Dark: The Vampire Game Nobody Played - Just Bad Games

Channing Tatum has no idea he's in this game.
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Special thanks to ‪@GlassReflection‬ for helping edit this episode!
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[@alexanderreivakh1873]

"Sorry, Eric, but the blood you need is in another vampire".

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

Pfft 😂😂😂

[@izaaklivestream6545]

Yes same way other game

[@johndodo2062]

​@Miguel Silva that's the point

[@GatorRay]

Here's mine. "Sorry Eric. But your vampire is in another location."

[@beekbeek8535]

"Sorry, Eric. But your vampire is in another vampire that's in another vampire that's in another vampire's castle."

[@Pleinair92]

Fun fact: You see that quote from Eurogamer on the game's cover? It's from a preview. The actual REVIEW gave it a 3/10.

[@jmal]

This may sound weird, but it reminds me of the Garfield movie on DVD. All the back-of-the-box quotes are out-of-context and only consist of one word.

[@jaygooese4242]

Nobody knows this game existed also my Birthday is on August 15th

[@ihateslovakians]

​@@jaygooese4242happy birthday

[@tomgann9383]

@@jaygooese4242happy birthday

[@Green24152]

​@@jaygooese4242and nobody knew you existed

[@MainAvel]

The "vampires can't be photographed" thing comes from the fact that old-timey photography involved silver while developing the negative. And since silver rejects the image of a vampire, they don't show up on photographs! For the same reason they "don't show up in mirrors"... mirrors used to be lined with silver. Interestingly, they'd all show up in modern cameras and mirrors since there's no silver involved.

[@zmbdog]

Yep. In fact, one reason so many silent-era films are lost is because studios started recycling prints to mine their silver content.

[@Just.Kidding]

A little more information: What you're thinking of is silver halide. It's not necessarily used in developing the negative, it's what makes up the film/photo stock itself - they're made of a membrane coated in a gelatin containing silver halide, which is sensitive to light. The density of the silver particles determines the resolution of the image - think of it like pixels. After a brief exposure, the image is developed; a chemical process that turns the silver halide affected by light into metallic silver, which blocks light. This creates a monochrome image. For color photography, three layers of silver halide are used, each one having blue, red, or green dye adsorb to the surface of the crystals, making them sensitive to that color. There's more that happens afterwards, but that's a bit outside the scope of this comment. That's a very basic summary of how silver is used in photography.

[@defrozendonut8715]

@@zmbdogand also they would just spontaneously combust if ya looked at em funny

[@ianfinrir8724]

​@@defrozendonut8715 That's the main reason so many films are lost

[@assassin8636]

​@zmbdog is that really true?

[@T1MAGEDDON]

This feels like the videogame equivalent of someone going "Now i don't like X, but THIS is X done well" and then they show you the absolute worst bastardized version of X

[@ryshow9118]

Conservative "comedy" 😂

[@Dorelaxen]

"Going back to the origins of the Vampire stories." Main character looks like the edgiest edgelord to ever edge.

[@KasumiRINA]

Original lord Ruthven in Polidori's the Vampyre was the edgiest guy in Regency period made as a diss on Lord Byron... Who absolutely hated himself for bringing vampires to Westerners on that stormy evening at his Swiss villa where they told each other scary stories with the Shelleys (Mary turned her into Frankenstein).

[@graftongazaway]

And people say Shadow is edgy

[@zeldagameryt4018]

@@graftongazawayShadow is leagues above whatever this game was trying to do.

[@graftongazaway]

@@zeldagameryt4018 In terms of edginess or quality?

[@zeldagameryt4018]

@@graftongazaway Both because at least Shadow was still at least interesting (in my opinion) on top of the edginess. My guy lost his girl, almost died multiple times, and he may or may not be a robot. What’s Eric’s excuse

[@aperturius]

"It tastes like a taco peed on my tongue." For years I've been trying to describe what a bloody Mary tastes like to me, and you did it in one sentence.

[@warbossgegguz679]

They're disgusting enough WITH alcohol. You have to be a straight masochist or an idiot to drink one virgin willingly.

[@ddjsoyenby]

never drink bl00dy marys........they're almost as bad as beer YEAH I SAID IT I'M NOT BIG B00ZE'S BOY!

[@deathsyth8888]

Hey, some people pay extra for "that" kind of action.

[@deathsnitemaresinfullust2269]

Haa! Was just thinking something similar. 😄👍

[@Dorelaxen]

I really enjoy my booze, but good goddamn do I truly hate bloody Mary's.

[@mingdamerciles_3180]

I just realized, Rose has all this vast vampire lore but she sends you after Steiner only moments from daybreak and tells you vampires are weak to sunlight, all while forgetting to mention that Steiner is the only vampire who becomes stronger in sunlight? She has Tom shoot you without knowing if you’d survive. She gets mad when the elder vampires she sent you to aren’t the one you’re looking for, Rose is actually the main antagonist 😂

[@JaggedBird]

Missed opportunity on a twist villian in this story. Would've been interesting and not too bad

[@gracekim25]

That would have worked 😂

[@twilightsparkle75]

Well considering she said there are old and powerful vampires decades to centuries old, and they are much more powerful than her, she is probably a pretty new vampire as well. So it stands to figure she is just kinda piecing things together by talking to others and using her techno vampire powers to search databases... So its probably all pretty vague and guesstimated.

[@runningcommentary2125]

I just can't get over the Geralt voice. I keep expecting him to say the fog's thick as curdled milk.

[@steveosk8s]

"Winds' howling"

[@malefitz8174]

LOOKS LIKE RAIN

[@zephyr8072]

Good to know Geralt wasn’t the first badly written author insert he voiced. Albeit a complete incompetent vs Geralt’s Gary Stu.

[@mycazglinski2302]

Hearing him gave me whiplash.

[@DustySLR]

Come on , Roach!

[@chrispitchforth621]

Imagine being a vampire at some point in the distant past. You try and figure out what your powers are. Nothing works, frustration builds and you are mocked for not having powers. Then one day, hundreds of years into the future. Someone sits you down in front of a keyboard and somehow you know how to program. A skill that you could have learned in a couple of years.

