The Real Reason People Get Defensive

[@AbdullahArRafi]

"If you think you haven't done anything wrong, there's nothing to defend. If you think you have done something wrong, there's nothing to defend!" This quote really resonated with me, Julia! As always, this video is more than awesome!

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad it connected my friend.

[@positivelypositive934]

This is so insightful. I struggle with being defensive. I take it so personal. Being defensive is a communication killer!

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes, it cab be really hard to not take things personally. I always try to take a step back and a breath and reflect on why I'm taking it personally and whether in fact, it is (which it never is because nothing is personal), but sometimes my brain needs extra help remembering that.

[@karenh.1236]

I think root issue for being defensive is because I was being misunderstood and blamed for things in childhood that were not my fault.

[@nikstar1313]

I recently let go of a friendship (only a few years but I felt we were kindred spirits) after I’ve been finally finding my voice in the last 18 months at 45. My ‘friend’ of just a few years off and on let me down big time for the 3rd time and did initially apologise profusely, however, I expressed it did actually upset me this time and why, trying my hardest to do it to it in a candy coated, kind, diplomatic, empathetic, caring and communicative way (like I do with all my other close childhood girlfriends who are truly there for me and we always work anything out). Well, she became really defensive. Like how dare I be “upset and cold”.. The level of defensiveness was such a game changer for me suddenly and she actually took her apology back, tried to turn it around and then acted like the victim of all things. After a lot of therapy and self worth work, I feel it was the right decision and am feeling really empowered by being honest about it and actually going with my gut feeling, having boundaries and actually implementing them for safe and healthy 2 way friendships. Thanks to anyone who reads this and is working on themselves too, it’s tough!.. lots of positive vibes to everyone from Australia! Xx INFP ❤️🙌

[@kathleenbrady9916]

The idea that shame is what's lurking beneath defensiveness was really helpful. Also, learning self compassion helps give more stability

[@claireconway8510]

I'm on the wait list 😊 The part of this video that resonated with me is when you said "if they are wrong, there's nothing to defend, if they are right there's nothing to defend, there's just taking responsibility". I also found the shame part of defensiveness very relevant to my journey. I didn't realise that I was experiencing shame when I become defensive. A therapist once told me that when you become defensive, it's very hard to benefit from the feedback you're receiving and so you can't learn and grow from it if you refuse to receive it. I was told by quite a few people when I was in my twenties, that I become easily defensive.

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad it connected Claire. I used to really get defensive too - until I realized that I really didn't need to.

[@claireconway8510]

@@juliakristinamah thanks for your humility. I appreciate it. 🤗🙏

[@edwardschwenk3100]

I put up with people even into my forties criticising me, telling me that I'm doing things wrong, and that they are going to tell me that they don't like what I'm doing. You're damn right I get defensive now, and I don't put up with it. If they don't like something about me that's too bad for them. This has nothing to do with shame. It's got to do with me being fed up with douchebags trying to force their BS onto me. Whatever "calling out" is I don't care. They can go to he'll.

[@edwardschwenk3100]

I've had it with being told that I'm always doing the wrong thing. People need to quit "calling out" other people, and mind their own bloody business.

[@valentinanocross8677]

Simply the reminder to take a breath and think and be curious about it and basically everything

[@juliakristinamah]

Yup! lol

[@paulinewhalen6761]

It took me a long time to learn that there is nothing to defend and to walk away from negative comments and unwanted advice

[@candicegejing]

I guess there is also a difference when you get defensive because you are fearful of something wrong with yourself versus you feel shameful that you are judged in the wrong way. Shame from others is the situation when we want to defend ourselves and I feel there is a huge difference between shame from others and shame from ourselves. What I often observe is that if you don't defend yourself and point out the flaw in the logic of the person who judged you, you will get judged again and again by this person which is annoying.

[@beautifuldreamer8803]

I think this is half right and half wrong. Sometimes I get defensive because I fear the person is right/wrong and other times I am simply being assertive. Sometimes however, assertiveness is mistaken for defensiveness and that is incorrect. They are two different things. An old manager at work kept putting false labels on me, micromanaging me, making sly comments, picking at her perceived problems with me almost every other day. She was wrong and I defended myself to protect myself. I was A-O-K until she came around me. (I think I could take criticism as long as its constructive, correct and fair).

