5 Key Requirements for the Dismissive Avoidant to Forgive Others

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5 Key Requirements for the Dismissive Avoidant to Forgive Others
- Five Key Requirements for Forgiveness
- Why These Matter
- Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
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Thank you for watching!

[@hmanfilms]

Conflict getting resolved is how true intimacy and relationships are formed. It's near impossible to be with someone who is so conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. It's just setting the stage for a toxic, dysfunctional pattern of breakups and fake reconciliation. The root problems from conflicts are never fully resolved. It's sad. You can show up and do all the emotional work but if someone who is DA is unaware or unwilling, you literally have to end the relationship and heal and just stay as far away as you can.

[@coreoflife]

They run instead of trying to work it out way more. They just distance and even though they get understanding from you... you just never know what they will do. Pulling away or just ghosting never works for anyone. They just are so wounded they can't. Its like walking on glass around a DA. If you don't care if someone comes and goes whenever it suits them, not taking you into consideration and your needs, go for it! Good luck!!!

[@SB-td3ov]

I am no longer in a relationship with my DA. It was the worst experience and wasted 1.5 years. I walked on eggshells for months while maneuvering the activating/deactivating tendencies. It was ALL about him and I tried a million times to discuss any potential issue but he just closed up and would breadcrumb me when I gave him space. Then he just monkey branched to someone else and didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me. I could not win with him no matter what I did. Worst experience and hurt ever.

[@komatsu8169]

Yes, you'll never win with the DA. Almost as if they are narcissistic

[@marcd2743]

Could have written the exact same thing about my female DA. It's tough, but when you understand their deal, it's manageable.

[@youraccount7003]

I've danced on eggshells for my spouse for thirty seven years. She's turned really nasty lately and I'm afraid her behaviour towards me is rubbing off on our kids though they are almost grown up now. I've told her that I'm not going to take any more and we are splitting up. Then I found out about the attachment styles. I'm now torn between just splitting up and showing her these videos. She ticks every single box for DA. Her core wounds came from her mother who was mentally ill and who was unable to meet her emotional needs at all.

[@marcd2743]

Exactly the same thing (1.5 years) only a female DA. Everything else was a carbon copy.

[@marcd2743]

@@youraccount7003 Well, if you are already ending it, what do you have to lose?

[@simeon54]

My thought is: when someone walks away from conflict, and the pain therein, and compartmentalises it, then they doom themselves and their partner to repeat that conflict down the line. What looks like a wise coping mechanism isn't so wise if they are refusing to take responsibility for their 50% of the conflict. Conflict, in my opinion is a crucible for growth. Conflict avoidance is a recipe for disaster.

[@2KChilds]

I completely agree with you. I've always said that Pain is the strongest impetus for Change.You have to sit in your s**t and really feel and experience it to process and grow strength and clarity from it. Suppression and repression only lead to depression.

[@sergeigen1]

Thais has said many times in her videos that a DA wont make any progress unless they are willing to do their part of the work too.

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

So true what you have said. Perfectly stated!!!!

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Their 50% ? If you can get them to accept that, you have great hope.

[@lauraboyes6345]

Avoidants need time and space to process their feelings - did you miss that bit??

[@CaliSweet]

1. Why you did what you did and how you can prevent it 2. Consistently Change behavior 3. Safety, coming towards them with warmth 4. Change their story 5. Meet their needs

[@shepardhudson4528]

instablaster.

[@priscillaaddison-crosby3641]

A waste of tine

[@marcd2743]

@@priscillaaddison-crosby3641 100. Do you want to have a partner or a mental patient?

[@carolyn4647]

It sounds like you can't make one mistake, but they must be free to do anything without comment.

[@justiceforhumanity6566]

Lol. Yep. You nailed it.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I felt the need to write a clear and honest response to this comment. Please know that the tone of my message comes with kindness, but direct honesty about this important topic. @Carolyn I feel that you missed the point of the content. This will be a series, with what each attachment style requires for forgiveness. I did not say at any point in the video that "you can't make one mistake and they must be free to do anything without comment." In fact, I encouraged on multiple occasions that anyone who is curious about this get clear about their boundaries and make sure they are participating in healthy relationships. I believe there were three separate occasions where I paused to express this message in this specific video itself. After years of being in practice and seeing hundreds if not thousands of attachment trauma challenges, I can fairly say that all insecure attachment styles have things to work on and no attachment style should be singled out as "the worst." I know there is a lot of literature that says FA's are "the worst" and I believe this to be very incorrect messaging. I also clearly state the message as a theme throughout these videos that we should leave any relationship that is abusive immediately. I constantly encourage people to show up for their boundaries and to stick up for their needs. This video is designed to educate people who have lashed out because of their unhealthy patterns and who want to rebuild trust. This was a question I received hundreds of times from individuals who are also working on themselves to heal and reprogram their own painful patterns. DA's absolutely have them, but so do other insecure styles. I am proud of people for acknowledging their own part and taking the time to do the work. It will only benefit them whether they maintain a RLP with a DA or not. It is also only through health and growing emotional awareness of one's own patterns that we develop the ability to leave relationships and set better boundaries in our lives. *** I know you probably didn't mean anything by it, but I would ask that you please do not take things out of context or spread unhealthy ideas or information in the comments section of these videos that are meant to educate and serve others. It is not helpful for others who are looking to grow and heal. Lastly, this message is not just for you, but for anyone else to read who may misunderstand the point of this information. Thank you for reading and I wish you and everyone else here reading a wonderful evening. With Kindness, Thais