[@synchronizedelbow5702]

You'd have to have a firearm pointed at you to find out as well. So now you have computer skills and a gunshot wound.

[@RianQuenlin]

Well here's an example of how that would work. Someone who has experience working with autistic people would know how to work with someone who has a diminished or absent ability to understand nuance or read the room. This skill can be applied to computers which cannot understand nuance at all and will interpret all instructions literally, and will likely be more relevant with AI systems.

[@JamesTSmirk87]

Imagine all those vampires that are steam engine experts. Feeling pretty bad right now, I bet.

[@JohnSmith-xv1tp]

As a software engineer myself, I can confirm that programmers are indeed allergic to sunlight and going outside.

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

Why am I laughing so damn hard at this? 😂😂😂 I would feel so bad for that vampire, thinking for centuries that they're a failure of their species when really, the thing they would be good at hadn't even been invented yet!

[@TheSkullivan12]

Trivia fact: The reason for the stereotype of vampires saying "bleh" comes from imitators making fun of the way Bela Lugosi pronounced the word "blood" when he played Dracula.

[@sanguinetiger]

I think it was a skit from second city comedy group

[@TheLakabanzaichrg]

That makes sense i guess

[@luckyducky7819]

Fun fact: Vampires all say "bleh". They've been gaslighting us for hundreds of years by lying.

[@lPsychoMax]

Actually Frankie talked about that in the 2nd movie in idle chit chat. Mentioning he's not Frankenstien but was created by the man called frankenstien and then got cut off before he continued. Kind of weird he'd talk about it tbh.

[@lPsychoMax]

@tears in the rain np, they get worse as they go on. Especially 4, I regret going through and watching the 4th one; it was horrible!

[@RockinSquid]

"This's guys neck has so many holes, it could play the song of time." I fucking died there

[@warface4881]

I don't even know what that refers to and made me laugh pretty hard. Zelda maybe?

[@brunogamesbr1]

@@warface4881 yeah, ocarina neck

[@cristinagomez3283]

Maybe they'll be able to go back in time and save the ghost of the money they wasted on this game 💀

[@GameDevSkittles]

Lol

[@exerminator2000]

Yeah, that was comedy Gold

[@fghdkjlfkghfc]

Eric dragging a corpse up stairs looks like he's puppeteering the body.

[@carloseduardoleodorodemori3224]

With a single string it looks like.

[@westheriault3797]

My favorite part is that each vampire getting their own unique power is a... twilight... thing

[@TooFewSecrets]

@@slightlyevolved Or how Masquerade does it where there's different bloodlines of vampires that largely have the same powers.

[@DJ4461]

Or a jojo thing but for most characters, not even just the vampire. And look at DIO. Or shadow DIO

[@robertharris6092]

@tears in the rain thats becoming incredibly common todayn

[@louissteyn6871]

I believe it was also mentioned in blood omen 2

[@gracekim25]

Correct

[@davidspring4003]

I literally thought of a better ending twist than what this game did. Rose is your sire and was using your amnesia to make you kill her rivals

[@runningcommentary2125]

I guessed that was the twist and I'm really annoyed that it wasn't.

[@davidspring4003]

@@runningcommentary2125 RIGHT?!

[@brawler5760]

Very cliché, but still better than this stupid plot.

[@davidspring4003]

@@brawler5760 I mean fair

[@chozoone19]

That's honestly kinda what I was expecting to happen

[@DawnOfTheOzz]

Eric's the type of vampire who'd be afraid of taking walks in the woods lest he run into a certain red clad vampire who likes taking very enthusiastic walks.

[@davisvoelzke8011]

Who?

[@lPsychoMax]

*Alucard panting* : I came as quick as I could! Where's the sorry excuse for a vampire?

[@nourdjaoui3214]

@@davisvoelzke8011 alucard

[@synchronizedelbow5702]

Probably with a police girl in tow.

[@robertkovarna8294]

Even the Scarlet Sisters are better vampires.

[@Pipkiablo]

Not gonna lie, I thought the twist ending was going to be that Rose is the one that sired you and Tom was in on it and they were both either testing you or screwing with you for their amusement.

[@oz_jones]

Or just getting rid of rivals

[@omarmansuri7099]

That ending would even explain the big plotholes. Why they help you. Why Tom shot you and why Rose's "abilities" are so random and bullshit.

[@xantishayde-walker4593]

@@omarmansuri7099 I don't think anything could explain why Rose's "abilities" are so bullshit. Well, maybe the fact that the people who made this game were talentless hacks when it came to writing. Yeah, that sounds about right.

[@CSXIV]

It seemed to be leading into that and that makes so much more sense. But this assumes the devs had any ambition other then "we hate Twilight."

[@LoganWH8]

Didn’t they say “if a vampire drinks someone’s blood and kills them, they become a vampire”? So, all those people Eric slurped are going to come back as vampires, and if they don’t get Eric’s blood, they’ll all become mindless killing machine ghouls. So there’s gonna be a ton of ghouls roaming the streets pretty soon, right?

[@shinyagumon7015]

That would be a fun idea for the Sequel: You and a million other low level goons fighting together to get one dude before you turn into mindless monsters.

[@LuriTV]

Wouldn't that make him a Ghul instead (kind of a blood bitch for actual vampires)? Oh I forgot, the developers are CLEARLY not ripping of World of Darkness...

[@mr.nobody2191]

Depends on what lore sometimes it only people of the opposite sex or virgins who become vampires when drinked from and anybody else just become a ghoul

[@Mgauge]

That's the kind of detail that a good vampire story would cover. Likely by adding some sort of stipulation to vampirism to explain why they aren't numerous enough to qualify as a category on the census if they need to feed so often. This is not one of those stories.

[@PointsofData]

@@mr.nobody2191 OP is specifically referencing this games lore

[@qu1253]

Total Biscuit gave probably the most accurate appraisal of this game when it released: "You play as a fledgling vampire who is completely useless at pretty much everything."

[@cyndernight2422]

RIP TB

[@TwoWholeWorms]

Rest in power, Bisc.

[@headman82]

I miss that man

[@cyndernight2422]

@@headman82 he was the best kind of brit, a cynical one.

