Covert Narcissists SECRET CrazyMaking Communication Weapon They Use To ABUSE

[@GuardianAngel..]

A narcissist is actually 3 people 1. The False Self 2. The Dark Entity 3. The Hurt Inner Child

[@HerbalND]

Perfectly said.

[@AliciaM5555]

Well said!

[@LisainTexas]

4. The narcissistic demons

[@Morale_Booster]

Yep!

[@chaimomma9198]

Misti Roberts they chose to ignore empathy. Just like ignoring morals.

[@prostyle1626]

If their absence brings you peace you did not lose them you have won yourself again

[@katashley1031]

So true.

[@janetkingston-davis558]

That hit the spot! 🙏

[@stephthinks3109]

Great quote

[@IamStillrich]

Not necessarily. You could just be a grump, inflexible, fixed, ridged... OUTNUMBERED.. NOT saying that you are any of these things. You could be taken serious for silly things by the "types" just described... Millie YOu could also JUST be EXAUHUSTED and around those who just don't care. NO THING makes sense when you are sleep deprived... If you are afraid to go to sleep... for ANY reason nothing will come out of your mouth or mind correctly... eSPECIALLY to agents of Systemic oppression though denial of correct information necessary to make good decisions about one's own life. They NEED to PUSH the buck... I mean make a profit... It's so Petty... It could also be that frequency generator that makes it impossible to read written words out loud, or form cohesive thoughts or to verbalize them... Many reasons...

[@prostyle1626]

@@IamStillrich The words in your comment that stand out are, OUTNUMBERED, those, and they. You need to understand that I'm not talking about groups of people irritating me. I am talking about one narcissistic ex spouse. Not they, them or those. But their absence, that one person that made my life hell.

[@shalaemayville9863]

The confusion is overwhelming. One minute you're the best. Next minute they despise you. No one believes you when you tell them what kind of person they really are.

[@Indy__isnt_it]

No one, EVER HEARS. Including my adult son. In describing the manipulative behaviour his stepfather caused, his response was "that's hearsay". WTF is that supposed to mean? He's not here to defend himself. As I soon came to understand, my SON is also a narcissist himself, manipulating ME and supporting HIM!!! I'm surrounded by them. 3 out of 3 siblings, all have no issues. They totally control their worlds, and ours unless you cut off all contact. Until our divorce is final, we have an open email. It gave ME the outlet to use if I needed to. When you ask him a question that sets off the silent treatment, if I need to tell him something, we still share bank accounts and a house together. This is the worst/hardest part, splitting "what's left over" after all his abuse. While he tries to take over the house, since "I abandoned him", leaving for my safety, threatening to label me insane. What's more insane, the police are protecting "one of their own" from another state, no connection, no allegiance. Smdh

[@Portia620]

That is what messes with our heads even more! Agreed same happens to me but there was quite a few people that worked for my father that knew that he was a jerk, so not everybody’s fool by the BS! And as time goes by the screw up a lot, and I got enough proof of her mind, really is

[@Portia620]

I don’t think my ex knows what all I have on him, and that I could destroy him with the evidence, but why would I do that he’s living in Texas now with this girl he married supposedly only knew her a few months, but he was cheating on her to sell and the last one and me. 🤦‍♀️. I don’t want STDs and I sure the hell don’t want him back, so why would I even give a woman a proof? I know that’s horrible to say, but I want them out of my life.

[@ambergerbuns]

Yes! Diagnosed with major depression for many years, amongst other diagnoses - I just wasn’t okay and nothing helped and I didn’t know why. And then I woke up one day and asked for a divorce, and haven’t been depressed since! Wow! Turns out I was suffering from confusion. The best thing he ever did for me was to call me a narcissist. I had no idea what it all meant, I just thought it was an insult hurled at good-looking, confident, successful people. And I knew he didn’t love himself like that, and he certainly isn’t oozing charisma. Not only skipped love bombing, but never once bought me a birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, any occasion gift. I’d forgotten what kind of birthday cake I liked! No one had asked in over ten years. So, he called me, the one riddled with self-loathe and exhausted from nonstop effort and nothing to show but more and worse failure every day, a narcissist. That made no sense, so I looked it up. And it turns out it’s the really icky psychological disorder that destroys people’s wellbeing. Also turns out my mother, all 3 stepdads, and my first husband are all afflicted, too. I have been surrounded by these fuKKing people my entire life! But my point is, it took a few days to clear the confusion bc I’m looking for myself in this info but finding resonance with the “effects of” information. But he doesn’t fit the bill, either - until I said “divorce” and he just Jekyll-Hyded himself into something I never could have imagined. It was wild. I even spent a day or two reading all about emotionally unintelligent men - because that can be fixed, right? Then had KZbin on auto play in ear buds while I cleaned house, and some video popped up explaining covert narcissism. I started sobbing and laughing uncontrollably. I admit, it was weird, but I was profoundly hurt and sad, and yet overwhelmed with joy (something I had noted was absent in our lives for years). It took months to process it all, but the struggle has been so worthwhile. I’m even grateful for the relationship. Sucks it took so long to learn my lesson, but the rest of my life is MINE. My only question is, HOW do I deal with this overgrown, deluded manbaby for the next 15 years as our children move through their own childhoods? No contact sounds lovely!!! But it’s not an option.

[@ambergerbuns]

@@Indy__isnt_itI feel you. I’m stuck in a community that hates me and is openly abusive to me, from neighbors to school secretaries, the marriage therapist (also a raging narc), literally every single person I’ve known for the past decade believes that I am an abusive monster who tormented him and tried to make him end his own life and and and… And, he is also not keen on me moving out of the area with my children. He doesn’t want them. He just doesn’t want them too far away, because sometimes he needs them. I hate the “it’s not fair” line of thought, but seriously. It is not fair. I deserve no contact. You deserve no contact. But nobody will listen.

[@JamminMammy]

My mom always said “wherever there is mass confusion, therein lies the devil.”

[@andreagrazianodibenedetto1464]

That is a great saying to remember. Thank you for sharing.

[@jkayla_lashae]

Woa

[@1in1cog1nit1o1]

OMG. Clarifies so much. AWESOME QUOTE-THANK YOU!

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Nice

[@nadineelizabeth195]

I've been in countries or cities where I couldn't concentrate I was so confused 😕 is that bad energy in the people/city

[@Sattva468]

The biggest sign you are with a toxic partner is a feeling of CONFUSION. This video is spot-on.

[@debbiedeakin7763]

Yes I completely agree. It's the confusion, it drives you insane

[@Rex_Manning-]

AMEN!

[@maca5868]

Confusion is the devil's realm, which is time-sensitive.

[@davidemm829]

The lean in as they are in elation is like rejection so the target has to up the game to get them back..similar to the borderlines push pull..or the target may self sabotage their own life to get them back just as she goes back to depletion so there are 2: ppl in the shits fighting..on & on..ty RG .this is one of my fav .David

[@nancerobinson4901]

True

[@treasurewhatever]

Lol what gets me when you’re dealing with these people is how you end up apologizing for stuff you normally would never apologize for.

[@mandaroo919]

treasurewhatever yes I just apologized for asking him to pick up my prescription and they didn’t have it filled yet. So I just apologized.... I need to get out and working on it

[@NibblesTheNibbler]

@treasurewhatever: I'm sorry I find you attractive 😎

[@BabyGirl-3588]

IKR?

[@Llamaeye1]

Somebody's disease ...your suffering ..

[@christinah.8504]

Dr. Les Carter has a video explaining why you shouldn't care .

[@kadran3263]

The subtext is always: 'My pain is so much worse, my life so much worse than yours. Therefore, your pain is irrelevant.'

[@Infernapeclosecombat]

I had cancer and I was blamed for being angry and now was told that angry behavior won’t be forgiven or forgottten

[@SinderellaScapegoat]

I was literally thinking about this!!! None of us are irrelevant,THANK YOU for bringing this to LIGHT 🕯️🕯️🕯️

[@mik.3110]

@@SinderellaScapegoatdepends tho. you cannot keep bothering someone who is truly hurting more than you with smaller problems it’s like going to someone who broke their leg and is under anaesthesia complaining about how they did not reply to your text and you’re hurt

[@kadran3263]

@@mik.3110 It comes down to balance, though, don't you think? Mutual respect and care: one person's pain does not negate another's. In context of this video, the narcissist person or group demands compete imbalance. For those of us addressing our own pain for the first time, mutual respect is a healthy path forward.

[@kadran3263]

@@Infernapeclosecombat I was shamed for having angry feelings about children being murdered in wars. I realised later that my anger guides me to moral understanding and action. The other person is happy to look the other way and avoid all anger. I realised they have no moral core.

[@vocals7693]

They'll admit they have issues, but when there's a disagreement they go into denial mode and become haughty and arrogant.

[@Fay1106]

Yes!!!! So true!!

[@elenisiopi2033]

exactly

[@tyrouse4876]

FACTS!!!!!

[@Confused2023]

My husband… exhausting, these videos are my cia training

[@nvaranavage]

So true.

[@crystal10633]

My favourite quote that kinda relates to this is “Don’t blame the clown for acting like a clown, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus 🎪 “

[@corysmith3447]

The guy whomade this video is a narccist, ask prof sam vakhim, 95% of psycholigists get their narrcsistic supply by calling others narccists and feeling powerful by evaluating them

[@Shaqad56]

I like that. I’ll remember it

[@catmomjewett]

That’s awesome. Thanks for putting it out there.

[@crisscateyes]

Love it. ❤️ It applies

[@CarlosAlvarado-sf6km]

🎯🎯🎯

[@veryhappy4334]

One thing I learned after a relationship, "let go, if there's confusion".

[@irenek7944]

So simple and true!

[@noluso]

Yes, it is indeed that crystal clear!

[@lovewhitey2027]

So simple if it doesn’t make sense its NONSENSE 🗣✍🏻🤬👹

[@asryn96]

Absolutely yes! Intuition is the key.

[@asryn96]

@@lovewhitey2027 Well said.

[@notafraidtothink]

"The things that they did when they were mean...That's who that person is." Thank you

[@kamicrum4408]

Its almost like they stayed up most if the night just thinking of mean things to do

[@dmuzik3740]

Finally accepting this as truth

[@FirehorseG]

That's the dichotomy. Sometimes he's really immature and vindictive when we argue. Other times really kind. No steady Ness whatsoever. I never know what I'll get.

[@marafenton8178]

Amen

[@Re4lect]

Nope lmao not true

[@wholewellnesswithann]

CONTROL was my first obvious hint of having been raised by a narcissist. There was no “we” or “us” - there was no other opinion that mattered, no perspective, no teamwork, no compromise. Dad called all the shots on EVERYTHING. And yet he was gone working 6-7 days a week!? Controlled everything in the home while not even being in the home. I never would have known he was a covert, though, with just that characteristic…it was the combination of control, quiet introversion, but outward resentment and condemnation of others: everyone ELSE was to blame for his perceived “failures.”

[@Bf26fge]

Control is a big issue with all narcissists, but not always stemming from the same motivation. We narcissists know best. If we care about you we have to be in control so you wont come to harm or make errors. Thus a paradox of narcissism. We can blindly harm people we care about. It isnt always purposeful, a result of our own personal vanities or to protect our egos, or as a result of evil motives. It can also result from good motives, blind spots, and thinking errors.

[@suenutt7627]

No conversation - unless they want to brag about themselves.

[@westongloger6005]

Wow yes

[@jp5419]

So true. They're so fuckibg boring! Nothing new. No insight. Boring as hell.

[@strandedinanisland457]

All in their head though...delusional

[@earthtariankyrasimone]

This!!!!

