Can narcissistic siblings HARM YOU as much as narcissistic parents?

[@dgvfsa66]

A narcissistic sibling is even more destructive than a parent because they control your parent. It's a lose-lose for you.

[@artsydoll888]

Omg yesssss!

[@lisaatkinson6276]

Absolutely. Well said.

[@p.w.352]

Not always, my narcissistic sibling was our narcissistic parents scapegoat, but that made them worse in a different way.

[@TheNicolemulamba]

Omg THIS! This was my life growing up with my older brother. He controlled, and still controls, my mom. My other 5 siblings were his flying monkeys (I, as a truth teller, was also made the scapegoat) until they opened their eyes decades later in adulthood. Now he’s secretly found and developed relationships with the kids my dad had out of wedlock that we recently found about. Years later he told us we are now “allowed” to have relationships with them bc he’s “vetted” them. Oh and he turned our dad’s funeral as his personal time to shine as the official head of the family now. This shit is crazy

[@TheNicolemulamba]

@@p.w.352 I can’t even imagine the awfulness you’ve seen/experienced

[@davebennett4087]

The grief is never ending. You can go NO contact for years and still be triggered by the very thought of them.

[@Ellen-Seeker-of-Truth]

Oh my gosh yes! 💯 I so relate to this!

[@user-akroban]

Oh yes!!

[@kdknyc]

True that. Also, people who behave like them can also trigger the same reaction in me.

[@88freighttrain]

Shows the severity of the issue.

[@mariagorettij2308]

So true

[@cesarroman5695]

Yes, narcissistic siblings can hurt you and the narcissistic parent ignores the abuse which makes it hurt even more.

[@sarahkoren7294]

Or encourages it.

[@terri8198]

Very true. My brother, the golden child, constantly abused me, tore up my personal belongings, always hit me, and he absolutely was never disciplined. To this day, he has continued this toxic behavior and I finally 'ghosted the family'. No one misses me or cares. Quite a wake up call. But I felt like I had a ton of bricks fall off my shoulders, I smiled and now I am so happy.

[@darlenealessio7609]

Sit back and call it siblings don't get along when clearly one sibling is allowed to be the bully, the antagonist and the scapegoat taught NOT to react best description spot on / conditioned

[@faithhopecharity2386]

Or they join in 😢

[@Ellen-Seeker-of-Truth]

Thank you for saying that! 1000% YES! 😥

[@millier9658]

Worst is when you have both, the mother and her golden child who unite against you 🐐

[@nellpulaski4919]

Same. She thrived on triangulation.

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

My mom thrived on triangulation ax well. Now, at 49, I look back and see that my mom worked on triangulating between my GC sister and I since day 1. My GC sister is 44 and her and my mother get worse with age. I've been NC for 6 yrs now. Best thing I could done for me and my kids. Now that my kids r older, they see it clearly now. It does get worse with age.

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissistic personality disorder is the only mental condition where the (narcissist) patient is left alone and everyone else needs therapy.

[@kristinburton4953]

Every time I defended myself against my older brother, he saw me as crazy, even though it was him that started on me.

[@prismpyre7653]

that's part of the problem, I'd say

[@SpiritAnimal1212]

That’s a very good point. I never considered it from that perspective, but, yes. That is true!

[@lisbethsalander1723]

the patient is not only left alone .. but also considered superior.

[@lyndaevans1132]

WOW!!! What amazing insight! You are exactly righT!!!!

[@Animalconferece]

“You become the problem for pointing out the problem” this right here. Every time, it’s “why can’t you just ignore her?”

[@amyalquist5854]

In my house it was "you know how she is".

[@BuShFuCu]

I can relate to 'you become the problem for pointing out the problem' i have had this all my life and I got it from my sister who hated me talking about the family and what was wrong. She chose to disassociate but it didn't solve anything.

[@justasimplesomeone]

Or ‘Don’t be so sensitive / touchy!’

[@paloma_a]

"You are egoist."

[@lor3999]

Dad was the only one who could control “that boy”, but Dad always had to leave for work, younger sister was Shultz, & Mom was exhausted & scarred from severe, severe child abuse and neglect, that she never passed on. So I was both blessed & bullied at the same f’n time. No wonder I’m typing this fifty years later. 🙄 I was happy when in adulthood we were able to get along. He stopped bullying except for the occasional snide remark ,when I could not “help him out” more regarding either his kids, wife, our mutual care of aging parents. All while I worked full time with a husband becoming increasingly ill with a life threatening disease. I was actually proud that those passing remarks I could let go in “one ear & out the other” till the day after our final parent’s passing. I had to hire a lawyer to get him to fulfill our father’s Will ! It was childhood again. Sister wanted “her fair share” but could/ would not share the cost of the lawyer. Psychology & Faulkner was right. “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

[@lambinwolfsclothing]

I have no contact with anyone in my family of birth. I'd rather be alone than in a room with people who make me wish I was.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

I'm applying for a change of name. Not only my official first and last name are hard to pronounce in Canada (where I live), but I also don't want to bear the names that came to me from my N parents. Just want my name to reflect how I feel.. not part of this family.

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

​@@MyFrenchTeacher1 I totally understand your reason why you want to change names. I just thick how it could help you. I would like to know what it will change for you other than the name.

[@artifundio1]

Isn't it obvious? ​@@chiffre-nummer8475 At least for me I think it's obvious bc I was named after my mother. And my last name is my father's of course. When I wasn't as healed as I am now, having to say my name was triggering and/or distracting. Now, after years I don't feel anything related to them. Finally. If it wasn't so complicated in my country, I would've done the same.

[@alonzomosley7]

Same I have no contact they are pure evil

[@deena7155]

​@@alonzomosley7PURE EVIL

[@bridgettetraveler658]

After the toxic parents die the toxic siblings continue to keep the toxic behaviors going! Even after going very little contact with them, they've gone viral with their attacks! I've actually learned to laugh at their foolishness!!!,

[@mimsay2u]

Yes, and I just became fully aware of this a year ago and I’m nearly 70!Things got worse (or more clear?) after parents passed. She announced that she was the patriarch now. I laughed but I could see it was her truth.

[@l.5832]

Yes. They actually ramp it up. I remember in the Bible when it said that when an evil spirit is cast out, it looks for somewhere else to go and in some cases, brings many more evil spirits with it. My sister and I were with my Mom when my narc mom died, and I was already well aware of narcissism so I was protected. My sister was already well in to narcissism. After Mom died she became much much worse to the point of lawyer involvement. In my mind I imagine those narc spirits leaving my Mom, seeing my sister, and saying "We'll be welcome here!!"

[@Bat_Boy]

​​@@mimsay2u- After DECADES, I was finally able to identify my father as a true narcissist (not just some ahole, with a big mouth). And last year, (after a very long estrangment), my siblings were initially confusing to me, as they ALL seemed different, including me. However! There was a common thread linked to that abusive parent: narcissist traits, lack of self awareness, situational awareness, empathy, active listening, tact....some obtuse, callous, cold, uncaring. All different. But that common ugly imprint was unavoidable.

[@AyyBaybay33]

Yes. They are groomed for this. Like the demon transferred

[@lyndaevans1132]

They certainly do!!!!

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Narcisists siblings can be extremely cruel, vindictive, physically and emotionally abusive and bullying. It’s a horrible addition to the narcisistic parents abuse in the first place. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you ❤

[@lynnecryer1811]

My experience exactly!! I have 5 brothers and one sister. The sister is the ring leader in very dysfunctional sibling relationships. I’m first girl, second born, sister is 4th in line. As children we all had to deal with a narcissistic father, emotionally and physically abused mother. But as adults my sister scapegoated me with all brothers. Have been no contact with them for almost 20. Dr. Ramani is so right on!

[@zenbuddha5947]

yes, sometimes they are worse than the narcissist. I also hate flying monkeys.

[@katydid594]

Even worse when the narcissistic parent and sibling gang up on you, or the narcissistic parent laughs at the abuse by the sibling.

[@angelanunez8452]

Muchas gracias doctora!

[@bonnieallen2430]

My experience too. What a complete and total nightmare it all was. Just realizing "what happened" at 60. I'm hoping with this knowledge and some healing I've done the last couple years with the help of Dr Ramani ,that I'll at least be able to enjoy this last chapter of my life.

[@jayj7340]

The saddest thing is to see one of your siblings turn into the person you both fought against.

[@lollie2905]

This!! It's absolutely heartbreaking! :(

[@ColleenKelley-fp4fd]

True. Ten days after our narcissist father died (at age 91), my brother morphed into him! He exhibited the same negative characteristics we often saw in our father. I now believe that my brother, the Golden Child, has these characteristics all along. And easily became a narcissist. After a terrible, accusatory phone call from him...I plan to never see him again. Not because I hate him. As the scapegoat I dislike who he’s become. I wish him well. But from afar!

