I still live in the closet at 73. Whenever I am surrounded by straight men like at work at the gym. I act butch because I fear ridicule to be my authentic self

Hi! I've been on the fringes since the beginning. I would love to get more involved but I do not use Facebook or other Meta services, is there any interest around making a Discord group or something off of Meta?

Thank you for this. Matt! It was a very informative interview. I just wished there was information regarding "Retrograde Ejaculation", this is an issue that has seldom (if ever) been discussed. I am a healthy gay male who had never had problems with ejaculation. If anything I was one of those who took pride on 'shooting' great volumes every time I masturbated. Yet, suddenly at age 45, it all stopped. I went to see a urologist, who examined my penis and urethra and saw nothing wrong with me. I have never had any kind of penile trauma, diabetes or anything that could actually cause retrograde ejaculation. All he suggested was to take Sudafed (to help open up the urethra) about 30 minutes before planning to ejaculate. It never really worked. The urologist said it wasn't really important to ejaculate unless I planned to have children in the future. (I do not). This problem has left me feeling very depressed and almost suicidal at some point. It has been 10 years since. I'm now in my 50s and learned to live with it. Never the less, I never got 'cured' and still not know what caused it.

This podcast is so good. I'm out to 4 family members and 5 or so friends. But I still feel so much shame and inauthenticity. This podcast helps me sit with it and work through it bit by bit.

I'm just realising that I'm not completely in the closet, but somewhat out of it because several years ago I told two people in my life (a close friend and a family friend). I've just always assumed that being totally out would be if I was open to my parents and siblings about who I am, which is probably true. I feel like that's true from watching this episode, i.e. once we have told those people whose blood is the same as the one running through our veins, we're officially out. From there, the hyper-vigilance doesn't have a purpose to serve because we know our loved ones have our back (that is if they support us). I don't want to miss out on the ability to love freely, a gift I can only get from being out and authentically myself. For this reason, I'll seriously consider coming out. Thanks Micheal, Matt, Reno!

Thanks for covering this. I feel anxious stage of life of being alone and growing older without someone to depend or support if I do need help if Im, for example, sick or in other medical need. That's why I'm focused on taking care of myself by eating healthier, working out, go on runs, etc. so that I can be preventative. But, in the back of my mind I'm anxious about my future self if I'm unable to access medical/physical needs if I do need it, and costs for medical care is horrendous! It's harder, I think, for gay men because of the difficulty to find someone that are empathetic and focus on a meaningful relationship.

Mr J seems fully converted to compbi, which won't work for all that many gays.

Im getting older now and i still dont fit in with either side. Same with family. Ive turned into a loner. I can stay home for weeks at a time not seeing anyone. I only had 1 8 year relationship and it was devastating when it ended . I was pretty wild and loud back then and now find myself only comfortable alone and in peace and quiet. My only real company is my dog. A boxer. And honestly im at peace with myself.

Another good episode.

Matt, so correct to suggest helping you audience ! Please 🙏 help.

Great support from the 2 of you. How admirable. Timeless wisdom.Thank you. Please ask for your needs. Our communities want to help you.

9.07, same

Watch the full episode here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qJ6zoJaDh7R-bbc

This episode really hits the nail on its head.....ticks all 'shame' checkmarks. This podcast is nothing short of a boon for for gay kids growing up. There was no internet when I was growing up, so I had to deal with a lot of trauma on my own, and admittedly I did not deal with it the right way. You guys are doing an admirable job putting it all out there. I can imagine that it can't be easy (though it must be therapeutic as times as well)

These podcasts remain real and connect with people of all ages, for anyone who is looking for more meaning within.... you guys bring up identifiable topics. Gay culture/our culture, is full of enigmas about supporting one another and being accepting of one another. Loneliness comes from these social feeling/s of not being a part of the group and feeling we don't belong, I have never sought acceptance by gay men, it was too much to deal with along with dealing with professional growth and self care. My mantra, be happy, live the life you choose, why do I need to fit in? Thankfully we can evolve and age is a blessing for so many reasons.

Thank you for the positive approach of viewing ourselves as lovable, vulnerable beings, who individually need to find the path and the things that help define our needs. Defining boundaries is the best advice I've heard. Allowing ourselves to become open to knowing what we need and how to discover our best life. You both have opened my mind to things I have not considered. Thank you.

