Cristela Alonzo - Flying with a Jewish Boyfriend - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

Before they can go on a romantic getaway, Cristela Alonzo and her boyfriend have to make it through airport security.
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[@standup]

In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: kzbin.info/aero/PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ

[@jimbutler1189]

Comedy Central Stand-Up everyone hates your lame intros. Money in the toilet.

[@Protectobot]

Haters gonna hate

[@marnaynay585]

I knew that Ari was going to pop out when she was like, “I LOVE Jewish guys.” 😂😂

[@Bransonic]

love this series but i skip the intro religiously.

[@Sethclement96]

Bro I love these intros. Skipping them I mean.

[@tylercarter274]

Literrally this. I dont think ive ever finished an intro.

[@hayberdasher8625]

same

[@DjD808]

WORD.

[@ReaganRuinedEverything]

In the past I have always been against religion, but at this point, due to how many times I have seen and skip the intro over the past week, I can definitely say that if I have a religion, it has to do with skipping these pointless wasteofmoney intros lol

[@MadisonDiaz12]

I thought this was going to be sterotypical about him being Jewish but the fact that he was Jewish had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story.

[@Protectobot]

YEP!

[@honeybeejourney]

Yeah, me, too. That was a let-down.

[@tiahardy31715]

She looks like a Mexican Kelly Clarkson

[@thekingofmoney2000]

Mexican is a nationality, not a race.

[@smartaclesllama8677]

No she does not

[@ericaisabel3215]

I can’t unsee it😂😂😂

[@paz6351]

Yooooo 💀💀

[@brightsideimperfection9740]

*hispanic

[@lavablasst4008]

"Oh you brought the gun?" "Brown girl come here" 😂😂

[@Someguy7488]

We gonna talk about the fact they searched her instead of him tho? 💁🏾‍♂️☠️🤌🏾🧑🏾‍⚖️🙅🏾‍♂️

[@Kevs442]

Eh, I'm calling bullshit on that.

[@SonyFoLife]

Sad to hear Cristela say she's not pretty. IF YOU'RE READING THIS CRISTELA YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL :D (I put it in caps so it might catch her eye if she skims these)

[@cleverusernamenexttime2779]

She said "so pretty". At least 62 people need to pay attention better

[@JenAyyyyyBean]

She’s gorgeous! Inside and out 🥰

[@CasANova259]

AF

[@kristinesmart24]

This comment is so cute!

[@kylaarmstrong-benjamin5986]

That's what I said!! Um yeah you are! Who told you, you aren't pretty? Somebody lied to you!

[@TragoudistrosMPH]

1:38 When she sees his hand on the stripper pole "Spin, my dreidel, spin for me...😘"

[@graciekent9403]

I don't understand why people don't like this? It was really entertaining.

[@fenecofeneco19]

woman

[@noirling1]

Mexican woman.

[@imantisocial3179]

its cause she told a great story and dropped the punchline.

[@L.Reeves]

Because entertaining =/= funny. And this was barely entertaining.

[@nikolatovar9884]

@@L.Reeves So you have a poor sense of humor. Cool story.

[@FiliaLunae15]

Cristela is so beautiful!

[@srod6396]

So are you chula

[@love55ickbeat5]

I mean... she aight

[@Foxbody_dreams]

Every women in the world is beautiful, you don’t have to remind people

[@DreadlockWonder]

@@Foxbody_dreams (& everyone is special ☝🏾 don’t forget!)

[@Foxbody_dreams]

@@DreadlockWonder not really but whatever flows your boat

[@tlahuicolexiii2844]

I love her personality!

[@IndicacannaJones]

When are people going to realize that these aren't necessarily supposed to be funny? They're just supposed to be good stories, and since they're told by comics, they just might have a funny angle.

[@shlonk]

Yea I can't believe people are watching videos of comics on Comedy Central and expecting them to be funny...........................

[@IndicacannaJones]

AevzOfficial That's a great reply. Yeah, I mean there's no room for amusing or interesting within that framework. It must be primarily haha funny. They should call the show This Must Be Funny.

[@GoGoErrek]

That should be the tagline under the comedy central logo in the intro then: comedy central she ain't funny but she is 'colored'

[@digfire1]

i think she shouldn't have said the name of the series in her story

[@OtisOtisHH17]

GoGoErrek Lol that would be funnier than anything on CC right now. Kind of makes me want to see a series where Anthony Jeselnik watches This Is Not Happening and critiques it MST3K style.

