Demisexuality: What is it?

[@garrettruble9309]

I'm not even 30 minutes in but this is so good. I was raised in a conservative Christian evangelical environment, which laid the foundations for believing myself to be worthy of rejection, unwanted, and broken. My personal expression of demisexuality compounded these feelings as I left religion, came out and tried to integrate into the culture of the gay community around me. It's been a profoundly painful experience at times, and finding healing for these wounds is no easy process. Your discussion of this topic is very affirming and validating of my experience. It frames it in a different light, and highlights the fact that although it may be different or unconventional, I do have worth and value and something beautiful to offer. Thank you for this.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Thanks for chiming in and sharing your thoughts with us 👍🏼

[@desfrancis2543]

My story is exactly the same as yours. I came across the term quite by accident and had to Google it and it felt as if my whole life suddenly made sense. It's very difficult especially in our community to find connection but I finally accepted that for me there is no other option.

[@Spiritualtalk111]

Amen for Talking about this. I just figured this out . 41 years old and I couldnt figure why I was not like the rest of the Gay Community until now. Its a bit lonely but I manage.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Yeah I feel you man. It’s not an easy thing to navigate in a culture that is hyper sexual and places such an importance on sexual connection

[@tusharsingh4543]

I'm not gay but this was such a good video especially for demisexual men in general. Thank you for sharing!!!

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for your thoughtful comment! We're glad you found the video meaningful. It's great to hear it resonated with you though you aren't gay! 😊

[@JEMANF]

Same here

[@curiousboy88]

As a gay man, I'm so glad that I stumbled on this channel. The conversations are so timely and pertinent...Sometimes, they stir things within myself and I have to unpack it...I definitely resonated with this video and can identify with the "demisexual" label. Thank you so much!!!!

[@mattlandsiedel]

This is why we do what we do! So glad you are learning more about yourself from this podcast

[@Spooncuddler]

Matt, thank you for hosting and sharing this great conversation. Completely resonated with Andre's comments about being considered to be naive, not knowing how to flirt or perhaps recognizing someone wanting sex. Ppl would tell me I was too picky, choosy, stand-offish because I was selective, but I needed that proper and positive energy connection along with the time for it to marinate if you will. I was nearing 40 before I learned about being HSP and now demisexual. These terms and concepts weren't around when I was younger and coming of age at the dawn of the AIDS epidemic. Learning is a lifelong pursuit and appreciate the educational info! Cheers!!

[@mattlandsiedel]

I love the resonance here. I also need marinating time. I call it energetic assimilation - my nervous system essential needs more time than most to get used to someone’s energy. This is likely because of being sensitive and empathic. Plus I don’t want to have sex with someone whom I don’t know how they energetically take care of themselves

[@tinpalace]

A fantastic discussion. Thank you for this channel, and thank you to everyone for sharing. I really benefitted from hearing about your experiences

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you so much for your kind words! We're thrilled to hear that you found the discussion beneficial. Your support means a lot to us. 🌟😊

[@piotrk.639]

So happy i found this podcasts ♥️ thanks guys for sharing

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

We're thankful that you found us too. Enjoy watching the episodes!😍

[@piotrk.639]

😊

[@TruthQuest4700]

This was time well spent! Andre is hilarious! I realize I'm not a prude, I just have requirements and that how I feel and what I want matter.

[@brent5843]

Really Enjoyed this one! You can see how passionate Ron is in every response he gives. No wonder he is tired at the end.