I really cannot complain about huge trauma compared to other people. I’ve never been a victim of sexual abuse or anything like that, but this episode opened my eyes about all the different kinds of trauma. I was definitely a victim of bullying and repression of my sexuality my whole childhood and adolescence, but I rose to the occasion and it made me stronger (or at least I like to think so). However it also face negative consequences, my levels of anxiety are through the roofs, and I rarely cry, I wish I did more, I just can’t, but it’s ok. So I hope this episode helps people make the decision to seek help, I just started talking to a professional a couple weeks ago, let’s see how it goes.

You guys are like group therapy. For me. Thank you

Great video - thank you. I've been having these conversations for a while now, and it's great to hear it articulated so well and with such heart. :) I accept the premise that we need to do the work (to become more authentic/strip the layers), but there's a downside to this framing: it could trigger a kind of self-referential attribuion bias in some people. The risk is that negative outcomes in dating are seen as signifiers of a lack of personal authenticity, but there are many other factors involved, including folks who are very good at aping authenticity (at least initially), and those who switch to avoidant once they realise the other person authentically represents the chance of a real connection. And especially online, the preconscious stuff can be derailed by carefully curated content. I know you factor in all this, but wonder whether there's a different way of articulating this point so it doesn't risk folk feeling as if we're perenially single cos we haven't hit peak authenticity yet (tongue partly in cheek here). :)

High self esteem is high regard for one self. Feeling one is worthy of love and respect. Doing the best for one self. And feeling one deserves the best in life and working to achieve that.

Thanks Matt and Dr. Frank for this episode! ❤

Great job Dr. Anderson and Matt. These are the conversations that more 🏳️‍🌈 guys need to have. Keep up the good work ⭐️💫💫 …and Dr. Anderson…there’s no way that you’re 61. You’re in your early 40s. Stop lying to us 😊

Wow! This was such a moving show for me. I've been in and out of therapy processing my "stuff." The part that has been missing, yet vitally important, is thanking, embracing, and loving my trauma protectors. THANK YOU both for this gift, and thank you for trying to get it out into our community. We are so wonderful, but so fractured and in need of self love and compassion.

While the healing work is never complete, there is something rewarding in adult life as I rediscover those layers of myself that were trapped in the dark as layers to protect me growing up.

I was forced "out." People got into my business and thought it was theirs to put out in the public. It wasn't a choice I made. I never had any intention of telling anybody anything about what was going on in my private life. It was private for a reason. I'd never have "come out" if it was up to me. I had personal freedom without having to put my private life on blast. Not everybody wants to "come out." Being private isn't the same as living in some kind of bondage. It just means you keep your business to yourself.

Amazing message, what an episode!!

Great conversation! 😊 So authentic and vulnerable and alive!

I thought I was a narcissist but I realize in therapy it was just survival tactics and defense mechanisms from growing up in a toxic family being the gay scapegoat and blscksheep… even unhealed empaths can be very manipulative to get their needs met. I am very intelligent and at 43 I have arrested development beause I had alot of trauma. I was infantilizedb and became overly dependent on other people for everything and I hated that

Narcissism runs in my family and I had a victim mindset most of my life but I was me being a victim within but didn’t want ant to seem like a victim with other people.

I’m a 43 gay black man and I have lonely my entire life ..I have always been an extroverted and fun loving guy but kept finding myself without deep connections. Finally started a spiritual awakening in 2020 and started on my healing journey and realize the one abd only friend I had for 14 years was. Very narcissistic and toxic so I walked away from her and a relationship and many family members and begun healing journey. I crave real deep connection but I still have hope that now I’m healing I finally will attract that

Wow 😮 this was a great conversation. It touched the core issues trauma holds. I'm apprehensive in dating because i still need to HEAL from the shame. Thank you for such an insightful conversation. ❤❤❤❤❤

There are fewer cis men who are gays. Most cis are bisexuals. It is not about falling in love with straights. We look for cis men who are mostly living under straight shadow or chose a straight life.