[@elizabethortiz2571]

Absolutely. Oh how I know that! They love to brag about themselves. They have to do all the talking and you have less. They brag about lies! 😳😵😲🙄🤔😔😈🙆😣

[@jenniehettrick4204]

I was asked what it was like to be in a relationship with a covert Narcissist. (Top of the list was pity) You’ll feel pity. Angry at anyone who ever hurt them before. They’ll have lots of these stories to tell you. Then you’ll feel protective. Dismissing any unkind words about them from your friends or family. You’ve found the love of your life. Your soulmate. A person you thought they only wrote about in books or movies. You’ll guard this relationship. You’ll do whatever it takes to keep it together. To make them happy and feeling safe in the fact that you’ll never hurt them… leave them. This is right where they want you. Fighting and guarded against the world. It’s just the two of you. At least to you it is. There’s already been enough triangulation and manipulation to your mind and heart that you’re blinded with loyalty. Not them. Never them. They have backup connections and making new ones to add to the list. Their loyalty is to themselves and what they can get and from who. Your boundaries are down. Your guard isn’t up towards them. You are left defenseless and vulnerable. That’s when it starts. The mean hateful world they’ve complained about now resides in you. You are causing their unhappiness. Their boredom. You are the clinging choking emotions that suffocate their well being. But they “love” you. But you’re always sad and they don’t like that about you. You used to be so different. Easy going and kind. You didn’t used to question where they were or what they meant by that comment. You’re crazy and they can now easily see why others have hurt you. Why did you ruin everything? Why couldn’t you just keep smiling and nodding your head and being agreeable to their every whim? You’ve become a burden. A boring nuisance. What are you even good for? How did THEY get hooked in a relationship with you? And while you’re crying and broken, they’ll be testing out the next ex. They’ll be leading you around by your sobbing nose and make it look like maybe… could be they were wrong about you. Twinkling hope in your sorrowful eyes like diamond stars in a perfect sky of possibilities. There are, of course, so many things you’ll need to change about yourself. You’ve let yourself go and your thoughts are useless. You’re lucky they care about you because nobody else in this world does or will. And then, snap, they’re in another story with someone new. But only new to you. They’ve been grooming this person while you cried your heart out. Begging for it to be like it used to be. But it never was or will be.

[@lashingtung]

That's my 20 year marriage with four kids in a nutshell....been separated for a bit over a year and I feel loads better. But still occasionally struggle with feeling badly for her, still guilty if I made the right choice. She initially proposed divorce to me, had me signed papers and all. Then took it back when she saw I was willing to go along with it. She even went so far as to accuse me of willing leaving when she kicked ME OUT of "her" house. I told she proposed divorce to me and kicked me out, she says that its true but I willingly left.....

[@ccynthiasarnicki3637]

Jennie spot on! Well said.

[@mslnie]

That's exactly it. Very eloquently stated. Thank you. Resonates deeply.

[@PurplePassionPaper]

Wow, that was well thought, I have lived with one too, my mother.....and you are right. For a kid it is abuse, neglect and emotional confusion and exhaustion. They make you feel like you are nothing, worthless. Nothing about you is ever right or good enough. Even being 'nice' to people could get me in trouble for being 'a goodie two shoes'. Everything had to be about her and her conceited mind. Basically, I had a miserable childhood because of the way she was. I am 53 now, and still haven't gotten over not being loved by her. My father rarely spoke to me and I think it was because of her. Everyone was intimidated by her. One of her favorite things to do was to humiliate him, and me.

[@invisibleme5]

Jennie Hettrick This is the best, most concise description of the narc cycle! I can now spot them within minutes, but it took 30 years to wake up to what was happening and another five to unravel the mess. It’s mind blowing how skilled they are at manipulating otherwise intelligent people with compassion and guilt as weapons.

[@wanderingfree149]

Coverts use your compassion against you. Your kindness is seen as a weakness to them

[@paulclinton6414]

Sick

[@candacecasey5634]

Until you catch on and refuse to keep doing it.

[@bonnie3232]

So true. End the end, you don't trust your own instincts and perceptions. But, once you finally get away, finally go no contact for real, you will begin to heal.

[@judywhittlesey4010]

Kindness and compassion for others is a good thing, in small doses. Just don't allow any one person to build a crutch from it. You will eventually be the one pushing their wheelchair. My husband was a hard worker, but "always" said, "I'll be glad when I can retire, and you can push my wheelchair." Listen to and observe all those repetitive things that your gut tells you "this is wrong!"

[@nobsnoargue4126]

@@bonnie3232 not if the empath only lives 9 months after forced to marry HER

[@roxystarlite4106]

The confusion was so bad I was gaslighting myself.....I still have issues not trusting myself

[@brookablount4993]

Same for me

[@aniqabano1582]

It erodes your confidence and decision making. Not only it makes you lag in professional career, you also doubt making new friendships

[@vivianeguadalupe2614]

So huge hug for you ❤ the fact you are conscious now, is already so important and valuable. Thank you ❤

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

Same

[@arrowdogtraining7688]

I so relate to this comment. I’ve been divorced since May of 2022 and I still question myself and wonder if I should have treated him with more kindness. He’s still on TicTok bashing me and now our adult daughter. He can’t move on. He just dwells there and continues to hurt us!

[@bluntweirdo]

“the things they did when they were mean... that’s who that person is.” YES

[@DBK155]

It took me 15 years to figure that out

[@jannekegerritsen301]

No that is the hurt inner child asking for your love and so healing

[@bluntweirdo]

Janneke Gerritsen K. you have fun healing a narc, I have things to do.

[@benmjt]

@@jannekegerritsen301 Get out of the FOG

[@Exiria]

Oh my god

[@selfhelpsonya]

I was dating a covert narcissist who would cycle between love bombing and put downs in one single encounter. He would shift between a story about how he wants to marry me, to how I wasn't attractive enough to want to be with me. I couldn't even process what was happening. It was one of the most confusing and bizarre dating experiences of my life.

[@amandacampos5319]

Same. 😭 And when he would put me down which made my mood change, suddenly I’m the party pooper and I don’t know how to have good time because I’ve become quite.

[@BioHertz]

So if I may ask you a question(I too have been in a covert malignent Narc situation) Doessent "covert" mean they unleash the meanness on you in private, for no one to see. ? And when in the open world, you would not see the narcness, nor would anyone else.

[@amandacampos5319]

@@BioHertz I don’t fully understand the meanings of the different types, but that sounds about right. The narc that I was involved with made himself appear to be this great man and so good to me in front of others, (he would sometimes say things in front of his grown kids but maybe because he felt comfortable and most likely they knew he’s a narc) but behind closed doors and especially when he was in a mood is where I got the verbal/emotional abuse

[@BioHertz]

@@amandacampos5319 Yes, it sounds too familiar. Thank you, much love

[@pebbles92able]

Rn my covert narc ex is trying to hoover me. I can't take it anymore. He is begging and apologizing but I won't fall for it.

[@joyalways1179]

They are babies trying to manipulate mommy, still.

[@candacecasey5634]

Exactly

[@tripleyoker2049]

Except now, you're the mommy--whom they seek to punish for having allowed them to be born!

[@kensyskye8965]

Think Forurself and probably their mommy’s too...Still.....

[@judywhittlesey4010]

And they are always looking for the perfect "mommie" for them, the one they think they never had! That WILL be you, if you allow It!

[@brannonburroughsburroughs5768]

Right on point

[@lizh4817]

I soooo needed this. Moving out this coming Thursday and I have been going back and forth and feeling guilty. This just confirms everything for me! Pray for me guys ❤

[@melissab8500]

I hope it went well! Don't feel guilty, save yourself

[@TARAdubbleyuu]

I hope you made it out of there successfully! I’m praying for you ♥️

[@lizh4817]

Guys I made it out! Been out for a week and he’s trying to hoover hard. I do have a 2yo with him so I’m being respectful and careful. He doesn’t know where we live. Continue to pray for us. 😊

[@TARAdubbleyuu]

@@lizh4817 Congratulations!!! I'm so proud of you. Thank you for the update and for the hope that you have given to others (like me 😊) by sharing your journey. Even though we don't know each other, I send my love to you and your little one. Hold on to your courage and steadfastness and never tip your hand, no matter how convincing the hoover tactics. You can do this! I'll continue praying that God protects you and gives you discernment and clarity as you find your feet again. You're brave to have fought for your freedom and God will light your path. Happy Christmas to you and your baby!

[@lizh4817]

@@TARAdubbleyuuI so appreciate you!!! God is truly sending a village and you guys are apart of it 💕 Sending prayers and blessings your way. Merry Christmas to you and yours! 😊 Advice, start to slowly disconnect, stop sharing your day, keep it short and simple. This will help you in the long run because you’re training yourself to be without the person. Plan exit and save! I started planning and saving in July. It took a few months and don’t think too hard. Keep a journal of what the narc does to remind yourself. You got this!!!!

[@HomerSimpson85]

Who else has also truly realized just how much narcissism is fully integrated throughout our entire society, because of the cruel and evil abomination of a "system" we have? It's unbelievably nerve wracking and anger provoking, to say the least.

[@zeferenahuckleby7818]

I.was just thinking this.

[@racerx5379]

It's not the system , its satan.

[@ashlieperry2273]

@@racerx5379 bingpot! It's sin that stems from Satan.

[@TheAyrik]

Its human nature to be narcissist and some people are just more predatory than others nothing to do with the system.

[@mztwixed]

Carefully and systematically created to malign society. That’s how Satan works.

[@karikari7336]

Ugh it’s so hard to find non toxic people these days. 😢

[@sni-ri1yg]

The worst part is they try to effect the people who are most vulnerable. They too weak to attack established people.

[@penyarol83]

Absolutely... we're all just taking each other down....

[@leahc8347]

@Life Hacker 38 years and unfortunately I havnt found one... Brought up by a bunch of overt narcissists then locked into an arranged marrige with a clinically mental person, tried excaping, had grief, threats and mindgames from the religious community for leaving, close 'friends' and people I trusted to be friends betraying me and even helping my abusers, and the religious community got their head together (even raised money, smear campainges, family even helping because how dare I leave the religion, even if all kinds of abuse was going on...) they worked hard to sway authorities against me to the point I was so isolated and broken... and nowhere left to turn for help.. then I met the covert narc, which I thought was 'heaven sent'... at least a loving connection from another human being... but I found out this was all one big 'cosmic joke'. I stay here alone now, contemplating my healing, becoming abit more aware but how the hell am I meant to trust another person, or free myself... and physically unwell from it all, juggling the issues still thrown at me, all the while not trying to let anyone know how broken I really am inside... because people tend to flinch and run a mile if the start to hear what I lived through and survived and I know I have to try holding my tongue and not share if I am to have a chance to connect with people, and also too I know what will happen again if I do show any weakness*..

[@styledna24]

That’s because they are hiding the truth, this types of people are not grounded in reality.

[@EloraSelah]

@@leahc8347 how beautifully have you articulated your feelings into words.

[@elizabethharper3181]

"The things they did when they were MEAN, that's who they are!" ...I do well to remember this...👍

[@bethflynn4278]

How do we forget, but yet we do.......

[@matthewaldgate3903]

Judge them buy there actions not there words

[@gigiw.7650]

Elizabeth Harper Taste their fruit to see if it is good. 😊

[@jadeabbey5601]

Yes!! As petty as it sounds I hate to rename him in my phone as ‘Evil Narc’ to serve as a visual reminder every time he tried to contact me. I also began journaling after every interaction with him to analyse/immortalise his true self in my head. I highly recommend doing these things for anyone struggling to leave and break that cognitive dissonance for good :)

[@morningstar92]

The "good times" were fake remember that they were acting for their benefit.

[@smoly37]

The part about the feeling sorry for them is spot on. I've been with someone who was serverely abused in his early youth and beyond. Every time he did or said something that really hurt, I got very angry with him but after the rage went down I felt sorry for him in such a way that I still haven't thrown him out. That lead to me getting more and more frightened because he is also a classic bully that will threaten you and intimidate.