[@knowuthrume]

Thank you, Matt, Andres, Carlos and Ron. Amen! Unfortunately, I had unprocessed trauma and was only attracted to men who were emotionally unavailability. With a few years of therapy under my belt, my picker is now fixed. While the options here in Dallas are limited, I am no longer attracting and suffering through hopeless and enervating situations. I too struggle with indirect language and social cues. My therapist and I suspected that I may be on the spectrum, but that was not confirmed by a clinical assessment. I have accepted that it may take longer for me to find connections, I am learning to be more direct in my communication and learning to tune in to and trust my intuition. If something/someone does not feel right for me, I do not need to find logical/objective/irrefutable proof.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Everything's gonna be alright!😍

[@brohogany]

many thanks for organizing this, recording it, sharing and then sharing it openly with us.. whether folks are demi (knowingly) or not. sincerely. it def makes sense and is even more of a blessing to hear other men talk from heart and sacral chakras. asante sana

[@mattlandsiedel]

Im glad you found value in the episode 👌🏼

[@cmmndrblu]

It's weird, I really don't like the term demisexual (I'm a linguist and it literally means half sexual) but that being said, pragmatically, having a word is helpful especially to connect with other people who share this characteristic.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's interesting to hear your linguistic insight on the term. While the word might seem odd, it's great that it helps people connect and find community. 🙂

[@joshuabeitler1826]

THANK YOU for doing this. It has been a long journey and took a long time to figure ME out. Nearly 40 years old and figuring this out. A special thank you to Andre as my religious upbringing really thought that maybe it broke me, or something. So frustrating and confusing to me why most of the gay community is seen as promiscuous, and I never got it. But thank you again for sharing your stories, it gives me hope that there really are other people out there like me (I cry as I write this, it's an emotional journey).

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt journey. It's never too late to figure things out, and we're glad Andre's story resonated with you. Your honesty and emotions are truly moving, and it's important to remember that you're not alone. There are many out there who understand and share your experiences. Stay strong and hopeful!❤

[@chriscairns6417]

Thanks, guys, for your raw, beautiful, honesty 🎉 .. finding connection in the LGBTQ+ is more of a challenge than most would think, or the media portrays. Congrats on opening up the conversation on these issues. Big Hugs - Kristophe x

[@rwood6017]

Great convo. I am a Demi male who is INFJ so def a lot to think about / figure out... one day.

[@3bcds810]

Very well expressed, all of you. Exceptionally well done!

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thank you!

[@richardkarnes5286]

Once again - THANK YOU!

[@miketripp6435]

The activities of my life have never been made better by the person in my bed. But the activities of my bed have been made better by the person in my life. We Demi’s think beyond the bed. Great open and honest discussion.

[@mattlandsiedel]

I like that perspective 😊

[@jackiejetset]

I really appreciate you guys sharing this, I really resonate with demisexuality , I had always wondered at my sexuality. Once again , this group continues to be so illuminating! Much love to the 4 of you for this beautiful sharing. ❤

[@mattlandsiedel]

So much love back to you my friend 🤗

[@daneduncan9983]

I echo the comments below. I’m in the UK, I really value these conversations and would like to get more involved. These remind me of something called “the failure map” in narrative therapy (I’m a clinical psychologist) which is a framework for having conversations about fitting in and failing to fit in, then trying to measure up, then reaching a point of stopping trying to measure up because of valuing something else, before ultimately and hopefully finding a new group of others who might be a smaller group and finding belonging. Also the way in which these conversations unfold remind me of a process called outsider witnessing in acknowledging expressions, resonance, images and where we are taken by sharing.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Yes I love the failure map and also find resonance with the notion of linking vs ranking. I think gay men have been conditioned to rank and in actuality I find most men crave linking.

[@philiphubinette621]

I love listen to your convo, thanx for a really great podcast. It makes my time as newly come out gay man a little less confusing and intimidating.I also felt I really can relate to todays topic, makes me so happy to hear there are people like me out there ❤🙏🥰 All the best

[@billt3357]

I am so grateful to have found this podcast. You all are sharing what I also know to be true for me. How do I join in with the 12 other demisexuals?

[@mattlandsiedel]

Thanks for this positive feedback Bill. Let’s talk about it when we chat after Christmas 🎅🏻

[@seto749]

Kudos for the point about not gendering and then for the turn into being determinedly non-judgmental. It can be difficult to make one's own case without drifting into appearing to denigrate non-insiders. Interesting that the dating question became a sales pitch rather than an examination of what it's like being the dater.

