Dismissive Avoidant | The 5 Lies You Tell Yourself About Love

[@mesCheerios]

I just want to add a positive comment for DAs. I think it's awesome that you are here trying to heal. I've been hurt by a DA too, who is hot and cold and has triggered all my FA issues and I probably need to forget. But we are all here to heal and you don't deserve to be dragged for your struggles that you are trying to overcome! For those of other attachment styles perhaps it's easier to empathise if you imagine how others might think if you are FA you can "just trust people and not be paranoid" or if you are AP "just feel satisfied and whole in your own company". No, this stuff is difficult to heal for all of us, and we don't do any of it to hurt others.

[@UncleMole27]

I want to thank you for this comment. I have been on the other end of your situation, attempting to interrupt continuing dysfunctions, allowing the most space possible by intentionally vacating the surroundings and life of someone I have decided to give unlimited patience and allowance to forget me. (I also recognize my current inability to do the same.) After hours of advising from many sources including pds videos, and people attempting to assist without full understanding or knowledge of what is going on in my inner world, I have made it to a space where answers aren't the point anymore. I am not a DA, an FA, or an AP or SA. I am every one of these and relate to them all. I certainly feel as some more often, but my identity isn't in my actions my circumstances or my feelings. My beliefs lead my feelings, my circumstances are changed by my acting on what those feelings tell me, and my identity is what gives shape to my actions. I need community present, and community needs me to be present. Today, not an undefined time in an unintentional future, we have to go beyond running and let the emotions in the waves roll over. Letting go isn't an instant achievement, it's a part of our journey. Funny things is, it's just the start.

[@joygibbons5482]

Well, thank you for that patronising comment. Maybe we’re just fine as we are, and generally amused by all this preaching.

[@maggiejames9057]

Thank you for being understanding. Nothing patronising about what you said, as per another (rude) commentator.

[@outoficecream2740]

Thank you for your comment... everyone here that a disorganized attachment ( spice of life) has been to a significant trauma early in life. Would be nice if others ( and I am sorry if you got hurt) but could remember that nobody chooses to be an avoidant, anxious, or fearful avoidant experience in our lives pushes you to choose certain schemas and how we perceive love. I am in love with an "Avoidant " and I am here trying to overcome my patterns ( not fix his) because on my heart side I want build a life time story full of love story with this person. Healing begins with the man/ woman in the mirror

[@jmtame]

Being here on KZbin watching a video isn’t enough. As a former DA, do the actual work. You’re not worthy of praise until you’ve fixed your issues and stop causing harm to your partners. THAT is when you deserve some recognition. The videos are easy to watch. Actually do the work.

[@wangergamer3879]

I was with a DA for 19 years (including 7 years of marriage). I was okay to accept only non-emotional connection and activities she put into the relationship. I was fine to accept emotional breadcrumbs she threw at me when she felt like it. When our dog, who had been with us for over 10 years, died, I asked her to process it with me. My DA refused and told me not to pull her back to sadness and asked me to process my emotion with my friends. I started to resent her for not being there for me. I had never asked her to be there for me emotionally even when my parents passed away. This is the only thing I had ever asked her and she refused, so I retaliated. She must had felt that I no longer meeting her needs and she retaliated by breaking up with me and told me that I was critical and controlling. I was critical, but I was not controlling. If I was controlling, she won't be spending every weekend with herself and her friends after our dog died. And after the breakup and divorce, she just moved on like a robot and erased me from her hard drive. She used me as a human tool and when she doesn’t need me anymore, she just tossed me away like a garbage.

[@rey_nemaattori]

"This is the only thing I had ever asked her and she refused, so I retaliated." "[...] and she retaliated by breaking up with me[...]" You ask something of your partner, your partner indicates she cannot provide you with that need, and your reaction is to 'retaliate'? "retaliation /rɪˌtalɪˈeɪʃn/ noun the action of harming someone because they have harmed oneself; revenge." U sure you're the victim here? I mean, a DA communicating clearly she cannot provide a need you requested is about the best thing you could have from a DA, save from becoming securely attached. Perhaps it's not that she felt you no longer served her needs, but she no longer felt safe as the retaliation evidenced malicious intent to harm her as punishment for stating her limitations. And if you've indeed been critical, you're basically saying you were constantly stirring her core wounds, as critizism is often part of the DA's core wound...

