Dealing with guilt about maleness

[@elim9871]

I can definitely relate to this. Before I decided to start HRT this was a huge hang up for me. Living as someone very "in" with the lesbian community for several years I had built up many stereotypes about men, and when I began to explore my own gender identity I felt a lot of guilt for being male. The truth that I have found is that a good person is a good person, and taking testosterone doesn't change that. This being said, the question of if I was going to become this aggressive and forceful guy wasn't ever really the issue. My issue was that I didn't want to be viewed as a threat by women around me, much like the way I have viewed men for some time. I guess I just had to accept that I would need to take the effort to show my kindness to others.... Great topic!!

[@judeezra3199]

This is honestly almost my exact experience. Because of this, I never put a label on my trans feelings and suppressed my dysphoria for a long time. I was even a radfem for a while, and was pretty transphobic just because I hated myself. I'm glad I don't feel that self-hatred and guilt anymore.

[@TheSLOfox]

Jude Ezra I'm glad you don't have those negative feelings anymore either! That's awesome.

[@keloreilly7017]

I find that females who accept their maleness and make the decision to live their lives as the male they feel/know they are...seem to be NATURALLY male. Natural vs manufactured ( by society). It's a beautiful thing to see and our society will be better for it. Thank You, for lending your clear voice to this subject.

[@xxDanRayxX]

Ahh, thank you for this. I've searched for so long trying to find a video of someone who shared this sentiment, but I couldn't, until now. The topic in your video has been my biggest hurdle to overcome. As the only biological female in a conservative family of brothers, I grew up to be a feminist, thus I felt it was my responsibility to prove stereotypes wrong and be a strong, successful women. The first hurdle came when, I thought I was lesbian, a very butch one in particular. I struggled to reconcile with it, especially because when my older brother and I fought, he called me a 'butch man hating lesbian liberal', as an insult. It BURNED ME UP that he used butch, liberal and feminist as dirty words. It made no logical sense to me because none of those were bad things. As a result, I tried very hard to be a strong feminine women to prove him, and everyone else, wrong. I wanted to prove women, and feminists in particular, were more than just 'ugly butch man-haters'. But I struggled so hard because the more I tried to set an example, the more disconnected and depressed I became, and the more feminine I tried to be, the more I felt like I was in drag. It became so bad that when I looked in the mirror I felt that the person staring back it me, was not myself. It was only after years of struggling, one suicide attempt, and recovery from an opiate addiction, that I accepted myself as transgender. It took me so long because I not only did I feel like I was betraying females, but I was raised to think transgender people were unnatural, which caused a deep unease within myself. But now, at 19, I've accepted that I am, in fact, male, and that's okay. Males can be vulnerable and compassionate, males can be an allies to women, and being trans is more than okay. That's my spiel. Sorry for the ramble and thanks again for the video.

[@TheSLOfox]

+Argonaut You explain your experience well! I can relate to much of what you say. Thanks for sharing that!

[@catboyhole]

i never really realized it until you pointed it out but this is actually one of my biggest fears. i am a huge feminist too and i have always cared about women's rights. the idea that all men are inherently evil is obviously wrong. i really connect with the fear of being interpreted the wrong way. there are some really bad guys out there, but i don't have to be one of them. honestly, i am a huge softie and i am just coming to terms with how my personality and gender are related.

[@TheSLOfox]

Firert I'm glad you can relate! It's interesting how this issue has decreased for me as I've gone through my first year of transition--after processing this "guilt" last year, I feel quite comfortable in myself and my version of masculinity and maleness now. best wishes to you!

[@catboyhole]

TheSLOfox thank you! :-)

[@westonezrah485]

I went through the some of the same guilts that you did. As I was coming about in the very very beginning of my transition, I had a really hard time because I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to be a feminist any more or that people wouldn't see me as a 'real' feminist. I also hard a really hard time because I felt that I was turning my back on everything that I had fought for, or that other woman had fought for, for me. This was incredibly hard for me to get past. I talked it over with my wife because I was really weighing on me, and she told me that I could be a perfect feminist because I knew both sides of the coin, and if I were around men that were anti-feminist, I could perhaps change their view. I have really taken this to heart and will use this. It helped me come to terms with who I am. I do still feel guilt sometimes though. Especially because on the phone at work many people assume that I am male, so I get male privilege in that I will tell my customers the same things that I always did before, but now they believe me. Right away. And its weird, but I feel bad that I don't have to struggle as much with people and other women do. My wife does. I can't help it, but it makes me sad. So I totally understand.

