When narcissists are HORRIBLE to others and NICE to you

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@victorgonzalez2499]

How you see them treating others, is how they’ll treat you in the future

[@SunRebeLionShah]

I dont think like that, becus I feel like people around a narcissist do something and push the narcissist button, so all the people dont do the same thing that push them button, I mean is different I guess and the level of the rage is also depends on how that person actions are aligned with their words. They are very highly sensitive to that.

[@maxinehurley8824]

I had that thought very early, sadly I ignored it...

[@SovereignStatesman]

"Whatsoever you do to the least of these, that you do unto me."

[@user85937]

If they are horrible to other people, it's only a matter of time before you will be treated the same, I learned that the hard way.

[@MissPriss919]

Facts!

[@mpacino1224]

Same.

[@YIE63248]

I learned it the hard way too.

[@christicarver1581]

This was my first big red flag with my first husband. Seeing how he treated and talked to his friends it made me feel like I didn’t know who he was and felt all trust dissipate. I left that marriage rather quickly. I knew the horrid behavior was going to be my future if I didn’t.

[@christinelamb1167]

Wow, that's good that you got out before it got bad! It is important to not only see the red flags, but to heed them as well. There's a real disconnect when we see someone act one way towards us, but another way towards others. It is indeed a big red flag!

[@dianatenney7821]

That was my long marriage I did see the red flag and asked him why he thought he could talk and act that way, always the same answer, I don't care what people think, I had to leave after he promised to go to counselling that I set it up, the day we were suppose to go he was a no show up, I lost any trust after that for sure.

[@IamStreber]

Very smart 😊

[@sushmayen]

It's cringe when they treat you good because it's so fake. Their behavior has an agenda

[@christinelamb1167]

Always an agenda! They're never nice just to be nice. There's always a reason, something they are hoping to get out of it.

[@mr.vargas5648]

They are the same with their pets. They treat them nice and you they treat like yesterdays garbage.

[@march24-lp4pv]

I know it's almost like they don't think you can see right through them, maybe they think they're that good.. Who knows!

[@Emefur1]

Fake. That’s the word.

[@LoriPARK1111-u1b]

HELP! Please read my comment above.

[@NarcSurvivor]

They will treat their nearest and dearest the worst. Because you’re with them everyday. They can’t keep their mask up for that long. So you see who they really are. There’s no point in them putting on a mask for you.

[@microdosenyc4515]

My kid deals with this. And puts them in an awful position. I found myself apologizing to my kid after they recieved a threatening text from my mother …. At this point my kid (who is 18) says “Ima just look at grandma like a poorly written character in a family drama, It’s not personal, it’s just the way she was written.”

[@redlikewineagain697]

wow...that's really impressive that your kid said that. Truly.

[@genevalawrence801]

Your kid is insightful.

[@cc1k435]

😂 That does help with depersonalization. ❤

[@LoriPARK1111-u1b]

Please read my comment 👆 above. HELP!

[@N1S4444]

Sounds like you helped give your kid a very healthy world view! Bravo to the both of you 😊

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Fact: narcissist don't REALLY like you. You just serve his fantasies better at that moment.

[@SovereignStatesman]

Or they're working on you to gain your trust to serve their purpose. EVERYTHING that has transpired, has done so according to their designs.

[@RodneyMartel]

This is a " bait and switch" scenario. Where an individual will be harsh towards other people. Yet place you on a pedestal. This is a form of inconsistent behavior ( red flag). What that person does towards others, will eventually be done to you.

[@SunRebeLionShah]

This is not only what narcissist do! Psychopaths and other psyco people also do :))

[@CP-pe9ul]

I've seen this scenario play out many times. The "favoured" one would be well advised to be aware that "your turn" WILL come!

[@MARANATHA-AMEN]

Sometimes the favored one are merely being groomed into flying monkey status.

[@mpacino1224]

Mine came and it's horrendous. I didn't even want the praise. It made me uncomfortable. I used to say this to my sister, I hope my turn doesn't come it will be devastating.

[@march24-lp4pv]

What's crazy to me is a narcissist will almost make their life worse just to get one up on an empath, even if they depend on you for most of their day to day needs. It's all crazy to me .

[@dakoderii4221]

James 1:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. Proverbs 17:12 Let a bear robbed of her whelps meet a man, rather than a fool in his folly.

[@ardent9422]

They're preparing you for what's to come, seeing if you'll be ok with their rage or if you'll leave, if you stay then they might see you as easy to dupe and a prime form of supply.

[@NarcissistExpose]

Narcissists may exhibit a stark contrast in behavior, being cruel to others while appearing exceptionally kind to you. This manipulative tactic, known as splitting, seeks to foster dependency and admiration, reinforcing their self-esteem through selective treatment. It is essential to recognize the pattern and remain vigilant about potential manipulation.