[@kimhumiston2686]

ABSOLUTELY! It was my older sister who took my father's place , only 10 times worse. Now, no contact for over a year.

[@nettwench]

Oh, yes. 3 of them.

[@queenofthesouth6832]

@@ColleenKelley-fp4fd just reading the replies and my situation is the same!! One accusatory, abusive call from my sibling (plus years of hints leading up to it) and I have decided it is not safe to see him again!

[@lisaatkinson6276]

If you’re trauma bonded to a narcissist sibling since childhood, you will attract narcissists your whole life because you’re already conditioned to not speak up for yourself. I’m just starting to understand this decades later… well into adulthood.

[@Scissor.sharp.]

Absolutely! I sit here and think is it possible my Mother my sisters and my Ex husband all narcissistic? 💔

[@DJH97]

Exactly. Been there. At 64 finally rid myself of 2 narc husbands who were abusive just like my father and sister was.

[@everymomentisagift]

So true!!

[@j.1658]

It’s like we become narcissist magnets. A life of hell.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Me too…..let’s keep healing & speaking up for ourselves

[@HalfassDIY]

The sad part is you may not even realize what is happening until you get older. I was in my 50's before I began to recognize the pattern that was happening over and over again. My wife and I would get together with my brother and his wife and have a great time eating dinner and playing board games. Go home with great memories of getting together, then the inevitable text message would come through explaining how one, or both of us, had offended one or both of them through a completely warped interpretation of something that had been said. Usually, I would just apologize and try to forget about it, but eventually, I started writing down what had happened. Before long, it became clear that this same pattern repeated every single time and even memories of it happening in the past came to the surface. I tried talking with them about it, but they became even more offended by the fact that I had found a pattern to their behavior. Eventually, I just gave up and went no contact. With that one act, the level of stress in my life went down considerably. I wish I would have figured it out earlier in life, but better late than never.

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

Good for you!!!! Its NEVER too late.

[@hannah51238]

I'd just like to shout out for the older siblings who aren't the narcissist 😅😇

[@bigm383]

Thanks!😀👌

[@jeanie5074]

😘👏❤🎉

[@kumarina]

Mum is covert, dad is grandiose, I am the oldest (the crazy one), both of my sisters are narcs

[@turnbacktime65]

Me. ❤❤❤😂

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

Thank you. My younger sister is a N, unfortunately.

[@gjthomas9770]

Mum and Dad died within 4 months of each other. I have two sisters remaining. An overt narcissist and a covert I have become the scapegoat. I nearly lost my mind . No contact is the only way 😢

[@IsabellaMontz]

me too

[@gjthomas9770]

@IsabellaMontz Please take care. If you want to chat, just reply back

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

NC is the ONLY answer, and when it gets bad enough, making that choice to go NC is easy!!!

[@janetuckerbradley]

My sister was cruel to me her entire life. She wholly rejected me. My parents never stood up for me. I longed to have her approval until she passed away. As I now know about narcissistic people, I still hear her demeaning words in my head.

[@Wendybird210]

Very same here

[@cherylcobern4483]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@scarlette7373]

I hear you, Love💯

[@nickjanssen2275]

Same here and I was the older sibling

[@gpbarth]

Do we have the same sister? The only difference in your story from mine is that I never longed for her approval, and I’m sure that has pissed her off even more, but everything else rang true for me.

[@ndftrhjgvku6423]

20 years of a suicidal life, because my sister taught me early on that no one who could help me would believe me. So I never reached out for help. And somehow I still feel that I am to blame. At least I starting to get my life back.

[@inthehouse1960]

My youngest sister, the golden child, was my narc mother's minion. She was never disciplined and they both scapegoated me. My older brother was the only son with 5 sisters and he was also never disciplined and terrorised our family. I'm still in therapy dealing with it at 63 years. The damage is lifelong because it's related to attachment during formative years. The role of narcs in family dynamics needs to be more exposed. Thank you, Dr. for touching on this.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

Hi from a fellow older, non-N sister. I was scapegoated by my N sister and parents.

[@43warriormode98]

Wow this is me also!!! One brother and youngest sibling golden children ...4 sisters 1 brother ...I was the empath only one in this toxic family ..left years ago

[@arenee118]

Hugs ❤

[@TheBigmaExperience]

Literally me right now. Older brother narc and younger sister narc. It’s so annoying how no one else in the family sees it.

[@minoozolala]

@@TheBigmaExperienceNot just annoying. Devastating when you lose everyone because of the slander.

[@mphomolotlegi127]

Narcissistic siblings have no qualms about sabotaging your progress. According to them, you are not allowed to do better than them in life. Their extent of sabotage knows no bounds.They know what they have done to you and have zero empathy about how much they have hurt you.

[@Wendybird210]

Oh my gosh!! I can't believe you finally tackled this aspect. It has been the bane of my existence. I have one sibling, a sister 4 years older and she was The Golden child and my mother did not want any more children and had three abortions. By the time she got pregnant with me the doctor told her that if she didn't have me she might not make it. So I was born and never welcomed and absolutely the scapegoat and my sister got away with almost murder and I am 77 years old and went no contact multiple times and finally 2 years ago completely. It has been a series of harm, diminishment, being condescending, jealousy, and spreading poison to other family members to the point that now her children won't speak to me and one of them was very close to me into her forties, and there was a lie involved of course. She got away with actual torture when we were children without consequences. They laughed at me and considered me a joke and mom used to consistently say she was going to put me in a mental institution. I have raised four children on my own while working at our cities largest law firm, my children are accountantsand pilots and lab techs and all of them generous and kind and big-hearted and I never made them feel belittled in any way. Yes the gas lighting also. It has been a very long road and difficult but I'm still here and my children are doing well.

[@cherylcobern4483]

I am so sorry... thats horrible. ☹️

[@moirabijker]

I am so sorry for the pain you had to endure. But your story is ultimately very encouraging to read. I have to co-parent with a Narcissist dad and I fear the worst for my children. I have them with me roughly half of the time. I pray to God that my influence will be positive enough to counter the unhealthy parenting by their dad. I hope that my twins (11 now) like your children, grow up to be strong, successful and happy people. Well done on a great job of parenting. You can be so proud. 🙏🌷

[@cherylcobern4483]

@@manapeace AMEN! WELL SAID!

[@raysand2557]

I'm glad that the narcissistic cycle ended with your children. You endured a lot with your sister and your parents [her enablers]. How sad.

[@annespun]

Such huge congratulations to you for breaking that chain of abuse. I’m so sorry for everything you endured. I am thankful I was not physically abused, just all the rest of it. Much love to you and your children.

[@awakekate3064]

Dealing w/ elderly parents & the estate w/ a narc sibling is hell!

[@ellinorglorioso2247]

Yep, went thru this and survived. Watch your back and get a lawyer if you can.Take pictures and let the outside professionals involved know the wills contents.Have witnesses you can call on. The more people that know the truth the safer you will be (even from lawyers and judges and neighbors trying to rip off the estate). Document everything,including the emails sent to any lawyers. The narc sybling will try to get everything and I meen everything! It's best to have a legal helper to keep them in the boundaries. I experienced, lying, cheating, stealing, you name it they did it. Mine tried to discredit me in ways beyond belief.Good luck and Godspeed to get this won and done.

[@scota73]

It sure is

[@Stopit8505]

Absolutely.

[@queenofthesouth6832]

this is what i'm going to be dealing with - dreading it!

[@awakekate3064]

@@queenofthesouth6832 Even though my mother left her estate for me to execute in a Legally Unsupervised manor, I felt I had no choice but to hire an attorney bc my two brothers began to viscously bully me even as my mother was dying in the hospital.

[@sybilizzard4926]

Yes. Anyone narcasistic in your life is harmful- boss,collegue,friends,neighbours,siblings,parents,grandparents,etc.

[@csfiskus610]

True

[@lyndaevans1132]

Sad, but COMPLETELY true!

[@NN-re7cy]

🎯

[@karenholmes6565]

There is a special sort of harm if you are reared by narcissists or have an older sibling that is one. I have seen narcs around my entire life. Having an older narcissistic sibling or a parent is not even in the same realm as a boss or a neighbor or even a partner that is one. My ex husband is an abusive narcissist. I got over that a long time ago. I will never ever get over my sister being one.

[@sybilizzard4926]

@karenholmes6565 I agree, but also having been through that, dealing with other narcs outside of our family is even more tough because they drawn to our empathy, or nervousness, they manipulate us and we are vulnerable. We also get triggered by awful people so dealing with the world- given the family contributes to our personal growth- being toxic we don't grow like we should we are damaged in many ways- the world is tough for us, and then another added layer of tough is dealing with other toxic people out there. That's how I've experienced life in a nutshell.

[@trkn4truth]

I agree that sibling narcissists are ver destructive. I am 60 and just beginning my healing journey.