[@simonelvins742]

I was with someone like that. Can't do it any more. Too negative. Too angry.

[@smoly37]

@@simonelvins742 Me neither. He nearly destroyed all the nice, positive things in my life. He's gone. It took tremendous amounts of stress to get to that point. That's to say: he has his own place now. The moving is going a bit slow- we don't have a car and his new place is far, in Dutch terms- you Americans probably laugh about the distance. I'm already feel much better. Some mistakes really are costly. Shame that I learned this so late in life. Wish I'd known it 15 years ago.

[@daretodream...898]

It was a hideous cycle ... He would say something extremely hurtful, then he would say he was just kidding. I would think ... Well ok, he was just kidding. Round and round it went, until one day I thought ... He said he was kidding ... BUT I'M STILL HURTING ... IT'S NOT OK I didn't know until much later the root cause of his ever-present anger. He told me once when I tried to tell him how much I was hurting ... "You don't know what hurt is. You were never f**ked in the a*s when you were a kid." And all along, he secretly held such disdain for me because he believed his own mother knew about the abuse. It nearly killed me.

[@invisibleme5]

“The only downfall of having a good heart is that you're constantly looking for angels inside of demons. And they wonder why the good know so much pain. ” - R.H. Sin, Tumblr Just saw that quote and it reminded me of the message in this video.

[@derrickrr5516]

It can certainly seem that way. I think Narcissists usually seek out compassionate and forgiving people or people who have a history of emotional pain. Probably because they will be most likely to feel pity and guilt. The interesting thing to me is this, how much of it is conscious versus subconscious? I would guess it’s more like permanent programming that can’t have the software upgraded.

[@sorinapavel1321]

@@derrickrr5516 They seek for unawear people, naive, vulnerable, in need. But first of all full of ressources.

[@derrickrr5516]

Sorina Pavel Do you think it’s completely conscious tactics or pure instinctual?

[@skeyesk2717]

Beautiful quote! 🌟

[@sorinapavel1321]

@@derrickrr5516 It is both. And they know what they are doing.

[@dustymiller2912]

When they have power over you, they act like dictators. When they lose that power, they resort to emotional blackmail. It's all an act. They're soulless machines, whose only goal is to control and use you.

[@hadotonini1189]

That's true. That's what my narcissist aunt tried to do me. She did and does a lot of evil things to me and my family. However, my family especially my parents are too meek to stand for themselves. They were busy trying to keep peace on the surface while sacrificing our own feelings and needs. I got into a huge fight with her few months ago after bottling up all my feelings since I was little. I finally got the gut to speak out my mind; I told her to shut the fuck up, cursed her, shouted at her and letting go all of my negative feelings. When she tried to counter attack me, I said "bye bitch!" and walked away. She hated it so much because she lost control over me and she got no chance to argue back. I still remember how she verbally harrassed me during my grandmother's funeral although I was in complete silence. She was busy creating scenes and shouting, "Why did you call me bitch!!!..." She was also busy badmouthing about me to the other relatives who don't know us well. Perhaps she wanted to act as the victim. Nevertheless, I don't care about her and what others think. I just smirked and looked at her in disguist. She acted very pathetic for a 59 year old bitter and unemployed woman who self claimed to be the smartest among her siblings. Mind you, she got fired from her job in 1980s due to her colleagues' signature campaign. Nobody can get along with her as she always insult other people. She has been brainwashing my older brother who is too forgiving to convince me to say sorry to her. But I strongly refused. I see no point of letting that woman into my life ever again. Since that, I've stopped all sort of communication with that nasty aunt. I'm happier to think of her as a stranger. Although she self claimed my late grandmother's house which happens to be mom's neighbor, I never visit my late grandmother's house anymore. It's simply easier to ignore her and walk away. I hope she'll die in loneliness in that house.

[@AEHudg]

@@hadotonini1189 👏👏👏👏 I like that

[@phillydee67runningbear61]

i hear you Dusty, well put.

[@twentytwenty1968]

It is certainly true no matter how painful it is to feel that

[@daphne4983]

Brain stem creatures

[@nevaehb.4371]

Covert narcs: look at their ACTIONS (not their words) and you will know who they are.

[@pialindeg]

yes thank you

[@sophiabright8371]

Totally. 22 years with a brilliant, obstructive, helpless, crazymaking HOBBIT. I am completely flattened.

[@annamarie3288]

So true

[@robotdeathderby]

this. good god. this was driving me crazy, the difference between the words and actions.

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Hm, yes, but their words are the worst weapons, because they belittle you and criticize in order to hurt and to make you feel guilty. So watch both, actions AND words.

[@joehibbler7120]

I was married to a covert Narcissists for 5 years and as student psychology . I am amazed at how dynamic the emotion is on discard. The revel is difficult grasp that they never loved or could love you.. so your left mourning a show, figment of fantasy and imagination that for all purposes felt real and was real to you.

[@JayRosenthal-wz7vm]

So painfully true

[@Babee56]

Do they change into a different person? This is what happened to me and I feel like he might have wanted me to breakup with him. Now he’s seeking pity everywhere because I did him wrong by leaving him but he did something unforgivable (repeatedly for an entire week away on vacation where I couldn’t leave) for me to do this

[@missp1030]

@@Babee56yup. They’re good at reverse discarding us! Sick sick people

[@HTNPSullivan]

After I got my ex to leave, I wrote him a long letter, mainly just to feel like I could finally speak MY truth. Among other things, I said that it's painful enough for a relationship to end because someone doesn't love you anymore, but it's so much worse to realize that person never loved you at all. He texted me in reply saying, "My feelings for you are different now but they still run deep." And I knew that was bullshit. He'd groomed a Plan B a full year or more before I gave him an ultimatum over paying his share of bills. He thought I didn't know. I actually was praying he would leave on his own. I can only imagine what he'd been telling her as to why he was still with me, and why suddenly he couldn't bear to be apart from her. I feel sorry for her. Last I heard, they were living in a tent and sometimes getting house-sitting gigs. So, basically, they're homeless. And yeah, for a long time I was too worried about him to break up with him. On top of which, I had lost confidence that I could manage financially on my own. I think the last straw for me was when I became disabled after heart surgery and when I was approved for disability payments, he said excitedly, "Now we're stylin!" And I said, "I hope you don't think we're going to live off my disability checks. " He looked stunned. And shortly afterwards, he lost his job (through no fault of his own) and rather than find another job after his unemployment ran out, he started selling his plasma twice a week to come up with rent money. That was it for me. How did I ever let someone that pathetic make me feel bad about myself? I put myself through college, worked more than 30 years as a reporter, then as a substitute teacher, and he moved in with ME from a kind of flop house. He's intelligent, well spoken, attractive and a decent bullshitter, so he had me fooled for a long time. Why I stayed with him for years is a long story, but what's worse is here I am all triggered and venting about him four freakin years after he left!

[@melissawarren9499]

@@HTNPSullivan I’m in a similar situation right now but he doesn’t have a girl to go to. I don’t know how to make him leave my home. We have been together 11 years and I moved in with my parents to get away from him but he is living in my home! He has had no income for 4 years now. He has no car. No family. He says that he is sick all the time, I’m disabled and working part time to support us and my daughter. I don’t know how to get him to go or where to take him. I’m so done. He had sucked the life out of me.

[@preciousthing101]

I was in a devastating relationship with a covert narcissist. However, he didn’t have a sob story. He was just very gentle and shy at first to the point of seeming extremely harmless which I loved. He was EXTREMELY charming and chivalrous. Love bombing, sweeping me off my feet as a perfect gentleman. Then as I was obviously in love with him, he started showing his true colors. He’d be crazy about me one day, take me SUPER high and then the next day drop me. He would withdraw his affection completely, to the point of being cold hearted and cruel, then the next be crazy about me again. It was a maddening roller coaster, that would leave me SOOOOO confused and wondering what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t good enough. Perpetually chasing those highs. He is an EXTREMELY private person and wouldn’t go into specifics about his past. It got to the point that I became “trained” that when he was sweet, romantic, gentle, I knew to enjoy it to the max cause the next day he’d be bored with me and discard me. It was 6 years of torture, that left me with baaaaad expectations of men and literary I suffer from PTSD whenever getting involved and in new relationships. Subconsciously doing the dropping before I get discarded. Which is why I have made the decision to stay single until I am able to deprogram all these horrible behaviors. These type of people leave you traumatized and in need for therapy.

[@janedavis4793]

Thank you for your story. I also am single. My ability to be in a relationship is completely broken, I can’t trust anyone. It takes years to recover from this-well for me anyway. Take care...💜💟

[@yonta123]

Phenomenal Woman this is exactly what I experienced from my father and then from my intense covert narc/sociopath only to have a string of these after.... it was exhausting. So much so I also have ptsd... and I now avoid any intimacy or relationships possible. I feel it’s made me the same but I’d never do that to someone so I keep myself single and alone ... so I don’t hurt anyone... but it’s because I was so broken by so many in a long row. That I feel it broke me and my ability to believe in love or that someone will love me or they won’t end up like this. Sad life. I even stopped being able to perform for a while and socially interact. Became agoraphobic even for a while. But it’s the weird sad truth of the damage they do. PTSD is so real... and long term real damage is real. I wish there could be a way to heal to how I was before I met my ex. I was so soft open and loving and believed in it. Now I just don’t. And that isn’t healthy... but since I can’t attract or trust healthy I just stay away.

[@rosbifle413]

Did you never ask yourself if maybe you were ever at fault? If you didn't this may be a red flag that you have narcissistic tendancies.

[@carlybrennan5997]

Sending you love and healing. You’re on the right path.

[@bonanonymouscrickett5231]

I grew up with a narc dad then attracted numerous narcs. It was this endless cycle of not good enough just like GOD (good old dad). I finally recognized the PTSD came from my childhood abuse and trying to resolve my dad's loveless attitude toward me. Distant. Cold. Cruel. It sets us up to relive it in our relationships. I studied PTSD in college and since and one therapist told me these wise words I share with you and readers: you never heal.from PTSD .. You learn coping strategies. It's very true. You will always have triggers and flashbacks especially if there was childhood abuse. If you had a normal childhood then you can reprogram yourself after an abusive relationship. It takes a lot of work and cultivating self love again. When you can answer why you let it go on that.long and why you didn't love yourself enough to get out immediately you're on the road back to normal. Good luck. I hope that helps.

[@stephaniebyard3958]

“The things that they did when they were mean, that’s who that person is.” Felt that! 👍👍👍

[@ajseals4980]

I so totally agree 1000% my girl!! I was with mine for 18 years on and off for the past 5... When I caught him in a lie AGAIN (he stormed out the door with a bag of "some" clothes and 2 of our dogs; up the road he went to mom n dad's... Only a hop skip and jump from where we were living at that time) anywho I recorded it, and he did not know that that was going to be the LAST time he walked out that door! Surprised him LOL! Sorry so long

[@malwads1836]

Exactly...Anything OTHER than the nastiness is just merely part of the 🎭/false self.

[@mikewilkins2030]

The get extremely evil! Nasty, like a demon comes out! It’s scary!

[@katherinebuchanan9350]

Yep

[@moniquebode1655]

Yes I learnt that my husband wasn't the man I thought he was

[@livvyjos]

The Covert Narcissist is basically dealing with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde… their behaviour keeps you living on the edge causing you major anxiety and all the time maintaining they’re the normal ones and making you think you’re losing the plot.

[@rachaelesque3]

Bingo!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@FindYourFree]

that's it

[@sarahslater3534]

Yup

[@Mea_DS]

Spot on!!!

