Death is Inevitable - Grief is Not | Jennifer Mathews | TEDxAshland

NOTE FROM TED: This talk only represents the speaker’s personal understanding of the grief. Some viewers may find elements of this talk to be distressing or objectionable. TEDx events are independently organized by volunteers. The guidelines we give TEDx organizers are described in more detail here: storage.ted.com...
After the love of her life died in 2011, Jennifer Mathews wondered why she wasn't devastated. How could she still be happy? She questioned herself for years, and then she began questioning the cultural expectation of grief itself. What if grief is not inevitable after all? In this personal and unconventional talk, Jen challenges us to break free from the limitations and language of a “grieving process” and change the way we think about and respond to the death of those we love. She combines life stories and tools with references to recent research on grief, opening up new possibilities for emotional wellbeing when navigating death. Jennifer Mathews is a self-proclaimed spiritual cheerleader who loves meditation as much as she loves microphones. After her beloved died in 2011, Jen became passionate about sharing life-affirming perspectives on grief and loss through her writing, workshops, and presentations. She is on a mission to shift cultural messages that hold us back from joy and to help people connect to the spirit of who they are. Jen is a founding member and active organizer of the Ashland Death Cafe and the Living/Dying Alliance of Southern Oregon. As part of the Community Outreach and Education team of the award-winning film Death Makes Life Possible, she has facilitated conversations on death, dying, and the afterlife in the US, the UK and Ireland. Jen lives in Mount Shasta, California or wherever her camper van takes her. She is unapologetic for applauding when she sees rainbows, shooting stars, or bioluminescence. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@jessicamahmed]

When she described herself as an ‘optimistic person’ I was thrown! People are optimistic? By default?

[@janetsplace1953]

you read this all wrong!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Hi Jessica. There are studies of people's personalities and temperaments and some of us are more naturally optimistic, while others are more naturally pessimistic. Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism is a very interested read, if that appeals to you (though more academic). I feel I had an advantage because optimism comes more easily to me while others may need to "learn" that perspective. Hope that helps! - Jen

[@maehaslet]

Oh my I'm reading some of these comments and just losing it. Such an emotionally charged conversation and some really beautiful stories being shared. Thank you Jennifer for creating this space and opportunity for people to share in this way.

[@darrellrussell7259]

it is a really sensetive topic, I think that is what triggered everything

[@kenoxfps8598]

people have been through a lot and we cannot even imagine their pain

[@kenanxo7384]

some people have a burden that not many of us could carry

[@maehaslet]

@Sheelah Svancara well even death is only temporary

[@barrywells2020]

as a sensitive person I cried the whole way through

[@pizza-addict]

This is the kind of shift in perspective we need as a society. Throwing away the old programming and actually thinking and feeling for ourselves, heck yeah!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you!! Yes yes, throw away old programming ... Unlearning what is "automatic pilot" and authentically responding to life and to death. I'm with you 100%!

[@avajayden1729]

What a breath of fresh air! The emphasis on laughter as a tool for healing is so beautiful

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed the talk and hope you can use unconditional laughter as a tool in your own life in a way that's valuable for you.

[@Twitchisme]

Honour the deceased's memory by celebrating a life well lived. Their triumphs, passions, favourite movie, meal and red wine

[@jennifermathews3633]

Indeed, calling someone's presence forth in real time is a great way to honor and celebrate their continued impact in our own lives. Thanks for your comment!

[@b0i-oh-bOi]

People have known death is a thing forever. And yet, we still have no clue how to talk about it.

[@KozomoBlur]

Your talk has made me rethink my own beliefs about grief. It's empowering to consider that there are different ways to respond to death. Your laughter therapy sounds like a wonderful coping mechanism.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for letting me know that the talk has helped you rethink your own beliefs, and that it's been empowering for you to do that. That's something I hope we all do regularly, myself included! All the best, Jen

[@hazelcarterauthor]

Thank you for this. My husband died from MND/ALS 4.5 years ago. I find it very painful when the grief bubbles up and need a different response. I sometime can discover the silver lining and feel blessed for the 13 years we had together . Sadly the 18 months I cared for him in our home have left me somewhat emotionally battered. Will try to laugh more.

[@sadzigrezoh]

The laughter therapy is such a unique and positive approach. It's refreshing to hear a perspective that goes beyond the traditional expectations of grief.

[@ulisseditaque]

I cannot imagine the people who have left this place before me, wanted me to suffer because they were gone.

[@lizbeethgonzalezhernandez]

How true Ulisse.

[@briannavantifcampen]

when I go I want people to celebrate my life not cry about my death.

[@kaymitchell4935]

💕 💞 💓yes💕 💞 💓

[@bonniehavel]

What a brave and lovely talk, letting go with love is the best way to go.

[@chewysbacka]

I needed to see this.

[@PrincessStrangeLove]

Her perspective makes a lot of sense to me. Life should be celebrated, not lamented... even when it's lost.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Glad you can relate, thank you!

[@artcornish3520]

I've never thought about grief in this way! Clearly your experience is so unlike how we're conditioned to behave... it's really thought-provoking to be offered a different lens to view the experience of grief through

[@jennifermathews3633]

I love that you see this talk as thought-provoking since that is my hope, that it will generate conversations and the possibility to look at how we respond to death differently, free from conditioning (even if that means we feel deep sadness, at least we can experience that genuinely rather than being taught that it is the only way). I'm glad my experience can be of value to others. - Jen

[@majandess]

Oh, thank you! My husband and soulmate died earlier this year, and I have been wondering what is wrong with me. After he died, I felt the strongest feelings of gratitude and community that I have ever had. I felt trapped by "grief culture" - it was stifling, creepy, and just felt wrong - and I tried to find some way to escape it. And while I miss my husband so much, I'm doing better than I ever thought. Yes, there are times when his absence is palpable, and there are times when I cry. But mostly, I'm happy. And it's so difficult to explain to people because we just don't have adequate language for it.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you for taking the time to share about your experience. Yes, I truly hope more and more people will see how expecting grief as the only response to death doesn't truly reflect many of our experiences when a loved one dies. The main experience for some of us is connection and joy, and the cultural idea that "the more you love, the more you grieve" just isn't accurate. Sometimes or for some of us, the more you love someone, the more joy and gratitude you feel! And that is a beautiful thing to be honored rather than questioned. May your journey be filled with your husband's sweet presence.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so glad we can find the resonance with one another and allow ourselves to feel joy despite the expectation of grief. All the best to you!