[@anaa1234]

I agree! I actually have dealt with this quite a bit this year.

[@tpmash]

So true! Assertiveness can easily be confused for being defensive.

[@juliakristinamah]

I agree - partly ;-) Do you think it's being defensive if you are simple asserting the facts or calling out unhelpful behaviours? I wouldn't call that defensiveness - I'd call that asserting your preferences on how you want to be treated.

[@beautifuldreamer8803]

@@juliakristinamah I would call it asserting my preference on how I would like to be treated because, there has been times that I stayed quiet and it pained me after to know that I stood there and took or listened to rubbish.

[@warorislam]

@@juliakristinamah good reply Juli!!!.

[@spiritualseeker8623]

I never thought someone would explain the complexities of human defenses so deeply! Respect to psychology and people who understand it so well and help others with their shadows!

[@sonjiavowell8659]

Wow, this really hit home. Whenever my husband and I are out, sometimes I get criticized because I'm not doing what everyone else expects for me to do. I'm a private person and I've learned that there's nothing to defend.

[@juliakristinamah]

Yes. You are never required to meet other peoples arbitrary expectations of you.

[@brentcastro10987]

You're incredible, Julia. Always great energy

[@HalieDay]

Whoa! When you said “I’m going to go ahead and leave that judgment with you” that hit me...I love that. Julia always nails it. Thank you ❤️

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad this connected.

[@yeudsiegal5285]

That is a great quote.

[@kp5870]

I feel defensive when my feelings are being invalidated and unheard.

[@charlottenilsson3820]

Personally I don't think that the problem is in you but in the person that invalidates and ignores your feelings. If there is one thing I don't tolerate it is that. That is the most common reason I break up with people. Even my own family

[@gracep2910]

you learned nothing from this video.

[@Deanelon98]

Absolutely. I feel the same way.

[@sexyfit2539]

Whoa!! My husband calls be defensive in every conversation we have. I'm not always trying to be defensive, just give an understanding as to why but I guess that's defensive too 🤷🏾‍♀️. This will be a hard homework assignment that's for sure lbs

[@Truth_teller724]

This is literally me 😭

[@keikbox]

Hi happy to come across this video, struggle with conflict, correct perception, personalising and taking things personally. My immediate reaction sometimes with a new engagement is defensiveness, and sometimes I can cross into being offensive, and later regretting it very much. Being dismissed, misunderstood/unheard, or 'devalued'/invalidated can trigger feelings of defensiveness in me.

[@anitaroempke7310]

I went to trauma therapy for ptsd, and an sooo grateful, now I do not get defensive, I rather try to get A conversation with the person who critizoced me, I do not feel shame or guilt anymore. It is sad to try and reconnect with my dysfunctional family but they are still on that level ......

[@anitaroempke7310]

Hi dear Julia I tried to comfort my little sister WHO get this flashbacks fr our childhood, i listened for hours and comforted her as well as i could, we had difficult parents, but now after my PTSD therapy iI managed to leave all behind me. , sadly my SIS has made really weird comments i feel ” threatened” and really got gut problems IBS, again, and i don’t know HOW to Cut the relation, i realize she needs therapy ..... but she still gets defensive, she Lives in another country so we only have contact on the fb and Mail and sometimes Call. Now i want to cut the contact HOW should I formulate my words without hurting her, it is dragning me down in that negative spiral Just as I managed to get out investing lots of work and ti,e with my terapist.

[@anitaroempke7310]

Or just say sorry i hurt your feelings i apologize.

[@9y2bgy]

9:45 Along the same line of what Brene Brown pointed out; "I'm sorry, I made a mistake" is guilt. "I'm sorry, I am a mistake" is shame.

[@fatbottombiker3038]

Ms Julia you were on it with this one. Every single thing you said I could comprehend completely. Thank you for what you do for others.

[@joycedugas4550]

Wow!! Thanks for the clarity! Needed this. 😌

[@juliakristinamah]

Absolutely! Glad it connected Joyce

[@raiderlove5923]

Thank you for this video. I get defensive when I am accused of doing or saying something that I never did. Or not doing and saying something someone else feels that I should have.