[@Lord_of_Dread]

Whenever I hear stories about female DAs, they always sound like actual psychopaths. I don't know any male DAs that behave like that. Empathy really isn't hard (male DA)

[@keinenkrishna4468]

I hear you man. I had that too but just not to the extent of this. It did some damage to me

[@rayawake]

Right there with you. 15 years and 3 children with a person who ultimately just used me and now has no more use for me and into the garbage I go. It kind of destroyed me for a while, but now I am better than ever because I realize I had become dependent on her to recognize my value (I guess that was the anxious preoccupied in me) but now I am confident in my own value and don’t need her or anyone else to provide it for me. I’m freeeeee! And I’m so glad I don’t have to live life a beggar for someone else to barely care for me

[@sylph99]

You should have ended it right after she refused to mourn the beloved dog together. For me it’d be a huge deal breaker.

[@lzestrara1518]

I find it SO funny that you used cleanliness as your example of flaw-finding in DAs. My ex resented me for being less than his desired level of orderliness at home. At one point, he said he thought we should break up. I asked why, and he said because I didn't put the couch cushions back in place and it made the house feel disorganized. I almost laughed with incredulity. Like, it's a totally valid criticism to make, and a valid request for me to be more organized. But to go STRAIGHT to breaking up because of it? Of course now I see that he's a DA and would've found any number of ways to justify his desire to stay emotionally distanced from me. On our second date, I asked why he'd broken up with his last partner. He thought for a moment and then said, he would always bring the mail in the house and let it pile up on the dining room table. I sorta chuckled, and then realized he was being serious. In his mind, THAT was the reason for the breakup. I sorta recognized it as a red flag, but couldn't tell why. I wasn't sure if he was just being weirdly critical, if he was emotionally stunted, if he was obsessed with mail placement. Fast forward 7 years, and I finally learned why: he's a DA! He gathers negative feelings about his partners (including me) to use as currency to deactivate whenever he feels like he needs it.

[@riceball1232]

this is insane and I'm so sorry you went through that. sounds like this person has serious issues that he needs to address

[@mgn1621]

#3. DA can’t or are afraid to state what their needs are, or discuss what is bothering them, so finding flaws in someone else is the way they “deal “ with it.

[@Candy_Mountain]

I’ve noticed to that they refuse to communicate and they also take things you’ve said and twist them without clarifying and then they’re angry and resentful for years over a misunderstanding. When it comes out years later, you’re like “what?!” “That’s not even what happened or what I meant!” It’s crazy

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

If you really care about somebody, things can change. Thank you for saying that ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@Beck-rv7xr]

Oh my gosh, “I feel better when I don’t need people”…this simple statement is so true for me. In my 40s I’ve just stumbled upon this and I don’t even know how to describe it: an explanation of why I’ve always had such extreme discomfort with emotions and never understood why, just have felt there is surely something wrong with me. I’m now realizing it most likely is rooted in my angry and dismissive father growing up-something I had shrugged off as simply a part of life. Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

[@FrankM]

I'm securely attached. But what I found is most people despise or dread communication and vulnerability. Pretty much every woman I have dated and/or been in a relationship with, whenever I asked for something, communicated my need or boundary, I often was met with stonewalling or an argument. Even after trying to placate the woman, acknowledging that I see her and understand her feelings, but still being firm with my needs, I got nowhere. The defensiveness and vitriol that gets hurled at me is very disappointing and frankly demoralizing. So all of this talk about the "blissful stage" of relationships is a fantasy which I am yet to experience. The truth is you can't change another person. If you communicate and they aren't responsive, there's nothing else you can do except walk away. Or resign yourself to a toxic relationship. Not for me.

[@Lord_of_Dread]

You have learned well. I'm a DA, and I tried to communicate my needs or things I would like to my partner. She then said I was 'trying to change her' and weaponised everything against me for having the audacity to want things. Never again. Like you said, you cannot change people, you can only pick someone who is compatible already. Maybe Thais just doesn't understand what it's like dating women!

[@MangoOasis97]

Hang out in higher quality circles, we’re not all like this. Bars are a bad place to meet conscious women. I’d recommend daytime activities

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Where did he say he meets them in bars?