[@carolyn4647]

Actually, I did get that.... And I do appreciate that you've always been clear that one should communicate one's needs, and that abusive behavior is not being encouraged, and one shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship. I also really appreciate that you've many times have stated that there aren't really guides to win someone back. You're giving us a gift of just being upfront, in generalities of course since we're all individuals, of each attachment style. All of which have their issues. I'm trying to listen with empathy, and logically...I do get it.... But my initial reaction to hearing their needs does feel like one has to have emotional superpowers in order to make relationship work with a DA. It is just my immediate emotional response to the seemingly impossible task when applied to my life experiences. From an outside perspective looking in, clinically....I get it, and I thank you for your insight and teaching.... But it feels overwhelming when personal emotions/feelings/love are in play. I'm not sure if I explained myself correctly, or adequately. Thank you for the dialogue and please continue giving us you're valuable insights.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@carolyn4647 I think you explained yourself beautifully. I hear you so much and I know that the reaction itself comes from pain and probably lots of past hurt. It can be so challenging to have this relationship dynamic, especially when the person isn't willing to work on themselves! I hope that if that is the situation you're in (the person isn't willing to do work), you are able to work on yourself enough to set an absolute boundary (ex. leaving) if that is the only healthy solution. I really appreciate our dialogue and you being able to share yourself so clearly and concisely. If you would like a free membership to our school for a 3 months, so that you are able to work on healing and setting yourself free, you can reach out to my team at [e-mail]. I will put your name down as a special guest and they can reserve you a spot. (No pressure if you are busy, but it will be available to you if you need it)! Sending you appreciation for your openness and vulnerability. With Kindness, Thais

[@sophialimarriaga2123]

I feel the same way sometimes. I’m always reading a bunch of books, articles, watching KZbin videos, journaling, etc. trying to figure all of this out but I also have resentment over how hard I’m trying to understand without somebody working as hard to understand me.

[@magicwandm]

bruh this DA is on his next relationship while I am trying to deal with the issues he gave me a I am an anxious attachment style. This makes me cry and laugh at the same time

[@TruthofLove]

I know the content is gold...but all I can think of is how comfy that couch must be

[@gabbieo5278]

I've watched many of your videos and they helped me a lot.so i just wanna thank you

[@ngozionuegbu32]

😃

[@langstonreece1824]

you are the Michael Jordan of attachment theory

[@kirancromie1772]

I am divorcing my DA husband of 28 yrs and I know for a fact a DA can’t move beyond a marital “hurt”. All hurts are stacked up over time for the most vitriol when they finally speak up. Screw their knowledge. Let them feel the trauma they cause.

[@marcd2743]

Straight up.

[@shebutter3195]

Kiran… I don’t know how you lasted 28 years. I saw the signs year one and broke it off after 3.5 years. Reading and reflecting back on my journal he was doing the same things year one. Do they ever reflect on their behavior? It seems they move on without a care.

[@ellahantolino8670]

@@shebutter3195 the journaling helped me a lot too! It has been 2 weeks ever since my ex DA blocked and broke up with me. Prior to that 4 days before the actual break up, i sent a letter of my apologies on my behalf and he said he was speechless but in a good way so i thought things were stable again until it wasnt. So, after my griefing stage which lasted for a week as soon as i was able to learn more about attachments styles, i looked back on some of out fights (screenshots and journals) and to my surprised (not actually) it really has been going on for a while ! I was aware of the signs but thought that my love for him was enough as well as the things i keep and openly told him to talk things over. Still in the recovering stage rn and watching thai’s video helps ke calm more. Its just really sad. I came secure im this rs then shifted for a while to anxious but good news is that im leaning secure again. As much as i still bits of care for him, i think its more of just the nostalgia and pity for his situation :(

[@karinteeples9715]

Truth. DAs thrive being a Victim. They were ll never take accountability for their mental health issues and diabolical disorder that is abusive to their partner and kids

[@busyazn]

Thanks. 2:50 holding onto pain hurts them. They try to release it by releasing it. 4:14 They want practical understanding of your why & how to prevent that conflict. They want practical solutions on how to deal with it next time. 6:15 they want consistency in change in behavior. 7:50 3- They want to feel safe. how you come to them. Come with warmth and gentleness. 8:17 4- If you can change their story that was activated about themselves. Being harsh or critical will not help. ex: what I said wasn't a reflection of you but a reflection of my resentments or unmet needs that hadn't been communicated. Try to negate it if it's true for you. It helps them bounce from their wound of criticism. 10:30 5 - meet their needs through action instead of just words