[@jb17749]

She sounds like a huskier Demi Lovato.

[@L.Reeves]

I kinda get more of a danny devito vibe from her tho

[@lilacfunk]

She IS a huskier Demi Lovato.

[@jimgritty7064]

@@lilacfunk yes

[@giovannchavez]

She kinda look like bigger version of her

[@kashinimeyo]

She looks like a huskier Demi Lovato

[@nagisaichi3468]

I hear this type of comedy all the time at home. It's refreshing to hear it here.

[@Keithustus]

You’re right that this is at-home comedy. That’s also why so few people pay for tickets to see her perform.

[@nagisaichi3468]

@@Keithustus It's so much more funny if said in Spanish. Just saying.

[@gladimadeit]

idk what yall talking about Cristela is fucking hilarious! lmao reppin us down here in south Texas! 😄

[@thepjup4507]

actually yeah she is so pretty like damn

[@puffasaur1987]

Really? Lol nah

[@14Yoshi]

I wish it was a longer story. But I enjoyed it.

[@dawsonturner8321]

Soooo fucking solid, I hope too one day have a set this tight also first one too say this is not happening in my memory

[@ohyeahyeah7029]

Legend has it ari and her still smash to this day

[@aaedgar92]

Christela Alonzo... You are funny!!

[@JaneDoe-em7zi]

Go for it Ari, Lol!

[@mr.carmine5930]

1:14 this chick is wearing a gold calculator watch, my favorite watch. 🙌🏼

[@TrueNovemberXXXVI]

I feel you Cristela. I LOVE Jewish women.

[@HaploidCell]

Sam Kinoson has a bit where his girlfriend wants to get back at him for cheating. So she puts a 38 revolver in his carry-on. That's some hilariously expensive prank. But how many guns do you need to have in order to "forget" one in a random bag???

[@moarroz]

I know that one 😂😂😂 apparently wasn't as strict back then as he was able to tell the story afterwards lol

[@Kevs442]

Do you people know that comedians make up parts of or even entire stories for entertainment purposes?

[@josephsarracino1064]

Yo did they really let him on the plane after he tried to bring in a gun? Was he trying to hijack the plane? There are so many questions left after that story.

[@shibaraccoon8740]

Joseph Sarracino yeah no there isn’t.

[@alcruz5048]

Hes a cop and TSA over reacted

[@missundies]

If you don't listen to the whole thing then of course you're going to have a lot of questions.

[@nickgavis0305]

Lol bruh he’s a cop...pay attention, the video wasn’t even long

[@austinm8334]

nickgavis0305 I just can’t understand why he would stress that she can’t wear a belt but he was about to somehow bring a whole gun without that catching their attention? 😂

[@GGMCUKAGAIN]

She's SUPER CUTE!

[@melodylopez7068]

Girl is so funny and yes to the point !! 😆

[@rockinbobokkin7831]

She's hilarious

[@Corpsemunging]

She looks kind of like demi lovato

[@mariamail0303]

And she laughs like her !!

[@taylorgoetz7604]

demiGOD

[@wickkidda]

[comedian says the title of the show in their act] Ohhh, so that's why they call it that.

[@michaelsorrentino7409]

A GREAT LAUGH !!!

[@Protectobot]

Prob is if your pants are TOO BIG and you take off your belt and you have to hold up your pants lol

[@geinikan1kan]

Always found her super cute, and very funny.

[@williamweaver7251]

I bet Ari hit that.

[@jimgritty7064]

Eww lol

[@adamkatt]

@@jimgritty7064 why eww, she looks great to me.

[@jimgritty7064]

@@adamkatt Ari is gross.

[@cleverusernamenexttime2779]

I would

[@astridgalactic9336]

Ari would hit anything.

[@discman15]

Kept waiting for the punchline, I wish I had that 5 minutes back

[@mj44190]

It's not a joke, it's a story

[@Nobody-dp5xo]

So he was allowed to fly after they found a gun? Evan if he is a part time cop that is still odd to me....

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

Especially because he was off duty! Why the heck is he allowed to fly with a gun? He's not the Air Marshall!

[@roxanneworld11]

weird: because: why didn't he tell them *ahead of time* that he was a law enforcement officer?..because, even back in the day, the 70's and 80's, we had a relative who was a cop..and whenever we all traveled together as a family, one of my *clearest* kid memories is of him [quietly, of course] showing them his badge/letting the security people know that he was a police officer - and that he was carrying...and they always had him bypass the metal detector to avoid any issues [and let him keep his firearm....today in 2016?: i don't know what the rules or laws are about that - but at that time it was the policy..[plus, talk about totally free extra security for the airlines, lol! i'm sure they were happy to let police officers on board]..so i'm thinking: this so called cop had some serious love for drama - really sad, as well as obnoxious...and just smh.

