CUTTING TIES: UNDERSTANDING Toxic Family Drama During The HOLIDAYS

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

KZbin will make the live chat box available to you within 13 hrs of this chat ending! ALWAYS the best part. To see my live chat on betrayal trauma, click here: kzbin.infohbceWmbgIXY?si=Ob22bO8enP1CZjC9

[@dblaze9757]

5 years no contact for me. Life is too short to be dealing with constant negative crap.

[@dennisrobinson8008]

Good you learned.

[@faithgirl8844]

If you don’t mind me asking. How did you do it? Was it really hard in the beginning? Did you already have a positive support system in place? Just curious because I feel like it’s happening in my life. I think the part I feel sad because the stuff I am seeing is so hurtful and I can no longer look away or act like the things my mother, sisters and father has done..But this is my first holiday experiencing the “No contact” no one has reached out to me and is haven’t reached out to them. I just desire to stay with myself, my husband and kids. Just a really weird space 🥹 but I’m aiming to work through it

[@cristinalz9395]

Question: Do they reach out to you? Miss you? Try to get together at any point during this 5 years???

[@maisha_yangu]

I'm at a point where I've definitely outgrown my mother and half-sister, I'm ready to free myself and live a life of my own.

[@RadAngelDMV]

No contact for almost 3y now & was getting weak & feeling that adult child guilt during these holidays bc of that fam member calling & leaving 'silent' voice mails. But you clarified things for me, Ms. T, that they don't ask you why you're mad or hurt or even apologize (which is why I got silence) bc they minimize your feelings & never take accountability... Which is typically narcissistic behavior.

[@UnKnoone]

Your channel is a major blessing. I've gone no contact for the past 3 years off and on. I still maintain very limited interaction with them. It's been essential for healing due to years and years of abuse. However, being the family scapegoat has only made me stronger at the end of the day. Thank you for sharing your knowledge 💚🎯💯

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so glad you've found healing and strength through this journey of re-evaluating what the truth is. And thank you! Glad this was helpful.

[@Rebeccabecc]

I did this then became disabled and now I'm stuck 🙃 I have no choice but to be around those id rather not

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😔

[@cbzzzzzzzzzzz1167]

What you said about how the heart feels, that is so true. Also, I agree, I would try really hard first to work on issues before going No Contact. I have been No Contact for 14 years now. My husband and I had no choice in order to protect how the family was targeting our young children to be emotionally abused by the next generation coming up. Our kids are adults now. The family still searches us out to find out what we are doing, commenting on our social media sites, trying to smear us and our followers and destroy our business brand we are trying to grow. This has been going on for 14 years now. We just keep all contact that they send us, and continue to go No Contact. It is so exhausting and draining....like we all left a cult or something. We try to find our peace everyday by walking and doing things we love, animals help, little pets. Also...I have learned that going No Contact with one toxic environment doesn't mean it won't happen again with others. Lots of wolves out there looking for the injured. Have to be careful that you don't get back into that web with someone else. Thank you again, great help listening to your vlogs.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! I'm glad they are helpful to you. That's the goal every live chat. This sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. It sounds like they are desperately trying to figure out what happened. After 14yrs, they should get the unspoken message. But some family members are nosey, controlling, and curious. Other times they love and miss the person who has walked away. Either way, they should still respect the space you are indirectly asking for.

[@cbzzzzzzzzzzz1167]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you, just being able to share a little bit of the story is enough. It's really complicated. Involves everything you speak about. Secret competitions, jealousy, envy...just a mess. It started after my husband and I bought a little cabin to fix up, that seem to make them angry. It just went on from there, got worse each year we were trying to better our lives...so we left. It's sad that this is happening all over the world, families should help support and encourage each other, and be happy when someone becomes successful. Also, I try not to judge anyone about religion, but my immediate family finding. after I found God and being in peace now, that also set them off. I never talked about it with them, but now that they found my blog site and see I do share verses that help some followers, they hate that too. None of it makes sense, so I continue to stay away. It's mostly just 2-3 bad characters that run the family dynamic. Too many lies to untangle with this one. You and yours have a Happy Thanksgiving.

[@niecyj.1782]

yup...neighbors, co workers etc are predators too.