[@Lizapendleton]

Be afraid! It's your turn next

[@ai172]

Meanwhile, when narcissists are nice to others but horrible to us😑😪😡

[@SunRebeLionShah]

Lol this is more imaginable

[@wildhorses6817]

​@@SunRebeLionShah I lived this

[@amarisfrede2]

It's always an act with an agenda and had nothing to do with you! You did nothing to deserve the mistreatment, they just felt safer abusing you because you are kind.

[@vetiverose128]

That's actually worse bc no one will believe you when u actually confront and expose the narcissist. It's a very isolating experience.

[@blakematthews9608]

If they're nice to you, a) just you wait, or b) they may be talking a lot of smack about you behind your back.

[@cymbolichuman433]

Yes you know so many people live like this.

[@nathalietremblay686]

If a narcissists is nice with you, there is a catch somewhere... they do it for a reason, they need something from you or they just bait you to destroy you after.

[@redlikewineagain697]

I have learned that with these types of narcissists, it's better to remain as mere acquaintances because once they get where they want with you and feel comfortable, they start to treat you poorly. This gets tricky when it's family or your boss. What I have done is keep them at arm's length and I do not get personal with them or share personal things with them. I am all business with them and smile very little when interacting with them. I say this because I am a person who laughs and smiles a lot , and so it's a conscious effort for me to not be that way when interacting with them. And I have to also add that it's very exhausting because I have to be someone that I truly am not naturally.....but it works...for the most part. Thanks, Dr. Ramani, for discussing this very specific phenomenon with narcissists.

[@march24-lp4pv]

I'm an idiot, I saw my narcissist treat other people lousy before I got involved I just thought I was somehow different.

[@lynnebucher6537]

We didn't know what we didn't know. I made the same mistake.

[@ross3626]

Yep, this happened to me and I knew what I was getting into, and when it started happening to me I still got upset!

[@a.b.2850]

Wasn’t “being different” than the ‘other peasants’, something somehow valued in your family, as a kid? My attraction for such men comes from this. I was taught to see value in ‘lone wolves’, those good ones that have - rigidly according to them - ‘integrity’, ‘principles’ and ‘morals’, and all the others are complete trash. The dissonance is real!

[@kryssysmith1486]

I grew up in a narcissistic family system, so this was a mantra during my upbringing. The people that brought me up, would make my blood boil merely because they were nice to everybody else, whether it was within the family or in public, but they would always treat me poorly. I never understood it, nor do I want to, because at this point, it's done and dusted.

[@americaprepping]

Done and dusted! I like that.

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@americaprepping You're welcome 😃😃😃😃

[@erinward2983]

Yes 😊

[@Icemario87]

literally the inverse of the content in the video. but I'm glad you escaped.

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@Icemario87 Perhaps, however, Iwas going off of a comment that she had made during the video.

[@jokendrick2124]

Guess I drew the short straw. My late husband was a charmer and generous with his time and lending an ear with everyone But Me..... It was weird to watch and process. Certainly never got used to it.

[@babydollmybch]

Great video. It is very shocking when this happens and makes you feel unsafe mentally and emotionally.

[@ParadiseLoading]

I saw this. I witnessed my ex being verbally and physically abused by his mom, and in her next breath, treated me like a princess. It made my stomach churn. Both of them were narcissists but she was on a whole other level!

[@yuu_miran]

She wanted him to hate you?

[@ParadiseLoading]

@@yuu_miran she wanted to assert her dominance and emmasculate him using me as a pawn. I don't know if she was even concerned about the outcome

[@maryshkamiceli8388]

I found it to be the opposite. Charisma and "kindness" to others and disrespectful to the person they should not be. Reminds of a Mills Brothers song. "You always hurt the one you love The one you shouldn't hurt at all You always take the sweetest rose And crush it till the petals fall You always break the kindest heart With a hasty word you can't recall"

[@darcyroyce]

Charisma, right..! Many folks cannot differentiate between charisma and arrogance.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

That was my Dad's song. He was always saying that as a mantra. Horrible mantra.

[@maryshkamiceli8388]

@@brendaplunkett8659 That was terrible of him. Like a badge of honor?

[@Depplova81]

I had a " friend " like that. But, she was slagging me behind my back, which wasn't exactly surprising because she used to slag everyone else to me. Also everywhere she worked money came up missing.

[@drea4195]

Yep, when they're nice to just one or a few people, you know they're buttering you up for something. It won't take long to find out what.

