention-seeking children who can't control their impulses. And I'm just trying to do my job but it's such an unpleasant atmosphere that I see no point in doing anything except looking for work elsewhere.

[@karinaloza232]

This answers all the questions I had at this stage of personal development. Thank you, very spot on, as always.

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

Karina Loza great Karina I kinda intuited this topic would be very timely for long term followers of the Spartanlifecoach channel.

[@alynnglo9172]

RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH. Spot on -!

[@tinag7790]

If this was ingrained into us, now adults, as kids; how do we guard our own children from this being passed unto them while we heal ourselves? What are actionable steps to take to not be codependent/counter dependent in the relationship with our own children?

[@acefrantura6936]

Tina G , ...i d say conciousness is a great first step. Being aware of your true motivation when you are acting/reacting. Councelling is really helpful too...if that councellor is educated enough for codependency/counterdependency. I m writing thoughts down too. Like write whatever comes to mind and read it next day. Yeah..those things work good for me, although annoying that these processes take time :)

[@vargarg]

@Tina G - I think respecting the child's boundaries is the TOPMOST step that can be taken. All these issues seem to be because of childhood boundary violation. Treating them with respect - as if they are individuals and have a say in the matter. And talking with them to make them understand as if they are intelligent and have self dignity (which they are !)

[@kirstinstrand6292]

Acknowledge their feelings, allow them to get upset or angry, then ask them why. Respect what they say, and give them your attention. Do not make them feel that you must always be "correct". Let them be who they are, as curious, small human beings. Show them loving tenderness and don't forget to hug them when they come home from school.

[@parrotshootist3004]

openness, honesty, forthrightness. Help them to understand the world and construct themselves. Rather than hide it from them, include hidden games and contracts, and then leverage what they don't realise is being illicted from them to contstruct them without their full understanding, awareness or even perhaps yours.

[@reneer.3661]

SUCH good information. Everything just clicks, and even though I realize that this knowledge doesn’t make me immune to this type of behavior in the future, I feel better equipped to recognize it. At that point I have a choice, which I’m grateful for, because I haven’t had that choice in the past. THANK YOU.

[@21s]

Excellent video!

[@user-nd6jf6le8w]

I was forced into co-dependency in childhood. To this I responded with counterdependency. Unconsciously. 33 years old and still alone. Just yesterday I experienced - again - this push and pull tendency with a person I like. I hate myself for that. Sometimes it feels like there is no way out

[@sherryberry6264]

Excellent! Please discuss more on disassociation, freeze and flight responses. High level of stress makes me freeze then blackout or pass out.

[@marynylander9634]

It's been awhile since I listened. It was my start to meditating & I listen better now. What a perfect class for me, my 1st on counter codependency ! Oh so perfect, that piece was missing from my puzzle. Thanks !

[@kayne4701]

Thank you so much for this video. Never heard of counterdependence before, but have been searching for what I have my whole life. I am in my 30s now and have grown a lot from a lot of these issues through my Christian faith but have been really struggling lately with why I can’t receive love and why I push people away who show me love and often get frustrated with them as well. Even God these days. This video has given me a starting point to seek help! Thank you!

[@messiahgodstar7609]

I’m a counter dependent and I absolutely love life and enjoy my own company. Even if people sit next to me on a park bench, or stand with me at traffic lights, I move away. To me Hell is other people.

[@gandfgandf5826]

Mind blown. Much of this is so familiar. So true. When people give up and go away I always feel relieved.

[@richellelemon3137]

*BIG sigh of relief* Hi, my name is ... and i am a recovering counterdependent 🤗 At this stage, I have no problems laughing at myself (aside from when i am pulling out my hair in agony) and my silly ways BUT i do have a problem and that is What does a healthy, interdependent relationship of any sort (lover, friend) look and feel like? If dependency is a crutch, what can a person ask of another?

[@truthseekursty]

Richelle Lemon good question. When isolating and single I'm "counter" but when in relationships, I tend to become "co" unfortunately.....how to balance into interdependancy when you don't have a model for it????

[@richellelemon3137]

Truth Seeker ... check this out. It might be of some help (i don't know how to link but the vid is here on youtube) ... The Skin Deep - Most Honest Couple On Earth - Marcela and Rock.