I'm the poster child for not belonging. Yes I carry the burden of trauma...C-PTSD. A little unnoticed sexual abuse as a child, no positive gay - anything - growing up. Perpetual bullying and being labeled as gay. Fear of discovery and being kicked out of the house, beaten or murdered. When I finally accepted my sexual orientation just after high school, so I was 18...I thought I'd finally find community and friends in the gay community. That didn't happen. I was told once upon a time people found me intimidating....which I assumed was my layer upon layer of protection I had created to keep out harmful and negative people. It didn't help that I don't dance or even enjoy music, I'm not a city kind of guy and sex was just one big source of anxiety. I eventually walked away and now it's been 30 years. I am out, but I have never dated or cohabitated with anyone. I have no gay friends. I live in complete solitude all the time. I cannot relate to the "community" at all. I find the issues that gay community fights for today are just out of touch with actual problems. I also worked in Corrections for 20 years, retiring early from my C-PTSD. Working in a harsh environment of prison, and living in the Bible belt probably didn't help my situation. I believed for a long time that eventually I'd meet someone closer to my situation, but the few that I have met, weren't interested. Anyway, I've come to accept my situation. I've even joked with myself that my lover just hasn't been born yet 😂. Because I've had so little experience emotionally or sexually I feel like I couldn't connect with anyone my age. I never had the chance to grow and explore my sexuality. It wouldn't be fair to subject someone to my lack of emotions. I was left behind by my own situation, and not having a support system. I've done lots of therapy over the years and I've always been told I have great insight into my situation and I'm highly resilient. All that said, there is no place for me in the gay community. From my decades of observation of people it seems to me that the community is fixated on only those who are very visible. I am certain there's a large number of people like myself who aren't colorful, who can't hold a tune or break out a move on the dancefloor and don't see sex as the prime objective of life. Overall the gay community has always felt like a club, you're either in, or you're not. That's not a community in my view. I'm not complaining, it's where I am. Maybe others can relate.

I’m a 43 year old black gay man and had my first spiritual awakening due to a NDE on June 6 2020 at the age of 39 and because I was running from it last year I was diagnosed with cancer which forced me to really go within

No one understands a Gay man better than another Gay man 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🧿🧿🧿✝️✝️✝️🌠🌠🌠 Gay men of all the world together forever 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🧿🧿🧿✝️✝️✝️🌠🌠🌠🌎🌏🌍

What a fantastic presentation. Thanks Matt and Frank!

Well, im partially in the closet, if that makes sense. Only a selected few know that I am. I only share when someone asks me. So, is this wrong that i don't blast my sexual orientation. I only say when it's in an appropriate context, i.e. i don't mention it at work.

I'm looking a good app,but maximum app people are fake,anyone tell me which is good one

15:10 this made me so sad 😢 people don’t realize how beautiful and resilient gay men are

Great interesting, informative conversation, I think it's also important to heal so as not to pass the trauma on to others and the next generation, like a vicious circle.

Thank you for this amazing podcast.💞 More elaboration on love frequency is only, part of authenticly frequency, please.💗🙏

Definitely would like to work with Frank; great conversation and insights

Thank you for your work! This was very informative and interesting to watch.

I'll turn 71 in a week . I came out in 1973 . Yet i still feel paranoid (sometimes) about being perceived as gay. 😢

Growing up gay for me was like splitting myself into two lives. Oddly enough I was more myself outside of the home, with friends and strangers, but I would clam up and hide when I was with family. To the point where I wouldn’t speak. Outside of the home I could be expressive but I was too scared to show myself to the people I loved the most and that should be there for you unconditionally. I was living in a way that tried to protect me from the rejection of my family, a rejection that I thought would be too close to home and would break me if I were to be “found out”. Now it’s the opposite - my family knows and is supportive but I still carry the fear of being “out” to those around me. I’ve technically been out since my twenties but coming up on 30, it stills feels like a screen door.

My best friend and former therapist had cptsd. He died last year from suicide from bipolar down extremes.

My best friend and former therapist had cptsd. He died last year from suicide from bipolar down extremes.

Wow, really powerful stuff. I feel incredibly frustrated at my (what I see as a) lack of willingness to let go, which only increases my fear of doing just that. So much of what you guys talked about I related to. Thanks for sharing.

Great presentation. I’m sure I have cptsd. I’ve been in therapy for 35 years. I feel the trauma, but don’t have many memories. I del with parts of it. But some parts I intuit. I’ve dealt a lot with shame but the layers keep coming.

This is a powerful, powerful healing message. How very insightful. Thank you!