[@headman82]

@@cyndernight2422 nice

[@jprofio]

The wild thing about the "we're not like Twilight" vibe is the fact that vampires each having unique random abilities is legit *a thing directly from Twilight* I'm sure it wasn't the first or the last but that was like. A major thing in the series.

[@Ben-pv2bn]

That's a funny way to spell Vampire: The Masquerade

[@fawnieee]

​@@Ben-pv2bn ah yes, a game that sure was more popular than the Twilight series. Wait...

[@Hecatom]

Vampires had their own dark gifts since forever

[@twilightsparkle75]

Its not actually a twilight thing. Even morrowind in 2001 had vampire clans where different bloodlines of vampire have their own set of specialties and powers. Bloodline specific powers for a lineage pure blood vampire is kind of a staple. Hell even BLADE had this feature. Which this game holds a lot of vibes with, like the entire night club. Like the BLADE blood rave...

[@Equ3strianGam3r]

You see Vlad has a gun and say, "Look at that vampires can use guns". Did you forget about Tom shooting you at the beginning?

[@dimitriwarchief301]

Yes

[@Darklordjadow1]

Just putting this out there: vampires getting completely randomized X-Men powers? Twilight did that too. Not sure how many other vampire stories do that, but *literally* how it works in Twilight. Just to make their instruction manual rant funnier.

[@PointsofData]

And the worst part is that Twilight did it better

[@qu1253]

All these years I've been doing it wrong. I just need to go get bitten by a vampire to become an IT expert.

[@PointsofData]

@@qu1253 you'll also become immortal and won't be affected by sunlight because you won't be going outside anyway so really it's a win-win all around

[@kolonarulez5222]

I was thinking the same thing rolling my eyes! One good thing about being a former fan of Twilight is the knowledge to actually make fun of Twilight.

[@planescaped]

Twilight pretty much took it's entire world from World of Darkness and modified it to be a tween romance novel. Vampire the Masquerade: Highschool and mom totally suck.

[@jayarby8494]

“I want to play Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines!” “Honey, we have Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines at home.” Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines at home:

[@TheArthurLapin]

Well KZbin seems to agree at least.

[@masonasaro2118]

No, vampire the masquerade bloodlines at home is just the unpatched version of vampire the masquerade bloodlines

[@k96man]

Couldn't have said it better myself

[@warbossgegguz679]

@@masonasaro2118 And even then the actual GAMEPLAY is still ass, just stable. VtMB is a game carried entirely by its narrative.

[@BlazeHeartPanther]

Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines at Home: HEEEEEY, neat trick, man!

[@thrillathakilla]

The writing in the manual and the game dialogue leads me to believe this was written by r/niceguys. Also, in the book Bram Stoker's Dracula, vampires are not killed by sunlight. Dracula himself is seen walking about in the day stalking his victims. All that happens is his powers are weak or cease altogether and he can only transform at dawn, noon or dusk

[@MintyCoolness]

Also, being able to transform into bats or wolves. That would have been awesome, (heck, Blood Omen 1 did that) but nope, they had to stick to the basics, but add their bullshit to it.

[@thrillathakilla]

Fully agree. Blood omen implemented it well too. I would love to have a remake of the original Blood Omen. Even if it was a skyrim mod@@MintyCoolness

[@garywilliams5718]

If that is true, that means that Dracula literally sat there while he was being murdered and did nothing, but they also stated that he had to return to the earth in which he was buried

[@BrookTheUndeadDM]

A few fun facts 1.) The reason vampires go "Bleh" is because when Bela Legosi played Dracula in the classic film, his accent caused the word Blood to sound like that 2.) Vampires originally were not killed by sunlight, only weakened. It wasn't until Nosfaratu that sunlight was used as a way to kill vampires. 3.) The part where Shane and Adam have a bit of conflicting lore in the game about "abilities being different between vampires" is partially misguided because the character says that some abilities are similar but generally they're different. Meaning that your characters teleport mist ability might be a shared ability between all vampires

[@peterullinger2814]

The contrast between the developers´message and Count Duckula, Bunnycula and Nielsen´s Dracula is just gold!

[@dischannel3186]

I'm glad people still remember Count Duckula

[@Rebel_Railroad_Productions]

Oh yeah, I remember seeing this title on the shelf at GameStop. Thank God I asked the store clerk if it was any good. He said "absolutely not", and that was the best advice ever.

[@ddjsoyenby]

he steered ya good.

[@SaltyToad00]

W employee.

[@genericname2747]

Dude decided that this game wasn't even worth a profit

[@Rad-Dude63andathird]

@@genericname2747 GameStop employees get paid by the hour, not the sale lmao.

[@genericname2747]

@@Rad-Dude63andathird yeah, but the store still lost out on a few dollars because the game was so bad

[@headman82]

This game really shows why attention to detail is important. Because it’s not here and they definitely didn’t care. A poker game where everyone has the same card, really!?

[@MarieAntoon]

The main character's narration sure is the epitome of "Dark" as written by a 14 year old.

[@JoeyMulvaney]

Funniest and most spot-on description of this game's narration I've seen

[@mattr75]

When it comes to the whole sunlight thing with vampires, the original Dracula novel specified that Dracula didn't die in sunlight. In fact, that bit came from misinterpreting the ending of Nosferatu where he died due to the lack of blood, not the sunlight. Still, great episode

[@sarafontanini7051]

oh, interstings

[@jjoshaugh]

Ya, several scenes in the book have Drac wandering around in the Sun. That was one thing the Film "Bram Stolker's Dracula" did right.

[@virovac885]

Admittedly it did weaken him enough that when a man comes after him with rage in his eyes and holding a knife in his teeth as he climbs, Drac just flees.

[@ianfinrir8724]

Also, the stake through the heart isn't what kills the vampire. It simply pins them to the ground and they eventually starve because they're too weak to get up.

[@sirpheredin1379]

Drinking a non alcoholic Bloody Mary is like ordering a burger that’s just lettuce and tomato.

[@tonydanatop4912]

Veggie burger ?