[@NarutoUzumakiofficial]

It’s the opposite for me. Like it’s selective kindness and it makes real kindness look fake which is sad and infuriating for people who actually kind and want to help and care for their friends

[@youngblood8540]

Any company that tells you, "we're like family" RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. It's so ironic how most families are dysfunctional, why would a bunch of strangers treat you any better than your own family, especially when money and climbing the latter to the top are involved.

[@lt827]

This is not universally true. I have worked at some places where my co-workers were nicer to me than my own family.

[@user-wm5jc3vl1y]

For me it is useful to understand the relation the person in the company say the sentence make with his crew and seek for his expectations from these persons. Did you seek for the expectations of your employers ? Did you think about the capabilities, the ressources and also the knowlegdes they seek for their needs? I think you must answer these questions.

[@yukio_saito]

It can also be a sign of poor work-life boundaries. Coworkers are not family or friends.

[@jameshunt6414]

Let's be honest if you then what you know now, when you're family said "we're family" you'd run for the hills.

[@BuckleyThompson]

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@alicebond9207]

It would’ve been a great story if you weren’t a spammer!

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

It is so true. Narcisists are rude, arrogant and dismissive towards other. It is terribly painful to witness. I run as soon as I meet one. Terrified.

[@HJustme855]

The fact that my mother was seen as a self sacrificing carer made her very difficult to challenge in any social context because of her perceived halo.

[@a.b.2850]

They’re socially untouchable

[@HJustme855]

@@a.b.2850 💯Yes that's what's so damn scary.

[@a.b.2850]

@@HJustme855 it is, cause at one point, they’ll understand it too, and will start acting however the hell they want.

[@HJustme855]

@@a.b.2850💯 Oh yes they absolutely do act how they want. The mask drops and they don't even bother to pretend anymore. The halo works so well they can be pure narcissistic abuse and nobody does anything.

[@evagabrysova8871]

I've been the golden child in my family and I'm quite damaged anyway. "You are better than your sister because of...", "compared to your sister you do this much better because..." sometimes turning into "well, you are being like your sister now, think about that carefully". Scary.

[@p.w.352]

Wow, I can see how that would affect you, especially if you are a empathetic person. It makes me almost glad to be the ignored child. No one raised in a narcissistic home comes out undamaged.

[@mizzbee7406]

I had this with a friend. She love bombed me for years and I saw her do some really toxic things with other people and I was silly enough to think she'd never be that way to with me. Now I know she was a covert narcissist and luckily she is not in my life any more. I don't think narcissistic friends are covered enough, it happens a lot!

[@yaminiayachitam]

First it puts me in fear. When I see them yelling at others, I feel I might be that person in the future. Second, I want to hug the other person, but get scared that the narcissist yell at them more. So I feel helpless, like paralyzed

[@march24-lp4pv]

My default has been gray rocking which seems to work short-term but then I start feeling like I'm abusing a mentally ill person.

[@tomchurch2285]

Without the knowledge (of narcissistic abuse), escaping the unjustified abuse towards another, induces lot of felt shame! Easy to doubt one’s own backbone in those situations!

[@keithburt7874]

Thank God for being rescued from "who I am", with the Spirit within walking and thinking through the moments, transforming day by day

[@march24-lp4pv]

I used to think I was the only target of my narcissist but as time goes on I realize they don't really have any depth with anybody, it's very surfacy and transactional.

[@alexissdo]

I was the golden child who had to watch my mom and brother be abused as well as others. It bothered me so much that eventually as a teenager I started to rebel and stood up to my father which caused him to start turning on me, now a truth teller. Because of my accomplishments, he still won’t completely turn on me, but there have been significant rifts in our relationship over the years due to fights we have had over his treatment of others. I know now full well that he would turn on me in a split second if it weren’t for my accomplishments which means I don’t completely trust him. It’s hard because my mother stayed in a marriage with him even though I begged her from a young age to leave. As he is elderly now and not nearly as abusive due to illness, I have made peace with him to some degree, but I will never get an apology or have a close relationship. I just don’t trust him. It has also affected my ability to have romantic relationships with men.

[@angelacahill9460]

I got the chance to stand up to my father at the end of his life, and tell him exactly who and what he really was. It was cathartic.

[@HibaAydeed]

This is me

[@cr8zystar282]

It is just a matter of time before the narcissist turns on you! Nobody is special or exceptional in the narcissist‘s world!

[@vickyl1010]

"It's a matter of time before their rage turns on you." (7:50 of video). I agree with you Dr.Ramini. I had a couple of narcs who were very nice to me but mean to most other people. What I did not know then is that I'm next! I went through all the phases, lovebomb, devalue, discard. What a lesson, I'll never forget. Now if I don't like the way a person treats others, I already know that person's real character and I just stay away from that person.