[@russhearn]

I lost my wife of 33 years last month to Covid? I know I understand

[@sheilalindsay]

thats beautiful...

[@charlievantas]

This is so tragic and so beautiful, I don't know you majandess but your story and Jennifers hit me deeply, bless you.

[@5MinutePsychology]

Death is inevitable. And grief, in my opinion is, too. It's just that we all go through it in a different way. Not everyone needs to cry their heart out to grief. Sometimes grief has a bitter-sweet taste of a loss and love.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for your comments here. I agree that we all respond different to death, it's just that for some of us, it's not with much sadness (aka grief). I know the word grief tends to mean the range of emotions, but I do hope that we will have new language so that the implication isn't that we all "grieve" when the word still has the connotation of sadness. I would say that sometimes our "response to death" has a bittersweet taste of loss and love! Indeed!

[@suebakernottly]

You said it perfectly Jenn. I lost my dad in 2010, mom 2012, daughter 2016, son 2020, and my husband of 21 years December 18, 2022. The waves keep coming, but you do ride them out. It takes time for sure. Some days it seems hard to breathe. Thanks for your wonderful talk.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you, Sue, for your comment. You experienced so many deaths in such a short time, and I can appreciate the waves that come as you readjust (I'd say we have choice points almost daily of how we readjust to a loved one's death). It sounds like you are allowing yourself to notice your own feelings, which I find so crucial. My heart does go out to you with all of these losses. And may the presence of each of them be in your life as often as you wish.

[@wiltjackson]

Thank you for sharing your story. The fact that we expect people to act a certain way and say things like "oh they're in denial" or "It hasn't hit them yet" when they don't is pretty messed up when you think about it.

[@debtfreedivas8513]

I find it fascinating - so many commenters reacted, commenting on GRIEF experiences when the speaker talked about survivor response to DEATH experience. We have been culturally taught that GRIEF is the NORM after DEATH, when the research [and the presenters experience, and my experience] shows there are multiple responses after death. GRIEF is 1 of those responses. JOY/CONNECTION is a response. One is not "better" or "worse" or "believeable" or "wrong". May we all have the honor to experience whatever emotions we have after the DEATH of a loved one. ❤

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you!! I wrote 2 replies to you, and they seem to have disappeared. My apologies! The gist is yes yes yes I am so glad that you resonate and "get it" from your own experience. I am hopeful that these new perspectives of death and how we respond will become a more common conversation many people have.

[@victhatsme]

I felt liberated after listening to Jennifer. My best friend died recently, after a battle with cancer and I was grateful she wasn't suffering any more.

[@jennifermathews3633]

I'm so glad to hear that the talk was liberating for you. Yes, you can be grateful and at peace with your friend's death and deeply love her at the same time!! Thanks for taking the time to comment.

[@jackrichards9402]

I can't imagine how confusing Jennifers emotional response would have felt for her. When you've been told you need to respond to something a certain way - to not have the feelings that everyone describes as natural could easily make you feel like there was something wrong with you.

[@jennifermathews3633]

I appreciate you understanding that it was confusing based on the expectations from others, that if I truly loved Kate, I would be devastated. I want others to know that they might have a connected and joyful response to a loved one's death as well, and that there's nothing wrong with them either! While it's important to self-reflect and be aware of if you are repressing or avoiding your feelings when someone dies, it's also important to know that you might be emotionally stable and well-adjusted because of your connection and love, and not have the expected grief others imagine. Thanks again!

[@MisterekMr]

This is important. It's a reminder that individuals have unique ways of coping and there's no right or wrong way to navigate emotionally tricky situations.

[@simonoshlor]

Grief as a process we must go through. We just have to intellectualise everything. Just feel and acknowledge.

[@donthegiese]

I find this very hard to contemplate, I miss my mum so much... It hurts and still does.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Hi Don. My heart goes out to you. We all respond to death differently, so be gentle with yourself and your inner process.

[@rebelneycha]

@@katfisch7119 ​ I wholeheartedly agree. Society’s censoring of pain versus joy or laughter could not be more obvious. I’ve been in private practice for more than two decades and cultivating safe spaces that allow others to bear witness to their pain has by far been what my clients needed more support for and permission to do. I support the experience of authentic joy, laughter, peace and optimism. I ALSO strongly believe we must have reverence for the difficult emotions and trust that they have value too. Otherwise the toxic positivity that you refer to will continue to take an incalculable toll on society. Don, I wish you strength of heart to mourn. And may you find all that you need.

[@valeriezushin9419]

This does not apply to some losses!

[@scottvboland]

Pretty blown away by her ability to find connection and gratitude. Definitely turning the idea that grief is the only response on its head

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks! To me the key to finding connection and gratitude are practicing these BEFORE something challenging such as the death of someone we love happens in our lives. Then we already have the tools and can better apply them, even regarding death.