[@harsieseutasu758]

Understand in order to navigate any gap with a DA you will have to 1000% have to roll over and do/operate however they want and not show emotion. Why? Because ANY commment on them shuts them down, they run away, villianize you, then either gaslight you into submission to their "emotional mastery" My ex who was a DA would get mad at me for ANY show of not catering to his every thought, use that to cheat on me, break up with me and give me a list of all the things wrong with my personality and what I needed to fix and how to fix it. Id spend the next 4mo toiling to meet those requirements. 6 years of this until i got to a point where i didnt have ugly things like thoughts, boundaries or feelings. Then he still shut down and did it anyway. Moral of the story. This video literally paints exactly what he did to me for years and why even if you manage somehow to obtain the coveted perfection. They will do it anyway because you exist and are close.

[@darlingnikki869]

There's definitely something wrong with them and they don't go to therapy and do hurtful things to others (who did nothing wrong) and they don't apologise for anything.

[@carmen-je6ey]

My dissmisive avoidant person is very rational from what I noticed early on when we met. This makes a lot of sense. I'm secure attachment and I'm learning how to accept his way by your teachings. Thank you!!

[@sf1753]

What kind of things do you do to get across you have a secure attachment

[@marcd2743]

Hopefully you got out. DAs will trash a secure if they are willing to put up with the DAs crap.

[@Calligirl45]

​@@sunbeam9222huh?

[@CristinaaaMx]

Please make a deep video about what DAs need to know about how partners feel with their actions, so they can see its a general thing, not just us complaining. And what they can do to heal/fix it too. Thank you so much for what you do.

[@oliviamoore3250]

Valles Elena YESSSSSSS

[@lizp2512]

Great idea. I think Thais would do a beautiful job at demonstrating a compassionate and logical stance on the effects of their actions.

[@foxerrr7864]

Valles Elena omg yes.

[@etho98]

Shawn F I'm saving this response. So well said... Thanks Shawn!

[@isolditaa]

She's done this already. The video is called something with "dear dismissive avoidant, what your partner need you to know"

[@ZhengSW]

Out of the hundreds of videos that I've seen about breakups, this is probably the one that changes everything.

[@sarahgh5389]

I feel like theres no one else on youtube (or maybe in my life rn lol) who can understand and sympathise better with DA attachment style, thanks for making me feel more understood and less like a defect :)

[@junelee5975]

It is a defect

[@sarahgh5389]

@@junelee5975 😒 It is unhealthy, but not a defect in the sense that it is the fault of the person dealing with this attachment style. So no, it's not a defect. It's a trauma.

[@komatsu8169]

Yall hurt us and walk away without even caring then require sympathy

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Excellent video, thanks Thais!

[@dclarke2179]

Great video I saw myself in a few of them. You explained it well.

[@karlashmeedavlasta6365]

I am not a DA, but I need exactly the same things.

[@tallspicy]

They have to be willing to listen to you and show up to begin with and many DA are not even willing to get past their own pain to be open to fixing it. Don’t turn yourself into a knot when they are incapable In my case I gave advise they did not ask for on something they wanted to work on. They literally said they felt unworthy and my hug, later apology, saying I wanted to support them they way they wanted to, giving them space... nothing I could do could make him open to me ever again.

[@juliejay5436]

Sound quality has improved by 100%, well done. Good info.

[@MitchellRTucker]

Great video, lots of value 👌 thanks..

[@beccayoung7034]

Dating him is exhausting. I'm tired of practically trying to qualify myself as a psychologist just to be treated like a human being

[@beritter]

Thank you so much! Wow, this was amazingly insightful and helpful. I have learned to do some of these things, not on purpose, per se, but from my own healing, and have seen how much the DA responded in a positive way so it makes a lot more sense now.

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

Thankyou lovely ❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 you’re doing amazing work, Thais. So grateful for all your advice. We are all one and creating this awareness (through these videos), helps heal humanity. Everyone deserves love ♥️

[@martinrehout9121]

By the way Thais the couch gives it such a homey vibe I am loving this, it totally balanced out the power of the message with the safety of a home :)

[@chaotic291]

It's crazy how your example in the end was my exact situation with my ex DA girlfriend. It's so mindblowing on how accurate it is

[@honour6524]

Thanks Thais good info as always.

[@pure-pisces9980]

Why does the Avoidant have such strong expectancies.. yet no reciprocation is given! Or rarely do they make changes 😢

[@jmalvika]

very helpful.. thanks!

[@nicolaslockheimers]

Thank you, this is helpful because it's never going to be an even exchange. You have to 'want them' more than they could ever express back.

