Dismissive Avoidants: 6 Symptoms of Emotional Anorexia & What to Do

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6 Key Symptoms of Emotional Anorexia in Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
What is Emotinoal Anorexia
Emotional Anorexia in Dismissive Avoidants
6 Key Symptoms of Emotional Anorexia
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Thank you for watching!

[@jordanlevitt1638]

My DA isn't necessarily protective of his money or material possessions (he's usually the one to pay actually), but he is rly protective of his time, where he just does whatever he wants to do without much consideration for others

[@jillian2596]

Do you experience hot & cold behavior? Maybe that's more of a fearful-avoidant trait.

[@filthyterrible]

I think DA's, well, me anyway, have developed the ability to engage in solitary activities. You get really used to time alone to process, or to occupy yourself with lone solitary activities like painting, songwriting, science, philosophy. Tricky thing about us is that we're quietly making concessions but keeping it all in an imaginary spreadsheet in our mind and starting to resent our partners for not noticing all the quiet sacrifices that we're making. So why can't we have a few days alone without answering a bunch of questions we tell ourselves. Being alone shouldn't be a privilege I have to beg for. And it shouldn't, but you might want talk to him about the secret ledgers you both keep in your head. Talk about them - NOT WITH A GOAL of winning a martyr award - but actually arguing one another's point - strengthen one another's points and add to them as though you were their debate coach. Sometimes it's enough to be heard. For both of you.

[@Jay-qh6uv]

This is interesting because as a DA, my main love language is gifts. Gifts are a very safe way for me to express my love to other people, so I am not protective of my money at all. If I could pay people instead of spending quality time with them or touching them, I would do that 100%. I am however very protective of my personal possessions and things I consider "private", which is almost everything. I don't like when people come into my room, I don't like my things to be examined closely, I don't like people touching my stuff. So not protective of and generally very generous with my money, HIGHLY protective of my "private" things and personal possessions. I wonder if many other DAs have gift-giving as their love language.

[@missscarlett5464]

@@Jay-qh6uv Ive been dating a DA for about a year. He always pays the bill in whatever we do. He does however have a stingy quality that I can't put a finger on exactly. I hear the words, "that's my" "its mine" "this is my". So maybe possessive is a better term. I get it but at the same time I'm super generous (overly so) that its strange to me. Anyways, the day I found out about attachment styles and that he was a DA and I was an FA it was like a light shined down from heaven, and I could stop taking alot of stuff that was giving me anxiety in regards to him and not take it personally. Typical FA behaviour of having my "Why" question answered, haha

[@Jay-qh6uv]

@@missscarlett5464 Just as a heads up, woman to woman, be wary of any guy who simultaneously insists on paying for everything/being the bread winner but also emphasizes that he owns everything he buys. That sounds like a road to a toxic relationship featuring financial abuse to me, and has nothing to do with attachment styles. Make sure to never become financially dependent on ANY male, especially one who throws up financial abuse red flags like this.

[@MultiGothGirl]

I'm not even 3 minutes into the video and you're already putting into words so many things I experience which I couldn't describe up until now, as a DA. Your videos are a sanity saver now that I know what I'm experiencing is valid and I'm not imagining xx

[@IamCoachCourt]

Way to work on yourself. As DA you’re ahead of the game.

[@gracelewis6071]

Amen to this!

[@marcmoini]

Thank you, it brings clarity to hear the reason someone avoids interaction is fear of not having enough if they give, because their history made it both compulsory to give and also dangerous to receive so they can refill their emotional tank.

[@jerrykasinger8621]

I love this Thais!! You Have such a good sweet heart ! so thorough And help us understand this . My wife and IAre struggling In our 30 year marriage. She is an extreme dismissive avoidant, and I am a fearful avoidant. These talks and classes that you have been providing have been helping us to understand each other and we Are Closer Now that we can understand each other better

[@zedx6362]

Thank you, I am a DA for sure... Never knew it till last week during my talk with my therapist, and your videos are definitely helping me understand more. Im 36.. wish they would teach kids about all this when they are in school. Also subbed. Have a great day

[@EVCarGuy]

Thais, you have been and continue to be an incredible wealth of knowledge, understanding and compassion. Thank you from my heart for the work you do.