[@the1onlyisme]

Absolutely agree that grief is not the only authentic response to death. When my grandmother died at 93 I was so relieved. The poor woman was just in constant pain, couldn't do anything and had been miserable for years.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for sharing your experience here! - Jen

[@billy-martin]

I went to a friends fathers Irish Wake, we laughed and cried and felt his life in full. I get this!

[@jhonusalazar]

I have an Irish friend and he talks about wakes too.

[@rongigz]

Love me a good wake!!!

[@matveykoshelev]

the way it should be!

[@zackarnold1560]

Those whom we loved never really leave us. They live on forever in our hearts, and cast their radiant light onto our every shadow.

[@valenciaponomarenco]

i feel this on so many levels

[@helenimnotready]

Thats what makes existence so perfect!

[@pengzhou6952]

Laughter coach sounds like the most beautiful occupation. No wonder you have such a joyous outlook, even on death 💜

[@jennifermathews3633]

Ha ha, yes it was quite fun and potent! Changed my life in many ways. Thanks for respecting and seeing how practicing laughter as a tool could influence my response to death. YAY!

[@jacquelinebrumbaugh]

I think her perspective on death and grief is refreshing! We all cope in different ways and her journey is real proof of that.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you! Your words are exactly what I was hoping people would get ... that my experience is just one example (aka proof) that we all experience death of loved ones differently, and all of it is okay.

[@T.norton]

I have serious doubts, about this. For my is kind of disturbing, seeing a love one died in front of you is nothing beautiful and joyful.

[@jennifermathews3633]

For me it's all a matter of perspective and how we see things, esp. life and death. I can be "disturbed" by no longer having my loved one in the physical, but amazed at how human life is temporary and what a gift it is to support someone on their journey, even when that journey is leaving the human body. I don't really expect others to understand, but I do ask for the spaciousness for us each to have our own responses to death, whether that's heartbreak or gratitude and connection. Be well!

[@gretaallison]

The buzz from that beautiful love Jennifer had is going to last the rest of her life. May she continue sharing this message of celebrating unconditional love.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Indeed!! Thank you so much for seeing that this talk is really about unconditional love. You are exactly right!!

[@janegeegeehogge]

This talk is definitely polarizing and judging from the comments some people don't seem to get it. Personally I'm grateful for the perspective you're presenting here Jennifer. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who doesn't grieve their loved ones.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for your comments! I'm glad you know you're not alone in your experience. And yes, the talk is controversial when people think I'm saying they shouldn't grieve or be grieving, or that they should do it differently. But as you know, that's not the point. The point is to speak publicly about how some of us have a different relationship to death, which doesn't include heartache and sadness.

[@milagroczarnecki]

Her call for a cultural shift in how we respond to death is powerful. We should embrace diverse responses to loss.

[@jennifermathews3633]

YES!! Thank you for seeing that my sharing is about a cultural shift! Exactly.

[@alextwarburton]

In a world where everything we want is at the touch of a button, not being able to have access to someone we love so easily is almost unthinkable and when it happens, our world falls apart. People are living longer and longer; we even have control over how the natural world impacts us for most part. I believe it is going to be harder for people to accept death in generations to come. Inner exploration is becoming a lost art.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Interesting point, Alex. Indeed, inner exploration is such a key piece to how to respond to death. I too wonder if death will be easier or harder to face over time, for future generations. I have seen that more people - including younger people in their teens, 20s, and early 30s - are considering and thinking about death and dying more than ever. There has been a shift in willingness to have conversations about death, which is hopeful. My hope is that people will begin to see that they can have access to their loved ones on a different level after death, and that even though they can't call or FaceTime them, they can still connect. I find connection to be an antidote for loss, but as you say, people need to tend to their inner life to get there. Thanks for your thought-provoking comments! - Jen

[@Geoffpaxton]

@@jennifermathews3633 This response gave me tingles. I hope for a world like this in the future for me and the people I love.

[@borleyboo5613]

My sisters husband just died. He was my brother in law and much loved by all of his family. I honestly cannot imagine ‘laughing’ in that forced and false-sounding manner about his death or remembering him like that. We do share laughter when we talk about David, but it’s real and loving and genuine. It’s helped my sister and her children and me very much.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for sharing your experience, and my heart goes out to your sister, you, and your family. I wouldn't suggest laughing about anyone's death, honestly. Laughing "on purpose" can be a way to shift energy, and to let go of holding on to the struggle or grief, if only for a few moments. In this talk, I offer laughter as a "tool" - just allowing the body to laugh without anything being funny - and then allowing it to inform whether we are holding on to our emotional state in the moment or not. All the best as you continue to remember him together.

[@trustfactornow]

I think maybe you've missed the point of this talk and she's certainly not suggesting you need to laugh about your loved one or their death

[@laycienega]

I like this a lot. So many people think the only reason to not feel upset by a death is because you didn't actually like them that much but I think it's much healthier to approach death in this way. It is a natural part of life, not like anything horrible has happened to them that they have to live through. Plenty of worse things than death.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes, exactly, people tend to think if someone isn't sad enough, they weren't close to the person or didn't really love them. We tend to buy into this, and then we believe that we need to hold on to the sadness because we loved the person, and that no longer being sad shows disloyalty or dishonoring. Part of my hope is that people see that it's okay to accept death in a deep way as part of life and find our way to presence and gratitude. Thank you!

[@hasnain-jeelani]

Everyone overcomes the grief in their own way

[@jennifermathews3633]

Indeed! Which includes not feeling much or any grief, depending on perspectives, inner tools, experiences, and practices.

[@1henrythomas]

I can feel sad and happy at the same time, to remember my mother brings tears and also wonderment of the things she did.