[@the_L-E-D_spike-factory_5277]

so like ordering a impossible whopper

[@Murtaugh395]

"What in the name of Davey Jones' locker is a sa-lad" -Spongebob

[@Silenced23]

I work at Taco Bell and believe me, you haven't seen anything yet

[@deathstinger13]

I dunno, that's still 2/3rds of a BLT. Also tomato and lettuce are both good. a non-alcoholoic bloody mary is like removing the gameplay and writing from a game. Yeah it exists, but what's the point? Disclaimer, I've never had a bloody mary, virgin or otherwise, and am going completely off descriptions provided in this video

[@mikumere]

It's so funny when in 27:16 the guard yells "OOGH! A VAMPIRE!! ARGH!! OOOGH!!" to just "OOOGH!" XD

[@slugishh9242]

1 single vampire man slaying hundreds of other vampires to save himself... amazing game plot.

[@nonamepasserbya6658]

It IS an interesting albeit cliche plot, killing hundreds of monsters to save yourself, selfish anti hero plot can work that way...just not this one

[@goosegas2087]

@@nonamepasserbya6658 Then again, a lot of bad narratives aren't bad because the ideas were terrible, the execution was. So I wouldn't be giving Dark any brownie points for that.

[@zephyr8072]

“Monster needs to be alone to kill other monsters!” -Hunt Down Free Man Part More

[@KasumiRINA]

The whole premise is ridiculous! I mean there are probably TONS of guys who don't know who bit them so they all go on killing spree? And then the hundreds of guys they bit in process do the same? This exponentially would lead to entire Earth population being destroyed in like, less than 5 layers into it. Geometric progression.

[@HankThePimpHill]

Like a great vampire once said: "Morb or be Morbed"

[@laylaunikitty4444]

My only complaint is that you didnt have the ghost of the money we wasted on Dark in the cemetery.

[@lPsychoMax]

The Phantom of the Ghost of the money wasted on this terrible game!

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

​@@lPsychoMax It seems a viewer sent this game to them, but perhaps an honorary ghost could've been drawn for the money that person spent on this 😂

[@MrDrCthulhu]

"We don't know how to animate Eric dragging bodies around! What do we do?" "Eh, just make it go to first-person when you're dragging, that'll save a bunch of time." Great move, devs.

[@edplaysbass7003]

As odd as having a nightclub look like a church is, it's not unheard of for old churches to be turned into nightclubs or other venues while retaining their church-like shape and structure. It happens in Europe. Though I'm not sure if the game designers knew this, or were just going with a gothic architectural theme for the club.

[@faggotgirl2659]

Actually, it happened often while USSR fought any religion inside its borders. Maybe some of this could be placed in eastern Europe, but I think, churches kept undestroyed, but rebuilt to dancefloors or barracks, could be now restored as churches, to not hurt people's feelings

[@mar_speedman]

Man, this game's plot is so finicky. I mean, right from the get go, the girl goes "You're a half vampire and clearly you don't remember who you are and there's absolutely no chance you'll ever find the vampire who turned you or any of their lineage, which you need to know to drink their blood so you don't turn into a dangerous mindless ghoul... But go ahead and walk around the city, try to drink random vampires' blood!" Like how are they not terminating him on sight?? He's a walking time bomb! Those vampires are clearly not powerful creatures of the night or immortal beings or anything! Ghouls are clearly a threat to vampires! And if they're not, they're a threat to their existence! I imagine everyone would've already known vampires existed if Ghouls keep popping up every once in a while cause vampires keep seeing doomed half vampires and refuse to assassinate them! Of course, not to mention that you apparently need to drink *all* the vampire's blood, which means there's no feasible way for vampires to exist. As soon as you turn a human into a vampire, they either eventually turn into ghouls or kill you and take your place! Those guys didn't 'recall the origins of vampire lore'! They threw it out the window and crapped a random mess! I mean, for a game to be this shoddy right from the get go! This game isn't JUST BAD. It's gotta be deserving of the number one spot on the JUST BAD list!

[@anon9469]

All of this could be resolved by just saying "you don't have to kill someone to drink their blood". But then the entire plot falls apart as you can walk up to the elder vampire (watched this 30 minutes ago, already forgot his name) and ask for a shot.

[@mar_speedman]

@@anon9469 No, it's *even worse!* Because they could reasonably write vampires in a way that works *without* breaking the plot! Like maybe vampires become weak when they lose their blood. What if they don't want to donate blood because they don't want to be weakened for the night? Any amount of thinking will create solutions. That's the insult! They never thought it through!

[@michaelanderson6394]

Oh my God! I’m actually the one who sent this in to you! I never thought I’d actually see this episode ever come out! But, God, it feels so surreal to see it actually be here! Thanks so much for making this!

[@rerez]

We blame you completely for letting us know this exists.

[@STICKOMEDIA]

@@rerez lol

[@gmk9321]

@@rerez it’s fine it’s good to learn about things that almost never existed

[@chrismassey9892]

Michael Anderson - Yeah Right Course You Did

[@SlytherinHero]

@Chris Massey never doubt a person with Two first names

[@Shadowfox607]

There's really a big problem as well with the fact that in order not to turn into a goul you need to drink the blood of your creator. Everyone that Eric drank the blood and killed now has crazy vampire powers and are coming after him to keep from turning into gouls. It also makes me wonder how there is even more than one vampire at a time when everyone they bit now needs their blood.

[@GundamGokuTV]

Wait so this game has 4 levels? The Museum, Vlad's Level, Atlantis and the Lab? That's it... Lord. Also Vampire the Masquerade has the benefit of being developed by folks who worked at Black Isle Studios who worked on Fallout and Icewind Dale. They knew how to do Narratives.

[@brawler5760]

Considering how gimped the stealth is in this game, I’m glad there’re only 4 levels.

[@austinmorrison6953]

Usually in these “incomplete vampire” stories it’s as simple as letting the transformation carry through or just drink blood for the first time.

[@ddjsoyenby]

yes.

[@themurph930]

I’ve seen a bunch of vampire stuff that requires drinking the “master” vampire’s blood. Interview with the Vampire is one example, but there are many others.

[@robertsissco2439]

But then there would have been no game...wait, nm, yea, lets go with your idea.