[@Ellen-Seeker-of-Truth]

Ditto 🙏❤

[@bevkassis]

I’m in my late 50s…grew up with covert narc mom, codependent enabling dad, and an older brother who is a grandiose bullying narc. The healing journey is long, arduous and filled with ups, downs, spirals and spin outs. Worth it though.

[@bethj9952]

Same!

[@pamelameltonhuff583]

I am in my late 60s and just now realizing through therapy the horrible impact of the narcissist sister the eldest is the worst the middle is pretty bad too they take no responsibility for any harm that they have done here in the past the middle sister used to but now she has gotten where she's on the side of the complete narcissist the Elder one that has convinced her not to talk to me I will have to go no contact with these two people they have each other for the rest of their lives I will just have to stay out of theirs it is very sad and heartbreaking but that is the way it is I just wish I had started sooner when I was younger to distance myself from these hi jackals now I just really don't care sadly what even happens to them I asked not about them nor do I care about anything that is told to me in the family about them which will probably never be much but unfortunately I will not be attending any functions of there's living or dead how sad I have to get over feeling this way eventually to find peace in my life even though it's late

[@JDS37711]

They can hurt you just as bad and worse quite frankly.

[@darlenealessio7609]

They thrive on it only way they feel empowered by their weak and uncontrollable personality

[@tlove6932]

Definitely agree 💯💯💯 Because they have their OWN set of insecurities, jealousies & envies. Vindictive as Hell. ©️

[@LadyGoddessSephiroth]

Came here to say this. My brother did more damage to me in 3 years than my parents did to me in 35. I was so glad when he left. I switched between maniacal laughing and crying for a few hours. I thought I was having some kind of breakdown. No, I was just relieved.

[@JDS37711]

@@tlove6932 you got that right.

[@JDS37711]

@@LadyGoddessSephiroth I can sickeningly relate only it's not only been my brother it's been my brother's son in whom our mother adopted due to both his parents being ruled unfit by the state we live in. I didn't think this one was possible however I have been most definitely yet experiencing my nephew/adopted brother's ultimate golden child position. Oh an out mother is 81 years old just guess whose going to take care of her.

[@andydufresne8034]

The day I was born, they showed me to my two year old sister and said "Come meet your new brother." She took one look at me, stormed off to her room, and slammed the door. Then punished me for being born for the next fifty years until now. She had both my parents wrapped around her finger and all three of them took out their mental illness on me. I've struggled through life because of the damage they did, never married, and hardly dated despite having no shortage of options due to what a decent person I am. I've stood up to their bullying and been no contact for a few years, but they've acted like I've gone crazy, turned on them, and that it was them who went no contact with me by blocking my phone. They had me convinced my whole life that they were my protectors and the best people in my life and it's killing me finally realizing what evil monsters they are while trying to cope with them treating me like I'm the problem, shutting me out of the family, and smearing my reputation, all because I called them out and they just cannot take accountability. The selfish cowards.

[@clairebourassa5943]

Very sad beginning in life you had 😢 The no contact is the perfect solution as they will never take accountability for what they did to you. Strength, courage and love ❤

[@Bcbg21]

Its so hurtful. One has no one who will listen, let alone believe our truth, their smear campaign and love bombing the relatives is so perfect. I believe in karma, thats the only thing that keeps me going on some days.

[@variklane7032]

My story is similar to0 apparently my sister slapped me the second I was born and my parents didn't even do anything about it.

[@PassionateFlower]

I don't believe in karma anymore. I think we're all on our own out here. Too much horror and unjust acts have gone unpunished and the ones who are punished are done so at random or by luck. If you try to take revenge you end up hurt. If you wait for them to get their karma they never seem to suffer from the abuse they caused you. They never truly feel that painful sorrowful deep mournful loss and shame if what they have done to you. At most if they face any consequences they just feel sorry for themselves and play the victim even more "life's not fair, why is this happening to me, you ruined my life, etc" instead of taking accountability unless it's a publicity stunt to save their image in a fake or public apology or "sorry you feel that way/ sorry you're still mad about that after all this time and can't let anything go, must be miserable for you". That's the lesson. There is no karmic justice for many of us. And not all of us believe in God. Or that God has our back in all this. So at the end of the day, for a lot of us, we're just left to cope with this insanity until we pass away someday and even then there's no promise of closure or resolution in the afterlife. No afterlife after party where all your enemies are either apologizing profusely or burning in h3ll and you have a front row seat in the arena. So if you believe in karma and it's helping you cop then that is awesome. But some of us cannot afford to place our hope in karma. It would take too long or maybe never come to fruition or not even be fulfilling and satisfying like you imagined. So even if God or karma did "punish" and "condemn" the narcissist the way you always fantasized deep down or gave you the remorseful apology of the century, the damage is still done. The trust issues are still there. Even if they commit to being a better person for you from now on for all the right reasons, even if they fully acknowledge the full extent for how bad they hurt you, and vow to do whatever it takes to make it up to you for as long as it takes, that is still giving another person A LOT of power over you to heal you after what they have done to you. What happened happened whether we or they like it or not, and the damage has been done. The trust was broken. Maybe in rare instances trust can be rebuilt but it will NEVER be EXACTLY the same as it was "before" if there even was a "before" which for many of us it was just all abuse from the get go.

[@PassionateFlower]

So basically we still have to be in charge of our own recovery regardless if others are sorry or not or if we will finally get our payback one day and in many cases fight against a system that is not set up in our favor. Many of us live under abusive systems of power and going against our family systems of oppression and the systematic oppressions embedded into the frameworks of our sick societies is a lifelong swim upstream against the current. So that's why we need to choose to resolve our own childhood traumas the best we can and move forward the best we can because we can't rely on previous generations or our backstabbing siblings or treacherous intimate "partners" to be our support group. It would be nice but the fact is our families and the person/people we are intimate with physically don't necessarily have our backs and we have to find one or two good souls we can rely on. And for some of us there are actually zero safe people available for comfort and connection so THEN what you do is you find the most "half safe" people if you need to lean on people still for emotional/financial/medical/legal support. It's not ideal but for many of us we are sifting through the narcissistic garbage to find a handful of half safe people and go low or no contact with the MOST unsafe and unstable and dangerous people and that's the best some of us can manage. So don't feel bad if you have to survive for now on half safe people to help get you through dark times if that is all that is accessible to you for social support. No you're not "using" people you are making due with an impossibly hurtful situation and signaling for help from some half safe people to survive and eventually if you get to a place of emotional/financial/medical/legal safety and stability then you can prune out half safe people and go low or no contact and add in fully safe or close to fully safe people. No you're not a narcissist switching out supply. You are a survivor doing the best you can. Beggars can't be as choosy. When you ha e resources and resolved a lot of inner conflicts it puts you in a better position to choose who you want to spend quality time with which is HEALTHY and NORMAL. You shouldn't have to tolerate Abu or half safe people just to survive but this is the reality for many of us so do what you can until you're positioned with more inner peace and resources to help who YOU want to help and be empathetic to who YOU want to be empathetic towards NOT coerced or under duress to avoid a verbal or physical beating or ostracism.

[@fahimehhh7859]

"u become the problem for pointing out the problem" describes my whole relationship with my family

[@jessicae3915]

I am a twin, and my sister has narcissism. She treats me awful in private, then acts like a victim to gain favor from family members. My mother and grandmother are her flying monkeys. My sister discards me if I stand up to her, she accuses me of false things but she has the ability to get everyone to believe her. It makes me feel like I am going insane.

[@jessicae3915]

Oh, and if I try to put up boundaries after she discards me, my family then views me as the bad guy. That I am not loving and forgiving enough. This has been happening for years. I don’t know how to escape it without completely cutting everyone out of my life.

[@CodeDusq1]

Narcissistic siblings and narcissistic parents all in one place can make for an epic reality show.

[@Wendybird210]

That was absolutely my life

[@sybilizzard4926]

Yes I agree. It be part comical and most parts horror genre.!😊

[@cherylcobern4483]

My family. But no more! 🙌🏼🙌🏼

[@franciscagomes8954]

Add stepdad, and another sibling as flying monkeys and it's a blast.

[@kristinburton4953]

The bane of my existence.

[@carolynjaynes9094]

It feels like a double betrayal when abuse comes from the people who are supposed to be your support. Discomfort, disappointment, and distress are just the beginning to describe these stressful relationships. It can lead to them actually trying to destroy you. Don't waste another minute on these destructive bonds. Free yourself and thrive.

[@rbaid161]

I wish it were that easy to just “free” yourself. But after dealing with this abuse for years, you don’t have any support which makes it a ton harder to get “free”. That’s where I’m now finding myself….i thought my family would always support me, but now I know how toxic they are and I have no friends due to that abuse, I literally have no support. It’s so difficult, and don’t really know where I can go to get the support I need so that I can leave with my three young children. 😢

[@l.5832]

@@rbaid161 Since Covid, people have retreated in to their immediate family units. It leaves the rest of us quite isolated. The womens group I belonged to pre-covid never started up again.