[@leposunce6016]

Actually, I feel the same about my grandmother

[@ma-T-oxic]

“When someone we love dies, we’re taught to ignore most of the tools we already have for well being because we are supposed to grieve instead”. This line took me by complete surprise

[@jennifermathews3633]

I'm so curious to hear what took you be surprise about this statement. I hope the sentiment is helpful to you and others. I have found that when people encounter challenging times, they often use their tools (gratitude, refocus, find their way back to center, connect, etc.) but when it comes to death, we are taught that the only thing we are supposed to feel is grief. And therefore we aren't "supposed to" use positive tools to cope because we are expected to grieve. To me, it's important to be aware of if we are truly still experiencing grief, or if we are staying in grief because of expectations. I suggest that we can use our tools for wellbeing - whatever they are - even when dealing with death.

[@jonathanvallers]

5 stages of grief. This is a must listen, you'll be surprised by what you don't know.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for encouraging others to listen, Jonathan, so that we can support one another in our own experiences rather than boxing each other (and ourselves) into certain ideas and expectations!

[@noahjerted]

I love the idea of choosing where to focus-on absence or presence.

[@jennifermathews3633]

I'm currently writing a book about this exact practice! Thanks for sharing that you appreciate the idea.

[@WilliamJCroft]

What's implied here, but not explicitly stated, is that we can continue the relation and even communications with our loved ones, after transition. There are many accounts of those who have experienced this. Perhaps a new normal for our culture --as it existed certainly in past indigenous cultures. In acknowledgment of this aspect, in those times, the passing was a celebration of new beginnings and opportunities.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes!! That concept would be too spiritual for this venue, though a connection after death is absolutely my experience and contributed to my gratitude and joy. Thank you for stating that here. May we all have more and more conversations about this continuation of relationship in new forms!

[@EveningTV]

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross actually wrote about the 5 stages of dying and it got sort of hijacked and then popularized and criticized as the 5 stages of grief. I lost a son to a drug. overdose a few years ago and found myself grieving more over abuse and dead relationships with living people, and my son has continued to be a living presence in my life. I'm not as grief free as this woman, but I understand the sentiment.Thank you.

[@jennifermathews3633]

My heart goes out to you with the death of your son. Thank you for sharing here, and for expressing your awareness of your own grief and how it was more related to other dynamics. So important that we talk openly about that piece! Thank you. (And yes, "hijacked" is a good word for the 5 stages, since they are about dying rather than grief). All the best to you, sincerely. - Jen

[@florenciaconde3817]

It's so cool to come across stuff like this, I think we're really entering an age where people are freely questioning the societal programming and "expected" response to things. Maybe it's a reflection of us connecting to our emotions and actually being brave enough to feel them and act accordingly

[@jennifermathews3633]

You totally get it! Yes, it's about questioning societal messages and expectations. To truly reflect and be more aware of our emotions and what is genuine for us. Thanks for commenting!

[@mattgruic]

I've always believed that there's no 'right' way to grieve. Your story reinforces that idea.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for your comment! Exactly, when we get past the idea of "grieving" as the only way, we can open up to more genuine responses to death for ourselves and others.

[@thejanicej]

Grief is such a strange thing I find. I have had people, or experiences, I've had to grieve, I've also had to grieve choices I've made - and how that grief shows up is so different depending on where I'm at in my life.

[@thisislife8931]

thank you for sharing this with me

[@jennifermathews3633]

So true!

[@jerrydeacon3424]

I remember being told we thought our mom might die. So I found myself feeling sad and sorry for myself, making it about me and the impact on my life. And then I caught myself creating that poor me story in my head. My conclusion was the understanding of death was for those who were left behind, perhaps and most likely with regret or sorrow. Jennifer Mathews your approach to grief is in acceptance of feeling, and living a love that will never die. Truly beautiful.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you, Terry, for sharing your experience here. It’s amazing to me what happens when we “catch ourselves” as you describe. I’m glad that you resonated with my approach to grief and hopefully the freedom we each have to discern which response to death is truly ours and which is conditioned. All the best to you in the new year! - Jen

[@ImSushmitha]

I wonder how much being a certified laughter teacher helped her deal with her grief? Filling her days with that much positive energy must have been beneficial.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Hello! I do believe focusing on and teaching laughter for years did help me deal with Kate's death. There is so much to learn from unconditional laughter, meaning laughing just because I am willing to. It's really a practice of choice more than anything, a practice of being willing to change my focus and not get stuck on thoughts of absence. If people set a timer, and laughed by choice for even 30 seconds a day, I bet people's inner lives would be different in a matter of weeks.

[@lucastanard]

I agree there shouldn't be a right or wrong way to navigate through loss. Just what feels right to you.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes, room for us all to respond to life (and death) however we do, without judgment!

[@sarahyjames]

I've lost 8 friends in the last 10 years and every time I've reacted differently. Very much depends on the dynamic I think.

[@jennifermathews3633]

My heart goes out to you, that's a lot of friends to no longer have in the physical. And in a short time! You make such an important point. Certainly, our relationship to the person makes an impact on how we respond or react. And how they die, if it's a process or sudden, if we have unresolved things with them, if we are at peace with the connection, etc. etc. Thanks for watching and commenting. - Jen

[@gpacas10]

I am currently going through what Jen describes: Why aren't I grieving when my beloved 20-year old daughter just passed? Having this paradigm shift, focusing on the connection and her presence has certainly made my response different. I must say, though, that I have a supportive community around me, which has made us both feel loved and held in their prayers. In any event, what Jen has taught us both is making my process easier to deal with. My gratitude to you, dear Sapita.

[@kylelramsay]

How are you know, sorry curious as my sister lost her husband.

[@coopertanner3201]

I'm moved by your courage and resilience. Your perspective challenges societal norms and offers a fresh outlook on dealing with loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@jennifermathews3633]

I'm so grateful that you have been touched by what I shared. May your own story touch others as well!