[@Sunfl0w33r]

You’re a GEM💕

[@kyramoonrise9064]

She ISSSSS❣️❣️❣️

[@wategoslife8371]

Good stuff ❤️❤️😭😭

[@mindtobodyfit]

Gem alright. Feel like watching these vids have healed me sooo much! 💛🙌🏼🙏🏻

[@karenthompson5539]

Thank you, once again, Thais. This video helped me better understand a DA friend (romantic interest) who has distanced from me. I am an AP and have been having a hard time understanding and not personalizing his suddenly detached behavior. Your video gave me insights into how he may have been impacted by intergenerational trauma in his family.

[@danaconnolly8574]

You are amazingly insightful. Thank you so much for sharing this content. It has helped me understand myself (of which I felt so different from other stories) and the men I date. I’m a fearful avoidant who always attracts Dismissives in addition to feeling weird with friends and all my life felt something was wrong with me. You are really doing a huge service to people’s lives and hearts by sharing this. Thank you thank you thank you!

[@raphaellavelasquez8144]

I have this severely. I'm 61 and have no friends or family. It's terrifying.

[@julietcoles6245]

Raphaella, I am so sorry. But remember that 61 still leaves you many years to make friends and deep connections. I pray you do!

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

I'm nearly 57... and I feel 'ya. I'm FA, though...

[@AshleyLebedev]

Love to you Raphaella. I hope now a year later you are doing ok 🧡

[@aprilsexton893]

My God, you have pinpointed my significant other. He has been this way for a year. I'm trying to be understanding

[@asiyashahama5875]

Thank you so much for making these videos! They have been so helpful to me. I am a DA on the road to recovery. I have been asking myself every day how I feel but it’s still hard to realize which part of the body it comes from. I have been trying to open myself not only to myself but also to the people I care about. It’s been great but I still think there’s a part of me that finds it hard to receive. It’s like I am always going to be giving more than I will receive. But thank you so much for doing this. I am thinking of joining PDS. 🙏❤️❤️Beyond grateful.

[@katalinmcewan]

That’s really interesting. So far I’m the one who keeps giving to the DA. How are you doing now? Have you made a lot of progress?

[@justinefreedom5964]

I was completely engrossed in this video the entire time...and usually my attention span is short ha. I've been watching your channel for about a year and the information in your videos is so life changing and indepth. Absolutely amazing and has helped me immensely. I'm a Fearful Avoidant...who has a Dismissive Avoidant best friend...and this channel has been invaluable in helping me understand myself and them more...and to slowly move forward and start taking steps to move out of these attachment styles...working towards Secure. Being able to know the best way to encourage and help those important to us is so important to me. So THANK you Thais for all that you share! I love your passion and energy!

[@varghessmith2985]

Thais is growing in knowledge & complex depths => sign of a good therapists

[@tashalodge1340]

Wow I'm early, I was just researching intimacy anorexia 😬 I think you are reading my mind!!

[@windermily]

Her: I don't want this video to be the longest Me: Please continue!

[@mismiserables]

I have some of these, all of the withholding (except material stuff...all though sometimes I won't want to buy things for people if I feel I don't have enough for myself) and being busy. I'd really love to see a video on Intimacy anorexia. I've realized always say I love watching movies or do basically anything to not sit with emotions to not think about life...lol. It's almost automatic for me to go towards those things.

[@rymndry]

I’d love to see a video exploring the connections between dismissive-avoidant attachment style and hyper-Independence

[@relationshipskills6855]

Thais, thank you. You have such a hopeful, positive tone. Can you teach how to become more receptive? Also, maybe some video dialogue of a more secure couple.... what are more of the questions you use to open your partner and indicate you are here to build hearing and holding space? (In this you said.... how was your day? How do you feel today? You’re sad? Why and what’s up?)

[@defglo]

+1 I'd love to know this too.

[@lq615]

Really well defined, so true. I experience so many kinds of withholding

[@smashtaylor4436]

dismissive creature comforts lol just brought me soo much joy. I'm anxious and my avoidant lover has been ignoring my calls for 2 days. you are helping me feel sane thanks!!

[@TruthofLove]

And just like that I have learned a new term. Keep up the good work!

[@christopherscott3264]

Thais: please, unpack more (at 16:40) on this. Please make a second or third video on this, please.

[@leolady8114]

Great info!!! Please provide more in-depth information on the DA withholding intimacy patterns and how to break through that.