[@truthseekursty]

Richelle Lemon wow, that was painful to watch... If my guy cheated I'd be out in half a heartbeat nevermind him getting incarcerated and he expected her to support him through that? And why is he wearing glasses inside that hide his eyes? But what is interesting too is that she has a controlling stare like he has to answer a certain way or she will snap, and she seems codapendant with what she puts up with from his behavior. He looks way older then 36. Codependants can be controlling too which is not good. Makes me glad to be single.

[@richellelemon3137]

Lisa C ... you know, my grandma once (maybe twice) told me of her and my grandpa, standing at the sink sharing the chore of cleaning up the dishes, talking about money - him worried about not having enough to pay the mortgage, etc., her calming his nerves saying it'll all work out and not to go to bed worrisome ... i never saw this interaction, mind you and when she'd told me (decades after the fact) it was as though there was 'advice' mixed with a sense of superiority and competitiveness ... ? I guess 'it' depends on the importance of relationship and future gains. She can compete with me with regards to her matriarchal relevance, but must submit to the hand that feeds her. So, now i stand at the kitchen sink, talking to my imaginary 'partner', easing my worried mind so not to go to bed distressed. 😂

[@hackedagain3421]

Yay! Someone said interdependent! 🙂👍 💚

[@loba49]

You are a gift to so many. 🙌🏼 Thank you so much for the demystifying you've done for me. Priceless yet free. THANK YOU.

[@4Beats4Me]

I have been watching these videos, enjoying them & finally a picture begins to emerge from a floating jigsaw - what seems a lifetime of narcissists. Still floating, but now coalescing. And rapid cross-pollination. A process as organic as we are. My narcissist husband of 30 years essentially died in my presence without even acknowledging me. I have become very good at surviving crisis to crisis. Yet survival at any cost could corner me in the place of nightmares. I am at last beginning to feel hope. Not every day, but better. Please continue your fantastic teachings! Thank you and God bless; Former Teacher.

[@MadisonEmery]

Well done! Absolutely phenomenal video, explanation, understanding & advice. I've never heard this put into words more perfectly. You have inspired a spark of hope and I'm grateful to you.

[@DanyahAossey]

Ok, so this is me. I was raised by a single mother with BPD and I've always wondered why I did the things I do and why I never seemed to be able to nurture a healthy relationship. P.S. just found your channel and I am learning so much. Hope more slots open up soon for the coaching.

[@carletouk]

Thanks I Wish there was more info like this on counter dependency there’s hardly anything out there

[@pieRana]

negative narcissism: "moving onto one catastrophe to another" dude... that hits home so hard. I'd totally watch a video on that.

[@arthurcurry7688]

I gave my "Ex Narc" EVERYTHING!! You could possibly imagine! You name it, I GAVE it! It wasn't a 2-way street He took, and took, and took...from me until literally there was nothing left! Then, he left me abandoned along side of the road 'bleeding out!'

[@lindaelarde2692]

You nailed it....Sometimes, I've found the sliding spectrum scale useful in identifying my old traumas or internalized responses. It's never black and white....it's always a murky clue that I have to tease out of the larger concept....and when I put all those micro clues together I see a picture forming. Like doing a puzzle under a microscope....hard to see the picture emerge without highly nuanced tools. But....voila....there the picture emerges and starts to make sense around "why do I......feel... think....respond.....react.....need....????????????????? Those questions have life changing answers. Thanks, Richard...you are my microscope :-)

[@gingerztube]

Are people that never marry counter dependent? I'm a 56 yr old female, I've never been married and never plan to marry. I grew up in a pretty violent home, with an NPD father & co-dependent mother. I never want to repeat that horrible relationship that was role-modelled to me.

[@gingerztube]

Interesting, that makes sense. I think I must go back and forth between co-dependent and avoidant style. I lose myself in relationships, get burned then avoid them at all cost. Thanks for the info!