[@plus1handicap]

Yes, I feel the same way

[@abhichopra662]

I always get compared to others what they've accomplished & how well they're at work that I'm not good enough as they're, I've been defending myself for this & argued. After listening to you I feel much better 😌 & I can improve my skills Thankyou so much 😊

[@rabbiphilio]

I feel defensive (or do I?!!) when I continually have to set the record straight with someone frequently making assumptions and expecting me to role over. These are not truths they’re blurting, or at least not the whole truth. I’m talking about situations either taken out of context or are simply fed with information that is not true. When one has to continually tussle with someone carelessly shouting out these untruths it’s not possible resolving it with subtlety.

[@philadelphiainternationalu4351]

Julia, job well done!

[@mamabear5488]

Perfect timing again!❤ Thank you!💞

[@juliakristinamah]

Always mama ❤️

[@joys0127]

Super helpful! Thank you Julia!

[@concerned_2023]

I'm generally concerned that blocks of society are becoming judge, jury and executioner attacking others who have a different point of view.

[@riblets1968]

OR... sometimes people really are just full of shit. And it really galls me when somebody accuses me to of being "defensive" when in fact their positions are formed in ignorance. And to ask me to reflect on their ignorance is simply too much.

[@cristinadiaz6414]

Shame is a tough feeling to unpack and you explained the horrible, icky feelings and discomfort very well. More about tackling shame would be awesome.

[@juliakristinamah]

We go deeply into this in The Shift Society - are you on the waitlist yet?

[@cristinadiaz6414]

@@juliakristinamah Yes! I just signed up for the wait list. Trying to remain hopeful and positive and learn from the materials you have out there.

[@sexyfit2539]

What's the wait list??

[@jamiestumps6146]

Thank you!

[@deborahmeyers7839]

Thanks so much for this Julia everything you have said makes sense ❤️🙌❤️

[@cherylanderson9126]

Really a helpful lesson for me to give the judgment back, not to defend myself, being OK with my decision.....or not saying zip as the sarcasm did not hurt me. Thank you for in-depth lesson and your own story about parenting.,

[@scnupe7]

What if you haven't done anything wrong, but you are being accused of something? If you don't defend yourself to the person accusing you, that person will go on thinking incorrectly about you, no?

[@juliakristinamah]

Do you think there's a difference between standing up for yourself or asserting yourself and defending yourself?

[@scnupe7]

Julia Kristina Counselling Thanks for the reply!! I just attempted to articulate the difference to myself and I couldn’t, so I guess the answer is no.

[@juliakristinamah]

@@scnupe7 I think defending ourselves comes from ego, and standing up for ourselves comes from our core values.

[@louisegarner8888]

@@juliakristinamah I guess the confusion lies in how we understand the term "defence" such as in thinking the same goes for physical and mental self defence such as using the art and skill of karate or baser reactions of biting back, fight/fawn/freezing and/or going silent when dealing with an attack that threatens your physical or psychological survival such as bullying, harsh unjust criticism, false accusations, intentional projected shaming or assault you do need to "defend" or protect yourself against... silence may not seem assertive but it may be the only thing that saves your life or sanity in the moment... I can also see how being assertive, standing up for self and accountable for our own role in events is beneficial in situations but there are some times where gut reaction type "defence" has a place such as a sudden vicious attack or as a response after serious abuse has you in a reactive state and it's the best you can manage. I think there's many who don't understand the difference or who need be in a more conscious state of awareness first so your video and therapy perhaps, help people develop skills and find better ways to respond. Such as being well prepared, diffident and able to act comfortably to say "that's not true", laughing, walking away or asking "can you tell me how you came to that conclusion?" may be seen as asserting yourself if falsely accused but it would depend on the skill and awareness of the people involved and the situation. Thanks for helping me as one of many I'm sure who'll benefit from your good work.

[@tarikadiwakar1035]

Wonderful video thank you for educating and informing us

[@jacquelineberns9453]

Excellent Julia, step back, reflect, make amends if you want a relationship back.

[@pepperbird1212]

Give me a break. "Mom guilt?" Why is it that once an educated busy person becomes a mother she freaks out and puts the kid at the center of her universe and worships the kid, forgetting her other roles? Feels enormous guilt over any minute or scintilla of energy she doesn't spend on the brat? Very annoying. Don't be such a hovering over-protective parent. You are going to raise over-dependent, anxious children.

