Decluttering Q&A with Dana K White 4.4.23

[@justyna2666]

About the neighbor giving toys - I think her 'love language' is gifts and that's why she does that. And that is why I think it would be a good idea to try to change the things she gives instead of the fact that she gives things. A great idea that worked for us was fruit and other healthy snacks. Just mention to the neighbor that your kids just love strawberries or peaches or whatever they really enjoy eating. The chances are that she gives what she thinks kids want (and most adults think it's toys) and will gladly gift some consumables, too. You can also mention that they like to do certain things and if she is gifting because she wants to make them happy, next time she'll play or color some pictures with them.

[@rosywilson3076]

The talk about grieving is helpful, thank you. I’ve spent a year getting used to a new situation - getting married at 62, hubby’s illness, moving house and preparing to move again. I’ve been so upset about moving away from friends and I can see now that I’ve been grieving for the potential loss of those friendships, for my independence, for hubby’s dreams being curtailed; while dealing with 2 house moves and trying not to become my mum’s sole carer. I need to be more kind to myself Thank you Dana ❤

[@Maloma12]

The lady with the wonderful neighbour who gives toys to her children: When I was pastoring a lovely rural church, I took Tuesday's off. Often there would be meetings Monday nights that would run late, so sleeping in on Tuesday's were very importatnt to me. So guess when the wonderful senior came to mow the parsonage lawn? EARLY Tuesday morning (like 7 am ). I was talking to a counsellor and told her of my frustration. I said, "I don't want to hurt his feelings; he is doing me a wonderful service and I realize he wants to come early so he's not out in the heat of the day. BUT SO EARLY on my ONE day off!!" The wise counsellor calmly asked me, "Why are you telling me this? Why aren't you telling him?" "Well, I dont' want to hurt his feelings..." "So tell him that." That statement stopped me in my tracks. It was kind of hilarious to think of it that way: why not just let him know that although I really appreciated his mowing the lawn, and that I don't want to hurt his feelings, would it be possible for him to mow the lawn any morning but Tuesday (and Sunday's, of course). So, I prayed about it and then went to him and said just that. His response: "No problem at all!! I had no idea." The conversation took about 90 seconds and I had been in exhausted agony for WEEKS over being woken up so early and not wanting to hurt a parishioner's feelings. So, I'd encourage her to just say a little prayer for strength and sensitivity, and then just go to her and tell her how much she appreciates her thinking of her children, offering for her to play with them sometimes with the toys they already have, but that they have enough and their toybox is full. Hope this helps! 🌿M

[@ros8986]

my favorite saying "you have to give up the life you planned in order to live the life that is waiting for you". And that life can be amazing.

[@juliewright1895]

I 1000% agree with you, Dana, about getting rid of the nonemotional stuff first and that will help you to see how much better your house functions and that makes the emotional stuff easier. We’ve adopted 2 children and fostered a third. We thought we might adopt the third baby but we weren’t able to. It was hard when it came time to declutter the baby items that I had saved for her. I decluttered everything else first in our storage room that needed to go then I decluttered the baby stuff. I absolutely couldn’t do it in the beginning and I told myself that it’s ok to come back to it later when I was ready. (I remembered what you had said, Dana.) I didn’t think that day would come but it actually did. There were a few tears but I felt like I healed through this process. There are all kinds of grieving. It’s hard. The lady who is asking about decluttering her craft supplies, it’s hard, and I am so sorry! Just give yourself time. 💗

[@Jo-hello]

I love that you have 0 insecurities about being funny. You are hilarious and I’m glad you know it 😄❤️👏☺️🥰

[@notnotnever]

Dana, lately I'm especially appreciating your emotional intelligence that you're applying while answering these questions. Thank you for the Q&A!

[@maryharris-yz6th]

I HAD A SURPRISE SURGERY Friday It was so nice to come home to a nice house that is under controll My Husband is the nurse and we have gotten along beautiful I am so glad I DID the decluttering

[@PrivatePersification]

Just want to say that for me, your decluttering videos are the most helpful, and my home is now more peaceful and nurturing. Thanks!

[@temi4116]

Never doubt for a second that you are witty and funny. Im speaking the truth, here, in Hayward, CA. You are top notch!!