[@smilingputin]

Certified laughter teacher, how good is this.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Ha ha, life's a trip, isn't it??

[@ruperttheprince]

I can see the message, but also worry that some people might use this as a way to avoid feeling what they are feeling.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Hi Rupert. Yes, I too worried this for a long time, which held me back for years from sharing my experience. What I encourage the most is self-awareness, that people can look inside and know themselves if they are in denial or avoiding feelings, or if they are genuinely using their tools for wellbeing. It's an important distinction! Being okay with death as part of the cycle of life and having a broader outlook are definitely different than repressing sadness that needs to come out. I appreciate you bringing this up. - Jen

[@rongigz]

This is just the best approach to living ever; and yes it includes death.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks, Ron, for taking the time to comment! I love that you “get” it’s about living, and includes death too 😊

[@mangocantu5382]

I love the idea of focusing on presence rather than absence. Your ability to shift your perspective and find joy is both brave and inspiring. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you! I'm currently working on a book about absence and presence, so I am thrilled to hear that you love the idea of this perspective. Your comments are much appreciated! - Jen

[@ethanblack6413]

Grief is such a personal thing no one has the right to tell another person whether or not they're doing it right. I also think it's possible to grieve without sadness.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Personal, indeed. To me the significant part is to be self-aware. Are we in denial or are we coping in a healthy way? Are we conditioned or expected to have certain emotions or are we able to truly drop in to what our unique relationship and experience is with the loved one who died? Thank you for your comment!

[@miatbenjamin]

I often catch myself thinking about how hard it will be to live after my partner does, how painful it will be living in a world without him, ignoring the fact that I don’t know who will go first- him or me (or maybe bath at the same time). I get so scared that I push him away to try and prevent how horrible I will feel without him and I miss out on the beautiful moments we can have right now. This is why I ended up here, watching this, and I feel like I found some space to shift this thinking.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks, @mia benjamin, for your honesty about how you might be pushing your partner away at times in hopes of not feeling as much pain if he's no longer in your physical life. Such important self-awareness! To me, there is cultural conditioning that tells us the more we love someone, the more grief or despair we will ("should") feel. But in my experience, the more we love someone doesn't determine our response to death or pain. In fact, my experience is that deep love can actually support us in navigating death because we love someone so much that we support the next step on their soul's path, even if that means leaving the body. I'm so glad that you found some space around this and I hope that your love continues to deepen, knowing that you will be able to always call forth your partner's presence and all he means to you, regardless of if he's in body or spirit. All the best to you! - Jen

[@Geoffpaxton]

I find myself doing this too, it is a real eye opening perspective.

[@sorphealove3321]

well isn't this just a little ray of sunshine. to see such a smile speak of such love and care and to still be able to see the positives after losing the love of her life.... what an absolute gem.

[@conradthelegendwhite]

I find her to be very radiant.

[@sorphealove3321]

@@conradthelegendwhite thats kind of creepy to say you know.

[@sadzigrezoh]

I love this too, truth does not hurt when its delivered with love

[@savannahdiego]

Jennifer you seem like a really positive and grounded individual. I can't imagine how many times you've had someone say well, you just didn't love her enough.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks for your comment and reflection. People rarely say that out loud, but I have felt that assumption many times. There's a myth that grief IS love, and so then we think we need to grieve more if we love more. But that's just not the truth. I'm grateful to you for seeing and voicing this insight!

[@gemmaatterks]

Focused on all that you have lost is not required. Thank you Jennifer.

[@jennifermathews3633]

My pleasure! Thank YOU for watching and commenting. I am so glad you resonated with what I shared here.

[@distrachan2671]

So good. Yes...I have experienced how people die does effect how I tend to think and feel about their death. "Everybody croaks." Such a nice job on this talk Jen.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks, Di! I appreciate your comments and encouragement ;-)

[@elainarogers]

I agree Di, and Jen I adore talk too..

[@jennifermathews3633]

@@elainarogers Thank you, Elaina!

[@thomashurbert]

CROAKS????

[@johnbradey]

Intelligent and compassionate talk, celebrate don't suffer!

[@simonoshlor]

Everyone's going to have their own reaction to grief. There is no right or wrong one and people shouldn't feel pressured to think there is

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you for taking the time to comment and express your resonance with my experience.

[@tellyourstorynow]

So much truth; we cannot let grief consume us.

[@eddysgarage]

it's not this easy for some people though...

[@jennifermathews3633]

@@eddysgarage True, it's not easy for many people. I do believe that, once we experience the depth of emotions, we can become aware of if our thoughts are making it even more difficult. So important to release emotions and let ourselves feel what we feel - including deep sadness. And equally important to catch ourselves "feeding our feelings" with thoughts that spiral us into more sadness.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes, not letting it consume us is a good way to put it. Feeling it and then transforming it is possible and in the realm of most people's possibilities.

[@jankelsey9738]

Awesome talk Jennifer! As a hospice nurse I couldn't agree more, but rarely do individuals understand the beautiful freedom, and inevitability of death. Most, understandably, are entombed in their own loss. I share you views on death. You're an evolved soul in this regard. Very well done. 🙏 🕉

[@jackrouse1987]

I don't think its so bad to be sad, thats fine for her, but I hurt.

[@ianrendle]

we can all hurt and we can all heal when we see the beauty.

[@harrietgomez5859]

I think she is saying, the sadness doesn't need to exist always, that passing is part of the journey and we must see the beauty in the journey.

[@jennifermathews3633]

My heart is with you, Jack, in your pain. It's not bad to be sad. It's just that the expectation to be sad boxes us in. May you experience love within the sadness, joy within the heartache.

[@drikabastijn]

We all hurt, but we all need to find joy and ways forward.

[@nicopetey]

its good to hurt, but one must love and live too.