[@barrymichlowitz1071]

I believe that at least some, if not most of the time, I get defensive because of the tone in which I am criticized. Often my critic is offering nothing constructive: picking a fight with me, or in the middle of an argument about an unrelated topic will tell me "You ALWAYS do" so-and-so.

[@karenh.1236]

This!!

[@karenh.1236]

The tone and it’s hard to talk when you don’t know what tone they will use. I try my best to talk gently but sometimes how my family has treated me in the past comes up now because I think they will talk to me disrespectfully

[@captaindan1000]

I've defended myself when people said something about me to my face that I thought was disrepectful. I wanted to set them straight. I also had reason to believe they were hypocrites for having what I believed were similar flaws. It does occur to me to behave like the opinions of those people don't mean anything.

[@reneerutledge5116]

I just love your videos. Thank you so much for all you do. I think we all get defensive so I will definitely step back and take notice.

[@juliakristinamah]

Great! That's a huge first step

[@TheBelenroxx]

I used to feel defensive now that I’ve learned reassess how I react and get comfortable with the uncomfortable, it’s been a peaceful life now ♥️

[@kaydouglass261]

This clarifies so much for me.. I struggle with this and have been told this many times, actually lost jobs because of it.. where were you 10 years ago… thank you so much 🥰

[@CarrieLouise89]

Wow ! Amazing stuff, 100% helped me just copying the link across to my boyfriend hopefully you will help him too xxx

[@DANNYN224]

Great video 😊 this happens at my job

[@anitaroempke7310]

What about if a sibling says, I refuse to talk about xxxx, this is my final word. Is,nt that kind of blocking the situation to Continue with the same dysfunctional pattern, I feel sad for the kids, they will feel it, it runs from generation to generation.

[@scottiebartz2534]

I feel defensive about two people that I love bc I want to protect them from being talked about and that's why I get defensive bc I need to protect them

[@yoyo-gt5fy]

Can you do a video on cognitive distortions and how to identify & cope with them? Thanks in advance.

[@seanblackwell6241]

Gosh this is a powerful one Julia. You've got to be really comfortable about yourself to do what you're saying.

[@juliakristinamah]

Totally Sean - this IS the work.

[@Plinko99]

How do you know your shame is unjustified? How do you know it's not guilt?

[@stacyrenee3390]

What do I have to feel shameful about when I get defensive towards ppl that my kid's father (whose a sociopath/narcissist) has tried to start issues with constantly between everyone that we both come into paths with? .. our kids coucilor, teachers, my friends that he's dug his claws into, ECT? He gets to everyone and starts trouble everywhere I go. I'm constantly on defense mode instead of learning to take a breath and be ok.ughhh.. but not ever situation is the same

[@momoftwoorthree]

I understand your words, and value your message. Hard for me to actually put into practice.

[@juliakristinamah]

I hear you Julie. Are you on the waitlist for The Shift Society? We dive deeper into these concepts and really work them out. It's an incredible community and teaching program.

[@douglastuten5340]

I don’t get defensive any longer as I have learned to own my screwedupness wholeheartedly.

[@rebekaheyland8064]

Hello, I’m Rebekah and finding your videos so helpful. Thank you , very enlightening. Blessings

[@chrisdigitalartist]

Such a great video Julia! I can think of times when I got defensive. It is because we are afriad they are right! So true! That strikes a chord! Those things our siblings say, right ? LOL

[@niasmith4939]

Facts 👍!

[@ymoy8635]

Hi Julia, so glad I found this video of you that gave me the right advice that I have been needing this week💙

[@skyedreams28]

This is really good. I’m in AA, on page 417 of the Big Book is a paragraph that would compliment this topic-“And Acceptance was the answer to all of my problems today”🦋

[@Masamune2001]

Hey Julia, thanks for the amazing content. Do you have anything planned regarding trust issues - what they look like and how to deal with them?

[@tauriekeianna3960]

I feel defensive because I feel like I always have something to prove to others. Or like I always have to explain myself. I think that’s because I feel that people have to always understand or feel where I’m coming from. When they don’t. As long as I do. If that makes sense.

[@benransom7451]

In the case we believe we are right, what does it mean to give the judgement back?

[@cdex00]

I realized that I too give unsolicited advice. I know how I feel when I receive it.

[@dallasdandigitalproduction393]

I really like your intelligent, and honest insight. I always learn something new from you Julia. Best wishes....

