Did you get accused of this when you started dating after a narcissistic relationship?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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[@pettylabelle7944]

Something I’ve learned: if someone is pressuring you to trust them, they don’t deserve your trust. Trust is earned. And it is earned on YOUR TERMS. Not anyone else’s.

[@obscurum6]

Anyone pushing another into trusting them is being abusive.

[@thedabney3263]

This is so true

[@alibertylover]

I once dated a woman that expressed that she only chooses to have relationships on her " terms". My response was : What about my terms ? If you want to have a relationship on your terms only, you have a wonderful life.... See yah

[@obscurum6]

@@alibertylover There is a big difference between what the OP was using the word terms for and what you are saying. However, when someone says what that woman said to you it doesn't exclude you having terms at the same time as her terms! You criticize her for saying she will only have a relationship with you if you respect her boundaries (that's what terms are!) but you then say you won't have a relationship unless she agrees to your terms! Double standards much? Two people in a relationship should have terms, boundaries and dealbreakers otherwise you are not in a respectful adult relationship! Narcissists are the first to reject people who are upfront with their limits, like that woman was when she was HONEST with you at the beginning! You are behaving like a controlling narcissist.

[@alibertylover]

@@obscurum6 / Narcissistic ?? Nah, you must be projecting. Sometimes when people express intent, it must be challenged with a counter intent as cognitive analysis. Only then, can you identify the true agenda behind mere words. What's your IQ ? Why did you consider me a Narcissist for calling out a Narcissist ??????

[@simonecrevecoeur7737]

Better single than with the wrong person....that's what I have learned.

[@justforfun-jp2vc]

💯

[@nic5884]

Absolutely agree. But it is bloody lonely at times!!

[@pheliosking9484]

Took me 15 years to realize I’d done everything I could.

[@ciaraskeleton]

Bam. U got it 👍 💪

[@elena-jp6ge]

Better noone than just anyone Thats my motto Time is most valuable thing we have and lm not giving it away just to not be alone, in exchange for crappy love bombing

[@JoC-mp6sf]

One of the best memes I’ve seen and one I always keep in mind: “I’m not picky. I’ve seen this pattern of behavior before and I’m not falling for it”.

[@jennyl7422]

Yes! Love that saying :)

[@chloethemessenger]

Omg yessssssss

[@AnnieV1001]

Good one!!

[@Vollkornminze]

Yes man , truth bomb 🙌🏼

[@mariastevens6406]

The difficult part often is believing there are that many people out there showing the signs.

[@djmadijohnson]

I haven't started dating. I don't think I even want to. I'll be going on a little over 4 years of being single. Whats going on in the world of dating is scary now. I'm happy being single and alone. Alone does not mean lonely

[@EvaMariposa]

Totally agreed! Been single & happy for 5 yrs now. I'm willing to date if I meet someone worth the time, but as soon as I see red flags, I close all doors & windows 😁

[@maryannebrown2385]

Exactly!! I have been divorced since 2013 after a nightmare of 18 years of marriage. I have absolutely NO desire to be in another relationship. Why? My children were still quite young and they both struggle with learning disabilities. I felt like I had more than enough on my plate, plus why would I want to bring a strange man into their lives? They were already going through enough with the divorce. I thought after a while I would want to start dating again, but I just don’t. I enjoy having my own time, spending time with friends and my family. I feel very fulfilled and content-which is a very far cry from how I felt married. No thanks!

[@guialogistica-canaloficial779]

Likewise

[@MsCatholicforever]

@@maryannebrown2385 I was that way too.... single for over 20 years now....happy, content, fulfilled, no drama! My son turned out great in spite of his dad's craziness. I have had quite a few interested men, but I knew they weren't the quality I was looking for. I didn't date.

[@justforfun-jp2vc]

This. I’d rather be emotionally safe and stable and minding my own business. Even when I get spurts of overwhelming loneliness, it won’t destroy me. It’s a valid feeling. I’d rather go through those waves than emotional torture. In loving myself I avoid conflict from dating and recognize red flags in others. Dating used to be a priority now I’m the priority.

[@jennifergodwin29]

Toxic people push and rush a relationship. Healthy people take their time. Thank you for this validating video and reframe.

[@anthonymorales842]

@@-sherrymokey- my ex rushed into a marriage. Our relationship was awful that doesn't mean they will be unhappy and I truly wish them the best. When she is present she is funny, immensely talented, supportive all that I could hope for. Of course there was the toxic other side, which I pray was only because of who I am.

[@sueblack5794]

Eh...it can happen with delayed attachment as well. don’t confuse love bombing with committiment. LoveBombing isn’t commitment or rushing into an actual relationship. Those who use the terms situationships FWB, as in the older days called playing the field. gratification with no commitment is probably more common form of narcissism in modern dating than rushing into a realtionship.

[@labaronnedecorbeauviolette5865]

@@-sherrymokey- That's just an exception to the rule, and please do not try to frame the exception AS the actual rule, just because you know of ONE DAMN TIME where it was different...

[@meilei8716]

Thank you. I couldn’t figure out if I was the narc and still question myself all the time. I kept pushing for more time and saying maybe he should take care of his ex before talking to me and he denied the problem.

[@tijeraslack3]

All facts! 💯🙌🏾

[@davidhinkson8856]

If someone seems too good to be true, or moves too fast, that is a problem. Better to be alone and happy than to have someone in your life and be miserable!