[@95turbogirl1980]

Yes please

[@BrokenSofa]

Finally much better sound! 😃

[@jake1860]

One of your best videos yet for sure! An FA one too please

[@agamng]

Oh the last one was always busy, told me in lockdown when you are not allowed to do anything that he sad Saturday plans but he didn’t remember what he was supposed to do on that Saturday evening 😂 then said would see me on Sunday and on Sunday messaged he didn’t feel well 😂 it got better because every Sunday (even when we didn’t make plans to see each other) he was messaging he felt miserable and then on a Friday texted : I’m feeling miserable and it’s not even Sunday That was the highlight of this circus I was a part of Then few days later a text saying : as you know I haven’t been feeling great recently so I think I don’t want to string you along and we should leave things I’ve heard many things in life but being 33 and texting stuff like this it’s absolutely ridiculous 😆 he always had time and told me abt hanging out with other ppl, was always in a rush to leave my house after staying over - literally ready in 10 seconds to leave the door in the morning saying he had to work at 8:00 when he could have started work any time between 8 and 10:00, extremely stingy, acting like a princess telling me to take him out 🤣😆 just absolutely crazy - what a waste of time

[@katalinmcewan]

Yikes! My DA is super immature too. Never paying for a man ever again either!

[@edgreen8140]

Withholding behaviors and withhold avoid feelings. Emotional anorexia. Stonewalling, withholding material things food, money, breadcruming. Meting their needs by escapism but that’s not meeting your needs drug use.

[@missuntitledblog]

This is why when I, for example buy chocolate so that no one else takes from mine I get an extra chocolate for them. Because I admit, I don't like sharing particular things. I also label my charger, because if they take mine I let them. And so there's no conflict, I label my things (not everything, just the same stuff we have)

[@Lenai11]

Thank you so much for your videos! Please do an intimacy anorexia.

[@Jay-qh6uv]

Would really love to see the videos on intimacy and sexual anorexia! I know I have both big time.

[@95turbogirl1980]

Same!!!! I'm struggling with this in my relationship and I didn't even realize there was terms to identify these things. Now I need to now how we can overcome these things.

[@colsonpeacock6799]

thais dropping truth bombs

[@edgreen8140]

Spectrum from avoiding emotions to repressing emotion to stating you have no needs and repressing emotions. So f60.81 at the extreme right but there's an extreme left. Can not classify w dismissive or fearful avoidant combo could result at extreme in narc. ( Example person not working with holding from others fault finding In others , blame, ).

[@zzulm]

I resent giving attention to people in the past I would give my attention to anyone and end up depleted and angry with them.

[@Didleeios88]

2:10 starts

[@mumsiedarkdragon2296]

What do you do when the DA gets angry when you try bring up needs and feelings?

[@jamisonlamkin5576]

Can relate to those dismissive avoidant creature comforts

[@skymackerel]

hello, i'm interested that the school uses the term 'anorexia' to describe an avoidant state. i've been wondering if there's any correlation between actual eating disorders (and/or other addictive tendencies) and avoidant attachment types? avoidant tending people seem more likely to seek comfort from these kinds of (solo, private, repetitive) strategies. i was able to recover from long term eating disorders and addictions almost directly when i started addressing my attachment style (former DA). just curious if there's any other info about a possible link there. thank you also for your encouraging, helpful, transformative work ❤️

[@katalinmcewan]

I have read that DAs often suffer from addictions. My DA seem to drink a lot at the weekends and elsewhere someone commented that he was an alcoholic for 7 years. Glad you are so much better now! Very impressive! Really hope I can get my extreme DA to work on himself too.

[@angelaolooney2751]

Thais, can you do a video on how your attachment style effect your relationship to your boss/employer. Many thanks.

[@letmeseemm]

Wow.... this helps puts everything in perspective

[@zentient8840]

Running your icy cold hand in warm water actually hurts!

[@JustinWillis_actual]

How do you help or support someone who entered this state due to high levels of stress or COVID-19? I'm noticing a lot of similarities here wherein my ex was constantly busy for weeks on end and would rarely communicate with me as if their "gas tank was empty" and ultimately left me because I didn't understand what was happening.

[@cathrinekatsigianni8823]

How can you distinguish when someone is just dismissive avoidant or they have some of these traits and not being interested in somebody?

[@katalinmcewan]

That a tricky one. I really believed that for months that the DA was not interested. I was wrong. Totally weird behaviour though. Trying to figure it all out. I have never experienced anything like this before. He is an extreme case IMO.

[@kellyvandall3355]

Never got compliments but every flaw was pointed out. Intimacy and sex was non existing.

[@kewkiex5328]

Weird question but how would I be sure i know what I’m feeling?

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

DA here. And gas is so expensive rn too!! 😭😁

[@siewsunwong3941]

Thank you very much Thais. I discovered you from Helena Hart’s interview with Jonathon Aslay. Since then I’ve been listening to your channel. The analogies you used make great sense. Your advice also works. Thank you for offering these free videos. Would your school be interested in co-developing virtual simulations of attachment styles with either live coaches and/or pre-programmed non-player characters to help the audience practice what they learn?