[@marielamesen7594]

THANKYOU SO MUCH!! You are contributing so much to the world Thais ✨✨✨ I hope you know so. I have a question: is there evidence about a link between dismissive avoidance and drug addiction?

[@_anon_4532]

My biggest problem with a DA is that not only do you have to communicate your needs consistently over and over.. you have to communicate needs that should just be a given in a normal relationship. I don’t feel I should I have to remind someone that I need connection & affection from my partner lol. DA’s who don’t want to change are too much work.. I say give them their space they so deeply want and find someone who enjoys your company & love!❤️

[@isolditaa]

I don't know why but this made me laugh. Thank you, I needed this right now! / FA

[@amnabilgrami9626]

So true 😪

[@lauraboyes6345]

DA's live mostly without connection and affection - so when a partner offers this in a relationship it's hard to respond, or know how much or how often. DA's learnt early to be autonomous and independent so relying on another can be scary. It's a learning process.

[@TatiTalks]

Deleted my earlier comment so that I can continue steadily moving along in my journey. Need to maintain that forward focus. xD but just wanted to pop in here and say love y’all and this supportive community v much.

[@rietta1166]

I am soo glad, I found u. God bless u.🙏 Watching u from Papua New Guinea 🇵🇬.

[@martinrehout9121]

I think what’s really fascinating is that DAs are high in autonomy, and tend to have a generally more stable sense of self than other attachment styles (especially FAs). That is one of the things that infatuated me about DAs as I as a recovering FA had just so much to learn in that area. This means that forgiveness comes more naturally to them because forgiveness encompasses the disentanglement of your sense of self and self-worth from the action that was committed against you. The DA already has their sense of self dis-entangled in the first place if they gravitate towards autonomy at the expense of depending on others in healthy ways. That being said DAs can also be enmeshed generally with their family members. I think that’s also why their recovery tends to be a little different than the recovery of other attachment styles. It’s like they’re the opposite polarity of the imbalance most FAs and AAs have.

[@martinrehout9121]

This also shows how the gift of being in a relationship with a DA brings about an opportunity to grow in your autonomy, which is likely the reason we are attracted to DAs in the first place. It is to learn how to develop a more stable and autonomous sense of self. This comes really hard to many attachment styles and is an excruciating process. That might be one of the reasons why DAs get such a bad wrap, because the polarity between what is being learned by both attachment styles if they don’t keep staying within their comfort zones in the relationship is just so huge. If neither of the partners keep on tiptoeing around each other and stay true to their own needs and communication, the growth curve is exponential. And so is the opportunity for conflict and resentment.

[@simeon54]

@@martinrehout9121 Good thoughts, but I think it's important to remember that a DA is still insecurely attached and is not more or less healthy than an AA or FA. I think you're right about why an FA or AA is attracted to a DA being that they need to grow more autonomy. At the same time, the DA is attracted to an AA because they need to let go their over reliance on independence and learn to become vulnerable and dependable: to become interdependent. I see the insecure attachment styles circling each other, triggering each other, but slowly closing the orbit and heading to a more secure attachment and more fully rounded sense of self. I greatly admired the DA in my life's ability to be self reliant. I hated it though when she sacrificed our relationship for it.

[@martinrehout9121]

Simeon yes it is an opportunity for growth in both individuals. Once the DA is unable to grow as much as the aa/fa, the relationship is bound to have ran its course and both individuals are better off integrating their newfound security, autonomy and self-realisations alone on their own. No need to keep relationships going past their due date, once the growth has reached a certain stage of completion. :)

[@cloudslady3400]

I can’t figure out how they have a stable sense of self and yet emotional immaturely??..

[@mgn1621]

@@martinrehout9121 the autonomy is not healthy…..it is avoidant behaviour, and the inability to connect and be in relationship.

[@williamhuynh4851]

Secure but my past was DA. I had conflict and all of this triggered at the same time. 😑 I want to forgive and move on but all attacked at the same time, I activated my most defensive mechanism, cut ppl off and pull back for some space.

[@cynthiang9611]

Excellent insight. I am a dismissive avoidant. What about for fearful?

[@forevergwladys]

Gems dropped all around!

[@shaheera6362]

Hi Thais, can you pls do this video for FAs as well?

[@dre.ikram.o.i1038]

Can you make more videos about the fearful avoidant attachment style 🥰

[@DulceRubiocandy]

I was wondering if you could do a video about phantom exes?

[@patrickvernon4766]

Thank you Thais.