[@unleashthefury111]

I've just had this experience and ended a couple months ago. I absolutely cannot stop ruminating

[@unleashthefury111]

@@katylwi at what point did you cave in and start talking to him again after the first breakup? Why did you go back with him?

[@MagisterialVoyager]

Preach!

[@thedabney3263]

"Moving too fast"💯💯💯

[@andreaturnquist4855]

They don't want you but God forbid if anyone else does. Does anybody else relate?

[@justforfun-jp2vc]

💯big yes

[@andreaturnquist4855]

@@justforfun-jp2vc Why do they do it?

[@andreaturnquist4855]

@DragonFox Yes, he's doing it. He ALWAYS does.

[@marthamryglod291]

They will smear you if possible and you will find people treating you different without you knowing why.

[@pjSoCal23]

Yes... and then they are mad at themselves when you move on and leave them.

[@radish-xd6zz]

I had a friend tell me if I didn't stop being so picky I was going to end up an old cat lady. I told him he was overestimating how much I had liked being married and underestimating how much I love my cat. 😂

[@nannanz2097]

Cat lady is not an insult in my book. Bring them on 😺😺😺

[@TheWhisperTexan]

I love my two fur babies more than most people I know.

[@yas232]

Same.

[@obscurum6]

Ditch the so called friend!

[@juliar.4773]

Awesome! Good comeback.

[@gloriastroedecke2717]

As you already know, there are worse things than being alone. Do not forget that.

[@MsLuvmusic81]

ALone is not lonely

[@rakhisingh218]

Finding someone authentic is like a needle in a hay stack...

[@Seasquares]

To find the needle you must burn the haystack or use a magnet or carefully use the hay for bedding, carefully checking as you go.

[@anitramoore9514]

Truths!

[@anitramoore9514]

@@Seasquares 🥂🤣

[@heisenberg4501]

Staying single is better than rushing another relationship stayed with covert narc for 12yrs now i m single since 6 yrs feels inner peace n freedom to take proper decisions

[@1kalicid]

not every person who rushes into a relationship is a narc or with a narc.

[@foteotw]

Honestly, we can keep ourselves MUCH better company than the narcissists ever would.

[@Donita1213]

I know what you mean. Near the end of our relationship, my ex couldn't understand why I enjoyed being by myself more than being with him.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

I think this is very important, indeed.

[@bee12355]

I felt alone even though the ex narc was sitting right there. He was a covert narcissist. I couldn’t connect with him. He didn’t share much with me. He would insult me.

[@NarcSurvivor]

When you start dating after a narcissistic relationship, you will be accused of cheating or being neglectful. They see it as though you’re their property for life.

[@jennifergodwin29]

Yes, this was part of his smear campaign. When I started dating again, that I was cheating on him while we were together but reality is I started dating after I broke it off with him.

[@applesandoranges9916]

ugh exactly what I got. I was told I was a slut and was never loyal etc when I only started to see (or even socialize!) with other people after things ended

[@yuyu69vibration]

omg yessss same :( thats true

[@cchamming3686]

That wasn't my experience. My narcissistic abusive ex moved on within a few days after the break up. Actually he was preparing back ups throughout our entire relationship, getting his other supplies ready. If ever we argued, he would disappear or go on a "break", go see his other groomed supplies and then come back to me. This cycle happened several times. Some narcissists though just move on quickly with cold malice. (He would take his new supplies to the place we used meet, which happens to be right outside my work office). Narcissists are calculating and won't say or do anything if it doesn't benefit them or result in supply

[@Utaker935]

That’s true. That’s my fear. I may divorce and turn my back but all I will be doing is making it harder for myself because I am not in a position to gain information from the context of the situation. I get cold shouldered and excluded a lot. That is one of my Narc wife’s best weapons. She will take the boys into a room and close the door. My oldest is the golden child flying monkey, who I fear is becoming a Narc. I did not know what I was dealing with until recently and the damage was already done. That is in me.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Narcissist kryptonite: No. & I don't care. Both are complete sentences.

[@mariaalaniz5437]

I’m 42 years old and I honestly feel like I’m better off being alone the rest of my life . I guess I’m terrified of being in another narcissistic abusive relationship.

[@brendakrause5639]

My feelings also.

[@kristenbrown4526]

Me, too. I'm petrified of it happening again. I'm going to keep working on me and not worry about it.

[@csc8697]

61 & I feel the same way. Had a romantic relationship at age 50, when you think forever after , finally with this great guy. I'm so lucky. Then, the cheating, discard, money...you realize you have been played. " the perfect bf" Played well. It's a game of hearts they keep in a jar.

[@carolelegault9545]

Same here; combined with a solitary disposition, I find it imposible, at the moment, to engage in a serious relationship. 2000 to 2006 it lasted (did not live with him, my inner voice was strong). But I do feel somewhat stuck..

[@anitramoore9514]

I hear you!!! Damn truths!

[@joywebster2678]

For us older folks...my grandfather was married to a covert narc. My grandma died age 64. Grandpa met a lovely lady and remarried a year later. HIS kids were horrified. My new grandma was WONDERFUL. She was good to him, loved all 20 grandkids, and was his companion for 24yrs. She helped me as a child so much. So with discernment you can find a good partner and have good outcomes. Blessings to us all as we heal.

[@MassageMagick1111]

Omgosh! Thank you for that wonderful story!

[@mandimarie2379]

Being raised by a narcissist you learn to take what you can get & unconditional love is nonexistent. So it feels selfish to be discerning and more practical to think that it’s just unlikely there is a good person out there for a future relationship. I guess this is the next step in the healing process! 🌈💖

[@user-kq4kd8be2t]

There is a saying that goes something like this - People are more discerning when buying a new car than they are in choosing a life partner.