[@mapleleaf902]

If he treats me kind I know I am being played

[@cc1k435]

When I meet someone like that, it feels like I've been bookmarked for later when they want or need something from me. It's transactional, and also temporary, not a sign of respect or somehow being elevated over others. 😢

[@nicolechristineperalta6318]

I went through this with a boss and a colleague when I was hired into what I thought was a dream job! The boss was always telling me how perfect I was (that made me uncomfortable). The colleague (known for her abusive behavior) was super nice and accommodating. Yet she would scream at and call out other employees in the most demeaning ways. I had a bad feeling about the job before I took it, but the money was good and the position within this growing company seemed like a great career opportunity. Fast forward to a couple of months on the job and the abuse intensified by both of them. It involved gaslighting to straight out yelling and berating. My final week with this company is approaching. At this point I’m exhausted and broken.

[@march24-lp4pv]

In my case I saw the signs before I got involved but I somehow thought I would be different which ended up being the complete opposite. It's almost like they really can't help themselves, they just have to be in control and berate and mock anybody who they think is beneath them .

[@HJustme855]

Being judged for not being in contact with narcissistic parents and at the same time being judged for having loved those same parents is a constant cultural paradox I never seem to escape from.

[@genevalawrence801]

Yep. Same if you leave a narcissistic spouse. You can't win. You're blamed for marrying them to begin with, for staying as long as you did, and for leaving. Our culture blames victims of abuse and has infinite excuses for abusers.

[@HJustme855]

@@genevalawrence801 Infinite excuses hits the nail on the head beautifully 💯👍

[@mercedesharrison5550]

Yup that’s why I don't even let their words matter to me anymore. I know they are either the abuser, the person who is unaware of such evil existing, the person who is still a victim and unaware of the bondage they’re in due to such low self esteem and a few more in a mixture of those categories. Bottom line it’s either narcs themselves hollering like the hit dogs they are or people who don’t understand. I no longer listen to not respond or defend myself against them. If someone says something flagrantly victim blaming to me I immediately ignore them showing no reaction just a look of blank unphased yet stern posture while making no eye contact. Basically I become dismissive and act like they don’t even matter. Because my pov is valid. They tend to think when they say something it’s law. So I like to show them just how insignificant they are while they seem to think their opinion is law or fact. I also keep the faith knowing one day wells all be judged and the truth will be revealed.

[@HJustme855]

@@mercedesharrison5550 I understand. But my narc is too busy being prejudiced about my identity to read my body language. Malignant narcissist's aren't put off by anything. Your handling it well though. Keep moving forward 👍🙌🙌

[@heleneisotta4288]

Narcisists are shapeshifters. I was shocked every time my ex talked to the taxi driver, the server… (but with the female waitresses he did flirt a bit😂). Jesus, why did I endure his behaviour for so long😮

[@t.l.7733]

Dr. R, can you post a video discerning between Narcissism vs. BPD? One of my Malignant mother's card plays is to make the proclamation " she/he's on my s*it list." And ready to remove their eyeballs. And the next day that same person is her BFF w/the proclamation "OMG, I just love her/him."

[@SteffiDon-b5w]

It's so uncomforting that now after 4 years of severe character assassination by alpha males of the society, now they have started to force hugs on me in social settings . It's so uncomforting and unsettling. The sudden change of all of them trying to get me married to one of those narc guys is highly frustrating and annoying. The pressure they are creating from right and left is real. This is making my healing more complicated. I have to understand more mind games of them trying to get something out of me and me trying to guard myself from the games.

[@woopiemiddleman8232]

They will be horrible to you one day, it can be very soon.

[@chad_mackinson]

I always felt very uncomfortable because of how my ex treated her son in my presence. Unbearable. I often told her that if the child were mine - thank God he's not - I wouldn't allow her to behave this way. She behaved civilly, almost tenderly towards me though, in her passive-aggressive manner. But the poor kid sometimes bore the brunt of the storm. And the worst part is that the father lives in a very distant country, so poor kid's chances of finding an ally in the family are not very good. Poor fella, I often think of him, but as much as I hate to be an enabler, there's not much I can do, because who am I ultimately, especially to him?

[@march24-lp4pv]

They sprinkle just enough "good" days in to keep you just where they want you, or maybe I'm just stupid and naive because i saw it early on, i just thought maybe they'd value me more.

[@alkggkla5643]

Just wait your turn.... you're bound to "slight" them at some point, and then they'll turn on you

[@march24-lp4pv]

I can't thank you enough Dr Ramini. Ever since I've found your channel I've learned a lit about myself, situation, my narcissist. Previously I felt like I was solely to blame and if I would just submit that it would change things, when in fact it made it worse. It sure is a process.