[@nakuruhike7991]

I’m like you but have had two long term relationships, both of which I found utterly bewildering. I simply could not understand the dynamics of a good relationship having only ever experienced horrific ones. I have no idea how to relate to a man and am terrified that I will become their victim. The only way I defended myself was by emotionally withdrawing. I always felt alien in relationships and for past few years felt it best all round to avoid them! I’ve always followed Richards Work and recently he has touched on this very area that has caused me such confusion, shedding light and positive energy into my dark sadness. I may not fit counter dependent perfectly - and we should beware of pigeon holing the definition as being so does not mean you are evil or have evil intentions but it is in fact a survival strategy, somewhat like Stockholm’s Syndrome. Richards Work is helping me move away from the powerful grip of childhood misery which made me avoid good relationships through fear, and which turned me into a tyrant also through fear. I’m an adult now and childhood fears must be defeated. Thanks to Richard this might just be possible. Maybe my future need not be so lonely as my present. 😌

[@gracesanity6314]

Avoident. I know l am. But l also found, many things are worth avoiding. I am more at peace when l am alone. Relationship addiction is rampant. I am having a truest relationship now with myself - serenity.

[@parrotshootist3004]

Another thing to bare in mind is what others experiences of you are vs what you experience and think you are putting out there. Being avoidant, in it self, if you are in a relationship, can come over as and impact as counter dependent, because once you are in a relationship that is what avoidance is with a mutual dependence dynamic (some of which are healtheir - interdependence). Attempting to counter or avoid your own dependence, your own needs and displays of needs, for intimacy, and in intimate relationships, may well have an impact on others making them feel bad or wrong, weak or something else, when they are trying to interact and 'be with you'. You don't have to be actively trying to do anything to them. Just reacting to your own impulses and emotions will do that to them.

[@TruthofLove]

"Yes, don't do it kids!" - Listen to the man everyone....he knows what he's talking about!

[@createa.googleaccount713]

Oh Richard!!!! HUGE Gratitude 💖 🙏 Thank you So Very Much!!!! Absolutely Brilliant, clear, relatable, kind and the Real Deal! Big Eye Opener!!!

[@sharr323]

Well, thanks! I have been watching/reading what feels like 14 million hours of information and this video let me verify that I am truly a HOT MESS!!! EEEEEK! I truly do have counter dependence! I am working my way through it. I think I developed this to survive my npd parent. I am healing, though, with the help of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, and the dialectical behavioral therapy I am co-teaching at work! God bless my loving husband, who has stood by me like a rock, when I sometimes push him away. Ugh! I love him so much and I just sometimes can't let him in. I worry sometimes if he feels loved enough. I am working on me, though, and I am convinced that I will get to the light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you, Sir!!!

[@laynelurve7083]

Question: Is it common when ‘healing’ to just be replacing one problem behaviour with another. Just realised that I thought I was healing from codependency, but I’ve just switched completely to counterdependancy. Ouch. Is it normal to swing to the complete opposite end of the spectrum before you settle somewhere in the middle when trying to heal eg. Passive to aggressive then to assertive. How can we trust that we are making progress when our sense of reality and what is healthy is so damaged. I honestly thought I was making progress.

[@wearejungians]

Laynelurve I’d also love to know this!

[@ericarice4588]

Experiencing this as well.

[@fredericmoresmau4303]

what about you? are you just here to mess around with me?! And confuse me?!

[@SuspiriaX]

I'm asking myself the very same question as I'm also a recovering codependent swinging to the other side it feels healthy though, like this is indeed the way to swing it right now many angry people tho, I am being liked less because for the first time in my life I actually show a little bit of dominance since I swung from codependent loser to counterdependent arrogant prick, all the men are angry at me while the women flirt with me I certainly hope at some point I will learn to act in a more likeable way... so that I can actually have friends again like I used to have

[@parrotshootist3004]

Its so typical and normal that its how many issues propagate through children. "I won't be like X" so they aren't. they are sure of it. Because they do the opposite. Pattern passed on. Their kid will do 'the opposite' and bang, back to square one.

[@Silvianamo]

oh bless the timing of this video. Now something that recently has happened to me makes all sense... thanks!

[@kindrablankenship4064]

@Silvia Mori I had the exact same reaction! Clarity, more of that please, haha!

[@Silvianamo]

bittersweet feelings since it always talk about me also.. but still! better to know!

