“Cool-Girl-ism,” Magical Thinking and Limerence Keep You ALONE

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

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[@monongahelacats]

If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him.

[@MissSothePeacefulObserver]

I could relate to her letter so much. I developed heavy feelings for a male friend years ago, and we chatted almost every night. I kept hoping he'd feel the same way about me one day. Then he got cancer and passed away, unfortunately. (He was my best friend) I was devastated, not just due to losing him, but for all the years I pined over yet another person who would never feel the same way about me. We lose so much time over this (years, decades) and it's embarrassing to realize how much, eventually. I was so supportive of my friend, but didn't get the same level in return. So after he died, I became more of a hermit, but then developed more limerence episodes over new folks I met online. It's become easier to stay in the fantasy world, then risk rejection in the real world. I'm hoping to change that in 2025 as I recognize more of these issues in myself. I just wish it hadn't taken me so many years to do so.

[@postandghost9391]

Dont wait until 2025 to change yourself, you started changing yourself the moment you posted this comment.

[@FoundSheep-AN]

Stop chatting with stranger men online Only chat with women or male blood related family members. If a man wants to see you and chat with you, he has to take you out in a nice date and declare his intentions before the date (is it a date? Are you only interested in friendship? Etc)

[@Gentilejedi]

There is someone special for you. Keep true to yourself, you are a prize.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@cindyc]

She's anxious preoccupied and also limerant. If you are healed, you will be attracted to those who are more securely attached themselves. She has allowed herself to be used as his emotional crutch, only when he desires.

[@prettywoman853]

Might be some limerence there too. The guy very clearly on a few different occasions stated that he did not want a relationship with the letter author, but she still calls this “the best relationship of her life”. That is very sad that someone rejecting you is your best relationship. It doesn’t look like you are healed. I wish you peace and happiness.

[@charmedprince]

Did our homegirl just become a free therapist for golden boy? 👀

[@fiction589]

I love this advise. It is soooo hard to become really available to love, and let go of all the relationship avoiders. Especially when your parents were avoiding intimacy big time. You are used to being neglected and ignored, since that was always your normal reality. But it is worth to fight that perception. ❤

[@BrodieChree]

Chappell Roan’s “Casual” nailed this: And I try to be the chill girl that Holds her tongue and gives you space I try to be the chill girl but Honestly, I’m not

[@buddyneher9359]

12:28 "Reality is our friend. Reality is where we heal; reality is where we solve our problems" 15:30 "You can un-make that choice, and set yourself free from this belief that you have to change other people to get love." ( "...they're not going to change, and you're not going to get love. ...the path to true love is *out* of this crap-fit relationship.")

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

IMO the love of your life... should be love... FOR YOURSELF!!

[@AlienZizi]

im starting to hate the phrase "hold space". 😂

[@juanitamayes6329]

It's codependency more often than not.

[@georockstar09]

Had a similar crush on an older guy way back when I was an undergrad who also didn't reciprocate my feelings, but we'd spend hours together. Luckily HE was MY first therapist. I'll be forever grateful to him. He was just doing it out of the goodness of his heart, and recognized boundaries in our friendship that I myself wanted to ignore. What an awesome dude! I guess my point is, be an older mentor for a younger friend ONLY if it is out of the goodness of your heart (no romantic interest). Both for yourself and for them.

[@assianeu197]

Im glad to see this story it helps me evaluate myself. I know that Im still insecurely attached but I never entertain my delusions more than 6 weeks. There's always something that happens ( like an inconstancy in communication or other painful red flags) that I allow to slap me back into reality. I use pain and discomfort to escape my escapist delusion. I hate to feel pain so whenever I don't get something close to my fairytale I remove myself to the situation now. I still don't know how to withhold my quick attachment yet from the beginning, but I know to brutally pull the switch. It's not that Im better or suffer less intensely but I do suffer less longer and that to me is a micro but also huge victory

[@sabrinaszabo9355]

I am the love of my life and cultivate love, and cannot tolerate poor behavior because I will not self aBandon. However, it is natural to want to share your cup with somebody having a full cup. I have been very good at declining, because I cannot find a healthy partner that is introspective. And I will not get in to unconscious attachment games. do not ignore your intuition because you will pay the price, if you’re not going to pay the price at the moment for what you don’t want to do, you will pay the price later of the worst case scenario, I did not only did I suffer through my intuition is screaming discomfort with emotionally unavailable men, but then I suffered being blindsided and discarded, which I could’ve avoided in the first place. Quite honestly on the first date. Choosing by choice or the hard way is the choice. Unfortunately. Until you learn the lesson, the universe will keep testing you and you will end up in the same pattern or loop until you make a new choice. When you make a new choice you get a new Perspective.