[@heatherstacy2976]

The perpetuated social fear of being alone makes me angry, to be honest. It's so damaging and unrealistic for people with the best of intentions. People deserve quality in relationships, not quantity of time.

[@sahelsavymehrabanifakhar5993]

Dr ramani I just want to say I can’t afford therapy but I always wanted it. You’ve honestly saved my life. Please never stop making videos. You are honestly my strongest support system right now. Thank you

[@violeta27v]

Me too.

[@lindauselman9054]

Therapy is not required. Time alone - - to look back - and recognize every red flag that we missed prior - is essential. Allowing ourself to Cry - and Hurt is essential. Narcissists attempt to shut down an Empath’s Emotions. Narcissists work overtime - to get People to shut down their Frontal Cortex - and their 2ND Brain / Gut Instincts.

[@ifeelsqueaky]

I am terrified of dating to be quite honest. Think I'd rather be by myself for a while...

[@thanatosonpluto5098]

My problem is a lot of my experiences with narcissists involved dropping sly comments or passive aggressive remarks to control how I feel about something. Unfortunately I become suspicious of innocent comments and freak people out when I become serious and go 'what do you mean by that?' They don't understand I am screening them for that kind of behavior and think I am crazy 😂

[@lalat5899]

Exactly!

[@moniquejackson7741]

@Joey Barszcz Narc Abuse suppresses discernment. It's literally learning a new language for some Survivors.

[@floxendoodle942]

I say, “Let them think you are crazy.” Better that than to end up with a narc because you let things slide. You can just say it in an inquisitive way, not a defensive way. Make them explain and “earn their supper.”

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Narc: "You're crazy". Me nodding: Yes, I agree. I'm batshit. Narcs have that effect. (said with a shit eating grin) 😁

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

@DragonFox Narcissist kryptonite: No. & I don't care. Both are complete sentences.

[@AR-ed4pj]

After I left a 20 year marriage, my first relationship was with a much more toxic narcissist. It was the best thing I could have done. I had read up on narcissist, and could see, and for the first time, feel, in real time, the narcissistic flips: how he would shame me for my emotions, or blame me for bringing up minor issues I had with him. I saw how he followed the script of a narcissistic relationship, and really understood love bombing and devaluation with a more critical eye. He wanted love and admiration, but as I got to know him better, he had to devalue me, because I was seeing the real him. I realized that I was attracted to these qualities because it reflected my experiences with my mother. Having the power to leave this relationship, after carefully seeing the narcissistic red flags, gave me confidence that I can do so again until I find a person who I want to be with. It also gave me confidence that I can recognize red flags and act accordingly.

[@wisecoconut5]

Oh my! You just told my story perfectly. That first dating experience was such an eye opener. I still was not aware of narcissism then so I had no vocabulary for my experiences but I was much more aware due to my marriage. Such a gift! It was a huge growing experience. Because of that experience I came up with my dating mantra; "you don't have to trust him, you just have to trust yourself". That is, trust my own instincts and trust that I really do know myself. I've been with my second husband for 10 years now and our marriage is wonderful. It is the healthy, loving, supportive and fun relationship I always envisioned for myself.

[@maxp7302]

Oh thank you for posting! This gives me such hope that recovery IS possible. Your story is very inspirational :)

[@wisecoconut5]

@@maxp7302 Yes recovery is possible! Go slow. Above all be kind to yourself. When you encounter a other narcissist, ask yourself if being around that person is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

[@999Lumen]

It's hard to be single when it seems that everyone else has a 'family scene'. Still, your life is better.

[@elipotter369]

I agree. So many people don't want to be your friend because you don't fit with their couple lifestyle, and then most single women don't want to be your friend because they are hoping and hunting for a man, and treat women friends as a very poor second choice (!) So they are lonely and miserable, waiting for some bloke who probably isn't going to come along - instead of finding activities the love and companion women friends who can care about them if they care about them too. And you can't be friends with single men either, because they are only talking to you in hopes of a relationship, and if you don't instantly decide they get angry.

[@ajh757]

I wouldn’t say I’m damaged goods anymore, but I would say I am hyper vigilant to everything that happens in the first few days of meeting someone new. I feel like everything is a red flag and that any time we have anything in common they are just mirroring me and love bombing me. I’m worried I can’t tell the difference between someone I actually get along with and someone who’s just faking it until I’m hooked in. I definitely feel a loss of innocence. I am taking my time as far as getting serious with anyone. I have developed a few screening questions that I try to ask within the first few days. I usually try to ask what went wrong in their previous relationships or marriage to see if they take any responsibility for it not working out, or if they blame it entirely on their ex. But then again narcissists are masterful pathological liars so I worry I wouldn’t be able to know if they are telling the truth or not. It really is difficult to heal from this type of abuse.

[@lolasanchez7262]

I can totally relate.

[@lauriebrown468]

Yes, but your careful attitude will serve you. Healthy relationships will prove themselves.

[@samaraki]

I agree 💯 with your sentiment. I think it’s really hard tho to evaluate someone based on questions - because we can always be fooled by the answers. We really do need to trust ourselves and our decisions. Healing isn’t easy and when we’re scarred and afraid of being hurt again - it can throw us into another spiral. Being vigilant without being fearful is so important.

[@1chienandalou]

Yes, this has been super hard. I thought I was good at this sort of thing, but he could make his eyes smile, you know... I didn’t realize people could fake that sort of thing that well. I miss the ease my life had before. Stole my fun...