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Yeah, the only people who understand what dating women is like, are people who date women. And it's not worth it.

[@KEOSHAANEILIA]

What type of boundaries or needs would you share?

[@athompson3485]

The flaw finding is very true. My husband finally told me that some of my mannerisms grated on him so much that he got to where he didn't want to go anywhere with me. They were things I could have changed. He could have just told me but he will avoid conflict at all cost.

[@MonsterTomten]

2,5 months ago I lost my gf, alot thanks to my DA tendencies. Not saying she was flawless in the relationship either. This was before I learned about attachment styles (I hurt so bad I read alot of articles and did alot of introspect). I just wish I knew about this earlier, before I lost her. I knew something was wrong with me, why couldn't I just talk about and express feelings, why didn't I show my appreciation for her with words of affection. I see alot of hate in the comments but it hurts to know I lost her just because I couldn't do these things, I just completly locked down even though I knew I shouldn't. If I knew about attachment styles I might have been able to learn more about myself and even have the right words to explain it to her

[@connectyourstories]

It's encouraging to read your need to change and to recognize your loss. Keep on with Thais's work and raise your vibration of love and Source or God will bring the rest to you to mirror back your hard earned compassion.

[@shawndevoid9813]

I understand your pain. I also understand how bad the hateful comments make you feel. People think we don’t have any compassion or feeling, but I know this isn’t the case. I hope you are able to grow and learn how to be more emotionally-connected. I know it’s not easy. I think people don’t get that we really don’t have a frame of reference to what their talking about. I was clueless to what my husband was always going on about it! 😂 I always thought it was just him. Now I realize it is him to a certain extent (an FA), but also me to a very large extent. I do wonder, if I become secure and am finally the emotionally-demonstrative person he claims he wants, will he still want to be with me or will he get the icks and want to avoid (& leave me)? He doesn’t see the need for any attachment work on his part- mine either, he just thinks I can magically change, if that’s what I really wanted. 🙂

[@0Demiyah0]

​@@shawndevoid9813I suppose in a way since people will never be privy to just the amount of inner-work it takes others to shift their mountains, it does occur to them as though you just magically change. I've mellowed considerably as an FA through the relationship with my DA. I always kept my journey into my own psychology private. I've shared snippets, probably more than he cares to know, but he will never know the full story. It's just too much to see into that part of another person, the way you work through your 3am thoughts and daily musings. I find that since DA is a stable and predictable set of coping mechanisms, it's easy to learn their body language and anticipate their response. This has helped me tremendously through the power-struggle phase, and to unlearn co-dependency and become emotionally differentiated.

[@Candy_Mountain]

At least you recognize your shortcomings and now you can heal, many won’t even acknowledge they have issues. Good luck you you! ♥️🙏🏼

[@Liza-Loves-You]

What do you think she would think and feel if she would read your comment here? Did you write things here that she should know? If anything just for some real clarity, peace, healing? Sounds to me like you have nothing to loose. Love is patient and loyal you know, so if you take a shot at this, you can at least say you really tried. Giving up on yourself might seem easy, but it is numbing and paralising. I always say: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Your feelings and wishes are legitimate you know. Good people, real friends (friends first😉) will cooperate, if you are willing to work on things and grow. Love and accept yourself, so other people can love and accept you too. Be fearless in the pursuit of what makes you happy Good luck to you and Namaste*

[@howtosober]

RE: #4- The DA: "I am communicating, just without words!" Me: "Maybe so, but I'm not gonna read your mind and I take zero responsibility for any problem you don't communicate directly." That's what I call irreconcilable differences. However, once I set a boundary that I take everything people say at face value and don't waste time trying to interpret peoples' meaning or read their minds, I automatically freed up my life from anyone that doesn't know how to use their words and show up in relationships as a full participant.

[@ZhengSW]

Thank you for telling us to stay the hell away from unhealed DAs...this is wood to the fire for moving on from my DA ex who broke up with me with a single text "I'm done" and then blocking me from everywhere.

[@janeenmccoy4610]

I'm a FA I'd like to know my 5 lies I may subconsciously tell myself...without realizing

[@ShadrockMarciano]

Just recently saw that Thais has blown past 200K subscribers! I've started following years ago and, we're thankful for your advice with attachment styles and love to see your growth, you're affecting so many people in so many positive ways. Thank you!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for the recognition! ❤❤

[@ΓιώργοςΚ-μ7ω]

The truths in these 5 lies will make them more avoidant.....

