Internalized Homophobia in the Gay Community

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What is internalized homophobia?
How does it show up in your life?
What can you do to address it?
On this episode, we’re going deeper within as we unpack internalized homophobia. We’ll share our own experiences as well as some tips that will inspire you to look within to heal the aspects of yourself that may be harbouring these negative beliefs.
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Welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a KZbin series where your hosts Calan Breckon, Matt Landsiedel and Michael DiIorio talk about all things personal development, mental health and sexuality.
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HOSTS:
CALAN - www.discoveringyourtruth.com/
MATT - www.mattlandsiedel.com/
MICHAEL - www.wellismo.com/
ABOUT:
The Gay Men's Brotherhood is a group for gay men to connect with each other on the journey of healing from shame and becoming more authentic and aligned to their truth.
The group aims to offer inspiration, support, connection, healing, and a safe place to show up just as you are.
Our vision for the members is to learn to feel more comfortable showing up vulnerably so deeper intimacy can be established in our community.
We dream of a gay community where everyone can feel more connected to one another in more ways than just sexual and we can feel less loneliness as a byproduct.
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[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Have you struggled with internalized homophobia? Tell us your story in the comments 🔽🔽

[@michaelk622]

I can’t believe this podcast exists. Y’all are swans too my duckling

[@partyguy1234]

Such an important topic! As always I enjoyed listening to all of your stories, definitely very relatable. I especially was interested in Calan’s story about his femme coworker. As someone who has always been considered by others to have a naturally feminine personality (the way I talk, interests, androgynous features, ect.) I’ve definitely always been one of those “oh you gay” people as he mentioned lol. Its crazy when people are telling you that you are gay before you even knew what it meant. A huge micro aggression I experienced most of my life is people changing their voice to sound more “queen” like when they respond to me, almost in a mocking way, when I just want to genuinely have a conversation with them just being myself and not putting thought into it. I assume this comes from people thinking femininity is performative and an act if your a male in general? Very thought provoking episode!! Keep up the good work.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Glad you enjoyed the episode!!

[@CalanBreckon]

Glad you enjoyed the episode Taylor! And yes, Billy changed my life and I’m forever grateful to him for it ❤️

[@ryanalmighty2630]

As someone attracted to the feminine, it was a slow burn to realize that I was seemingly incapable of wanting to be topped, nor did I have interest in tolerating it, and that was ok. There was no man that it was erotic for me to imagine that with, and my experience with the act brought me no kind of pleasure any time I tried it. I also realized I wouldn't be happy if I were with someone that needed to put me in that role for their own happiness.

[@gw6482]

What do I love about being a gay man? Besides the great music, I love how strong it has made me after years of bullying, and the great queer people I’ve met all these years, including of course my partner and so many fabulous friends! Thanks for a great episode, so many people need to hear this so urgently!

[@WellismoCoaching]

Well said Gabe, thanks for sharing your responses here 🏳‍🌈

[@philipzanoni]

We're attracted to straight men just like woman are. We don't have to be attracted to men that are just gay. We date gay men because straight men won't. But the feminine in us is attracted to a man. Nit because he's fay but because he's a MAAAN! Yum.. You Get it?

[@keithp6056]

This was really terrific. I enjoyed listening to your discussion. I struggle a great deal with internalized homophobia. It's this hidden part of myself that affects all aspects of my life. My interaction with friends and the outside world is always a constant thought process of how I can come off as straight acting as possible. Recently, someone asked me if I was gay, and it embarrassed me. I felt my whole act failed and that I must be coming off as totally feminine. At times I just refrain from talking all together because my outward appearance is masculine, but once I open my mouth my gay mannerisms come through. I know I should be myself, but it's still very hard to do that. I even considered changing my speech pattern to sound less feminine. My partner of 20 yrs thinks I'm insane, so that will probably never happen. But you can see the lengths I would go to be perceived in a certain way. Can you recommend any books about this subject? (I read the velvet rage, and expected to be more impressed with it. I didn't totally identify with alot of it.) Thanks!

[@CalanBreckon]

Hey Keith, thanks for your comment! I’d say start off with “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown…but really anything by her is great in my opinion :)

[@keithp6056]

@@CalanBreckon Awesome thanks so much.