[@elsammakunnappillil3127]

😊​@@rbaid161

[@bvgg833]

Thank you sister for your kind words

[@johenderson3742]

​@@rbaid161Try a Women's Refuge.

[@daphnygregory9030]

I grew up with two narcissistic siblings and one histrionic parent….as an adult I can now understand that I was equally hurt by both, parent and siblings.

[@i.ehrenfest349]

It’s fun when there are several in your family, isn’t it.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

My narcissistic older sister was quite upset to find out that she could not as easily control me as she used to, and so she ratcheted up the smear campaign, turning most of the family against me. It was alarming to me to see how easily she was able to accomplish it -- my almost complete isolation. When I no longer stepped into every conflict to be the fixer, it made them furious with me. I was labelled "crazy" and "an abuser". I finally realized this had been the narrative about me all along. The pain has been a lot to handle.

[@user-nf79]

So interesting when you say you realised it was the narrative *all along*. This realisation has recently happened to me too and it's been a huge shock... life-changing really. I have to remind myself I am a good person, and have made good choices as much as possible and been a kind and loving person. Standing up for myself in the face of oppression or abuse is the CORRECT response (and not a reactive crazy behaviour!). So much to heal though.... And restore. May the Universe help us all.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

I have had the same experience and the bare faced lies. It is very painful

[@jozette-pierce]

@@user-nf79 Yes, may the universe, our guardian angels, Jesus , all help us.

[@johenderson3742]

​@@user-nf79My family deprived me of a family.

[@Violet_Lotus_]

My sister... SHE LEARNED FROM THE BEST!

[@lisakeller9105]

Mine too. She died a few years ago, though

[@Wendybird210]

Same here!!!

[@kristinburton4953]

They gave her un-conditional love. You had to follow conditions(rules)

[@sundeecathey1748]

In my case, younger sister learned from the best her mama!

[@spenney84]

Same here! Have been no contact for 14 years now and my narcissistic parents keep telling me that I need to forgive her. Ha! Even if I forgive her, it by no way means that I’m handing myself back to be abused!

[@leafyveins4985]

I keep feeling waves of grief and shock as I accept this truth

[@mariehughey5390]

My younger sister triangulated my entire family against me, the scape goat. Shunned for years, she ran the narrative of why I was not part of the family. Did I hear from other siblings or my mother to hear my side? No. Not one.

[@nostromois]

Same here. Two older assholes recently got the two younger ones on their side - all boys, all fantasize they are 'bosses' of humans. Nobody asked me ever anything, what I had to endure, how I survived, how the supported my molester and I had to keep away from family - but kept near the young ones out of fear they would go through the same. Now the younger ones too chose the males, they chose what they perceive as 'power'. Nobody asked anything, everyone slanders and mocks me - I am now labeled as 'oversensitive' by the guy who at the age of 10 would abuse a 4 year old, and 'crazy'. Evil mfs

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

Same here ... Triangulation just started to be more like a spiral

[@spacegirl226]

That is one of the things that hurts me the most about family and friends and flying monkeys. NO ONE bothered to hear my side of the story. Even with my ex husband going through our divorce, no one ever asked me what was going on. But it makes sense given how evil his parents were, how evil mine were. These people don't want to hear another perspective. They are so black and white in their thinking. All you can do is hold on to the truth and live your life for yourself. But it's so hard when you want to be able to tell your side -- but then telling your side to people who are just as sick as the person who smeared you. Cut your losses, choose your battles. But it sucks. It sucks so bad.

[@arenee118]

Hugs ❤

[@brian-d-berentsen]

That must feel horribly lonely. She probably only contacted you if she needed money or vanity supply.

[@YTistooannoying]

I was 10 years younger than my sibling. Our mother was single. I remember being 4 years old and my 14 year old sibling telling me that I ruined everything and I should die. She and my other two sibs made fun of or destroyed anything I loved. They tortured me rentlessly. She dislocated my shoulder, used a dog to torture me, would tie me up and hurt me in ways that didn't leave marks, lock me in closets and generally terrorize me. I once told my sibs when I was six that if I had a little sib I wouldn't be so awful to them. They said... you would be just like us. I told them, "no. I will never be like you!" This was a core moment in my life because this was the moment I became a people pleaser, but also I determined that I would never be like them. 30 years later my siblings doesnt remember and the excuse is "i was just a child!" No! You were not! You were 18 when you were torturing and making the life of an 8 year old a living hell and I was the scapegoat. I went no contact 14 years ago. It was a relief.

[@ct9196]

Relate deeply. Sending solidarity.

[@JucHugi]

I’m sure they do remember, and they knew exactly what they were doing.

[@nahomelion]

That I was just a child comment triggers me so much. It is a truly disgusting comment to gaslight us

[@kerrinbadham9599]

We hear you and believe you. I can't believe how cruel they can be. No excuse.

[@jadenelson1087]

I grew up wondering why my sister never liked me and why she treated her friends better, I still suffer with being good enough or being enough

[@Rachel299]

My sister’s best friends were my bullies.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

Ditto my friend

[@Julee-4]

Wow you are so right!!!

[@karenholmes6565]

Yes. I experienced the same. She was never covert about telling me how I did not measure up, how everyone was better than I am.

[@saharalhunaidi2927]

@@Rachel299this so true. My older sister used to be close friends with any person who would bully me. She even became friend with my ex husband’s new wife ( who hates me and trying to hurt me through hurting my children)

[@nerdinium]

Narcissistic siblings learned their craft from the narcissistic parents. They use all the same abusive techniques as the ones used against you. If you are de-repressing yourself after your abusive parents died, the same style of abuse from siblings can hurt a lot more.

[@realhealing7802]

Exactly!

[@sarahkoren7294]

I have heard my 2 sisters use the same abusive words on my that my narcissistic parents used. I am currently, at 67 years of age, working on radical acceptance with my siblings, since our parents have both passed. I am the oldest.

[@LesegoMadisaEllesG]

Without the narcs' destructive teachings sibling abuse would not be possible. At 4 years old my golden child brother who's 8 years older started torturing me and my twin brother. When attention was no longer on him he lost it and the abuse continued for years. He couldn't help but torment us because he became irrelevant for a while.

[@steveshea6148]

Some of them learn it on their own, or perhaps from someone else in the family system like a grandparent who is closely involved in the family, not always from the parents.

[@kristinmeyer489]

When you're only ten months apart, this difference in age doesn't matter. I was the kind one. My sister was not. She brutalized me and lied about me and used me for gain.

[@sarahkoren7294]

Me, too. I am the oldest with 13 months between us. She has always devaluated me, gaslighted me and has absolutely no empathy whatsoever for me.

[@PNW_Mom_Spokane]

Oh my goodness, thank you for sharing! My narc sister is 11 months younger than I am. She wanted so desperately to be the oldest. Also the coolest, prettiest, smartest, and most deserving of our parents’ love. The adults around us dismissed her constant abuse of me as sibling rivalry.

[@Rachel299]

This is my situation too. I am older but she acts exactly as Dr. Ramani describes in this video. She has made my life a living hell.

[@Tiger-dg3cz]

Yes. Scapegoats usually end up homeless from all the garbage.

[@CrazyTimesEh]

Yes, narcissistic siblings can do as much damage as narcissistic parents. I only discovered recently that my much younger sister is a covert narcissist. I learned this firsthand, much to my chagrin. I have had to go no-contact to protect myself from her injurious behavior. So sad 😢

[@cherylcobern4483]

🫤🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻..

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

Hi, I totally hear you. My younger sister is a N and I found that out after much confusion. You're not alone. I'm also gray/yellow-rocking with her for the sake of my daughter and the semblance of peace. Otherwise I cannot stand the behaviours of this sister. She indirectly assumes she's the boss, knows best (not true 😅) and her superficiality and fake smiles while she's always angry inside just drives me up the wall.

[@ArtLoverScotland]

Good Lord! I am afraid my story echoes yours. My younger sister was the golden child, narc parents... but the little darling came along and got everything the rest of us did not. Affection, attention, goodies, cuddles...treats...time! I recently went no contact and was accused it was my behaviour. Never ever did she take responsibility for her own poor and sick behaviour, manipulative, jealous, competitive and talking behind my back to all and sundry. She never emotionally grew up! I and my brother are the black sheep

[@cocosweeti906]

Yes, you all describe my younger sister perfectly! I have been no contact with her for many years now. Whenever there’s a death in the family she attempts being kind and thoughtful but I know it’s BS. Stay strong and in your truth❤

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

We are on the same timeline, just recently I realized that behavior I experience is toxic and narcissistic. Went home and decided to go my way.

[@zoeb-vora]

The worst part is when parents decieve and gaslight the past to show it rosier and happier than it was. Minimizing denying and refusing to attach responsibility and accountability to their actions and asking us to be ok with it.