[@happysufferer]

This is grief as semantics. We all quite clearly grieve differently.

[@realminipowers]

Your perspective challenges the traditional notions of grief, and it's thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you for watching!! Much appreciated. My hope was to encourage conversations, and I'm glad that you found it thought-provoking :-)

[@leodancingsanders]

Actually I think it's really beautiful, all the emotions Jennifer describes having felt after her partner died - especially the grateful part. Seems like a much better way to honour someone and what you've shared.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Though there are many ways to honor someone who died, I agree that grief doesn't have to be the way we experience or show our love. We can be grateful and still deeply love the person. Just because I'm not sad doesn't mean that I don't have huge love for my beloved! That's a myth, that love = grief. Thanks for your comments.

[@pauljchang]

What a beautiful and truthful perspective! I had a really great time pouring myself a glass of joy and laughter! I really appreciate this talk so much -- it gives such permission for us all to be how we really are.

[@sergeypestovskiy]

I agree, I went through this and people kept saying I needed to suffer more.

[@alice10888]

Joy is not simply an absence of tears or the sound/action of laughter. True happiness and joy is much deeper than that. The fundamental realization for that happiness to be possible is that death only occurs to the material body, not the soul which is eternal. We are not these material shells. We are only temporarily residing in them.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes!!! And the more we cultivate that perspective, the easier it is when we experience the death of those we love. Thank you!!

[@suehawke]

Gosh this woman must be so strong in herself. I understand that grief isn't helpful in terms of getting on with our lives but gosh I would just miss my partner and our connection too much to take on this mindset.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you. I didn't expect to have this kind of response when my partner died. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to get out of bed! But then, amazingly, I felt joy and connection and gratitude. That's why I was obsessed with asking myself how I could feel so good, without grief. And then discovered that the tools and perspectives I already had in my life - in addition to the depth of love in the relationship - actually DID matter and allow me to have a more easeful experience that I could have anticipated. And then I wanted others to know that they might be able to have more ease as well, if they fostered the tools I mention at the end.

[@CarolynZaikowski]

I appreciate this but I think it's legitimately rare. I am happy for the speaker that they're able to be this way but most of us can't do what she's talking about or exert a sense of control over our thoughts and emotions. I think this person and others who have felt this way should feel lucky that they have a personality or brain chemistry to allow this method. If you are reading this and you grieve, it's normal. This talk risks making grieving people feel weak, unresourced, or even envious as in "good for you that you don't feel this." Not everyone can get out of sadness by forced laughing and cognitive behavioral style reprogramming or willpower or changing perspective or intellectually deciding to have a different idea about death--those suggestions couldn't be more classic spiritual bypass, if you read the theories and research on that. And if the speaker wasn't feeling difficult emotions, she wouldn't have had to do any of those fancy footwork methods at all. Because of that, I actually don't believe that she isn't feeling difficult emotions. She is using too many active interventions on herself; there must be something she needs to intervene in or else she'd be able to just quietly stay with whatever was arising without taking mental action to change it. You don't need willpower if there's not something you're trying to willpower yourself out of or false laughter if you're not frowning inside. Besides that, there is wisdom in dark emotions. We not need to ignore the thing we're trying to willpower ourself away from. It's simply NOT all based on willingness and choice for most of us. None of us should mistake personal experience for something universally available, and just because there was a trend of talking about grief in a particular way doesn't mean we should assume the opposite paradigm is valid, safe, or universally truthful. If you are grieving: I hear you. You're not alone, and you aren't defective for not being able to bypass grief.

[@gracefairbank]

everyone can shift though can't they?

[@barriegoodwin8726]

i hear you

[@attytordoir4891]

A very interesting response Carolyne, and a pity Jennifer didn't reply to you (makes we wonder why).

[@jennifermathews3633]

@@attytordoir4891 Hi Atty! Because of your comments here last week, I'm seeing it now. And OMG, I can't believe I didn't see Carolyn's comment before! This is the first time I'm reading it from last year. Sometimes I miss them. I realize it's suspicious since it's a contrary view that I didn't reply to. Anyhow, I'm going to reply now. I wish I hadn't missed this last year! Thanks for the heads up.

[@jennifermathews3633]

@Carolyn Zaikowski - Hi Carolyn, I'm so sorry I missed your post last year! Another viewer brought it to my attention, and so I am replying to you now. Thank you for your comments. I agree that my response to my partner's death is likely rare, at least uncommon in the extent to which I experienced it. From my studies, it does seem that many practices for emotional and spiritual wellbeing can assist people in having more awareness and choice of their feelings and responses to the ups and downs of life, and many of these practices are based in learning techniques for resilience, optimism, and self-awareness (if someone has a desire to do this). And yes, it's true that different personalities, temperaments, and biochemical make ups make it more difficult for some people. I only briefly mention in my talk that these things matter. I hear you with the "you don't need willpower if there's not something to willpower out of" and for me, it has been noticing emotions rise up, witnessing them as some are taught to do in mindfulness meditation (which isn't my practice, but it's a common one people can relate to), being curious about them, and knowing I can feel those emotions and not "feed" those emotions and spiral into them. That is the choice for me. However, some may find this much more difficult. My experience is that it takes practice, so that the neuropathways shift to a habitual response that is different from the original response of feeding the pain. Releasing it is key!! But not becoming it. To me, we can use the tools for wellbeing that we would use for any challenges, and apply them to death and dying, rather than accepting the common idea that we should just feel awful because "death is awful, end of discussion." I hope there is room for each of us to speak our truth and learn from one another. My experience doesn't invalidate yours, and yours doesn't invalidate mine. As for bypassing, shifting emotional states could be bypassing for some, I agree! It's important to be aware of this possibility. Not bypassing - but rather paying attention, looking at where feelings come from, releasing them, knowing we have choices after they surface - can be a LOT of inner work (and proactive work) to reach this place of inner peace and gratitude and connection. That can take intentional emotional and spiritual work for years. I am grateful that the tools I had held up even in the face of death! Once on solid ground, my foundation didn't crumble when my beloved died. I know it may seem unbelievable to some. But it is what really happened for me. So much more to say here, as isn't not a simple issue, which your comments acknowledge. Thank you. My hope is never to invalidate those who are feeling a lot of grief or suffering after a significant death, but rather to share that the tools I had BEFOREHAND made a HUGE difference in my life and experience. Also, my intention is to give a shout out to those who also don't experience much grief and tell them that there is a wide range of responses to death - not all sad or heartbroken - and so you don't have to feel guilty or shameful or confused if you don't feel awful when someone dies. The important part is to be SELF-AWARE of if you are burying your feelings and avoiding pain, or if you are genuinely navigating death in a way that allows love and presence to be your guide. I hope that people are less suspicious of those of us who don't respond to death with deep pain. We all respond to ALL kinds of life situations differently, and death is no exception to that. All the best, Jen