[@Jasper-or7ui]

You will never know how much this video and the *how i knew i was not transgender* video have helped me to see a gigantic part of myself that I've been 100% avoiding my entire life. I am guilty and shameful about the male aspect of myself, for multiple reasons and personal experiences with horrible men. It is a fear thats turned into a phobia and rage mixed with hatred. And I feel as if I am just like those men if I completely acknowledge my maleness. I am terrified of it, so much so that I've trained myself to forget about that part of myself and push it down for my entire life. I know at some point early in my life I knew i was in the wrong body. And the very first thing I learned about men was all the horrid things they could do to women. I have a lot of self discovery to do, and a lot of emotional and mental blocks to move past before I can fully accept myself as male. So thank you so so much for these videos, you made the first step possible for me. And that's realisation. Much love, and hope you're doing well.

[@TheSLOfox]

+punchie17 Thank you! I am so glad to hear that my videos have been helpful for you. Sounds like you have some complex stuff to work through. I hope you're able to get to place of peace and self-acceptance! There are many men out there who are kind and wonderful, and you can be that type!

[@ClosetTransgender]

I don't relate to this at all, but I love hearing you talk about it. Important for sure. It's weird remembering getting great positive attention for being a masculine as a woman, and thinking to myself, I am representing to women that they can push hard out of their roles and through their boundaries-- but really I am a guy doing it. Now that I am a guy I get all kinds of credit for being sensitive and more chill, "less typical" it's a funny flip. You will be a powerful feminist man.

[@ClosetTransgender]

I mean, not "powerful" but empowered and empowering to others. Men and women. You are needed in the world.

[@sirgroot9]

ClosetTransgender what you're saying=yes!!! you and austin are making very good points! i came at it from a slightly different aspect, but basically...yes. i'm very afraid of expectations and being "lumped in" if you will. thank you, forest, for letting me know that i will be accepted somewhere for straying from the norm, if not for my sensitivity! what a great way to start the day, great feelings! and thank you to austin for making this video! very true points made.

[@wadewinstonwilson3584]

This is ages old but I'm struggling to figure myself out right now,, and I feel that about writing only male characters.. I also always made male avatars on everything,, I thought that's the universal experience, honestly

[@tobyr3]

You express yourself better than most people I've seen in this community. This perspective was really needed. As a cis guy I've always resented being initially viewed as a potential threat by most women. A large segment of men's culture have been responsible for generating that fear and have left many guys in a position to have to prove themselves to be otherwise. That is one of the difficulties that many tame guys have to contend with.

[@TheSLOfox]

It's interesting to hear your perspective as a cis man. Thanks!

[@bisforbroccoli830]

I love your videos. You always talk about things no one else talks to and it's really helpful

[@poly88888888]

I enjoy very much your topics. You always pick really intresting things to talk about. I can definitely relate. I am 24 and one of the reasons i didn't transition earlier is this "guilt". I was trying to convince myself that i feel like this because my masculinity didn't match with the stereotypical society view on women, or that i had to stay "true to my beliefs" on how men and women are not different. But then i understood that being a men is not equal to being a rapist, or to be macho and dick to women. And when i accepted my own self i started to notice around me men who had exactly the same views with me. A lot of men feel trapped to their own masculinity (how society expect them to be etc.) I think men and women are equally victims on this. So being your self, being a man or a woman with your own unique way is a great start to change those stereotypes :)

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for that! I agree that stereotypical gender roles/expectations do hurt both men and women.

[@fluffdragonpurrsonal6287]

I know this is an old video but I'm very glad to see a video about this, I went through something very similar when coming to terms with my gender as a teenager. I was struggling with gender at the same time as being introduced to very loud and abrasive feminism; obviously not representative of the entire movement, but they were people who were young like I was and who were angry with men and hateful towards them as a result, who repeated things such as "kill all men" and similar ideologies. That scared me so much that I refused to see myself as male, telling myself if I was genderfluid I could still be called female while not identifying that way. It took me a long time to overcome my fear of being male and accept that I am FtM. I'm glad to see that you are willing to share your experiences and to know I was not alone in that. Thank you for taking the time to discuss that in a video. I hope it can help other people who are feeling afraid or guilty, too.

[@shahabsara1760]

Thanks for the video Austin! I can so relate to your guilt about maleness, although I should say in a slightly different context... I am a homosexual man and for a long time I used to be very uncomfortable with the nature of gay relationships especially the sex part. I used to see it all in terms of powerplay. I also found the community very conformative. So yeah, like you, "thinking" used to get in the way of "feeling" and it made very agitated . I am glad those days are (almost) over. :D

[@TigersRoarStudios]

I love your videos, Austin. Almost all of them reflect how I feel, although I'm not so sure yet about my maleness. A lot of the time, when I feel down, I can go to your channel and watch one of your videos and it's so nice to hear someone going through some of the same things, it helps balance things out for me and I don't feel so weird. You're like a friend to me. Thank you so much for your wonderful videos and I hope you are happy with whatever you decide to do.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you so much! I appreciate that. I am so glad that my videos make a difference for you.