[@BeFree-J9]

Yes! Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been thinking just the other day that the amount I put into others should be invested in myself. I shouldn't short myself of all the love I have. Think how much better I'd be with MY love to ME! I'm finally learning this concept. ❤❤

[@lilithowl]

Yessssss!

[@BeFree-J9]

​@@lilithowlI mean, others haven't appreciated all the things that I've done for them but I sure will!! So why am I putting in for people who will just hurt my feelings and make me feel stupid for?! I need to put all that I'd give someone else, into MYSELF! I KNOW I'D appreciate myself if it was reversed so why do I keep pouring into feeling pain when I can feel appreciated and loved by a source I can depend on....ME!!!! I'm finally finally understanding this self love thing I think!!! Whoohooo!!! So tomorrow for Thanksgiving (it'll just be me and my 2 cats), I think I'm going to celebrate feeling thankful for realizing all this today and thankful for ME!!!! 🎉😊 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! ✨

[@DoReMeaCulpa]

One more thought: she may have been seeing his potential rather than his reality. And, the "earned secure " thing means nothing without being able to live it in real time. Her subconscious comfort zone has possibly not yet caught up, hence still being attracted the DAs.

[@janeyrevanescence12]

I'm honestly amazed my late fiancé and I managed to make our relationship work, especially after he started suffering from mental health issues and I was dealing with my own CPTSD. But I recognize we were the zebras in Texas.

[@FaithPhoto33]

Sorry for your loss, so glad you had what you did. My past is similar but I had to go No Contact because of severity. I had to show my own girls that this confusion and yelling was not a Normal Relationship. Sad, but had 11 good years

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

12 step groups work wonders too...

[@astrobioblogia7239]

She convinced herself she was secure so she would be willing to "securely" tolerate his bs. Step 1. Stop lying to yourself.

[@Alignmented1]

Go heal yourself girl, stay off guys for a while as you put yourself first for a change..💖 Geez if we loved ourselves a bit more, none of this would happen, such a sad video!.

[@clementina3350]

I've watched many of your videos to understand how to help my partner heal (how to "fix" them). Only to be cheated on and dumped. Now I'm discovering that your videos are very useful in helping me to heal myself! Who would have thought it's so much easier and better when you focus on yourself 😅

[@HeavenlyPresley-Tonya]

I am 58 I do not date anymore I CANNOT TRUST!!! my abuse started as a child abandoned age 10 Sibs were 9 & 6 We had no food but at school no electricity I remember being very scared and overwhelmed protecting my sibs!! I was so over protective if they went out to play as something would happen to them we had no food on weekends then I was gang R & Molested then 2 partners that severly abused me mentally and physically - one would R me - I just wanted to be loved so badly - I thought I deserved it all - I now have regressed memories of my childhood and had a breakdown not doing well at all but I just started therapy - like that little girl I am terrified of everthing that something will happen to me thus the memories coming back I am so excited about the therapy

[@thinlizzy9032]

Wishing you the best of luck on your healing journey ❤

[@debxonick]

I don't think I'm ever going to be okay with a relationship that doesn't happen with a four-legged creature. Humans have been letting me down for 6 decades. No thank you

[@stephaniedonatello6844]

❤sending you hugs😢❤ hope peace love and happiness to you❤you deserve good life❤

[@DJTheBlondeSpirit]

I became an avoidant in my 40s

[@MarissaMonroe-t8s]

??? Hey Anna, can you do a video on how to get through the Holidays, please? 🙏🦃💜 Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!

[@catspyjamas7944]

He’s just not that into you. His “attachment style” would probably be just fine with a woman he was crazy about. It’s hard to accept but if you want to be with a guy who is crazy about YOU stop chasing dead ends. He probably enjoys the attention but doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. But there’s a guy out there who is right for you, and will also fall in love with you.

[@maryluharmon3267]

Happy Thanksgiving, Anna! Thank you for your insightful videos!

[@Darkpheria]

Thanks so much for your work.❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@adventurekitchenchronnicles]

Your videos are so calming 🩵

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I think she should find one or more hobbies to fill the void ... Model Cars, Swimming and Playing my Guitar work for me...

[@lilithowl]

Very wise. "Don't just delete - replace!"