[@JustaNobody-j8x]

I had that narcissistic boss who treated me like I was his child. He would defend me everytime I made a mistake and this would infuriate my coworkers making them wonder why this boss was always so nice to me but not to the other workers. Being how this boss was towards me, I now come to the realization that this was merely a manipulative tactic. He saw me as a great supply source in which it always gave him an excuse to give me more extra work and even for him to play around with my work hours. If I refused then it would greatly disappoint him and could put my job in jeopardy. This also made me a target for workplace bullying as I mentioned how my colleagues were always upset about how this boss treated me like I was his golden child.

[@lt827]

Everything a narcissist gives comes with a price. In your case, it’s a high price.

[@JustaNobody-j8x]

@@lt827 And I’m still paying off the interest 😓

[@gjthomas9770]

This is what is happening right now. I have no doubt that my sisters are overt and covert narcissists. I am so tired of the fakeness of my covert sister and the out aggressive nature of my overt sis . Right now, my sisters are at war , but both are being nice to me. I see right through it. It's about being on their side 😢. My covert sister, in some ways, she is more difficult to deal with . Both of them, l have to think what I am going to say because all out rage is bubbling under the surface. I have said l will walk many times, but I 100 percent will soon

[@angelasmith4133]

My husband’s adult daughter treats he and I terrible but treats everyone else in the family great. They all think she can do no wrong and have never seen the side of her that we have and when we tell them things she has said or done to us their response is “well she’s still family”. I guess that’s code for they can act however they want and since they are family there’s never any consequences. I’m done with turning the other cheek or being the bigger person. Whatever bridges that burns so be it.

[@BeeBeeBell]

I'll bring the matches!

[@vacationeyes6430]

Happens when you are the golden child. The narc is nice to you, but mean to others. And you may not realize it immediately, especially when the victims of Narc are mean you for being the golden child and you think they are the problem.

[@demigaines5644]

I Have Never Been Treated Kindly Ever With The Narcissists I Was Always Treated With Destain Cruelty Dismissing.Emotionally Abused This Person Has Destroyed My Life.

[@cymbolichuman433]

You have to make you happy again.

[@demigaines5644]

@@cymbolichuman433 🙏

[@seektruth983]

Call on Jesus! 👑

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Scarey, my male unit had the ability to turn a table of 12 against wait staff. I got up and left out the back door, only to find one male wait staff CRYING against the wall! I apologized to him and NEVER ate in public with him.

[@lt827]

Self-compassion comes to mind here. Is the reaction to the narcissist abusing the other person cringing and feeling badly for the target? I wish I had the same reaction when it is directed at me instead of feeling small and like I did something very wrong.

[@donovangray4246]

In a romantic relationship, it can be a very slippery slope to go down, if you personally have any Narcissistic traits yourself. This behavior can cause you to fall into aligning with the narcissist and adopting those same beliefs or values. This was especially true of me, when I was in an abusive and Narcissistic relationship where drugs were involved. I was raised in a Narcissistic home and fell into believing that I was gaining love by adopting their same beliefs like I did in childhood. Getting Sober taught me why I was addicted and how my own Narcissism was to blame in addition to all the other types of harm I had done.

[@nikkinorton8310]

Great topic! This one carries a lifetime worth of lessons. My mother would use who is in or out, depending on her mood and what was going on in her life. My dad, brother and I would take turns on who is being odd man out. We would agree with her on almost whatever.....just to keep our in status. So before we moved away from family to another state....mom would do this to her siblings and her parents. So...I really didn't notice this behavior until I was the new out person....at 13 years old. When I ran away at 17... It was bad, the way she chased me, police got involved, she made trouble at my school, my jobs, with church members and friends. I finally moved away and then my dad became odd man out. She divorced him and still tried to make his life miserable with her antics...like she did with me. She always had....and still does have someone she is trying to punish and someone she is glorifying, and the one she is glorifying is the one she is manipulating into doing her dirty work.

[@christinelamb1167]

You hit the nail on the head with this! For the narc, there's always the odd man out or in. My experience growing up with my mother was I was most often "out", and other family members were "in". I was the black sheep of the family (the scapegoat), and my sister was the one who was "glorified". My stepfather tooks turns being out and in with my mother, depending on her whim. My poor sister doesn't even realise how much she's been manipulated by our mother her whole life, and she has turned into quite the flying monkey (as well as a covert narc just like our mother). Thank you for your comment! It made me take a closer look at my family system, and I can see how it all worked.

[@drea4195]

Hah, and here I thought my family situation was unique like that! In our case it was grandma who always had to glorify one of us grandkids and inevitably there also had to be an "out" kid at every family occasion. I caught on to this when I was about 8 years old and decided to test it by becoming the "good kid" for once -- agree with everything, instantly obedient, a cheerful smile, etc. It made my siblings look "bad" by comparison, and it worked. I felt ashamed of myself afterward, and never did it again. But man, did she ever have the whole family trained to fall over themselves to please her, and everybody trying to avoid being the one on the out.

