Diffusing a Defensive Partner

Have a partner that is immediately on the defense when you try to bring up an issue? When you have a partner that takes everything painfully and personally, it can be hard to work out problems. Here’s some tips for diffusing a defensive partner to improve communication.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
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[@YourMomfailedu]

It's sucks for parents bc the only time you have to talk is right before bed. If we don't get it worked out we're going to bed mad. Then it never gets resolved & it becomes a negative feeling about the person. Over the years countless negative feelings build up against your partner. After so much time you just view them negatively.

[@MaryJoRapini]

Actually, there is always time to talk ; once you have children you must prioritize your marriage 100 times more than before kids.

[@TravisGarnett]

Thank-you, @Mary Jo Rapini!! And Happy 2020 and beyond to you!!

[@damilareoyefeso806]

Found you through the roommates and can’t get enough!

[@TheRealAbuFatima]

Subscribed. Needed to hear this.

[@preshusfemm1]

Thank you for these tips.

[@tmammas8442]

Thank you, we are all works in progress I love that ❤️

[@renata.mcelvany]

So helpful! Thank you.

[@condor8442]

The true legend to listen to. Perfect perfect

[@vincevasquez5841]

☹ I agree with everything, up to the stopping and rescheduling of the talk...never continues

[@Chrisgalin]

Yes exactly the issue is never revisited still.

[@zeeakkr1266]

how do I defuse a defensive partner when you're very calm and understanding while being kind but magically the words are twisted into something completely different. I mean "I'm here for you when ever you need me and we can work on this together" But somehow its "You're a pain in the ass" Then they just start attacking and attacking and no matter how calmly you approach it and how much effort you put into wording everything right its always an attack towards them. Don't ask them to take couple therapy to work on it together either because they take that as "you're calling me crazy" oh there is the attack attack attack. What can be done for you partner that you love more then anything when you're unable to communicate anything at all without them bringing up something else that's not on subject and using it as a way to rationalize their negative thoughts? Don't think of calmy saying "hey lets not go on a tangent" Because now its "you don't care about my feelings" And this person so happens to keep a "few close friends" that only validate their behavior, Saying its alright and I'm the bad person for trying to solve it and grow as a couple. Because I'm not a yes man to aggressive defensive behavior and because I'm doing everything I can to talk about it as calmy and dumbed down that I can, I'm a horrible person. Endless cycle that seemingly cannot be corrected because everything is an attack to them. How do I go about this? Oh before couple therapy is suggested. Already asked but it was denied by her because being suggested to couple therapy is degrading and practically calling her "crazy"

[@ttw162429]

you leave

[@7demo7review]

I always look forward to your videos- they are amazingly helpful- I’m getting over my wife’s infidelity.. things have been looking up. One year out from d day

[@eshore389]

Sometimes, people who say "you're defensive" do so in an effort to discredit you when they attack later. They can say ANYTHING about you and get away with it because you look petty when you try to set the record straight, no matter how wild the accusations are! My parents LOVED to use this tactic. Now I have trouble standing up for myself.

[@SR77736]

That happened to me. Turns out the accuser said weird things that made people uncomd and she got it in trouble for it.

[@adriennemiller.music.]

although it wasn’t with a partner, it was just with a person i met once, and now chatted on messenger: i offered to take a break and continue later, the other reacted “i don’t wanna continue, cause i’m not interested in people who just keep projecting”… What now? 😃 I was enjoying that i didn’t get defensive and that i could stay at ease and playful while the other person kept getting more and more defensive, especially when i said that i notice the defensiveness and i would like to continue another time… And i’m not gonna keep on trying to resolve it, when the effort is obviously one-sided 🙂🤷🏻‍♀️

[@chrispee5786]

oouu i been there. its very tough. But the important thing here is that you are AWARE and not only that but youre also doing something about by remaining calm. Im going thru something similar and with time its gotten better. I do the same as you just end the conversation anytime they get too emotional or defensive, because its just a waste of time and energy. Good thing its not your everyday partner!

[@orlandomontes78]

What about if I am talking about her ex and not her? Does she still feel attacked?

[@MVPDabba]

I can say “I thought you said you grabbed the baby wipes” and she will get instantly agitated

[@Mainestreamer]

What you're talking about is what to do before the defensiveness has even kicked in

[@ferrousdogma]

What if , while your making bids for connection and better communication , your partner rolls thier eyes , picks up thier phone or just keeps looking the other way.. ?

[@MaryJoRapini]

Scot, the non-verbal's you describe are all passive aggressive ways of showing contempt, and resentment. You guys would benefit from couples counseling. Please...for the sake of your relationship make an appt. with a therapist today.