[@StrangerOnO]

Yes they will cause the ptsd diagnosis

[@kasiakwiatkowska7986]

Great video, spot on. Unfortunately when narcissist is a co-parent, you cannot block him totally, and the worst is that they use parenting issues to cause confusion.

[@ViktorDN]

Yes. My ex says to me I am a narcissist and maybe I am narcissistic. But I wouldn’t dare to call her a narcissist without a diagnosis for proof and I wouldn’t dare to instrumentalize, weaponize our child or use him as a means of pressure for getting what I want. Maybe I am a narcissist because I badmouth her (only telling the truth, but nontheless over the years that has become the only way for me to come clear with it). Damn I even became violent and betrayed my own boundaries of behavioral approaches.

[@bad.chickie66]

Yeah but sometimes a covert married an overt and the covert makes all the women in her life think she’s a good person.

[@bad.chickie66]

@@ViktorDNyou don’t need a professional diagnosis to know what you’re dealing with lol

[@adrianaaagaardsommer3466]

I just left a covert narcissist. No contact!! I got away after 3 months Thank God. Since then I have been sleeping 11 hours every night to recover. I was exhausted. I am so done with my pattern of nursing grown up people. No more!! ❤️ put my big girl pants on 😂

[@bobbivaneman1584]

Adriana...Good one ! Me too. We need to give them their binky & shove them out the door.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Adriana Aagaard Sommer, you deserve better

[@EscapingTheMadness]

The sleep is sooo needed we all go through this period!!

[@mattikarosenthal3298]

This makes my hair hurt. Do we ever truly recover from these, especially if they were long marriages? I just try not to think about it anymore. But sometimes these videos can trigger the memories, even after 25 years have passed.

[@asparrow5505]

It's messed up how much they can wreck your health and how long it takes to recover but I believe most people will if they make themselves a priority.

[@llcrow9693]

Got my daughter to watch this short video and she FINALLY recognized that her boyfriend was a narcissist (though I was telling her). She described the video as "life-changing." Thanks.

[@LindaEckertBallard]

Sadly, have been unable to reach my daughter who was raised by Narcissistic Father. It was her choice, but I (mom) was vilified by him as he continued his tude against her (she could never do or say anything or 'else' she just turned 55 and still very unhappy an I perhaps the only one that could answer those questions but she does not speak to me.. Sadly my grandson committed suicide 3 years ago, and I saw it coming since she took on her daddy's disease, grandson could never do anything right and never please his mom and doubt if granddad had anything to do with him either 😓

[@mamas_quilts3573]

Thanking God for Richard and you(her mum) for helping her!! Her whole life will be better!

[@mamas_quilts3573]

@@LindaEckertBallard i can only hope you're wrong... To be the mum and endure this must be so painful...

[@LindaEckertBallard]

@@mamas_quilts3573 it is very painful and sad, however, I got away from the abuse and the only times I ever looked back was regarding my daughter. She blames me for every wrong choice she ever made and I was there trying to plant good seeds all the time but she never listened to me :'( I watched another video this evening about family scapegoats and how to keep from being scapegoated (it was mainly directed toward children of narcissistic families .. in my case, I was "it". I am sad though but have had to let it all go since I do not allow anyone to abuse me any longer. Sadly, I tried to be the perfect wife for 10 years and realized I could never succeed in doing anything right. That was 45 years ago and I could never trust anyone since. I am a happy camper and live every day as if it were going to be my last and ENJOY all the Blessings I can and also give :) No more time to waste. I still never lose hope that one day she will grow up. Also carrying around so much hate has really had a very bad effect on her health .. if ONLY she would Wake UP and Let it ALL GO :/ Thanks and Blessings to you

[@gymnast2890]

@@LindaEckertBallard I'm so sorry. I feel sick. Sending you much healing & love♥️♥️🌎🌎⚡⚡♾♾

[@gatheringmoss5726]

"The things that they did when they were mean, that's who that person is." The world needs that on posters, bumper stickers, those wacky rubber bracelets, billboards...

[@marlenr8691]

Cece oh yes... completely different people from the one you thought they were

[@barbi3jane]

Well put!

[@gatheringmoss5726]

@@marlenr8691 Indeed. Often, when you describe this to people, they come back with pat justifications such as "some people just have difficulty expressing themselves" or whatever else they need to say in order to justify or minimize the bad behavior. As soon as someone uses the word "just" when explaining why someone did something abusive, they're minimizing what was done. It's extremely difficult for people to come to grips with the fact that the nice guy/gal side of someone isn't real, and the mean side is the true person.

[@maretijewel1470]

Cece. Yesss.. My thoughts exactly! I'm making this my wallpaper!.. 👏

[@gatheringmoss5726]

@@maretijewel1470 Haha! Good idea!

[@KCno4]

No contact from the alleged covert narc in my life for 18 months. It has been a cycle of anger and guilt. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I do feel crazy. I appreciate you saying that the covert narc does more damage. The urge to give in and say sorry and make it right is very strong. My therapist told me to write a list of everything they have done and all the feelings I have had as to why I’m no contact. Then every time I get the urge I have to read the list. I’m still going through it and healing. Healing is not linear. My therapist reminds me that I don’t feel the feelings once and I’m done. This is a grieving process. The feelings of hurt and anger will come up over and over but with practice/processing the feelings stay for less time and have less power over me.

[@JessicaJames-ed1lw]

Pls push through! It will take time. It's just like quitting addictions, you have to go through withdrawal, learn new behavior patterns and thought processes. I just thought about how I myself always gave another chance because I felt guilty for abandoning him. Because I understood the abuse he suffered, broke him and made him mentally sick. But I just clarified for myself, I have nothing to be guilty about. Others hurt and damaged him, he hurt and damaged me. I gave only love, kindness, energy and myself. I am not guilty of any of his problems. I am sure you have tried your best as well.

[@annetterhynold5177]

My ex was a covert narcissist. I was confused most of my 34 years of marriage. Once I finally left my family felt sorry for him. They were shocked I would leave because he was such a great man.I had to realize I needed to save myself and not feel sorry for him anymore. My family didn't know the real man. After of 2 1/2 years away from him, I am finally happy.

[@keldealmeida5768]

I feel happy for you. I wish you all the best!

[@bronwyntanner4501]

I did 14 years of insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narcissist. 14 years of sadness, loneliness, confusion, disappointment, reactive abusing (I was the crazy one). Grateful to have left JUne 2017 and finding me since then

[@sondrab2547]

I am on year 30... and still not sure but I am definitely miserable. What was the "real man" like? I know I will be seen as the monster if I leave as well. But most of the time I do feel like I'm the bad guy.

[@gulnari.1709]

@@sondrab2547 22 years here. Feel the same. After I asked for divorce, he's trying to charm me , even offering me to go, take time to "heal" have therapy ,since he convincing me that I'm the problem and something is wrong with me...

[@isabelreyes4381]

I try believe my narc husband has been talking with my narc siblings behind my back. Slot of gaslighting trying to make me crazy. He wanted me to do something unsavory, I refused. And all hell broke lose in my life after that............pure narc revenge and my siblings are in on it.

[@shannonbest106]

If someone cycles through ‘saying sorry’ for the same behaviors repeatedly, they really are not sorry…

[@kelebeksky]

Thiiiiiissssss

[@Diana5513]

Circular arguments! My ex would apologize but we would never resolve the issue so it would get brought up again.. and again.. He would almost always turn things around and veer completely off-topic by bringing up my past (hooking up with others/ex boyfriends, mom being a recovering alcoholic, me posting modelling pictures, having male friends.. ALL before I even knew him) to use against me. Each time I'd bring up the same issue, they'd accuse me of wanting to start an argument when really these issues were just never resolved.

[@Christal101]

Never qn apology

[@MsChantae]

@@Diana5513 wow literally what I went through just recently. You confide in then and they use it against you.

[@MsChantae]

@@Christal101 it's exhausting and sorry is such a simple thing to say. You want to hear it from them more than anything you start to wonder if they never heard it growing up...like why is it so difficult to just say sorry

[@jennifermichaels6481]

Having had been married twice, once to a grandiose narcissist then to a covert narcissist, I realized my empath personality attracted them. I had to learn to get help for myself in order to trust that I will not allow another narcissist to try and destroy me. For years I felt completely insane.

[@micheleshively8557]

Same. 40 plus years with 2 different narcs. Insane is correct

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

I did EXACTLY the same thing-driven crazy for 39 years!

[@cynthiamccloud3342]

I been with him for 35 YEARS AND he think he SLICK, IT IS SHOCKING TO KNOW MY HUSBAND IS A NARCISSIST AND A NASTY PERVERT TOO!

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

@@cynthiamccloud3342 , I’m SO SORRY. plan quietly and run!

[@skepticalchar9806]

3 in a row: 1) married off at 19 to an abusive cross dressing fetishist who did drugs, cheated and beat me for 10 years. All of my twenties, gone! Left with two kids. 2) thought my suffering was over. Met a Turkish government official who I had amazingly intellectual conversations with, six years In he is hitting me, verbally abusing me, stonewalling me for weeks at a time, etc. Thirties, gone! 3) cry about my horrible misfortune, man claims to be victim of the same, we date and things are wonderful. Move in, he begins to lose his jobs, does drugs, find out he has children he never claimed, trolls craigslist for sex, borrows money and never repays, ignores me for months when I ask him to go to therapy, etc. I'm now 46. I never had a decent partner, ever. I am convinced men are freaking evil and narcissistic by their very nature. I'm in therapy, but I will NEVER date a man again after the crap they have done to me. I still look good and get asked out all the time, but men gross me out, might as well have sex with an actual demon, same thing!

[@howarddavies782]

This video is gold for someone like myself who has been trying to make sense of the chaos and drama that has happened for years. Thank you so much.

[@jennifermorse5803]

Same!

[@TheBrighterSpider]

Quickest way to break the cycle (and also the narcissist) is to get comfortable with being the bad guy. “Yes I’m a mean b*tch and yes, I’m still saying no.” They have absolutely no idea how to handle that. It’s like de-fanging a snake. You can see the helpless confusion in their faces, because nobody ever responded to their guilt trip with calm acceptance and a double down on the offending behavior.

[@Coss122]

I struggle with being the bad guy CONSTANTLY.

[@loribroadfoot5023]

I've started by saying "So what?" in my head, before I engage a response, and now I will be more comfortable not only standing my ground, but *de-fanging the snake* Bless you.

[@jenniferrobs3980]

Just be aware that it will eventually trigger anger.

[@TheBrighterSpider]

@@jenniferrobs3980 Oh, absolutely. Instant rage. Spinning head like a demon, screaming and frothing at the mouth. But that’s all day, every day, anyway.

[@AbyssalManta]

My mother would go full on psycho when I did that, and when I defended myself from her PHYSICAL attacks, she'd go and tell everyone *I* was assaulting her. Now, you know the stigma that carries, right? You could be LITERALLY looking at jail time, and police couldn't care less about presumption of innocence in that particular scenario either. She couldn't care less either. These creatures are like rabid animals. They are demons, they are raw manifestations of evil. There's no pacifying them, there's no line they aren't willing to cross.

[@WildDuo]

"The things that they did when they were mean, that's who that person is." From the bottom of my heart thank you. I needed to hear this.

[@augustpriest6945]

Sadly ,oh how right you are

[@amelia583]

This is the hardest part for an empath/co-dependent to understand. We insist on believing the narcissist is a good person who has some bad traits, when really they are a bad person who is able to feign being nice at times. Once you truly understand that they are being sincere when they mock, ridicule, gaslight, and smear you, they never look the same. Unfortunately, this can take years to see.

[@joannpelliccio-lindgren2969]

@@amelia583 Very true.