[@gamefan64]

Sorta like Seras in Hellsing Ultimate? She parctially became a full vampire after a certain scen in the later episodes

[@DamnedSilly]

Might be an Ann Rice thing. I know in her version you had to be drained to the point of death and fed tainted blood but there's probably older references.

[@zenksren8206]

Careful Rerez, the developers are going to want to put you on their hitlist next after this review

[@mar_speedman]

I'm genuinely hoping they've closed down already XD

[@bass1sam]

@@mar_speedman they make the Dungeons games so they went on to be fairly successful.

[@mar_speedman]

@@dewani9040 Well apparently they actually made successful games after that, so... Let's hope they mellowed out, huh? lol

[@oragethefurrykiller9194]

I bet the guy who put in that wanted poster is looking to hire a hit man to assassinate someone

[@mar_speedman]

@@oragethefurrykiller9194 He was probably hoping the hitman would love the game enough that he'd do the hit for free. Which is why no one died, of course. Surprised the devs are still alive, honestly!

[@thegreatgrapehippo1614]

If you would like to play an actual cool vampire game, give Vampyr a try. Has you playing as a skilled surgeon back from war to help deal with the plague. You return, are turned, and end up spending the game either working towards being a powerful vampire, or resisting your urges while you try to solve the mystery behind why you were turned and what happened to you and it's really cool

[@watsonwrote]

That sounds great, thanks for the suggestion

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

Watched my sibling play some of this, and it made me think a bit of Dishonored.

[@CSXIV]

I was just thinking how this game could have been better if the "sneak or kill" was tied to a morality meter that changed your ending. Yes, it's been done before (Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight, Bioshock, etc), but it would have still been an improvement.

[@asackboyplush6508]

​@@CSXIVdon't forget undertale

[@mr.x2567]

Honestly that’s what Morbius should have been.

[@jeepmega629]

Making a vampire game because you hate Twilight, is like making a game about Mario because you hate italians

[@remyrichardson8614]

its more like making a video game about italian culture because you hate mario

[@genericname2747]

@@remyrichardson8614 And then taking inspiration from Mario, while ignoring real Italian culture.

[@remyrichardson8614]

yeah@@genericname2747

[@-sanju-]

Making a game about Italians because you hate Mario*

[@dominicballinger6536]

Something worth noting is that vampjres don't actually get killed by sunlight in traditional lore. Even in Bram Stoker's Dracula! If they really cared about the origins, the sun would be meaningless!

[@anueutsuho7425]

Yeah, that was Nosferatu

[@dominicballinger6536]

@@anueutsuho7425 nosferatu isn't a character in the book.

[@anueutsuho7425]

@@dominicballinger6536 I meant the movie Nosferatu. That's where vampires started dying in the sun.

[@dominicballinger6536]

@@anueutsuho7425 oh, I thought you were correcting me by saying Nosferatu was the only place where they DIDNT die. Lol. Thanks for the info!

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

Thanks for this, now I know it IS acceptable for vampires to live in sunlight and that's not just a modern change in some media.

[@bobgunter9608]

How could his voice in the Witcher sound so good but in this game he’s making the original resident evil voice acting look amazing

[@k_isforkaito.]

Depends on which Witcher game you're talking about.

[@vagamer522]

I knew the voice sounded fimilar

[@Dustemikkel_Rev]

Because Geralt of Rivia isn't portrayed as a 25 year old mopey teenager.

[@loke6664]

Even great voice actors phone in their job now and then. I mean, sometimes a job is fun and get effort, other times you just need a paycheck so you can pay your rent. Ask Peter Dinklage about his voice acting for Destiny if you don't believe me. Voice actors are people just like the rest of us, and anyone doesn't always perform at 100% when working, particularly for a project you wont be proud to have on your IMDB page.

[@arditeider2812]

Depends on the direction.

[@IDIOTSonalog1210]

So the camera thing actually makes sense, since the reason camera's couldn't see vampires is because real old ones used silver in the photographing process, like how silver is used in mirrors, and digital cameras wouldn't have that problem. Not that the devs thought about that when making the game.

[@benjamincrowe6215]

No no! You don't understand! Vlad's vampiric power was- using a gun, so clearly, that is the reason Eric can't use a gun. Genius game design!

[@TheArcWielder]

"Hey, Jimmy, y'know that dark gritty game we're making?" "Yeah, Paul?" "Y'know what would make it even darker and gritter? CEL SHADING BUT ONLY ON CHARACTERS!"

[@ddjsoyenby]

"and posters encouraging murd3r of people who hurt our feelings by criticizing our game :D" "of course we were already gonna do that"

[@dynostretch9215]

"And let's literally just call our game 'DARK' because we have no imagination whatsoever and it draws in all the immature teenagers who'll think its edgy and cool!"

[@brawler5760]

NFS Unbound does something like this, but it does it so much better.

[@brunoslybruno]

i feel like the cell shading is the only decent thing in this game, gives it a telltaleish feel, not that it saves it from the dead models and painful animations but also man imagine if this game got succesfull and the word 'dark' was copyrighted, much like how 'edge' was before EA fought it off

[@exterminator9676]

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker does this.

[@johnalogue9832]

Ah, a 45 minute episode from Rerez. "Man, it always takes a while waiting for th-" And then I remember they have to play *through* these tedious games, so they probably have a lot less downtime than one would expect. Your patience is much greater than ours.

[@johnalogue9832]

Also while the "vampires have no soul (er, what exactly does that mean?) and therefore don't appear in cameras, which were believed to capture the soul" bit is new to me, I had thought reflections didn't capture images of vampires because mirrors were silver? Was I wrong about that?

[@gracekim25]

@@johnalogue9832 I think the no soul/camera thing is only related to old school camera not digital stuff and mirrors might be to do with silver

[@philtkaswahl2124]

All of the images used for the intro were hilarious enough, but it was Count Chocula being used for "metrosexual vampire" at the start was the best.

[@Patchwork_Kit]

Dark's art style reminds me of TellTale's comic book style but worse and without the charm. I have no idea if anyone else shares the same thought but even while TellTale's games are jank, I still loved playing it.