[@gregorystinette8271]

I'm not " repressing" my emotions; I'm just content with my dog. Woof

[@chuck3999]

That's what caused me my divorce 27 years ago. The power struggle was a nagging continuum for me. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

[@sifublack192]

As a DA, number 1 and 4 is strong within me.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing ❤

[@wendydaniel1110]

Walk away fast from a DA . No run. You'll end up in therapy for a very long time trying to undo the severe emotional pain they bring into your life...On the other hand, the DA moves onto another target repeating the same pattern without any therapy....❤

[@spiritwanderer777]

I asked my ex about being more tidy, because it was a hording level disgusting at times. We had many talks, but she saw it only as complaining and not loving her for who she is and wanted to make no compromise. I felt that in same way we couldn't resolve any issue because she saw it as "you don't love me for who I am" instead of trying to understand my point of view and work together as a team. Oh god it was exhausting. I tried every way I knew of, with patience, compassion, eventually begging etc.

[@torresa001]

I am going to show my DA wife this and see if she thinks this is in anyway an accurate assessment of how wage may be felling in our situation. I think this explains exactly what we are going through and I hope she is receptive to seeing we may need to start this dialogue.

[@jormunrir2151]

Please update. Hope it was a positive interaction for you both ❤

[@torresa001]

@@jormunrir2151 It went well. She is aware of her attachment style and we have been working through this for years. I think some applied and some didn't. If there is something that she doesn't agree with or maybe it hits close to home, she may just nod or not say anything. I just wanted to put something in her head, because as an introvert and internal thinker, she may need to process it and it could take time for it to manifest in small changes.

[@nfoster962]

I love the context in the beginning, and definitely makes sense in a lot of ways. It's so easy to speak on these behaviors DA's can improve in, but in the same regard the work is never easy like people think it is. I say this because I'm in the midst of therapy with healing through some unresolved childhood traumas and I question if I have this attachment style because so many traits mentioned in this video and others, fall in alignment with DA attachement. I'm sending prayers to those aware of his or her attachment style working to get past it!! Give yourself grace and take it all one day at a time Be proud you are taking a step to do the work in the first place, because in a lot of ways. People judge from the outside and aren't even stepping into their own healing work

[@roshalllambert]

Loved the points! they were very accurate as always and the point about I am communicating through actions without communicating made me laugh!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you liked that one ❤

[@timobrien2738]

Thank you, you have so many wonderful videos about dismissive avoidants. I've taken all the quizzes, they all respond with DA, and I identify with all the descriptions to the letter, even identifying with all of the different "types" of dismissive avoidants.. It explains a lot about my past attempts at relationships, and my childhood experience reflects it almost too perfectly. I have so much work to do on my self, it's disheartening. All of my major life goals center around complete freedom and independence from responsibility or commitment. I've based my life on this. My newfound recognition of my Attachment style brings my awareness to the present, but also reminds me how maladjusted and dysfunctional I am.

[@LAPTOPVIEWS0]

there is always hope! and every step we make in the direction we want to go is one step closer :D ive made a lot of progress myself and only found out i was DA this week lol. everything is so clear now. instead of grasping at straws, we can pull the weeds out by the roots! focus on the positive. we can actually have loving, meaningful, fulfilling, trusting, relationships, one of lifes greatest joys, with our efforts! if youre getting overwhelmed, maybe try benjamin franklins plan, where he chose 13 virtues to develop himself with, and took 1 virtue to work on per week at a time. his progress was phenomenal!

[@CarlosMUrbaez]

primarily for me, my DA (now ex) the lack of accountability and responsibility drove me nuts, although her childhood it was pretty messed up it doesn't justify the cheating.

[@Candy_Mountain]

1000000%

[@lilove6560]

Oh! I want to share this with my DA-ex, and suggest working through communicating our needs together, but we’re currently in no contact 😢

[@karinadelacruz7147]

If it’s over, why are you hanging on to an ex?