[@Scene68]

After losing my grandmother, years ago, I have come to learn how free it is not having to be forced to be around those I cannot stand being in the room with for less than 5 minutes. Because we are not close. They're so toxic it cuts deeper than a room filled with smoke. My friend suggested something that I find much more welcoming, is to have a "Friendsgiving and Friendsmas", where you surrounded by those who actually love you without question or expectations and you love them just the same. "Family are not those you are born into but those you chose to be your family."

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Good idea. I totally get that. family are not always those who you are born alongside of, but rather, the ones who unconditionally love you and you feel loved by. It would be great to have a loving family, but as you point out, that's not always possible. Glad you are making the holidays meaningful for yourself.

[@tina8796]

Yes, that's what I like to do. The holidays are poison. I always dread them. Why do people make such a big deal out of them because it's just another day.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I understand this for sure! Again, I think it's the psychology of commercialism and perpetuation of erroneous views around family, relationships, and holiday time. We're a world who fantasizes, embraces non-truths, and encourages positivity and family time as well as the holidays does all of this. We truly need a re-construction of how we, as a world, look at almost everything that has been put in stone over the years.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Expectations are heightened? 😬

[@tina8796]

@@TherapistTamaraHill It's the absolute worst. We do need to get away from the idea that we MUST congregate during the holidays. Too much food, too much travel, too much stress, too much expectation, too much everything. It's just the most awful time.

[@KimberlyGladden-r2x]

I came to the conclusion that I will have no contact., For Thanksgiving nor Christmas nor The New Year!! Because They want to get Between Me And My Fiancé And Soon To Be Husband… It’s The Best Feeling And Decisión I Had Made.. he’s Native American and I’m African American.

[@RobertRedman007]

Great video, I have decided that this year only, I am spending time with friends for Xmas instead of family. It feels good!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! And that’s great to hear! I’m glad you have a plan for your holidays! 🤗

[@rosemariehorscroft2072]

There are not many people as good.as you Dr. Tamara.

[@Wildflorajewelry]

I love your videos so much. They have really allowed me to understand my MIL. It’s taken almost a year but I’m finally NC with her. Having children definitely made it very difficult. Thank you for your hard work and sharing it all with us.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you so much! It's wonderful that you're able to take these steps and also benefit from the topics here. And you're welcome!! Thank you.

[@Rebeccabecc]

Holidays are the worst! 😢 I tried this, then they ganged up against me! Now they made as if I was the issue. No I was just standing up for myself after all these years, then no support from mom dad nothing so 🤷‍♀️ i get shunned as i did at 15 when abused, they protected the perp and shunned me. Now its happening all over again with family. I got away years ago then they sent in romeo pimp to humans traffic me 😢 now i have nothing. I was a millionaire 😢

[@kimmathe6701]

You may feel you have nothing but if you're safe then that's something. If you're striving to start over and not give up, then that's admirable. If you are learning the lessons and continuing self betterment and self care , that's huge. If you have hope , that's everything . If you believe in God and pray , he hears us and will heal. Money means nothing if we don't have self love and respect and our mental health. Do not allow abuse.

[@faithgirl8844]

Hi Tamara ..Wow when you were sharing about your extended family members I could totally relate.. 🥹 This is where I am right now with BOTH my mom side of the family and siblings and also my dad side of the family and my half siblings…My breaking point was 2 years ago and now I finally feel like “ I Can NO Longer Hold Up the Wall” !!! This is the weirdest space yet when I realized this moment in therapy when I verbalized to myself…If I stopped to talking to them today my life would actually enhance for the better! 😳 That’s crazy to repeat to myself but it’s true…if I ever needed help for something I wouldn’t turn to them…but the funny thing is “they would always turn to me” I can’t do it anymore! I’ve had literal strangers be more kind and loving toward than my own blood related “family”.

[@LPoppy2023]

Me too!!!!

[@nancyP7448]

In my family, we were never taught boundaries. Boundaries would have never been tolerated. No wonder I have always felt like a door mat. Thank you for showing me that.

[@Private_Pookie]

Soo my daughters mom has an uncle who i was kinda unaware of until someone asked me about him. When i then questioned my daughters mom about him she just plainly stated that he just got up and left one day and never came back. It was vey strange to me. Years later after being involved with this family for sometime now i absolutely understand why he as mainly gon no contact with his mom and the rest of their family. They are a bunch of narcissistic know it alls who are insufferable to be around. Smh i get it now.....