[@levshalazar]

“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ― J.K. Rowling

[@jennifermathews3633]

Great quote! Thank you!

[@levshalazar]

@@jennifermathews3633 it fit your talk which was awesome.

[@tarahjaiden1680]

Its a good idea to recognise how guilt impacts how one feels.

[@Lulu-99]

Your talk is a powerful reminder that grief doesn't have to be the only response to death. It's liberating to think that we can choose our emotional path, even in the face of profound loss.

[@jennifermathews3633]

I am so glad that you used the word "liberating." That is precisely the point to me, that we each are free to choose our perspectives and thoughts in each moment, and that the more we talk about this topic in light of that, the more free people can be to access inner joy and peace, even in the face of death. Many thanks to you! - Jen

[@zubairtz]

I can't believe I never considered this before. the expectations people put on us to react a certain way are enormous and it's a relief to know the emotional outcomes of tough situations aren't set in stone.

[@allisonblaustein7898]

This actually makes me feel more at peace with my sadness. I think I’d be insane or shallow if I was happy and laughing hysterically after finding my child dead a few months ago . I have felt the shock , anger , the depression , deep loss and the sorrow. Now- I have had a long term & deep spiritual - mindfulness practice- so much so , I have volunteered in prisons & for hospice ( certified death doula here & death vigil volunteer) and I teach mindfulness . These practices are helping , I’m sure , and I’m grateful . I honor my heart and the pain that is present AND I am also doing all that I can to choose peace , faith , love & service and I am watching the pain transform into being a more compassionate person with a deeper sense of my Spirituality

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you for sharing your words and experience, Allison. My heart goes out to you, truly, as you navigate the physical loss of your child. I find that sudden deaths are a different experience entirely. I'm glad you have been practicing mindfulness meditations, and also honoring ALL of the emotions during this time of adjustment and healing. I think that's what it's all about. That we can allow ourselves to not only feel the heartache and pain, but that it's possible to choose joy and peace and love, as you've expressed here. Spirituality has played a hugs role in my journey, though I couldn't speak much about that since TEDx has rules about mentioning it. Many blessings to you and what a gift that you are of service to so many others along the way! - Jen

[@ekimoduarte]

And I say "Thank You" Jennifer!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank YOU for watching!

[@nekoac2122]

We have lost our child at 19. We miss him immensely everyday we don't want to ignore and not miss him. We loved his presence and that makes us so sad. Sounds as though you push those feelings down, avoid the pain. Happy that you grief differently if at all. :)

[@jennifermathews3633]

Hi Neko. My heart goes out to you with the loss of your child. I'm sure you loved him deeply and realize it can be heartbreaking that he's no longer here in the physical with you. Yes, missing someone can bring a feeling of connection, even though the lack of his presence brings sadness. In my experience, connecting to my beloved's presence uplifted me. I hear that you feel the absence mostly, and that can be very very difficult. I don't believe I avoided pain, but rather that I found connection to my partner, and that this connection dissolved the loss. Of course, adjusting to the physical loss is different for everyone. May you find moments of deep connection beyond the pain, and may your healing process be filled with love. Blessings, Jen

[@hollymarston]

When my Aunt passed, I cried the 1st night, but I dreamed of her and the fun we had as a child. We had tea parties and dress ups, and I could always tell her my secrets. She came to me in my dream and asked me to remember then, not remember the day I passed. And I do and I smile lots.

[@jennifermathews3633]

That's a beautiful story, Holly! I love that your aunt communicated to you in your dream. Glad that you listened ;-)

[@hollymarston]

@@jennifermathews3633 thanks Jennifer, I never imagined you would ever see that. Thank you again.

[@janetsplace1953]

I love this!

[@averyrothschild]

Truly ONE OF THE most inspiring, beautiful TED talks I've heard. Thank you, Jennifer.

[@jennifermathews3633]

My heart is full and grateful knowing I have inspired you! Thank you so much, Avery, for taking the time to comment. - Jen

[@jeffgoldygold]

Definitely agree here!

[@janetsplace1953]

I loved this

[@gertvermisen2000]

Your talk has opened my eyes to a different way of approaching death. The emphasis on adapting, resilience, and finding joy is a perspective we rarely hear. Thank you for sharing your journey.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! And for letting me know that my talk was meaningful for you. You're right, we rarely hear about finding joy as an acceptable and real response when someone experiences the death of a loved one. Of course, it's not the typical response. But it's still a valid one!

[@billconconi3996]

The most optimistic and joyful person ever!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Awwwww, shucks!