[@tamararamsey5447]

For the sweet neighbor, we had this problem with my grandpa. What we did was gave him a list of things we actually needed and wanted. It worked great! Be very specific. I would give him book names I wanted to read (still have several of them 40 years later). My Mom wanted a cast iron skillet big enough for deep dish pizza for the family. She ended up with one almost too big for the oven 😂 It was a big hit at my birthday party that year. It let's her feel helpful yet you don't get a lot of junk.

[@grutarg2938]

My sister does this with the grandparents. She'll ask for things like raincoats, socks, school supplies & towels.

[@AM-nd9nl]

Regarding your words on grief, and change, as a mental health professional, Dana, in this area you ARE a mental health professional. ❤. Thank you.

[@annblachly8068]

I've done that very thing the neighbor lady does to our grandchildren. With new items, though. Just too many. As I've seen one son toss said items in the dumpster it finally registered. Yes, I retrieved them and sent to donation. Yes, all the ones with pieces were retrieved and cleaned up and those that weren't I returned to the trash. Sometimes the grandsons would simply ask for some items to stay in my home. Granddaughter loves clothes more than toys. She cannot keep up with what her parents have given her, so clothes and time from me instead. The grandsons (older than the granddaughter -other son's daughter) prefer money. So, now that's what they get for birthday and Christmas gifts. I have books and toys here that stare me in the face daily in my living room that will be in a donation box within the hour, and the broken/missing parts toys to the black trash bag for the dumpster. My husband has never looked in the trash I put out no matter the opacity of the bag, so it's good. Thank you for continuing to repeat with e-mailing older blog posts and creating the weekly Q&A that addresses the same so we die-hard clutterers can continue to learn to let things just go and not be a burden to others now or future when our flesh body gives up.

[@creativelycountry1617]

I also have someone who loves to give my children things. The problem is the person shops at all our local thrift stores so I hesitate to donate for fear they will see it there and know I donated it back… Edit- thanks for the encouragement to just be honest, but in a moment when they aren’t giving something to help them not feel immediate rejection, really good thought

[@ros8986]

Finding a women's shelter or services for women, also refugee organizations can be a great place to find where to donate children's things. Churches often are organized to help struggling families.

[@PowerToolsWithThread]

My advice for the neighbor lady who gives too much. I would suggest sharing with her the decluttering journey you're going through. Tell your story of how overwhelmed you are with all the stuff in your house from toys, to clothes, to 'whatever'. Tell her how you're struggling so hard to keep up with it all and it seems like no matter what you do, stuff keeps coming in and you find yourself going to the donation station more and more. Don't tell her that she's playing a part in your struggle. But each time you speak to her, share your overwhelming struggle with all the stuff in your house and you're on a decluttering journey. Hopefully by the 3rd time, she'll get it.

[@carinculligan9076]

I had a similar situation with a great grandparent... I told her that my apartment was so tiny that whenever she brings something I need to get rid of something to keep it all nice... I started asking her to help me pick which thing had to go whenever she brought something whenever she brought something. At one point she remarked to me that it was a waste of money and I said this is the way I have to do things. She started to naturally bring over less because she didn't want to see other things go

[@debbie1483]

I'm so sorry I missed the live, but thank you so much for posting the video!

[@rubywooed3066]

This Q and As are so helpful. Thank you for posting them!

[@findingaway5512]

You are funny. 😂 I am too. Takes one to know one. 😉 I am fond of humor. So I appreciate that you are too. ❤️ People take things too seriously. Gotta laugh at ourselves. Humor is a great skill to have.... And usually a sign of intelligence so you got that going for you too.

[@grutarg2938]

For the neighbor that gives too many toys - I totally agree about being honest as kindly as you can. But also, since it sounds like they are often going to the thrift shop, maybe ask them to take some of your donations for you. Toys the kids have "grown out of" or that you "don't have space for". You can also direct them to a toy drive in your area, if you know of one. "We have more than we can handle and this organization gives toys to kids who don't have enough."

[@CM-wh8hn]

A note to anyone who keeps giving unwanted gifts... No means no. After I nicely ask/explain, a few times, for them to stop (we have run out of room), and they do not stop, then I sweetly RETURN each new unwanted item/toy/gift RIGHT back to THEM the very next time I see them. And I sweetly tell them, that I appreciate the generous thought, but I am sure they know someone else who NEEDS that gift. I always mention some "use-up-able gifts", that we always appreciate. (Bubbles for the kids. chocolate for me). Some consider it bad manners to return a gift to giver, but it is worse manners to not listen to people. The idea that anyone continually "forcing" unwanted gifts on someone else is a "love language" is ridiculous. No means no. Period.