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

Very interesting video but you are not correct, at least in my case about the DA holding resentment. My DA broke up with me 4 months ago and during our relationship I apologized for something I did wrong. ,4 months forward after she reached out to me, she attacks for what I already apologized for when we actually were in a relationship. So they harbor resentment, and are not really for giving. Also I might add, as soon as I feel she is open more to honest communication I am going to present to her many reasons why I could be resentful for the hurt and pain she has caused me, and never shown an once of remorse! I see that many videos on youtube lean towards how we have to behave with these damaged souls, at the expense of our needs not being addressed or met by THEM! I see narcissistic overtones in my DA's behavior, although I know there is a distinction between a DA and someone with NPD

[@merrym7174]

I think what would be extremely helpful for DAs is to see these things modeled for them. So perhaps some videos revealing their behavior would work. My husband never seems to comprehend until he either sees it or feels it. Videos would be helpful...both of the problem, and then the fix.,

[@darleneesquibel9734]

What about this same type of video but with the fearful avoidant. TY

[@arh3861]

Could you do some content about FAs who may have experienced their trauma from relationships later in life? So much of the course is focused on childhood trauma... I’m experiencing the effects of a trauma related to a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage (now divorced) and fears around long term commitments and remarriage... would love to see more info related to how to reprogram these wounds as opposed to the childhood FA wounds. Thank You!

[@thesetruths1404]

I have the same issue, kind of. I'm secure attachment but was really rocked off balance and away from myself after many years of a marriage where my first wife cheated on me and then when I ended it (for continued cheating) she tried to take all our children and punish me for leaving her. It was very painful. I was trying to grieve losing her while fighting for my kids through custody court. By the time the custody thing was over (11 months later) I felt like was so done with her but I never had a chance to grieve. So now years later I realize I should have better worked at grieving the loss of her and my original family. I don't know what to do for this.

[@carmensanchez7514]

These Truths please, grieve now. You cannot properly grieve through the stress of a custody battle. She will always be their Mom, and should be respected for that, but nothing else. Don’t let her keep you from the wonderfulness you have ahead if you! What you learned will always be a part of you, and will serve you well going forward. Grieve the loss of ‘what you thought you were building with her’. But please, the person you were when you met her is still there. Lift the cover she ‘put in you’ and shine confidently again ... because that is truly WHO you ARE. You are NOT ‘what happened TO you. Much love ...

[@merrym7174]

This is really good...but I'm going to need to writedown the words and then rehearse it multiple times. DAs are very challenging. I have to get mastery of the narrative, or it won't work.

[@lauraboyes6345]

Everything you say 100% describes me. Understanding, logical explanations, safety, the partner needs to change his critical story - yes; and action instead of words. Also I really felt that 3 stage process of accepting conflict resolution is spot on, intellectual, then emotional and finally physical closeness - it's the only way to re-establish connection with a hurt DA. Exactly. Your video really helped. Thank you.

[@laurenjones574]

Question about #4: how do you know what "their story that they told about themselves" is? Is it always that they are not enough, or do those limiting beliefs change? I have a hard time knowing whether a dismissive partner feels upset by me voicing a need (that may come off as criticism), or if they are not phased. My experience has been limited to them slightly responding to what I've said, but there is no additional expression of what they think/feel

[@laurenjones574]

Or is that what you meant when you said that they need to be working on themselves, too? That way it can be a productive conversation?

[@radamus4919]

Hi dear, I completly understand your question. I feel the same way. It does do me alot of good by seeing that im not alone in this thing kind of relationship.

[@chairtymay_BlessedbyGod5023]

My boyfriend is long distance and he triggered my issues of abandonment and things he said and did brought up stuff from my past about being cheated on in a previous relationship now I don't know how to get things back the way they were he constantly shutsdown and needs space he will talk to me for about 2 or 3 days through text then disappear again he said he's not mad still but definitely something has changed

[@isolditaa]

How does a DA react if a FA pushed them away by "wanting to end" the relationship? What stories do they tell themselves and what would they feel? Could that later on be a reason for ghosting?

[@lb2xl]

in my case was "You didnt love me.Your Ego wants me,not you." But i dont have chance to change her narrative.This was only throught text.

[@sergeigen1]

"Playing chicken" wont work with a DA because they are too worried about thenselves and would never admit that they want/need someone else

[@skymackerel]

if someone tells me they want to end a relationship, i tend to think that they want to end the relationship and respect that decision. depending on the situation i might express regret or relief. i would tell myself - i will take time to process my feelings, reach out for support from safe loved ones. i may be hurt but i will keep my heart open for connection with others who value our relationship and are willing to work on it even through difficult times. (-DA)

[@Risingphoenixx66]

I regret that i myself used passive agressive behaviour towards my special person out of frustration, now he suddenly pulls away. I,m glad that i can learn through understanding someone with a DA style through the video,s, i was too clingy, but i,m in love.Now i,m working on myself. What i wanted to ask what other words to use than "i,m in love with you" with an avoidant man . We,ve spend 9 months together as friends, there was intense chemistry, and a big emotional connection too, and trust .(Although it,s suddenly more distrust after i once by accident saw him too late driving by. . He immediately started to act different,) but anyways... Sooner or later i have to explain my behaviour , but i am afraid to loose him as a friend , I,m a 56 year old who has an anxious attachementstyle, , thanks for reading

[@firstladyqueen5985]

What is the difference between fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied?