[@rva-oh6jy]

Wow this is exactly the issue I've struggled with for years and why I haven't just transitioned already! Thank you Allen, I had no idea that other ftm's felt this way. In fact, I thought it was my life long struggle with being treated poorly by men and poorly by women for not being a man that separated me from a true ftm. I'm sure I'm not the only person to mistakenly believe that ftm's who actually transition are different in the sense that they have always and only identified as male. Therefore, in some way either agreed with poor treatment from men when they received it or insisted they be treated as a male by everyone. If one cuts to the core of this struggle it comes down to your own feelings of self worth. Now wether that's nature or nuture idk but believing you matter not just to yourself, but others is key to overcoming these feelings. GREAT VID THANKS AGAIN!

[@WyldFire777]

I relate to this so much. I definitely need to think about this a lot more. I'm DFAB and currently identify as genderqueer, and there have been a few reasons I've been hesitant to transition. This, subconsciously, is probably a big one. Definitely something for me to think about.

[@martyrepka2151]

You've probably seen it already, but the documentary Boy I am talks a bit about this among other things like class and whiteness Boy I Am, TRAILER. Also this poetry slam by Janani talks about what kind of man you can be Janani - "trans/national" (CUPSI 2013). Looking forward to more vids! Thanks! /MartyStockholm

[@CaptainUrielVentris7]

Its interesting to hear it from the other direction as it may be. These problems are part of what makes it hard for me to know how I feel, gender questioning is full of 'is it really X' and part of that is me feeling a sort of male guilt, do I just not like what I feel male is percieved as? I know its not exactly logical but the related ideas still stick, I catch myself assuming people hate me a lot for affluence, maleness, whiteness, the assorted guilts.

[@MainelyButch]

Wow, GREAT video...I can really relate to this line of thought! It's true, it's guilt and shame about being so masculine, I just watched another video by a couple of lesbians who were dissing on Butch's and Studs...and even THEY made me feel guilty! Excellent conversation to start here! I am going to TRY to put together a response video! :)

[@TheSLOfox]

Cool! Thanks, Ang! I'd love to see a video with more of your thoughts on this. :)

[@AtNT26]

I can totally relate to a very visceral response to violence against women. I think, for me, this comes from being part of a military environment for so long and hearing men talk so nonchalantly about violence/rape/sexual assault against women. Seriously, things I just couldn't believe came out of the mouths of my fellow soldiers. People I generally respected. It was mind blowing and made me extremely angry. I've always been surprised by the level of anger this has incited in me, not having been assaulted or harassed myself.

[@devinlupei5071]

I've always identified with male characters too and I write stories with mostly male characters.

[@Vrwtlh]

Don't think I'm super weird or anything or do I don't care but your voice is so calm and sophisticated sounds but yet still interesting! Its so awesome! Lol

[@AtNT26]

I think this has also played a large role in my feelings of guilt around maleness. It has lessened over time in the transition. Mostly now I strive to just be a good man and show women (and other men) that there are good, kind, caring men in the world.

[@astrog8tr]

Actually agree with/identify with a lot of what you are talking about. I'm quite a lot older than you are and I was very active in the women's movement.

[@adrimo100]

It's incredible how our gender identity is inmune to what we think or what the society teach us. And how we can't change it even if we want.

[@krozem45]

dont stop making videos bud. we need you.

[@anxiousanxious22]

I struggle with this too! I really appreciate you making this video and know that other people have felt this too! My view of maleness has changed a lot since starting T and having surgery and socially identifying as male. Maybe I will make a video about this too....

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! I'd love to see a video from you that relates to this. :)

[@RockinUK]

Good video Austin. I've experienced violence from men and women, so I don't feel comfortable around the feminist groups that blame all violence on men, though I do understand there is a power problem to be resolved. I feel sorry for guys who feel they have to man up and act tough or rough, against their own true gentleness. I'm lucky to have met some really nice, gentle men in my lifetime so I model myself on them. They're still gentler than me!! The thing that has caused me the most problems with coming out as trans is that I have on occasion been held up as some kind of role model for women through various aspects of my life and I feel I'm letting those women down by saying... oops I'm a man really. But I can't afford to worry about that because it's distressing carrying on through life not being understood as who I am... a guy... so now I'm trying to honour that side of myself. I think it's a similar internal struggle to what you're experiencing, and I've had a similar opening of my understanding of my own masculinity.