[@michelleg925]

Its sad what we lose and how long it takes to trust anyone.

[@chioj36]

7:40 "Discernment is something survivors are never taught" omg this. Yes. For the first time in my life I understand the concept of moving slow and allowing myself to trust someone and them trust me.

[@marygoodson4920]

The 2 narcissists I had long term relationships with sought me, went after me. Next time, I am choosing the person!

[@ericab8387]

I recall telling the narcissist that trust is something be earned and he said, “you don’t have to earn my trust. You already have it.” This made me feel silly for stating that trust is something to be earned overtime which in turn made me second guess myself! I thought, “oh, maybe I’m being too hard on him. Maybe I need to give him a chance!” And this was his psychological manipulation into progressing the relationship to his benefit and at faster pace of course. I’ll never forget how made me feel when he said you already have my trust when I had only dated him for 2-3 months. I certainly thought something must be wrong with me but now i understand it.

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

Trust is over-rated. Respect. Actions speak louder than words.

[@KatErina-ii6ru]

You had his “trust”.. BUT did he have yours? Put yourself first, you’re always worth it! Codependent people need to learn this and self-love ❣️God bless

[@katkameo6413]

Mine said this too...so when I suspected lies, I felt like the jerk.

[@obscurum6]

Trust isn't a done deal just because someone says they give you theirs! You don't owe someone trust in exchange for their trust in you! Trust should never be given out of obligation!

[@katkameo6413]

@@obscurum6 Absolutely, in hindsight.

[@pinklites803]

The one thing I got so tired of hearing was "I'm not going to change for you." I didn't realize that expecting someone to respect the boundaries of a relationship was "forcing" them to change. If that was the case, then me leaving shouldn't have been an issue.

[@Fireok73]

Interesting how I’ve said something like that at the beginning, yet she projected her views and likes making me feel guilty for not holding up for some standard. And yeah, my personality shifted into something I wouldn’t think I could be before meeting her - a twisted joke of myself

[@mercy3219]

My first husband was a grandiose narcissist and it took ten years to find someone who was completely different. Things were exciting, romantic in a non-traditional way, and we connected on many levels, but what I found most meaningful was when he said, "I want this to be more than infatuation, so let's go slowly."💞

[@bringhomethebasil8729]

The other person should respect you for wanting to take your time- if not, they aren’t worth your time.

[@RandomThot]

Absolutely - If people are authentic they would be ready to invest their own time effort and emotions else it's not worth it !! Not ready for another round of 'may be' may-be-not cycle ever again !

[@cymbolichuman433]

Some of us think they found somebody worth the effort, and then you find out that it's another variation of a narcissistic relationshit.

[@naveedrehman2987]

I don’t don’t think there is enough time on earth to get to “know” someone in this life because you have an entire generation of “people” who are selfish.

[@squirrel_of_mistri8565]

It's not just one generation.

[@ic7804]

@@squirrel_of_mistri8565 yes, I was thinking several times, that it is so difficult to meet someone honest and kind, as majority of the people are already very narcissistic.

[@squirrel_of_mistri8565]

@@ic7804 Yeah, it seems that way.

[@sandraferraro4442]

@@squirrel_of_mistri8565 Sad but I'm finding that is true. I find many people superficial and shallow.

[@squirrel_of_mistri8565]

@@sandraferraro4442 I agree. I'm sure there must be caring, kind people out there, but I'm not sure where to find them.

[@suzanne4396]

My first date tonight, with a non-Narc...... A kind man. Wish Me luck~~pray for Me, please...

[@claudiavalencia2322]

Update?

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

🙌🙏🙏💯💯💯💪💪💪

[@creativearena]

I could never go back another relationship, even if I did I would be a hot mess trusting.

[@lunasanja4574]

After 6 years in a very toxic, narc relationship I found a true gentleman 1 year after the breakup. I snapped back from a hysteric, panic attack ridden, angry mess to my gentle, friendly, trusting and laid back self within the snap of the finger. I never saw myself as broken, I knew the narc was completely sick and broken and not me lol. I started dating 2 weeks after breaking up and just enjoyed single life, going to sport and yoga for a while, going on a vacation alone, finding myself again. I'm so grateful for my innate resilience.

[@Chahlie]

"I don't think this game is worth all the confusion" Don't know where I found that but I wrote it down!

[@Hellbunnyfelicia]

"Hold out for quality" ❤❤❤

[@jessicathomas1276]

I joined a dating site as an exercise with my therapist. I learned I'm not ready for a new relationship. That I'm actually pretty happy alone, and I have no problem continuing as I am now. I canceled the profile before my 6 months was up. Mostly because I just don't feel like putting any energy into dating right now.

[@janevoyce6428]

There is a saying that no one falls in love faster than a narcissist looking for a home....I am a homeowner & he lived on a narrowboat !! I would give boaters a swerve in future !

[@yuliasyoga4768]

He might as well be an Alphonse

[@KBRhacs]

Always spot on Dr. Ramani. Taking the time to heal after a toxic relationship is crucial. Narcissistic abuse makes you question your judgement in general, but then there is also a degree of self questioning after you realize what you have rationalized to get yourself in such a toxic relationship. It takes time to rebuild from that and regain the confidence and trust in yourself to be able to even consider trusting someone else. I am taking time to get a good place before I date again. This awful past relationship has uncovered some things about myself I have long ignored and now that I am addressing them I’m very optimistic about what the future holds!!