[@gulaqsa7396]

Indeed it was sooo helpful.... Everything seems workable and valid about dismissive people. They are like angry kids in an adult body.

[@lukethompson5558]

It’s impossible to deal with a DA by text only… What do you do when a DA refuses to talk on the phone or in person?

[@marcd2743]

Leave them. That is one of the many bs games they will play with you. Hopefully you got out.

[@ipaycloseattention]

My DA said he will never feel safe with me. He has never felt safe with anyone. "Safety is an illusion," he said. So he told me apologies don't mean anything. He said we won't break up, but we're probably also never going to have more connection than we do right now.

[@fortificationenjoyer1919]

They are drama Queens, hold strong

[@Makor1966]

Wish I had known this a couple of weeks ago. I'm an anxious preoccupied and I was stalking my dismissive boyfriend with a course to get over his drinking problem. I now see that I was only adding fuel to the fire. So, he told me he didn't want my advice and that he wanted to be alone for a while. Now he's in contact with at least three women on social media, and I'm still trying to figure out where I'd gone wrong and how to make it right again.. 😢

[@deuxquatresixhuit]

Just a gentle suggestions, maybe unfollow him on a social media for the time being? And spend that time prioritizing yourself instead. How did you feel when you were together? How would you like to feel in a future relationship? These are things that helped me :) I can understand wanting to keep yourself informed, but the most valuable information you need right now is internal, not external :) Hang in there, it will become less painful with time!

[@staceygmail4780]

Hey Thais, thank you for this video. Can you make one about how to react or what to do when you're dating a DA and all of the sudden they shut down and distance themselfves by going silent? I am a FA and I am curious what are the best ways to deal with this behaviour and how I can prevent it comes to this point everytime?

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@Stacey Gmail what is FA?

[@staceygmail4780]

@@firstladyqueen5985 Fearful Avoidant

[@firstladyqueen5985]

@@staceygmail4780 thank you I figured it out after.

[@kararijohnson3843]

Where can I get the ebook

[@globalmark3300]

Thais - would love to know how this relates to a EX - and how we can specifically let them know all this - should we reach out or wait till they do ?

[@lisa4cohen]

Currently in the almost done waiting as I’ve given. Myself a deadline which ThiAs also recommends.. but all this info is tremendous, I’m a fa and had no idea about attachment style until it was too late , as my da did share pds with me but only when it was “too late” his words not mine .. I would be willing to reconnect but he has asked for space and time which is now 3 months and I’m afraid he’s not leaning secure if I still haven’t heard from him

[@marcd2743]

The value in Thais's information is not how to deal with a DA, but to be able to recognize them and make sure you never again get caught in their web of disfunction. It also is a pathway for personal growth to learn why you got involved with them/attracted to them in the first place and accepted their behavior.

[@lisa4cohen]

@@marcd2743 yes n absolutely.. I am and with humility .. it’s been a rough ride

[@marcd2743]

@@lisa4cohen I hear you. Been through it myself and it was rough, tremendously valuable learning experience though. I had a female DA and it's just as painful and mental dealing with them as it is with the males. Let's just say I'm ready to close the book on 2022, the year of the DA.

[@lisa4cohen]

@@marcd2743 amen 🙏🏼.. 2023 is going to shine

[@taylorellis4336]

What if u feel like you’re a mixture of all

[@ParadiseAlley1776]

Thats literally what im going threw right now she Loves me so much we love each other but when we talk which is almost never or even if we make one step forward she sees to it that we take 60 back. I don't know what to do. I dont have but 2 months to save this. She tells me exact bullet point items that I hurt her but there's no way it's worth 20 year marriage and 6 kids. She future promises lies mind games manipulates hurts me on purpose and I just want to talk. I dint know what to do anymore. If you have time and feel like helping a family in need would you help me maybe give me a little more info on how to take one step forward without taking one back. Even if we took a half step back I would take it.

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 1:59

[@hotstuff1178]

How do I get him to talk? He's shut down, blocked me and when I do talk he gets enraged so we can't seem to get past all the hurt...his whole personality has switched from loving and sweet to angry little boy tantrums...and blames me for making him react like this. I love him and come to him with love in my heart but he sabotages the peace I offer and tells me, " it's done"....but then he'll say he loves me...hot and cold...I sense deep fear is why he pushes me away so hard....I have been letting him stay in his cave for over a year and threats of divorce have bern made but no action has been taken... I don't want to get divorced. I don't want to give up on him or Us...he is like a bear with a toothache...angry when I talk, he throws tantrum and blocks me as if to punish me...it is mind manipulation and control to feel safe. I know marriages go thru tough times but this isn't normal....yet I feel him in my heart and soul and know he is in pain....but he is hurting me and crushing my soul. I know if I/we can break thru this barrier...just be able to talk and heal and build trust again...we would be the best together.