[@aleksandra...]

Exactly! I'm always annoyed by the *it's THE thought that counts* idea. What thought, tho? If it's clear from upfront that it's unwanted - that thought is about imposing their idea what I need in my life. Nonsensical, disrespectful. Some years ago I started telling people I'd prefer.. consumables? (nnes here, hope that's adequate word) like nice teas or wine, or body care items (lotions, bubble bath) or money donation in my my name. (I suggest few) And people are generally respectful. I didn't keep track if I said to everyone that might give me something, but I try to insert it in some conversations, too. Like when I'm mentioning my nephews' birthday - my thought process is similar as they already have too many toys, and are also growing out of them, but for them I'm researching _experiences_ gift in the area. Can I buy some tickets for them, or something... And asking a friend if she knew (I don't have kids, she does) about anything interesting I told/reminded? her about my favorite choices. I don't have that much stuff (not contained is my issue) but I'm very about planet and sustainability - so I throw in _especially plastic_ and I got nice soaps wrapped in paper, a beautiful card with donation receipt, and a bag of assorted fruits, some rarer-more expensive in my country "for a fruit salad" for example. There are always ways to be respectful gifter. Some culturally (locally) established rules (dos and donts) need to be reinspected and redefined. So we stop useless consumerism, and overcrowding of our homes... or landfills.

[@wolfinallen7757]

Christmas stuff: a month before holidays, put out boxes of decorations marked "free" on your tree lawn. Stuff will be gone in hours.

[@cheerfulmouse]

Excellent answer on the laundry question!! I have done 2 weeks of laundry day, and immediately noticed I could throw all my grimey's right in. If I need to do a quick nice wash (which I almost never do) I just do the dirty's first, can do the other and fold both. So I'm still consolidating time by doing two loads consecutively.

[@Chaundradickinson]

For the non-US Southerners - Bless your heart, has multiple meanings. ;)

[@DWXY]

For the person with the toy-giving neighbour, sometimes it can help to present it as a change in situation. eg now that the youngest is one and a half, or you’ve decided you’re going to focus on teaching them to care for and put away their things so you want them to have fewer, to help them do that. Saying something has changed can remove the idea of any criticism for what’s happened to date. You can say that was wonderful of her, and now things are different could you ask her…

[@mheninger99]

?? On the fave toys but still too many to keep organized, could you do a toy rotation bin? Take some out for storing in the top of the closet or somewhere and only have a few fave toys available to play with, and then switch them out some time later so its like the toys are all new and exciting again? Then you still have them all but not have to put them all away all the time....

[@aleksandra...]

Ah, yes that's a good option, but definitely only in combination with other Dana's advice, whatever is applicable - contain, and maybe see with a child what his "second favorites" are... etc

[@tamisimone1377]

Oh my gosh I was taking a bite of food and listening to this session and you said..."I like Tiggers and chicks better chiggers and ticks, sounds more fun" I bust out laughing😂! You are so fun! Love the way your mind works!!! Oh I was lol ing for sure🤣 love you and all your videos and books! Thank you for sharing!

[@thewovenknotcrochetthehand4721]

So sorry to have missed your live!! Loving your books 😊

[@yaminabenkoula1872]

Dana I am amazed by your consistency when answering questions. Keep the good work. ❤

[@heathrusty]

@AgathaVelvet, I used to have dishes that routinely didn't come out clean, and getting a high-quality dishwasher has been amazing! I know that's not a possibility for everyone, but it has been so worth it for me. You don't need one with bells and whistles, just with good cleaning power. I don't even pre-rinse now (the soap actually works better if you don't). The only things that sometimes still don't come out clean are knives or plates with peanut butter. I also don't like putting away wet dishes, so I allow myself to put the wet things on a drying rack. I'll either put those dishes away later in the day or just the next day when I unload the dishwasher again. Not towel-drying saves a lot of time.

[@kyre6722]

I don't actually care about the decluttering. I swear it. I'm only here because you're funny af.

[@lynnettelg]

😂

[@beachprints]

Yes! It has been a game changer to find out that it really only takes about 10 minutes to do my dishes!