[@kindrablankenship4064]

Absolutely. Much luck on your healing journey. : )

[@Silvianamo]

thank you Kindra :-) much luck to you too :-))

[@makinglemonade1483]

My question is....is it possible to be a 'covert' counter-dependent? So for example, the 'pushing away' could take the form of eg; an affair, or secret flirting with the opposite sex, or extreme use of porn, whilst in a relationship? Also, I'm wondering whether the self- isolation might not take the form of an overt rejection of others, but could manifest itself in immersion in digital media/Netflix/on-line gambling/excessive sleeping? Or am I barking up the wrong tree? Thanks for the video, it gave me a penny dropping moment :O)

[@Nina_Joan]

Making Lemonade second question - I think media/Netflix... could also come just from addiction and over sleeping w/depression. My experiences with these (and still) living in the “stick” part of northern nj and not having much capabilities to go out and about (for many reasons) so we try to socialize the best way we can, Internet. Depression you got nothing to look forward to, it’s a way of escape & you’re tired as hell from that, and or from extreme anxiety all day you get extremely tired and that’s all your body will do.

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

There is too much I don’t know to answer your question effectively and responsibly sorry

[@Ozma337]

Making Lemonade yes! Teal Swann just released a video today where she talks about it! It’s actually cool how her videos compliments Richards! Go check it out :)

[@neen9438]

Ozma337 teal swan is a cluster b woman 😂😂 Dont fall in her trap

[@eva-janemiddleton434]

Wow. Thank you for that. I found there were a few people out there that push their view point on people over and above the subject mater.We all have opinions but if your a life coach or a therapist. Unless asked about specific areas. It should be contained to the persons opinion of narcissism, co-dependency and all the sub levels that can exist. My favourite style of teaching happens to be Richard. He is well informed and has personal experience as well as having a great teaching format. The humour does help too. If I were to be limited to pure academic styles. Then Sam Vaknin would tick the boxes. Good topic

[@susandurrant25]

This lovely man has been my rock. I've just finished had a two year relationship because I used his work to guide me! It's scarey but thank goodness I always have Richard to guide me through the process of healing

[@gymnast2890]

I thought I was counterdependent, but no grandiose, no control, not wanting love too much, can have a need to be right, but not rigid at all, no entitlement, scapegoat, work a holic, exercise addict but former elite athlete & it's how I control my anxiety, definitely highly empathetic. I don't feel sorry for myself. I can connect with others in deeply meaningful ways. And no push pull relationship style. I have 3 strikes you're out rule. A strike is a narcissistic trait. If they don't act narcissistic, I don't leave the relationship. But when it does end, I don't feel sad...at all. I have trouble asking for help. I'm deeply spiritual (not religious), am always working with my shadow self & integrating it, am fairly self-aware & people do love me, from childhood, long-term stable relationships. I was co-dependent when younger. My 1st romantic relationship was extremely loving & healthy, but he was killed. Am I Counterdependent then? What's up? Peace&love to all♥️♥️🌎☮☮

[@MishkaTia]

Every video of yours I listen to Richard I feel so much gratitude thank you 🙏🏼 nobody been able to help me like your doing here

[@feircefeir]

First time i've heard of this but i'm counter dependent and struggling to be vulnerable within my relationship. He's making me feel safe though and this is helping. Glad i came across this video today as i acted out last night and needed to understand why.

[@melanieholstra4397]

Wow!! I have never heard my own stuff so clearly! I am counterdependent for sure. Ouch. I am the only one who can help me now because I have completely isolated myself. Thank you for this video. Amazing info!

[@welgemina]

Thank you so much for this video, Richard! I already started to think that I probably have BPD but some symptoms of it are too extreme for me (psychosis, self-harm, physical aggression). Now everything is crystal clear though I always knew that there is something wrong with me. I've been a fan of NPD and psychopatic characters for a long time (never met one in person, thank God X) because I wanted to become stronger, more ruthless and less vulnerable. Well, unfortunately I succeeded. Now I teach myself the opposite because it's really lonely as f*ck. One picturesque example of how mom was breaking me - she always said "You're mine". "This is my hand" - she said, touching my little hand. "No, it's mine!" - I couldn't understand why she kept insisting on it and I tried to fight back. "No, you're all mine. So your hand is also mine". It was frustrating, confusing but if I tell that to anybody else they would probably think that it's cute. And along all this suffocating love I had a fixed idea that I was adopted (bullshit). I'm still trying to figure out where did it come from O.o

[@Jotinko]

This is me too a tee. I have aspergers and HATE it when people say I can't do this or that. Doing everything by myself and never needing help from anyone is my way of sticking to everyone who says I can't do certain things. I pride myself on it.