[@IanWatson]

Thank god. I'm one of the contributors to VTM Bloodlines' Unofficial Patch, so I was planning out a big WELL ACKTCHULLY comment about their obvious inspiration, but then you finally got there in the end. :) If you look at some of the early trailers for DARK, the inspirations are even more obvious: the blood meter in the upper-left is labelled "Vitae." The term doesn't get used much in Bloodlines specifically, but it's the term used in the Vampire: The Masquerade source material for a vampire's blood. DARK also had a series of four trailers showing off vampire powers, three of which were "Obfuscation," "Domination," and "Presence." No relation at all to VTM's Obfuscate, Dominate, and Presence, I'm sure. I've never played it but those names seem to be absent in what little gameplay I've seen, so they probably changed them after they got rightly dogpiled. I'm giggling thinking about "the ORIGINS of the vampire myth" as meaning "we played Vampire: The Masquerade in college."

[@monkaWGiga]

Thank you and the other talented people who made that patch. It turned a well written but buggy and unfinished game into one the best games I've ever played. Also when they mentioned the terrible dancing my brain immediately clicked to the first time I entered The Asylum and saw all of that glorious dancing.

[@PointsofData]

I only watched one VTM playthrough years ago and I still immediately caught on to the VTM "inspiration". Also yeah, hilarious they talk about THE ORIGINS of the vampire mythology then have stuff like an edgy vampire nightclub with bad techno music which I'm pretty sure fucking _Blade_ originated. So...I guess by "origins" they mean "the take on vampires _I_ grew up with."

[@rushnerd]

Obviously it's not worth a play to most people. I did it for my bad game vids, but I actually really ended up liking the art direction and atmosphere of the game. It kind of gets that part right and gives me the feeling of Hollywood in Bloodlines. Those two games are the only ones that have given me that feeling. It's extremely niche, but I love it.

[@corsaircarl9582]

Yeah, as someone who has avidly played VtM for a while, I've seen what is going on with DARK (More like DORK amirite?)

[@rushnerd]

@@corsaircarl9582 lol yeah, it's in that extremely niche thing that is not explored very much what-so-ever. Not even to mention what a dev hell Bloodlines 2 has become. I just have fond memories of playing DARK for my channel and how it felt.

[@Sparksterchan]

I know people make fun of the dancing animations in Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines, but at least they look like they're kinda having fun, geez. Thank you for once again making a video on a game I've never heard of, always fun to see! Your team is awesome!

[@mar_speedman]

Yeah, I was thinking the entire time "At least they've got groove and don't look like they're dying inside!" but then again DARK makes *anything* look good!

[@loganswalk8621]

A vampire stealth game could be a cool idea taking inspiration from Dishonored would be a great start maybe even a similar chaos mechanic to encourage a pacifist run.

[@demonicloaf2100]

Especially since Eric is creating a new vampire each time he drains a mook dry. If there was actual consequences to just treating every guy you see as a walking blood bank, it could be pretty interesting.

[@theotherjared9824]

Give the game a day-night cycle where you are basically useless in the day and have to stealth around, then are able to go berserk at night while still trying not to draw much attention.

[@NoMind93]

Stephanie Meyer put more love and care into Twilight than the Devs did for this game

[@Rabbitlord108]

Yes. BUT she also used grooming. Which I'm not sure if it's better or worse than this game's plot twist.

[@zephyr8072]

No she didn’t. The whole thing with Jacob and the baby was weird and creepy but it wasn’t grooming. Let’s not go around misrepresenting things for a cheap shot at Twilight.

[@BubbyBold]

@@zephyr8072 can you explain how that wasn't grooming?

[@MintyCoolness]

Hey, she had a vision, and stuck to it, and very much owned it. I can at least respect that~

[@TheBonkleFox]

A lot of it was questionable and creepy, but it wasn't fueled by a raging hateboner. Like i get spite is a good motivator, but this just ain't it

[@captainm8889]

How are there so many elder vamps with horrifically extensive facial scars? Aren't they supposed to....idk heal, keeping them ageless with eternally flawless looking skin.

[@dltr4730]

Also, what could have possibly hurt guys as powerfull as them? Or do they come drunk back home and face-slam into the glasses cabinet?

[@dimitriwarchief301]

Yes

[@MintyCoolness]

It's a bit of a theory that as vampires 'age', they evolve and begin to look less human. Legacy of Kain did something like that, where older vampires look like straight up monsters, while freshly turned vamps stayed mostly humanoid

[@captainm8889]

@@MintyCoolness yeah I get that, if they looked more bat-like or whatever I can buy that but they are just scarred all over the place. They looked like that when they were turned or not at all.

[@supotter377]

They only stay if it looks edgy and ‘cool’

[@rossjohnstone4689]

I love when you guys cover games that are very obscure. Gives them a good and kind of almost creepy vibe in my opinion.

[@fietehermans9903]

I remember Zero Punctuation reviewing this the week after Ride to Hell, calling it ‘Absolute Garbage Awareness Month’

[@twofacetoo75]

It's like a bigfoot siting, but for the internet.

[@Rabbitlord108]

I remember ProJared covered this on his worst games list for the year it came out.

[@Gameboy_1992]

1:10 The Regret he had after drinking it is pure gold comedy

[@Gameboy_1992]

@@emmanuelogban7177 Ah hello fake REREZ :) Edit: There are NO digites

[@Mori-gt2ip]

One does not simply make a virgin bloody Mary, it's the highway or no way.

[@TheRealD-Pad]

Speaking of Twilight, When Breaking Dawn Part One came out my girlfriend at the time wanted me to go see it with her and I had to disappoint her cause I had made plans to see Disney’s The Muppets and she broke up with me cause of that I’m sorry but if I have a choice between a vampire that sparkles and a frog and his group of misfits I’m going with The Frog!

[@liengandriod55]

You made the right choice. You should be proud.

[@CSXIV]

"Aww, it is almost Twilight. Time for Breaking Prawn!"-Pepe the Shrimp (cue explanation about how Pepe is a shrimp, aka "prawn" and Kermit facepalming). Sorry, that was the from the last Muppet parody trailer, called the Final Muppets Parody Trailer (spoiler: no it wasn't).