[@sav978]

So well said!

[@signsofthetimes6662]

After 4 years of no contact. Ignoring him hacking my work email, changing my phone number, closing my facebook and instagram accounts and blocking his emails: one day I unblocked him on messenger. I swear there is some strange link because the next morning I had 2 emails from him in my spam folder. And just like in this video I felt brave and text him back on messenger. What a mistake. I reblocked him after a few texts. Guess I needed a reminder to stay safe. Stay safe guys. It's not worth it

[@finchman1]

“I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me.”

[@belovedchild9812]

This is perfect timing. I’m on a dating app and was talking to a woman who wanted to move too fast. She wanted to share too many intimate details then became confrontational when I set boundaries. I literally told her 30 minutes ago to not contact me again.

[@bee12355]

Good for you for not ignoring the red flags 🚩

[@lynnebucher6537]

Sounds like you made a good choice to go no contact.

[@GivinLetEmVibes]

I've been her after attempting to move on too quickly after being in an unhealthy relationship. Not saying this is her. I commend you on protecting your own well being.

[@monicaperez2843]

"Soulmate" means to me a deep spiritual connection between 2 people, not always romantically involved, such as friends, parent/child, teacher/student. Soul mate relationships are discerned over time, not jumped into. Many happy relationships are not soulmate relationships. Soul mate relationships are very rare. Love is a choice. Take your time getting to know people!

[@duromusabc]

“Better to be alone for the right reasons than being with someone for the wrong reasons “ Actress Lea Thompson Some Kind Of Wonderful (1986) Her movie character broke up with an overt narcissist boyfriend- her discernment

[@thalanburris384]

Before entering a narcissistic relationship I didn’t know anything about dating. I thought of a guy really like you and you like him that means you will eventually enter a relationship. I admit I was naive and inexperienced. When I heard someone say pay attention to the red flags I didn’t know what they were. So now that I’ve been narcissistic free for almost three years I know what the red flags are and now I pay more attention to what others say and do even in dating. I move a lot different now and I’m not as trusting as I was before. I’ve gone on a few dates but if someone shows me a huge red flag like calling their ex crazy. I’m more likely to run than stay now.

[@suicidalthotss]

Same! As soon as I hear anything about a “crazy” ex it makes me wonder what they did to make them go “crazy” 🧐

[@sophiacylle]

This is exactly where I am. But i am radically accepting my discernment and learning not feel guilty about it. It becomes challenging when others promote me as being difficult or stubborn but I can't control how others view me and worrying about it doesn't help me heal. Protecting my Peace.

[@CK-tf9lv]

"To be discerning is to hold out for quality." I was never taught to value myself. Never believed that I deserved to get my needs met. I was never taught about red flags-- because that would blow the Narc parents' cover. Trust was black or white, either I had walls up or no boundaries. No wonder I was giving and never receiving anything in return. Thanks to Dr. Ramani, I will give myself permission to be discerning :). I will value myself, believe I deserve to get my needs met, and watch out for red flags.

[@justforfun-jp2vc]

As painful and difficult as it is to heal learn boundaries and reparent myself it’s so much easier than dating or befriending a narcissist.

[@JJ-dk1lr]

Slow Down! My favorite two words.

[@arlettebeyem7731]

My problem now is that I see red flags everywhere. Please could you tell us what a normal relationship looks like? After 10 years with a narc, I feel lost.

[@rosec3295]

Gosh I don’t even know. I’ve only ever been with a narc.

[@Izabela-ek5nh]

I learn that slooowly. It looks like: you get nervous and sad and/or angry for no reason (trauma flashback). Then you apologize immediately explaining yourself.... And he says: it's all fine. I'm glad you show your emotions. Good for you. Feeling bad you were angry? Come on, I'm a strongman, can handle much more. No worries. To cheer you up and let you focus on sth different I can tell you a funny story from today........ :)

[@Izabela-ek5nh]

Oh and he was no-rush type. His time counts in years. Not weeks or days. Like a damn elephant... 😂

[@lorireed8046]

@@Izabela-ek5nh Hmm Nooo .... insisting I smile or laugh when he did me wrong and I was crying. UGH....That type guy is the worst!! Like I had zero right to be upset due to his actions and if a "joke" didn't bring me instant laughs he was mad and my emotions weren't his problem. Then he walked out cause I was just trying to control him with my tears. Hmmm dude we were discussing a found letter you wrote to another female!

[@pinkyHulaHop]

Yes please, the same thought i have, what a normal relationship looks like.

[@pikadorks3251]

I learned the hard way trust should never be given away for free

[@yeswing10]

This is so good. After another Narc relationship, I got fed up with my life and just isolated myself to work on myself. Worked a year on just getting out of debt(reading the Bible & watching improvement videos). Being alone, which was hard at first, turned out to be a joy. On my 3rd year alone, really enjoying doing my thing, not willing to give myself away to anyone. You realize how valuable you are!!!!

[@MagisterialVoyager]

What a story! I’m genuinely happy for you. ❤️

[@yeswing10]

@@MagisterialVoyager Thank you so much.

[@AdorkableHarleyFairy]

Ran headlong into narc after narc, in my life. That "new person" pointed out all that was wrong with the previous one, then started doing all those same things. I'm assuming they thought I would stay, bc I am "used to be treated that way"

[@marygoodson4920]

Yes!