[@jo.k.4210]

I would love an episode on the divine masculine and feminine

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Thanks for the suggestion! Good one 👍🏼

[@jo.k.4210]

​@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thanks its a big topic so probably needs two videos to really focus on each energy. Thank you for listening to ideas:)

[@sricardo8223]

I love this channel!!! Keep going

[@Swilkay]

I love you guys!

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

❤❤❤

[@jako6214]

As a gay man I'm interested in men who are male acting. The gay community is varied as the straight community. No two gay men are the same and I don't want to get in touch with my feminine side. Gay does NOT mean you have to love musicals, Barbara, make-up, and all the dumb stereo-types associated with our community. I guess you could call me a grunge gay man.

[@WellismoCoaching]

There are many flavours, you're right. And not everyone needs to have the same expression of their femininity. No I don't *have* to love musicals, Barbara, and makeup but I just do because I do. I never have felt obligated. I love that we are a variety of gayness and we each get to choose our expression of it.

[@jaya.d-gauthier1644]

No, it isn’t. It’s just trendy to call masculinity toxic which makes no sense. We like men.

[@alanaban1840]

As a gay man you lifestyle is twisted/ like charges repel each other/ men are attracted to woman / we all came from a woman with the input of a man / the woman was made for the man not the man for the man/ that is the truth/ do not change the truth/ this is a lie/ the body parts of two men was not design to fit/

[@that1monk]

i love my gay brothers and myself, even when we're not ready to love ourselves. ❤🏳‍🌈

[@seto749]

It makes sense that masc-of-centre people would find much to do in embracing going in a more feminine-coded direction. You three do far better than most in avoiding the modern mindset that not finding X quality attractive is active bigotry that MUST be overcome. I just hope that dwindles away before reaching the point of conversion therapy.

[@ArRechouKreiz]

I'd love to sign up and get on the waiting list... But I don't want to be on nor use FB... 😭 I am a soon-to-turn 48 year old single gay man in Brittany, France, btw. 😘

[@CalanBreckon]

You don’t have to be on FB to be on our waitlist or part of the membership community. It’s honest on it’s own website :) You can sign up here: gay-mens-brotherhood.ck.page/membership-waitlist

[@ArRechouKreiz]

Done ! Thank yall ! 😘

[@ciaranhagghaggerty326]

I really loved this conversation. Insightful and articulate and very honest and open.

[@ArRechouKreiz]

Would yall consider speaking about typically gay addictions, like chems or altogether chemsex? It has been so rampant here, even in rural Brittany, and no one seems to care...

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

Nothing is off the table and it's for sure something we will consider for the future! Thanks for the idea!

[@missricka6801]

Thank you, all of you for your thoughtful and informative discussion of the topic. I would like to take the topic of internalized homophobia in the gay community to a different level and that is as it relates to domestic violence as it occurs in gay relationships and which I believe is a manifestation of internalized shame and projected condemnation of being gay. This was brought close to home for me personally by the murder of my gay brother by his husband a few years ago and which is something I am still working through. My brother it should be noted had a history of intimate relationships with physically abusive men and I have only recently had the epiphany that this was in fact a manifestation of his feelings of shame and guilt and self- deprecation which allowed others, and specifically his significant others to mistreat him and which ultimately led to his death. In his case as well as in mine, as we were siblings, we grew up in an uber religious, strict and judgmental family where it was instilled in us that homosexuals were hated by God, were sinning against God and are condemned to burn in hell for eternity. The internalization of this is that we gravitated toward, if not sought out intimate partners who would render the punishment and suffering we deserved. Of course this occurs on a subconscious level. While I myself had never been in a physically abusive relationship I did have a pattern of relationships which were abusive emotionally and financially. And it has taken a lot of personal reflection and work to recognize and change this, which includes recognizing these patterns early on. I know that statistically domestic violence in gay intimate relationships is under-reported and it occurs with some frequency in gay intimate relationships, and is driven by shame, guilt and self-deprecation and which manifests in both the abusers and the victims.