[@TheRealD-Pad]

@@CSXIV no I remember that and I remember when I saw it I was on the floor laughing my ass off cause I found it insanely funny as heck that The Muppets parodied Twilight

[@andrewcruz1931]

You’ve never had a girlfriend. Let’s be honest here.

[@faggotgirl2659]

If she broke with you becouse of a movie... Well, thats a good thing, that this relationship ended

[@Luigis_Menace]

Here I am, sitting in my room, thinking to myself “Man, I could go for some Just Bad Games right about now.” And behold, you have gifted us another video. Stellar job as always.

[@solidskullz5736]

The games may be bad but their content sure isn’t

[@gracekim25]

@@solidskullz5736 indeed

[@benmalsky9834]

You know what’s a funny coincidence? Eric’s voiced by Doug Cockle, the actor of Geralt, and you say that he seems to be modelled after Channing Tatum, who played Superman in The Lego Movie. And Henry Cavil, who also played Superman in films also played Geralt in The Witcher Netflix series, and so Eric, The Witcher and Superman are all linked in some way!

[@jeanvictor8178]

It's all connected

[@ianfinrir8724]

We're through the looking glass, people.

[@jacobdesioreviews]

It’s insane that this game has such a terrible depiction of vampires it actually makes the twilight vampires look more thoughtful and interesting

[@alichakra]

Had this game on a bootleg DVD in Syria when I was 13 or 14 years old... Seeing it here is absolutely insane!

[@Dynaman21]

A Virgin Bloody Mary? That’s an ill omen to start this review. And yet Shane downed it for our collective entertainment this holiday season. Your sacrifice is appreciated.

[@W-rock]

This game kinda reminds me of 'ride to hell' both in appearance, gameplay & writing. The most interesting part about this game was honestly the developers. I was constantly hoping they would bring up more weird stuff about them. XD

[@felipecosta-kv2fx]

I agree. It feels like it was made by someone who overheard kids talking about video games and what was "cool" at the time without researching it.

[@KasumiRINA]

The thing with Ride to Hell Retribution is that its devs were genuinely okay. They made a few pretty good racing games, C3 Racing and Street Racing Syndicate... But also licensed crap worthy of LJN like 007 Racing and Pimp My Ride game. And a ton of NASCAR games. They were semi-competent but extremely sell-out and clickbaity. A string of failures destroyed them. The dev of Dark is literally having a Steam sale right now. They mostly make strategy games, a banana dictator simulator Tropico and Dungeons series, which look like Dungeon Keeper-inspired games. Haven't played them. Reviews are okay. This seems to be a small time dev dragged into making an AAA game without needed time, budget or experience. Both devs are Western European for what it's worth.

[@loganstewart7105]

Well the guards could be using silver bullets, unlike tom, who could've used regular lead ones, since silver bullets tend to actually harm vampires

[@liamrichardson6830]

I hate myself for this, but since it's a vampire game... My favorite part of the game is when Erick says it's darkin' time and the proceeds to dark all over the place. Truly one of the games of all time.

[@Igotthis3011]

The door is that way pal just go ahead

[@RadicalGarry]

@@Igotthis3011 he can’t leave. The door is morbed shut.

[@Igotthis3011]

@@RadicalGarry 😀✋⬅️✋😐👉🚪

[@andrewcruz1931]

It’s Eric* not Erick .

[@theMilkproductMk2]

"It tastes like taco peed on my tongue!!" honestly sounds the most accurate explanation ever

[@shinyagumon7015]

Thanks for mentioning Vampire: The Masquerade at the End, because this game really feels like the Bargain Bin Mockbuster version of Masquerade, but without the character, world building or the compelling story. Speaking of story, when I saw the premise I through the twist was going to be that Rose (or someone she's working for) knows who bite Eric, but is pretending to not know so he will kill her enemies for her so she can get more power. Which would've been a pretty cliche story ngl, but still leagues better than the convoluted crap we actually got.

[@ZorotheGallade]

That's what happens when the game is directed by the Ventrue, PR is handled by the Gangrel, visuals designed by the Toreador, physics done by the Tzimisce, gameplay mechanics done by the Brujas, and a Malkavian writes the plot.

[@michaelanderson6394]

Haven’t played Bloodlines yet, but I can already tell this is an underrated comment.

[@keenancole7958]

This game needed another 6months to a year of dedicated, grueling, hard work to get to "not broken."

[@weirdotzero7065]

Finally. The Morbius video game i always wanted. Now EVERYONE can Morb!!!

[@samusx2175]

It's Morbin' time!

[@dltr4730]

I loved the part where he says "Time to suck blood" and he sucked all over the place.

[@timmytatoe4248]

What gets me is that stealth games where you're encouraged to leave no one alive can work, Manhunt being the best example, the whole point of that game is to execute every one in the level to get the best rank per level.

[@karmmaroo]

the platforming Assasin's Creed games do this better with the assasin rank!

[@Neyebureturns]

During all the video I was thinking that Rose was going to be the bad guy, and she was sending Eric to kill her vampire rivals so she could become the leader, or something like that.

[@nseven1117]

I've always thought vampires were undead monsters made from having your head pierced by an ancient stone mask crafted by subterranean Aztec body builder

[@Dreigonix]

Steiner must have had the Red Stone of Aja…

[@nseven1117]

@@Dreigonix he has conquered the sun, that explains the skylight

[@petergriffin-tu6ug]

ha AH AHA AH aha aha ah AHA i like it though -u-

[@DonVigaDeFierro]

Yare yare...

[@nseven1117]

@@DonVigaDeFierro daze

[@umbram8073]

As a former angsty gothy vamp teen, I'll have you know that according to true vampire lore, glitchy/buggy vampire games are part of our culture! We're just trolling you mortals with the hype of being a vamp being denied

[@darthcinema4262]

If it ever releases

[@auqustfire]

Turning into a vampire so I'll be alive to play Bloodlines 2 when it finally releases lol

[@Gatorade69]

If you haven't heard of him before check out the KZbinr Grimbeard.

[@monkaWGiga]

And then the cool modders will make the game play as it should have and it will be amazing (and now I need to play VTMB... AGAIN).

[@ventexovakon2178]

I completely forgot about that game.