[@diannecentrella]

I am the family scapegoat. I've gone no contact with all 5 of my siblings. It's been really rough 😢

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

My father, younger (only) sister and ex-husband are narcissists and outside of this circle I don't tell people that because they may assume I'm imagining it.. how could all the people in my family be N? Now I see that I probably stayed married to my N husband because my parents had been N and also encouraged me to stay. I'm thankful to the works of Dr. Ramani (and Lundy Bancroft's book on intimate partner abuse).

[@nostromois]

Exactly same here. They nearly killed my soul, I hope the pain ceases at some point.

[@nostromois]

​@MFTisabelle Lundy Bancroft and Dr. Ramani saved my sanity and probably my life too - I would still be struggling to make them see sense, fight for justice. I would've died struggling and I'd still be slandered and scorned. God the life-force they sucked out of me, God the ingratitude, the brutality, the plain insanity... life eaters, joy killers, harmful for everything about them

[@JohnMusic7]

@Moonflower. I have a narcissistic half-brother. My father and sister never seem to understand me. My narcissistic half-brother has two faces. He can be charming and warm to people but there is also a dark side that he will not show to my sister. Because of that my sister doesn't really believe me when I'm trying to explain my half-brother 's bad behaviour to me. To me, the sad thing about having a narcissistic sibling is how it can also have a bad influence on the relationship with other siblings in the family. I'm glad that there are videos like this.

[@studiogru3649]

I'm the oldest sibling. Both of my siblings exhibit narcissistic traits. My brother would deliberately fall to the ground while screaming I was bullying him, pretending I had hit him, so that my parents would punish me. He laughs about doing so as an adult. My sister controlled every attempt at play, took my belongings from my room without permission (and ran to our parents for them to insist I needed to "share" every time I protested), took credit for my work, and even wore my shoes despite being two sizes larger than me. I'm no-contact with everyone. I grew up feeling excluded and scapegoated, not just because of my parents' neglect and abuse (which veered into horrific at times), but also because my siblings' behavior maximized the damage my parents could inflict while inflicting their own particular brand of awfulness. I'm still struggling to heal from their abuse.

[@annastone5624]

😢😘

[@science1644]

I relate so much to this. For the longest time, I felt so isolated being an older sibling with abusive younger siblings.

[@dr.marnihillfoderaro1064]

YES! Both siblings and parents!

[@sybilizzard4926]

Oh no is that your experience. So sorry about that if it is. Mine is 3 siblings and a parent. I just try to stay away as much as I can. It's the only thing I find that works but I miss my nieces and nephews theyre young and I worry they think I don't care. Truly hard. But that's how it is.

[@dianewi1]

I moved out of my home at 17 due to having a narcissistic, younger sister. I didn’t know she was a narcissist at the time, and over the course of the following decades I gave her a chance after chance after chance and let her be in my life. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve gone contact with her, and one of my biggest regrets in life is letting her back into my life after I left at 17. I wish that mental health counseling were as popular and prevalent in the 70s, but it wasn’t. And so I have suffered for decades, and in my 60s and just now getting help. Such a waste! I’m glad young people these days are more aware.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

I thought I had written this at the start, very similar circumstances. Oldest child & sister of 6,3 boys,3 girls. Youngest sister is the bully,tyrant,judge of the family. Our parents are both dead but the narc took over & came forward to take up their roles. I have gone no contact,do not even want to hear anything about or from her. If you don't agree with everything she thinks says or does, she will zone in on you to destroy you. What a sad,pathetic existance!

[@RonSafreed]

That is true, decades ago, the subject of narcissism was not allowed on the mass media of the day & that is why older folk now are coming into the reality of narcissism & only if it would have been discussed years & decades ago our lives would have been different!!

[@sarahkoren7294]

@joeythebushkangaroo1 Totally agree. My malignant narcissist father died, and my youngest sister, a vulnerable narcissist took over the role.

[@LimitlessThinker]

Identical situation for me. We aren't alone.

[@RonSafreed]

@@LimitlessThinker narcissism, the one mental/personality disorder ignored & yet the emphatic-compassionate folk abused are the ones needing therapy!!

[@gpbarth]

I had one main narcissistic sibling and several flying monkey siblings and I was their target/scapegoat. Until I came to understand narcissistic behavior, I was always puzzled why they all acted the way they did towards me, but when I learned about NPD, everything made sense and taking their treatment of me was no longer personal. I’m sure the fact that I never sought the main narcissistic sibling’s approval must have not helped me gain favor with her at all. When we came to our final falling out, this sibling self-righteously said to me, “I’ve been a great sister to you and you’re going to be sorry you treated me so badly”. It’s been over 25 years and I haven’t been sorry yet about not having a spiteful bully, who played always emotional head games with me, in my life.

[@nostromois]

2/4 of mine are narcs, the other 2/4 are cunts who 'd sell their sister for the approval of the older creeps. It is more than 20 years I had deleted the older ones out but I kept near the kids. Buy the kids grew up to become an identical couple to the older and all plotted to userp my inheritance and implant themselves as bosses on my neck, addicted to having someone they can abuse without repercussions. Demonic shit. I am dumbfounded by life and the universe's plan - is this toxic world only for the prosperity of beasts? Wtf?

[@llpolluxll]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Being the scapegoat of the entire family can be soul destroying. I hope you're doing better

[@SuzyBee-zs9hb]

Translate as “YOU’VE been a great sister to ME and I’M going to be sorry I treated you so badly”… Horrible creatures to have to endure as siblings growing up.

[@gpbarth]

@@llpolluxll Never been better, thank you for your kind comment.

[@princesinha1680]

Sounds similar to my story. One narc sister who turned my flying monkey siblings against me and poisoned the minds of all my siblings (there are 8 of us). I'm the scapegoat and her favorite target because I've never worshipped her like everyone else. I had no problem walking away.

[@harrietharding]

You just told my story. I always gave my sister the "benefit of the doubt" because she was diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder. I'll be 70 next month and have only realized in the last year or so that she was an abusive Narcissist.

[@RonSafreed]

We older baby-boomers were in the dark about narcissism because it was kept hidden from us & the entities who hid it from us were, evil-evil-evil-evil, to keep us ignorant & in misery, not knowing why??

[@mariagorettij2308]

They ultimately do suffer mental illness colluding with the devil

[@BonnieJean4578]

I gave my sister, 10 years younger "the benefit of the doubt" for 40 years. Being the older sister, I always tried to help her out, take her kids places to give her a break, give her money, (not loans because I would have never would have got it back), but that I figured was okay, since I could afford too. When I realized she had nicer things than I had, I discovered I was not the only one giving her money, I smelled a rat. In my late 60's her "sugar daddy" came to visit me and told me she had addictions and listed them. She ruined him financially and told me that she "did not have my best interests in mind." It shook me to my core. I distanced myself, over the next few years. Then she tried to triangulate me into "fixing" her daughter, who lives with her father. I am so done. Went no contact last month and blocked her. Sad. I miss my little sister and her kids, but my mental health, in my mid 70's is more important.

[@thomasdoyle9748]

Very familiar.

[@humbleheart1000]

Narcissism runs in my family both of my parents, my uncles and aunts, some cousins, and my siblings. Talk about a lot of drama my entire life that’s why I choose to be a hermit and alone as much as possible.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

It's very hard to feel that isolated esp. if you also felt scapegoated and/or ganged up on. The N behavior was probably just normalized in your family of origin (and their parents) and no one questioned it so it just stayed. My father and sister are N and my mildly N mom has passed away. I have no other siblings.

[@nadinetoppin9015]

I'm so isolated that it's become difficult to maintain other relationships even if it's healthy

[@j.1658]

Dr. Ramani! I have been waiting a life of 63 years for someone, anyone to understand this abuse. I can’t seem to shake it no matter how hard I have tried. Now I find myself in the middle of a horrific estate battle. She has reaped from the estate and I am paying out of pocket to survive. It has changed my entire world. At least somebody GETS IT! Thank you….

[@l.c838]

God bless you. Keep strong ❤

[@EcoSailor]

@@j.1658 you are not alone. Stay strong and protect yourself as much as you can. ❤

[@ceilconstante640]

ALL 3 of my siblings are Narscissts! I'm the youngest girl in the higherarchey of an old world Italian family. My saving grace was always having a little dog and growing up near a forest. My Mom got mad if I said anything and blamed me. My Dad, although a sensitive guy didn't get involved with our fights. Oldest sister started abusing me when I was 5. She was mom's little buddy and I was treated as a servant. The abuse got worse as I matured and became attractive but my sister convinced me i was ugly and worthless. When my mom fell and needed some to be with her 24/7. I was expected to walk away from my life even though i had serious health issues myself. I've learned years of intense stress from emotional abuse contributes to autoimmune illnesses. Mom died. I got stuck at her house (no money and sick). Older Brother promised to give me money to get an apartment. I couldn't find anything immediately so he told me to put everything in storage then search. Thsn he said live in your car. Horrible people!