[@ReaganRuinedEverything]

You're completely right, I was a soldier and I was informed that if I got my concealed carry, and spoke to the airport, I could even become a air marshal while on my flights, if I'm correct I can still do it but im nnot sure, I'm out now lol. But if you are active duty law enforcement or military you definitely can bring your weapons, and you definitely know that your best bet is to inform them on your own rather then letting them find out on their own. I mean either way you're going to get passed security, it's just one as a higher chance of you not being harassed or inconvenienced lol

[@mariafrancescavinci7196]

She mentions that he Is a part time cop (or so i understood) does this change things?

[@blahhhh581]

She's a delight!

[@HustlerGSUS]

good story

[@KLbSYNCHRONOUS]

I love Jewish men too!! Also Latinos equally, I'm married to a Latino.

[@gabrielagiannakoulis6230]

She looks and sounds like Demi Lovato! ❤️

[@lasierramorena5505]

i’m rlly happy there’s other mexicans with a thing for jewish guys

[@not_ur_mamas_mothman]

Nerdy, black glasses, oh… so he’s me

[@madonnamadonna3273]

I love her! She's so funny 🤗❤️🤣

[@joeykozma7688]

No, not at all.

[@nicholasalmaguer4202]

ayyyee she from southside texaaasss!!!

[@Vinnafetish]

It was hilarious at first but went down towards the end

[@theactualslapmaster2466]

She said the line she said the line

[@renel8964]

4:53 *roll credits*

[@Madmagnus]

best intro yet!

[@kate_6436]

Ohmygod she’s so gorgeous what does she mean

[@janetmiller8410]

Best part was when Ari came back up for his own shout-out

[@lovexlobo]

MY DAD OWNS A LAW FERM ARE YOU WET NOW

[@honeybeejourney]

When I grew up in NY, Mexican food was super exotic- like Ethiopian food. Now I live in California and I eat Mexican food everyday. :-) Go figure.

[@5thHouse]

A lot of these are funny. You'll see one eventually

[@Psychroclasm]

Was the preview joke literally 20 seconds in?

[@TheSatyricon11]

Aw man that ending was painful to watch.

[@Sparkles.Deluxe]

Um, I have follow up questions.

[@andylopez1353]

Bravo

[@BAgee-lw9ct]

Jewish guys are hot

[@deez2569]

TRUTH💯🔥

[@xXPurpleLoliTranceXx]

Israeli guys are pretty attractive but goddamn it are they short asf 🤧

[@sua.9847]

It annoyed me that she was way off on the sound effects when she did the eye popping gesture & airport scanner alarm.

[@deningunlado3086]

I love her

[@MaverickQ2]

I watch the intro every time.

[@amberparker9883]

Ari IS hot when he shaves his head & wears that mohowk & contacts. Looks like a different guy! 🔥💯

[@Protectobot]

He had a MOHAWK for 1 hour?!

[@dontron810]

Is that really a compliment tho??

[@puffasaur1987]

What I just heard was, Aris her when he doesn't look like himself. Lol

[@scooterdooter]

"So I trusted a Jew once, and here's what went wrong with that shit.!"

[@BinocularRivalry]

Same laugh track @ 04:22 as 04:36

[@Dazen101]

NoteTheTime The same crowd laughs the same way?

[@BinocularRivalry]

Sean Thompson We should ask the sound editor, as it was clearly his or her brilliant mixing skillz...

[@zegrasisinnocent]

QuilavaPOMF He's not even being edgy. Tryhard.

[@cileymyrus549]

NoteTheTime Wow, you're right.. I didn't think it was funny, but now I def know it wasn't funny, that was 100% a laugh track!!!

[@cileymyrus549]

Sean Thompson Did you actually hear both tracks? They are IDENTICAL

[@RedRose-id4sd]

Girl. Same. Texan. Love Jewish men.

[@WOAHFOX]

this is just gonna be one crazy night

[@captainomoplata643]

Ari smashed in the green room after

[@jamesrath25]

Ari was funnies thing about this story!