[@jessicarose9290]

oh my gosh thank you for providing a missing puzzle piece for me i can almost hear them click into place

[@mirelladlima5278]

Quite true the swing from codependent to counter dependent. Being aware of this phase and making an effort to be objective about one's own thoughts and slowly work towards emotional regulation and thought awareness in my opinion would be a step towards authentic self recovery. Tks Richard I also like the term developing a muscle of objectivity.🙏

[@demusmorgan9622]

I have so much respect and admiration for you dude. You are saving lives. God or whoever bless!

[@I-Care7]

This is deep teaching, thank you! I needed that.

[@LuvBugBlaqkHart]

I'm a little bit of both but I've grown and learned a lot and I'm now in a very healthy relationship with a lot of open communication and trust. So I don't have many of these issues anymore which is crazy cause I thought I'd always be stuck in my own self-abusive cycle. I'm glad that's not the case anymore. I'm definitely still in the process of healing but I don't think I can even really put myself in these categories anymore... it's not as intense as it used to be.

[@PrincessCadancee]

Same

[@jayenticknap3981]

Would love to hear more about the causes and manifestations of the co-dependent to counter-dependent shift...or am I asking an obvious question that ties a ptsd experience/reinforcement in adult life which leads to this? Thanks for all the videos, they have really helped me the past two weeks. ONE love bruv

[@susannec659]

You know who has a lot of helpful tools for cptsd? Believe it or not it's the same treatment that borderline personality disorder people use, dialectical behavioral therapy. Kati Morton. she's a clinical therapist on YT. Very good for mood regulation and staying in the body and not jumping out of your skin.

[@sarahmarie_11]

Whoa. You totally described my mother in accurate detail in the first few seconds. To this day I still have a strong fawning response. It's something I'm well aware of and have a pretty good handle on. I've come to understand that my ex husband was exactly like her. Yes, I did find someone extremely emotionally distant, emotionally disregulated, and demanding, if not full blown NPD. This explains SO Much. You have to know how incredibly helpful your videos are in understanding this dynamic between humans. The best I've come across yet. Thank you, Richard - what you're doing is so important.

[@Teresa-wm2uj]

Great video thank you Richard. My ongoing problem is for some strange reason Narcissists are drawn to me it took me years to recognize this phenomenon because, one doesn't initially know these individuals are Narcissistic until you get to know them after about 6 months into the relationship when they start showing their true colors. Therefore, one characteristic I have found in Narcissistic men, but not always, is that they usually have a position of power in the workforce such as: High positions in the Military, Lt. Col., in the Airforce, Ministers of Faith suffer from Narcissism, Actors/Comedians, and Los Angels Prosecutor/LA Police Chief. However, my dad suffers, who was also in the Military, from Narcissism and my Ex husband was extremely Narcissistic and had no position of power in the workforce.

[@sherrystewart8280]

I'm in recovery from being in a 10 year relationship with narcissist. This video reminded me of how many scar's there are imbedded in my Soul. I gave him way to much and it still wasn't enough, so as I stayed..he was able to take more than I was aware of.

[@cunning-stunt]

Got over the loneliness when I was 26. Life is better alone. Happiest and healthiest I have ever been. Never met anyone that didn't let me down, but that is just human nature, everybody puts themselves first and others 2nd. Expecting anything different is mental illness.

[@sarahmariabarrow8084]

Thank you for all that you do. Honestly, with out your help I would not be where I am today, which is a very good place. A few days ago I had an emotional flashback looking at the back of my boyfriend. I had all these feelings like he'd done something very wrong and was a bad person. The feelings started in my stomach and went straight through me wanting to spew out my mouth to say something. These feelings were from my past abusive relationship. Because of you (and Kris kodinez) I was able to stand still, take a deep breath, understand it was a flashback and get on with my day happily. This video helped me understand more of why that happened. Thank you.