[@juliakristinamah]

Thanks friend - that really means a lot. Glad you're here.

[@raebutler1407]

I used to get offended when people would call me a b****. All that means is an unagreeable woman. I don't want to agree with someone trying to manipulate me. Now I just smile and say thank you.

[@fredthompson4568]

I just wish that a new department manager would come along that will let me do my job. Not some nit picker, its an insult to my ability and self management.

[@quimblyjones9767]

What are you talking about? I'm not being defensive...

[@juliakristinamah]

lol. Touche.

[@danielhems1457]

Thanks again for the very usefull insight. So true ! Something else...your voice seems different, more calm. Bye !

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad it connected. I think my voice changes depending on my mood and headspace when I'm recording my videos. Happy you're here Daniel.

[@elizavagena3804]

Thank you for this, but it seems to me that the more 'stubborn' a person is, the less he or she will b defensive. Because on the other hand a person thinks a lot about what is said to him or her, isn't it better this way? Some decisions r going to b guilt free but the very important ones in our life cannot b totally guilt free if we care about the opinion of the person we have opposite us. I think sometimes we have to live with the guilt of dime choices if we have a strong conscious mind. That's the way I c it. Feel free to comment

[@elizavagena3804]

'of some choices'

[@bernesemuir8022]

Sorry but I disagree

[@سمعنيموالد]

Hello, Please add in the Arabic language translation because I do not understand English well

[@nourstudio9326]

Yes please ❤

[@samanthahernandez8046]

But is a person getting defensive if they don't feel angry and they're simply trying to explain because someone tells me that you're always getting defensive

[@MadamCh0let]

Can you do a video about when it's your parents who are very defensive. my mum has hurt me (in the past) but it's her glossing over it with such irritation recently that really hurts me too much to overlook, but she will not acknowledge it, she is the martyr, my hurt is dismissed and minimised as a grudge but she has refused point blank to discuss it, she has just raced to assume the role of martyr and now calls me cold hearted and cruel. I don't want to give up on her but she is not making it easy when she just will not communicate.

[@le-coeur-et-l-esprit]

Such good advice to stay calm and to respect oneself and the other. I don't comment as often as I watch your videos, but they are awlays a strike to my mind and heart. Thank you!

[@anadomangue2732]

Love you Julia Kristina 💖 Thank you for doing what you do 😁

[@juliakristinamah]

Always Ana. Really glad you're here.

[@kenhunt9863]

What if their just wrong and they are wasting your time

[@Deanelon98]

I’m only just seeing this. It was very beneficial for me. Thank you for sharing. My defensiveness comes from the rejection of my family as a child. I was the unwanted child. The dark one. Itis really hard when your family does not choose you or invite you to be a part of family functions your entire life.

[@lilycristina4770]

Wow is truly a deep one. I love it thank you. Helping me so much really greatful 🌹🌷💐🌻🙏

[@juliakristinamah]

So glad it connected sis.

[@theresacarpenter1962]

What guidance do u have for workplace defensiveness when someone feels your not doing your part at work

[@silascochran9705]

I would join the shift Society but I can't use a computer all I have is a stupid phone it's the opposite of the smartphone thanks again Julia good to hear from you I will link in and do the mindfulness exercises they help I've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately but I am holding fast🤠🐕🏚👍

[@belindarosenheim2322]

So I'm dead wrong. I am. I'm married to a vet with ptsd and bipolar 1 and i have heaps of my own baggage. I drink too much, on my patio alone. It's a lousy coping skill. I don't need him to tell me that. I just took a full time job, another part time job and therapy to fill that time and change my life. I hope the rest of this video defuses my defensiveness. I'd really love to hear peoples stories even of you're in the middle of the process.💖

[@cajokyze]

Except if a narcissist is insulting you saying you are...... and you try and explain or just get off it out of your mouth that their words are not your truth.

[@juliakristinamah]

Why do you have to explain?