[@chuck3999]

It's the loss of healthy attachment early in my life. None of what your addressing now (although true) was around years ago. My behavior has cost me alot especially in the Interpersonal area. I don't understand how such a traumatic experience ever be reconciled with on a permanent basis. Just my opinion.

[@joshuarodriguez423]

The only one I felt didn't fit me is probably the 5th one. I'm perfectly clear at this point at least that I can't keep going like this. Maybe it was true prior to this I don't know.

[@outoficecream2740]

@mescheeriosThank you for your comment... everyone here that a disorganized attachment ( spice of life) has been to a significant trauma early in life. Would be nice if others ( and I am sorry if you got hurt) but if you could remember that nobody chooses to be an avoidant, anxious, or fearful avoidant experience in our lives pushes you to choose certain schemas and how we perceive love. I am in love with an "Avoidant " and I am here trying to overcome my patterns ( not fix his) because on my heart side I want build a life time story full of love stories with this person. Healing begins with the man/ woman in the mirror

[@kaiavere5467]

Could you please make a video about whether DAs lie about having feelings and denying that for example, songs they're sending are super romantic and apply perfectly to you/your situation with them? I'm having a terrible time recovering after a super close friendship/situationship with a DA, and he just reopened the wound by sending me songs like that and making me so confused. A good example is after I sent him a big paragraph about feeling like I'm coming to terms with loving him as a friend, he immediately sent me 'I want to ruin our friendship, we should be lovers instead'. He denies this and denies having feelings for me and this has happened so many times, I feel like I'm losing my mind not being able to trust myself anymore Edit: actually he might be FA now that I'm learning more about it

[@dr.bonscott3962]

My DA girlfriend communicates super surface level type if things and says nice things to me but rarely, if ever, do her actions match her words 😪

[@LoveToday8]

Will there be a video like this for fearful avoidants? 👀

[@Candy_Mountain]

Hard to get past the power struggle stage with a DA after they’ve destroyed you with their lies, withholding info, coldness, no accountability and continuing to do those upsetting things - otherwise it would be great 😂

[@sparrowwilson4514]

Yeah, systematically putting distance between you, withdrawing affection, refusing to commit but somehow convince you you’re the problem. 🙄

[@ombra711]

I understand your pain and acknowledge your experience, but I'm not seeing your point she's trying to help DA's be better people so that they don't continue the kind of cycle you went through

[@chiaraA.]

🤣🤣🤣

[@Candy_Mountain]

@@ombra711 Eh. Most DA’s won’t even acknowledge they have a problem or even look for these videos.. for those that do, kudos

[@mjcamp01]

​@@Candy_Mountain a DA may open up to you if you have the skills to help them feel comfortable doing so

[@birdfriday]

It was worth it to me to learn all this for the man I love

[@chiaraA.]

The notion that they think they don't need people is not only about 'people being wired' for connection. You are not able to be in the world without the help and reliance on societal infrastructures, - food getting shipped to your local grocers, health care at your disposal, a job you are hired for and getting paid for your work - the notion that you are a go it alone type - is simply IGNORING reality - and when this person is ignoring reality, by definition, they are not acknowledging that they are RELIANT on their world and therefore without that awareness and accountability, they are USING people, situations, to sneakily (or not so sneakily, just taking, being controlling) to get their needs met - and by not acknowledging all the contracts, tacit or explicit, that they are indeed a part of - they abuse everyone and everything around them - and by keeping this self-awareness from themselves, they are in a feigned helpless to change.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Amen

[@joygibbons5482]

That misses the point. Of course we are interrelated in the ways you describe, but that’s not the same as being in relationships. I’d suggest the opposite. Many of the comments on videos like this are full of non-avoidant people bleating about how their “needs” not being met when as adults they could meet them. They aren’t children who need other to provide shelter, food etc.

[@chiaraA.]

@@joygibbons5482 I respectfully disagree - every person living in a society relies on the road and bridges, construction workers who build the homes, every single thing in society - unless the avoidant is living in the wilderness on their own, killing and forging for their own food, having a fire to cook by and not electricity, I could go on and on for an entire book of examples, they are ABSOLUTELY reliant on the world around them - a go it alone mentality is fundamentally flawed logically speaking - and as I've pointed out - therefore they are not accepting their part and accompanied responsibly for their participation in the world we all share - and that's why they come off as selfish - selfish folks are not acknowledging that there is a give and take and that we are in relation to one another - to say that's not true is delusional and not facing reality - and that's why avoidants are often called narc lights - they don't do it with malice, they do it because of their trauma

[@soniaesther0529]

How do you really know when you’re in the stability stage with a DA truly?