[@LPoppy2023]

Thank you so much for this. You capitalized challenges that I find hard to put into words 10 years with certain members of my family two years from others. It’s really hard couldn’t tolerate -window of tolerance minimal.

[@jeremy19175]

I realized that family is not everything in my final year of high school I want to leave but i have a disability and get government assistance so I don't have a lot of money to move out

[@Rebeccabecc]

Same 😢

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

@jeremy19175 thank you for posting your comment here. I'm so sorry you feel this way. Wanting to get out of something and not having the ability to "move" can feel like imprisonment. But you are not stuck there. Depending on where you are located, you may be able to use your health insurance (granted you have it), call the back of your card member services, and ask for a referral to a case manager or service coordinator. They can truly help you get plugged into services that can help you gain some independence such as applying for financial benefits, getting a therapist (if you want one), and getting you into programs where you can work toward building your independence. We call these adult independence programs and they often take government assisance as well. Because I do not know your situation personally, I can't cover all basis but I do HIGHLY recommend getting a case manager through your insurance. They are supposed to be a "companion" for those who need them and can benefit from services in the community that helps with becoming more independent, working, etc. And you may be able to apply for financial assistance for housing. Subsidy housing can be helpful too until you can get on your feet. This is something you would ask your case manager. I hope this may be helpful to you!

[@darrylharris756]

Thank You ❤❤❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! Glad this was helpful. 😊

[@nancyP7448]

Sorry I missed the live.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤗no need to apologize! I hope you are doing well.

[@danitajminer3279]

Thank-you 😊

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😊You're welcome!

[@nancyP7448]

My window of tolerance shrank. It did cause my no-contact decision.

[@kimmathe6701]

I love rhat metphore . A family is like a busy 🏙️ city. 😊

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😊it truly is.

[@lesliestirm8117]

I feel like there is a difference between untreated borderline personality disorder and treated/being treated borderline personality disorder because the two present so differently.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes, absolutely. There is. Everyone with the label is different which sometimes contributes to not being diagnosed or being misdiagnosed. Typically when I am discussing BPD on the channel, I am referring to untreated, poorly treated, or treatment resistent BPD.

[@gregoryparker6556]

Why don't other psychologists talk about this. Or the topics in the manner that you have?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I truly don't know! I hate to say that. But we are very much behind in this field and not everyone has the same experiences either in the field. I just happen to be one very vocal psychotherapist who not only observes these behaviors A LOT but also studies and researches these things actively. Certificatin programs are a must too. We just need more work in this arena.

[@danitajminer3279]

Tolerance meter has reached full capacity.😂

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

👍👍👍

[@cristinalz9395]

How is the best way to start the conversation about not being in that same toxic way as was during extream hard times(divorce)?

[@nancyP7448]

I'm truly concerned about my life having me in a high Cortisol state for way too many years. Tamara, could that affect my high anxiety now?

[@ecohumanism]

if one of your parents likes to watch some pandits, warmongers, *phobic people, claiming that you are too young and silly to understand serious matters, it's okay to feel reluctant to communicate with them. I don't really support using silent treatment as a punishment, but to maintain a safe distance, to protect yourself from their harmful environment - yes. Some people cannot help but harm themselves and others KHarris feels sooooo controversial, because she says humane and spiritual things while being a bad person

[@danitajminer3279]

❤

[@Winning29]

This is a spiritual battle. This is between God and Satan. Those who, under the demonic spirits of jealousy etc., are playing for Satan and they are triggered by your light. It’s not really the fault of the person so I forgive them. But they have been hacked by Demons and are not rebuking them so I refuse to hang out with them.

[@Accentric_jewellery]

I wasn’t feeling well yday and fell asleep before the live!! I’m 25 years nc…plus I self isolated all those years so it’s extremely painful. Wish I’d caught this live ♥️♥️🫶🏾🫶🏾

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry. I hope you are feeling better. I can relate. Sometimes you just have to crash and hope you feel better after you wake up. It is painful to experience this. I'm sorry.

[@Gotteskind17]

❤