[@abutterfly7975]

My dear as somebody who is much older than you, and has learned some lessons, you cannot do everything on a full plate well …… something gives. So your boss isn’t gonna let you slack, but often we slack on being a mother or being a wife, because by the time we come home from working all day and have to cook supper, bath the kids, do homework and everything and play with your kids and be a girlfriend to your husband, you have tried to do way too much! One woman, any woman, is hardly capable of doing all of the things on a woman’s plate today 100% without something suffering. Women need to start to being truthful about that, and stop thinking their wonder woman and that they can do everything well that’s not true!! If you have a mate or kids, your main goals needs to be your family, your children, if you wanna bring them into the world you need to be there for them, not letting daycare‘s raise them. Live under your means and you’ll be able to spend more time with your family, which is the most important thing in your world, whether you realize that or not. Often people realize that too late and the children suffer for that and marriages, that’s what women’s Lib has done to the women of today and the generations before that’s what we’ve come to, it’s not good, it’s not healthy, it’s not what’s best for anyone in the family. Do everything that you can to live a minimum lifestyle so that you’re not a slave to the job market to the demands outside of the home so that you can spend the time needed with your family to pursue relaxation and nurturing in their lives, and in your own that’s what’s most important, not a career. Unfortunately, Career career career has been what’s been what’s been pushed down your throat by the woman’s lib movement. Speaking from a woman who can see the damage that it’s done over and over again and how daycare’s are raising children for most of their waking hours, instead of mothers, nurturing, and holding them and being there for all the developmental stages that they go through in a day, because that’s the way the world portrays a woman should be, nothing could be more untrue and it leaves children, mothers and husband yearning for what really matters love time and memories together.

[@oneftintheweeds5443]

Literally just sent this video to my ex wife slash mother of two children after I called her to discuss something VERY important in our oldest daughter's life like very important. Within 30 seconds of the phone call she does the same thing she always does got defensive, started an argument and hung up. I text her called out the behavior and asked her why she always does this. I then text her this video. I know she is too prideful to watch it but I truly believe if she did she would be a better person for it I even told her as much. This happened about 15 minutes ago my bet is she won't watch it.

[@AlexWhiteUkraine]

This is the exact time when I needed to hear all that. Thank you!

[@juliakristinamah]

I love it when that happens! Glad it connected.

[@dkdawe1]

Oh my G..... mum guilt 🥺😢😭

[@cristinal.gutierrez9152]

That stuff is real!

[@robinlynn898]

My husband gets defensive a lot and that just makes me think he's a liar..

[@scottkraft1062]

It has to do with having a weak character starting with the the Oedipus Complex.and the parents. We no longer breastfeeding and it made us hypersexual losing . I've single father with twin boy and girl and she's be gone . The mother touch while breastfeeding .I chose to raise my kids since birth and touching them constantly a took while me everywhere explaining every. The problem with they opidiel complex staying it never leaves. You get one plsychedelic mushrooms The first session was the hardest but I know what I'm doing The second sessions by the after third session it has allowed my kids to dampen the crimes of the mother. The first five years is the most important in a child's life

[@errorerror1337]

So... kinda sounds like a 16 min video of you being defensive about your family and career choices.

[@timothystone7104]

I would become defensive if I saw a coordinated agenda driven twisted version,of what ever,I saw my mother get speeding tickets she didn't deserve,I saw my cousin get accused of assault in a fight he did not even have anything to do with,None of us have the right to judge anyone,we have the duty to help how we can ,but I. Not gonna tear them down to try to pick me up.i am glad I haven't had a reason to get defensive in I can't remember since when

[@victoriastallard2596]

Wow Julia this is exactly what I do all the time with my Husband & I don't like it one bit. It also comes from things that happened at my apartment when I lived by myself for a while until he got here finally for us to finally have our lives the way we have wanted all these years. But what happened at my apartment deep down inside Julia I feel shame to this day 😔 so it's easier said than done. Anyway, I am happier with myself and that I am not that way at all nor will I ever be again. But I believe I feel this way because deep down inside I feel that he hasn't truly forgiven me for it. But Julia I defend myself because I am really not the type of Wife that had things happen so I then when he makes comments or remarks there is nothing & then if I think there is something there actually is nothing as well. Thank you for this wonderful video as always & really I am trying very hard not to feel this way but I believe it's going to take alot more work than I thought & than my Husband thinks too.

[@sassysandie2865]

When you really stop and think about it many years ago moms were home and didn’t have a career because they were helping to plow fields, growing crops, taking care of livestock, cooking, cleaning and busy till sunset. The children worked right along with them most of the day. They weren’t playing with their children all day or running to playtime or library reading hour. They were trying to survive physically. They didn’t have time to ponder or wonder if they were fulfilled. I think kids actually do better in life when they aren’t catered to all the time and not made the center of the universe. I’m not thrilled about daycare in the first 4 years of life and sometimes the better parent to be with the children in the formative years can certainly be the dad. Everyone needs to do what’s right for their own families and not worry what others think. Even if we think we do everything right we find we didn’t lol!