[@eileendom5858]

It would be great if it was just a being more tidy problem. I grew up with a military dad and kept everything in order and organized. Once I left dead roses in the sink with a vase for 2 hrs bc we were watching a movie. After the movie he got to the kitchen sink before I did and had a blow up about the mess being in his way. I was incredibly hurt by his behavior or making me out to be a slob. That’s just 1 example.

[@jaimecarras6024]

This makes so much sense! Thank you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@abby4027]

This is going to be a great series! ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@miguelteles3717]

My DA broke up with me yesterday because she "is starting to like someone else and is confused and doesnt want to hurt me or start liking the other person more". 2 weeks ago she was telling me i was her person and she could never see herself with someone else and she loved me and we were in the best phase of our relationship, she says she stills loves me and she did feel all those things. i am so confused, why did this happen, why is she throwing this away for someone she met a month ago

[@miguelteles3717]

that other person has been in a relationship for 13 years....

[@rayawake]

@@miguelteles3717it’s ok Miguel. We can never know what is motivating her. May I offer some advice? Focus on yourself. First, focus on your value and worthiness as a person. Sometimes we get into relationships and we depend on that person to give us love, acceptance, appreciation, respect, intimacy. And when they withdraw or reject us we are without the source of those things. But you can know your own value and you can offer all those things to yourself, and this will make you a person of abundance. The other thing to understand is that women are hypergamous, if you don’t know the term look it up, they want the man to be strong and stable and capable. If you were giving her so much value in your mind, you may have been sending the signal that she has more value than you, and that’s a turn off for women. There’s a misconception in society and also in the minds of individuals that a good relationship is about love and romance and feelings. That’s a very feminine thing. A woman’s romantic feelings for a man and sexual interest in a man will dry up if he becomes feminine, especially more feminine than her, because we humans seek polarity and it will push her to become more masculine. So it’s very possible she stopped being attracted to you because of your behavior to her and didn’t see you as a strong stable capable man that would provide her and her offspring the best conditions for thriving. This stuff is based in biology and evolution. So in all cases focus on recognizing and raising your own value. Then you will attract high quality women and you will have no problem seeing and rejecting low quality.

[@rayawake]

And I’ll just add to your situation, what she said about starting to like someone else. It may hurt you to hear that but the best response is to wish her well and minimize the contact / communication. FIGHT the urge to try and convince her to stay. Seriously, begging and pleading and getting emotional and trying to convince her she should stay will show her that she was right, you are dependent on her and you are not the strong man she needs. Instead, if you show her that you don’t need her, that you are fine either way, and if you make that true by focusing on raising your value - work on your health and fitness, focus on your finances, focus on enjoying life on your terms whatever it is you like to do - then you will have the best chance of getting her back. I offer this to you from experience. You will dig your own grave by groveling for her love. Women are attracted to strength stability and capability, not weakness. At least high quality women are.

[@miguelteles3717]

@@rayawake im trying to do that, it was so sudden, in the best phase of our relationship too, i dont understand

[@rayawake]

@@miguelteles3717 Totally get it. I still don’t understand why my ex ghosted our marriage and split up our family. It would have been so easy to work things out. Even though we don’t totally get it, the answer is the same. If you want to preserve your sanity, and also if you want her back - the only thing to do is focus on your self. Recognize your value. Raise your value. That’s it.

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@AG-vp1ok]

Thanks so much for this topic! Are you going to cover all 3 insecure attached styles?

[@TheMadsonblfanatic]

With the communicating lie, what if you are in a relationship with something who thinks every time you say you don't like/want something it's another rule they have to follow?

[@GhostDad1]

#3 was true of my FA ex

[@DockClock-rp2ro]

Your point at 2:40 regarding stifling of emotional needs, is something I have considered. It seems to me that many people wifh Avoidant Attachment issues, gravitate to things like Polyamory - which you have referenced as appropriate in the past. However, would the FA and DA, not use this as a means to have one-sided relationship -- especially with NPD types? This would also erode a relationship, if this person becomes jealous, and stifles this instead of admitting how they actually feel.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ONE IS BOTH A DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT AND A FEARFUL AVOIDANT??