[@DoReMeaCulpa]

By the sounds of this, the letter writer was in the "Personal Development School", which purports to"heal" your attachment style. It also constantly tries to upsell to its members, who practically revere its founder. There are mostly very psychologically unhealthy people in that "school".

[@ritaweygint4038]

Just the title of this video and I recognized myself LOL! I think I’m the avoidant…

[@Emma-py8qe]

We’ve heard this letter before 🤔

[@AnamariaChira-v6t]

This letter was already analyzed, more than that, it was put in a 4-video compilation 10 days ago!

[@b.questor]

People do "read each other's eyes" to a significant degree, using subtle cues like pupil dilation, gaze direction, and eyelid movements to interpret emotions, interest, and intentions, essentially allowing us to understand someone's state of mind without words being spoken; this ability is considered a key part of non-verbal communication. Key points about reading eyes: Emotional interpretation: Different eye movements and expressions can signal emotions like happiness, sadness, anger, or nervousness. Level of engagement: Steady eye contact often indicates interest and attentiveness, while avoiding eye contact might signify discomfort or disinterest. Pupil dilation: When someone is attracted to something or someone, their pupils tend to dilate, which can be subconsciously picked up by others. Cultural variations: While some eye-reading cues are universal, cultural norms can influence how people interpret certain eye behaviors. - Research Labs AI

[@Healingpawsss]

That’s some nice advice! 💕

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@MMC30581]

I hate this pos kind of human. Using another to fill their emotional pockets. He’s trash.

[@rg7122]

Honestly! Wake up OP! His character is showing. He’s using you. Automatic non starter. If he really cared about you he’d let you off the hook! Selfish.

[@sierraG333]

Ohhhh the friend-zoning is the worst!!! Remove all access to you immediately!!! What a parasite!!!

[@gaylaaustin7468]

They never met in person?!?!?

[@ginnyangushall7354]

It seems atrange to me to hear a lit of pseudo 21:43 therapeutic lingo ("hold space", "attachment style") in a letter from a distressed viewer. It sounds like a way of trying to make the connection seem more important than it was. Of course this may not be true. I'm from Ohio, not California.

[@sushmitasutradhar4880]

I understand 😔

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Why I avoid relationships.. none of this "game playing ".

[@kaylee7518]

That’s just another swing of the pendulum in trauma responses, my friend.

[@violindalola]

​@@kaylee7518for some we will never find love. Theres no one for me. Too risky to fall for another abuser.

[@Channel89988]

why cause everytime I tried it never went nowhere I was the one sad. Or one guy ended up saying he only wanted instant gratification. I rather be alone.

[@violindalola]

@Channel89988 1000% I have yet to meet a guy that didnt just wanted to see how things go, doesnt want anything serious...

[@catspyjamas7944]

I don’t think he’s playing games. He’s being honest with her that he’s not interested in her romantically but she refuses to accept it.

[@laurieowen8696]

Cities? Countries...

[@anitacarswell3736]

This is an old video. Not sure why it is showing up as posted an hour ago when I watched it weeks ago. So disappointed.

[@FaithPhoto33]

Because I really really needed this and AI knew!😅 do u suggest a different video which you think is good?

[@ninaschafers200]

Yes, Dear, but the contentdd is timeless, especially if someone has trauma and is trying to heal & find understanding why this is a challenge for us.❤

[@lilithowl]

There may be all sorts of reasons for that. Fairy may have had to take the first one down and re-upload later, due to KZbin - it happens. I think we need to be careful complaining about a free product that we are given. Fairy has plenty of paid options, but also releases much content free. Many benefit from it. A re-uploaded video is not the end of the world when you put it in perspective.

[@beverleymacca4737]

I thought that but I think her reply to the letter is different

[@10outof10x]

Yes, I thought I was having major Deja vu!

[@josephbuckley1574]

The CONSTANT ad interruptions are disruptive and annoying. I can hardly sit through a presentation that is broken up by irrelevant commercials! NOBODY buys that stuff from seeing an annoying ad that is just an interruption - why bother???? There must be a better way to present this information without irrelevant advertising.

[@FaithPhoto33]

100% AGREED🤬

[@katizig]

It's well worth it to pay $13 for Premium. No ads.

[@lillianquispe7861]

Facts!

[@lilithowl]

There is. It's called a monthly subscription to KZbin Premium. Well worth it. I've not seen an ad on KZbin for years.

[@somer0703]

Anna gets revenue from advertising and so she should as she is giving out valuable content for free