[@iluminet]

It is true, and this is why they hate themselves so much that they take it out on you. (Hugs)

[@iluminet]

@@prometheuspredator7971 Look up Jung shadow theory. I think I left another comment on this video about the theory that narcissism is a form of PTSD in which the sufferer rejects their shadow after the trauma and develops a false ego to compensate. Most trauma victims repress instead of denying the shadow and work it out over time. The narcissists denial and development of a false ego would predictably keep them suspended in the anger phase of post trauma. Richard Grannon recently did a video about this.

[@Cheryl_Frazier]

Going through a breakup with a fragile narcissist is SO isolating because most everyone you know mutually sees your partner in such a different light - the one they portray when people are around. Therefore there are hardly people to talk to about it and thus my other long post. Thankful for people who get it!

[@thenarcxorcist9233]

Totally agree! It's a lonely road because everyone sees them as quiet, humble and they wouldnt be able to wrap their heads around the truth we know.

[@tiger-resssparkle2686]

I u. Derstand they change in fro t of others then treat u badly but so sweet overly to others

[@Kristin-mt2jw]

It’s horrible, they are con artists. Taking video might help. Give it a try...😉

[@Cheryl_Frazier]

@@thenarcxorcist9233 Exactly!! Just ran into some friends who knew him before we met and THEY understand, which is so helpful.

[@Cheryl_Frazier]

@@tiger-resssparkle2686 Yes!! It's so frustrating!!

[@marieclaudelatour8542]

This teaching is excellent! I was in this type of marriage for over 30 years. You are describing clearly the dynamics. You are absolutely right here. I am now divorced, recovering from all this abuse. Sadly enough that I endured this with children in the picture.The tool that helped me was to disengaged any type of arguments, conflicts or confrontations to be able to action toward a separation and divorce. I recommend this teaching to young people dating before they go too far in a relationship that can affect them for the rest of their lives. I wished I knew back in the 1980's. Thank you.

[@blackbirdbones1455]

22 yrs for me. now i see it all. he has heart failure now at 80...i feel like i'm in prison for 'his' life.

[@lolohenderson6475]

I just got out a relationship with someone that left me more confused every time we spoke. We never solved anything!! I knew something was wrong!! Crazy making is a nice way to put it!!

[@hollymesser1761]

Never resolving even the simplest of problems is a hallmark of the time spent babying them. There cannot be closure w these types !!

[@mmommo-hx4dx]

mine did it for 37 years. im free now, so happy I cry

[@FreeRangeLunatic]

Yep, that seems to never get better. I never got answers. And I barely escaped from my own chaos he caused inside me. Congratulations and stay safe and away.

[@anthonyshepherd1222]

I was in a 12 year marriage like this…surprised I’m still here!

[@Mo.1988]

And you stayed because??

[@GlamDrMona]

“The things they do when they’re mean. That’s who that person is.” That gave me chills.

[@goldenautumn3073]

And it's true.

[@jomansson5742]

That's their angry ego. It can be healed. But until they do, in the meantime we have to protect ourselves.

[@phylliswithlove]

This stuck with me most too. I broke up with my ex a month and a half ago, but 2 weeks ago they asked to see me for their birthday since I was their best friend and they missed me. I gave in and got back on the rollercoaster. It was good until I quickly realized their patterns were back and they weren't going to change. The day I ended things again (last Tuesday) they told me specific behaviors of mine that they said led to their perfectionism and emotional distance. It's been plaguing my mind ever since. I am so glad I happened upon this video. They always either blamed other people or themselves (in a self-pitying, victimizing sort of way). It could be me or anyone else. I want stability. Never again will I accept less. People show us who they are.

[@LittleMsLibra8]

Same.. hairs standing up!!

[@BonzoGal1980]

Absolutely.

[@SandraMel1109]

It’s crazy how I WOULD NEVER allow anyone to talk to me the way he did. When it came to him though? I would just sit there and take it; ended up apologizing for making him do the things he did. Smh

[@sandygrays4066]

Run run run.... Taking the blame for something you didn't do.... And don't look back put him in your rear view mirror keep it moving..... Be well

[@gianniclaud]

Me too. I just took it… I’m so back and forth it’s driving me nuts

[@YourNameHere141]

This comment right here explains my four year relationship... Rediculous

[@eurokay4755]

My covert mom will say, "But that's just the way he is, and he's your brother. Family is everything." Then she'll point out how he's ruined his own life by bullying and abusing everyone, lives alone in a mobile home, etc. trying to guilt me into acting like his abuse is o.k. to make HER feel better. Alternately, she'll insult, belittle, accuse, etc. me or act as if I'm the impulsive or untrustworthy one. She's a skilled covert narcissist who enables my malignant overt narcissist older brother.

[@graceanneful]

Ah ha spot on! Yep!

[@_RLY_]

9 months ago I was discarded by my first love. Little did I know she was a Fragile narcissist. I begged, pleaded, did ALL the things you're not supposed to do but hey, I gotta learn the hard way unfortunately. Videos like this have really helped me start to process who she really was and what actually happened. Even after all the knowledge I've gained on the subject matter I STILL think about her but Its getting better. It really is wild how damaging these people are. For anyone else suffering here is my advice. Focus on YOU because YOU are all that matters. Do not let some broken person dictate how you feel and how you view yourself. Do things that make you happy, find a new hobby, get that promotion at work. Just stay busy and there will be better days ahead. I believe in you all stay strong because you're worth it. Much love everyone

[@crosa6422]

nailed it! victim mentality .... even when they are doing the victimizing.

[@dianedeclare8541]

bullies who pretend to be victims. for eg. they will present u as the problem cuz they deny their own culpability. what hurts is that they get some people to believe their lies about u - getting others to shun u. 5 year olds do this when they point the finger cuz they do not want to get caught or accept responsibility for their own behaviour. Smear campaign.

[@sarawhitmire7967]

How does that happen??? I am this victim to the extreme and destroy any credibility to 99% of anybody. I am this awful abuser and just iout of control. Not even in range of any way

[@margomazzeo1680]

Sadly..so familiar with this..

[@supermanifold]

it's sick!

[@dredriesen2827]

This really describes my mother. She turns literally everything into self-pity and then throws it at you and makes you responsible for it. If you don't give in, she can get as cold as a stone and say the most horrible things.

[@davinagibson1665]

Yep, mine too! To a "T"..! Shame my siblings can't see it, and are so trauma bonded and still "fighting" over her like little kids(which she loves and causes..🙄)

[@AZDC99]

@@davinagibson1665 it's an ironic term use.. but I AM with you! (It's the "Terrible Twos" for THOSE PEOPLE.... If I'm allowed to even say so nowadays!)

[@ragnar999tobi]

same here, explains why I always got attracted to those fucked up witches.... but the last one I met was a grandiose narcissist that collapsed to a vulnerable XD and she was not very bright.....from a super lawyer to a drunk tinder hooker trying to make some money at night and trying to find a doctor or businessman that takes her in XD she is 44 and hitting the wall, I feel sorry for her little 9 yearl old daughter...they are living from social support, and are put in hostels or governmental institutes I met them in a hostel in Portugal where I stayed before I started to work and to live in my shared apartment. She gave me her fake CV with which I tried to apply her for jobs but got rejections and even block on one company portal because she faked some of her diploms....these people are very stupid...believing they cannot be caught...

[@kirstenhorte5488]

My mother is the same 🤕🤕

[@Christ100]

Well you are all cold as stone to the suffering impoverished who you demand bend to your idea of how things should be, so.... Matthew 25

[@k.polanchekfntp8033]

So good. With my Mom: I tell her nothing and say everything is great. I act indifferent/ apathetic, she gets bored and rarely calls.

[@z1ssou]

Took me a long time to figure that one out. I was stuck cycling back and forth like he mentions in this video. Start to see the real predatory nature of the monster when they willingly ignore you as soon as you stop feeding them. That's the cold reality of their indifference, even as a mother. Finally feel like I have the energy to live my life now. Once I stopped focusing on the details (used to trigger emotional/human response) and observe the pattern it becomes much easier to avoid

[@indiracamotim2858]

Me too !

[@l.j.1585]

Oh yes!!! And when they do finally call they put the responsibility on you for being mad at them for not calling them first; and then when they want to instigate an argument you have left them out of everything and lead a whole other life they know nothing about and you hate them. Well, that is specific for my life dealing with my mom anyway. :)

[@mattwilliam4803]

@@l.j.1585 --sometimes it's best to love, forgive, and pray for- someone you love, who has a demon, from a distance -- a VERY calculated distance 🌅

[@anne-marieshaffer6241]

I kept my mother from visiting by not having tv. If she couldn't watch her soaps, it was the end of the world. I didn't bring tv into my home because I hated how it got more attention than I did as a child. My kids were going to have me and I wasn't going to plan my life around the TV guide.

[@NaturalWonder143]

Thanks for the tough talk. I always went back because he had no friends, by his own choice. I was worried about him. Also the trauma bond and the hope the good guy would resurface.

[@niftynic115]

My mom is a covert and my dad was a grandiose. You can only imagine the fear and manipulation I lived through as a child all while pretending everything was fantastic to other people.

[@henkdebanaan9240]

Are you me?

[@Luubelaar]

I don't need to imagine. I lived it. It sucks big time. *hugs *

[@niftynic115]

apparently it's a common theme for those of us raised by boomers.

[@kellicoulombe1298]

Yikes! :(

[@dodo1859]

Same 😔

[@themousethatroared3371]

He got me with a horrific sob story combined with extreme love bombing. I always felt like the red carpet he rolled out for me turned out to be attached to a roller coaster during an earthquake. I was in a constant state of confusion and and being thrown off balance. Thankfully he discarded me rather quickly and I used the experience to self reflect and work on my own codependency issues.

[@sitascott8446]

@The Mouse That Roared Excellent description!

[@adinashaina9977]

@@sitascott8446 I second that up bump

[@corysmith3447]

most psychologists who evalutate other people are narccists who get narrsitic supply by doing so according to prof sam vahkim

[@diannawhitefield3087]

It was more like being strangled and let go strangled again over and over!

[@nicoleandthings1390]

I experienced the same thing.

[@ginafarley6190]

So true that “they’re leveraging your good nature against you.” It’s a solid gold statement that we all need to remember. Thank you❤️

[@janebraun4482]

I like to say, they see a nice shiny perfect red apple, it just can't be, there has to be a worm inside. They are not 'there' but just looking for the worm, and that's you!!

[@malwads1836]

That's really yucky behavior isn't it🤢?Dreadful.The only + side is that it makes it a lot easier for many of us that go no+contact.

[@tommychappell6359]

some of them seem outright pathological. overly emotional completely just demented in soul. I mean crazy (real) in the head. where can't even control their own impulses and have to put a 'DISPLAY' of their own emotions online. and do thing like talking behind others back. or not truly supporting friend who is difficult situation they should be. I mean most pathlogical maniac you could know. all feelng of dread is past onto others/projeced onto others. no shame or remorse. and talk about you behind back. but believe talk in rumours where don't even see damage happening. been left with bitter aftertaste recently. after seeing them for what they truly are. but seems where innocent always get outed first, instead of actual people with problem.

[@michellemarx8470]

My mom once called me a loser and a deadbeat....and loves to blame confused and insult my dad like calls my dad stupid and braindead for not understanding why she is so angry at him and then wont actually give dad a reason why ...she gets angry at my dads raised voice my mom is a child inside a vulnerable child as a grownup

[@sues3218]

I have called it that they weaponize your empathy against you. Worst experience of my life.

[@moltov313]

This is by far the most accurate description of my ex. Would cycle from grandiose to vulnerable depending on how much control he had over me (or over the people he was cheating on me with). Thank you for this video. All these PhD psychologists couldn’t quite hit the nail on the head, but this video does it. It’s so confusing and absolute insanity. Just leave them. Go no contact, make the move. You can do it! ❤️

[@judywhittlesey4010]

I now know with all my being: When someone SHOWS you who they are BELIEVE THEM! Do not make excuses for them, they may temporarily change, to get what they want, but it is ALWAYS temporary.