[@hybridgenesis7244]

Could you please do a video on how to handle a new relationship with someone who’s last relationship was a long term marriage to a narcissist? I know they would need to heal from that, but would the narcissistic abuse have made them into a fearful avoidant? I know they would have major trust wounds, betrayal wounds, issues with feeling unsafe in relationships with others, etc.

[@BetterLoveMovement]

I was married to a DSM diagnosed NPD person and I went fro AP to FA! For sure! Start looking at all of Thais’ FA videos! Being consistent is KEY!! Reassuring them and over communicating as well. Narcissistic abuse is a SERIOUS thing to heal from. It took me 5 years to move forward and that was twenty years ago. I can STILL very much be triggered by certain behaviors. Good luck!

[@hevabmore]

I was married to one and I am now an FA. I probably would have leaned that way but I am firmly FA/DA. I am 7 years out and still struggling, thus single and not looking to mingle.

[@lianevoelker9845]

Don't do it to yourself 😞. I dated someone who couldn't get out of a toxic relationship for 4 years and was FA when dating me - 1,5 years after she broke up with him. Even after 1,5 years his self-esteem was super low, he had minor panics just thinking about a committed relationship. He didn't want to introduce me to friends and family even though everyone knew about me. But the step was too stressful and big for him. His fear of abondenment and being stuck again was so threatening to him that he would push me away over and over again. He had no contact to his feelings, needs or future visions. He is a truly broken man who hopefully doesn't consider dating until he has worked on his self-worth and knows what he wants in life. But I believe in order to become FA , the person must have been insecurely attached getting into the toxic relationship. There is no way a secure person would put up with toxic behavior. So even if this person has been damaged in a past relationship, something was wrong to start with. If this person is now presenting FA it means that person has done no work on himself/herself. You deserve someone who is secure and safe. Don't date someone who is creating an unsafe experience for you. It's not worth it and too damaging. I broke up 2 month ago, even though I only allowed it to go on for 5 month, it did something to me no other relationship did to me. Please be careful.

[@audtasticgirl]

Yes!!! I am FA after 15 years with one. Still have to heal as my responsibility.

[@audtasticgirl]

You’d handle it by knowing how to show up for FA people’s needs. Transparency, accountability, being validated… basically everything that the narc didn’t do!

[@EmilyBrody-b6z]

Please caption. Ty

[@eminencegrisse]

I LOVE this

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@0Demiyah0]

This is slightly off-topic, but has anyone noticed that their DA person's body language is more truthful than their words? Mine rambles all the typical stuff DA say to enforce walls and would deny everything, but he bites his lip uncontrollably when he sees me, he has a skip to his step and walks tall, he has a sparkle in his eye, he paces back and forth when he's nervous, he fidgets when he's triggered. His body is so honest of the feelings he won't convey in words. Learning how to read his bodylanguage has also helped in the power-struggle phase, as a matter of fact.

[@lianevoelker9845]

Oh yes, 100%. It even confused me. His actions were louder and very different to his words. It's the reason for why I stayed - and I wished I didn't. Ultimately they self-sabotage. You need to be careful and aware that some DA's will eventually fall out of love when it's getting too much for them. Some cheat if they have empathy issues. I talked with my Ex-DA about empathy because I wasn't sure if he is a DA or just has autism. Turns out he doesn't feel what another person feels, which is why he didn't hug me when I would have needed it. When they are so out of touch with their own feelings, they will end up doing things that will hurt you because they don't understand how their actions tie in with your feelings.

[@0Demiyah0]

@@lianevoelker9845 yes, I have already experienced some of the warning behavior you mentioned. I think DA's when they are not triggered are actually very sensitive and empathic people, although they do not verbalize it. I see the issue more as they have no self-compassion, so they will also have naught for you in the areas where they haven't met themselves yet. Like, if most of your life people told you things like "shut up or I'll give you something to cry about" - perhaps even with a real looming threat of violence - obviously to see their partner cry they have no model of behavior how to show empathic concern, they just relate that if they were sad they probably would've rather been alone, and your crying also triggers the repressed loneliness, hurt and trauma of all the times crying was associated with repercussion and negativity. So, the instinct to give a hug is 1) not a modeled behavior 2) closeness is related to repercussion and pain 3) resurfacing trauma triggers freeze/flight. It's very difficult for someone without therapy to process those triggers to be present.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Do any/all of these beliefs resonate with you?