[@JG-mc9hl]

Putting a time on things helps demystify and "de-hard" things so much!

[@robinwallace5809]

Ask the sweet neighbor to help you declutter because it’s overwhelmed. Then maybe she will see the problem.

[@celeritas2-810]

I feel like so many elders try to manage their own trauma and lack in their childhoods through gift giving to the people they love and project to.

[@gillianmarrah2713]

I love your doggie checking in with you.

[@melindachance2392]

I find that with people in my life taking with them taking them along for the ride of learning about fresh video new tips I've learned talking about it alot. then most people around already know how I feel and they understand the concept of declutter so I don't have to have that many hard conversations with people because they already know

[@Cecily-Pimprenelle]

You still make me laugh with your ”1730 sqf isn’t huge” - because, well, as much as I can’t begin to imagine a 1730sqm house, it is still twice as big as my current flat (... ok, not quite. 180% of my current flat which - sure, I’d like it if the rooms were a tad bigger, but it’s not small by the standards of the area we live in (big European urban area)). 1730 sqft is Very Big t9 me, and I can totally understand how someone ised to smaaller spaces wouldn’t understand how you got a Clutter Problem when you had so much space (they forget that more space = ”surely, I can fit a ton of stuff”). Love your message. Doing the dishes daily continues to be a great way to stay motivated - there’s nothing more depressi g, I think, than a sink so full of dishes that one doesn’t know where to begin. Also, I’ve decided to wash my ’pretty’ dishes on the ’delicates’ cycle, rather than handwashing them - and thus never using them because I Dread that part. If the decorations fade... it’s okay. At least we’ll have enjoyed them!

[@mlc110576]

@Life Happens….if he is leaving cooking items on the counter can you maybe use a hook system to hang them on the wall by the stove?

[@user-id6lm3qn3p]

Haha you said "tigers and chicks sounds more fun than chiggers and ticks" 😜😂🤣

[@NancyThecheerfulheart]

That’s great, don’t move your feet when emptying the dishwasher. I had that concept but never put it into words.

[@rg-mi5hh]

If someone gives you things and you don't want them, set boundaries. Just say we don't have any room for anything now. You'll have to keep it at your house. They are being rude, needy, ocd, eeding approval, or just plain pushy. If you don't, they will continue dumping stuff at your house and you have to take your time to get rid of it. It is very inconsiderate and they need to stop it or you end up with a hoarded house.

[@kathydecker636]

ADRC may be of help to grieving. They can be a good resource.

[@ros8986]

Note - asian XL is not always the same as western/US XL - I know that China XL is western medium.

[@carolg.6838]

Reminds me of thin friends who kindly have wanted to gift me gently used, really nice clothes that I would wear. Because it would be too large for them does not mean it would be large enough for me. On a side note, I tell new sewers who find a pattern to use the size for their measurements, not the store size they wear.

[@ErinNDo]

In the beginning of this 😂video I thought you said,” I’m here to answer your hemorrhoiding questions.”❤ I know you wouldn’t say that. I’m am positive I misheard you. I just had to tell you because I know you would laugh. Love you Dana!

[@DanaKWhite]

Hahaha!! I mean, I could look up some info for you . . . but I'd rather not!

[@ErinNDo]

@@DanaKWhite hahaha! Me to.

[@celticsurfersully13]

❤

[@cindycox9496]

I would say.....after she gives u something, this is the last thing I can take as I just don't have the room and give her a number to a charity that could use it.

[@KleineMausii17]

My dishwasher hast a function where it opens Afterwards. It dries automatically.

[@joycemitchell2092]

Ok I watched the reply (missed the live). What was that about January 2020?🤷🏻‍♀️

[@lynnettelg]

Right! I want to know too! So many comments are not showing.

[@awickstrom2856]

It was the username of the person who originally asked the question in the chat

[@lynnettelg]

@@awickstrom2856 Thanks for the reply!That’s hilarious! LOL

[@julieheitzman5037]

27 fling boogie

[@dulcieandrews712]

Lyssy Loops ? Questionable name …? WAS it your husband??

[@debbiev.1311]

Oops...I did it again - missed another Live! So grateful for the replays...thank you!! ❤🤗 I'll take "Tiggers & Chicks" any day over chiggers & ticks!! 😁🐯🐯🩷🐣🐥