[@kp5870]

My new iPhone wallpaper: To those who cause you to doubt your own reality or decision: “I’m going to leave that judgment with you because I’m actually good with how I am doing things/handling things.” 💥 Drop Mic.

[@jenniferschwarzenberg1284]

I start feeling defensive when someone attacks me the way my family used to attack me before I left home. My family was fine at whatever I did as long as I did it in the form of their comfort and happiness. As I got closer to the middle/end of graduate school I realized my overall health couldn't take it anymore and I left that part of my family. But even when I try to visit a small handful of close friends at a couple of former colleges I used to go too I am finding out that their are a lot of faculty/staff that mimic the same behavior of my family and invade both my personal space and privacy. I have tried to be reasonable with them with no success. I stopped visiting one of the colleges; however; there is one friend at the other college that I look up to as a father figure so I can't seem to stop visiting once in a while. But watching videos like this seem to help me get over the amount of guilt I feel when thinking/dealing with these people thank you for posting.

[@claireconway8510]

Thank you for sharing this Jennifer. It's given me some very helpful insight and I appreciate it. It seems that you have made a lot of progress in your journey and that's something to be really proud of.

[@philipoconnor2236]

Julia when you used your example, l'd love to have heard the follow up to how you deal with your parents criticism NOW that you don't get defensive, ie what's the healthy alternative in that situation (besides telling them to..... up!) 😂

[@juliakristinamah]

I honestly often don't say anything - or I say something like "that's an interesting perspective."

[@philipoconnor2236]

@@juliakristinamah Thanks Julia for that ❤️. Easier said (or not said) than done. To be able to get to a stage where a person's body isn't triggered but rather curious.

[@חניתהאזולאי-ט5נ]

I intend to argue ...somtime I want to be right but not smart.i love pepole and talks when I feel triggers and fear of being attake then I react and being defensive...

[@christopherpape4823]

And the mom guilt thing is just a result of continued gender stereotypes... the mom should care for the kids and the dad should provide for the family. It hurts both ways because people just assume that men can't parent or are second class parents. I do wonder tho if both parents are working hard on goal chasing and their careers will they really be able to do a good job of parenting their kids?

[@Bob50Lee]

this helped me alot... my family is very defensive, even though this was not a vid for me.... it was for me.... you vocalize thing so well!!

[@spignaah]

I think shame doesn't even need to be there, I think even just the possibility of feeling shame can trigger defensiveness. For example, say you're at a dinner with some friends and you're eating a lot of meat: there are steaks, roast beef, (insert other types of meat) and you offer some to a new friend in the group and they decline, saying that they're vegan. Your first reaction is anger or annoyance at the vegan because the fact that they're vegan means that they probably have reasons to be, and that might be reason why you shouldn't be eating meat. And maybe you're not educated on those reasons, and maybe you only know the benefits of eating meat, so you can't really feel shame, but you're still super defensive. This thing probably already exists and is widely known as a psychological phenomenon but I really don't know Also sorry if my English is kinda bad, I'm Italian

[@claireconway8510]

I like your example a lot. I'm vegetarian because of health benefits. I can sit next to someone eating a steak as long as they share :)

[@amill1563]

I believe we are afraid what the other person says is true but delivery matters. If this isn't true, then walk up to a fat person and tell them they are fat. I guarantee that 100% of the time the result of that will not be good or productive.

[@juliakristinamah]

Unless the person if fine with being fat.

[@amill1563]

@@juliakristinamah Well we live in a tub o' lard society so maybe. I like all body shapes.

[@afenton32]

Thank you, Kristina. I needed this

[@samiramehdian211]

When I shared out with the people that needed the most they reply back why are you sending me this to accept that they are defensive

[@simrankurseja9847]

Your videos are awesome! They're great insights for me as a budding therapist. Thank you! I'm just wondering why do you include only two genders in your introductory line about what you do, and exclude all other genders? This is not coming from a place of hate, or trying to put you down, it's just a genuine questions that crosses my mind everytime.