[@oscarsantarosa1720]

She loves someone who leaves a 9 percent tip

[@kristinesmart24]

Not to be that person, but a real cop would just say "I have a piece with me" His service revolver, then he'd have a badge, Police I.D. and other PW. It's not Mulberry.

[@eduardomedallion4573]

She's a Latina comedian beauty 😍❤️

[@Prod_by_Svengali]

Unicorn line made me chuckle inside, that's about it. NEXT!

[@siriusmined3709]

Surprised she hasn't had more boyfriends

[@annabethsmith-kingsley2079]

I'll never understand how different people think hispanics are in the states.

[@G3RMZONE]

this is the first time ive seen cristela but im sure shes 100% from the valley.

[@tarico4436]

Kinda funny. I guess. One problem with her logic: earlier she says she's afraid of cops because of previous run ins with them; but then when the TSA, or airplane cops, takes her aside and they frisk her and basically treat her more like a criminal than the one with the gun, her boyfriend, she says that it was weird. If it happened to you so often as a kid, or a teen, then why would it be weird when it happens to you as an adult? Just a minor quibble. Her delivery was pretty good. I'll check out more of her humor.

[@wirelesswisdom3006]

because she didnt do anything wrong, she was innocent , and it was her bfs gun not hers..

[@tarico4436]

***** I better go look up the word "weird." Wireless Wisdom Evidently, I weirdly drink this weird liquid every day: coffee.

[@moarroz]

@David Davidson damn david i had your back on the other comment you made me laugh now we meet again. It was her bf who was the cop. She wasn't shitting on him. He didn't do proper protocol for his equipment (that's what I'm calling it). Also she clearly didn't know he was bringing it along for Thanksgiving. Normally i would be on his side, but not if he isn't going to follow protocol. Also look up what happened at ft. Lauderdale airport. It didn't make my friend safe who is an airport officer. Military mentallly ill dude came out the gate like that. Not safe for everyone. If you don't even know proper protocol it means someone better than you can take it from you. He's an officer he should know to be more responsible than send people into a panic at an airport.

[@artheaux666]

You’re so dumb it hurts

[@usernamehere3326]

Was all that laughter added in post?

[@Protectobot]

I wonder if Cristy would like me cos I’m her age but I’m a NON-Jewish white guy in L.A. and I feel like a freak because of that 😂😝

[@AlexPastel]

David Guetta sitting in the back at 4:30?

[@Pattyobrien3]

I thought all cops, much less part time cops, can't bring guns on airplane carry-ons, not since at least 9/11.

[@tanvikejriwal1]

This might be pre-9/11

[@tylercobler7796]

She jabbed at racial descrimination... 😂

[@tommymartin1530]

She funny

[@nabusintox2627]

I still don't get why he had a gun in his bag - did he just forget it was there?

[@Quetsalcoatvl]

You can bring guns on planes you're just not allowed to have them as carryons they have to be in cargo and it's best to contact the airport beforehand. I don't think you can bring ammunition anymore though.

[@liligman]

@@Quetsalcoatvl has to be in a separate container than the firearm, which has to be in the checked baggage

[@liligman]

Also it happens all the time. Especially in Pre-check, way more often than most people think.

[@jonathanjimenez4019]

This is more sad haha than funny haha.

[@macnvettes]

He should have gone to jail like anyone else would have.

[@carmenreed5792]

Jews have a glock usually they carry a .38 revolver and a lot of guilt

[@NM-hb5fd]

Lololol!

[@chrisjohnson4576]

I skip the intro too

[@anastasiyatt4864]

It’s not the Jews, it’s the money that she loves!

[@zenarashid4422]

It so happens that many comedians here are Jewish

[@xantiaamore7836]

woah nelly

[@alanmott-smith9358]

1:05 - You actually are very pretty, Cristela.

[@Zikomo7]

I'm confused. So he just brought a gun? Why

[@keithdrummond1003]

Damn. Just...damn...

[@HaploidCell]

First one (?) to use the title of the show? Good story. Man, the fucking irony burns. Also, WTF with the frisking. I feel like in the US you just have to know what you can take through security or not. All the liquid sizes, what type of nail clipper, etc. It feels like that is common knowledge in the US, wheras I would have no clue (Germany) because I can fucking drive everywhere. To me that seems like an aweful lot of completely arbitrary and ever-changing information to have to keep remembering.

[@muradal2006]

Money money money!

[@faithinverity8523]

Imagine how funny that story would be if it made sense?

[@dannielleuhrich627]

Woman makes me lmao!!! Ty

[@drinxs505]

They didn't have that part in the movie