[@ruthiebrenda4595]

My greatest fear is falling into another narc relationship

[@cooperedith958]

Yess so relate they always acknowledge how bad someone who hurt you was before during etc of doing the same and worse to you. 🤦‍♀️ We don't accept we leave! 💙

[@sarahkoren7294]

I never understood, until now, from this lesson, why I am attacked, personally, for wanting to take a new relationship, slowly. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for teaching me, to give myself permission, to be discerning.

[@Judyjlefebvre]

I feel like I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can trust anyone ever again. The healing is so messy and covid isn't helping. Sooo thankful for you Dr Ramani. I am very ok being single & I know I don't need a man to feel whole. Although, I do still dream of finding that 1 true honest loving caring man & falling in love again!

[@dancer_traveler]

I feel that it’s better to hang out with true friends and build that network. As for dating - let the men pursue. You don’t really owe them anything even after n number of dates. Just date non-exclusively and get to know the men well and observe them.

[@lasphynge8001]

My now 7 year partner was the first one with whom I really took my time before deciding I wanted a relationship in my life again, and even as I started trusting him, HE kept his guard up for longer (he also has had difficult past experiences). I 10000% preferred this way of slowly falling in love as trust built on tangible signs, compared to the sudden intoxicating strike-of-lightning way I had known in every previous relationship, which alway gave way to toxic patterns just as promptly as it had come. Let the cement dry, it makes for a stronger foundation.

[@mickeyimmanuel]

Thank you for saying this. I was worried I was becoming a cold person. I literally was grieving the loss of my innocence not too long ago. But thanks to you, I now realize that I’m learning discernment. I’m not untrusting, I’m selective and that’s a good thing.

[@tracydanneo]

Or maybe the larger issue is that we’ve bought the whole idea of romance for so long and that model in itself is broken. Narcissistic people have figured something out with all their love bombing and rushing into relationships. The whirlwind romance is probably what we should reject if we’re discerning. Great video! 🤍

[@abcdefghijklmmm930]

Fear of being alone will destroy the process of recuperating from a narcisist relationship. Learning to be alone and selfrespect puts us in the right path. We are social animals and no one (ourselves including) should take this out from us. Got to adopt new boundaries based on lessons from our life. Doctor you are right.

[@genevieve1300]

I considered dating and tried it, but I seem to be a magnet for narcissists. I made the decision to focus on raising my sons, alone, and realized that I enjoy being single. I like making my own decisions and taking responsibility for my own decisions. It is so much better than taking the blame for the mistakes of my ex.

[@tonyt1150]

Thank you for posting videos every day. I watch every morning.

[@cymbolichuman433]

My new addiction... Something good for me.

[@DoctorRamani]

Thank you for watching!

[@alexreyesplease]

After my relationship with a narc/dark empath, I always feel the need to write things down so I don’t doubt what I heard or saw. And well, I’m also obsessed with videos about narcissism so I’m always aware and don’t fall for the same type of person. And even though the relationship has ended for more than a year I still get dreams of him coming for me or that I murdered him. 😳 To this day, I still question myself if was it me who was the narc or him.

[@ashleydowns1994]

Same thing here

[@M0101EP]

Very smart. Never thought of that actuallt

[@jgoobix]

I'm in a new, good relationship and even after a few months, I'm still struggling with whether I'm exercising discernment, or just being paranoid.

[@Cheryl_Frazier]

I see that you wrote this about a year ago. Just wondering how the relationship is going? I'm just starting to date a great guy after being alone almost 4 years and I have SO much anxiety!!

[@eyedareu7432]

@@Cheryl_Frazier same . It’s frustrating. I feel like even with all the respect , and everything . I’m overthinking every tiny detail

[@ShoJ369]

Dr. Ramani I have been in 3 narcissistic relationships, I also had a narcissistic Mother. So at 51 I am certain I will be single forever. I seem to go to the familiar, I would rather be alone to be honest. No one falls in love quicker than a narcissistic looking for somewhere to live.

[@asmay8275]

Do the inner child work! Invest in healing the childhood traumas... And one day in the long run, you will find yourself ready for a good companionship in the future! But don't set a time limit for yourself to heal... Good wishes 💐

[@ShoJ369]

@@asmay8275 Thanks, I really feel I have healed, I have been alone for 3 years now, ( I finished with the narc ), I have never been happier, I'm content to stay this way 😊

[@lukiewansurvivor3740]

After a narcissistic relationship it is hard to think for another person. It's hard to trust again.

[@2014moon]

I dated a long term narcissist for six years broke up with him just to meet and date one for six months and felt the same way but I ran fast because I knew I needed to love me because I wasn’t getting it from him either. Now it seems I’m a bitter or cold women or crazy or whatever guys want to label me but I’m not throwing myself into nothing anymore, I don’t feel I need a soul to be happy I need myself and that’s forever I don’t care if I grow old alone that’s fine because narcissistic abuse is real and I don’t want to deal with not loving myself at a old age. I love my own company ❤️

[@FeatherWolfGraphicDesign]

At 67 with two long term marriages to narcs I am DONE! I feel too broken by them and have lost too much to ever trust anyone and I can no longer trust myself not to let my wounds make me lash out. I would rather hurt myself than someone who doesnt deserve it. Alone and away from the games other people play I find some peace. I find myself again. My self definition no longer needs to have another companion be part of it. I crave quiet self contemplation and a chance to hear nothing but the sounds of nature. To remember who and what I was before narcs started skinning it all away leaving me a bloody mess.

[@sagestoic7524]

Broken... Damaged... Destroyed...

[@annado3885]

Stay strong . They're not worth it!