[@mikescorpio13]

That is my number one rule.Once the true face is out that person is blocked automatically.

[@LauraLocks3]

Amen

[@ravenoinsdottir7052]

My mother was an Overt narcissist, my father was a covert narcissist, my sister is the 'golden child' and I, the 'black sheep'. It's wild af

[@barbaraherrera3606]

Read your comment and think you might benefit from a little research into being the family “truth teller”. It sounds like that might be helpful. Best wishes

[@knowthyself8233]

Danm 🤦🏿‍♂️

[@jmc4509]

My mother’s the grandiose narcissist, father the enabler, brother the golden-child, sister the invisible child and I’m the scape goat. Also, wild af! wish you the best!! It helps me to know I’m not alone ❤️

[@Jezebel066]

What is it like 2 narcs being married?? How the heck would that work!?

[@vedranavidicevic7159]

Same.Just the same.

[@IAmTheBrandiRay]

“The things that they did when they were mean, that's who that person is." This a thousand times. Wheew.

[@chrisg7996]

Right? So spot on...

[@Edited6]

Had to call out of work for a week due to a family crisis and my boss didn't like lacking my attention. First day out I get a text asking if I'm upset with her. (I had made it clear I was overwhelmed with much more than work.) She quoted "My warmth is reserved for my nephew and mother at the moment." as "The meanest thing I've ever said." I met her almost 9 years ago as a shit-talking dishwasher. I've said such childishly horrid things, it was almost absolving to see that quoted as the worst... (She has screamed in my face plenty and even came to my house after I tried walking away from a fight.)

[@LeahBee4]

I've never experienced anything like this type of relationship- which led me to keep thinking I was the problem. Also, because I was constantly told I was the problem. This did an unbelievable about of damage to me. No one understands this from the outside except for few experts- my family could not wrap their brains around what was happening behind closed doors.

[@tad1111]

I hope your ok, it's happening to me the exact same way.

[@clintonnagy1662]

I relate to your comment. The only ones who understand this type of dynamic is the ones who lived it. "People who lived trauma understand the pain of those going through it." Thats a pain that you'll NEVER forget. I recently connected to a friend after 30 years. He told me about his ex wife and how she was a covert narcissist. We spent the next 1.5 hours talking about our failed relationships and marriages. He got divorced 20 years ago and hasn't been on ONE date since. He told me it ruined him. I understood because I recently been hurt by a vunerable narc female...😢

[@LeahBee4]

@@tad1111 I"m much better now that the poison is out- I really hope you're on a path to peace

[@LeahBee4]

@@clintonnagy1662 I'm so sorry to hear that. I have also found that you have to fight for your life back. You can do it, I promise.

[@rogersmith7475]

"'they are leveraging your good nature against you "... Wow so eye-opening this spoke right to me

[@riannemutsaers]

This is describing my ex. Went through 14 years of misery and after that 18 months therapy to heal. My regret is not leaving earlier, such a waste of precious time. Everyone reading and listening and still with the narc ... get out and go no contact!!!

[@mammadingo9165]

I struggle with thinking of things as a waste of time though it clearly seems that way , coming up 16 years ... I'm still trying to figure out how I got here ! Building my lovely house in hell , confusion an understatement . Thanks for sharing ✌️🌻

[@jar7422]

Mine was 16 years. Took me 3-4 years to start to understand what I even went through. I felt "robbed" of those years. That was the only word I was able to come up with. Most people don't understand that.

[@ericaholmstrom7111]

I have a covert narcissist ex too. I choose to see no time as wasted though. I hate to read about regret and wasted time. I know that you are the amazing woman you are today because of that experience (no matter how hellish). Much love to you and all on our continued journey of being our highest self!

[@bronwyntanner4501]

I did 14 years too. Happy joyous and free since June 2017. Healing and growth and recovery daily since then

[@jar7422]

@@cyemw777 that's what I thought too..... Then God showed me something. Were my boys learning how to treat their future wives? Was my daughter truly learning how to be loved by a future husband? No. To both questions. It was for them that I said ENOUGH. You can do it.

[@debrabrookes5586]

And when you stop feeling guilt and finally say no more you get branded a narcassist for being so heartless.

[@purrjoy8473]

That's what I'm going through .

[@nerodiamante9441]

@@purrjoy8473 willing you the strength to leave and stay gone

[@roisin33]

My mum is telling the whole village im a dangerous lying crack head. Irony is she was on crack then met my crack head dad in AA. Weirdo

[@d.l831]

You get branded heartless also! You’re heartless because IF you TRULY cared, you couldn’t possibly leave them.

[@sarahmk2966]

Lol true

[@aligolightly7359]

I really appreciate this. I am seeing that exact pattern. I left, he blamed, shamed, guilted, insulted, blame shifted, projected, etc. For 6 weeks. It didn’t work. So now he’s pretending to do the work, pray, telling me how he’s got my back and everything, being really nice, buying me things, and generally sounding like he wants to be a better person. For me. 😂 It’s always for me, not because he wants to actually change. Then came the apologies. Then came the “the bed is so cold without you” and “I’m so lonely” and “my heart is crushed” and other guilt trip tracks. So I meet up. He gives me the opportunity to share what has hurt me. I start to, and immediately he is defending, blaming, insulting, interrupting, etc. It’s always a strain, but good to know I’m not nuts. He’s still the same old narc.

[@kimsikorski5691]

Unfortunately sounds so familiar

[@r2theikki]

"I'll unblock him just in case of an emergency! Yeah, that's an adult ok? If he has an emergency, he can call the police. He doesn't need you for emergencies. You're not his mum, kay? BLOCK him, and move on with your life." Wow, I LOVE this guy! Great use of whiteboard as many of us are visual learners. I gained a deeper understanding of the whole topic because of that. So glad I found this channel, thanks Richard!

[@brookiebakerie]

Yeah, but what if they're your mom? 😡 I'm so done with her.

[@MGlow19]

OMGGGGGGGGG my ex narc stormed out one morning after I denied him something he wanted that hurt his ego, he ended up blocking me on everything abrutly for a few days then unblocked me, texted and said he unblocked me “incase of an emergency” and I needed him. You’re message made it click differently that wow, how grandiose to think hes the hero.

[@johnwirk]

I will say this, I still have my ex on messanger, but I never respond to her. Even after almost 3 years of separation and living in another state she still messages me and calls me names, says how big of a mistake I made for leaving, asks "how could I do this to her?". I keep my friends close, and my enemies closer. That psycho will tell me what she is going to do before she does it because she is so emotionally driven to chaos she exposes herself. So if the day comes she nakes plans of "vengence", I will know of it. Sometimes completely blocking is not wise unless you absolutely have no control over your own decisions to avoid the "Narc".

[@ohemgee4359]

You’re not his Mum. Unless of course, you are.

[@cynthiawalker5620]

What if you ARE her mum 😣

[@desireecrossing]

Going no contact in these situations is hard in the very beginning, but SO freeing and completely worth it! ‘Block him and move on with your life.” 👏 Stop letting these people suck the life and happiness out of you.

[@annmarie6870]

Looking back I’ve always been emerged in so much drama it’s what I crave so knowing this I’m really trying to stay away from it

[@annmarie6870]

I’ve just been trying the no drama thing and it seems to be working for me lol! Just went on a job interview that I enjoyed and I was able then to get out of self it was nice.

[@corysmith3447]

I would love to get paid by suckers who buy into narccsists telling other people how to deal with so called narcsists lol

[@corysmith3447]

prof sam vakhim says 95% of psycohlists are narcscists getting narccistic suppy from the power they feel telling others how people are lol

[@desireecrossing]

@@corysmith3447 that wouldn’t surprise me at all, but it doesn’t mean that he’s wrong

[@KleeKaiBreeders]

I went no contact in March 2022 and have kept no contact. There’s been up and downs and all-arounds emotionally but my life has improved greatly. I bought a hobby farm, my true passion, I have two cows, a donkey, greenhouses and so much more. I don’t miss my old life w those narcs. I do feel haunted at times still by the old painful memories but I’ll take that and working through that over actually living w narcs on a daily basis. Narcs in my opinion are demonic and will destroy you. It’s a blessing to have escaped and an honor to have my new farm life walking daily w Mother Nature and the Divine. Much love and light sent to all good kind loving souls❤

[@fibanocci314]

Good for you! I hope your farm continues to prosper!

[@jamescrowe8126]

Everybody needs to read your story. Thanks for sharing this. I did it in the past and it worked.

[@karinaevans9832]

I’ve been looking up videos to understand why my head is spinning over my 7 year relationship that I ended and said he had to move out in a month. Things have been exactly as you described. This has been one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I’ve ever been on. Thank you so much for confirming what my intuition has been trying to tell me. I didn’t understand there was a vulnerable type and so now it makes so much sense. This really helps me. Thank you so much for making this video. Life changing for me.

[@blacklea20]

“Leveraging your good nature against you” . . . with a pinch of using your stupidity against you also. Be smarter and be aware everyone. Don’t let them back in.

[@zakiyyaabubakar1613]

OMG thissss he's always doing this to me. Takes advantage of my trusting good nature and uses it against me 😳

[@kimberleyj.richardson5945]

Goes for family members too.

[@annehynynen8153]

It's not always your stupidity, though. It's your humanity and all your normal human feelings that you have. It's hormones - dopamine is a big one in trauma bonding etc. All these things and others I don't even mention here makes them, of course, think that you are stupid and therefore, in their minds, you deserve to be treated like garbage. Typically people grow and learn in these relationships and finally they leave these crazy-makers - if they have a chance. Victims/survivors don't afford to be stupid. And I agree: Never let them back in.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

The sad part is realizing that he didn't find you attractive because of your personality or because he thought you had "so much in common:" it was when I mentioned that I had my own home, that my children were older (and soon to move out, presumably), that I worked all the time, that I seemed forgiving. In short, I was a con-man's mark. Not a potential life partner. Just a mark.

[@msdemeanour]

@@Hawaiiansky11 Same. I have my own home, no kids & no drama. He brought so much shit into my life. No more! Zero contact forever.

[@taurus1305965]

I'm 55 and I've been in relationship with three covert narcissist women. Two of them were my girlfriends and the third one was my mother. I agree that "no contact" is the only way that makes a healing process possible.

[@jaktam8765]

You can see your own pattern?

[@pautee]

Sympatico...my mother too!! This fellas great!

[@MrProducenten]

No contact gets Hard when its a kid in The picture thou :(

[@auroraveneziacarlislemakea8186]

What's it like when they're your own mum?

[@sueroberts6193]

Good people are out there, never give up. 😍

[@jensbasement3862]

This is why it feels so wrong to leave them, its akin to abandoning the part of your soul that wants to help others because of the pity. All the sob stories are really just filler to stall you of your discovery of them. Goes to show that playing victim doesn't make you a nice person

[@gatheringmoss5726]

"filler to stall your discovery of them." That's a great way to put it!

[@samanthapowers7341]

Jen's Basement omg..so true!

[@bethflynn4278]

Absolutely true and was what kept me stuck for 36 years. I got out and moved 1500 miles away. He keeps telling my son that he is going to win me back but his siblings story no longer has any effect on me!

[@RedroomStudios]

omg... I cant stand the victim mentality! un every situation, even when they are shitting on you and blaming you for something you didnt do they are the victim!

[@grungestoryteller]

You can't help them. Not possible

[@Retreat_Hell]

My comment may be 3 years later, and the bottom of 10,000 comments, but I wanted to thank you because this video is exactly when I needed today. I just hope that you get to read it because today you've earned complete gratitude from this Empath. Thank you

[@marlenr8691]

“You feel sorry for them”... I wish I’d known these people existed. Anyway, I’m taking my life back now. And healing the old wounds.