[@TheSLOfox]

Yes, I know what you mean about being like a role model to women, and then [potentially] "leaving them" to be a man. But I guess we can't all do everything; some people will end up as real role models to women and some will end up as role models to someone else! :)

[@weirdopal1]

Thanks for making this video! I've been struggling with the decision to go on T or not. But when I look at all the pros and cons, it seems that my only reasons for not wanting to go on T are political. It's scary to think about becoming a part of the patriarchy. But in a way, you will have more power as a feminist to influence other men. Because men listen to other men.

[@TheSLOfox]

It's nice to hear from you! Yes, I understand the political hesitations. But I guess we've got to do what feels right on a personal, inner level, ultimately... but it is hard to work through all this in one's mind, I know that!

[@tesscrazy]

Again, can definitely relate to a lot of this stuff. Felt a lot of reluctance to embrace too much of my masculinity and felt a fair bit of shame and like my feelings couldn't possibly be valid. And I think some of that comes from perceiving men in a certain way (having been continually disrespected, and let down by men since adolescence). The way I have been getting around this way of thinking is to tell myself that others won't always perceive me the way I would perceive men, so I can't assume what people would think of me. Though I think it's understandable to be angry towards people who would assume you must be a certain way if you ID as male, I also think it's something that should be dealt with delicately - some people may have genuine reasons to feel automatically unsafe around men (I often think of it like a kid who got bit by a dog - you'd understand why they might end up being afraid of all dogs from then on). So I think it's fair that some people might have that reaction and need men to be patient and supportive. But I suppose the trick is to separate out those who are just judgemental from those who are guarded. Anyway, also really related to the thing about stories. I think I had a much more positive view on boys when I was a child (as opposed to a teenager), and I remember writing a story with a male protagonist for school and the teacher asking me why I didn't write it about a girl. I remember thinking that it was because the character could be more like me, but I don't think I was brave enough to respond as such. Really interesting sort of thing to reflect on now though. It seems like I was much more aware of my gender when I was 8 or 9 than when I was 14.

[@TheSLOfox]

I can really relate to what you said about being more aware of your gender at a younger age, as opposed to the age of 14. While I wouldn't personally say that I was AWARE of my gender as a kid, I FELT it and lived it much more than I did as a teenager. Interesting. It's very cool to hear someone else who had a similar thing going on. And yes, I agree that many people have been traumatized by violence and have real reasons to be wary of men, or whatever type of person violated them. I deeply respect this.

[@tesscrazy]

TheSLOfox [nod] yeah, i think the ways people responded to my expressing my gender at a very young age made me feel like it was something to be ashamed/embarrassed of so I minimised it. I cut my hair when I was 11, and loved it, but got so sick of all the harassment I got about it that I grew it out. And everyone was so happy when I finally caved, but it was definitely a reluctant decision. I'm sure there were various other gender-policing moments that lead me to deny my own feelings.

[@ChaseBenjaminCollects]

Your feeling of guilt or feeling of being scared to be this like... Violent being of a man, is exactly what I feel right now. It's hard to try to accept that I can be a kind and caring man and I don't have to be mean or extremely strong... It seems like such a easy thing to know... But it's harder to feel. I don't have the same past as you, obviously, but I've always seen women as equal and have wanted them to be treated as they should be treated. I think also, I've always been surrounded by women in my life, so to identify as a male... I feel like some of the women may be scared of me. I don't want to be judged on the fact that I am male... And the first thing that people think is that I am this gross sexiest prick... Which in all honesty, a lot of men are NOT that. But I feel like everyone still thinks it when they first meet a man. They're wondering whether he's someone to be scared of or not. I want to be able to be comfortable with myself as male or whatever I am... And to know that I can actually challenge the male stereotype and allow people to see that their are caring and kind and great men out there. That they just need to give me and others a chance. It's crazy to be on the other side of it... Knowing how hard it must be for the guys who aren't strong or may be a bit more emotional... I just wish I could hug them all and say that they're not alone and that it's okay! Wow... That was a lot. But I'd love to speak with you and anyone else who feels the same way.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Yeah, it can be hard to get to the point of feeling it rather than just realizing it intellectually. What helped me was to be treated as a man by people who love me and want me, to be respected and appreciated. Then I could truly feel that such people want men, good men, in their lives, and that I could be that.

[@LivingInAFantasy16]

You make sense. Don't worry

[@Jasper-or7ui]

*the how i did not know video (my bad sorry)

[@AXharoth]

fucking stereotypes will never die