[@melanierae3102]

Red flags usually show themselves within the first conversation. The men I've met are not willing to take time to get to know me. I would like to treat it more like a friendship at first and see where we end up. I worked at learning, it's okay to be alone. It only took 6 months. Had I immediately gone into another relationship. I would have been concentrating on a relationship. I wouldn't have become my true self. Being on your own, learning to embrace it is the pathway to self worth.

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

Melanie Rae,You deserve a good man 👨

[@hikmah]

I say the same things to folks, stay focused and be DISCERNING!

[@LiveFreeWarrior]

Could not have come at a better time, it’s definitely a balance and inner dialogue I’ve been having in my mind. What is the past? What is reality? And (most importantly) what is ME? The right person will be patient and have patience for you ❤️

[@user-fk8rb8ue5h]

In my case when it comes to relationships after what I've been through I don't feel that I want to waste my time. In other words I look at someone and I think you are not worth my investment of time when in the end it won't work out. You are not worth the hassle.

[@judithmcbride4023]

Agreed!

[@orridgenalcurlsncoir9253]

Thought the exact thing just today

[@cooperedith958]

👌🏼

[@jerimiahlemieux8366]

One key discernment Ive learned so far is paying attention to how they communicate an indifference or hurt feelings. If they communicate their point using ‘I’ statements and describing their feelings without ANY hint of passive aggressiveness, silent treatment, word play, or guilt trip slights. The red flag for me goes up the second I sense any of the above. I’ve not met a narcissist that can articulate their feelings without any of those 4 head games.

[@demigaines5644]

Being In A Relationship With The Narcissists I Was Constantly Being Accused Of Being 2 Clingy.To Emotional.I Can Go On And On.2 The Narcissists This Fool Of Urs Is Missing .I Will Never Be Abused Anymore.By A Manipulative Narcissist

[@user-fk8rb8ue5h]

I know, it's just constant criticism and abuse.

[@demigaines5644]

@@user-fk8rb8ue5h Absolutely

[@devidaughter7782]

"not running into fully trusting, but expecting trust to be earned, is a part of healing. . . development of discernment is one of the most central pieces of healing from narcissistic abuse" (7:07). . . "discernment is a gift you have to give yourself" (7:55). one of the key 'hooks' for me with my ex, was that I knew I had difficulty trusting, and he made me feel as though there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't be more 'in love'. I 'bought' his judgement of me, because it mirrored my own sense of being 'blocked' in this area. I was trying to prove to myself that I could 'be in love', thus ignoring the red flags, pushing through the discomfort, not honoring my own boundaries, and letting go of my own sense of self. that I got so far down the 'rabbit hole' of such an unhealthy relationship scares me still, and makes me feel very cautious about entering a new romantic relationship. so do I have 'trust issues' or am I 'discerning'? maybe its a bit of both...

[@dawnacoxon3111]

Loss of innocence definitely describes how I feel

[@discopotato675]

"choosing a person that is so insecure that they sabotage you." "So they aren't threatened by your strength or your goodness." TOTALLY RESONATED with me. My ex even expressed this to a T. And I took it as a compliment. Because I didn't know any better. She told me she was intimidated by the fact that I was in therapy and working out, working on my overall health. And was worried I'd find somebody, "better." And that she was jealous of the fact that I was able to always try to see the positive in a situation. Further down the road, these insecurities came out more "aggressively." No matter how many times I reassured her. And, of course, when she had pushed and pushed and picked fight after fight and I had finally had enough... Her response was... "Told you so, I knew I was right, and you'd leave me. You dont/didn't love me. You don't give up on people you love." Live and learn.

[@cchamming3686]

Love this! I think allowing oneself to be discerning is strongly tied with giving ourselves permission to be single and happy. Im healing from a narcissistic abusive relationship that ended a few years ago and I find myself swaying like a pendulum between too discerning and then fearing being single and wondering if I need to just settle/rush into another relationship. For me, the confusing part is figuring out what is acceptable discernment and what is just being overly picky out of fear of meeting another narcissist. This video really was enlightening me!! Thank u!

[@yuyu69vibration]

i can't thank you enough for your videos, Dr. Ramani. thank you for confirming that discerning is the part of healing. I was out from narcissistic abuse, a guy approached me. I said to my uncle that I'm afraid of starting again and he said: "just try it, he might not be like that". then the devil cycle starts again. nobody said that my action back then is discernment. I am no longer share to people or they will gaslight me. I'm not having trust issues, I'm discerning.

[@marianapopescu753]

Its difficult dating after...need healing.. Everybody has its time. It doesn't mean that all people are the same, so,we must pass the trust issues.. It's difficult but not impossible. Thank you for all the help you gave to us 🌹

[@alexeusnicol]

Dr. Ramani is on point with the videos this week. It's like she's watching me. Lol. But both the videos this week have been exactly where I'm at. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@FemmeinBloom]

4 years since my last narc relationship and even though, I damn near have a PHD from studying the disorder lol I am still terrified of dating, being vulnerable and loving again. I’ve tried therapy, but still no luck there. Ironically, on the inside, I’m still the biggest hopeful Romantic. I still think true Love that is HEALTHY, is the greatest life force on earth. But the minute I meet a guy, my anxiety and hyper-vigilance kicks in, and it’s all downhill. To go through life this way, is truly disheartening; I feel like, I’m damaged goods. I mean, what healthy, loving, good man will ever desire a woman this broken? Another narcissist, probably would. But not a good man. Behind all the beauty, and all the glam is broken little girl, riddled with wounds; and should they ever see her, I know they’d leave. I’m only 32, but I’ve kinda accepted, I may spend the rest of my life, single and living in a state of trauma. Hopefully next lifetime, I’ll be dealt a better hand in childhood & love.

