Yes or No to Ultimatums in Relationships

An ultimatum is essentially a line in the sand, a declaration of consequences: "I can't take this anymore. If this doesn't change, I have to end the relationship because it's unhealthy." It’s a communication tool, often born out of exasperation and stress, that can sound like manipulation. Using terms like divorce as an ultimatum is especially problematic and can be manipulative. Ultimatums often lead to broken trust, reduced communication, and power imbalances. This video explores the pros and cons of ultimatums.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
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[@melkerner]

At some point, after much counseling and bending over backwards - a sexless marriage has to come down to either we are going to work to fix this issue and start moving towards restoring our sexual relationship - or we will split. I find it odd and frustrating that someone would risk their marriage, relationship and family all to avoid the vulnerability that comes with physical intimacy. Especially after being married for decades. Could be seen as an ultimatum, but also forcing one partner to go through life without kissing, or any kind of sexual touch is also it's own form of an ultimatum, it just isn't said out loud, it is communicated slowly, and I believe in a more damaging way.

[@cyn5962]

Sometimes boundries not being set are disguised as ultimatums. It's important to set boundries early in the relationship so the other person knows what is okay and what is NOT okay so it will become more unlikely that you'll have to resort to making an ultimatum.

[@Chris-hp2gg]

Heads I win, tails you lose.😂

[@ttrainor70]

Never make an ultimatum or a threat. Just do it. The shock value is overwhelming, they can't evade it, and you won't go to jail. That was my late wife's technique. Devastating.

[@yumildarodriguez1175]

I gave too many of them 😪 not good 😐

[@ssiegreen5292]

I generally agree with you - but not on this one. I consider a true ultimatum the "last stand", that last ditch effort to create a change that sticks. Not talking about threatening to ..., or suggesting to ... or using pressure for the other partner to cave and give in to a whim, or something that you want but are not willing to take a stand on. Ultimatums are useless, unless you have an "or else" that you are willing to enforce and more importantly - willing to follow through with. I think that's often why so many men are caught unawares when their wives finally leave them - they have years of getting "talked to" or "nagged at" and miss it when the partner gets to the point where she is done. One last ditch effort - also ignored and then they are hurt, because they "didn't see that coming"...