[@RudoMike21]

Nothing like an vampire in the Christmas season.

[@TheHeroOfTomorrow]

Oh sweet, I loved Two Front Teeth!

[@berzerk130]

it's capitalism. Capitalism is the vampire at Christmastime

[@christophergordon6250]

"It tastes like a taco peed on my tongue!!!" Probably one of the best and most accurate descriptions of a Bloody Mary out there.

[@Quadnick]

Holy crap. Y'all unlocked a repressed memory with this video. I went into it not knowing anything about this game. But when it got to the club, I got this weird deja vu-like feeling that steadily kept increasing with each new bit of information. And finally, the floodgates opened when you showed that it was a stealth game. It's crazy to me how deep in my memory this game was buried.

[@misiu5203]

So Steiner's Vampiric power is that he is immune to the Sun? Does he need to drink blood to keep this power active? If not then he is basically an immortal human, if he does then that is not much a downside.

[@STICKOMEDIA]

Rerez is back and posting what appears to be his Halloween special during Christmas lol

[@jamesshepherd2514]

I was thinking the same thing. Vampires are associated with Halloween, not Christmas.

[@PhazonEnder]

Eh, sometimes subverting expectations works.

[@PurpleWind64]

@@jamesshepherd2514 Except for the mystical Christmas Vampire, but he's one of a kind. He gives presents to the good goth boys and girls. Er, boys and girls that are good at being goth.

[@ieuanhunt552]

I've heard Christmas music and seen Christmas lights October. If Christmas is allowed to arrive three months early then Halloween being three months late is all good in my books.

[@Gatorade69]

Merry Halloween everyone !

[@pootissandvichhere9135]

5:51 another is disco elysium, your character has his memories DESTROYED after a drinking binge, so while his past informs the plot, you build the rest.

[@demontamerbf18]

Sometimes when I'm on the middle of watching one of these "Just Bad Games" videos I start to feel really bad for the guys who had to sit through the game they're reviewing, thanks for your sacrifice.

[@LeSarthois]

To give credit where it's due, about the skydome, the legend that vampires die when exposed to sunlight appeared in cinema. In older legends, vampires can't stand sunlight but it doesn't kill them, or it weaken them to the point they can't use their surnatural powers, but they remain able to behave normally. Also, the older a vampire get, the more powerful it get. So it does make sense that Steiner seems unnaffected by the sunligt but Eric is. There's a few other details in game the developers got "right", which make me suppose at least one of them did read Bram Stoker's Dracula or some documents about "original" vampires (although post-Dracula vampires, as earlier legends are more varied and vague, with vampires sometime appears more as demons or some kind of ghouls rather than the pale, intelligent monster of Bram Stoker). However it's still poorly applied, explained or written.

[@zeldagameryt4018]

The vampire “lore” in this game kinda reminds me of the vampire logic in Blade which just makes me think, WHY NOT MAKE A GAME BASED ON BLADE?

[@burakoshimazaki]

Blade was released on the original Playstation.

[@Dynaman21]

Betcha anything that’s Insomniac’s next project after Wolverine.

[@zeldagameryt4018]

@@Dynaman21 That would be sick, but maybe someone else can make a better Blade game, like maybe the guys who made the Deadpool game since from what I have heard of that game with both melee and gun combat, it was awesome

[@zeldagameryt4018]

@@burakoshimazaki Yeah but from what I’ve read it was terrible, maybe an updated take since they announced Blade will be in the MCU (maybe?)

[@TheTheknightofblack]

That Deadpool game was pretty bad. There were only 4 to 6 different enemy types and the final boss was rather uninspired.

[@lendrigangames]

Also, Malkavians and Nosferatu have stealth-based powers to make you feel like a bad-ass ninja. ... and the rewards for pacifism and genocide are the same.

[@friendlyfire2374]

I hope these guys keep releasing content. Their humor and commentary stands out from the rest of the KZbinrs .

[@judge_dreddpool7593]

Wow, a new Just Bad Games before Christmas? What a great early present!

[@kidkap4]

Rose sounds like the narrator of one of those books that you could have the computer read to you. Those picture books, the ones you would read and then click around the screen.

[@FerHivore]

It feels like every mechanic in this game was implemented separately and all work against each other.

[@alexanderschroder3180]

I Love DARK's Intro, the moment the Speech started, I had Linkin Park in my head on repeat. His wounds will never heal.

[@mrdeatheli]

Bartender here. Whoever made those recipes has no idea what they're doing.

[@michaelanderson6394]

I’m very curious about what they did wrong. Can you elaborate?

[@itsjustbob7649]

I need a 10 hour loop of Eric dancing to an 8bit remix of "Gonna Make You Sweat" so bad

[@oxymoron02]

Calling it after the first boss; Rose is the one who turned Eric, and she's sending him on wild goose chases in order to eliminate her competition.

[@randomistough0]

11:18 that "oh no!" sounded exactly like something I'd hear sonic say in sonic adventure

[@Wnick1996]

Oh Dark, you tried to be the next Bloodlines but you ended up being more like BloodRayne (movie not the game), which is fitting as it fells like it's directed by Boll himself. It's got all the bad game fixings from terrible mechanics to bad voice acting and everything in between. Thanks for (ironically) shinning a light to this forgotten gem

[@SHDW-nf2ki]

I remember this game! It was from that same era in the 7th gen as Ride to Hell where they tried to kill off the 7th gen consoles by releasing the worse games possible for them!

[@nthgth]

It does kinda seem like that lol But then we got Halo 4 and GTAV...

[@Unbound_Selrahc]

Dear god, this game…I found this randomly at GameStop one day when I had a bunch of left over store credit and has played everything that was out that I wanted so I saw a vampire stealth game and went “sure, why not? Can’t hurt?” It’s how I found great gems like Vanquished, Binary Domain, Bayonetta, and the like. Ironically I bought a used version, they went through their drawers, handed me an unwrapped version and went “they’re all like that” and so I took home a brand new version for under $10 and stopped playing within two hours, it’s truly just bad….just horrible.

[@DeuteriumtheSentientMattress]

I appreciate the inclusion of Count Duckula among the vampire montage.