[@ms.butterflylove3983]

Kinda feel the same way. Everytime I try to date anxiety takes me down through there then I have let the person go. To much abuse in my house as a child and in personal life as and adult is making it hard to heal. But God will help me get through it.

[@darsanprakash27]

@@ms.butterflylove3983 Jesus Christ will help You. Do not worry my friend. He will Help You. He set me free from P orn and another L ust Addiction in the year 2018 and Saved my Life. I know what You are dealing is completely different with what I dealt and I can understand that it is not easy but I know that Jesus Christ has a way out for You. Much Blessings Dear Sister 😊

[@jonnyk4669]

i've finally starting 'dating' again, and i have found myself paranoid i will hurt the people i date the same way my narcissistic ex hurt me. It's hard to explain, honestly. I know that establishing boundaries, taking things slow, and needing space are all normal and healthy things, but i can't seem to shake this fear I am engaging in narcissistic behaviors without meaning to.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

Keep checking with yourself and whether you can meet your own needs. Good luck!

[@jonnyk4669]

@@MagisterialVoyager im accepting that i may never 'get over' my hangups. my experience dating a narcissist changed me. i am trying to make sure it changed me for the better

[@MalloryJay95]

It's hard for me to trust people, and especially so after my relationship with my ex who I am sure is a narcissist. He told me if I didn't trust him then there was never a point to have a relationship. He was always telling me that he should be trusted no matter what his actions were.

[@Picca65]

I saw myself as damaged goods. Who will want that? Maybe that's why I atracted new narcs? But when dating, I am carefull and trust my guts. And in the meantime I get more and more wholehearted.

[@Angiesays13]

Thank you for being here an talking about this subject. Keeps me fresh. I'm a 5yr. Survivor this 9/11. I haven't moved on to any intimate relationship since my recovery. An don't even try. I don't have a problem being alone. When on my journey, I learned that Evey relationship I've had in my life were narcissist. I'm mid 50 an have no interest in intimate relationships.

[@antoninacarolinofrivaldo4224]

Take time to know the person first..reciprocity, right, someone whom I can share the energy that we can both grow,👌😊 Thank you for sharing us the wisdom.. 🙏

[@CrispyFriedPickles]

Needed this ❤️ I’ve been single and celibate for over a year now since my last narcissistic relationship and I FINALLY learned my lesson. Now I’m extremely selective… I notice the red flags right away and I make sure I don’t ignore them. I trust my intuition. I don’t care if I don’t get married until I’m in my 50s. I want to be a Mom one day and I may have to do it alone while I’m younger, but I REFUSE to settle for another narcissistic relationship just to avoid being alone. At least I have peace now 😌 I’ve never been happier. I know that one day, I will find the person I’m meant to be with. Until then, I’m in no rush 💯

[@LiLi-fs8rr]

i'm 100% the same!

[@HaleyMary]

I'm kind of in the cynical state when it comes to dating and relationships. I've encountered so many men who have tried to coerce me, bully me or pressured me that even when I try to give a guy the benefit of the doubt, they always show me reasons why I shouldn't trust them. I don't know if it's because I'm an empath and I'm just subconsciously attracting these guys. I'm at the point where I just don't believe there are any normal guys out there anymore.

[@Allasomorph]

I love my new word "discernment," thank you Dr. Ramani! :)

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

Carrie-Ann,You are beautiful 😍,Hope you are not with a narcissist!

[@matinacats5817]

Going around a weird circle, I broke up with the narc, wanted solitude, then I started dating til I realized nothing was good enough, not feeling Safe enough, so I retreated from the meaningless experiences.. People started telling me I am weird and other similar stuff. I know now that that is not true. I simply recognise some people's characteristics and I refuse to get sucked in again. Being alone is not always lonely. Thank you so much for these videos. They really grow in you and good things come. Realizations, progress, healing. 🥰🥰🥰

[@AlexRider]

When you have been subjected to multiple Narcissistic relationships through your life it's a shame because when someone who is very good for you comes along it doesn't feel right as it's not what you're used to. You end up pushing the good ones away and it's a vicious circle that's hard to get out of.

[@elizabethagnese5474]

BEING DISCERNING IS THE FOUNDATIONAL BLOCK. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR LUMINOUS WORK AND HEART, DR. RAMANI.

[@xefirah]

Depth in a relationship takes time. And another who wants to go deep will take THEIR time also. That’s the right one: the one that takes time. And that one can be you!!!

[@monicaperez2843]

Always get 6 months counseling even after an amiable breakup, and wait 2 years before dating again. Luckily, I am 63 years old as I am an aromantic (nonromantic) asexual for some years now, and I now focus on having a healthy circle of friends.

[@AF-df4yb]

To be Discerning is to hold out for QUALITY! Luv it

[@Julia-jz5wt]

I can't tell you how badly I needed to hear this. Absolutely everything you said. Thank you. I feel so broken... thank you for helping me reframe my mindset.

[@EllenDScott]

Alas, too late for me. Having obedience for fear of harm programmed as my existential code, my very essence is compliant until I can take no more; It doesn't matter what I know, what I desire, or how I feel. I'm always surprised at how much people will take from another, then wonder why they get weird. There for a minute my theme was "Take whatever the F you want from me, everyone else does." So sad. Thank you for being here.