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

Much love to you and lots of good energy 🙏🏼🤍 Maybe there are some nice people close to you that can help. There are angels around us, maybe you start by saying I need some help in a specific situation. Some opportunities are much closer as we so often think.

[@lisahill182]

I totally relate to everything in the middle paragraph. I know that the few words we're able to write, don't even begin to include or describe the sheer hell that any of us have endured and still carry, picking up the pieces of our broken selves, trying to figure out where they go, and all while we're completely exhausted - physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually, it's all utterly overwhelming. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and pray you find a safe place to live, find peace of soul and heal, and that you can have relationships with warm and caring people to love and support you, in return, as you deserve.

[@HeidiKovacs]

I

[@dawnhunter2558]

OMG bless that woman, I've been dying for more people to talk about the sibling issue.

[@Ellen-Seeker-of-Truth]

Ditto.. this validates so much for me ❤🙏

[@jozette-pierce]

It needs discussing.❤💯✔

[@Kupolini]

I’m 43 now and my sister is 36. When we were kids she used to make up stories i hit her and what not…i never hit a person in my life…i thought well that’s a kids thing, it will pass when one grows up….well…it never did. I protect myself by keeping a certain distance now. That seems to be working, but it’s really sad it’s very unlikely to ever have a deep brother/sister band. I’m not perfect either by the way, i suffer from ADD and anxiety, but trying to be good to other people has been very important to me. I never knew what narcissism was until 3 years ago…then i watched probably 100’s of hours of video on it, and it helped me gain insights of things i questioned all my life and finally got answers on…. The answers were not fun, but the insights on how to deal with certain personalities in the future is worth everything. Thanks Dr. Ramani!

[@templehansen6072]

My older brother is a grandiose narcissist and golden child. The physical, mental and emotional abuse was horrible. Growing up being abused and the scapegoat has left its mark.

[@JohnMusic7]

I have a narcissistic half-brother. My father and he didn't bond well but later (when we were teens) it became better. My half-brother saw me as a threat. He seemed obsessed with my father's validation. Whenever I did something well (school grades, having a girlfriend, etc...) he tried to sabotage things or frame things in such a way that my father's perception of things I had prestated were to be viewed in a negative way. My half-brother also became depressed and angry when something good happened to me. Can you relate to this?

[@CR-ip1il]

I understand your pain.

[@maliharahman1997]

Yup. A narcissist sibling can do harm more than narcissistic parents. I have experience and the way I got destroyed by my sibling. I still can't get out of my depression.

[@daykibaran9668]

Would have assumed the same, that the sibling is much more worse. I’m “just” the grandchild and niece of narcissists, but I know the structure, my mom is the scapegoat, and last ten years she also got the truth teller

[@maliharahman1997]

@@daykibaran9668 I am so sorry you and your mom have to go through that. I hope you, me and we all can get out of this abuse and heal ourselves. I have experienced this abuse since childhood and my breaking point was back in 2020 when I self harmed myself just to escape from my sibling's abuse. Since then, I feel like I am living like dead, I have no motivation, my life is stuck and I wanna leave the earth soon.

[@daykibaran9668]

@@maliharahman1997 my grandmother died last year in march, my mom, me and my sister broke contact about 10 years ago, to the rest of the family, I’m pretty sure that my mom had the worst from this behavior, because me and my sister didn’t see my grandma and aunt that often.

[@daykibaran9668]

@@maliharahman1997 don’t think so, I would recommend that you go to a psychologist/psychiatrist or whatever is the best for healing, and yourself, and someone who knows what narcissists are

[@daykibaran9668]

@@maliharahman1997 feel hugged, I’m sure there are people(also if it’s just is in this comment section) who are there for you, and want you to feel better

[@realhealing7802]

The narcissistic sibling became my worst abuser! I had to go no contact to save my mental and physical health. These toxic family systems don't change.

[@robinantonio8870]

Yes. When the golden child doesn't respond when you tell her what the narc parent does to you, clearly doesn't care. When the narc siblings are enabled by the narc parent in their abuse of you... in a way they are worse than the parent. The golden child can see the abuse by the narc parent, the narc parent can see the abuse from the golden child to the victim, and both should be able to imagine how bad this is, but does not care.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

I used to consider my younger sister as a friend and confidante but I was very confused when every time (as adults) I brought up a painful event from the past she'd deny it or explain it away. I felt angry inside that she denied all these experiences. Later I realized that she was a blossoming narcissist.

[@sundeecathey1748]

Exactly! My psychopath golden child younger sister tells me that growing up she saw that I was treated like shit and recently told the mother the same. Of course she learned from her mother and also for many years treated me horrible until I removed myself from them both. I just thought her confession after all these years was so interesting.

[@aidabikain2863]

Abusive siblings are consented by the narc Mother. No kind of abuse is possible if Mother does not allow it. 63 yo and I Just realised that! Thanks, Dr. Your help is life for me❤

[@darlenealessio7609]

And in the end the adoration they gave to their golden children will not be reciprocated and the parents will suffer abuse as well, i from their golden child, as they are gratefull for what their scapegoat does and embodies kindness and multitasking their needs their golden child will move in and conquer, like a tornado at the weakest point in their life, they ate left to buy what ever forms of peace they can, it will.never be enough. That is the most telling of all the length this narc cycle goes. And in the end its about ultimate control and securing all material possessions the narc and his den are conditioned to feel entitled to.in reality who would want to be the narc child the golden child the price is too high

[@darlenealessio7609]

@@MyFrenchTeacher1 they dance we do will ultimately wear us down as we age as it did our parents as we watched the tables turn on them by their golden child narc, my uncle said it best "They created the monster now they must live with it "

[@solasolar1]

I'm so traumatized my my narsasistic brother I nearly teared up when I saw the title. He controlled our mom. Controlled her will. And then made me spend $50k so far to try and get my inheritance. He basically stole most of it from me and blamed me for it because I hired a lawyer two years into probate with no end in sight and discovered his illegal activities. I can't afford this. It's been the most traumatizing situation in my entire life. And he's basically the only family I have left. He could care less.

[@l.5832]

Where I live in Canada a parent cannot arbitrarily disinherit you. My sister coerced my mother in to disinheriting me thereby also removing from me anything from my fathers estate because he willed to mom (My father loved me and at the time he made his will, mom's will was to divide assets equally) Anyway, I avoided court by talking to my sister's lawyer on the phone and told him about the abuse in the family that I will bring up in court. Also, I had evidence my sister had financially emotionally and physically abused our mother. He pretty much begged me not to go to court and I got a pretty big cheque. I have gone no contact.

[@minoozolala]

I’m very sorry that you’re going through this. I had to get a lawyer too, which was a “bad” thing to do in my extended family. My parents were beautiful kind people but my brother is a sociopath. A very successful one with a great career and broad community respect. My parents were duped into making him sole POA and Executor of the Estate. The only thing that kept him from forcing my father to change his Will to cut me out was Covid and the resultant lockdown in care homes. But without my lawyer he still would have stolen my inheritance. The stress was unbelievable the last two years of my father’s life. My brother kept slandering me to my dear father and trying to block all my communication with him. He poisoned all the nurses in the care home against me and blocked me from all medical information. The last months of my father’s life he blocked one of our father’s most important Parkinson’s meds - so he couldn’t sleep well and had hallucinations. My brother wanted our father dead so he could get the money. The whole thing shocked and stressed me so much I had PTSD for a year after everything was over. I put out $20,000 just for my lawyer to keep my brother semi under control with legal threats. My brother turned my entire extended family against me and I lost all my nephews and nieces and their children as well as everyone else. Of course I went no contact with my brother and his equally horrible wife. You’re right, they don’t care and in fact enjoy hurting you. I wish you the very best and hope your lawyer succeeds in getting your inheritance.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

He is not real family. He is like a flea or head lice. Also they ate so so stingy and so many like to take more than what is theirs etc.

[@ellinorglorioso2247]

He is not family, he is a toxic waste pulling you down.He will not change. It all depends on how much the estate is worth. Re-negociate your legal agreement to pay your lawyer from the estate when the case is completed. Don't let your lawyer drag it out. Get another lawyers opinion that doesn't know your lawyer. Godspeed.

[@OddJaxx900]

Absolutely!! My father is a malignant narcissist and somehow both of my brothers wound up being worse than him! They are absolute monsters!!!!!!!

[@RonSafreed]

Are those brother married with kids?? Betcha the spouse & kids are abused b them!!

[@OddJaxx900]

​@@RonSafreedMy oldest brother abused every woman that he's ever been with. Both of my brothers have been neglectful parents.