[@SHaas-vj6nu]

Thank-you Jennifer. Completely agree with connection. Modern society is totally grief illiterate. Only when you experience a devastating loss of a loved one do you really understand. People die but the love continues. Love is what keeps us connected. However, going through the valley after death of your precious one, as painful as it is, as long as it takes, is the only way to get to the light, understanding, acceptance and connection ~love.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes, indeed, the love continues! For me, the love doesn't cause grief (though that's the popular message we hear), love creates connection. Exactly. And when there is connection, I don't feel the loss because I feel the presence of connection. Thank you for taking the time to make a comment! - Jen

[@carlasteadman]

I've always thought that grief was a process and although there are different stages we all tend to go about them at different rates. Grief is a funny thing. Grieving lost loved ones, grieving an idea, a dream, a situation. I guess as long as we are feeling that's all that matters.

[@jonrhome]

She's pretty magic this one.

[@thisisarchiegraves]

Laughing as a response to grief? That's intriguing. Laughter is a great way to release tension so I guess it makes sense

[@jennifermathews3633]

To me, choosing laughter is a tool for becoming present and not focusing on the past or future. And yes, releases tension too! Also in the context of this talk, it’s about the willingness to choose. Do I decide to follow thoughts that keep me in a painful cycle? Or do I choose to interrupt the cycle? Laughter is one way to interrupt the cycle of thoughts.

[@northcosca]

Jennifer's energy is incredibly inspiring. A beautiful way to view the end of a life but the celebration of love and connection. There are so many lessons here that I think a lot of us could use. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.

[@jennifermathews3633]

I appreciate your comments, thank you! My hope is that others will see that it’s okay that some people don’t struggle as much with death, and that a deep love for someone who died can also show up as connection and joy, not just sadness. I am grateful that people like you are open to these ideas since they are rarely discussed.

[@grazynaparadowska1306]

I have heard there are only two truths, we will all die, and only a few of us will truly live.

[@suebakernottly]

yes!!!

[@3k445]

This is truthful speak.

[@cliftonwilliams7489]

A Laughter Lifestyle! This is the best video I've seen in a long long time.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks, Clifton! I'm thrilled to hear that ;-)

[@imadampierce]

I didn’t realize the stages of grief was built around people with a terminal diagnosis, not those who had lost. Very different experiences to be basing facts on….

[@jennifermathews3633]

Yes, indeed! I was quite surprised when I first learned that. It helped me see that I was "taught" what should be a "normal" response to death rather than my own experience and self-awareness.

[@lauraladlow]

What a unique perspective! It's really interesting to think about how societal expectations affect our emotional reactions to very personal events.

[@coreykansasbell]

I wish I had seen this last year when my sister passed Laura... really powerful.

[@nonduality7]

Love is the only way to think!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you, Laura, for really getting it! My talk really is all about exactly what you wrote, how societal expectations affect our emotional responses to anything (in this case death, but it's about everything actually). i appreciate you taking the time to comment and articulate that. YES!!!

[@mylescolton]

truth

[@buzzboxes]

truth

[@kasejalaurinewilder]

"Many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of them" Oh yeah. Great talk Jennifer!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thanks, Kaseja. Yes, that is my main point. I appreciate you catching that and getting it!

[@alexaphillips8911]

I thought the same exactly...

[@ecophobiabob1669]

Everyone deals with death differently, some need time a lot of time to grieve.

[@gabriellehalette]

I cried watching this, not out of grief but perhaps relief.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Gabrielle, I do hope that you and others are relieved to know that there are many ways to respond to death, and that grief and sadness are not true responses for everyone, for various reasons. It's okay to not be in grief, which is different from being in denial. The task is to know ourselves enough to tell the difference. Thank you for your comment. - Jen

[@laurelkimberlyhamilton6902]

@@jennifermathews3633I have come back to just read the comments and responses made by you. I think the idea of having the tools before an event such as losing a person in their life - is one to seriously consider. I will always remember my son's hospice chaplain saying he was most concerned about me - not explicitly stated - but how would I cope when my son would die - the expectation was - that it would be harder for me than for others. I felt comforted by his understanding of the years I had invested having more than one role in my son's life - but I do believe the idea of joy and presence and connection could have given my sorrow more peace. I am working and shifting through all of this. Thank you, Jen. Keep your voice alive and well.

[@jennifermathews3633]

@@laurelkimberlyhamilton6902 Thank you, Laurel, for your deep and intimate sharing. I don't know what it's like to go through the death of a son or child, yet I hope presence and connection are universal and can be experienced no matter what. My perspective is that intense grief gets in the way of being able to connect or feel the presence of someone who died. We learn that grief IS the connection, that we need to hold on to the sadness to feel connected (ironically), when actually love and joy are the connection and if we can step out of focusing on the absence and grief - if only for a moment - we can open space for the presence and joy to be known. And that changes everything. Many blessings to you and your willingness to see things differently. And a heartfelt thank you for your encouragement!

[@careytmoore]

There are many ways to respond to death. This is talk warms my heart.

[@jennifermathews3633]

Thank you Carey for taking the time to watch and comment. Much appreciated!

[@careytmoore]

@@jennifermathews3633 It is an important message Jennifer, thanks for doing it.

[@therealbellasantarosa]

so many ways! And we all process so differently

[@dalini520]

Wonderful Ted Talk. Boy, are we programmed on how to feel after a loss. Of Course we're going to feel awful if we look for our loved one's who have passed where they no longer exists. Are you going to look for me where I am or where I'm not!! Do you want to experience connection or separation.

[@evanesterneg]

far out y'all sounded like you had a real genuine soul to soul love. what a beautiful message to carry on.

[@lgeekgamingl]

The willingness to transform sadness. Brilliant!

[@jennifermathews3633]

Glad you caught the "willingness" piece. It's the key. Much appreciated!