[@TheBronwynRose]

My question is, do counter dependents experience frequent and irrational embarrassment, either consciously or unconsciously? Could that be a manifestation of a fear of intimacy? Same question about shyness. Do counter dependents avoid people they really like because they feel they will embarrass themselves & never forgive themselves for it? Another question I have is, can counter dependency develop in adulthood as the result of too much pain and loss?

[@diplomasaurus4232]

I think mine has developed in adult years also,(though not exclusively) from negative experiences/ relationships

[@bitcoinbelle]

I love you. I'm sorry that you were hurt and had such a long way to go to get to where you are but eternally grateful you've blazed the trail to make my journey easier. *hugs*

[@suddenlyhope]

You have just described my husband of 23 years to a T. Now I don’t know if he is counter dependent or a cerebral covet narcissist. Aaaahhhh! I asked for a divorce and he is now hoovering and even to the point of attempting self reflection (which he has never done, in the history of ever, before!) I am heartbroken but I don’t trust it to be real. He is just afraid I am really gone.

[@ericarice4588]

SuddenlyHope it doesn’t really matter what his condition is if he’s abusive. But I understand the need for the labels so we can calm the voice of “what the fuck was that?!” You posted this 10 months ago, how are things now?

[@phy7904]

Amazing! That was so helpful, providing insight into a decades old relationship that held so much mystery and pain for me. Thank you.

[@angelafalsetta4309]

Richard. you are incredible. Your understanding of this convoluted, sick and twisted and sadistic form of "love" that we have all have been exposed to, lived with, and traumatized by that cause all our CPTSD existence now! Narcissism...this MONSTER!! How are we getting awareness out there to the public of this monster? Awareness, Education in all the Cluster B PD's? You have pointed out in your every video the nature of the "diseases" and how it affects us victims struggling to be survivors! THANK YOU!

[@jessicarose4923]

I watched your facebook live stream on this yesterday. I'm very excited to watch your youtube video on it now.

[@jdsmith5060]

Excellent advice and from currant experience dont let them trick you into coming back home for any reason what so ever, or everything you gained will be covertly destroyed until you want to jump!

[@ctwofirst6635]

I appreciate everything you've done, Richie. Your videos helped me walk away from my last relationship with a guy with narc tendencies. However, I will never believe that other people are safe. I've got too much evidence over the 60+ years of my life to the contrary. I'm alone for the first time in my adult life, and it's so much better than any relationship I've ever had. I'm not lonely or interested in other people in the slightest. I do like to read and watch videos. That's the maximum of human contact I am willing to seek out. Thanks for all your work and videos.

[@spyderbyte4601]

I had one absent parent and one abusive narcissistic that forced enmeshment. I left home really young, and jumped into decades of codependent and abusive relationships, but now I've flipped from a codependant who fawned, or disassociated to completely counter dependent. Im pissed off, angry, and I dont trust people. I learned from toxic family members that I had to choose between authenticity and love, I picked authenticity and decided @#%$ love. Even today when I set healthy boundaries or stand up for myself my family cuts me off, for letting them know I wont be treated that way. It makes it so difficult not to feel angry and bitter, and just not want to deal with anyone at all. I've been working on these issues for decades and daily. I do your emotional literacy, and your emotional flashbacks, but it feel like it's still happening because it is. I keep having to check in, is it me? And I doing something why am I being treated like this, but when I take an honest inventory, I see that Im genuinely surrounded by toxic people that are just being abusive, but I still absorb the guilt and shame, because I always feel like the common factor in the equation. So my circle gets smaller and smaller till Im pretty much the only one left. Where did all the healthy people go? (where were they in the first place). I just feel bitter, angry, jaded and isolated, but I'm going to keep choosing authenticity over love. But I still feel like Im etherically bleeding all over everything around me and I dont know how to stop it. Something inside me broke, and I don't think I can fix it. Thanks for these videos, I feel like you are one of the only honest, self aware voices in all the garbage noise.

[@spikestoyou]

same

[@TheNancycooper]

I initially majored in psychology, then changed because at that time, these issues weren't either understood or addressed. Thanks for getting to the core.

[@Nutellochka]

Thank you for your kindness!

[@kdutra805]

Richard I love your advise and want to thank you for helping me understand what was happening and helping me get through it. I could not have done it without you. your awesome and thank you.

[@n.c.6211]

This is the best explanation of counterdependency!!! ✨