[@maevebutler4641]

It was always the opposite for me with the malignant narcissist....I was always treated horribly & staff / whomever whenever we're treated with the utmost of respect....my narcissistic Mother on the other hand depended on whether the wind blew north/south she blew hot & cold, I could expect anything...got a very sweet phone call today & I can honestly see right through that call , keeping low contact as she has a terminal illness but that doesn't & won't change how I now feel It's like their is a missing mental link..... her personality is so unpredictable I am no longer shocked or hurt I feel so totally indifferent For the first time in years my three adult children have thrown their malignant Father under the bus & while it's now comforting to know that he has lost control over them I need to be so darn diplomatic and just allow them to vent & form their own opinions without any interference on my part They do burn their own bridges in time I enjoy a happy relationship with them all and I am so very grateful for that I have learned so much from you Dr.Ramini and I am forever grateful to you

[@ow1921]

Yup happened to me at work. I run away.

[@mspheeincali7418]

This plus vulnerable covert abuse kept me in the dark until a year before she died

[@lynneforesman1647]

My Husband does this all the time! I'm SO embarrassed! I was afraid that he would get us kicked off an air plain this last year. I figured if he did it again I would just say I didn't know him and deal with the aftermath later.

[@rosiereal]

I always got more upset about things my mother did to other people, than the things she did to me. Like when she got her boyfriend's tenant kicked out after weaseling her way in & becoming her roommate. The tenant did nothing wrong. It was always about what she wanted in the moment.

[@mariehughey5390]

My first friend out of high school was a woman a few years older. She was always very complementary and used flattery often and I thought she was lovely. Then I moved away and we wrote to each other for years. Then I moved back and looked her up. She fixed me up with a guy and we hit it off. The next thing I know she’s trying to break us up telling vicious lies about me. I was devastated. He had been her narcissistic supply. Of course back then I didn’t have the insight to name the behaviors. She was very nice until she wasn’t.

[@BSharp369]

This character of rage against everyone else but love-bomb me is my current man-friend for 18 years! I absolutely understood that I could never marry such a person so he’s around me only on some weekends and as of lately only once or twice per month for a walk in the park or to go to a concert or a show. I had long ago decided that I wasn’t going to share my home with him when I saw how he treats his own kids, people in his workplace, restaurant servers, and pretty much everyone else other than me. He is absolutely brutal… and I find myself having to apologize to the server, or the ticketmaster person, or even to step in defending his kids after he’s done raging at them! It’s exhausting to be around someone like him! But also (do I dare to say) very satisfying to see his face when I had finished apologizing to the person he just finished chewing up. He then turns to me to say that I always defend someone who had just offended him! (Often for bringing cutlery or coffins mugs with stains on … or in the case if the ticketmaster - for giving him less desirable seats, or in the case of the person walking his dog in the park - for interfering with his squirrel feeding 😅) Anyway, I have learned a lot these past 18 years

[@march24-lp4pv]

Anybody else get a slimy feeling when "your" narcissist thanks you for something? It's always the same empty phrasing.

[@KTKaute]

I would have told you last year that my sister did this to me. That I was the person she was nice to me, but now I've cut her out of my life, I realise she wasnt nice to. In reality i was just enabling her and walking on eggshells around her. She eventually started turning on me after trying to isolate me. She had suceeded in doing so but the last person i had left, i refused to bow to her will over. Although I haven't seen her since November, I'm finding it really hard to recover from. I constantly get panic attacks, dream about her and worry she's gonna find her way back into my life. I've got a mental health coach helping me but it's really hard

[@HJustme855]

Chilling it definitely is 💯

[@Josethetreeguy]

This was for about two years until I became the target and delt with the abuse for another two years. I am out of this situation now, but I always had a feeling that one day I would be on the other side of that anger. It took me a while to realize the pain this person caused others. Being a bystander with this behavior is not acceptable, you do not have to live like this. Thank you, Doctor Ramini.