[@missricka6801]

Loved this video, and Matt, Thank you again! I want to say however that I have never felt comfortable with the term "demi-sexual." When I first came across the word, not knowing it's meaning I assumed it was some kind of sexual fetish which I had never heard of. Like being a "pedi-sexual" someone turned on by feet. Anyway I would propose another term, a "FI-sexual," which could apply to anyone be it male or female, straight or gay or all of the above. FI meaning fully integrated. And this I believe is the gold standard for all human sexuality with all its expressions. And I feel like all of you guys in this video illustrate what it is to be fully integrated sexuals or at least moving consciously in this direction.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’m not sure I like the term fully integrated because that would imply that those that aren’t Demi would not be fully integrated. I think we are all on our own journey and for some being hyper sexual and having a bunch of random sex is their full integration based on their own personal dharma and perhaps even karma. But in my personal I would fully agree with you because my demisexuality is an evolved form of sexuality for me. I am a fully integrated sexual being since embracing my demisexuality.

[@citydweller99]

For me, I recently had an experience with a non demisexual. A mutual friend fixed us up because he figured we'd click..and it turns out it was due to the fact it was assumed both of us were demisexual. As it turned out, it wasn't the case. This date and I clicked, and one night I let him crash at my place because he was drunk. Turns out he wanted to hook up and I said I wasn't into that. Told him I was demisexual, explained what that was etc. Even gave him an out saying I didn't want to keep.him from meeting the right person..he said he was fine, liked me, etc. Flashforward 2 months and he admitted he was bothered I didn't sleep with him, figured I didn't like him and was confused about how we spent wonderful time together and didn't get it. We mutually ended things and a month later, he had found a new boyfriend. I hope he's happy and is honest with his new boyfriend because honesty matters

[@_officialmigs]

I know it is 2022, but all I am grasping from the term "demisexual" is that you lean towards the more standard heteronormative sexual convention... granted that definition has evolved over the last decade or so. But to me it just seems like this panel (and possibly myself because I relate a lot to what I have read and watched about demisexuality) want to know a person before jumping their bones... which may no longer be the norm in our society... but it is still pretty much a basic and straightforward concept... So much so that 90% of Hollywood movies and TV is based on the premise. I don't know if it is just a label for the sake of having more labels. or if I am missing something. To me this just feels like we want to put ourselves in yet another box. Am I wrong? I don't want to come off as rude if that is how this is being read. I am just seeking clarification.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Thank you for sharing your insights. I can relate to much of what you share here.

[@JohnTCowie]

You're correct. It's yet more ridiculous navel gazing

[@gabrieltancredinicotra]

thanks, I didn't know this word, I quite recognize myself in the description. But do we really need a word for it? Isn't it perhaps simply the type of behavior that characterizes a person who has a certain type of sensitivity, empathy, rejecting manipulation and oppression, who has done work on himself, often of a spiritual nature, who gives value to life, and who is no longer led by own more animalistic drives?

[@10-OSwords]

Yes, team nice guy, team trust. I also believe whomever I'm dating is looking for the same things I'm looking for (monogamy, closeness, having things in common) & I completely can't see ALL the red flags that are very there...I just start falling because I project what I desire onto other people because I think I go for "nice guys", not understanding they may be nice but that doesn't equate necessarily with looking for what I'm looking for. It's also very hard for me to see someone acting in a certain way toward me & understand that they may just be looking for a hookup because I don't put that energy out there & everyone I know & the people in general around me know that that is not what I'm looking for. I think I believe if someone is attracted to me it's because they think the same way I do & not that they're just physically attracted to me. It's a lot of projection.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

I soooo relate to this share!! Thank you for speaking this truth 🙏 - Matt

[@derekdowney8793]

It's even though this is a 2-year-old podcast I guess you made it two years ago is what is telling me it's very informative or at least for me it was. I have to admit though I didn't know it had a name demisexual. I have a lot in common with actually all of you in one way or another, I'm just glad there's a lot more out there like me going through the same thing and you guys. Is a very interesting and informative stories and wanted to thank you for sharing.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thanks for this wonderful comment!❤