[@uniquedavenport7232]

He has to want to do the work with you sweet heart if he cant meet you in the middle you shouldn't be trying to work it out with him your only setting yourself up for heartbreak trauma and more failures with him in the future you cant want to fix things more then he wants to fix himself it will never work in your favor no matter how good your intentions were you should separate from him and work on yourself and hold him accountable by cutting him off to work on himself too

[@nikitheeartist]

Unforgivenes is like you drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

[@b_light]

By the way i read it in comment section and I also want to hear your explanation for this question: why avoidants always late on events or reply? Here my experience: I’m avoidant myself slowly healing from FA now I feel more dismissive but at the same time less volatile what gave me more peace. But I’m always late and it gives me hard time cuz I can’t do anything about it. I’m neither 1 hour early neither 30 min late as minimum. My therapist say it’s a sort of provocation, act of passive aggression to test people subconsciously to see if they disapprove me (here we go self fulfilling prophecy) but if my friends sort of accept it and never angry (so it’s 1 of reasons they become my friends) my boss doesn’t haha and my mom who s AP or some coworkers like hating me for this. I feel this, nobody loves when someone late and disrespect work and people, but as more I feel I’m late as less I want to go because peaceful and acceptance for me more valuable then job or anything else. That’s why I’m freelancer and even working in company I got the point being so good in my work so finding new one s not a big deal. So company closes eyes on my late arriving so I never struggle with fear of no work. Even tho I’m trying my best not to be late and I try to come 30 min earlier since I realized the roots. Even tho I always think that I have to work that good so people willing to choose me and I wouldn’t need to ask a job. This days I never call for work, I get offered and negotiate the payment tho still working on myself and my communication

[@karinteeples9715]

They’re late because of a passive aggressive behavior stance. Nobody will make them do anything . They’re toddlers seriously.

[@darrylyusko8615]

What if the DA dumped me over me feeling disrespected. So, she gave me total rejection due to the conflict which occurred only once... now I’m ghosted. No chasing. NC x 28 days. Should I reach out? Or wait for her to contact me? I really liked her after 4 mo of dating...help...

[@alexandrachirila3099]

Update,

[@darrylyusko8615]

@@alexandrachirila3099 Now 4 months NC. She’s hoovering me now. 2 texts and viewing me on 2 dating sites just last week. I reported her for a false profile... lol. Moved on & healing. Not accepting toxicity, drama and, enforcing my newly discovered boundaries! Thanks for asking for the update! Felt good responding-not reacting!

[@sushisam3010]

​@@darrylyusko8615What are your new limits? Just curious.

[@fkaceng]

My ex is an avoidant. I was patient, understanding, considerate in the relationship. But I made 1 mistake and she could not forgive me forever. Canceled dates at the last minute said she was "busy". Shut me out, deactivated. I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried, it was mentally draining for me. Did I commit a sin? One day, i applied the 6TH INGREDIENT - Confrontation - I said "I hope you do respect my feelings too. I wish to get married and I can't keep going around banging my head against the wall like this." And I gave up. Its good that Thais is reaching out to these bunch of FA & DAs to help them. You people should burn in hell for the heartbreak you are causing others.

[@joei3943]

What about a video helping a dismissive to apologize & fix the relationship when they sabotage

[@marcd2743]

Zebra changing their stripes.

[@bellwetherone5739]

Hi do you provide one-on-one coaching to get back my FA Ex. We have two boys together, and it's been a real rough break up. I could use the advice.

[@JustJRR]

❤

[@Stopstalkingme333]

Starts 2:04

[@logeshgasen1310]

What do we do if they are the one who clearly made the mistake??

[@marcd2743]

Walk away unless you want to compete in the mental olympics.

[@logeshgasen1310]

@@marcd2743 Very true...

[@jeremynicholls5810]

What do you think is the best way to show and engage a DA ex girlfriend consistent change to allow them to open up and communicate more to emotionally get back closer with each other?

[@johnhatton730]

Hey Jeremy, have you learned anything regarding re-engaging them?

[@jeremynicholls5810]

John Hatton I am kind of but it’s damn hard

[@johnhatton730]

@ Jeremy How did you engage her? Did you break NC or did she? Im in NC but its killing me man

[@jeremynicholls5810]

John Hatton I have been doing active no contact but I had times where we would talk and the conversation was good but I still believe there is something stopping her or blocking her from reaching out to me... frustrating but I am ok with potential no answer

[@johnhatton730]

@ Jeremy Thats hard bro. I would be scared of not getting a response. Im not at the point where I dont care yet. How long was your relationship if you don’t mind me asking?

[@LucidLuuu]

If someone has a fearful-avoidant style, or maybe just anyone, would they react by getting defensive when you point out that they might be pushing you away due to their attachment style?

[@justiceforhumanity6566]

Yes. They will say YOU are pushing THEM away.

[@swarnalidas5292]

I know someone who is is a DA. I can feel that he needs someone in his life and he just can't be living a lonely life... But it is so hard to make him understand himself. He just detached himself and said he has no psychological needs and he is good alone.. How can I bring him back and how can I help him understand himself??