[@theabeam]

Richard Grannon, I've wondered lately if these folks might be the cause of their victims ending up with Alzheimer's or an autoimmune disease. If the "victim" is never made aware of the "crazy-making," never at some point says WTF like I did and started reading and educating myself, are they cursed if they can't remove themselves or don't even know they need to? I have blocked/distanced myself from folks I don't have to be around, but right now I feel stuck having to help with my 99-year-old covert narcissist mother whose "mind is fine" as far as normal day-to-day functioning is concerned. The covert narcissist is just as she always has been with controlling & manipulating. I'm feeling like any day I'm going to "blow." Either my mind, my heart, or any other function within my body might just shut down or start attacking itself. IS THERE OR HAS ANY STUDY BEEN DONE TO CORRELATE COVERT NARCISSISM AND THE VICTIM'S MENTAL OR PHYSICAL BREAKDOWN???

[@1RPJacob]

You feel sorry when they abuse you

[@mic55y]

@@theabeam Extreme stress (emotional, psychological, physiological, social) is one of the main causes of autoimmune and neurodegenerative diseases, (Alzheimer included) and many other metabolic diseases. +From my observations, victims of long-term narcissistic abuse, have many health problems mentioned above, surely more than "normal" population. I really don't know any long term victim of narc abuse without serious health problems.

[@maretijewel1470]

@@theabeam I 've had serious autoimmune disease diagnosed 20 y now.. Started in my teens, was getting better since I made my own choice in my surgeon and therapy (turned to holistic treatments) changed diet and processed grief from my n mother' s prolonged abuse.. All the people with autoimmune issues I know of had problems at home. The last (and only) good doctor I had, pointed out my disease is purely caused by psychological strain...

[@diannewilson4049]

@@theabeam complex post-traumatic stress disorder

[@maevemaiden]

The bullying. The belittling. It’s relentless. I’m finally moving past it. It is such a struggle and process. It’s like quicksand they suck you in and it’s definitely a trap.

[@firemelon7296]

Good job, you!

[@starseedgem4278]

Divorced 4 years, still not fully healed 😒

[@BrianRenardDavis]

Hey Keep Going

[@jimbo7551]

someone in the family

[@MissTotos]

Any tips? It's been so long and I can't bring myself to trust again.

[@lindajeanschaffers3673]

I hope that young people are taught these personality types in order to make decisions about relationships . I have been abused emotionally , mentally and physically by a covert narcissist and only learning now what has happened in my life. I am 70 years old , angry and unhappy and cannot get rid of this man that I now hate . Please don’t let it happen to you. Get out the minute you realize he or she had narcissistic personality disorder or you will go on an emotional roller coaster and damage yourself while they live a happy fulfilled life while sucking out the essence of yours .

[@UberUhf]

Linda Jean Schaffers thanks for the advice.

[@lisaannamatulli3219]

I love the no contact. Just hit BLOCK on your cell phone. It's so easy and gives them a taste of how Intelligent you really ARE.

[@sueroberts6193]

I hope and pray your situation changes so you can be free of this man. Take care. 💐

[@Ayawahamin]

If for some reason you have to be around this abusive person, as my therapist has said - it's important to fill your life with activities that mean something to you, for you. Be kind to yourself. Invest in interests and hobbies and self loving actions EVERY DAY. Even if that's just going for a walk in nature, or having a nice cup of coffee out, or planting a flower pot. Just whatever makes YOU feel good. We need this, to help restore ourselves and to fill back up our own pot. We can. These ass*oles rob your heart and mind blind - and if you cannot get away at this time, fill your own cup every day in any ways you can. Because showing yourself love, it'll help make you stronger and eventually less vulnerable to darts and arrows when we remember that everyone deserves to live with love and respect. Not abuse that doesn't treat your heart and mind with respect. I wish you much love and I lend you some of mine, until you can grow ever more BEAUTIFUL things just for you. 🌿💕🌞✨🙏

[@tturing5698]

Thanks for sharing your life experience so we can learn and not end up where you ended up

[@giddyup1018]

I've been friends with someone for a bit over 8 years. Four years ago, I started seeing a shift in our friendship. Two years ago, there were bigger changes in the sense of her periodically insulting, demeaning or embarrassing me. I finally figured out her pattern - gifts, compliments, insults, apologies and on and on. I stopped chatting online with her about 6 months ago. The hard part is that she boards her horse at the same farm where I board mine. She noticed my aloofness and wrote to me, apologizing for "whatever she had said or done...or didn't say". Her horse has had some lameness and she included that she was thinking of putting her down. I also knew that was a manipulation. I took two days to think about and compose a long email, totally calling her out about the patterns and manipulations. I even equated her behavior to my ex-husband. I told her I didn't deserve it and wouldn't put up with it. I did say I'd be civil if I saw her at the farm but that was it. Apologies and hugs would no longer work. She's been totally avoiding me which is the most I could ask for. This video totally pegged who she is.

[@jimmyjack7030]

The bully/victim narracist. You just explained the context of the book "the sociopath next door". They seek out pity then exploit you. 100% correct.

[@vanessasouthern1792]

I'm walking away after 44 years. Barely making it out alive. I'm on my knees. ADVICE: RUN. Run away and NEVER LOOK BACK.... while you still can... before you are so disabled by it and confused that you are trapped forever. Trust me 🙏

[@patiencefullerton6250]

Sending you prayers & peace 💌

[@Exiria]

:( this made me cry

[@sagradoish]

🙁😢😭😭😭

[@Ayawahamin]

I'm so glad you're choosing YOU now 🔥🙌♥️🌿💕🌞 It's never too late to choose yourself. I can relate. I've just left my husband after knowing him for 10 years. Before him I'd already spent 19 split between two other narcissists. One grandiose, one I can now understand was half grandiose half covert. I did NOT understand until I'm seeing this video just why my fragile covert husband was able to hurt me so successfully. I get it now. I'm SICK to realise I've now spent nearly 30 years in these similar hell's and it cost me material things and so much more, again! But, I hope that you too will not shame yourself for having had such a big heart that you put theirs ahead of your heart and mind. I did it too. But we've made it! We are OUT, and that's HUGE!!! Congratulations friend. This is the beginning of your journey in giving yourself, everything they PRETENDED to give to you. Be well and I am rooting for you. There is no shame here, only learning. 🌞💕🌿🙌🔥😄

[@stellastempletarot]

It's so easily done Vanessa my longest stint was 14 years and if I hadn't woke up and got out I would have been a shadow by now. Enjoy your freedom x

[@Lolatheiyatola]

No contact (NM) going on 8 years. The single best decision I have ever made.

[@a.a.c2171]

Same here!

[@sylvievachon1020]

You are hilarious and to the point I love it. I've been telling my girlfriend this all the time about the blocking. Don't go look at the messages in the block center. Cause I know, I've been there and the first few days are hard but best thing I've ever done and yet they do this while I'm just telling him to leave me alone to stop contacting me. I know, but you've done it 5 times already. Like you're just reopening the gate all the time and he knows it

[@melpannack8245]

OMG, after 8 years after divorce, I've just realised why I felt I was constantly in a battle between guilt and pity in my past marriage. I felt I was manipulated all the time by a hyper moody bastard.

[@kmlm13]

The fog and confusion and self doubt that lifts after leaving that kind of relationship was nuts.

[@paulclinton6414]

They pull you into their nightmare. It takes awhile to fully wake up.

[@doesitmatter9022]

Truth.

[@abseiduk]

What if they're family. And will and property is involved? I think I have lot go of everything for my own health.

[@fussballnot]

Abseiduk That makes it harder to leave, but you must. The material things they promise you'll inherit are a huge hold they have over you. A covert narcissist will rob you of your entire sense of self, your livelihood, your potential in this world. Don't hang around waiting to be rescued by an inheritance.

[@abseiduk]

@@fussballnot Everything is true what you say, but I find it difficult for my inner self to accept this truth. It's like always forgetting the same thing. Thank you for the reminder.

[@stepheng618]

This is bang on. The sob story can take many forms. Pretending to be sick or exhausted was one my ex did a lot, before I knew it I was up doing everything around the house for weeks. Eventually I crashed out genuinely exhausted and I then got hit with a big rant from her about how selfish I was and it was rude because her dad was over. There's also the silent treatments and passive aggression cheating and then the inevitable discard. I figured it out via videos like this and been no contact since November.

[@gordonsmom3861]

It's very sad how they take our kindness and mistake it for weakness, and then suck the life right out of us.

[@joeabbatiello6226]

Right on the money Stephen Garrod I'm only a few days out since the psychotic discard complete with a made up story about fearing for her safety statement to detective who came back that night around 1:30 am and locked me up. She was in Florida and cheating so I had to go before new gUY comes around. The love bombing gets us all over and over. Best to you and remember you are now insane and you have value. Peace all

[@diamondgirl7997]

I have also been no contact since November. However, he tried wriggling his way back in with this Coronavirus. He would like to think I'm afraid of being alone during this. I'm not. I'm relaxing in peacefulness. No more of his BS is such a good thing. I didn't realize the weight of his sickness until I found freedom!

[@ama230]

Stay single. Two people involves two seperate people trying to share two different goals. It was never ment to work in the long run. We all change and can not expect others to be in sync. That would be selfish and controlling. Glad you were able to step away as they label you as a quitter or you did not try hard enough. Thank you for sharing your own observations and perspective.

[@ElenaCiampaMusic]

Lauren Ann what a relief to recognize the immense peace finally in the narc’s absence. No need for his trouble, *especially* during the pandemic! (Which plague is more difficult truly, the covid or the presence of a narc in the home?!)

[@Niki89ful]

I have watched this 10 times. It keeps me on track. Thanks Richard!

[@gringbot]

Ok, now imagine an entire family of these types. That's what I grew up with.

[@gracegwozdz8185]

Yeah....I can imagine. I lived my entire life with those creatures in human form. Vulnerable narc mom, malignant sister, pedophile brother.

[@lorrainegibson9921]

Me too. It takes some working through and lots of pain....Still trying to sort myself out

[@thinkfree2258]

Thank you both for not turning into murderous, hateful, race or mass shooting sociopaths. Seriously. Keep up the good self-healing.

[@monicasoyombo3360]

Oh my goodness...im so sorry.

[@Wulfbloode]

Just a bunch of sad lonely people making sad lonely people, broken people breaking people so that they don't have to be broken alone, and hating anyone who dares to be or pursue otherwise, they are

[@jessicaquin7597]

“The things they did when they were mean, that’s who they are” so important to learn to see reality. You can love and have compassion for these individuals from a distance, not by becoming their cyclical emotional punshing bag.

[@heltristan]

YES ... the cycle ... I kept calling it the rollercoaster , the crazy train ... don't miss the madness !

[@princhipessa1969]

Yes. Exactly. I was her punching bag when it’s her parents she should be abusing not me . They traumatized her not me. I was loving.

[@Star-333]

"The things they did when they were mean, that's who they are". Yes, yes, yes! We don't want to believe it when we see it, but for our own mental health we need to. For many of us, we have gone through abuse before. This is not our first rodeo. A forward thinking approach? Don't give someone a second chance to abuse you. As Maya Angelou once said when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[@heltristan]

@@Star-333 sometimes the abused become the abusive 😥

[@mammadingo9165]

@@princhipessa1969 it's her inner child she should have been nurturing blaming parents doesn't help

[@janineparker3041]

My husband (8 years) and I spent the whole weekend planting flowers and vegetables and enjoying each other's company. So nice after a 22 year marriage to a covert, walking on eggshells and just wanting to die.

[@oscarwilliamson6163]

Janine Parker,You deserve better

[@Private24560]

Same type of thing here... I'm like wtf?!?