[@darrellsmith9001]

So are saying there a lot more guys out there who like me want more than just sex? I'm struggling right now finding A new boyfriend on Facebook because I was in an abousesive relationship. And I don't want to be with anyone who will hit me or use me. But all I seam to find is guys who want to know about wether or I have a bank account or maybe how much money I have. But I'm looking for someone who will encourage me to grow do whatever is good for me. My friends are always telling me to be more selective with who I chat with but I find guys at first seam to want what I do but then after I think I'm getting somewhere then they start asking for money. I even get guys who get me to send them private pics and then try to threaten to expose me or turn me into to law enforcement if I don't pay them.

[@joannajett2524]

10 minutes in, I relate to what Carlos said so much ! Outside of my relationship I'm basically asexual, but with my boyfriend (I'm a woman) I'm totally hypersexual. Also the "creating a narrative" thing is exactly teenage me (late twenties now). Oh and yeah, niceness is hot !! I saw someone repost an article the other day about how most people are mainly attracted to people who aren't nice and it blew my mind. But maybe that's just because I'm demi ?

[@mattlandsiedel]

Me too! So many demisexuals are like this because I think we go hungry for so long that when we get fed we eat a lot 😂

[@joannajett2524]

@@mattlandsiedel =D

[@alanaban1840]

Sex immorality of all kinds. The day we see men and woman is sex has gone because of sin and men lust

[@toomiepal]

Thank you for this video. Would the best match for a demisexual be another demisexual?

[@mattlandsiedel]

In my opinion yes, but if not the other person needs to be at the very least emotionally available

[@dolores7589]

Getting to know someone and connecting with them before going to bed is something straight people did for, like, centuries. Why does it need a special label with the gays I don’t understand. It’s what emotionally mature people do, no matter their orientation.

[@phillipbrooks5018]

I am going to remember that "Emotional connection makes me horny" Forever! Thank you so much!

[@ami18ification]

Everyone was fantastic. But Carlos if you are still single by any chance, let me know lol

[@adambathon]

I’m a gay demisexual.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Awesome! Welcome to the Demi fam 😊

[@alanaban1840]

All dem are gay

[@ShowBizJunkie]

Address some race issues! When do you guys open up for friendship with non whites

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

We have many episodes that address race issues. Racism in the gay community, internalized racism, diversity in the gay community, etc. Have you watched any of those yet?

[@ShowBizJunkie]

@GayMenGoingDeeper you talk about the existence of them but not how to cope with them. You guys dont even tell why you disliked the person leaving them wonder where they really went wrong. You dont talk about what kind of friends white people make? Are white people from childhood raised to be reserved? Also what is your fear about being friends with other cultured specially recent imports to USA.

[@ShowBizJunkie]

@GayMenGoingDeeper also I am not stacking this up against you for having a racial preference. We all have that. I have them too. I also have some reservation with forming friendships. For example, Ican not join you guys for drinking. I can not be friends with atheist, and I dont plan to be out. I dont believe in gay identity and living life as 1. I also have realized that I am asexual and , therefore, I believe sexuality is more fluid rather than dividing it into identities or top/bottom. I enjoy neither position but everything else around it

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

@@ShowBizJunkie what exactly would you like to see in an podcast episode? I don’t understand what you mean about white people being reserved and not making friends.. please elaborate

[@ShowBizJunkie]

@GayMenGoingDeeper Are you raised as only associating with your own race? Do you consider other races inferior to you? May be you just want people with same interest/culture to hang out with which is not an issue? I have been chatting with this guy for 2 years. He never initiates conversation, but he likes me enough that he responds. This connection has never grown out of text space. I initiate the contact first and he never cares to do that. If I dont contact him, I will never hear from him. Just a month ago, I suggested meeting over coffee. He has consistently excused himself out. I just dont understand why? What is his fear? He has expressed that he finds me attractive and yet doesn't want to meet me. The only explanation, I have is race issue and I could be wrong So talk about your cultural preferences for sex, friendsip, dating and relationship.