[@Ray-yh7ng]

I experienced a my Ex’s nice to me and sometimes rude to others during my love-bombing season before they started devaluing and discarding me. At one incident, he was talking really rude to the postman on a phone call angrily, bragging about himself. His rage escalated and I tried to calm down and he told me in between the call to keep quiet and don't tell him what to do as he knows better how to get things done. But after the call he was all charming and explained why he had to speak rudely to get things done. Another time he booked a spa for me via phone and I picked the card from the office. Later he saw the receptionist to whom he was flirtatious talking and being charming and when he saw she was on healthy side, he remarked like this fat lady was the one? I didn't liked the way he was talking to and about people in general but he was kinda nice to me and was not able to connect dots but truly as said by Dr. Ramani It didn't took long for me to be on the other side and receiving his rage and cruel hurtful words. Information is key

[@dosmatrix4470]

This is a great video and explains how these people are almost perfectly. My ex she was always caught between this type of behaviour and it was only a matter of time before the nastiness was turned on me. The moment for me that stands out was when we went to a thrift shop ,ran by a charity, and the woman that served us gave my ex change for a 50 not a 20 dollar note and she didn't give it back. We got in the car and I confronted her and she said it was just too bad on their account. I knew then something wasn't right and the cracks just grew and widened as she became more exposed as time went on. As a carer for terminally ill people she would say the most disgusting things about her clients and I started realising this was who she truly was and the show she put on for me ,and one of her sons, was just a facade. Calling her Jekyll and Hyde is being kind it was far worse and I'm glad to be free of her.

[@christophercelmer405]

This was our dynamic. He would scream at customer service reps and put everyone around us down. I felt embarrassed as hell but I wasn't used to being treated well so I overlooked it for while. He would down play my needs in the relationship and when his anger started being pointed at minorities and my friends I started rethinking our relationship.

[@angelacahill9460]

Yes I finally SEE all the red flags, regardless of who the contempt is directed at. They are so arrogant in their ignorance, it is so disgusting to witness.

[@julaustin55]

Long ago I dated a longtime friend after having a sideline, long distance view of his relationship with his ex. I remember excusing away some things that I knew that bothered me by thinking: well he wouldn't do that with me, we've been friends for x years. Well guess what? When we started dating, he behaved the same way with me. I learned that people are who they are, wherever they go, and how they treat others is how they will eventually treat you. It's a lesson I have never forgotten. And of course, we're no longer friends. But years later when he was in another relationship, his new girlfriend came up to me at an event. She knew who I was, had seen all these pictures, even though he and I hadn't talked in more than 5 years. It was pretty disturbing.

[@privateprivate8366]

I have a “friend” who’s like this. They take a great deal of pride in antagonizing staff at restaurants and where we live. There are only 2 reasons they’re nice to me. Because they said something one time and I cut them off and because they’re hoping to move in with me. But after seeing their “performance”, I’ve sat quietly and watched and simply made that decision for them, that they will never be living under my roof, treating me like some doormat or slave - then, having the law back them or do absolutely nothing, because they’re a tenant. Problem avoided.

[@gloriadonahue7241]

I remember the time my narc husband and I went to a funeral in the town where he grew up. I did not know the person who had passed away I didn't know any of the people there. A woman walked up to my husband and introduced herself and then said to him "do you remember me?" he said "I remember you, you killed my goldfish." I was mortified. Here he is a gray haired 60-year-old grown ass adult and that's his answer. So embarrassing!

[@IonTrone]

another instant classic video! 👏👏

[@rainbowzebraunicornpegasus2962]

My youngest brother is the golden child. He slowly came to realize this and it has affected him deeply. He has serious social anxiety because of how our mother has treated and continues to treat others. He suffers from very deep depression as well. My only issue is that he does not see that when I stand firm on boundaries for me and my kids, starting the rage flowing from mom, then he tries to tell me to back down to keep the peace, he is giving her more ammunition against me ("Look even your brother sees you are the problem!"). My eldest daughter tends to do the same. I realize their anxiety over how we are treated fights with their own need for lack of "drama." But it still hurts... and she does rage at them occasionally, too.

[@dianamoore2241]

Good morning.... your chair is a pretty color and looks comfortable 😊...

[@marioVSN]

The boss one I went through it... felt super gross and quit a few months later... Couldn't stomach for too much time...

[@poojaindia]

Absolutely amazing insights. I have this exact same scenario at workplace since 7 years. I struggle with the discomfort at being allied, the moral cognitive dissonence, the shame and grief of seeing others being treated badly and thinking me complicit. I have always known them for being a narc. Yet cant afford to quit this job. So i will keep your lessons in mind truly and try to stay balanced and sane. Thank you.

[@xFrozenxSnowx]

My NPD mom doesn't treat me well but listening to this brought me to tears.

[@beatlebarb64]

After a 12 year relationship with a narcissist, the rage finally was heaped on me that last 4 years. So glad he left! No contact from me!

[@stephenpaul3289]

Im always on guard now why is my Narc family member being so nice what do they want 😂

[@lasphynge8001]

Yea, being an ex-golden child (and then finding this dynamic echoed in later toxic relationships), I resonate with pretty much all of that. I'm curious about the moral injury concept, is it a common psychology term? I'll try to investigate those keywords. Thanks!