[@lynylcullen8370]

& the influence the narc sibling’s “entitlement” to have the complete say over decisions about elderly care of parents & yet not lift one finger of the actual the work. Plus you are spot on about the entitlement in matters of the estate and disposition of assets. Ridiculous and unbelievably painful

[@eleniansley]

Absolutely this 👆🏼👆🏼re elderly care! 😢

[@oldcrone]

Yes. I saw the light when Mom died. Now my sister is after my assets. Relentless manipulation and self entitlement.

[@catherinesturdy2799]

I'm going through this now

[@lynylcullen8370]

@@oldcrone - SAME! It’s obscene and still mostly “UNBELIEVABLE” & TRUE! (Both At the same time!)

[@jodycasey6936]

I am no contact with my sister going on years. My dad had the sheriff remove me from the home on Fathers Day 2020. I was not allowed back. Then less than 2 weeks later he had my sister come over and then take my cat to the vet and he had my cat put down. But he wasn’t there. He had my sister do it. My cat was old, but she was under the care of the vet and me I was less than 5 miles away from the house and I had $5000 in my savings account. but my sister is the one who held my cat while she was put down. There is absolutely zero love lost between me and my sister and I’m a better person with her out of my life. 😢 Thank you Dr. Ramani Moral of the story is, do not confront a narcissist .

[@Peaceinmytime]

I’m so sorry that this happened to you and your cat.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

I'm sorry to hear that. Been there, very similar situations. I hear you.

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

Much love to you 🤗🙏🏼🤍

[@spacegirl226]

I am so sorry about your cat! I had a similar story. Messing with somebody's pets is no joke. After my parents divorced, I spent more time with my father because he didn't want to be a dad when I needed him growing up. And as a 20something my dad wanted me to see how cool he was now that he wasn't burdened with his family (that he chose to start). He and I decided to go out of town for the weekend. At that time I was going to university full time and working three part time jobs. I also had my first ever boyfriend. My mother did everything she could to destroy me because my father left and abandoned us -- because of her and her constant screaming and tantrums and constant MISERY in the house. While I was gone with my dad for the weekend, my mother took both of my cats to the pound. One cat was mine, the other belonged to my golden child brother who decided not to take care of his anymore. That was okay for my brother to do, but me being incredibly busy and trying to have a life was not okay for me. She loaded up my cats AND MY BROTHER and took them to the pound while I was gone and couldn't do anything about it. She thought this was acceptable behavior. My brother eventually called me and told me what they'd done, though I don't recall any malice or joy in his voice when he told me. So first thing Monday morning when I was supposed to be at school, I was going all around town trying to find my cats. My cat I was never able to locate, though I did find my brother's cat. When I saw her at the local pet store, she was so terrified and went nuts when she saw me come up to the cage. I remember petting her through the bars with tears streaming down my face. I had to adopt my own cat. After that, I was inconsolable. I ended up moving out of the house with my mother and my brother and in with my father. My mother has never apologized for what she did. In fact, when I brought it up not that long ago, she'd COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN she did it. She forgot seeing me screaming and crying about how she hurt me and how unfair she was and why did my brother get away with abandoning and neglecting his cat but because I was too busy trying to have a life she punished me instead. Any parent who can see their child in pain and anguish because of the parent's actions and not feel a single thing -- demonic. Utterly demonic. I had that kitty for 14 years. They were 14 shitty years, but that cat was the best thing in my life. I miss her so much. I hope you got another kitty and were able to give it a lot of love and affection and that you had a good little friend. No contact will come for all of them at some point. I'm glad you were able to go no contact and have a better life away from those nasty people. I am very sorry you experienced a deadbeat sister. Everyone in my family is a deadbeat. Every last one.

[@brian-d-berentsen]

Clearly, they will go to great links to 'get rid of you for good'.

[@syedafatima8119]

Among my earliest memories is that of my older sister's bullying. Even at that young age, she could spout venom at me. I would get shocked into silence. Her abuse was sometimes physical and sometimes mental. It was always about how superior she was, how much better than me and how pathetic and insignificant I was. My narcissistic mother protected her from punishment so it was bad on both sides. I'm in my 40s now. I always knew my sister was horrible and abnormal. In my late 20s, I began to realize that my mother was another version of her. My mother let this happen to me. So did my father and my other siblings, even though they weren't narcissistic themselves. They all set me up for the scapegoat role and either watched in silence or were part of the abuse myself. When I went for therapy, my counselor told me that I was a very resilient person and was somehow normal, despite having all this happen to me at such a tender age. I promise myself that I will undo every damage my sick family did to me. I keep them at a distance now.

[@Hope4MyChildren]

Thank you ❤ you un-crazy so many people, I hope you know how meaningful your contribution to the world is!

[@Bibcnslr]

Hi, it's me. 👋 It's a devastating family dynamic. There's no peace or joy and a profound sense of isolation and alienation. Praise God I see it and can keep my distance.

[@oldcrone]

Right! No peace!

[@DiDiSpy]

Where trust can’t be laid as a foundation, there can be no transparency in the connection. In my situation my SIL has been the driving force in my choice to isolate from my in-laws. I decided a long time ago - I matter! And I was not going to be treated “less than” by her. As is my husband. He cowers to the dysfunctional dynamics they have. It what he knows and the role he plays- scapegoat. By removing myself, I can’t be set up, scapegoated. I don’t ever see myself able to connect. Because if this is family, I’m ALL good!

[@Lisa-nt7wt]

I think my entire family is narcissistic. That's just great.

[@artforsoul2]

Yes! The most harm was from an older sibling.

[@lisakochis4605]

I’m nine years older than my sister. Our father was an abusive alcoholic. Our mother had narcissistic tendencies and seemed to be resentful and neglectful of motherhood. I have had high levels of empathy since I was very young. In the early years, I protected my baby sister during the abuse. But she learned by 3, how to manipulate our parents and often falsely blamed me for fabricated events. I became the family scapegoat and even more so as I grew into adulthood and became more outspoken against all the abusive behaviors which caused me to be the black sheep. At 56, I realized that my sister was a covert narcissist and I was her biggest victim and went no contact. The irony that I started out life as her protector and she became my abuser. And at 60 I connected more dots to help understand my CPTSD when I recognized the damage done being the family scapegoat as well. I’ve recently been validated by a few cousins who watched it all play out in front of them.

[@seektruth983]

Yes need more on siblings please. Sometimes it’s a blend of narcissism/bpd hard to decipher

[@thompsonlauren1004]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective [e-mail] for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@wandaandre2341]

Funny how they don’t remember evil acts they did but have a good memory for everything else.

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

🔥🔥"you become the problem, for recognising the real problem" Dr R 🎯

[@StormyTuesday5108]

I am over the grief and the toxic drama

[@itscrystalbill]

I've had to go no contact with my narcissistic sister who carelessly destroyed my soul and continued her life as if nothing happened. I'm still dealing with this & it's made worse by my parents enabling her behaviour. The hardest part is not having a relationship with my niece & nephew, they don't know how much I love them. 💔 11:10 advice or link to previous vids about attending events because I've been forced to spend holidays alone & I have to change this, I'm missing out on a lot with other family members.

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

Your sanity comes first. Many a time have I contacted my N family members out of compassion or for the sake of a Holiday etc. only to end up crying and stressed for days to come.

[@aynilaa]

I have narcissistic parents and a narcissistic sister, who's been even worse than them.

[@UncleDave74]

Same

[@terrid.9204]

My husband has been dead for 8 years and his nasty narcissist younger brother is still jealous of him and has tried to attach himself to whatever my husband left me and has come very close to destroying me to do it.

[@camelotenglishtuition6394]

Narcissists wet the bed and blame the sheets. Identify then block and delete from your life.

[@sarahjane4908]

You know if it’s not a kids fault if they wet the bed right? My parents were actually quite abusive to my brother regarding this.

[@appaloosa42]

Husband of 52 years is the older identical twin of a classic narcussist, only children of a narcissistic mother:. Dr. Ramani I could write a book! EVERYTHING you have said has application. Including the cultural influence, and generational narcissism at family gatherings! Thank you for being one of the people who have given me back to myself.

[@ScarlettRose7221]

I recently saw the light after six decades of confused and blind adoration. Unreal what he has done to me, the scapegoat , and my family. I despise the man.

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

I think so many are heard here ... You pushed a button ... the right button to understanding and healing

[@LammyHowl]

My younger narc sibling has hated me since birth and has never let me forget it. Made my childhood miserable. Living in an unsafe place with a smiling monster of a person that only I could see did real damage to my health and my relationship with my parents. Not the same as having a narcissistic parent, but no less harmful.

[@pfeen8203]

I’ve been listening to you since 2020, when I realized what narcissism & psychopathy is. I slowly learned my brother who I inherited a family business with in 2009 after our mom passed, was being abusive, manipulating & gaslighting me my entire life. I was always playing an 😂 un winnable game going in circles, working harder and harder, doing more and more pushing and pushing, blaming myself for not finding a way. Then finally in 2017-2018 I started to find success within the business and suddenly it was like I no longer existed like a snap of the fingers and I’ve spent 3-6 years trying to find answers and closure to things that happened and were happening. I finally did, thank you dr Ramani, I’ve learned radical acceptance and never to beat myself up again ❤

[@PatriciaMcCann-or7co]

I felt so much guilt for not grieving for my sister when she died from cancer. All I felt was relief. She died at end of December. Now, I know, she caused me so much pain, that I am happy that she’s gone. And I no longer feel any guilt.