[@Ateam143]

Can you please talk more about emotional anorexia and intimacy anorexia da in relationship with fa? TIA

[@missscarlett5464]

Can peoples attachment styles only really be an issue in romantic connections. Im an FA and I lean DA with family and Anxious with romantic partners, as far as friendships those are pretty secure.

[@houghton841]

Yes, these patterns aren't fixed and fluctuate depending on the other person and their expectations of the relationship in my view. I'm secure with family and friends and absolutely avoidant with any possible romantic involvement.

[@EastWind785]

I'm exhausted after eight weeks of trying to get my head around what happened in my triggery last relationship with a DA. Your Videos are so beautifully generous Thais. I'm willing to do my FA work to get secure. And welcome in a more balanced relationship in the meantime...

[@Mushroom321-]

well explained!

[@heyitsmeelsag.3795]

HELP! Currently is in 3years LDR with a DA. We started so beautifully and because of the distance, I as an Anxious Attached person tends to trigger him a lot of times. This is so painful. Thrice already that he suggested a break up but is not really deciding. We are in time off right now. I've been trying my best to understand him and let him know my desire to change on how to approach him. He isn't replying. I don't know exactly what to do. Been meditating and all. It's really damn hard to be with someone who is dismissive and avoidant. I'm thinking will change when we're together already? We're from the Philippines. He went New Zealand. I am now in Australia and maybe planning to move to NZ. But I'm afraid he'll not change and ended being miserable with this person. HELP. THIS PAIN IS KILLING ME. 😔😭😭😢😢💔

[@agamng]

Just finish this - I had recently met three ppl like this - all extremely selfish, self absorbed, defensive, it literally was like trying to make a cat bark - impossible They have zero capacity of creating relationships, they only think abt themselves, will use you because of whatever reason and then just finish things. Stop trying to get into an adult trying to save and change them, they had 20 or 30 sth years to learn basics of relationships and they chose not to as most know exactly what issues they have but are not bothered to change. They will leave you confused, miserable, with massive self esteem issues thinking there is sth wrong with you. Stop trying to get validation, win attention and squeeze water out of a stone

[@MJ-cx4mq]

I can‘t recieve love and also not give it... 50% fearful avoidant 30% dismissive avoidant

[@ekcsl]

Can I be DA and an FA at the same time? I relate to both more to FA I think but your test also said about 1/3 DA and 1/3 FA

[@robijuli236]

Idk if it’s possible but I’ve taken every test available & Ik that’s not diagnostic but I have actually had professionals tell me the same thing ... i always scored super high for every insecure attachment style.. like disorganized is always the highest but I so strongly relate to the dismissive & also anxious altho that’s a lot more similar to disorganized but am I just disorganized & that’s y I relate to both so much? Bc I’ve heard disorganized has aspects of both.. also I never used to b that dismissive avoidant unTIL my adult life after I got into a rly toxic relationship (just always disorganized & I could rly only relate to anxious avoidant otherwise) & then suddenly it was like a switch flipped & I was a whole different person & suddenly completely identified w the dismissive style.. I’m confused lol is this even possible or am I even crazier than I already thought b4hand lol

[@strongerasone2403]

What does it mean if a DA avoids walking with you at the beginning/end of hanging out/date but watches you as you walk? Are they ashamed to be seen with you? Do they not want to show romantic interest? Is it a test to see the reaction of the person? Why do this when the rest of the time they have no issue talking/sitting/walking together?

[@michaelsandford9193]

Goodbyes/seeing you for the first time might be a stronger emotional experience and creating that distance is how they repress those emotions. Being happy to see you and sad youre leaving might be harder to deal with than enjoying your company.

[@tammyalexander2617]

For the DA's who watch these videos and was motivated by their own desires to change their attachment style, what provoked you?

[@Lenai11]

Tammy Alexander my partner told me they were bored with our intimacy 💔

[@tammyalexander2617]

@@Lenai11 thanks for replying. And so sorry to hear that. xx

[@zedx6362]

Realizing that my wife and I were arguing about the same stuff all the time. And seeing how much it hurts her and me.

[@maricakez]

After years of therapy I’m in a healthy relationship with a truly wonderful person. I’m very aware of my DA tendencies and I want to be able to give and receive more love. I’ve discussed all this w my partner and he is extremely supportive.