[@moniquejackson7741]

Fascinating and Brilliant. I think I've seen that in the past within my Narc family. It feels like it can happen sporadically.

[@marvinasimswewinqueendom2543]

Been caught up in these scenarios as well. Thank you for posting this

[@cassandraandrews6656]

I had the misfortune of being among a group of narcissist, fueled by envy. Not everyone was a target, but I began to suspect and view as flying monkeys those that sat idly by while I was gaslighted and verbally abused. Eventually I cut them off as well. After all not, everyone is considered mean in the mean girls group, but it can sure look like it.

[@Karen-ff4os]

This is exactly what happened to me when I worked for a narc boss for 9 years....yikes!! I hated it. Praise, accolades, favortism, promises etc...I knew he was horrible to others and supported and validated other employees awful experiences with him. Well in the end he "screwed me" out of a promised retirement compensation when he sold the business. We all know what happened when I challenged this. 😮

[@ponetium]

This is also a form of intimidation- they are showing you what you will get if you displease them. It is a way to keep you in lane, especially if they really show off. I have had a person forwarding screenshots of them arguing with others, huge paragraphs of them berating the other person, almost like showing off.

[@HJustme855]

It's not my area of experience. But when a narc was creepy weird familiar, I smiled, got away pronto and never when back to where I met him. Unfortunately it didn't stop him. There's nothing nice about a narc.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Divide and Conquer - alienation tactics to make you a source of suspicion and mistrusted by others.

[@charlottechristian1]

My husband, for years, was the fun goofy hilarious person! Then what seems like all of the sudden, switched to a narcissistic jerk. How does that happen???

[@genevalawrence801]

Did you just move somewhere far from your support system? Have a child? Lose or give up your job? Experience a health setback? Maybe something has happened that made him feel comfortable taking off the mask, because you're in a situation that makes it difficult for you to leave. It happened to me when we were stationed abroad and I had just given birth to my daughter.

[@charlottechristian1]

@@genevalawrence801 you know, now that I am actually thinking about it, he changed not long after we got together. We were friends first, really good friends. He's even said "he had to stalk me to get me". Pretend to be my friend. I don't know why I never connected that!! I never really knew him until after I started dating him. We've been married for over 20 years and together for 30. He's even admitted not having empathy for anyone, (except for me of course) I know that's not true he's left me alone in some of the worst times of my life. He talks awful about everyone except his parents (and my aunt and uncle because they are extremely rich.) My health is failing now and the doctors can't figure out why. I'm starting to think it's him and my reaction for all these years. Thank you for helping me figure this out. GBY ❤️

[@charlottechristian1]

@@genevalawrence801 were you able to see my other comment? I can't see it. I wonder why? Discovering the "how" has me really thinking about leaving. All of my gut feelings that were "ridiculous", that absolutely will not go away! I feel like I've been cheated on throughout my entire 30 year relationship. I feel more lost right now than before. And I actually have somewhere to go! My family was nothing like this so at 53yo, I can go back to mom and dad's. Pretty sad. I just wish I could find SOME PROOF.

[@mercedesharrison5550]

8 yeaaaars later? 😩

[@vickijohnson9367]

@@charlottechristian1 Come on, if you want proof, it’s there, all around you, everywhere you are not. When work isn’t work. Where does every dime of money go, don’t know? That’s on you. Just go “help take care of your elderly parents that need you for a couple of months”. While you are there mentally and spiritually relaxing, hire a professional to see what’s really up back in the real and digital world of your partner. And think about why you had all the hints, but ignored them. When there are children, when it’s breaking up families, a lot of betrayal is tolerated because of financial reasons. Just know, you choose, and neither choice is comfortable or easy. My greatest joy is that I am not any lonelier, and I never have the creep walking in my home, my sanctuary. That’s it, the only perk, the enemy can’t walk in my home (but he did break in while I was at work, a long, long time ago, to steal printed out email conversations). Like my attorney didn’t have copies!😉

[@cassafrasscubby460]

When I went back (was ordered back under threat of hospitalization) into therapy the first thing I asked my therapist was, "How do I turn off the flashing neon sign on my forehead that says 'sociopaths apply here'?" It's better being lonely.

[@p.w.352]

This explains so much about a narcissist that I know. Other relatives and I have often questioned how this person appears to have a good relationship with their children. I've seen this person call an unrelated five-year old a brat, and the next second be kindess and light to their family group. It's all so bizarre how the quirks of narcissism play out.

[@christinelamb1167]

It is very bizarre and quirky, isn't it? I'm done with those kind of people, I don't have the time or the energy, or the desire, to deal with them anymore.

[@maryrichardson6029]

Never happened to Me. NM hated Me