[@artsydoll888]

I think they can. I also appreciate the lady in the lobby asking u to bring more awareness to it. It can be extremely lonely and isolating because like the parents narc siblings can and will do smear campaigning to turn othere including other diblings against you.

[@lisalupo94]

Once my narcissistic father passed away, my narcissistic sister and my family all disowned me. She has been and continues to be simply evil…Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do. If you have time, a longer episode on this would be wonderful.❤️

[@satorarepo744]

I called my siblings the Batman and Robin of personal invalidation. They took turns, one would do wrong, and the other would gaslight to cover for them. They they would swap. Got a great deal worse after we lost our parents. To this day it has not stopped. I am years into no contact and moving on with life.

[@nostromois]

In my case the firstborn is the psycho N and the No2 is his slut, backing up what the first claimed - another costume of them two fighting of who is more of a man, the real 'boss'. What sadistic immoral assholes

[@DeirdreBoyle-pd6xx]

I have a narcissist older sister. It was just the two of us. Narcissistic parents as well, it was brutal. My father passed away last year. She put him in a nursing home, sold his house and took over his estate. After my mother passed away 20 years ago, I solely took care of my father. She would visit once a year. She is a bully. She has spread lies about me to our entire extended family. She and her husband bought a house with my father’s money. I am a beneficiary also.. she wont answer me and now I have to go to court. What a disgrace. My parents would be disgusted.

[@TheShadyGarden333]

Grief that says it all !

[@ltaylor5455]

My Dad used to tell me "You know how your sister is, she's not going to change so it is what it is". He was an egomaniac and a narcicst also. The apple rarely falls from from the tree.

[@rfm6918]

Thanks for this discussion. Parents & siblings damage you long before a spouse can but is overlooked.

[@nowthenzen]

My father was a narcissist, my mother had BPD. They stayed married long enough to have a couple of kids until the supply she gave him was not enough. My older, narcissist, brother was my chief abuser. I went decades with no contact with any of them.

[@vickiegroome3220]

The very first time I asked my younger sibling (22 mos age difference) if he could take me to the drug store to pick up my seizure drugs he said " I don't have time for you, I've got a date". Things haven't changed in 50 years. He is still manipulative and holds himself in high regard.

[@kmoon50]

FINALLY..... the issue of SIBLING abuse is being talked about... I have been asking Dr. R.. to talk about this for a while.. The idea of "sibling" abuse has been, i think... a bit of a taboo... Only reason i can think of for why it has not been in the forefront equally to relationships and parents Narcissisim.. xo

[@cheeksmcgill9858]

Thank you, This is not addressed enough and you did it. Thank you a million times over. My younger Golden Child, Male sibling started exhibiting Dark Triad behaviors that include threats of violence. "No contact," has worked for 5 years along with a Police Report and 1,200 miles of distance. And yes, I AM the one taking care of our 92 year old Narcissistic Mother. I sometimes wonder if he behaved this way because he didn't want the responsibility of her and he stole a substantial amount of money from her.

[@MsMaureen1975]

My brothers narcissism almost ruined my life, especially when I became our late mothers caregiver. Your comments about that type of situation were so accurate. Good luck to anyone in that situation, be careful and look out for yourself. Don’t let them gaslight you.

[@inas1065]

My sister was the golden child, I was the scapegoat. I feel like a narcissistic parent (our father in this case) literally trains the golden child to think less of the scapegoat and to mistreat them. It's like an indoctrination. She's not nice to other ppl but she's not nearly as cruel to others as she is to me

[@MyFrenchTeacher1]

...or at least they excuse the abuse when it happens. It was funny in my family. Even though I was not a narcissist I was the older sibling and chosen as the golden child but it made me very uncomfortable and I gradually distanced myself from the family then my younger sister happily took on the role and became my gaslighter and emotional betrayer.

[@CeriSnow-un7jn]

Same with me. When my father died when I was 14, she picked up the abuse baton, with my mother switching to HER flying monkey. Her favorite line was "I remember life without you, and it was great!".

[@CeriSnow-un7jn]

@@inas1065 I hadn't thought of it that way, but you are spot on!

[@lucidity_world]

Can I ask a follow up question? It sounds like your sibling was not nice to you but they were also not nice to others although less so. Sometimes I think that of all the dysfunctional siblings who were raised by dysfunctional parents, one of which was a covert narcissist in my case, maybe my little sister, the golden child, actually is not as bad now as I remembered her to be growing up. I was the scapegoat. It's strange as I actually don't have many memories of her at all. I don't really know her - something that surprised me when I came to think about it. As an adult I have had the opportunity to meet her a handful of times with her friends. It really struck me how different she was with them and how close her friends were with her. She seemed like a lovely person, like a normal person who laughed, chatted, and was friendly. I know that her relationship to me is nothing like that and she has accused me of the worst things even compared to my narcissist parent, so I get we have a barrier between us that is real and warranted. However, I wonder sometimes, is she actually fine with most other people and it really is just me who has these psychological issues with my family? Can a goldenchild grow up to be relatively unscathed compared to the scapegoated sibling? Is this just in my mind - I suspect it is...

[@inas1065]

​@@lucidity_world It could be an act, maybe the sweet, friendly, chatty person isn't her at all 🫠 But all disfuncional families are different 🥹 so maybe some of the golden children are happier than the scapegoats but imo it's highly unlikely that they're completely well adjusted adults My sister is usually described as cold by other ppl and while I did catch her being openly mean to someone who isn't me once - only once (to MY friend, not hers), deliberately saying homophobic things knowing he's gay (and then calling him "too sensitive" when he responded to her offensive remarks, ofc 🙄) she's truly vicious when she talks to me or about me and you can hear the resentment in her voice, she puts more passion into hurting me

[@rfoley402]

There are six of us in my family. Four are narcs. I would walk away from them all if I could. Radical acceptance.

[@333garland]

In my fifties, I’m still dealing with the fallout from my elder sibling’s emotional and physical abuse. Scenarios from when I was young haunt me on a daily basis. As a kid I did my best to deal with it, tried talking to my parents but was never taken seriously. I’m only now able to really face the pain and acknowledge how badly it affected me and the terrible influence the abuse from my sibling and the neglect from my parents had on my life.

[@CharlesBukowski-m1o]

Oh, they're even worse! Before I watched this video, I must say, my parents never would have been at me as much as they would have been in their late days without the hateful sibling. Their precious GOLDEN CHILD that I will never talk to again! It took me until my 40s to figure out what was going on but at 51 I am gladly NO CONTACT with all 3 EX-siblings

[@ConqueredSun]

In my experience, society is starting to recognize that bad parents exist and adults who had cruel, abusive parents can distance or cut themselves off from them. In contrast, if you have a bad relationship with a sibling, it's more socially acceptable for people to tell you that you need to accept your sibling, turn the other cheek, let their abuse roll off you, etc.

[@RonSafreed]

Decades ago, the subject of narcissism was not allowed in the general media of the day like on tv, radio & print media & seems like books on it were published but restricted & all my young & middle-age life never heard about it, now in my elder years I hear about it!!

[@lisazolla]

Again you are spot on. In my personal experience, it is worse because the parents actually condone the narcissistic sibling’s actions or at least deny the harm it causes. Especially in a situation where the sibling is older. My family joked about how my brother didn’t like me because I was born and my family accepted the meanness because, well I don’t know why but it was a double whammy for me!

[@bekind7913]

Please continue these discussions. I need to know more on how to deal with my adult brother’s gaslighting and constant invalidation.

[@spacegirl226]

The best thing you can do is realize that your brother is sick and his abuse isn't about you -- don't take it personally. That's almost impossible when the abuse feels so very personal. And the second best thing you can do is get away from your brother if at all possible. If you can't get away, then gray rock as much as you can, go low contact, and keep your power to yourself. The third best thing: therapy. Best wishes to you.

[@bekind7913]

@@spacegirl226 Thank you for validating me. Since our mother’s death it has been much easier to distance myself because I am of no use to him now. He had all of the power, and I was subjected to a lot of mental abuse so that I could see her, but in the end, he kept me away from her deathbed. Somehow I have been able to drop that pain and move on. Therapy certainly helped.

[@NicolewithouttheH]

My older brother is 5 years older than me and he used to complain about how he had to share our parents with me once I was born. I remember thinking as a small child that he should be happy he had five years of them all to himself, because I will never experience having their undivided attention. The older I got the more physically abusive he became and now he lives several states away. It is shocking to me how quiet and peaceful family holidays are without him here.