[@tianal8851]

The internal loneliness 😒

[@bassface84]

Ok... I think I can do that...

[@royalty2924Love]

I have a question, can one be secure like about 60% and dismissive like 30%?

[@RH-ul2bc]

Of course you can. Thais has a quiz. Look in description box or her web page.

[@eirikmurito]

Why did you say that feelings are essentially just something you feel in your body, that is clearly not true..

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

I'm emotionally starved... but I'm FA. Edit: The DA that I love seems to give of himself to others, but not to me.

[@95turbogirl1980]

Same

[@avaprod.8622]

This video doesn’t really explain what need are? I mean I get it’s feelings but what does it equate to?

[@javierfernandez2011]

Thais why do you keep referring to sex and intimacy as if they go together? Intimacy is the sharing of our internal reality and sex can be a part of it but, just because you are engaging in sex doesn't mean you are engaging in intimacy.

[@smarzouk82]

Had a great relationship with a DA, now apparently an EA. Married 10 years. After our child was born, decided she didn't have enough for the marriage and completely withdrew. She is also around the age where she may be going through perimenopause, or a midlife crises, and the signs are there. How do you deal someone like this 💔?

[@lau.tizzir]

What is EA? Could it be that a combination of postpartum depression and perimenopause affects and intensify her DA attachment, making it worse? Therapy could help.

[@shukrisaleh3389]

As a DA, let her go, It's a waste of time and energy.

[@katalinmcewan]

@@shukrisaleh3389 Oh no! Are you suggesting that we should just run and not try to support the DA to work towards becoming securely attached? I’m still deciding what to do.

[@jamisonlamkin5576]

Man this is so me

[@aurinkobay7118]

uhhuh yep that is me extreme true DA.

[@vivtodd2473]

Can you talk a little less rapidly?.. brill info and never had probs with anyone’s speed of talking.. but you talk very very fast? 🙏🏻

[@tashalodge1340]

Are they the same?

[@southernsoul152]

Tasha Lodge Yes. Coined by Doug Weiss, he’s on KZbin

[@southernsoul152]

SORRY! My bad, Intimacy anorexia is Doug Weiss. Ultimately they are very similar so it would benefit you to look him up.

[@tashalodge1340]

Yes I've been reading and watching his videos it all seems to tie in with avoidant attachment though just another facet? So interesting and painful at the same time. Sad to be more interested in someone's inner self than they are. It does help make sense of it though and brings about some peace of mind.... Helps me feel less rejected.

[@southernsoul152]

Tasha Lodge I feel ya *hugs*. That’s exactly what they say codependency is... caring about someone else’s issues more than they do. Key is to learn that their issues aren’t personal. I’ve been married to a dismissive for 13 years and I can honestly say the reward was realizing it’s true... “we except the love we believe we deserve”.

[@danaconnolly8574]

Can you go into more depth about what you mean by that? In your 13 years have you realized that if the DA isn’t willing to do the inner work that their patterns don’t change? If you don’t mind, can it expand on “we accept the love we think we deserve” in regards to the DAs treatment of us. Thank you so much! Please don’t feel the need to share anything you are not comfortable sharing

[@songsforsale427]

You are too professional for those backgrounds. Go get one of those logo banners, they look great

[@ameveakimomo2029]

How do I connect and communicate with my partner whose closed themselves off from me because of extreme Emotional Anorexia :( I message them and offer my support only to be ignored.

[@Kyrmana]

Wait till they come to you. Focus on yourself in the meantime.

[@mhyunsook]

hmmm you must be anxious attachment or co dependent

[@ameveakimomo2029]

Kyrmana thank you 🥺 I needed to hear that. I havent known what to do lately about it. I don’t want to push them but at the same time not being able to communicate with them really tears me apart.

[@ameveakimomo2029]

art is Universal yeah ; ~ ; I have an Anxious Preoccupied attatchment style, with Fearful Avoidant tendencies. My partner is Dissmissive avoidant and is extremely closed >~

[@Orisiya]

@@ameveakimomo2029 Shinae Taylor's advice is the best approach I think. I'm in a relationship with an avoidant for about 1 1/2 years and it's getting worse. I adopted the "wait for them to warm up" approach and believe me, they can get cold instantly, even when you think there was progress. Also, they don't care much about others and they'll always blame you for everything. (Ok they do care, but they never show it and actions are important). So communicate and if they ignore you, try to leave even if it's hard. I still can't and I am letting him treating me like I don't matter. Don't allow yourself to become that person. You'll start hating them ..and hating yourself.