[@mattlandsiedel]

Thanks for sharing your experience of this episode and letting into your reality. We are so appreciative of all your beautiful and thoughtful comments 🙏❤️

[@tiny_human6516]

This is so beautiful, but in all honestly; do dating preferences equal internalized homophobia? I've been talking/dating a guy for two years and lately, he started to go through a journey of exploring his sexuality more. He started to paint his nails grow out his hair and wear ponytails and changing how he presents himself. Which I'm all about, but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to all of this new personality, but I'm not sure if this is just internal homophobia or just a preference.

[@CalanBreckon]

Hey King, I don't think there is any clean-cut version of this. Every person is their own unique story had has their own adventure to go on in this lifetime. What we highlighted here was just the big areas we noticed our own internalized homophobia in hopes that it helps others recognize their own. Only you know the answers that are right for you and that's a personal journey you're going to have to discover for yourself. All we ever try to do here on the podcast is create the conversation and share our own experiences and stories in hopes that it helps others out there

[@persephone342]

At the end of the day, you love your partner but if you’re not on board with all the changes, speak up about it. Your partner may view your lack of communication as you being down with all of it. It’s best to have someone reground you when you’re on an exploration of yourself. We’ve all got a trusted friend that can tell us anything and even piss us off but also know that they’re saying these things because they care and they’re concerned about you. It’s not internalized homophobia if you’re not attracted to it. This is a exploration your mate is on, not his fully authentic identity. You just have to compromise, communicate, and speak your truth. Good luck!

[@dmmoctober]

Late to this party but I am only ever attracted to straight guys in the gym and I have hyper "straightdar" I reckon.

[@enzomthethwa5861]

When it comes to straight men, we as gay men hold them up on a pedestal because that's the standard for us in a straight world. Therefore, we worship them, we idolize them, and we try to look, talk, dress, and act like them. We have to come to the point of acceptance that we're not straight men, we're never going to be straight men, and that's okay. We are beautiful and incredible as we are as gay men. Removing that impossible standard frees us to focus on becoming our most authentic selves.

[@guyafrica7894]

Wonderful seeing a fellow South African queer person here. The internalized Homophobia is so terrible in South Africa because we are raised to be hyper masculine to define being black men. Worse we never even get a chance to just be children who learn to be in touch with their emotions. So the ability to self reflect on internalized Homophobia is already stunted.

[@jaya.d-gauthier1644]

No, we all do not. People complain were generalized and stereotyped yet it’s other lgbt people saying crazy generalizations lol

[@alanaban1840]

Like charges repel each other/ unlike charges attract each other/ it takes man and woman to bring you into this world/ two men cannot procreate/ the body parts cannot fit/ plug and socket/ put thing in places they were design to fit/ if the two cannot make one it is wrong

[@alanaban1840]

You are wonderful made but you lifestyle is not / it is twisted not natural / like charges repel each other/ woman was made for man not men for man / this is unnatural/ sex is design to be better man and woman/ not man and man / the parts do not ft it is force to

[@havepeaceonearth]

It seems that there is a small minority of gay men attracted to vety fem guys...they are out there...and I am not referred to bi men, that is another category.

[@GayMenGoingDeeper]

We agree with you! Attractions within the 🌈community are diverse, and there's space for all types of preferences. It's important to acknowledge and respect the spectrum of desires and identities.🤩

[@philipzanoni]

We are attracted to straight men because they are men! We love nen not because they're gay but because they have manly qualities. The feminine in us is turned on by the masc.. just like woman.

[@MCTape-MCScan-MCGlue-MCCargo]

Love other bi or pan people is what i do screw many straight people they don’t give a crap about any of our struggles, so to hell with 75% of them.

[@alanaban1840]

If the two cannot make one or is wrong

[@kso808]

Very interesting episode! I wonder how far internalized homophobia can get, to the extent a guy enters a so-called heterosexual marriage, so called "lavender marriages?"

[@mattlandsiedel]

It happens all the time. I work with many mature gay men helping them through this very thing

[@kso808]

@@mattlandsiedel That's very helpful to know.

[@primolemanu9193]

Would you all now find ultra feminine guys sexually attractive?