[@BigBoldBright_DallasDancer]

Facts

[@SwornInvictus]

Guy who's working on being defensive here.. 'I want to work with you, there must be a way to solve it.' This is the energy that diffuses me and snaps me to my senses. If she expresses caring and solution seeking in a way that's neutral or supportive, it's my off switch. I'm legitimately incapable of staying defensive or angry at her when she's expressing love and vulnerability toward me when I know that it's genuine. I cannot argue the logic of solution seeking and won't do so if it's presented in a supportive way. This lady knows her stuff.

[@orlandomontes78]

I LOVE FREDERICKSBURG

[@NMHudley]

How do I learn to be less attacking? What is that skill called?

[@ItsAsparageese]

Speaking as someone prone to being unintentionally very critical and aggressive in communication ... I-statements and other components of what's called "nonviolent communication" have really helped me, along with working on getting better at detecting my own emotional state (personally chess has been incredible for this for me, but any discipline that requires steady control of one's emotions can be a good way to train this). I hope this helps you or some other future reader scrolling by :)

[@chrispee5786]

ive tried so many approaches. and she always says ¨its because the way you said it, of coarse ima get mad. But to me thats such a childish behaviour. ive literally opened with ,,,you know what doesnt make me feel good......and still ends up turning it around on me somehow

[@model_yazz]

Not knowing the circumstances, but while you’re right to be upset, don’t see it as childish, but rather take it at face value. Delivery truly does make all the difference. Which meal are you more likely to get excited about: one slopped on a plate from a bucket or when placed with care and consideration, with all fresh ingredients from top tier farms? It’s perfectly ok to speak your mind but your delivery will play a major role in how it’s received, accepted or rejected.

[@chrispee5786]

@@model_yazz absolutely

[@jinamerica]

That’s exactly like my wife. And if I keep trying to communicate with all methods of walking on eggshells explaining my reasoning to reassure her that I’m speaking with love and with the intention to improve our relationship…. But it eventually seems that she wasn’t just feeling defensive as a victim. She was doing it from a non-empathetic viewpoint. It may be covert narcissism. It’s sooo hard to consider what to do. She does house work and many of the practical daily tasks, even works too. Seems she’s addicted to being busy. But I feel like I’m married to a robot. She can’t connect. All of her attempts seem like how she imagines I would do it. Nothing original. And she doesn’t clearly abuse me. Just the neglect. But if I keep trying to get her to study about personal development, ego awareness, healthy communication, etc, she feels attacked and sometimes changes into a monster blaming me for making problems. Do I wait until the kids mature so I can be here for them or do I let her go and risk losing them too? I’m staying for now. I’m hoping it’s a low level of CN and/or a more manageable form of antisocial disorder. One thing that’s sure is that we’ve gotta keep healthy supportive friendships going strong, people that we can hang with and have real genuine connections with.

[@chrispee5786]

@@jinamerica youre on point there buddy! gotta have supportive froends. And always remember that not everyone is willing to want to get better. We just have to accept it. Its all about how we react to their BS.

[@kristengravel8012]

My husband gets defensive with out me speaking so I don’t know why you say they feel attacked

[@MaryJoRapini]

How do you know he’s defensive? I mean, in order to get defensive you feel threatened; unless it’s a bad habit?

[@bobjohnson5486]

❤️

[@ElisPalmer]

🌟🙏🏼🌟

[@tracieriley301]

This only works if your not with a narcissist !!!

[@johnalexander4940]

Then you have the partner that seems unreachable. When confronted with simple white lies their simply excused as being slips of the tongue, not what they really meant to say. Or may end up being an misunderstanding of their character on your part.

[@elisejoiner7448]

Sorry but I think this video places way too much responsibility upon the non defensive partner. Not helpful if you are close to someone who takes no responsibility for anything. Often defensive people find partners accept too much responsibility and that is how emotional abuse starts.

[@ritajohannessen9804]

Yes 😪

[@peilin6212]

My only advise is to stay away from defensive people. They can drain your energy.

[@elisejoiner7448]

@@peilin6212 So true

[@FreyaGem]

Yes, my partner gets defensive any time that I carefully bring up something they did that was hurtful to me. It's gotten to the point where I feel afraid to bring up things with him, because he always makes it such a miserable experience and can't have an adult conversation at all. When the dynamic turns into one where the non-defensive person is the one doing all the emotional labor to try and address issues and make things work, that's a huge problem.

[@Lisstarine]

I can’t speak to your personal situations at all. I’ve realized in general that the people who are defensive, or narcissistic, or whatever it all stems from childhood trauma, relationship trauma, etc. so first things first, they have to realize that within themselves. So by her saying, “have a convo where you say, ‘hey I love you but I think we can communicate better’” they can’t be a lost cause, they have to be able to recognize that they along with their partner can always get better and heal. Acknowledging the trauma. That’s step 1