[@TheKG636]

Well my dismissive avoidant ex has blocked me on everything for the last 2 weeks so I don't think I'll ever hear from her again to apply any of this 😂

[@MTG9878]

N. Swordsman I’ve been blocked for 4 months after 4 years. I have chosen to move on! I understand her style but it is just too hard.

[@SK-no2pp]

Modern Tactical Gentleman did you look into borderline personality disorder. She might have some traits

[@zidesce7961]

I've been blocked for 2.5 months.

[@MTG9878]

S K She may be but it doesn’t work one only one is working again when she is on she is awesome! I just don’t have the capacity anymore this is the second time she has done this! I appreciate your thoughts I really do. I have no anger towards her, I just cannot do it not good for my head or heart!

[@MTG9878]

Zeke how you doing with that?

[@divyashree6988]

I've apologized for my mistakes. He said he's happy that i realized my mistake but He lost feelings for me after what happened. I asked for a 2nd chance saying I really changed. Won't be needy anymore. He told he'll think wisely but hasn't contacted for 2 weeks.. What should I do?

[@radamus4919]

Let him be and let him go! I see a beautifull lady who is willing to wait and to give. But expect the same you want to give to others for yourself. You are high valued and dont settle like you are depending on him. Much love sis. Last thing, think what you have done if you were in his posistion. Would u let anyone waut for your answer about 15 days or longer. Love yourself sis ❤️🌷🌷🌷

[@alittleofeverything4190]

I would suggest putting 0:30-2:00 after the primary content of the video.

[@Amethysts_moon]

I’m just repulsed by hearing all these pleasing things a needs to do and go through about compromising for a DA. Not my cup of tea but if the shoe fits you, wear it Cinderella. It’s good if the DA partner is willing to put an effort to work on themselves and the relationship, but if not the relationship is one sided and toxic.

[@Msdeewiz77]

How can we tell a DA that they’re a DA? Lol

[@Rosewtr_]

😭😭😭

[@joei3943]

Thais, why do you always seem to stick up for the DA’s and rarely put it out there that they need to do most of the work to reprogram? It’s always what can we all do to meet their needs and rarely the other way around.

[@cheetahcat3940]

Well she did say "this is not about changing yourself to be in a relationship with someone that is not good for you". This is more about opening the door for someone you care about. If they won't do their share to fix themselves or the relationship, then there is nothing you can do. But there's nothing wrong with learning better ways to communicate with someone who is different from you. That's all this is... is communication technique. Different words can produce different outcomes.

[@katenicholson4152]

She is being positive and helpful to those in these dynamics. It is up to us to decide for ourselves what we can and cannot give to a relationship. As someone who has vented in the comment section multiple times, every attachment style has its difficulties. Thais is helping support the individual and the relationship in all aspects.

[@jaredvaughan1665]

Unhealthy INFPs are dismissive avoidant.

[@chickletmonstah]

Not all, I’m fearful avoidant and my DA is an Infj it seems. Still, so challenging…

[@Kv-pk2st]

Nope DONE with DA partner, just to much work. Every word is criticism to DA. They will beat even the strongest secure attachment into the ground. Just walk/ run sway

[@rachelp.6190]

Agreed. I was pretty secure before dating this guy and have regressed back to being more anxious after walking on so many eggshells. I will say he is truly a kind and generous person who loves to help others, but in a romantic relationship those qualities are far and few.

[@downhomegirl5]

How about how do we forgive them? They cowardly ghost, it's very cold & disheartening. How come you only address their hurt, how about how they hurt us?!!! You should be enforcing respect rules like them saying, I need to go inward, it's going to take sometime, I'll be back to work on this. Not just pull the rug out from under your feet. This is so one sided.

[@junelee5975]

Yeah i cant forgive my DA. I realized its not a matter of him forgiving me for my lash outs, but there is no point of giving attention to this person

[@Coeurlarme]

Because it’s not the subject of the video? And you can’t change someone Wesley if they don’t want to change, so there’s no point in telling you how to change them. If you don’t like the relationship leave, it’s not that complicated.

[@andrewboyddotcom]

Surely you're delusional. The notion of a da forgiving anyone is preposterous.

[@peaceandserenitylovejez]

First

[@TheKG636]

Well my dismissive avoidant ex has blocked me on everything for the last 2 weeks so I don't think I'll ever hear from her again to apply any of this 😂

[@donkndave7811]

It's been 101 days for me. I'll never hear from her again. I'll find someone better eventually. Hang in there.

[@IamCoachCourt]

Yeah. You will. Just give her a couple months then reach out!

[@IamCoachCourt]

They don’t trust easily, so once you’re in. You’re in unless you thoroughly violated her trust

[@IamCoachCourt]

What electric said ☝🏾

[@TheKG636]

@@electricfishfan7159 that's actually how I left it with her (after a few messages she didn't reply to) thanks for the help.