[@connectyourstories]

All of them! Thank you! Few of us learn how to create a space with someone where we can share our emotions. We should all have been taught this in school.

[@sifublack192]

1 and 4

[@nickjsky1]

#1 is not a lie. "I feel better when I don't need anybody else" is an honest statement of a DA's emotional experience. To call it a lie seems like gaslighting. Yes, for pragmatic reasons, sometimes we do need others, but that need can result in discomfort for a DA.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I wholeheartedly agree ❤@@connectyourstories

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤@@sifublack192

[@lisafrankenstein3657]

Y'all are pretty self-righteous for a group who were drawn to a relationship with these people. Don't forget to take accountability

[@Candy_Mountain]

It’s not so much “self-righteous” but rather a collective group of people who have noticed patterns of DA’s and are trying to make sense of what they went through. They can be very charming and also manipulative in the beginning of dating.

[@rayawake]

@@Candy_Mountainagreed and that was a professional respectful response to someone who was being defensive

[@meagandekkar6377]

Ok, I’m busted!

[@georgechris8796]

are some of these people simultaneously called by others sigmas?

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Word

[@karenKristal]

I know she is speaking the truth, but I just cant believe any of this 😕

[@MO-ss5mj]

Wow

[@wangergamer3879]

So DAs have trauma, so they have a license to inflict trauma on others?

[@0Demiyah0]

You have an active role as well to discern for yourself to what degree you are able to be empathic and patient and when to pull out. You don't have to be passive just sitting through things that come across as abuse to you. It's also on you to know your boundaries with someone who has childhood abuse/PTSD/attachment issues.

[@rayawake]

@@0Demiyah0yes very well said

[@Calbizzle]

No, I get what you're saying. DAs are rarely held accountable by psychologists. It's up to everybody else to work around them because DAs look like regular people, so it's up to us to leave their asses. Where's their accountability?

[@0Demiyah0]

@@Calbizzle how do you know they aren't held accountable in therapy? 🤔 What do you mean "look like", they actually are regular people?

[@aerog9860]

I agree that point 3 and 5 are lie but the others seem more like truths. Everyone has flaws but they are some things that are unsolvable and better to move on. Jumping relationships is not only detrimental but very dangerous. Relationships in general are very dangerous and will inevitably ruin you. Not worth the effort.

[@cappygurl]

I see another lie you are telling yourself. "Relationships are dangerous." I hope you work on your attachment and become less avoidant. You will have a happier life if you do.

[@ZeonTwilight]

Relationships are dangerous. Have them anyway. :)

[@joygibbons5482]

Why? @@cappygurl

[@cornwallismorgan874]

No. If your relationships are dangerous, that's a problem.

[@ZeonTwilight]

@@cornwallismorgan874 I mean, if they are literally dangerous physically yes, I agree with you. Probably not a healthy relationship. Same if you're being verbally abused, no one should tolerate straight up abuse. But that said, that's not the spirit in which I was speaking when I said "Relationship s hurt have them anyway." so now I'm going to clarify my statement. No one is ever safe from the risks that come with caring about other people. Sometimes they will do things that hurt, something they said, something they didn't say, hurt happens, sometimes relationships sting. You don't get to have close personal relationships without being vulnerable to the hurt that sometimes comes with it. The important part in my experience is finding the people who try their best to learn from those moments, and not make the same mistakes again. They tend to be the ones that allow for growth both in themselves and others.

[@afterdinnercheesesnack]

The way I wanted her to go innnn on some DA’s at the beginning lolol (No hate for the DA’s I know y’all struggle too but I’m currently being burned by one lolol)

[@Calbizzle]

Good luck xxx

[@termiitos]

You're not being burned....but you are letting yourself burn. (Speaking as someone who is also currently in the trap and realizing the only way out is myself :') )

[@michaelsexsmith5467]

Emotional band width a big factor! Working together on strategies. Wow this resonated with me... keep up the great work!