[@realliving7340]

Congratulations on true love. You give me hope🥰

[@sp3g56]

Wow sounds like a dream. So happy for you.

[@michaeldover3323]

This explanation has given me clarity on the situation i was in, In a relationship with a covert narcissist, I'm pleased i only wasted 4 years, felt like 20' nearly finished me off at one point, crazy, but that explanation has helped me immensely, the penny has finally dropped, i left a month ago" went 100% no contact, its the only way"I'm lucky there's no children involved' i know its early days but ive never felt this much peace and calmness in my life, i would rather take a kicking off 10 Rugby players opposed to the mental torture and abuse i injured from a size 8 fragile lady' i didnt even no what a narcissist was till a couple of months ago, by God i do now " Biggest eye opener of my life, Thankyou so much 😇

[@AmandabellaDay]

The things you get when they’re being mean... THAT’S the real person you’re dealing with. So sad.

[@Rage-_-Quit]

There is no real person, that's why no matter what, you can never win. You're interacting with a persona that doesn't actually exist, not with a real person.

[@boogie0413]

And it’s absolutely terrifying how mean and horrible they can be. Mine actually pushed me to attempt suicide...and then discarded me like I never existed.

[@greendrummers]

Dear, isn’t that applicable to everybody who at times will be mean? We have to look into ourselves and stop labelling people, correct our own behaviour and not accept manipulation from others because we will respect and be true to ourselves?

[@elaineclewley4704]

@@greendrummers its because we are decent people and dont expect that type of person to dupe us

[@LoveFaithLive]

@@greendrummers Too often easier said than done. Especially if someone in power over your job for example i.e. your boss.

[@a_womans_intuition7195]

A lot of narcissistic relationships went married into quarantine and they might come out single at the end of it. This channel is gold

[@yannwhite8615]

Man they gone be crazy when they finish with the Narc My mom and my ex is a narc

[@callisacarson3955]

Yeap I left my narc (hub) a week ago😂

[@alyssakalonji6849]

Lmaoooooo

[@chelseylynnelbcccommunicat9186]

Five weeks. I never want to see him again. He is dead to me. 15 years..

[@janisgaines5330]

Didn’t get married, but yep, majorly discarded after just a month. I had given up my job, my house, and most of my furniture to move in with him.

[@emedwards7508]

You know you’re healing when you cringe and have a little chuckle to yourself about how you fell for a covert and continued for months/years to feel sorry for them and question my own sanity for being ignored/fell for stories about childhood trauma. I watch these videos to remind me why I’m on the right path 💪

[@lyrhichjones1737]

Yes! Amen

[@frankd.brennan6520]

Amen

[@tamaraelo8253]

Amen

[@valerieallison2609]

Me too!

[@SherryONeill]

Me Too🙏

[@SherryMelancon]

I call the sob story "The Litany of Despair." It's a litany that lays out why nothing is their fault and all the things they don't have and that they have not accomplished are because of the active interference of those around them. But make no mistake, when you aren't the one they are telling the litany to, you are the one they are telling the litany about.

[@joc1528]

True words 👏

[@Seccsi]

This is exactly correct

[@katc.9747]

“The things that they did when they were MEAN - That’s who that person is.” 😞 It’s the most daunting thing I’ve heard and it’s heartbreaking.

[@pierrettebrousseau282]

And the fact that they can be mean to people they supposedly love as easily as they can breathe. A truly whole and healed person is NEVER mean or cruel to anybody.

[@robertdemeter5793]

It is Vital to not take anything ' personal ' with them, as nobody is inside them in the first place. Narcissists don’t know how to love; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissists value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. Loads of them brag about being a good parent and seek compliments for that only to hide their masks... When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing... They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have close personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain.. .. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection., . And, Moreover, if you think They are the one that 'made' you feel then you're still under their control/spell, you're still wrapped up in their neverending inner delusions/dar-kness, and you learned nothing. Truth is, you were loving YOURSELF the entire time you were interacting with them as they were doing nothing more than mirroring you, as there is nobody inside them in the first place, therefore there was nobody for you to love but yourself (as they themselves are incapable of true empathy/love). Stating that they made you feel is like saying an empty robot made you feel, or an empty soda can made you feel. And in the same way it's completely ridiculous to think a Narc made you feel anything...As they were doing nothing more than mirroring you in the beginning. Based on a lie and you cannot truly feel for lies. They are completely incapable of processing their emotions, they don't know how to. And that is why when you state that you love them they greatly resent it, they turn you into an enemy and play their games. Because inside they ask themselves- " how can you possibly love this ? ' Unless you get over these massive hurdles and understand the bigger picture of Universal spiritual truths in your relationships then you will never be the truly empathic powerful loving spirit being you truly are to love the world/heal the world. .. Much love !..

[@nadineelizabeth195]

Omg that just made me feel sick reading this ;(

[@debbier9555]

@@pierrettebrousseau282 A clinical narcissist does NOT have the ability to truly love. They are a void always running to acquire dopamine to try and feel alive. Sad but very harmful personalities.

[@susanhartline7539]

And that includes your mother..😢

[@breannaneville4332]

"If they have an emergency, they can call the police" I LOVE THAT, takes away guilt about not being there if "something" happened

[@risingeagle6332]

My NeX called the police all the time and constantly to manipulate me. Proved to be a nightmare for a very ling time for me, as I was being groomed to tolerate her behavior. Men married to a female narcissist are clearly in a situation where they are dealing with a serious albatross (Egregious and debilitating) disadvantage. i lived as a man in a NIGHTMARE world controlled by “Alice”; Alice In Wonderland Nightmare World as a man with no way out. SUCKED!!!!!!😳🥺😱

[@5tad]

This is BRILLIANT!!! OMG-

[@jaybae7315]

Yup! Especially when dealing with an elder.

[@davidjthayer7417]

Yes I had a narc call the cops on me. A bit of back story ......... My daughter was killed in Houston 9/10/2017 Tiffany Nicole Allen. I found the cell phone I had bought her and after the funeral I began the homicide investigation. This thing ( female narc ) became jealous of my dedication to solving my daughters murder and decided she was going to leave, I told her no problem just don't take anything that doesn't belong to you and leave the key under the mat The morning of 11/28/2017 I was up early as always and the phone wasn't on my desk, I woke her up and demanded the phone. She was laughing, her eyes went black, I knew I was dealing with a demon. She backed into the sofa, basically unexpectedly sat herself down !!! She then called the cops saying I pushed and hit her !!! Neither were true !!!!! I thank God the responding officer had the discernment to recognize her dishonesty !!!!! That thing ( female narc ) is a vile henious reprehensible REPROBATE Evil and rotten to the core !!!!!!!!

[@Diana5513]

YES. My ex and I got into a big argument and he threw my things all over the apartment so I got scared and left with my dog to my relative's place. After I left, he continuously called and texted me. I woke up with 42 missed calls and numerous texts saying that he was going to be gone and that was the last time he'd be seen. Then he sent me pictures of himself CRYING. I contacted his brother because I was worried he was going to harm himself, or worse, but when I told him that I had reached out to his brother (since I was staying at a relative's), he got angry at me! I ended up going back to the apartment, found out during the night of the blowup, he had downloaded tinder 😂I still stayed with him for another 3 months, mostly because I felt bad that he didn't make much money and had "no family or friends" who'd let him stay with them (complete lie). I had emotionally left him a long time beforehand and had luckily. and at first, secretly, found a place to move into on my own. It's so much harder to escape when you live with them.

[@jndvs95]

Word of advice to all y'all out there in the dating stage with a narcissist. Don't have kids with them. Run from them before it's too late

[@jennifert2002]

3 kids with one, its living hell.

[@faithlyngrace2517]

@@jennifert2002 it is absolute hell ❤

[@crisscateyes]

Too late

[@LidiaGonzalez-ne8uy]

I don’t have kids we’re on that stage now where he ruin a party drunk saying he doesn’t want to be with me in so many years more to my family

[@crisscateyes]

@@LidiaGonzalez-ne8uy And later he's gonna come and say "don't pay attention to any of that I was drunk" 😒 Drunk people don't hold back on saying what they feel.

[@mandimogridge3476]

Thank you! Finally I have found you. I have never found anyone who explained covert narcissists so well. I am now convinced I wasn’t going mad after all. This is so true of their character 😊

[@autumnkate280]

"The things that they did when they were mean, that's who that person is" That realisation is the antidote to the confusion/cognitive dissonance. Even though trauma bonding is involved, which is a chemical addiction, I also agree with the "get your big girl/boy panties on take. The amount of months and then years I wasted in cognitive dissonance because I wanted to experience the "good parts" again was ridiculous. In the same way that any addiction needs an intervention, so does our addiction to the narcissist. I know that if I'd had someone of RG's mentality coaching me through the devalues and discards I'd wouldn't have stayed beyond the first year. Luckily it was only three and a half years in total, it could be worse. My boundaries are now impeccable - zero tolerance for any nonsense basically. If it looks confusing: leave; if your instincts are firing away: leave and if it's anything less than a health, adult interaction: leave.

[@NotWhoYouThinkThisBe]

Absolutely. What helps is no longer caring if ppl think you're a bitch. If someone tries to guilt you, LET them think that you are a heartless jerk so they leave you alone! Most times, the ppl who actually matter will not think that you're ignoring a (toxic) person just to be spiteful. They will see the difference and admire you for not taking shit.

[@stevet9938]

Great post Kate I can totally relate to everything you said and even the time frame is similar for our relationships.

[@veronicamoo6380]

Beautifully said ! 🙌 Its not easy or fun being in a relationship like that . I know ! And I'm sorry for the times I'm sure you experienced within those relationships. But I'm a believer in everything happens for a reason. And God does it for the good. And just hearing what you wrote , I'd say it was a blessing. You're so much more aware , and strong 🙏🙌 stay kind through it all ..

[@heltristan]

Amen ! Solid boundaries , block & delete .. period !

[@heltristan]

@@NotWhoYouThinkThisBe FK YES ! The guilting , the sob stories ... FFKS !

[@alicebreslauer93]

Every morning when I woke up, my first thought was I can’t do this anymore… and then one day I listened to myself. 6 months of “sobriety” feels AWESOME!!

[@myillumination5054]

It’s not an easy road but worthwhile one. Congratulations!

[@katjongeward7155]

to stay to go? all day I change my mind 100 times. he's not so bad. I'll die if I stay. he's not so bad, I'm exagerating, if I leave everyone will say I'm nuts! if I stay I will die on and on and on and on and on ....

[@samryon3615]

@@katjongeward7155 i relate. I finally left. Sure people talked shit about me leaving such 'a wonderful man'. They dont know, dont have a clue. I have been where you are, i have thought about ending my life because of the 'games'. I got into therapy. I love myself and i am glad i am alone now.

[@RunningRlust96]

I say that all the time:(

[@katjongeward7155]

@@samryon3615 yup. same. thanks!!!!

[@goldilocks3593]

So bang on. A true covert literally oozes “pity me” energy. It is like a magnet for an empath. Oh boy someone to fix!! 😂😂 yeah - no. That will be a HUGE red flag going forward.

[@johnwirk]

I cant speak for all but alot of empaths have already got issues OURSELVES and we lower our expectations a bit, swoop in on someone who is "economically equal" to us or worse, and think we will rise from the ashes together......pffft....just like a moth to a bug zapper we are....and we end with the proverbial "pstzzzzzzzzzzzzta PAP" Lesson learned I guess

[@penyarol83]

@@johnwirk great imagery lol

[@joey3rony]

Yes! Once you figured them out, run! Don't go slow, don't walk, RUN! The thing about being an empath, I saw him an his damaged self, next time he crosses my way (which will not happen from my part) I am going to fucking break him. No supply from me anymore